Introduction to Headspace

March 20, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Note: I am preparing a lecture series for a speaking engagement I was booked for, and I am sharing the information here so that anyone and everyone can use them. Today’s topic is Part One of the introduction to kink workshop, where I discuss how head space plays a role in kink.

Introduction to Kink: Headspace

There are a lot of aspects to kink, which I think people don’t realize. From the outside, maybe it’s the clothes that folks notice, or maybe they heard about a specific fetish and they find it weird. But there is a lot more to kink than that.

First, let’s talk about the mindset.

A huge part of kink s something we like to call “head space.” This refers to the frame of mind a person gets into when they are going to play a kink scene.

There are terms you should know that are involved in this frame of mind. Here are some quick and dirty definitions.

Sub Space: This is a way to describe the peaceful state that a submissive is trying to obtain during a scene. Ideally, they want to become completely relaxed and go inside of themselves. They want to focus completely on the sensations happening to them.

Catharsis: We use this term to describe the feeling of getting into sub space and having that perfect moment of peace. This can often cause a submissive to cry; but it is not tears from the pain or degradation involved in a scene. It is the feeling of finally getting an experience they dreamed of and feeling the way they hoped to feel.

After Care: After a scene, it is important to talk it out if possible. Bringing up any problems can make for a better scene next time. However, sometimes there is nothing to talk about. Sometimes everything was wonderful, and the only thing to do is to remain in physical contact (For example, stroking a Pet’s hair) until they “come down.”

Sub Drop: This expresses the feeling a submissive feels when a scene is over. Sometimes this is due to a lack of After Care, but it can also happen even with an attentive top. Sometimes there is just a feeling of sadness that follows, and it is important to be supportive of a submissive during this time.

Top Drop: We use this term to describe the feelings of sadness a top might feel after a scene. There is a rush of adrenalin and endorphins during a scene, and sometimes afterwards when those hormones wear off, it can leave you feeling let down.

There are lots more terms, but I don’t want to overload you with information since this is meant to be an introduction to kink. These terms are given mostly to illustrate what it is like from a mental standpoint. There is a lot going on under the surface. To an outsider it may just look like a woman in leather hitting a boy who is tied up, but that isn’t all there is to kink. A huge part of it is the mental play, and embracing the roles of Master and Slave (or Top and Bottom or Dom and Sub- you get the idea.)

How do you get into headspace?

A common question is how to approach getting into the right frame of mind. After all, it doesn’t necessarily come naturally to a person to whip another person (for some it does, but let’s focus on the folks who need help.)

I am almost always the Top, or Domme in a scene.

For me, getting into a headspace is mostly about putting on my clothes (I favor a lot of vinyl) and listening to loud music. The clothes are sort of a ritual. It’s a way for me to leave my normal mindset and focus on the mindset I am trying to transition into. The loud music is usually industrial, and that just gets my blood flowing.

This is not unlike getting yourself into other types of mindsets. For example, think of women who take a long time to shave and dress while listening to music before a date; it’s about feeling sexy. Or think of a man who practices lines in the shower, trying to focus on what to say on a date. Even in the case of putting on something solemn and black before a funeral, you are mentally preparing yourself for the situation you are about to go into.

Kink is just like this. It also requires getting into a mood.

Scene Negotiation:

I know that in the porn movies things just happen. But in real life, we need to focus on “safe, sane, and consensual.” That means talking things out first.

There are several useful scene negotiation forms online, but basically you need to decide a few things:

1. What role do you want to play?

2. What are your soft limits (things you are unsure about)?

3. What are you hard limits (things you refuse to do)?

4. What will you be using to prevent STDs or pregnancy?

5. What is your safe word (red for stop, yellow for slow down, green for go)?

Note: I like to use stoplight colors for safe words because I think it’s universal and easy. I know all the jokes are about silly safewords like “banana pancakes” and you can do that if you want. But it’s best in the begging to keep it simple.

Now, a basic scene negotiation form will help you negotiate those main points, but of course there is more you can consider. For example, there are several good fetish lists online, so you can download one and fill it out with your partner if you want to get more in-depth in your discussions (maybe you are eager to have a serious conversation about adult baby play?)

You don’t have to go overboard your first time out, but you do need to make sure that you both have clear expectations. If you think resentment can build up quickly in vanilla sex (why won’t she go down on me?) trust me that it can build up faster when kink is involved.

Setting Up a Scene:

Once you are in the right mindset, it is important to set up the scene. Sometimes kink is spontaneous, but not most of the time. It is more typical for things to be planned in advance. Here are some things to consider:

Safety: Make sure that if you are using rope, you have something to cut the rope away quickly if needed. Have water handy for your submissive as physical strain can lead to a need to hydrate. Make sure you have a safeword sorted out, or a nonverbal signal if the submissive will be gagged.

Mood: Make sure that your lighting is right, and you have music in the background. Set everything up in such a way that both you and your partner will be comfortable.

Toys: Any toys you plan to use should be cleaned and laid out beforehand, so that they are easy to get to. This is because stopping a scene to dig for a toy can jar the submissive out of subspace. If possible, it’s best to avoid stopping the scene.

Blankets: Make sure there is a yoga mat or blanket on the floor if you intend to have your submissive kneel for any part of the scene.

These are just general concerns, but obviously there are specifics to consider too. For example, if you are doing anal, you should have lube handy. Always be prepared so that things can go smoothly once the scene begins.

Playing a Scene:

Once it is time to actually play, it’s up to you what you want to do! I can’t tell you what your kink should be. However, I do want to caution you to start slowly, and let sensations build. You don’t want to whip someone full-force right from the start. Perhaps run the whip along their skin first, and then let it fall across them lightly. Just let thinks build up so that you can both have time to make sure that you are okay with what is happening, and so that it isn’t too jarring.

Summary:

In conclusion, the mindset you go into play with is important. I know that isn’t apparent when watching a scene at a dungeon or in a movie. However, I want to assure you that what is going on underneath the surface is every bit as important as what is going on outside of the participant’s heads. Kink is about indulging in fetishes, but it is also about a power exchange taking place below the surface, and without that component it isn’t very exciting or fulfilling for anyone.

Parts of a Scene

December 20, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

A friend asked me how long an average kink scene is, and I had to think about it because it seems like it is different for everyone. I thought it would be easier, instead of giving a time, to break down each section.

Scene Set Up

Before your intended arrives, there are things you need to do! First, get a dungeon playlist together. Nothing that is going to make you guys laugh. (Unless you want that in the scene.) I guess what I mean is, nothing that will make you break character when you don’t want to.

My favorite bands for play are element a440, Hardwire, Faderhead, and Selfless. But of course, I throw in Marilyn Manson or NIN from time to time, or whatever I am in the mood for that has a good beat. Sometimes it’s a Children of Bodem kind of day, or a Cradle of Filth Day. Obviously not everyone has my taste in music, but that’s just what I like.

Set out your toys! You don’t want to go rummaging for things, so set out all the toys you want to use and make sure they are all clean. If you will be using condoms, set those out as well. Make sure everything you might need is already out and ready to go.

I usually take about 30 minutes to an hour to select my playlist, layout my toys, and prepare any required paperwork.

Scene Negotiation

I like to make tea, because I think it’s easier to talk about sex with a warm cup of something in your hand. I also enjoy using forms for new subs, because I think it makes it easier for them to tell me what they want and what their limits are. For men who will be using toys that make marks on women, I always suggest one of the forms you consider is a consent form, making it clear exactly what is being consented to. Hitting? Leaving marks? Sex? Get it in writing, just in case.

Scene negotiation is about communication. Establish safe words, talk about limits, suggest roles, and discuss general things you want. Also, discuss STDs and trade tests before agreeing to have sex without a condom. Discuss how you plan to prevent pregnancy (if applicable). Just get all the issues on the table.

With a new person, this often takes me an hour. But with someone I play with regularly, it’s more like a 15 minute ‘what should we try today’ kind of thing.

Play Part

Then comes the actual tying up. Of course I have talked about rope not being my favorite thing. I am more the cuffs and collars type. But whatever you do to restrain your sub, then you get into the various ideas for what to do. Obviously there are lots of toy options from nipple clamps to floggers and whips. There’s knife play and fire play and any number of fun games to play with someone when they are restrained.

Note: Please please please don’t just do what you see in porn. I know we have all watched stuff on kink.com and I am not saying that is a bad thing. But do not just use vibratos and be lazy. Put in some effort. There is nothing worse than a lazy Dom who just ties up their sub, straps a vibrator on them, and goes out for a smoke. (Unless she asked for that, in which case do ahead.)

Sex Part

The sex part and the play part can totally overlap. I am not trying to tell you how you have to run a scene or anything. However, if you’re whipping and spanking and such, there is usually a level of physical distance between you that makes sex impossible, so I am assuming that most of us do the sex part after the play part.

I have written before about how sometimes sex is a long affair if you get one of those wonderful guys who is obsessed with giving women multiple orgasms. (Miss you all the time Dante!)

Anyway, how long this takes is up to you. I am going to say about an hour, because that seems about right.

Aftercare

This is really important so please don’t skip it! Resentment builds up way too quickly in kink relationships when it comes to things that both parties don’t enjoy. It’s harder to talk about than vanilla sex.

So, hold your sub. Pet them. Tell them that they are beautiful and that they are a good girl/boy. And invite them to give you feedback. Be genuine. You want feedback. It’s okay if they are too shy to speak up the first few times. Just keep asking.

I guess this is usually 30 minutes to an hour.

So, how long is a scene? I have no idea. I guess my point is that it all depends on you.

50 Shades of Grey

January 1, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

For the longest time I saw no point in reviewing this book. I saw no point in writing a blog about it, or even bringing it up. I didn’t even know what to say, and in any case, it has been written about over and over by so many people that one more voice didn’t seem like it would add much to the collective dialogue.

I mean, even Dave Barry wrote about 50 Shades of Grey! I definitely didn’t see that one coming. (But it was really funny and you should read it.)

My point is: everything that could be said had been said, and I didn’t know what I could possible add.

But a recent Google search for something kinky again pulled up more 50 Shades of Grey links and pictures, and I found myself miserable that a community I have been in for so long is associated with something so bad. I suddenly felt that this was an “if you see something, say something” situation like stopping men from harassing women or anyone from beating a child. I didn’t care if it had all been said. I was going to say it again!

So first, I have a reading list of good books related to kink that you can read. So you should know right away that there are excellent source materials out there that are not very bad erotic fiction written by someone clueless about kink.

Second, let’s talk about the BDSM slogan: “Safe, Sane, and Consensual.”

It is not safe to date someone who stalks you. It is not safe to date someone who forces you away from your friends and insists on you keeping things a secret. Those are the behaviors of abusers, and you need to stay away from abusive men and women. No one should ever try to isolate you from loved ones like your friends and family, and no one should ever come to your home after you tell them to leave you alone. It’s not healthy to break boundaries that are set by your partner, and is not sane behavior to stalk someone.

And remember that consent is a really big deal. I totally make people fill out consent forms. I have them fill out checklists over tea. I do intense scene negotiations to make sure I am clear on what someone is okay with. And that is how BDSM is supposed to be.

The relationship in 50 Shades of Grey is super unhealthy, as plenty of people before me have said.

I read the book because of a friend of mine named Doctor Xtreme who makes interesting sex toys. He lives in Denver Colorado, and he reported to me that the book store near his house had a pallet of the first 50 Shades book brought in each day and sold out by nightfall. Of course, he was in no way implying that it was a good book. Only that it was a popular book.

Why does that matter? Well, as many have said, it reflects upon the community.

And the truth is, this unhealthy relationship between Ana and Christian reflects very poorly on our community. It will bring new people to our munches and fetish proms who are looking for abusive relationships; coming to us with horrible standards for what they think BDSM is.

It was also pretty awful writing. As an avid reader my entire life, I think I can say that. It was very hard to get through already for ideological reasons, but then I also had to force myself to keep reading (the way I do with a dull textbook for a college course that I’m not into.)

And now they are going to make a movie of the first book, and when that goes well, I bet they make the whole set. I am dreading it. It’ll bring it all out into the public eye again where we all have to discuss it some more, and that won’t be any fun at all.

Anyway, I just wanted to add my voice to those arguing for safe and consensual sex. I hope in the future, more people will come to realize that the BDSM community is a wonderful place, and that 50 Shades of Grey is not representative of us.

Power Dynamics

May 21, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

A recent conversation with a friend got me thinking about power dynamics in relationships, and some bi-products that can happen.

He had complimented me, and I thanked him. I expressed surprise, because I do not receive a lot of compliments. He said I must be surrounded by assholes, but of course, that is not the case.

I tried to explain that I think it is about power and intimidation. I have a very imposing personality, which I didn’t always have. And when I was more shy, I know that people complimented me more. But working as a Dominatrix really centered my personality and gave me a confident air. This confidence can be very hard for men to deal with. I am forceful, strong-willed, and opinionated. I often compliment men, in fact. This really throws them off. The world has (for some unfair reason) been set it up so that boys chase girls. Men are not used to being chased, complimented, or even spoken to by a woman in a confident and self-assured tone.

Obviously this is not true for all people everywhere. This is a broad generalization of typical behaviors. In the BDSM world, I think it is less common. It’s more of a standard in the vanilla world. But many women in the BDSM community DO choose to be submissive, and so they do mimic the vanilla world in some ways. One of those is having men pursue them, and being somewhat shy.

It is my theory that the person who holds the upper hand in a power dynamic is more often the one who chases their partner; giving compliments and buying presents. I’m not sure if my readers agree, so feel free to comment. And of course please understand that I do know some relationships have an even power dynamic. It’s just that in my experience, that is rare. Generally one person is more dominant and in control.

I just think that submissives can feel of sense of reverence and almost worship for their Dom or Domme, and they do not necessarily ever express this in words. They can be shy, and unsure of what to say. But I think those of us who are Dominant can feel this, and do not need to hear words to understand it.

I could be wrong. Maybe it’s not true for everyone. Maybe there is something specific about me that causes this. But it seems to me that other Dommes have mentioned this to me before. So I am going to go ahead and assume that it is normal.

And to be clear, it doesn’t extend to much else. I have done a lot of scene negotiations and I am good at putting people in a comfortable place to talk about sex. I try to make sure that my subs can feel safe talking to me about anything.

So it’s not like people struggle to talk to me. But I feel there is a correlation between my intimidation level and compliments. And that’s okay.

I just wanted to point out that I do NOT think it is because I am surrounded by assholes.

Speaking and Workshops

September 10, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

So many toys to play with!

I was recently asked if I do workshops and lectures. In fact, I have and I do.

Usually, it’s for groups of people that I know or that I meet on Felife or at an event. However, if someone DID wish to contact me through my blog, I suppose I should tell you that I have an e-mail that you can use. It’s: ladyvioletemail@gmail.com

I would give out a phone number, but the internet has some strange kids on it sometimes, so I think it’s best if I leave it at an e-mail for now.

Taking a pet for a walk.

In my experience, a good workshop is about 10 people. I’ve done them on all kinds of topics from scene negotiation to flogging lessons to pegging.

Yes, I make handouts. Yes, I bring my own toys.

So let me know if you have questions, or if you are interested. Fees can be discussed along with what you’re hoping to learn. However please note: I do this in private homes. I will not do it on a stage for a large venue. I have done enough of that, and it’s frustrating because no one can talk or ask questions. It crosses the line from workshop to performance art, and I am not a performance artist.

If you’re not sure if what you’re looking for would be okay or not, just ask.

Sensation play!

Flogging Tips

September 4, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Not too long ago I found myself in a room with a girl and a boy who wanted to play BDSM. I suggested starting with a flogger because it is a good beginner toy (they are pretty soft and don’t do a lot of damage for the most part.)

I should have given instructions to the girl before I handed her my flogger, but I guess I forget that using a flogger isn’t an automatic motion for some people.

The trick is to figure out how to move only your wrist, so as not to wear yourself out. It’s a simple figure-eight motion, and it doesn’t take a whole body worth of force (though later after you have warmed someone up, maybe you want to throw your whole body into something.)

You start out with soft, even strokes on one side and then the other, in a rhythm. Little by little, you build up how much force you use. So, as you swing the flogger and connect, each time is just a big harder than the last.

You shouldn’t grab the ends and snap a flogger at first. You can build up to that if your sub has agreed to something like that. But most subs who like floggers have told me that they like them because it’s more about sensation than about pain. If you snap them, then it hurts much more. Also, if you do it with the right kind of flogger, you can break skin.

I am not saying it’s always bad to break skin, by the way. Some people like that. However, the amount of people who like it is very small, and therefore it’s not something that you want to do without talking about it in detail with your sub first. Remember to cover such things in scene negotiation before you play!

For me personally, I will not break skin or leave marks without making sure I have a signed consent form. I may have broken this rule with one of two relationships I have had with men, but I never break it with women because some accusations can ruin your life.

Anyway the point is; this girl I was with just started flailing the flogger around wildly, with no control at all. She missed the guy entirely once or twice and hit the walls instead. Then, in an attempt to control the flogger, she started grabbing the ends of the tails to snap it. That, of course, resulted in an angry submissive who wasn’t okay with such intense pain; particularly when it came with no warm up at all.

I took the flogger from her and tried to show her what she was doing wrong, but maybe that is something best practiced in private on a pillow, before trying to hit a real person. I learned to handle a flogger so long ago that I honestly can’t remember if I started on a person or not. I would guess not though, since I know my first encounter with a flogger was at Madam Tracy’s, and I assume she would have had me practice the figure-eight motion before there was a submissive in the room.

The point is; always talk first with the person who plans to get hit about what their expectations are. If they say that they do not know, it is best to give them a simple system of green-for-go, yellow-for-uncomfortable, and red-for-stop. Then start with a figure-eight motion and hit them softly, allowing the sensation of the flogger to be all that they feel. Slowly build to hitting harder and harder, so that it will start to sting over time. Vary where you hit, so as not to just attack one spot over and over. And of course, don’t snap it unless you know they are okay with possible permanent damage to their skin.

Note: Some people like to use two floggers at once. It’s the same idea; just with two hands. This requires more space, and I would suggest mastering the art of a single flogger before you try to duel-wield

A Kinky Threesome

February 18, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Her clothes, topped with pink panties, on my end table in the morning.

She walked in and the three of us sat around my table. I made tea. Pet is going to Top her tonight, and I am going to supervise. I might even jump in. I haven’t decided.

In the past, when pet told me he was a switch, I found him a Malaysian girl to Top. It was cute because she thanked me every time they played. However, I haven’t seen him as a Dominant and I am curious what that looks like. So, now I am sharing my pretty little princess with him. As I watch, he is doing his first formal scene negotiation, paperwork and all. She fills out the forms and he reads them with a smile. I clear the tea and he says to her:

“You should be naked now.”

She looks alarmed.

“You’re not serious!” she says to him. Then she looks at me for help. “He’s not serious, is he?”

I just smile.

She takes her clothes off slowly, and folds and stacks them on my end table. Pet watches like a hawk, and he is grinning from ear to ear. It is the most adorable scene to watch! I stand back while he puts her cuffs on.

He takes up her riding crop. He’s never used one before and he looks both nervous and excited. He tries it out, running it along her skin. He starts to hit her softly, but he’s clearly afraid to hurt her. This makes me smile.

I watch him as he toys with her with the crop, and then later with the flogger. He considers the nipple clamps, but seems to decide against them at the last minute. While he is considering the various toys, I decide I can no longer resist. I walk over to her and start to caress her pretty little frame. I love the way she leans into my touch, like a playful kitten.

When pet sees what I am doing, he joins me. She doesn’t seem to know what to do now, writhing against both of us while we run our hands along her body and kiss and bite her skin. At one point while I am biting her nipple and he is nibbling her neck, our eyes lock. I have felt, these last many months, a growing fondness for my pet. At that moment though, we are united in thought and purpose so perfectly, and we are moving in harmony over her body. It is perfect, and at that moment, I love him. Anyone who can share such an experience without jealousy or awkwardness; who can simply enjoy the series of perfect moments with me… well… what more could anyone ever ask for in another human being?

We devour her in a series of positions. We tie her to the couch. We play with her on the table. At one point, pet picks her up and holds her with her back to me, while I flog her. He tosses her around like she weighs nothing- and I know she DOES weigh nothing to him because I am twice her size and he can toss me around.

Eventually we go upstairs and they have sex while I watch. They are a mass of skinny legs, muscles, and heaving chests. I am enthralled They are more beautiful than the people in porn, and I can’t believe this much sexiness is actually in my bed right now. I reach out and touch her breasts, which are shaking as he fucks her. They are so perfect. Not for the first time, the night feels like a drunken dream, where everything is perfect because in your mind things can be just as you imagine them. It’s rare that my reality is this amazing, and I enjoy every second.

So many fun things happen that night.

At one point, pet wants to switch because she wants to see me beat him. I tie him to my balcony and hit him as hard as I can. When I use the flogger he jumps, and I snap it hard so the sound echoes off the walls. Pet cries out a few times. She winces at the sound, and he jumps in pain again as I switch to the crop. The whole time though, she grins. I hit him over and over, and she is just there in my chair looking on like an excited little kid.

“Why is this so hot?” she asks me.

I just smile.

After I beat my pet, I put him on the floor. He curls into a little ball, and she plays with him and pets his head while I finger him. He’s shy and doesn’t want me to fuck him in front of her, so I don’t. I just finger him and spank him. She seems very amused by this.

We all spend a lot of time cuddling each other on the floor. It’s where we ended up after sex on all the furniture. I watch them move against each other and I am amazed at how perfect their bodies look together, like a god and goddess on loan to me from some unknown heaven. Her skin glows softly in the candle light, a perfect amber color. When pet puts his arms around her his muscles flex and he looks so strong and powerful. They are incredible.

At some point, after we get into bed again.

Before we fall asleep, when she first comes upstairs, she lays with me. I hold her tightly in my arms and she whispers sweet words to thank me for the scenes, and to tell me how much fun she had. I hold her against me and feel her soft, perfect body.

This, right here, is what happy feels like.

Pet joins us and we put him in the middle. It’s winter and it’s very cold. Pet is warm. So while he spoons her, I spoon him. We drift off to sleep easily, and all of us are perfectly happy.

What is a play party?

December 26, 2012 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

It’s not really related, but here is a penis lizard from Samcheok because it made me laugh- so maybe you’ll laugh too.

I’m planing a play party, and a lot of people have asked me what that entails. I feel like I have come at how to explain it from every angle, and it’s actually really hard to describe since they are different with every organizer. I thought I should write a post about how I like to do things, just as an example for people.

So first thing’s first, a play party is typically where people bring their toys and let people try them, do show-and-tell, or in some way trade information and ideas.

I happen to know a guy who does amazing shibari and has a suspension rig, so all the play parties since I have met him have involved everyone that wants to getting a chance to get suspended. It’s really awesome.

Typically, I try to make my friends that do cool stuff teach what they know. So, if they’re good with rope, they’ll teach some knots. If they’re good at planing scenes, they’ll talk about that. I had one friend who was just amazing at fire play, and that was always fun to watch. Etc…

I also tend to work with people who will be presenting to create a hand-out, because it seems to me that people are less nervous when they get a piece of paper. I guess it makes it seem more official and less like a bunch of creepy kids doing sexual things in a sweaty room.

Everyone always assumes I am trying to set up on orgy when I first invite them to a party. I am never trying to do that. I have only ever had one orgy, and it wasn’t all that great. I prefer one or two people max- because otherwise I get distracted. But never mind that.

The point is- how does one learn about BDSM? Maybe they read blogs and go to reddit.com and watch videos online. That’s cool. But what happens when that’s not enough any more? What happens when a person wants to actually see and try things? Well, that’s what a play party is for. I’m not going to claim that I know everything. No one should. Everyone you meet has something that they can teach you. I guess the idea behind a play party is to meet with others in the community and see what they can teach you.

I do demonstrations sometimes, but honestly, I prefer to let other people take the lead. If there is one characteristic of the community that makes me nuts, it’s the way everyone kind of seems to think their way is best. I don’t think my way is best. I think my way is how I do things, and I am happy to let other people do things the way they like. As such, I am always more interested to hear what others have to say.

When I do teach, I tend to give tips on scene negotiation since that is what I am best at. Having worked in a dungeon, I’ve had to talk to people in a frank and blunt way about what they want out of a scene, and then make it happen with the least amount of weird possible (since it was generally with someone I didn’t really know.) That mostly involves asking what they feel the most drawn to in kink, and then building a scene around it.

For example, I had a guy come to me once who was nervous as hell (as they mostly are) and he said he always wanted to be walked like a dog. So then I had to expand on that. That means follow up questions like: Will we play fetch? Shall I pet you and tell you that you are a good dog? Perhaps you would rather I beat you and tell you that you are a bad dog?

When you ask people these types of questions about a fetish they have repressed for a long time, they react in all sorts of unpredictable ways. Some of them giggle nervously and blush. Some get angry out of nowhere. Some are quickly offended because they are expecting judgement. You can never be sure what someone will say when talking about sex. It seems it is the hardest topic to talk about.

So when I do a workshop, I generally focus on talking with people about the idea that sex is not sinful or bad, and about how it’s okay to be frank about what you want. If you want someone to spank you, you have to ask.

I guess my most-used line would be: Those words inside your head? I can’t hear those!

With all that said; a play party will be different with every different person who sets it up. I have been to some where everyone was encouraged to be naked and they all flirted. I have been to some where people had sex in a semi-public setting. I have been to some where people played board games with their clothes on and talked about BDSM eventually- but not much.

The best way to be sure of what you are getting into is to ask. Some good questions to ask an organizer might be:

1. Should I bring toys?
2. Should I plan to take any items of clothing off/ or do people tend to get naked at these parties?
3. Is it mostly couples or single people?
4. What kind of activities can I expect?
5. What kind of clothes will people wear (BDSM or vanilla)?

Of course you should remember that in all settings, pictures are a big no-no. I have never met a group that was okay with cameras. We all have lives and jobs. We have families and/or kids. We can’t run the risk of pictures getting out of us in vinyl or leather at some fetish event.

One last thing I want to mention about play parties: I have set up more than I can count or remember. However, I obviously have never been able to take pictures at an event. That makes it hard when I move, because I have to start all over again with a new crowd of people and build up trust. This drives home an important point: There is no shortcut to trust. In the community we are all a little paranoid so be patient with people. None of us wants to be exposed as kinky without our permission.

Bringing People In

October 19, 2012 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Yay bondage!

Lately, I have had a lot of people who are in vanilla relationships tell me that they want to know how they can introduce their partner to BDSM. I feel like it’s probably a lot of girls who just read 50 Shades of Grey and thought it was hot… and I’m going to skip over the larger issues I have with that and just give some generic advice.

First, communications is key. I have already written a post about scene negotiation. Talking about anything you find awkward in terms of sex follows the same process. Find the method of communication that is best for you, and be as open as possible.

I find that with BDSM, porn is only helpful sometimes. It’s good for little things, like: “See how they’re using nipple clams? I want to buy some of them.” It’s not good for entire scenes, because most porn doesn’t have scenes in it. It’s just people in leather and vinyl fucking. There’s not a lot of things that most submissives consider fun, like verbal degradation and structured play where a Dom gives orders and someone follows. The really degrading stuff (like making someone suck on your toes or lick your boots) doesn’t translate well into porn, because it’s the headspace you’re in at the time that matters, and you can’t capture that in a movie.

The absolute best way to communicate is to write out scenes. I know it’s hard to get up the guts to do this, but it’s the best way to introduce your partner to the idea and help them get excited to try it.

For guys, remember that I recommend contracts. If you’re going to hit a girl, you need to get it in writing that she said she wanted it. Maybe even have her fill in a worksheet or two with her various fetishes. Make sure you’re protected in case she goes to the cops later saying you abuse her. I guess I think this is a good idea for everyone, but it’s more important for men because women are not often brought up on abuse charges.

Remember that the most important thing is to be open yourself. You have to be able to talk about what you want openly and honestly. Practice in front of a mirror, or to your friends, or in whatever way helps. Write things down first if you want. Just remember that if you’re not able to talk about it, you can not expect your vanilla partner to be okay talking about it.

I am always surprised at how much resentment can build up in a relationship because of sex. People feel like they can’t talk about it, so they just get more and more frustrated. Every time they have sex with their partner they think about what they want. Maybe they are thinking “I really need him to spank me” or “I don’t understand why she won’t suck on my toes.” If you don’t ask for what you want, then you’re not going to get it. However, it seems like people can be too afraid to ask, and then still resent their partner for not doing the things they want.

The moral of the story is this: Those words inside your head? I can’t hear those! You need to tell me what you want, or I can’t give it to you.

With me in particular, my favorite thing to do is make people’s fantasies happen. I love when people tell me about something they have always wanted and I can make it happen for them. It’s the same with the play parties I throw where people have a great time. I love creating experiences that people can enjoy.

HOWEVER, I can not read minds.

One final thought: A sense of humor is essential. If I fuck you in the ass with my strap-on, there’s a chance that we might have a little accident and there might be some poo that comes out. If I’m wearing 6 inch stilletto heels, I might slip and fall on the tile because it’s wet with lube. This stuff could be really awkward, or it can be hilarious. Make it hilarious! Laugh at the mistakes and moments that aren’t as sexy as you want. Have fun with it. Sex is supposed to be fun- even when there are whips and chains involved. You NEED a sense of humor if you want to have a good time while pushing boundaries and experimenting with new things.

A female friend was watching Sex and the City once when I came over. It was an episode in which one of the girls was worried that her boyfriend would never want to have sex with her again because she farted in front of him. I was so disturbed by this that it still makes me mad to think about it now.

With BDSM you learn that your body does stuff sometimes that you can’t control. You might start laughing uncontrollably due to shock the first time you get flogged. You might get air trapped inside you the first time you try fisting. All kinds of things that you don’t expect can happen. So please, keep calm and have a sense of humor about everything you do. A sense of humor has saved many, many relationships!

Scene Negotiation

September 21, 2012 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Everyone likes different things- in the kink universe and outside of it. Personally, I love vanilla candles. 😉

People have different communications styles and some people just aren’t very good at communicating. Here are some tips for finding out what your partner is into:

–Trade Porn: I like to do this with everyone I date because knowing what they have been watching can give you an idea of what they would be interesting in doing with you. This isn’t always true. Sometimes people have a disconnect between the porn they watch and what they want to do. I find it useful though, as long as you’re both willing to be mature adults and admit that you both watch porn. (Or at least read erotica!)

–E-mail: I personally am a writer, so I find that I order my thoughts better through my fingers than I would through my mouth. I’m not known for being a graceful speaker. Typing out potential scenes gives your partner a chance to think about them before responding as well, so they don’t have to decide right away if they are okay with it.

–In person: When people came to the dungeon they didn’t often know what they wanted, so I had a list of ideas prepared for newbies. If you’re going to negotiate in person, be ready to just start listing things off when your submissive gets tongue-tied and isn’t sure how to express their desires. Start with simple things such as verbal humiliation, being tied up, and flogging. Go from there if they seem calm about it.

–Over the Phone: This is good because the submissive does not have to look you in the eyes. It can be hard to be in the same room with someone while saying something like “I’d like you to spit on me and call me a dirty cunt.” This method allows the physical distance that can make emotional distance easier. Emotional distance is seems to be the most important factor in being comfortable expressing oneself.

-Worksheets: I know it feels silly to be filling out a worksheet about an intimate relationship, but some people are shy and it’s hard to get them talking. Even when they do talk, they are often unsure about what they want. I find worksheets helpful sometimes, if a person is difficult to feel out.

Note About After care: As you all know, this is the most important part of a scene. This can be accomplished by all of the methods above, but this more than anything else is best in person. Tone of voice means a lot, as well as facial expressions. If you can get someone to be expressive in person, you can get the best idea of how they felt about the various parts of the scene. Make sure to talk about each part. Ask questions like “When you were tied up, did you feel like the ropes were too tight?” or “Did you feel okay with how hard I hit you?” You will both have a better experience if you can communicate better. Resentment can build up in any relationship, but it seems to build up in the most dangerous and dramatic ways in a BDSM relationship. Everyone talks about how important after care is because it is.

magicallydelicioussuperslut

I want to do things to you that you'll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Tag Archives: scene negotiation