Tag Archives: threesomes

Navigating Change and Expectations

by

0


My ex-husband was a very kind man when I met him. Sometimes I think it was an act to trap me in marriage. Sometimes I think he changed over time. I’ll never know for-sure because he lies better than anyone I have ever met.

When we were dating, he flirted with me at parties.

This is important because when a man is clearly into a woman, other women notice. My ex-husband and I attracted many people who wanted to be part of our relationship; even if only for a moment. This was possible because he treated me with kindness and respect, and he worked hard to be charming. We had threesomes, got invited to play parties, and generally had a really good time.

When we got married, he began to disrespect me.

It started with ignoring me in favor of flirting with other women online. Then, I threw a kinky mixer at our house in hopes of getting him to behave like he did when we were dating. Instead of flirting with me, he spent the entire night flirting with some girl he just met.

Obviously, the result was that no one had any sex that night.

The girl didn’t mind being flirted with, but she had no interest in a man who would disrespect his wife. The way to turn a woman all the way off is to disrespect other women in front of her. You’re basically saying: “I’m only flirting because you’re new. If you were mine, I’d treat you like I’m treating my wife right now.”

Then he had the nerve to complain that:

• I no longer felt like topping him (because he was disrespectful to me).
• No women wanted to play with us (because he was disrespectful to me).
• We didn’t get invited to parties (because he was disrespectful to me).


I gently tried to explain the situation. I tried talking to him first, but he acted very haughty and refused to admit to having done anything wrong. I tried writing him a letter, but he refused to discuss it. I tried writing a blog post about it, but he wouldn’t read my blog.

I continued to try to communicate, explaining that when he ignored me to flirt with other women online or when he wouldn’t even acknowledge me at a party, it made me feel bad. As a Domme, I do all the work. I set up the scenes, I create the headspace, and I make the magic happen while he sits there tied up or in a submissive position. I explained that I simply could not get into the headspace to do that much work when he refused to treat me with respect.

For a while, I thought it had to do with the Madonna-Whore Complex. Psychologists often say that men cheat because they don’t want to do “dirty” things with their wives (who they wish to see as pure). The theory is that there are some things a man will only do with a stranger.

When I thought that was the case, I tried to get him into role play. I thought that if we were different people, then we could overcome the problem. I suggested we “meet” at a bar, and that he “sneak me into his house” while “his wife was asleep.”

He refused to discuss it, saying that he would never consider doing any kind of role play. He also said we could not talk about it.


I tried writing love letters with lots of sex in them. I tired sending him porn. I tired all kinds of things to communicate. And let it be said that he did “act nice” sometimes. Though -to be honest- the strain in his voice and movements was so obvious that I couldn’t reconcile it with him saying things like “you look nice.” It was clear he was only doing it because I told him to be kind, not because of any genuine feeling.

In spite of this, I convinced people to spent time with him. I outright asked friends to sleep with him. I got him play dates. I continued to try to act the way I did when we were dating, while he continued to find new ways to be horrible.

For a while he would point out other women to say they were attractive, but never anyone that looked like me. Only Asian women. I am mostly Polynesian and Swedish. I can’t change my genes. It’s not as though I could have tried to look more like the women he pointed out. I’ll never be Asian. So, what it amounted to was really just him finding another way to put me down and make me feel bad, and then still expect me to want to top him in bed.

So, what do you do when a partner changes? When they will no longer do the things they did before?

Well, we were polyamorous, so I tried to just date other people and be his friend. I have some long-standing relationships that I enjoy with people around the world, so I put energy into them. I flew to Las Vegas to give a talk on kink and sell my romance novels. I worked on my blog and things that were important to me.


Yet, I never gave up on him. I kept thinking that he was just going through some things and that we’d be able to sort it out when he had a little more emotional maturity. I waited, and we had kinky sex that wasn’t a power exchange. Just little things. I’d choke him. He’d fist me. Whatever. It wasn’t bad sex, and I liked him as a friend and companion. I thought that was enough, I guess. But all along, I missed when he flirted with me and treated me with such care and attention that unicorns flocked to us and we got invited to every party. We had that energy that everyone wants, and I thought we’d get it back if I kept trying.

There were moments when we did. He bought MDMA from someone on his ship, and took it. I don’t do that shit, but I was happy to have him being flirty and sexy again for once, so we played out a fun scene with me as the Domme. It was a great night.

Once a sex friend came to visit and he flirted with me because she was there, and that made me feel sexy enough that I did a scene with both of them. It was her first time trying out the Domme role because we duel-topped him, and she had a blast. I did, too.

Any time he flirted with me and treated me like he had when we were dating, I was able to get into the headspace to be a Domme. But it wasn’t often enough to make me happy, and I tired to communicate this in every way I could think of. I started out kind and patient, but after ten years I started to get snippy and even angry. I couldn’t understand how he still hadn’t grown up yet, and why he was still behaving like a spoiled child who thought he could treat me like dirt and then expect to be spoiled like a good sub.

Some of my friends think his actual personality changed from a series of brain injuries that he had in 2016, 2017, and 2023. Some of my friends think it’s because he was raised by alcoholic failures who were abusive to each other but stayed married, so he simply had a mindset that wives are supposed to be treated like shit (because it’s what his father did to his mother). Some of my friends think straight men simply can’t handle serious relationships or talking about their feelings.

I don’t really know what is true; only how much it hurt.

I do know that if you find yourself in a situation where your partner changes and stops wanting to do the things you need, leave sooner rather than later. I shouldn’t have wasted all those years on him. He was never worth the effort. I spent a fortune on gifts for him. I spent so much time trying to help him to be better as a human, and to teach him kindness and love. I wasted years of my life on a man who -I can see now- never had any value at all. I truly think he only pretended to care about me when we were dating.



For those who feel unsure in their relationships, there were things that I now understand were warning signs:

• I said it made me feel bad when he flirted with other women while I was there, and he kept doing it after I said it hurt me.

• I explained to him that his poor treatment of me was the reason that unicorns no longer wanted to sleep with us, and that it was the reason I no longer felt into being his Domme. He didn’t make any genuine effort to treat me more respectfully in front of people or in private.

• I would tell him exactly what I wanted and even explain why, and he seemed to always do the exact opposite (it felt like out of spite, though at first I made excuses for him in my head, and then later I thought maybe he was just dumb).

• I always dressed up and wore kimono and makeup around the house because those things give me confidence. He whined that it made him uncomfortable and kept asking me to just buy some pajamas like a normal person and stop “trying so hard.” Then when I did as he asked (after two years of protesting it) he told his friends that I laid around in pajamas and stopped even trying to be attractive.

• He did little things to undermine my confidence and make me feel bad, like only saying women of different races were attractive, but never a woman that looked like me.

• When I tried to talk to him about anything at all, he responded with anger.




People can see this list and say: “Well clearly he’s a loser! Why did you stay? That’s on you!” But the truth is, I just kept thinking he would grow into himself and see that I wasn’t his enemy eventually. Like, we started out as a team, you know? And then after he trapped me in marriage, he began to treat me as the enemy.

I thought: At some point he is going to wake up and see that I am on his side. He’ll want to be a team again.

I had hope. That’s really my main problem. Some people suffer from depression, but I have the opposite problem. I have an excessive amount of Serotonin and Dopamine. I am a cheerful person. In fact, my favorite thing to do in public is try to find one thing to compliment about each person I pass. I’m so happy that it often annoys the crap out of people, and I can’t really tone it down.

People think it must be awesome to be naturally cheerful but it’s not. Always seeing the best in people means being screwed over and disappointed a lot. Having high expectations for the world means being let down. Thinking you can love people hard enough that they will eventually be better never actually works (in spite of what my brain tells me). You can’t make people better by seeing the best in them and trying to build them up. My ex-husband never got any better as a person. In fact, the more I asked him to be better, the worse he treated me. (You might say, the more he failed, the more he failed.)

I’m not saying you should give up right away if someone used to do things you loved and now, they won’t.

Try sending each other porn, writing love letters, talking it out, and other communication first.

Many times, communication can fix things.

However, I’ve learned now that the main sign that you need to walk away is actually very simple: If you try to communicate with them and they respond with anger, you need to leave.

Every time I tried to talk to him to solve any issues, he would gaslight me by saying he was not doing the things that he was doing. Then, he would admit that fine, he was doing those things, but it was actually fine and my feelings weren’t valid. Then he would say fine, maybe I had a right to be mad, but my bringing it up hurt him so we were even. (Men being hurt by you saying they hurt you.) And so on.

It was textbook abuse, but I am hopeful and loving and it makes me a fool. Don’t be like me. Get out the first time they get angry at you for raising an issue and asking to discuss it.

The Sex Club Problem

by

2

hqdefault

 

I have been to sex clubs all over the world, from Paris to Portland. I used to work in a dungeon. And, in all my time enjoying kink clubs and swinger’s clubs, there has always been a huge problem: Single men.

Now, some men (you know the type) will immediately challenge this statement by asking what a man even is in these “crazy times” and then babble on about equality and how women don’t really want it because blah blah blah.

I’m going to dismiss those MRA arguments out of hand, because no one on The Red Pill should be going to sex clubs. If you don’t respect women, then you shouldn’t get to have sex with them. I firmly believe that the best way to deal with men who look down on women is to make sure that they never, ever get to touch another vagina as long as they live.

752038-genderrightsx-1408699705-257-640x480

For the rest of us who are not complete assholes, we know what I mean when I say that single men are a problem at sex clubs.

Picture this: You go to a club with your wife, and you are excited to find a couple to swing with. You talk to a few people, and one couple agrees. You’ve been fantasizing about it for years, and it’s like a dream come true to actually have the chance to play out this scenario.

Unfortunately, it’s very hard to enjoy it in real life because there are three single guys watching you and wacking off, and they keep trying to touch the ladies without permission.

We’ve all been there. If you’ve been to a few sex clubs, then you have had to deal with the creepy single guy. He wasn’t cool enough to get a girl to go with him, but the club let him in anyway, and now he’s just being a creeper. (Not that any guy ever thinks he’s being a creeper, but so many of them are ALL THE TIME.)

This is why single guys ruin sex clubs.

strip-clubs-frankfurt

Now, this is largely a masculinity problem. Guys are not encouraged to be bisexual because it’s not “manly.” This is a crying shame, because it means that men often never try sex with another man. I mean, you might not be attracted to men as romantic partners, but getting fucked in the ass feels good for men. That’s where their g-spot is. So sex with men would definitely have a place in the world if men would stop being so desperately repressed about their sexuality and teaching their sons to be the same way.

Alas!- This is the world we live in. Most men don’t go to sex clubs hoping for a threesome with their wife and another guy. Mostly, they go hoping for a threesome with their wife and another girl. I’m not saying that it’s right; I’m just saying it’s how it is. And if the club lets in single men, they tend to stand around peerving on everyone else because no one wants them to join in.

How can we solve this?

Well, Club Desire is Seoul solves this by not letting any single people in. All people must come in couples or MFF triads. Yes, this does make threesomes harder to have. But there is no reason you can’t get creative with fun configurations in a foursome. Is this the best solution? Maybe not. But it works. There are never any creepy single men hovering around and being grabby at Club Desire.

Meanwhile, sex clubs in the US tend to solve this by charging a small fee for single women, a larger fee for couples, and the highest fee of all for single men. This tends to balance out the numbers a little better, and it helps avoid too many sweaty guys ruining your scenes by getting underfoot and trying to cop a feel.

But how should we solve this?

If you ask me, the best possible way would be to attack the underlying problem, which is the Patriarchy.

images

See, the patriarchy ruins sex clubs in two ways:

1. It tells men that gay sex is “sissy stuff” and that it is “not manly” so that men mostly don’t hook up with men. This is too bad. If single men at sex clubs were hooking up with each other, they wouldn’t be harassing all the women there and making a scene. Everyone is a little bi-curious, and it’s not like having gay sex makes you gay. It’s just a fun thing to try; like wormwood or LSD.

2. Women tend to have to be dragged to sex clubs by their significant others. However, I know lots of women who would really like to go to a sex club. Even some of my vanilla friends from college would be really, really down to play if they thought it was “okay.” The problem is that Patriarchy tells them that it is not okay. It slut-shames them and tells them that their worth is tied to their sexual fidelity and purity. In other words: Most women have a gangbang fantasy, but very few feel that they can live it out because men shame them for even thinking it.

And by the way: Why is that?!? Men, you watch gangbang porn and think it’s hot. Why would you shame a woman for doing it when you love to watch women do it?

This is why those of us that enjoy sex clubs should all be feminists.

The idea behind feminism is to dismantle the patriarchy and create true equality. That means letting men feel safe experimenting with same-sex hookups, and it means ending slut-shaming so that women can be the crazy-sexual creatures that we are on the inside.

So that’s my plan. I’ll need your help, but I think we can do it. Let’s dismantle the patriarchy and fight for true equality. We can save sex clubs by dismantling the patriarchy and bring the dreams of feminists into reality.

discrimination_law_for_web3.jpg

Polyamory Series: Not About Threesomes

by

0

29967187383_afde584430_n

Last week I kicked off the Polyamory Series with a basic introduction to the idea of polyamory. If you have not read it yet, please do.

Today, I want to talk about my deep and unending annoyance with men who hear “polyamory” and think “I am going to fuck so many bitches and have all the threesomes.”

Polyamory is not about you sleeping around while your partners do not, nor is it about having threesomes. Poly-amorous people do sometimes have threesomes and even orgies, but that is absolutely not what it is about.

I am going to spell this out in great detail because I am sick of people getting this wrong.

images

I have been on a lot of dates in my life. I tell guys prior to dates that I am married, and that we are poly-amorous. I always think that is quite clear, and then I hear nonsense like:

1. “My wife doesn’t know, but that’s okay, right?”

2. “My wife is only into it if you will have sex with both of us.” 

3. “My wife would have to like your husband.”

4. “We just want a unicorn so your husband is out.”

And a bunch of other offensive and ignorant shit.

Let’s talk about how sick to death I am of coupes who think it’s less complicated if they date a girl together than if they both have relationships they want.

*Sigh*

It’s just not less complicated. And the logic behind this misconception is often so tragic that it makes me miserable.

26open-master768

Threesome logic for vanilla monogamous types:

Guy: I want to fuck two bitches at once!!!

Girl: I guess it’s not so bad if he sleeps with someone else if I am there? And you know, maybe she will be better at going down on me than he is… 

No! Just fucking no!

If you really think you want a unicorn (term for a girl that dates a couple) then you had better both be thinking about what YOU can do for HER, because there are very few women with the slightest interest in dating a couple and they do not exist to please you.

So please guys, get it out of your head that some beautiful girl is going to come along and think that your balding head is hot and that your fat wife is gorgeous, and about how she wants to take you both on at once.

This. Will. Never. Ever. Ever. Happen. 

I am so sick of self-centered men that I can hardly stand it sometimes. Even if you have six-pack abs and a 10 inch dick, you are not god’s gift. Trust me. I have one of those at home already, so don’t think you are all that and a bag of fucking chips.

I am not impressed.

Threesomes_f9d4be_5183184

So first pet peeve is men who think polyamory is in any way related to threesomes. Just stop it, okay?

While we are on the subject of threesome though: Guys often act like they want it and girls don’t and it’s some goal to quest over. It’s always losers on reddit.com or 4Chan.org going on and on about how they just want to get two girls in bed.

Again: No one is obligated to give a shit what you want.

Instead, let’s talk about what women want.

If they want a threesome, it is probably with two guys. One of the most common straight female fantasies is to sleep with multiple men. So stop thinking about all those boobs you are going to grab think about what your girlfriend wants.

1909-amy

Next, remember that a threesome is probably not the best course of action. If you want to sleep with other people then you should. However, it is ridiculous to expect your partner to agree with you on who to sleep with. That is why you should both choose your own partners and have separate relationships with them that are not part of your primary relationship.

You might want a threesome with two girls (not that any of you ever know what to do with them when you get them,) but your girlfriend probably wants to date a guy that is different from you because women like variety, too. So go date your different girl, and let your girlfriend go date someone else as well. Forget the threesome thing.

And ladies: Please try to have the self-esteem to not be used and pushed around. Don’t be talked into a threesome that you don’t want because the unicorn can always tell. Trust me.

threesome.jpg

Anyway, the point of all this is:

Stop confusing threesomes with polyamory. They are not the same thing. They are often mutually exclusive categories, in fact.

It’s very important that you understand this. Polyamory does involve dating more than one person at a time. However, it does not mean having sex with more than one person at a time.

(Sometimes it is easier to explain something by what it is not.)

Kink and Three or More People

by

0

tumblr_inline_nmij1uEbBD1rmxdyw_500

I was asked about BDSM play with more than two people involved in the scene, and I wanted to do a quick post on why adding people is complicated.

Obviously if it’s a poly situation it’s very complicated because then everyone is in some kind of relationship with each other, and I have written before about all the issues of poly relationships. Generally after awhile you need flow charts and a white board to express anything.

1284338762-nonmonogamy251
You think adding one more person to a situation can’t be that confusing. But, you have to consider how many points of view are involved.

In a situation with two people, there are only two perspectives to consider. However, in a situation with three people, there are more than three. Observe:

First: Person One’s view of  Person Two

Second: Person One’s view of  Person Three

Third: Person Two’s view of Person One

Fourth: Person Two’s view of Person Three

Fifth: Person Three’s View of Person One

Sixth: Person Three’s view of Person Two

Seventh: Overall vibe of the collected group

As you can see, there’s a lot more than three points of view when there are three people.

tumblr_m2y0m9B0Et1qlhmnbo1_500

With three people, you effectively go from two points of view to seven. And obviously that is opening up a Pandora’s box of opportunity for misunderstanding. That’s why it’s more important than ever in a situation like this to make sure you are prepared and have planned out the scene in advance.

I actually have had most of my threesome situations with other switches, so that made it easier to understand each other and to take turns being the one in charge of the scene.

However, my husband and I have also done some co-topping of people, and that has been a good experience for us and for them.

135-97509-case-for-polyamorous-relationships-1427317974

I think the key is to have understanding among the people involved, so if you aren’t married or dating or all switches, then more discussion may be required to make sure that everyone is on the same page. It seems to be that the better people know/understand each other, the better the scene will play out. Everyone is happy when everyone knows what is going on.

So make sure to make some tea, fill out some scene negotiation forms, and try to make sure that no one’s expectations get stepped on.

images

Watching My Husband Have Sex

by

8

s_2099865b

 

One of the things people talk about when they advocate for monogamy is about picturing their lovers having sex with someone else. They say they simply can not handle the thought; that it is too awful to think about. Often, in a relationship, the parties involved begin to feel a sort of ownership of each other, and of course this extends to sex.

In fact, I have seen jealousy in the many extremes over the course of my lifetime. Once, a member of my D&D party found himself kicked out of his home by his girlfriend. I offered my couch as a place to stay until he sorted out what to do, and inadvertently opened myself up to the private details of his relationship as they continued to fight in my hallway long after he had moved out. He was vocal about he details.

It seems that she felt that even looking at another woman on the street was cheating, as was watching pornography and talking to other girls. When they had been together, she had gone so far as to “supervise” our D&D quests, sitting in while not playing just to make sure he wasn’t looking at any of the female players while he played his character.

It is not my wish to judge this type of relationship. Cheating is whatever you and your partner agree to, and that can be anything from emotional connections with others to physical love. It can be anything from your subscription to Playboy, to talking to a female coworker. And where you set limits in your relationship is none of my business.

However, I would like to say that just as I am willing to respect your right to consider pornography cheating if you wish, I think it’s also important to consider the other side of things. Perhaps my standards for what is considered “cheating” can be equally valid to your own?

With that said, I happen to really enjoy watching my husband have sex with people other than myself.

b7f3b2820c8872f35b1439ce19d3b285_XL
For us, cheating is defined as lying to the other person about a relationship. It’s fine to form emotional attachments with other people (I was rather attached to my recent boyfriends in Portland, and he’s been attached to many of his lovers as well.) But we were always honest about it.

I think we knew at some point along the way that we share a bond that is unique for both of us; one of mutual love and respect that is somehow deeper than other attachments that we form. I couldn’t explain why. It’s still too new for me to understand. It will be three years in the spring, and in that time I can’t say I’ve ever really figured out how it works. We are just alike in a way that is fundamental to who we are, and it allows us to understand each other in a way that is comfortable and fun for us both.

As it turns out, we both enjoy going to sex cubs, having threesomes, and other variants on “traditional” sex. And this has allowed me opportunities to see my husband in ways that I couldn’t see him if we were exclusive. I have been able to watch him whisper in another girl’s ear during an orgy, telling her that she was beautiful and asking if she would like to have sex. And I have been able to watch her giggle and say yes, and then to see him take her in his arms and watch how things played out. Seeing him so completely enthralled in what he was doing at the time; the way he forgot about the room full of people and saw only her… and to see him so focused, in a way he never is about anything but sex…

To me, it was fascinating. And certainly it made him seem more attractive to me. Here were these beautiful girls, far prettier than me, excited to have sex with him. Moaning in pleasure. Laying back, closing their eyes, and giving themselves over to the moment…

When I see my husband that way, it reminds me how beautiful he is. It makes the silly things fade away. Yes, he drops food on the floor when he eats. Yes, he will leave all his clothes in a pile (clean and dirty!), smelling them to see if he can wear them. He has habits that I find perplexing or don’t entirely understand. But those are silly things. What do they really matter?

Another occasion where we had a threesome with a stunningly beautiful girl in Korea, I was watching them have sex after I had played with her, and I was amazed at how they were more beautiful than people in a porn. And yet here they were, giving me this little private show. And I got to see them at their most vulnerable, and in such a state of being laid bare before me, in every sense. And they were just gorgeous.

It’s not the same as the cuckold phenomenon, where a person enjoys being deprived while their partner engages in sexual contact with someone else. I couldn’t find a name for our fetish. We just enjoy seeing every aspect of one another. We like to see how we each behave, from up close and at a distance. And we like to see other people be charmed by each other.

All I know is, when I watch people have sex with my husband, or fall in love with my husband, or laugh at his jokes even; I am proud beyond words. And it reminds me how great he is, and how lucky I am to have him. It reminds me that his good points far outweigh anything bad, and that the relationship will always be worth the effort I put in, because I get so much back.

Lately I have been on a military base around a lot of monogamous people who think that my husband and I can’t possible love each other, because we have an open relationship. And this does seem to be a common view. But somehow, for us, it is the opposite. We love each other more, because other people love us too.

So I guess that I’m just asking once again for tolerance. Everyone is different, and each relationship is unique. Let’s remember that, and try to respect everyone’s unique view of life.

 

180413_sex

In defence of monogamy

by

3

holdinghands

I’d like to write a piece in defence of monogamy. Those of you who know me will know it’s hardly on my behalf that I write this. I’ve never really pulled off monogamy for very long, and I don’t like it much. However, I’d like to take a step back and talk about how important it is to some people.

In the community, I think sometimes we fall into a certain mindset: “If you don’t like what I like, you just haven’t done it properly.”

I have heard people say this about all manner of things, from breath play to anal sex. They fall in love with something, and then they just assume everyone who doesn’t also love it is doing it wrong.

In the case of poly relationships, I am guilty of this. I tend to think that if playing with one person is fun, then playing with two will obviously be twice as fun for anyone. And yes, I am also a fan of threesomes and orgies. (Only with good friends!) I tend to have trouble sometimes understanding why people insist on sexual fidelity.

When I step back though, I realize that I really need to be more accepting.

No matter how much I love something, that doesn’t mean anyone else has to even like it. I think sometimes we all get a little forgetful about that, and we probably shouldn’t.

The moral of the story is: Let’s all remember that the things we like are the things we like. Let’s remember to be accepting of the limits that others have, and try not to ever push someone outside of their comfort zone.