Tag Archives: submissive

Subspace

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Picture of cute subs in my hallway.

I have been asked a lot about how to get into subspace. This is a really good question, but it doesn’t exactly have an answer. Or rather, I think it’s different for everyone. I’m better at giving advice to Dommes about how to put a sub into subspace, but I was asked to write something specifically for subs, so here goes:

Acceptance: First, you have to accept it to find it. That means that, no matter how headstrong you are, you can’t ask your Domme to “break you” so you can find subspace. If you want to submit, then you have to let yourself submit. A big part of it is letting yourself be under someone else’s control and learning to let go.

Enthusiasm:  Even if you’re not feeling it, do what your Domme asks you to do with enthusiasm! Don’t repeat phrases like “I’m your slut” in a whisper. When your Domme gives you a phrase to repeat for call-and-response, say it like you mean it. Do everything like you mean it, until you do.

Stance: Having a good posture is very helpful. Feet together! Don’t slouch! Head up and eyes lowered respectfully! Make your body submit and your mind will follow.  A lot of our mindset comes from our posture, so be very mindful of this.

Focus: Shift the focus in your mind off of you. Don’t worry about your goose bumps or your knees being soar. Think of how your goal is to please your Domme and make them happy. Only let yourself think of how important it is to please your Domme.

Disclaimer: This makes me sound like an asshole, but these are helpful things to keep in mind during a scene, so you can find subspace for the first time. Obviously during after care, you will want to voice all concerns with your Domme. Did she hit you too hard? Were you cold? What did you find sexy and what did you find distracting? Let these things flow out of you after the scene is over. Talking is important! Communication is key!

I’m not saying you should forget your happiness because of course, if you have a good Domme, her focus IS your happiness. All I am saying is that during a scene, if you keep these things in mind, I think it will help you find that special place where you are outside of yourself and your problems, and you are in a pure submissive state. That’s the peace you’re chasing, so hopefully these tips can help you find it!

Memories

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This week I stayed home and hung out with Mr. Knight. It didn’t seem worth the effort to go hunt down the boys, since the sex just isn’t exciting to me. The problem with spending too much time in the kink community is, it ruins you for vanilla sex. Don’t get me wrong- now and again I have had some vanilla sex that was pretty good and made me happy. It does happen. However, for the most part, it’s not as exciting as it should be.

I am a Switch, though I tend to be a Domme. What that means is, I tend to take charge of a situation, but in rare cases, I can submit to people that I deem worthy. So this week while I was watching Sherlock Holmes and drinking with Mr. Knight, I let my mind wander back to better sex and wonder about how to find someone new to play with so that I can sate the monster inside.

My favorite play partner in a long time, I shall call Mr. Bond. His job was in Military Intelligence, and we’ll leave it at that. It’s just that a spy named seemed appropriate since he really did join hoping to be James Bond. (Not that it worked out that way or anything, but you know; the thought was there.)

Mr. Bond was only twenty one when I met him, but brilliant. He solved puzzles incredibly quickly and managed to also have a good social IQ, which I find to be a very impressive combination of skills. More importantly, he had the quality I need in a Dom. He was the kind of person who focused completely on his partner while having sex. He was selfless, considerate, and able to pick up on the slightest change in breathing or movement of a limb- then extrapolate the meaning behind it. In other words, he could read my mind.

Oh course, one does not need to read my mind. I speak. I am very vocal about what I want in bed and everywhere else. However, the ability to read a lover’s mind is still really important in BDSM. What if they are tied up and gagged? You need to still be able to evaluate their responses so you can make sure they aren’t having a bad experience. I can do this, and I only submit to others who can do it too.

I can not tell you how much fun Mr. Bond was. He learned Shibari just because I asked him to. And, because he’s a genius at puzzles, he learned a bunch of knots in a single week. He came over one weekend and I mentioned that I’d like him to check it out to tie me up with. The following weekend he brought several lengths of silk rope over and showed me all the cool knots he’d learned. I guess he practiced by tying himself and things in his barracks up. I have never been more impressed with anyone in a BDSM sense than I was with Mr. Bond just then.

Because I grew up on the streets, I am often accused of being somewhat heartless and cold. I grew a tough exterior out of self-defense, but it has remained in place and it serves me well as a Domme. I tend to control a situation out of instinct, because in the past, things left to chance went very badly for me. I don’t know if it’s a flaw or not, but it’s very hard for me to drop the shell and be anything but a strong, powerful woman. To do it, I must be very impressed by the person I am with. That is a rare thing, and Mr. Bond is one of only two people I have ever submitted to. He was impressive enough that I found it very easy to fall at his feet.

Sadly, Mr. Bond left recently. Such is the nature of the military. They do not stick around long. Since then I have been trying to hunt up fun play partners, but even though I am looking through fetlife, I can’t seem to find anyone very kinky. Well, I guess Mr. Nice Guy is kinky… but I just can’t bring myself to beat him. And Mr. Uptight is on fetlife, but I can’t figure out why since he doesn’t seem kinky at all. I’ve tried to talk about it with him (and write extensive e-mails about it since he doesn’t seem okay with talking in person) but thus far, I can’t really get much out of him. Some people are so hard to talk to!

I will write a post some time about talking to your kinky partner. Scene negotiation is super-hard sometimes, because people are often embarrassed or have trouble talking about what they want. Getting them to talk is the key to having fun, so I have several methods I use to try to force people to communicate. I’ll devote a whole post to it soon.

For now, I guess I’ll just chill out and patiently wait until the Physicist gets here, because he sounds interesting.

Meet the boys

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I feel in a bit of a funk as of late…

My religious pet whom I shall call Mr. Perfect was never going to be anything but a sexless coffee shop buddy. Oh sure- he’s tall, dark and handsome. He’s also desperately horny and barely hides it under all that awkward and overly-polite behavior. Yet, months of trying to talk some sense into him have failed utterly. It’s not just that he steadfastly believes in his god- it’s that he’s sure his god thinks sex is a terrible sin and he mustn’t do it unless he’s married. That’s problem for me, so we are at an impasse.

The thing about Mr. Pefect is; I really do enjoy his company. I adore fighting with him about his beliefs, and I would certainly do so much longer if he wasn’t moving back to California. It’s been a great year at coffee shops and language lessons. I even went with him to his church. Why not? It’s not as though I will burst into flames if I walk into one, (though I know some people who speculated that I would.)

Alas, there will never be any sex with Mr. Perfect. And now I have to say goodbye to him and it’s tearing me apart.

I did get him a parting gift though. It’s a book about a devil and an angel who become friends called “Good Omens.” I wrote on the inside cover that I adore him and always wanted him, but I doubt he’ll ever open the book. He’s the sort who borrows a book and then never gets around to reading it. Still, if he does, he’ll know that a wicked, wicked girl loved him. He was always terrified of me because of the fetish proms and stuff, and I knew deep down that I’d be unhappy if we ever got together because vanilla sex would bore me… but fantasies don’t make sense and I’ll miss dreaming of Mr. Perfect taking me in his arms and kissing me with those big, perfect lips.

He’s not the only one I want but can’t have either. I’m chasing a 20-year-old too, which should probably be against the law. The poor thing is far too young to realize what he’s being pursued by. I just can’t help myself though because he’s damaged as hell. He was molested by the babysitter and unloved by all his many step-parents and care-takers. He’s broken and it’s so attractive to someone like me who is also broken inside.

I’ll keep chasing Mr. Broken forever, but I’m starting to realize it’s not likely I’ll catch him. I think I’m older than the babysitter who molested him and, in any case, I can’t try too hard with someone who’s been raped. I know what that is like. So I keep him off to the sidelines and think of him as a random encounter (to use D&D terminology.) I do see his big, ice-blue eyes when I fall asleep sometimes though.

That only leaves me two others.

First there is Mr. Uptight. It’s not hard to convince him to have sex; it’s just not any fun. He’s impossibly frigid in bed- like a high school girl who just lays there and is afraid to even moan. I’m not really sure why, but my guess is that he’s got some serious thrill issues from watching dirty, dirty internet porn and he’s an engineer so naturally, he’s incapable of communicating. He could be having that crazy sex he wants. I’m about as twisted as they come. But I’m not a mind-reader and I’ll only put so much effort into trying to hear the words in someone’s head before I say “fuck it.” At least he has a 10-inch cock. That’s too big- if you ask me. However, since it seems the pain of thinking my vagina is going to be torn in half is all I am getting out of this, I may as well enjoy the novelty of it. One does not often get to fuck someone with a cock like a porn star.

I think the best part about fucking Mr. Uptight is seeing the Magnum wrappers all over the floor in the morning. I like when we have sex on the table, and then the chair or couch, and then in the morning there are little gold condom wrappers everywhere. That never fails to make me smile.

Then there is Mr. Nice Guy. As always when you have a bunch of boys around, I can see traits in him that would mesh well with traits in the others, if I was trying to make the perfect guy. Like, if I could slice them all apart and just take what I want, Mr. Nice Guy has some good qualities. He’s thoughtful, likes to give foot rubs and back massages, listens carefully and attentively to everything I say, and cares deeply. Also, he’s desperate for a mate (not just a lover) and the desperate wafts off him in a way that I find both appalling and cute.

Also, he’s very, very submissive and that always wigs me just a bit in guys. I love switches and I can handle submissive guys if they have pride. Mr. Nice Guy though… he mixes being a submissive with lacking self-confidence and it’s just too many types of desperate to handle at once. I’d be fine tying him up and beating him if I didn’t know he was unhappy- is all I mean.

Anyway the things about people is, the good is always offset by bad. There are no perfect people. So while they all have good qualities, they all have bad qualities too. I can’t just chop them up and take the bits I want, welding them together to make the perfect man. I am stuck using each of them for a small bit of what I want, and only being happy overall. This is why monogamy is bullshit. I hate the idea that I am supposed to get ALL THE THINGS from one person.

Anyway it feels like a bit of a funk lately, but I’m sure things will pick up again soon. They always do in my life.