Tag Archives: sex

How to Talk About Sex

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When I plan a scene with a person or people whom I do not know well, I use kink negotiation forms. They have boxes to check for things you agree to and do not agree to, blanks to write in ideas, and more. Find an example here. This is good because miscommunication often leads to bad sex, and no one wants to have bad sex.

However, once you get into a long-term relationship, you will probably move away from forms and try to talk to each other about sex without ink and paper being involved.

First, let me start with what my ex-husband did because it’s good to start with what NOT to do.

I would try to bring up a new thing I wanted to try.

Me: “I was thinking that I’d really like to do a role-play scene for my birthday this year.”

Him: “No. I don’t do role play.”

Me: “Well, we can talk about who the characters would be. I’m not saying it has to be anything specific. I just thought we could try being different people.”

Him: “I’m not talking about this. I said no. Respect my boundary.”

End of conversation.

Many of you will point out how he is misusing the language of consent by setting a boundary that subjects cannot be discussed, rather than setting a healthy boundary on something after discussing it. That’s true. But, we won’t spend too much time going into all the issues with his side of the dialog. That’s not the point.

The point is: How could this have gone better?

As I tried to explain to him, it’s not okay to dismiss something out-of-hand before letting your partner explain themselves. There are a lot of reasons for this:

• If you do not let your partner explain what they are asking for in detail first, then they will walk away feeling unheard and disrespected.

• If you create resentment in your partner due to refusing them without hearing them out, they may express that resentment by saying “no” to you in the future, so keep in mind that relationships are about TWO people, not just one.

• If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might find that you are into it after all.

To go back to the ex-husband example:

 Once I asked him if we could try upside-down throat fucking. He immediately said no and refused to discuss it further. I went on a rant about feeling disrespected and unheard, and about how hurtful it was to always be refused when I asked for things. This made him silent, because when he was mad, he would refuse to talk at all and instead would just glare at me. Usually I gave up, but this time I kept talking. I said:

“Look, you probably said no before even thinking it through because from your point of view it seems like something to degrading to do to your wife. All I’m asking is that you consider it from my point of view. I don’t hang out in my own head when I’m having sex because I’m a non-op transsexual. I jump into your head. I have my eyes closed, and I am seeing the scene from your point of view. So, I’m asking you to do something that I want to do to a woman with the dick that I was supposed to have. I think it’s hot because it’s something a woman can’t possibly enjoy. There are no nerves there to give pleasure. There isn’t any clit to stimulate. It’s hot because it’s only for your pleasure and the woman is just being used like an object; a human fleshlight. All I’m saying is, I was born in a female body, but unfortunately, I was also born with the mind of a pretty gross guy. I’m not proud of it, but it’s something that I want. And I just thought you might be able to enjoy the fantasy with me.”

At the time, he sat there in stony silence, quietly hating me for pushing him to discuss things and care what I wanted. However, later I found that he’d been watching a bunch of porn about upside-down throat fucking. It became a fetish of his because I described it in a way that made it sound hot. Now, he continued to pretend that it was gross and refuse to do it with me, but that’s just because my ex-husband is basically the biggest douchebag on Earth.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it’s an example of bullet point three: If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might end up finding it hot after all.

I married my ex because he never said “no” to anything, and he was always up for new adventures. Once he had me trapped in marriage, he began to refuse any new things or anything fun. I have no idea why. I hope he works through that with his therapist or something. But, little-by-little, he became a completely different person after the wedding, and it was not the person I married.

Saying ‘no’ is pretty cruel when someone works up the nerve to ask for a secret sexy desire. And -while I apologize for lacing this post with my own post-marriage trauma- it’s relevant because what he did really hurt me. Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut. I have made a living for much of my life from writing kink erotica, hitting people for money, and throwing fetish proms. Sex is a huge part of who I am. And yet, even I feel shy when asking a new person for a new thing. It’s putting yourself out there and taking a risk, and being slapped down hurts all the way to the depths of your soul.

So don’t say ‘no.’ Say things like this instead:

• I’m curious to know what about that appeals to you. Would you be willing to tell me about it?

• I’d like to know more about how you visualize that working with us. Can you describe your vision?

• Can you tell me why I might enjoy this fetish?

 Even if you end up not being into the idea, you don’t have to say ‘no.’ My husband liked to say things like: ‘Absolutely not,’ or ‘There is no universe where I would be okay with that.’ Outright refusal is for assholes. Instead, try things like:

• I appreciate you sharing this with me. I’m not feeling it tonight, but let me think about it and do more research.

• I can see that this is important to you. Can you send me some links to some videos of it so I can try to get interested, too?

• I’m not sure if that would be safe for me. I would like to talk with my doctor about it and see what she says, and then I’ll get back to you.

• I won’t say ‘no’ because I know it took courage to ask; but is it okay if I say ‘not right now’ and give it some more thought on my own?

I once saw a meme where a guy is sitting at a computer and he clicks on a link to a porn video. He says: “That is sick! Who the fuck would be into that?” Then it has two frames of him just starring at the screen. In the final panel he says” “Oh shit, I guess I’m into that.” All I’m saying is, you might look into it and realize you are willing to give it a try.

I remember when I first thought about fisting. I have tokophobia (probably wrapped up in being trans,) and so I was instantly turned off by the idea because it was too close to the idea of giving birth.

However, I dated a guy who was amazing with his tongue and used to see how many times he could get me to orgasm in a night. It was like a fetish of his or something. He enjoyed getting me off, and he was good at it. Around the third or forth orgasm he would start putting fingers inside. One, then two, then three… until eventually his whole hand was inside me. He never exactly asked if he could, but then again, I was in too much ecstasy to protest. It reminds me of that old joke:

Her: “I’m not interested. I’m completely straight. I like men.”

Me: “Honey, you are spaghetti. You’re straight until you get hot and wet.”

I realize that sounds a little rapey -and I assure you I only ever said it to tease my good friends- but there is truth to it. Lots of things seem gross when you’re not turned on, but seem less gross after a few orgasms. And, if you have someone who is gifted with their tongue, that can make a lot of things seem less disgusting than you originally thought.

My ex husband said ‘no’ to a lot of things in more than a decade of marriage, and I don’t believe that any of them were fair. Most of them cost me a lot to ask for. After all, I have more than the average amount of shame wrapped up in sex and genitals since I have the wrong ones. (I always tell men: If you’re attracted to me then you’re at least little bit gay because I’m a guy.)

He said ‘no’ to trying romantic sex where we looked into each other’s eyes. He said ‘no’ to anal sex. He said ‘no’ to role-playing. He said ‘no’ to switching roles and topping me once in a while. He said ‘no’ to a MMF threesome. Etc… etc… etc…

I carry a lot of pain from how shitty he was. Some of it is wrapped up in refusing to have conversations about things or seek solutions to problems. Some of it is in how controlling he was. Some of it is in how lazy and mean he was. But the two biggest things that hurt me was:

• Saying ‘no’ to everything I wanted to try in bed.

• Harassing me for dressing up at home and bullying me into buying pajamas; which is not a thing I ever owned before I met him.

Some would say that the wrecking my cars drunk and having secret debt was worse. To each their own, I guess. But I know what hurt me the most, and I’m telling you from experience: Don’t just refuse to talk about things your partner wants to do in bed. It’s cruel.

Don’t Make Assumptions; Ask For What You Want

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This post is going to start with a tale of two rape fantasies (called “Consent Non-Consent” or “CNC” scenes). Trigger warning for anyone who might not want to proceed, because this content will get a little upsetting.

Snake Boy:

I dated a guy whose name I won’t use, but we’ll call him “Snake Boy” because he had a ball python (a normal pet in some places, but an odd choice where we were in South Korea).

Snake Boy asked me if we could do a rape scene. No one had ever asked me before, but I don’t shy away from trying new things so I said that I’d be happy to try if it. He didn’t give me any porn to watch to explain what he wanted, nor did he give me examples of the things he thought this would entail. He asked for a rape scene, and I agreed.

I asked Snake Boy to go outside and come back in sneakily, and I would pretend to be asleep. This way I could secretly enjoy one of my kinks (being fucked awake) while he enjoyed one of his.

When he snuck up to my bedroom, grabbed me, and penetrated me, I did exactly what some women reading this will recognize and understand: I held very still and cried quietly.

Some of the men reading this need more explanation, I know.

Basically, it goes like this: One in four women admit to being raped. The other three are probably just too ashamed to admit it. There are a lot of men out there who rape women. Don’t get upset. It’s just a fact. It’s not one guy doing it all. It’s a lot of them. And -while I’m not saying you are one of these men- if your ‘go to’ move is to get offended, then maybe you should look at that.

Women have learned through hard life experience that if you are raped, the best thing to do is to stay quiet and not fight. Women who fight get beaten and killed. I was actually beaten nearly to death and dumped in a dry riverbed to die when I was sixteen years old, and it was because I fought back.

Therefore, if you want to live, you stay very quiet and try not to move until it’s over. Maybe you even say something about how you enjoyed it so that you have a better chance of getting away. Men are much more likely to kill you if they think you will press charges. But if you say: “I’ve always wanted to do this” or something else that makes them feel safe, you’ll get away.

This is complicated by the fact that most men who rape you are ‘nice guys’ who you know, and that means you’ll see them again. The worst is when they assume that because they raped you, that means you are now their girlfriend. If you’re Autistic like me, this may lead to some very complicated situations in which you try to get the guy to go away because you know they are a dangerous rapist, but they keep following you around calling you their girlfriend.

One guy -we’ll call him ‘Roach’ because he reminded me of a cockroach- dragged me from the bathroom where I had been throwing up to his bedroom and raped me even though I said ‘no’ and tried to push him away while nearly passed out on the floor with puke on my clothes and face. The next day he started calling me his girlfriend and bought me a card where he hand-wrote a note about how special I was. And they say women play mind games.

Anyway, Snake Boy was very upset after the scene and told me: “That wasn’t a rape scene. You didn’t even struggle. Why would you think that is what I meant by rape?”

The audacity of these motherfuckers, you know? What a jerk.

But let’s move on to the second rape scene with The Vampire. No, he wasn’t Goth. It’s just that Twilight came out the same year I met him and his name was Edward, so I teased him mercilessly about his name and asked him why he didn’t sparkle in the sunlight. He’s dead now so I could use his real name, but I’m going to stick with The Vampire because it makes me laugh.

The Vampire asked for a rape scene, and then gave me a jump drive with a bunch of porn on it. He also rented a hotel room for the scene, and dressed up in black clothes and a black ski mask. See, he told me exactly what he wanted, gave a convincing back story about being a hotel employee who saw me check in and wanted me, and dressed the part. It was very sexy.

This time, I threw myself into the role as it was explained to me. I acted just like the girls in the movies he’d given me, with a lot of theatrical struggling and yelling.

It was exactly what The Vampire wanted, but he should have given the hotel staff a heads up or rented a bigger suite, I guess. That scene was interrupted by the cops. Huge props to someone for thinking a woman was being attacked, actually calling the cops about it. Huge props to the cops for actually responding to such a call, in spite of the statistics (they rarely respond and almost never press charges for actual rapes).

My point is: You cannot assume that someone knows what you want.

Snake Boy made a few assumptions that he should not have made, including assuming that I had never been raped before in real life, and assuming that I watched porn (which at the time I still did not). We can fake the reality to impersonate porn, but reality -left to its own devices- is almost never like porn. There are silly moments, tender moments, and all sorts of other things that porn leaves out. And obviously, some things are portrayed in a fantasy way because the real thing is not very sexy at all.

There is one thing that makes me happy about these two scenes when I look back. I’m glad that Snake Boy was disappointed by me acting the way most women actually act when they are raped. That means most rapists probably don’t enjoy it very much, and I’m glad if that’s true.


Things You’ll Be Ashamed to Talk About in the Morning

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There’s a tagline I have at the bottom of this blog:

“I want to do things you’ll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.”

This can sound fun to some people, or upsetting to others. However, I want to talk a little bit about what I actually mean when I say it.

Sometimes men watch porn or go to a sex club and see a woman doing something they feel is “gross,” and they will say: “How shameful! She clearly doesn’t respect herself.”

Aside from the fact that these guys tend to have a lot of latent homosexual feelings, there is also an inherent assumption that certain sex acts are incompatible with self-worth.

Guys, when I say you’ll be ashamed to talk about it in the morning, it’s supposed to be a joke. I’m not trying to push your boundaries or make you do things you don’t want to do. I’m not trying to make anyone hate themselves, and I don’t agree with those who are judgmental about what other folks are into. I’m just making a joke about how society at large feels that you’re supposed to be ashamed of sex, and anything you desire. I know a girl who felt so much shame about her own body that she didn’t masturbate until she was in her late 20’s and already had four kids.  I think that’s unhealthy, and I think shame is unhealthy. My tagline is meant to openly mock the concept of shame.

That said: I also want to remind folks that you don’t know what is going on inside another person’s head. You don’t know why they are doing what they are doing. That’s why judging them is extra ridiculous. And -if you’re honest- I think you can admit that most judgment is actually rooted in jealousy.

Maybe it’s not that the woman having anal sex at the club doesn’t respect herself. Maybe it’s that you want a guy to do that to you, and you’re afraid you won’t respect yourself if you have sex with a man.

Keep an open mind, and don’t be ashamed of who you are or what you want.

We Are the Weirdos, Mister

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The fetish community is made up of so many different kinds of people. Society at large would probably call us freaks, but I like to think that we are a tolerant bunch (at least within our community).

Something I have always said -which I stole from the iconic Jay Wiseman- is:

“Your kink is not my kink and that’s okay.”

If you are a White guy who likes to sleep with Black women (or men) because of some plantation fantasy, then I will let you do your thing without any commentary from me. If you are a woman who likes to pretend to be a child and have sex with adults, have at it. I admit that -for me personally- things like diapering are a real turn-off. But if it’s what you want to do, then you should do it.

One thing I have noticed over the years is that there are some trends. Many people figure out they are kinky and they want to start with fuzzy handcuffs and stuff. As they get deeper and deeper into the community, they start doing weirder and weirder things to try to get the same rush they felt the first time. Soon they find themselves watching octopus porn on some obscure website on the dark web, because they can’t get off unless they watch a woman have a live octopus shoved up inside her.

This is -perhaps- the one good thing about Artificial Intelligence. In modern porn, you know that no octopi were harmed because computer generated pictures and video are cheaper and easier than finding a woman willing to do it with an octopus.

That’s just a random example dating back to a visit to Bangkok where I was handing a brothel menu with things like “smoking pussy” and “eels in pussy” on it. Stay weird, Thailand. Stay weird.

My point is, people often fall down those holes into the extremely weird. Sometimes it happens over the course of years. Sometimes it happens overnight.

Then, in time, people often come around to realizing that the fun part about kink is actually enjoying your fellow odd ducks getting off on whatever they are into. Maybe it’s just some light dirty talk.

“Oh master, fuck me harder. I’m going to cum!”

Maybe it’s being blindfolded so you don’t know what is coming.

You realize it doesn’t have to be weirder than last time. It just has to be savored. Whatever play you are engaging in, you just have to commit to your role and enjoy the uniqueness of that specific experience.

Anyway, we are the weirdos.

I’m just pointing out a trend I see which makes me feel like we really aren’t that weird. We just like to have interesting experiences, and I’ll never understand why there is a stigma attached to that.

An Ode to Role Play

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I have a tattoo on my right leg. It is a flesh tear with gruesome, bloody flesh hanging on the sides. Inside the flesh tear is a field of butterflies and sunshine, with a beautiful fairy and colorful flowers. This piece is meant to compliment the black-and-grey leg sleeve on the other side, which is a very Goth collection of skulls and darkness.

This is because I am Goth on the outside, but cheerful and happy on the inside.

Some will cry “You’re a poser,” but it’s actually more about the deep and weird reality of being neurodivergent and having to “mask” to fit into the world and have a job.

The nature of our reality forces us to have personas. For example, who doesn’t know about the customer service voice? Most of us have been forced to work at a call center, wait tables, work retail, or do something else that required us to have a peppy, cheerful voice for customers.

For neurodivergent people, the masking goes deeper. I really am a weird Goth chick with an aesthetic I love. Pale skin, black leather, and lots of strappy things. But I am also a happy person who generally sees the best in people and has a positive outlook on life. I can be both things, and I am. It’s just that I have to hide so much of myself all the time to fit in with neurotypicals, that I end up having imposter syndrome about myself.

This confusion is eased by letting the different part of me out to play in a safe space.

My customer service voice wants to fuck you. I mean, I spent 40 hours a week being her for so many years, but she never got to have sex with anyone because she was all business. Maybe she needs to be let out and allowed to serve you in other ways until you’re a satisfied customer.

And, while Goth is how I like to look, sometimes I also want to act like the Goth girls on TV during sex. I want to be as bananas as Wednesday Addams on the dance floor, but also emotionless and with a blank expression. I mean, why shouldn’t I get to try it out and see how it feels while fucking?

My chipper internal monologue would also like a chance to act out. I want to put a blonde wig over my black hair and dress in something pink. I want to have sex like the preppy girl in my head who is always asking people to go hiking and pointing out the positive moments in our bleak existence.

I’m not saying I know what these personalities will do once I let them out. Maybe my customer service voice likes anal. I have no idea. But I want the chance to explore them in a safe space because they are parts of me, and since sex is such an important part of my life, I want them to explore their sexy sides.

Also, I want my partner to role-play.

Be the guy who thinks the blonde girl is hot, and act however that makes you feel. Be the guy that wants to fuck Wednesday Addams and do whatever that guy wants. Be the person who wants to have sex with the customer service lady, even if that’s some jerk who complains about everything.

I mean, I don’t want to date an asshole who is rude and flirts in obvious ways. But, maybe I want to have sex with that guy.

It’s like upside-down throat fucking. I don’t want someone I love to want to do that to me. But, I want someone I feel safe with to want to do that to me. So, just be someone else for a night so it’s not weird later. If it was just a persona you tried on then it’s not upsetting.

There was a toxic show that reinforced negative stereotypes called “Modern Family.” And -while I did not love how that show portrayed a family or gay people or anything else- I did laugh at the fact that once a year on Valentine’s day, the main characters Phil and Claire would go be different people. They always role-played the same people: Clive and Julia. But, it was so cute and even if the show made it look cheesy, that is a good representation in culture of a major fetish of mine.

Sure, we can be us most of the time. But on my birthday, or for Valentine’s day, or just sometimes; wy can’t we be someone else?


In-Person Interaction

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I was chatting with someone, and she said she never goes to munches. Not long after that, she said she wished she could figure out how to meet people. She did not see the irony in this at all.

I know that OkCupid and a few other dating sites have started to add options to let people know that you are into kink. And, I know that Fetlife is technically somewhere that you could “meet people” if you just went around stalking profiles.

However, I’ve always found in-person interaction to be the best way to meet people. For us kinky folks, we can go to any public dungeons in our area, or attend munches and play parties. But, even for vanilla people, all they have to do is get a hobby like hiking of knitting and then go to group events. I actually met a few people that I have dated though D&D (which has a surprisingly high percentage of kinksters involved.)

There’s a few reasons that in-person interactions are best, and I want to talk about them.

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Number One: Pheromones 

This is going to sound weird, but if you’re a female, you probably base a lot of your feelings of attraction on genetic compatibility. On a subconscious level, a women breaths in pheromones from a man and is more attracted to them if they are a better genetic match.

Have you ever had that guy that you totally hated, but you couldn’t stop having sex with him? This is why. And it’s also why the guy that is perfect for you in every way might not make you wet and horny.

Men are not able to detect genetic compatibility in this way, but they certainly feel more attracted to women who are attracted to them. So, sometimes a man will think “I don’t know why but I just can’t get enough of her.” This is usually because you can sense her sexual desire.

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Number Two: Looking Them in the Face

Another reason that meeting people in person is better is that you can see their faces. You shallow people are going to think that I mean you can make sure that they’re hot, but that’s not where I am going with this. I think physical attraction is highly subjective.

The real reason you want to see someone’s face is so that you can ask pointed questions and see if they are lying. Very few people can hide their feelings well, and when you say “I think Trump is the worst President in history,” you’ll see them flinch if they’re some MAGA psychopath. Then you know to walk away.

It’s easier for people to lie (or at least avoid the question) in text. So if you’re wasting time chatting in a messaging program for weeks, you’re probably not even getting an accurate picture of the person on the other side of the phone.

 

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Number Three: Waste Less Time

Another great thing about in-person interaction is that it happens faster. Let’s assume that you have to talk to twenty people before you find one that you like (or thirty for the really picky.) This can take forever if you text for months while working up to a first date.

Even worse, if you spend months texting with someone before you meet them, you may feel obligated when you do meet to “give the relationship a try” even if there’s no chemistry. That means wasting even more time in a bad relationship that’s going nowhere.

Meanwhile, if you talk to someone at a munch and you’re not into it, you can just excuse yourself and go talk to someone else. There’s no time and effort invested, so it’s not a horrible tragedy if it doesn’t work out.

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Number Four: Friends Help You

It also helps to make friends. When you go to an in-person event, it’s possible that you’ll meet people who you’re not attracted to, but whom you like anyway.

You might say: I thought we were talking about dating; what does making friends have to do with that? I think it has a lot to do with it.

When you make friends, those people tend to know other people. They might not be the one for you, but they might know the person who is. Networking is the best way to get anything you really want, after all.

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Number Five: Screening 

Think of meeting people in person as a screening process. You look around the room, and you see a guy wearing a Trilby. Those have become code for hipsters and incels, so you can be pretty safe in avoiding that person.

Maybe you see a guy in a suit and you think: “Arg, I don’t want to be with someone who tries that hard. I want to wear sweatpants.”

Maybe you see a guy in sweatpants and think: “Eww, I take care of myself and I want someone else who does.”

All I’m saying is, people tend to airbrush their dating profile photos and hide their flaws online. Flaws are harder to hide in person. So, you can think of an in-person meetup as a chance to screen the people in your area quickly and realistically.

You probably want to avoid the guy who can’t make eye contact. You likely won’t be into the guy who smells bad. And let’s all admit that guys add a few inches online, but they’re always shorter in person. If you meet at a munch, you’ll know if they’re actually taller than you, and if they’re not, you can judge how insecure they are about it in real time.

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The Point: Our Generation Forgot How to Date

It’s not our fault. The Internet marketed dating sites to us since we were kids. We all thought you were supposed to meet people online. I understand that. But I like to think of meeting people as a two-step process. First you find the online community where your sort of people hang out, and then you go to a meetup.

After all, if you meet a guy at the grocery story, he’ll probably be one of those folks who refuses to flog you because “he doesn’t want to hurt you” or thinks anal sex means something going in your butt instead of his. Vanillas are everywhere and they’re no fun at all.

Therefore, you want to narrow it down to an online community that you like where you know that people will have similar interests to you. Then, you want to actually go to a meetup and assess your options in person.

Is it a pain in the ass? Yes! Does dating suck a fat bag of dicks? Yes!

However, we’re social creatures and we’re just better off when we have cuddles and stuff. So, get out and do something! Find your people! And then find the one person (or people) among your crowd that you can connect with.

It’s still the best way to find love.

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Face-to-Face

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Most of the time, I try to have sex with other kinky people. However, sometimes there are limiting factors. For example, when I lived in South Korea the kink community was pretty small, and no one in my town was in it. If I wanted someone to hang out during the work week, I needed to find a person to date in my own town.

So I found a vanilla guy who was nice. Now of course, I wrote in the Orientation Series about how sometimes kinky people enjoy a little vanilla sex, so this should not shock you. However, it turns out that having vanilla sex with kinky people is different than having vanilla sex with vanilla people.

Or at least, it was for me.

This guy wanted me to look into his eyes during penetration. Now I will admit up front that penetration isn’t my  favorite part of sex. I am female. That’s not how we get off. My favorite part of sex is the part where I get off, just like everyone else. However, beyond that, I don’t actually know why people look into each other’s eyes during penetration. His answer of “you just do” really wasn’t sufficient, but he was indignant that I didn’t feel comfortable doing it.

In fact, perhaps “indignant” doesn’t cover it. He said I had serious psychological issues and that I needed to see a therapist because I wasn’t “normal.” It was very hurtful.

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You might think “What is the big deal? Why didn’t you just open your eyes?”

Well, the answer to that is simple: I open my eyes when it makes sense to me to do so. If I am running a scene, I need my eyes open. I can’t hit something that I can’t see, after all. I sometimes have my eyes open to watch someone go down on me, as well. During threesomes and orgies you mostly need your eyes open so you can make sure not to bump into others…

These are all good reasons to open your eyes.

I even have moments where I can remember that it felt really passionate to lock eyes. For example, once my husband and I were sharing a girl we both really liked. We locked eyes over her chest, and there was a lifetime of words and thoughts in that single, perfect moment. I was happy on my own, and he was happy on his own, but together we were somehow so much happier than we could have been on our own because we were sharing the experience together.

So there are lots of times that I open my eyes during various parts of sex.

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However, during the penetration part I don’t tend to open my eyes.

There are about a million reasons and there is no need to detail them all. For me, I think it all boils down to the fact that I just don’t find that part of sex exciting. I can enjoy it. Particularly if I just had an orgasm, it can feel good while my clit is still swollen. However, there just aren’t a lot of nerves in the vagina and I always think of the penetration part of being, you know, for the guy.

Think of it this way:

Lesbian porn is all about girls fingering other girls and penetrating them with toys, right? Because men run the porn industry and men can only think of sex in terms of penetration. They desperately need to think that we love that part of sex.

And yet actual lesbian sex is nothing like that. When two girls get together, it’s more about kissing, licking and touching various areas of skin, and going down on each other. Sometimes a finger or two might go in here or there, but lesbians rarely bother with any toys. That’s because for women, sex centers around our orgasms. And in spite of all the nonsense men are taught, we have orgasms from clitoral stimulation.

So I guess the reason I don’t want to look a guy in the eyes during penetrative sex is mainly because it’s forcing me to play into his fantasy. If my eyes are closed I can be in my own world thinking about sexy things so that I can feel aroused. If I open my eyes, I have to stare into his and pretend that penetration is my favorite part because all my genitalia really want is a big, hard penis inside.

And look, I don’t want to have to cater to male fragility in bed.

I feel the same way about penetrative sex with a guy as they feel about going down on me. Exactly the same. Whatever thoughts a man has had about going down on a girl; those are the thoughts I have about the penetration part. I’m not going to get off from it. But, I am turned on by thinking that I am helping you have an orgasm. Sometimes I am bored because you take forever. Blah Blah same shit men think about going down on a woman.

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Staying Friends

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I try to always keep in touch with people who have meant a lot to me. And in particular, anyone who I have had sex with. After all, the many men and women who have had sex with me have seen me with my guard down. They know things and understand things about me that others may not. Plus, I think it is a sign of being a mature adult when you can handle seeing your exes socially.

And yet, not too long ago I told one of them to fuck off.

His name was “Pretty;” a nickname given by my friends because he was stunningly beautiful (and in their mind it was his only positive feature.) He and I had dated for the better part of 15 years. However, I refused to ever make him a primary because he was volatile and unpleasant around others. He mostly didn’t date other people at all for the 15 years he and I were together, and I mostly kept him as my “honored second.” (I did take a break a few times when he got really nuts.)

Over the years, I put up with him refusing to see a psychiatrist in spite of his problems. If I had to guess, I would diagnose him with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety. But of course, we will never know since he wouldn’t talk to someone. I watched him alienate everyone who tried to befriend him or date him for 15 years, and I patiently caught him when he fell. I even bought him a motorcycle and rented him an apartment when he failed at providing for himself. I paid his bills sometimes when he was short now and then, too.

However, he lied to me and betrayed me.

In my mind, that was that. I grieved for the relationship, and I let it go.

Recently he tried to contact me again. I thought of how I try to renew contact with exes after the mourning period, and how it would be mature of me to try to make nice. I thought of how he had been at so many of my shows and events that I had thrown, and he knew all my best stories. I thought of how he is unable to maintain relationships and so he must be lonely.

And then I told him no.

And you know what?

It was the right thing to do.

Yes, it was hard. But the thing is, he never did anything but throw tantrums in public, ask for money, and make poor decisions. And in the end he betrayed me in spite of all of my kindness. I realized that some exes should not be invited back into your life. Some of them really shouldn’t have been in your life in the first place.

The truth is, you can’t “fix” people, and you can’t help anyone who won’t help themselves.

It’s too bad, but that’s the end of that. Goodbye “Pretty.”

 

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Talking About Sex: Part Two

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Communication

In the kink community, we like to use scene negotiation forms, worksheets, and checklists. I generally make a pot of tea, and then we have tea while discussing the paperwork. This is because there is a lot to consider when you are about to have a kinky threesome with two of the participants gagged and a role play scenario playing out. Vanilla sex is less complicated. Because of this, you may not need paperwork in order to let your partner know what you need.

Things to keep in mind:

1. Use positive language.

Of course this applies to all communication, but it is particularly important when talking about sex, because it is a very sensitive topic for people.

Example of poor communication: “When my ex Mandy used to lick my asshole it was amazing and I want you to do it just like her.”

Why is this an example of poor communication?

Well, for starters, we’re referring to an ex by name, and that can make it more hurtful, as though you are comparing your partner to someone else. It is often less hurtful to say something like: “In the past, I have enjoyed X.”

Now, another way this is hurtful is that the person speaking is throwing the idea in their partner’s face. We shouldn’t do that when raising new ideas or fantasies. Instead we should try to bring up the idea in a more gentle way, such as “Have you ever given any thought to X?”

Finally, let’s remember that we need to give our partner room to say no if something isn’t okay with them. People can be uncomfortable with various things due to past trauma like rape, previous negative experience with the specific thing, and many other factors. If we introduce a new idea, we need to be willing to receive a “no,” and we need to leave room to hear it.

2. Set the right mood.

When there is paperwork, you need light. Hence I try to use my living room as the place to sit, with cozy warm drinks and comfortable furniture.

However, if you are not doing a kink scene negotiation, then you probably don’t need a handout to talk about it. If that is the case, then I recommend having conversations about sex in the dark, in bed. If possible, it helps to be physically touching in some way, although I can understand that when you feel the need to emotionally pull back, you may also feel the need to physically pull back. We can’t always control those involuntary things that are brain makes our body do. However, maintain physical contact if you can, because it helps. Touch is comforting.

I also recommend music, which is something I use. I don’t necessarily use relaxing music, because often I am trying to create a sexy mood and I personally don’t find relaxing music sexy. You may feel differently. It doesn’t matter what you select as long as it’s something that you and your partner both like. It fills in awkward pauses and provides a helpful distraction.

3. Bring all your love and acceptance.

It is wonderful if you can get some or even most of the things that you want from your partner. However, since people are all very different, you will probably never get every single thing you need from one person.

Therefore, you may ask for some things and get a no. Perhaps your partner doesn’t like role-play. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable with spanking. It could be that anal sex just isn’t their thing.

And when you run into a thing that you would like and you ask your partner, it can be easy to feel like you deserve this thing because you got up the courage to ask. This is natural, but it is also wrong. You need to overcome that feeling.

Yes, it takes courage to ask for things.

However, your partner still has a right to say no.

So when you are talking about things you want, remember that you won’t get all of them. Maybe you really want to go to a sex club and switch partners with another couple. But, maybe your partner is not comfortable having sex with strangers and needs to get to know someone first. Well, just because you want to go to a sex club and have sex with a stranger, doesn’t mean that you get to if you want to stay in the relationship. You both have to be okay with it.

When possible, try to find a compromise. In the example above, you wanted to swap partners at a sex club. However, your significant other didn’t feel comfortable with that because they won’t sleep with strangers. So, you can compromise by getting to know a couple first, and then taking then to a sex club and swapping partners. If you’re all into role-play you can even pretend you have never met once you get there.

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Summary

The keys to remember are:

1. Get comfortable with the idea of talking about sex.

2. Figure out what you want first.

3. Use positive language, set up a cozy environment, and be prepared to hear “no.”

4. Never stop communicating with your partner, and re-negotiate your sexual interests at least once a year because tastes change over time.


Note: I am sure all of you wonderful people know this already, but I will remind you anyway. Please make sure that you take time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about them before you talk to them. People can be very sensitive about sex.

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Parts of a Scene

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A friend asked me how long an average kink scene is, and I had to think about it because it seems like it is different for everyone. I thought it would be easier, instead of giving a time, to break down each section.

Scene Set Up

Before your intended arrives, there are things you need to do! First, get a dungeon playlist together. Nothing that is going to make you guys laugh. (Unless you want that in the scene.) I guess what I mean is, nothing that will make you break character when you don’t want to.

My favorite bands for play are element a440, Hardwire, Faderhead, and Selfless. But of course, I throw in Marilyn Manson or NIN from time to time, or whatever I am in the mood for that has a good beat. Sometimes it’s a Children of Bodem kind of day, or a Cradle of Filth Day. Obviously not everyone has my taste in music, but that’s just what I like.

Set out your toys! You don’t want to go rummaging for things, so set out all the toys you want to use and make sure they are all clean. If you will be using condoms, set those out as well. Make sure everything you might need is already out and ready to go.

I usually take about 30 minutes to an hour to select my playlist, layout my toys, and prepare any required paperwork.

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Scene Negotiation

I like to make tea, because I think it’s easier to talk about sex with a warm cup of something in your hand. I also enjoy using forms for new subs, because I think it makes it easier for them to tell me what they want and what their limits are. For men who will be using toys that make marks on women, I always suggest one of the forms you consider is a consent form, making it clear exactly what is being consented to. Hitting? Leaving marks? Sex? Get it in writing, just in case.

Scene negotiation is about communication. Establish safe words, talk about limits, suggest roles, and discuss general things you want. Also, discuss STDs and trade tests before agreeing to have sex without a condom. Discuss how you plan to prevent pregnancy (if applicable). Just get all the issues on the table.

With a new person, this often takes me an hour. But with someone I play with regularly, it’s more like a 15 minute ‘what should we try today’ kind of thing.

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Play Part

Then comes the actual tying up. Of course I have talked about rope not being my favorite thing. I am more the cuffs and collars type. But whatever you do to restrain your sub, then you get into the various ideas for what to do.  Obviously there are lots of toy options from nipple clamps to floggers and whips. There’s knife play and fire play and any number of fun games to play with someone when they are restrained.

Note: Please please please don’t just do what you see in porn. I know we have all watched stuff on kink.com and I am not saying that is a bad thing. But do not just use vibratos and be lazy. Put in some effort. There is nothing worse than a lazy Dom who just ties up their sub, straps a vibrator on them, and goes out for a smoke. (Unless she asked for that, in which case do ahead.)

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Sex Part

The sex part and the play part can totally overlap. I am not trying to tell you how you have to run a scene or anything. However, if you’re whipping and spanking and such, there is usually a level of physical distance between you that makes sex impossible, so I am assuming that most of us do the sex part after the play part.

I have written before about how sometimes sex is a long affair if you get one of those wonderful guys who is obsessed with giving women multiple orgasms. (Miss you all the time Dante!)

Anyway, how long this takes is up to you. I am going to say about an hour, because that seems about right.

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Aftercare

This is really important so please don’t skip it! Resentment builds up way too quickly in kink relationships when it comes to things that both parties don’t enjoy. It’s harder to talk about than vanilla sex.

So, hold your sub. Pet them. Tell them that they are beautiful and that they are a good girl/boy. And invite them to give you feedback. Be genuine. You want feedback. It’s okay if they are too shy to speak up the first few times. Just keep asking.

I guess this is usually 30 minutes to an hour.

So, how long is a scene? I have no idea. I guess my point is that it all depends on you.