Happy New Year! It’s 2026, and with a fresh calendar comes a fresh opportunity to reflect, reset, and grow. New Year’s resolutions don’t have to be about productivity or perfection — they can also be about how we show up in our relationships, how we treat others, and how we understand ourselves.
If you’re someone who’s curious, imaginative, or interested in kink and alternative relationship dynamics, here are a few kink-positive New Year’s resolutions worth considering.
1. Resolve to Be More Openand Communicative
Being open-minded doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. It means listening without judgment.
People experience desire, curiosity, and connection in wildly different ways. When we approach those differences with curiosity instead of disgust or fear, we create safer spaces for honesty. Open-mindedness allows conversations to happen before misunderstandings turn into shame or silence.
You don’t have to like everything you hear — but giving ideas room to be expressed matters.
2. Make Consent Non-Negotiable
Consent isn’t just a checkbox. It’s an ongoing conversation.
Resolving to always seek clear, enthusiastic consent means respecting that people can change their minds, feel unsure, or say no without needing to justify themselves. Consent builds trust, and trust is what makes any relationship — kinky or not — feel safe and mutual.
A good rule for 2026: if it’s not a clear yes, it’s a no — and that’s okay.
3. Try New Things (Thoughtfully)
Growth doesn’t happen in our comfort zones.
Trying something new doesn’t mean pushing past your limits; it means being willing to explore curiosity safely and intentionally. Sometimes you discover something you love. Sometimes you learn something isn’t for you. Both outcomes are valuable.
You can’t know what resonates with you until imagination meets reality — and learning what you don’t like is just as important as learning what you do.
4. Respect Your Boundaries — Without Apology
Your boundaries are not obstacles. They’re information.
One of the most important resolutions you can make is to stop forcing yourself to be comfortable with things that genuinely aren’t right for you. Saying “this isn’t for me” doesn’t make you boring, close-minded, or difficult. It makes you honest.
Respecting your own boundaries teaches others how to respect others, too.
5. Let Go of Resentment
People are allowed to want different things.
In kink, as in life, frustration often comes from unmet expectations. Let 2026 be the year you stop resenting others for liking what you don’t — or for not liking what you do. Difference doesn’t mean rejection; it just means diversity.
The goal isn’t sameness. The goal is understanding.
Here’s to 2026
May this year bring better communication, stronger consent, kinder curiosity, and deeper self-knowledge. May you learn what excites you, what grounds you, and what you can happily leave behind.
Happy New Year — and here’s to growing, exploring, and respecting ourselves and each other.
Human desire is astonishingly diverse. What excites one person may do absolutely nothing for another, and that difference is not a flaw—it’s simply part of being human. We rarely agree on what is “sexy,” and that disagreement is not only inevitable, but healthy.
There are entire worlds of attraction that I personally don’t understand. Some people find excitement through words on a screen, through imagination alone, crafting entire experiences out of text and suggestion. While it doesn’t resonate with me, it clearly resonates deeply with others.
There are also interests that make me uncomfortable, not because they are unfamiliar, but because they collide with my personal boundaries or values. It’s important to say this plainly: desire is only acceptable when it is consensual, ethical, and confined to adults. Outside of that, it stops being a preference and becomes harm. However –between two adults– many people engage in adult baby play, daddy/daughter play, or Little play. While these aren’t things I’m personally comfortable with, I don’t judge what they enjoy.
And, I recognize that I enjoy things others have no interest in whatsoever. I’m drawn to intensity, to structured fantasies, to the idea of imagination becoming real through shared trust and play. I love the creativity of roleplay—the way it allows people to step outside themselves and explore safely.
The truth is simple: you don’t have to like what I like, and I don’t have to like what you like.
Of course, our reactions aren’t always fixed. Sometimes something that initially feels strange—or even off-putting—changes once it’s understood or experienced in a safe, respectful way. I’ve seen how trying something new can surprise a person, especially when it offers relief from anxiety or allows them to inhabit a role that feels easier than simply being themselves.
There are limits. Some ideas simply never become comfortable, no matter how much time passes. Recognizing that boundary is just as important as exploring new ones. When that happens, it may mean accepting that no single relationship can fulfill every desire—and that’s not a failure.
For me, this realization made room for a broader understanding of relationships. Different people can meet different needs, whether emotional, intellectual, or physical, as long as honesty and consent guide those connections. Not everyone is equipped for that kind of emotional openness, and that’s okay too. For those who can handle it, I think polyamory is a good way to deal with people you love not necessarily sharing all of your kinks.
I always tell people to take some time with each idea. Never refuse anything outright. Let it marinade in your imagination for a while, and then tell your partner what you think. Sometimes you cozy up to an idea when you let it hang out in your head. Other times, you don’t. But you should never say no before giving the idea time to percolate. When people do this, it reminds me of a child being offered a new food and saying: “No, I hate it!” (Before even trying it.) Don’t be a child saying no to watermelon.
Most of the time, it won’t hurt you to try something new.
Trying something doesn’t mean it will define you forever. Sometimes a desire dissolves once it’s explored. Other times, it deepens. There’s no way to know which until experience replaces imagination. Wanting something intensely doesn’t guarantee it will last, and discovering you don’t enjoy something can be just as valuable as discovering that you do.
What matters most is refusing resentment—toward yourself or others. People are allowed to like what they like, and they’re allowed not to like what they don’t. Difference doesn’t make us incompatible by default; it makes the world more interesting.
If we were all the same, desire would be dull, relationships would be simple in the worst way, and curiosity would disappear. Variety is not the problem. The lack of understanding is.
I thought it might be fun to date a little (since I’m free).
I’d like to talk about how that’s been going:
Women: You are doing great. Plenty of romance. All the dates have been fun and creative. It has been easy to trust my female dates, and they have been up-front about what they wanted. Thank you ladies for being sweet, kind, and compassionate.
Men: What happened to you in the 15 years I was married?
Straight men keep saying things to me like:
“Dating is impossible now. You have to worry about everything you say or do, because women will claim you raped them.”
Guys, when you say this, it is telling people that you have raped somebody. If you are a man who asks for -and gets- consent, then you will never have any reason to fear being “accused” of rape.
Or I hear:
“Women are just after money.”
I suppose this was true in the 1950’s when most jobs were not open to women, and women couldn’t have bank account or credit cards. At that time, women were horribly oppressed and couldn’t make money of their own.
That’s not true anymore. Every woman I know would rather make their own money than have someone accuse them of being a “gold digger.” They are absolutely not after men for money. They literally just want someone to do stuff with.
This break from reality seems to have been done intentionally via propaganda from men like Andrew Tate. Let’s all be honest: Andrew Tate is gay. I have never seen anyone want to suck a dick as bad as Andrew Tate wants to suck a dick. But, he’s a coward so he plays “A Straight Guy” and talks about how he hates women.
If you hate women, just go fuck dudes. No one will stop you. It’s still legal in the blue states. (That joke may be too old for some of you, but that’s okay.)
I beg you -all men- if you want to be with men then just go do that. Don’t make a career of shit-talking women because you’re too afraid to be out and proud.
Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all bad. I went out to a Halloween-themed acrobatic show and dance party with a guy who was fairly nice. He wasn’t a good fit for me personally, but he was polite and seemed nice.
And I still have the boyfriends who have been hanging around forever, so I suppose I don’t really need to pick up more men when I already have a few that are nice and kind.The boyfriends prove that there are at least a few men who haven’t bought into the anti-women propaganda.
However, so many are falling for anti-women hate speech and saying ridiculous things like:
“Women said they would choose a bear so they hate men!”
How could anyone intentionally misunderstand something so simple. The “bear thought experiment” was simply a metaphor to explain what it’s like to be a woman. Bears rarely attack women. Men attack women every day. The example of a bear was used because men said they were afraid of bears, so the goal was to point out:
“Yes, you are afraid of bears. However, we want you to know that men are actually more dangerous to women than bears. Think about what that is like for us.”
Because a man’s biggest fear going on a date is that the woman will be fat. And a women’s fear is that she will be raped and murdered. These experiences are very different.
Women were just trying to explain that, and so many of you didn’t listen.
Men, I don’t know what to tell you. Women are making their own money, joining groups and clubs, and spending nights cuddled up watching movies with their friends. They’re making lives centered around themselves, and it’s not to spite men. It’s because of men. It’s because men are so openly hostile that they’d rather hang with their girls.
They’re not bitter. There is no “female loneliness epidemic.” They don’t care if you have money or what you do for work. Most of them don’t even care how tall you are. All your fears are coming from other men, not from women.
All women are asking for is to be treated like people. And to be clear: They deserve that.
Either way, this bisexual girl is sticking to women for now. I like boobs. I like pussy. And most of all, I like being treated like a person rather than an enemy in some boring culture war. I’m an extremely capable person who has survived things that most people don’t survive. However, that doesn’t mean I want to keep surviving crappy stuff. I’d much rather be happy and have fun, and I only want to do that with people who see me as an equal.
People have different communications styles and some people just aren’t very good at communicating. When anyone starts out in BDSM, they can have a really hard time figuring out how to talk about what they want from their partner. To start out, I think it’s okay use a variety of communication methods, rather than having anyone be forced to have an in-person conversation before they are ready. Here are some ideas for how to start:
Trade Porn: I like to do this with everyone I date because knowing what they have been watching can give you an idea of what they would be interesting in doing with you. This isn’t always true. Sometimes people have a disconnect between the porn they watch and what they want to do. I find it useful though, as long as you’re both willing to be mature adults and admit that you both watch porn. (Or at least read erotica!)
E-mail: I personally am a writer, so I find that I order my thoughts better through my fingers than I would through my mouth. I’m not known for being a graceful speaker. Typing out potential scenes gives your partner a chance to think about them before responding as well, so they don’t have to decide right away if they are okay with it.
In person: When people came to the dungeon they didn’t often know what they wanted, so I always had one of the many BDSM checklists that the internet has to offer available for them. In private sessions in my own home, I generally make tea first and go over a checklist and basic contract with someone first. Holding the teacup in their hand helps them feel comfortable and gives them something to focus on. It is hardest for people to communicate their desires in person, so help them to be comfortable however you can.
Over the Phone: This is good because the submissive does not have to look you in the eyes. It can be hard to be in the same room with someone while saying something like “I’d like you to spit on me and call me a dirty cunt.” This method allows the physical distance that can make emotional distance easier. Emotional distance seems to be the most important factor in being comfortable expressing oneself.
Worksheets: I know it feels silly to be filling out a worksheet about an intimate relationship, but some people are shy and it’s hard to get them talking. Even when they do talk, they are often unsure about what they want. I find worksheets helpful sometimes, if a person is difficult to feel out. You might try giving them as homework and let the submissive fill them out in private while Googling all the terms.
Note AboutAfter Care: As you all know, this is the most important part of a scene. This can be accomplished by all of the methods above, but this more than anything else is best in person. Tone of voice means a lot, as well as facial expressions. If you can get someone to be expressive in person, you can get the best idea of how they felt about the various parts of the scene. Make sure to talk about each part. Ask questions like “When you were tied up, did you feel like the ropes were too tight?” or “Did you feel okay with how hard I hit you?” You will both have a better experience if you can communicate better. Resentment can build up in any relationship, but it seems to build up in the most dangerous and dramatic ways in a BDSM relationship. Everyone talks about how important after care is because it is really important.
Consent and Space
In a Kink community there are often teaching workshops and play parties. It is very important to remember a few things if you attend these kinds of events.
Notes on Consent:
This is not just about sexual activity. You may have heard the expression “TMI” meaning Too Much Information. Well this becomes more relevant in the kink community because people have different levels of experience and sometimes they aren’t ready for hearing about things you might be doing/into in details. This is what my friend lovingly calls “Ear Rape,” and it usually takes the form of someone cornering someone else and describing their anal training routine (or whatever) in excruciating detail. When they do this, they often scare off the person that they corner and the scene as a whole loses out. So please don’t ear rape people. They need the opportunity to consent! If you really want to tell them about it, ask if they are interested. However, I’ll be honest with you, 90% of the time if you ask: “Do you want to hear all about my new anal training routine that will allow me to take a 13 inch dildo in two weeks?” the answer to your question is probably no. Of course you’re proud of all the new things you have learned, but that doesn’t mean you need to share.
Implied Consent:
When you go to a play party, there is expected to be people bringing toys and playing with toys. You know this beforehand, and so there is a certain amount of implied consent involved. You understand that you may see people naked. You will probably see different toys used. However, play parties tend to be just to test out new toys. A play party is not an orgy. So you have a reasonable expectation that you will not see sex acts at a play party. People should know to take that behavior into other rooms or wait until they get home, because the party was designated as a “play party” and not as an orgy.
Still, in the example above, a certain level of consent was implied. Remember before you agree to go to an event what sort of interactions there are likely to be, and make your decisions from there. If you do decide to attend an orgy, for example, do not complain that you didn’t consent to seeing people have sex. It’s okay to speak up if you are not comfortable, but please remember to consider what you are comfortable with before attending an event.
Consent to Play:
Before you play with someone at a dungeon or play event, you should talk with them about what they are okay with and agree on some basic rules. The most common of these is to use “red” for stop, “yellow” for caution, and “green” for go. People should at least agree on how to communicate discomfort before they begin any kind of play.
Remember:
They consented to play with each other, not with you. Do not get really close and start masturbating or try to join in without consent. Please, don’t be that guy who can’t respect the privacy of a scene and give the correct amount of space (about 4 feet in all directions.)
Also keep in mind that consent can be revoked at any time. If someone says stop, you need to stop. It doesn’t matter how into it you are or how much fun you are having. No means no (unless you negotiated otherwise) and you need to respect people enough to stop when they become uncomfortable with what is happening.
Space:
Sometimes we are in a small venue. When I lived in South Korea, everyone had tiny apartments and so that is where we had to have our events. This makes it hard to give the appropriate amount of space. However, if you were –say- trying out a flogger, you NEED the correct amount of space so as not to hit other people by mistake. So remember, if you don’t have room all the way around you in every direction, wait to start a scene until the previous couple finishes and moves back into the group to talk. In some living rooms there is only enough space for one couple at a time to try a toy. Respect that and wait your turn. Space is very important when you are swinging toys around and you need to always be aware of your surroundings.
Final Note:
Ask if you’re not sure. Ask if someone is okay to play. Ask before telling a graphic story. Get consent for everything you do and don’t be the creepy person who forces yourself on others. No matter how eager you are to play, you need to treat everyone with respect and dignity and get consent before you impose on them in any way.
Let’s talk about Scene Negotiation for kinky people. It’s really important to talk carefully through scenes before you play them out if you are planning to do something involving kink. However, this same idea can be very helpful for vanilla folks as well. Healthy communication is a positive addition to any lifestyle.
So first, why do we find it so hard to talk about sex? Not all of us came from oppressive households where the topic was taboo. Some of us came from open households where our parents discussed the topic with us, right? And yet, everyone struggles at first to communicate their needs to their partner.
There is a lot going on there of course, and we could do an entire workshop on the topic of sexual repression in society. Suffice to say, even when it is a topic that you feel safe discussing at home, you are often shamed for bringing it up in public. It’s completely okay to discuss your back injury at work, but not your struggle with impotence (even though they are both medical problems). It’s fine to talk about being in a community play, but not okay to talk about wanting to roll play being kidnapped by aliens with your partner (even though both are practicing acting skills).
It is this line that we as a society have drawn which has taught us that sex is private. You shouldn’t talk about it. You should keep it to yourself. You should be embarrassed.
I am not saying that I advocate talking to your co-workers about sexual fantasies. Obviously that would make for a really strange environment that not everyone would be comfortable with. I’m not sure if changing the world is required. However, since we all grew up in the world, we do need to learn to change ourselves so that we can lower that taboo against talking about sex when we are with our partners. It may be uncomfortable at first, but like everything else, practice makes perfect!
Let’s start by realizing an important truth: No one can read our minds.
That means that no one can know what we want until we tell them. Oftentimes we run into the problem of desperately wanting our partner to do or say something that would make us happy, but they don’t know because they can’t read our minds. And sometimes, we can feel resentful that they don’t do the things we want, even though we haven’t told them what they are. This is understandable, but it is also unfair. That’s why it’s important in a healthy relationship to learn to understand your own needs, and then to learn to communicate them to the person you are with.
Figuring Out What You Want
The first step is to figure out what matters to you. This is a big step, because we are all individuals and so we all have different ideas about what is important. In order to effectively communicate with others, you must first look inside yourself and determine where your limits are. That way, you will be able to let other people know. There are several key things that you should determine for yourself when it comes to sex.
1. Do you wish to be monogamous?
This is a question that requires a lot of thought. If you want to be able to have sex with other people, then you also have to be comfortable with your partner having sex with other people. That can be difficult for some people, and so if you think you are curious about polyamory, it’s important to be honest with yourself and your partner and make sure you are not looking for an excuse to “cheat,” but instead have a legitimate interest in both of you perusing loving relationships outside your own.
Good questions to ask yourself:
* How would I feel if my partner went out on a date and I was at home alone?
* How would I feel if my partner developed feelings for another person?
* How would I feel if my partner decided another relationship was more valuable to him or her, and therefore moved me from the primary position to a secondary position in their life?
* What rules would have to be in place to ensure good communication ?
Note: It is okay if you decide to be monogamous. It doesn’t mean that you are not open-minded and interested in sex. Just make sure that you are making a conscious choice to be monogamous or polyamorous. Don’t let yourself be pushed or coerced into anything that you are not comfortable with.
2. What is your comfort level when it comes to STDs?
Some of you may have grown up before this was a big concern, so let me start by telling you that HIV is a big deal, more aggressive strains of Herpes are going around, and there is also an untreatable strain of Chlamydia that has developed. This means the days of just taking a pill if you get something are over, and STDs are a real concern.
Personally, I prefer to exchange STD tests with potential partners prior to having sex with them. This is not a guarantee of safety since some things can take time to show up on a test. However, it is an added layer of safety that helps me to feel more comfortable with new partners.
Now, this is not always possible for me. My partner and I occasionally attend orgies. In those situations, I have to realize that I am taking a risk, and that there may be terrible consequences. We have decided in our relationship that we are okay with occasionally taking this risk if we are attending a sex party together, and we do try to minimize our risk by using condoms. It is still dangerous because many STDs can be spread by skin-to-skin contact. However, we don’t engage in orgies very often, and we feel that an occasional risk is acceptable for the same reason that we are willing to drive cars and fly in airplanes. Sometimes risk is required in order to have fun, and each person must decide for themselves what they consider to be acceptable risks.
Good questions to ask yourself:
* Have I considered all the possible consequences?
* Have I decided what risk level is acceptable to me?
* Have I decided on a plan to make sure that my risk level is met?
3. What kind of sex do I want to have?
Some people are very uncomfortable with oral sex. I have found that comfortable levels actually vary widely about a lot of things. In the kink community, we like to talk about “hard limits” and “soft limits.” So for example, you might be completely uncomfortable with the idea of anal sex, but only a little uncomfortable with oral sex. Hard limits are the things that you will communicate to your partner as unbreakable. You refuse to consider doing those things, and you do not want to be asked or have them try to coerce you into them. Soft limits are the things that you may be okay with sometimes, such as a blowjob on Valentine’s Day.
Good questions to ask yourself:
* What you are hard limits?
* What are your soft limits?
* What are things you are unsure about?
4. What are your fantasies?
Most people have things that they fantasize about, but that they have never done before. Or, perhaps they have tried them before with an ex, but don’t know how to broach the subject with their partner. Fantasies are a healthy part of life, and there is nothing wrong with trying new things that you and your partner may enjoy.
However, please remember that sometimes you have a fantasy, but it might not be a good idea to actually do it. An example might be a gang bang. Maybe the fantasy excites you, but in reality you would be sore and unhappy, and your partner would be hurt. So be honest with yourself about which fantasies you actually want to play out, and which ones are just for fun. You do not have to act on every idea that goes through your head.
Questions to ask yourself:
Are you sure that you are comfortable with this?
Are you sure it is fair to ask your partner for this?
What are the things that could go wrong, and are you willing to accept responsibility for those things?
Summary
So, now that you have asked yourself some really important questions, you have a better idea of what you want and what you are comfortable with. Great! Knowing yourself is important and some people go their whole lives without ever looking inside themselves and exploring their dreams and desires. You are already ahead of the pack!
Remember that there are always different things that each person needs to consider, so take some time to reflect/meditate/thought diagram or whatever you do to make sure that you haven’t missed anything. For example, I excluded the complication of children and pregnancy because it isn’t relevant to me. My son is grown, and I am no longer able to have children. In addition, my husband has had a vasectomy, so I don’t have to worry about him getting any of his girlfriend’s pregnant. Therefore, this isn’t a concern in my universe. But your universe may be different. So make sure you haven’t missed anything before you move on to the next step, which is to communicate your desires.
Communication
In the kink community, we like to use scene negotiation forms, worksheets, and checklists. I generally make a pot of tea, and then we have tea while discussing the paperwork. This is because there is a lot to consider when you are about to have a kinky threesome with two of the participants gagged and a role play scenario playing out. Vanilla sex is less complicated. Because of this, you may not need paperwork in order to let your partner know what you need.
Things to keep in mind:
1. Use positive language.
Of course this applies to all communication, but it is particularly important when talking about sex, because it is a very sensitive topic for people.
Example of poor communication: “When my ex Mandy used to lick my asshole it was amazing and I want you to do it just like her.”
Why is this an example of poor communication?
Well, for starters, we’re referring to an ex by name, and that can make it more hurtful, as though you are comparing your partner to someone else. It is often less hurtful to say something like: “In the past, I have enjoyed X.”
Now, another way this is hurtful is that the person speaking is throwing the idea in their partner’s face. We shouldn’t do that when raising new ideas or fantasies. Instead we should try to bring up the idea in a more gentle way, such as “Have you ever given any thought to X?”
Finally, let’s remember that we need to give our partner room to say no if something isn’t okay with them. People can be uncomfortable with various things due to past trauma like rape, previous negative experience with the specific thing, and many other factors. If we introduce a new idea, we need to be willing to receive a “no,” and we need to leave room to hear it.
2. Set the right mood.
When there is paperwork, you need light. Hence I try to use my living room as the place to sit, with cozy warm drinks and comfortable furniture.
However, if you are not doing a kink scene negotiation, then you probably don’t need a handout to talk about it. If that is the case, then I recommend having conversations about sex in the dark, in bed. If possible, it helps to be physically touching in some way, although I can understand that when you feel the need to emotionally pull back, you may also feel the need to physically pull back. We can’t always control those involuntary things that are brain makes our body do. However, maintain physical contact if you can, because it helps. Touch is comforting.
I also recommend music, which is something I use. I don’t necessarily use relaxing music, because often I am trying to create a sexy mood and I personally don’t find relaxing music sexy. You may feel differently. It doesn’t matter what you select as long as it’s something that you and your partner both like. It fills in awkward pauses and provides a helpful distraction.
3. Bring all your love and acceptance.
It is wonderful if you can get some or even most of the things that you want from your partner. However, since people are all very different, you will probably never get every single thing you need from one person.
Therefore, you may ask for some things and get a no. Perhaps your partner doesn’t like role-play. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable with spanking. It could be that anal sex just isn’t their thing.
And when you run into a thing that you would like and you ask your partner, it can be easy to feel like you deserve this thing because you got up the courage to ask. This is natural, but it is also wrong. You need to overcome that feeling.
Yes, it takes courage to ask for things.
However, your partner still has a right to say no.
So when you are talking about things you want, remember that you won’t get all of them. Maybe you really want to go to a sex club and switch partners with another couple. But, maybe your partner is not comfortable having sex with strangers and needs to get to know someone first. Well, just because you want to go to a sex club and have sex with a stranger, doesn’t mean that you get to if you want to stay in the relationship. You both have to be okay with it.
When possible, try to find a compromise. In the example above, you wanted to swap partners at a sex club. However, your significant other didn’t feel comfortable with that because they won’t sleep with strangers. So, you can compromise by getting to know a couple first, and then taking then to a sex club and swapping partners. If you’re all into role-play you can even pretend you have never met once you get there.
Summary
The keys to remember are:
1. Get comfortable with the idea of talking about sex.
2. Figure out what you want first.
3. Use positive language, set up a cozy environment, and be prepared to hear “no.”
4. Never stop communicating with your partner, and re-negotiate your sexual interests at least once a year because tastes change over time.
Note: I am sure all of you wonderful people know this already, but I will remind you anyway. Please make sure that you take time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about them before you talk to them.
And now there is only one thing left to say: Have Fun!
There are a lot of aspects to kink, which I think people don’t realize. From the outside, maybe it’s the clothes that folks notice, or maybe they heard about a specific fetish and they find it weird. But there is a lot more to kink than that.
First, let’s talk about the mindset.
A huge part of kink is something we like to call “head space.” This refers to the frame of mind a person gets into when they are going to play a kink scene.
There are terms you should know that are involved in this frame of mind. Here are some quick and dirty definitions.
Sub Space: This is a way to describe the peaceful state that a submissive is trying to obtain during a scene. Ideally, they want to become completely relaxed and go inside of themselves. They want to focus completely on the sensations happening to them.
Catharsis: We use this term to describe the feeling of getting into sub space and having that perfect moment of peace. This can often cause a submissive to cry; but it is not tears from the pain or degradation involved in a scene. It is the feeling of finally getting an experience they dreamed of and feeling the way they hoped to feel.
After Care: After a scene, it is important to talk it out if possible. Bringing up any problems can make for a better scene next time. However, sometimes there is nothing to talk about. Sometimes everything was wonderful, and the only thing to do is to remain in physical contact (For example, stroking a Pet’s hair) until they “come down.”
Sub Drop: This expresses the feeling a submissive feels when a scene is over. Sometimes this is due to a lack of After Care, but it can also happen even with an attentive top. Sometimes there is just a feeling of sadness that follows, and it is important to be supportive of a submissive during this time.
Top Drop: We use this term to describe the feelings of sadness a top might feel after a scene. There is a rush of adrenalin and endorphins during a scene, and sometimes afterwards when those hormones wear off, it can leave you feeling let down.
There are lots more terms, but I don’t want to overload you with information since this is meant to be an introduction to kink. These terms are given mostly to illustrate what it is like from a mental standpoint. There is a lot going on under the surface. To an outsider it may just look like a woman in leather hitting a boy who is tied up, but that isn’t all there is to kink. A huge part of it is the mental play, and embracing the roles of Master and Slave (or Top and Bottom or Dom and Sub- you get the idea.)
How do you get into headspace?
A common question is how to approach getting into the right frame of mind. After all, it doesn’t necessarily come naturally to a person to whip another person (for some it does, but let’s focus on the folks who need help.)
I am almost always the Top, or Domme in a scene.
For me, getting into a headspace is mostly about putting on my clothes (I favor a lot of vinyl) and listening to loud music. The clothes are sort of a ritual. It’s a way for me to leave my normal mindset and focus on the mindset I am trying to transition into. The loud music is usually industrial, and that just gets my blood flowing.
This is not unlike getting yourself into other types of mindsets. For example, think of women who take a long time to shave and dress while listening to music before a date; it’s about feeling sexy. Or think of a man who practices lines in the shower, trying to focus on what to say on a date. Even in the case of putting on something solemn and black before a funeral, you are mentally preparing yourself for the situation you are about to go into.
Kink is just like this. It also requires getting into a mood.
Scene Negotiation:
I know that in the porn movies things just happen. But in real life, we need to focus on “safe, sane, and consensual.” That means talking things out first.
There are several useful scene negotiation forms online, but basically you need to decide a few things:
1. What role do you want to play?
2. What are your soft limits (things you are unsure about)?
3. What are you hard limits (things you refuse to do)?
4. What will you be using to prevent STDs or pregnancy?
5. What is your safe word (red for stop, yellow for slow down, green for go)?
Note: I like to use stoplight colors for safe words because I think it’s universal and easy. I know all the jokes are about silly safewords like “banana pancakes” and you can do that if you want. But it’s best in the begging to keep it simple.
Now, a basic scene negotiation form will help you negotiate those main points, but of course there is more you can consider. For example, there are several good fetish lists online, so you can download one and fill it out with your partner if you want to get more in-depth in your discussions (maybe you are eager to have a serious conversation about adult baby play?)
You don’t have to go overboard your first time out, but you do need to make sure that you both have clear expectations. If you think resentment can build up quickly in vanilla sex (why won’t he go down on me?) trust me that it can build up faster when kink is involved.
Setting Up a Scene:
Once you are in the right mindset, it is important to set up the scene. Sometimes kink is spontaneous, but not most of the time. It is more typical for things to be planned in advance. Here are some things to consider: Safety: Make sure that if you are using rope, you have something to cut the rope away quickly if needed. Have water handy for your submissive as physical strain can lead to a need to hydrate. Make sure you have a safeword sorted out, or a nonverbal signal if the submissive will be gagged.
Mood: Make sure that your lighting is right, and you have music in the background. Set everything up in such a way that both you and your partner will be comfortable.
Toys: Any toys you plan to use should be cleaned and laid out beforehand, so that they are easy to get to. This is because stopping a scene to dig for a toy can jar the submissive out of subspace. If possible, it’s best to avoid stopping the scene.
Blankets: Make sure there is a yoga mat or blanket on the floor if you intend to have your submissive kneel for any part of the scene.
These are just general concerns, but obviously there are specifics to consider too. For example, if you are doing anal, you should have lube handy. Always be prepared so that things can go smoothly once the scene begins.
Playing a Scene:
Once it is time to actually play, it’s up to you what you want to do! I can’t tell you what your kink should be. However, I do want to caution you to start slowly, and let sensations build. You don’t want to whip someone full-force right from the start. Perhaps run the whip along their skin first, and then let it fall across them lightly. Just let thinks build up so that you can both have time to make sure that you are okay with what is happening, and so that it isn’t too jarring.
Summary:
This post is really for just one person; a friend who is interested in getting started in kink. I hope it was helpful, Lady Librarian.
Remember: The mindset you go into play with is important. I know that isn’t apparent when watching a scene at a dungeon or in a movie. However, I want to assure you that what is going on underneath the surface is every bit as important as what is going on outside of the participants’ heads. Kink is about indulging in some fetishes that others might not agree with, but it is also about a power exchange taking place below the surface, and without that component it isn’t very exciting or fulfilling for anyone.
This question has come up recently and I want to talk about it. It seems like some of you didn’t learn from the “me too” movement and that’s a shame. But, this is a serious subject and while I’m loath to serious, here we go:
If a person didn’t consent to what you did to them, then it is rape. If a person is too drunk or stoned to consent, then it is rape.
We need ongoing and enthusiastic consent when we have sex. We need to negotiate beforehand, check in throughout, and do aftercare when it’s over. That’s how we have sex in the kink community, okay?
So let’s take a scenario:
A couple is polyamorous but has rules:
• No sex outside the marriage without using protection.
• Any sex where a condom could have broken or one of them could have been compromised, and they wait two weeks and get tested before having sex with each other.
• They agree to be honest about what they do with their sexual partners.
Now the husband goes and has sex with his friend, and he does not use a condom. He comes home to his wife, and asks to have sex with her. He assures her that he was safe when he had sex with his friend, and that there is no chance that he could have caught something. Under this understanding, his wife consents to sex.
About a week later the wife has an itching down there. She trusts her husband and assumes it’s just a yeast infection, but the itching persists and she begins to have delicate flesh in her genital area that tears and bleeds.
She goes to her gynecologist and gets tested, and she tests positive for Chlamydia and HPV-8. The gynecologist is unsure if her flesh tearing is due to her autoimmune diseases being aggravated by the Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), or if she also has HSV-2.
The wife has not had sex with anyone else in years. She has been tested several times during those years when she was only having sex with her husband, and has never tested positive for an STI before.
Later, the friend whom the husband had sex with confesses that she and the husband never used condoms when they had sex.
Now, you tell me: Is this rape?
The wife said yes to sex, didn’t she? She didn’t object during the sex. So how can it be rape?
Well, again:
You have to have informed consent. If you have rules and you break them, then it’s rape. If you say you used a condom and you didn’t, it’s rape. Any time a woman did not consent, or was coerced into consent with lies, it’s rape.
I know this bothers many people.
When I was growing up, men got me drunk and pushed themselves on me. I froze, because I’m Autistic and I didn’t know how to object. Back then, we didn’t call that rape. Men just thought that if you said yes to a drink, then that meant they could have sex with you while you were lying in a pool of vomit rigid and clearly not having fun.
However, we know better now.
We’ve grown as a society. We discussed it. We thought it over, and it turns out that any kind of sex without consent is rape.
A popular show named “Bridgerton” by the delightful Shonda Rhimes features a woman raping a man in the first season. He is trying not to have a child with his wife by using the pullout method. This method is not very effective, but it was the conditions under which he consented to sex. He did not consent to cum inside his wife.
His wife -who wants a child- holds him tightly when he cums so that he cannot pull out.
This is also rape.
They had terms under which they had sex, and she broke them. And folks, that’s also rape. I know back in the 70’s and 80’s men said stuff like: “Men can’t be raped. Sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad it’s still good.”
That’s the patriarchy speaking, and we don’t listen to that bullshit around here.
If your partner or partners did not consent to sex, it’s rape. If their consent was not enthusiastic and ongoing, then it’s rape. If they were too drunk or stones to consent, then it’s rape.
I grew up reading Lord of the Rings, the Drizzt Do’Urden series, and lots of other fantasy. Even before that, my parents met at Berkley at a first addition Dungeons and Dragons (D&D) quest. Imagination is in my blood.
As for sex, I remember figuring out how to masturbate when I was five. Sex and orgasms are an important part of my life and who I am.
It makes sense that I’d want to combine my two favorite things:
Fantasy + Sex = Magically Delicious.
They don’t even have to be my fantasies. I like to take other people’s fantasies and make them real, too. For people I love, making their dreams into truth is one of my very favorite things on Earth.
I learned a few years ago that not everyone sees things inside their heads. Some people can’t re-live experiences in perfect clarity or picture new scenarios and then live them in their minds. There’s a graphic that went around the internet with apples that explains it. That’s actually how I found out that my adopted mom has aphantasia.
As for me, I see things in my head better than I see them in real life. Maybe this is why it’s so easy for me to imagine turning fantasies into reality. I feel like all our fetishes have some explanation behind them, be it childhood issues, subconscious needs, or just the shape of our own minds. I think the shape of my mind -being so visual- leads to me trying to imagine things and then bring those fantasies to life.
Whatever the reason, my favorite memories are of taking a fantasy and turning it into a real-life experience. My ex-husband didn’t appreciate this at all and kept his fantasies secret from me after we got married (forcing me to try to guess what they were). But for those who have been open and told me what they wanted, I have made their dreams come true.
The internet has made this much easier. Now, you can just write about a fantasy that you have, and people will volunteer to get involved (if you’re a good writer). In the past, you really had to search for the right people to play out certain scripts. I am so grateful for the internet.
And hey, thank you to all you kinky folks for being out there in the world. I feel less alone knowing you’re there.
When I plan a scene with a person or people whom I do not know well, I use kink negotiation forms. They have boxes to check for things you agree to and do not agree to, blanks to write in ideas, and more. Find an example here. This is good because miscommunication often leads to bad sex, and no one wants to have bad sex.
However, once you get into a long-term relationship, you will probably move away from forms and try to talk to each other about sex without ink and paper being involved.
First, let me start with what my ex-husband did because it’s good to start with what NOT to do.
I would try to bring up a new thing I wanted to try.
Me: “I was thinking that I’d really like to do a role-play scene for my birthday this year.”
Him: “No. I don’t do role play.”
Me: “Well, we can talk about who the characters would be. I’m not saying it has to be anything specific. I just thought we could try being different people.”
Him: “I’m not talking about this. I said no. Respect my boundary.”
End of conversation.
Many of you will point out how he is misusing the language of consent by setting a boundary that subjects cannot be discussed, rather than setting a healthy boundary on something after discussing it. That’s true. But, we won’t spend too much time going into all the issues with his side of the dialog. That’s not the point.
The point is: How could this have gone better?
As I tried to explain to him, it’s not okay to dismiss something out-of-hand before letting your partner explain themselves. There are a lot of reasons for this:
• If you do not let your partner explain what they are asking for in detail first, then they will walk away feeling unheard and disrespected.
• If you create resentment in your partner due to refusing them without hearing them out, they may express that resentment by saying “no” to you in the future, so keep in mind that relationships are about TWO people, not just one.
• If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might find that you are into it after all.
To go back to the ex-husband example:
Once I asked him if we could try upside-down throat fucking. He immediately said no and refused to discuss it further. I went on a rant about feeling disrespected and unheard, and about how hurtful it was to always be refused when I asked for things. This made him silent, because when he was mad, he would refuse to talk at all and instead would just glare at me. Usually I gave up, but this time I kept talking. I said:
“Look, you probably said no before even thinking it through because from your point of view it seems like something to degrading to do to your wife. All I’m asking is that you consider it from my point of view. I don’t hang out in my own head when I’m having sex because I’m a non-op transsexual. I jump into your head. I have my eyes closed, and I am seeing the scene from your point of view. So, I’m asking you to do something that I want to do to a woman with the dick that I was supposed to have. I think it’s hot because it’s something a woman can’t possibly enjoy. There are no nerves there to give pleasure. There isn’t any clit to stimulate. It’s hot because it’s only for your pleasure and the woman is just being used like an object; a human fleshlight. All I’m saying is, I was born in a female body, but unfortunately, I was also born with the mind of a pretty gross guy. I’m not proud of it, but it’s something that I want. And I just thought you might be able to enjoy the fantasy with me.”
At the time, he sat there in stony silence, quietly hating me for pushing him to discuss things and care what I wanted. However, later I found that he’d been watching a bunch of porn about upside-down throat fucking. It became a fetish of his because I described it in a way that made it sound hot. Now, he continued to pretend that it was gross and refuse to do it with me, but that’s just because my ex-husband is basically the biggest douchebag on Earth.
Why am I telling you this?
Because it’s an example of bullet point three: If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might end up finding it hot after all.
I married my ex because he never said “no” to anything, and he was always up for new adventures. Once he had me trapped in marriage, he began to refuse any new things or anything fun. I have no idea why. I hope he works through that with his therapist or something. But, little-by-little, he became a completely different person after the wedding, and it was not the person I married.
Saying ‘no’ is pretty cruel when someone works up the nerve to ask for a secret sexy desire. And -while I apologize for lacing this post with my own post-marriage trauma- it’s relevant because what he did really hurt me. Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut. I have made a living for much of my life from writing kink erotica, hitting people for money, and throwing fetish proms. Sex is a huge part of who I am. And yet, even I feel shy when asking a new person for a new thing. It’s putting yourself out there and taking a risk, and being slapped down hurts all the way to the depths of your soul.
So don’t say ‘no.’ Say things like this instead: • I’m curious to know what about that appeals to you. Would you be willing to tell me about it?
• I’d like to know more about how you visualize that working with us. Can you describe your vision?
• Can you tell me why I might enjoy this fetish?
Even if you end up not being into the idea, you don’t have to say ‘no.’ My husband liked to say things like: ‘Absolutely not,’ or ‘There is no universe where I would be okay with that.’ Outright refusal is for assholes. Instead, try things like:
• I appreciate you sharing this with me. I’m not feeling it tonight, but let me think about it and do more research.
• I can see that this is important to you. Can you send me some links to some videos of it so I can try to get interested, too?
• I’m not sure if that would be safe for me. I would like to talk with my doctor about it and see what she says, and then I’ll get back to you.
• I won’t say ‘no’ because I know it took courage to ask; but is it okay if I say ‘not right now’ and give it some more thought on my own?
I once saw a meme where a guy is sitting at a computer and he clicks on a link to a porn video. He says: “That is sick! Who the fuck would be into that?” Then it has two frames of him just starring at the screen. In the final panel he says” “Oh shit, I guess I’m into that.” All I’m saying is, you might look into it and realize you are willing to give it a try.
I remember when I first thought about fisting. I have tokophobia (probably wrapped up in being trans,) and so I was instantly turned off by the idea because it was too close to the idea of giving birth.
However, I dated a guy who was amazing with his tongue and used to see how many times he could get me to orgasm in a night. It was like a fetish of his or something. He enjoyed getting me off, and he was good at it. Around the third or forth orgasm he would start putting fingers inside. One, then two, then three… until eventually his whole hand was inside me. He never exactly asked if he could, but then again, I was in too much ecstasy to protest. It reminds me of that old joke:
Her: “I’m not interested. I’m completely straight. I like men.”
Me: “Honey, you are spaghetti. You’re straight until you get hot and wet.”
I realize that sounds a little rapey -and I assure you I only ever said it to tease my good friends- but there is truth to it. Lots of things seem gross when you’re not turned on, but seem less gross after a few orgasms. And, if you have someone who is gifted with their tongue, that can make a lot of things seem less disgusting than you originally thought.
My ex husband said ‘no’ to a lot of things in more than a decade of marriage, and I don’t believe that any of them were fair. Most of them cost me a lot to ask for. After all, I have more than the average amount of shame wrapped up in sex and genitals since I have the wrong ones. (I always tell men: If you’re attracted to me then you’re at least little bit gay because I’m a guy.)
He said ‘no’ to trying romantic sex where we looked into each other’s eyes. He said ‘no’ to anal sex. He said ‘no’ to role-playing. He said ‘no’ to switching roles and topping me once in a while. He said ‘no’ to a MMF threesome. Etc… etc… etc…
I carry a lot of pain from how shitty he was. Some of it is wrapped up in refusing to have conversations about things or seek solutions to problems. Some of it is in how controlling he was. Some of it is in how lazy and mean he was. But the two biggest things that hurt me was:
• Saying ‘no’ to everything I wanted to try in bed.
• Harassing me for dressing up at home and bullying me into buying pajamas; which is not a thing I ever owned before I met him.
Some would say that the wrecking my cars drunk and having secret debt was worse. To each their own, I guess. But I know what hurt me the most, and I’m telling you from experience: Don’t just refuse to talk about things your partner wants to do in bed. It’s cruel.
This post is going to start with a tale of two rape fantasies (called “Consent Non-Consent” or “CNC” scenes). Trigger warning for anyone who might not want to proceed, because this content will get a little upsetting.
Snake Boy:
I dated a guy whose name I won’t use, but we’ll call him “Snake Boy” because he had a ball python (a normal pet in some places, but an odd choice where we were in South Korea).
Snake Boy asked me if we could do a rape scene. No one had ever asked me before, but I don’t shy away from trying new things so I said that I’d be happy to try if it. He didn’t give me any porn to watch to explain what he wanted, nor did he give me examples of the things he thought this would entail. He asked for a rape scene, and I agreed.
I asked Snake Boy to go outside and come back in sneakily, and I would pretend to be asleep. This way I could secretly enjoy one of my kinks (being fucked awake) while he enjoyed one of his.
When he snuck up to my bedroom, grabbed me, and penetrated me, I did exactly what some women reading this will recognize and understand: I held very still and cried quietly.
Some of the men reading this need more explanation, I know.
Basically, it goes like this: One in four women admit to being raped. The other three are probably just too ashamed to admit it. There are a lot of men out there who rape women. Don’t get upset. It’s just a fact. It’s not one guy doing it all. It’s a lot of them. And -while I’m not saying you are one of these men- if your ‘go to’ move is to get offended, then maybe you should look at that.
Women have learned through hard life experience that if you are raped, the best thing to do is to stay quiet and not fight. Women who fight get beaten and killed. I was actually beaten nearly to death and dumped in a dry riverbed to die when I was sixteen years old, and it was because I fought back.
Therefore, if you want to live, you stay very quiet and try not to move until it’s over. Maybe you even say something about how you enjoyed it so that you have a better chance of getting away. Men are much more likely to kill you if they think you will press charges. But if you say: “I’ve always wanted to do this” or something else that makes them feel safe, you’ll get away.
This is complicated by the fact that most men who rape you are ‘nice guys’ who you know, and that means you’ll see them again. The worst is when they assume that because they raped you, that means you are now their girlfriend. If you’re Autistic like me, this may lead to some very complicated situations in which you try to get the guy to go away because you know they are a dangerous rapist, but they keep following you around calling you their girlfriend.
One guy -we’ll call him ‘Roach’ because he reminded me of a cockroach- dragged me from the bathroom where I had been throwing up to his bedroom and raped me even though I said ‘no’ and tried to push him away while nearly passed out on the floor with puke on my clothes and face. The next day he started calling me his girlfriend and bought me a card where he hand-wrote a note about how special I was. And they say women play mind games.
Anyway, Snake Boy was very upset after the scene and told me: “That wasn’t a rape scene. You didn’t even struggle. Why would you think that is what I meant by rape?”
The audacity of these motherfuckers, you know? What a jerk.
But let’s move on to the second rape scene with The Vampire. No, he wasn’t Goth. It’s just that Twilight came out the same year I met him and his name was Edward, so I teased him mercilessly about his name and asked him why he didn’t sparkle in the sunlight. He’s dead now so I could use his real name, but I’m going to stick with The Vampire because it makes me laugh.
The Vampire asked for a rape scene, and then gave me a jump drive with a bunch of porn on it. He also rented a hotel room for the scene, and dressed up in black clothes and a black ski mask. See, he told me exactly what he wanted, gave a convincing back story about being a hotel employee who saw me check in and wanted me, and dressed the part. It was very sexy.
This time, I threw myself into the role as it was explained to me. I acted just like the girls in the movies he’d given me, with a lot of theatrical struggling and yelling.
It was exactly what The Vampire wanted, but he should have given the hotel staff a heads up or rented a bigger suite, I guess. That scene was interrupted by the cops. Huge props to someone for thinking a woman was being attacked, actually calling the cops about it. Huge props to the cops for actually responding to such a call, in spite of the statistics (they rarely respond and almost never press charges for actual rapes).
My point is: You cannot assume that someone knows what you want.
Snake Boy made a few assumptions that he should not have made, including assuming that I had never been raped before in real life, and assuming that I watched porn (which at the time I still did not). We can fake the reality to impersonate porn, but reality -left to its own devices- is almost never like porn. There are silly moments, tender moments, and all sorts of other things that porn leaves out. And obviously, some things are portrayed in a fantasy way because the real thing is not very sexy at all.
There is one thing that makes me happy about these two scenes when I look back. I’m glad that Snake Boy was disappointed by me acting the way most women actually act when they are raped. That means most rapists probably don’t enjoy it very much, and I’m glad if that’s true.
magicallydelicioussuperslut 