Tag Archives: Valentine’s Day

Valentines Day Advice

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The two most important things in any relationship are: Communication and Keeping it Fresh.

Communication- It’s very important to talk about what you want, to be honest, and to be direct. Subtle hints and innuendo can be misunderstood or missed altogether. How many movies and TV shows involve the characters doing stupid things because they didn’t talk? And you scream at the screen: “Talk to each other!” Well, you need to talk to each other, too. Don’t assume your partner understands.

Keeping it Fresh- I don’t care how good the sex is in the start. You’ll get bored. Anyone would get bored. Even if you’re meant to be and you’re the perfect match. Any reasonable human gets bored. That’s why it’s crucial to try new things. It’s also very important to listen to your partner when they ask to try something new, and to make every effort to do it (within reason).

Valentines Day is the perfect excuse to talk about things you want to try, and do some experimentation. After all, going out on a day when every single couple is also trying to go out leads to long waits and poorly prepared meals. Why go out? Stay in, and celebrate with a candlelight conversation and then trying something new.

Remember to do your research. If you’re going to try butt stuff, make sure you know how to safely douche beforehand so you don’t end up getting pink eye or some nasty infection. If you’re going to try shibari, make sure you know how to do it without causing nerve damage. Whatever you want to try, read up -from reliable sources- to make sure you try it safely.

If you plan to role play to spice things up, remember to try masks, different clothes, and other props to help convince yourself. Any kinky person knows: Headspace is important. Do everything you can to get yourself into the right headspace. You’ll have a better time if you believe.

Happy Valentines Day my fellow kinky people!

Valentine’s Nightmare

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Every year Valentine’s Day looms; that pain-in-the-ass day where you feel obligated to honor all of your intimate relationships. Yuck.

Personally, I am much more interested in buying gifts for people when the mood strikes me (if I see something they would like.) And yet, if you don’t get a gift for your significant others on Valentine’s Day then you are an asshole. Also, it has to be a gift they would like; not something that you want (Example: Do not get your girlfriend lingerie and then ask her to wear for you unless she asked for it.)

If you are monogamous, then you really only have to worry about one person, so that is a relief. In this way, you can stress about Valentine’s Day like a vanilla person, with only the concerns of what to get and where to go. It’s still uncomfortable pressure on what might otherwise be a comfortable relationship. But at least you only have the one person to concern yourself with.

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If you are Poly, then you either put a lot of thought into planning something special for everyone you are dating, …or you are me.

Normally I am pretty good at this stuff. I have been poly for a long time, and I know that I need to make sure that everyone feels valued on important days. But sometimes (like right now) I am a little overwhelmed and it all falls apart.

The story goes like this: I just got back from Australia and I am still recovering from the trip. I won’t bore you with the details, but I am not as young as I used to be and I have medical issues that make traveling hard. So, I needed to catch up on doctor’s appointments and sleep.

I bought my husband a card and some chocolates and I thought “that should be fine.” After all, the rest of my relationships are long-distance right now, so what are the odds they will want to exchange gifts? I guess I knew in the back of my mind that I was lying to myself, but it felt so good to choose the option that didn’t involve getting out of bed, so I did…

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Then a very sweet card arrived from one of my guys in the US, with a gift card inside.

Fuck.

So of course, I panicked like the basket-case that I am at the moment.

I jumped on Amazon.com and send him a gift that is probably over-the-top because I feel guilty. Then I grabbed my address book and picked out a book for the other guy I am in a relationship with as well (just in case he got me something.)

Then, sitting by myself on my floor having just spent $100 on amazon, I wondered if I am also expected to call.

Probably.

On the day, or the weekend before?

I have no idea.

Le Sigh.

And this is just the distress of a person who is casually dating people who she is geographically separated from. When we all lived in the same place, it was much more complicated. Who gets Valentine’s Day night? My primary? Or since they get me all the time, is that not fair? What if my primary says they don’t care about Valentine’s Day and so I make other plans, but then they realize last minute that they do care?

This is different for poly people who don’t have separate relationships. Sometimes a couple dates another person as a unicorn and they can all spend Valentine’s Day together. Sometimes two people are dating two other people and each other, and they can just double-date. There are lots of situations that can work out to be less complicated, depending.

Mine just isn’t currently one of them.

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Anyway, you can tell I hate Valentine’s Day. It is, and always has been, my least favorite holiday. It’s full of pressure to have the perfect dinner, the perfect scene, and the perfect sex. Not to mention the pressure on Poly folks to decide who you see on the day, and who gets a day that isn’t really Valentine’s Day but you can pretend.

You can say that I am just contrary, (since if you know me, you know I also hate Christmas.) But I would argue that I have very good reasons to dislike the holidays that I dislike, and that I make up for it by loving Halloween five or six times more than normal.

Anyway, I hope you all have a good Valentine’s Day. Spend it with people you love and don’t let the societal pressures and expectations bum you out!

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