Navigating Change and Expectations

November 15, 2025 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

My ex-husband was a very kind man when I met him. Sometimes I think it was an act to trap me in marriage. Sometimes I think he changed over time. I’ll never know for-sure because he lies better than anyone I have ever met.

When we were dating, he flirted with me at parties.

This is important because when a man is clearly into a woman, other women notice. My ex-husband and I attracted many people who wanted to be part of our relationship; even if only for a moment. This was possible because he treated me with kindness and respect, and he worked hard to be charming. We had threesomes, got invited to play parties, and generally had a really good time.

When we got married, he began to disrespect me.

It started with ignoring me in favor of flirting with other women online. Then, I threw a kinky mixer at our house in hopes of getting him to behave like he did when we were dating. Instead of flirting with me, he spent the entire night flirting with some girl he just met.

Obviously, the result was that no one had any sex that night.

The girl didn’t mind being flirted with, but she had no interest in a man who would disrespect his wife. The way to turn a woman all the way off is to disrespect other women in front of her. You’re basically saying: “I’m only flirting because you’re new. If you were mine, I’d treat you like I’m treating my wife right now.”

Then he had the nerve to complain that:

• I no longer felt like topping him (because he was disrespectful to me).
• No women wanted to play with us (because he was disrespectful to me).
• We didn’t get invited to parties (because he was disrespectful to me).

I gently tried to explain the situation. I tried talking to him first, but he acted very haughty and refused to admit to having done anything wrong. I tried writing him a letter, but he refused to discuss it. I tried writing a blog post about it, but he wouldn’t read my blog.

I continued to try to communicate, explaining that when he ignored me to flirt with other women online or when he wouldn’t even acknowledge me at a party, it made me feel bad. As a Domme, I do all the work. I set up the scenes, I create the headspace, and I make the magic happen while he sits there tied up or in a submissive position. I explained that I simply could not get into the headspace to do that much work when he refused to treat me with respect.

For a while, I thought it had to do with the Madonna-Whore Complex. Psychologists often say that men cheat because they don’t want to do “dirty” things with their wives (who they wish to see as pure). The theory is that there are some things a man will only do with a stranger.

When I thought that was the case, I tried to get him into role play. I thought that if we were different people, then we could overcome the problem. I suggested we “meet” at a bar, and that he “sneak me into his house” while “his wife was asleep.”

He refused to discuss it, saying that he would never consider doing any kind of role play. He also said we could not talk about it.

I tried writing love letters with lots of sex in them. I tired sending him porn. I tired all kinds of things to communicate. And let it be said that he did “act nice” sometimes. Though -to be honest- the strain in his voice and movements was so obvious that I couldn’t reconcile it with him saying things like “you look nice.” It was clear he was only doing it because I told him to be kind, not because of any genuine feeling.

In spite of this, I convinced people to spent time with him. I outright asked friends to sleep with him. I got him play dates. I continued to try to act the way I did when we were dating, while he continued to find new ways to be horrible.

For a while he would point out other women to say they were attractive, but never anyone that looked like me. Only Asian women. I am mostly Polynesian and Swedish. I can’t change my genes. It’s not as though I could have tried to look more like the women he pointed out. I’ll never be Asian. So, what it amounted to was really just him finding another way to put me down and make me feel bad, and then still expect me to want to top him in bed.

So, what do you do when a partner changes? When they will no longer do the things they did before?

Well, we were polyamorous, so I tried to just date other people and be his friend. I have some long-standing relationships that I enjoy with people around the world, so I put energy into them. I flew to Las Vegas to give a talk on kink and sell my romance novels. I worked on my blog and things that were important to me.

Yet, I never gave up on him. I kept thinking that he was just going through some things and that we’d be able to sort it out when he had a little more emotional maturity. I waited, and we had kinky sex that wasn’t a power exchange. Just little things. I’d choke him. He’d fist me. Whatever. It wasn’t bad sex, and I liked him as a friend and companion. I thought that was enough, I guess. But all along, I missed when he flirted with me and treated me with such care and attention that unicorns flocked to us and we got invited to every party. We had that energy that everyone wants, and I thought we’d get it back if I kept trying.

There were moments when we did. He bought MDMA from someone on his ship, and took it. I don’t do that shit, but I was happy to have him being flirty and sexy again for once, so we played out a fun scene with me as the Domme. It was a great night.

Once a sex friend came to visit and he flirted with me because she was there, and that made me feel sexy enough that I did a scene with both of them. It was her first time trying out the Domme role because we duel-topped him, and she had a blast. I did, too.

Any time he flirted with me and treated me like he had when we were dating, I was able to get into the headspace to be a Domme. But it wasn’t often enough to make me happy, and I tired to communicate this in every way I could think of. I started out kind and patient, but after ten years I started to get snippy and even angry. I couldn’t understand how he still hadn’t grown up yet, and why he was still behaving like a spoiled child who thought he could treat me like dirt and then expect to be spoiled like a good sub.

Some of my friends think his actual personality changed from a series of brain injuries that he had in 2016, 2017, and 2023. Some of my friends think it’s because he was raised by alcoholic failures who were abusive to each other but stayed married, so he simply had a mindset that wives are supposed to be treated like shit (because it’s what his father did to his mother). Some of my friends think straight men simply can’t handle serious relationships or talking about their feelings.

I don’t really know what is true; only how much it hurt.

I do know that if you find yourself in a situation where your partner changes and stops wanting to do the things you need, leave sooner rather than later. I shouldn’t have wasted all those years on him. He was never worth the effort. I spent a fortune on gifts for him. I spent so much time trying to help him to be better as a human, and to teach him kindness and love. I wasted years of my life on a man who -I can see now- never had any value at all. I truly think he only pretended to care about me when we were dating.

For those who feel unsure in their relationships, there were things that I now understand were warning signs:

• I said it made me feel bad when he flirted with other women while I was there, and he kept doing it after I said it hurt me.

• I explained to him that his poor treatment of me was the reason that unicorns no longer wanted to sleep with us, and that it was the reason I no longer felt into being his Domme. He didn’t make any genuine effort to treat me more respectfully in front of people or in private.

• I would tell him exactly what I wanted and even explain why, and he seemed to always do the exact opposite (it felt like out of spite, though at first I made excuses for him in my head, and then later I thought maybe he was just dumb).

• I always dressed up and wore kimono and makeup around the house because those things give me confidence. He whined that it made him uncomfortable and kept asking me to just buy some pajamas like a normal person and stop “trying so hard.” Then when I did as he asked (after two years of protesting it) he told his friends that I laid around in pajamas and stopped even trying to be attractive.

• He did little things to undermine my confidence and make me feel bad, like only saying women of different races were attractive, but never a woman that looked like me.

• When I tried to talk to him about anything at all, he responded with anger.

People can see this list and say: “Well clearly he’s a loser! Why did you stay? That’s on you!” But the truth is, I just kept thinking he would grow into himself and see that I wasn’t his enemy eventually. Like, we started out as a team, you know? And then after he trapped me in marriage, he began to treat me as the enemy.

I thought: At some point he is going to wake up and see that I am on his side. He’ll want to be a team again.

I had hope. That’s really my main problem. Some people suffer from depression, but I have the opposite problem. I have an excessive amount of Serotonin and Dopamine. I am a cheerful person. In fact, my favorite thing to do in public is try to find one thing to compliment about each person I pass. I’m so happy that it often annoys the crap out of people, and I can’t really tone it down.

People think it must be awesome to be naturally cheerful but it’s not. Always seeing the best in people means being screwed over and disappointed a lot. Having high expectations for the world means being let down. Thinking you can love people hard enough that they will eventually be better never actually works (in spite of what my brain tells me). You can’t make people better by seeing the best in them and trying to build them up. My ex-husband never got any better as a person. In fact, the more I asked him to be better, the worse he treated me. (You might say, the more he failed, the more he failed.)

I’m not saying you should give up right away if someone used to do things you loved and now, they won’t.

Try sending each other porn, writing love letters, talking it out, and other communication first.

Many times, communication can fix things.

However, I’ve learned now that the main sign that you need to walk away is actually very simple: If you try to communicate with them and they respond with anger, you need to leave.

Every time I tried to talk to him to solve any issues, he would gaslight me by saying he was not doing the things that he was doing. Then, he would admit that fine, he was doing those things, but it was actually fine and my feelings weren’t valid. Then he would say fine, maybe I had a right to be mad, but my bringing it up hurt him so we were even. (Men being hurt by you saying they hurt you.) And so on.

It was textbook abuse, but I am hopeful and loving and it makes me a fool. Don’t be like me. Get out the first time they get angry at you for raising an issue and asking to discuss it.

An Ode to Role Play

September 18, 2025 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I have a tattoo on my right leg. It is a flesh tear with gruesome, bloody flesh hanging on the sides. Inside the flesh tear is a field of butterflies and sunshine, with a beautiful fairy and colorful flowers. This piece is meant to compliment the black-and-grey leg sleeve on the other side, which is a very Goth collection of skulls and darkness.

This is because I am Goth on the outside, but cheerful and happy on the inside.

Some will cry “You’re a poser,” but it’s actually more about the deep and weird reality of being neurodivergent and having to “mask” to fit into the world and have a job.

The nature of our reality forces us to have personas. For example, who doesn’t know about the customer service voice? Most of us have been forced to work at a call center, wait tables, work retail, or do something else that required us to have a peppy, cheerful voice for customers.

For neurodivergent people, the masking goes deeper. I really am a weird Goth chick with an aesthetic I love. Pale skin, black leather, and lots of strappy things. But I am also a happy person who generally sees the best in people and has a positive outlook on life. I can be both things, and I am. It’s just that I have to hide so much of myself all the time to fit in with neurotypicals, that I end up having imposter syndrome about myself.

This confusion is eased by letting the different part of me out to play in a safe space.

My customer service voice wants to fuck you. I mean, I spent 40 hours a week being her for so many years, but she never got to have sex with anyone because she was all business. Maybe she needs to be let out and allowed to serve you in other ways until you’re a satisfied customer.

And, while Goth is how I like to look, sometimes I also want to act like the Goth girls on TV during sex. I want to be as bananas as Wednesday Addams on the dance floor, but also emotionless and with a blank expression. I mean, why shouldn’t I get to try it out and see how it feels while fucking?

My chipper internal monologue would also like a chance to act out. I want to put a blonde wig over my black hair and dress in something pink. I want to have sex like the preppy girl in my head who is always asking people to go hiking and pointing out the positive moments in our bleak existence.

I’m not saying I know what these personalities will do once I let them out. Maybe my customer service voice likes anal. I have no idea. But I want the chance to explore them in a safe space because they are parts of me, and since sex is such an important part of my life, I want them to explore their sexy sides.

Also, I want my partner to role-play.

Be the guy who thinks the blonde girl is hot, and act however that makes you feel. Be the guy that wants to fuck Wednesday Addams and do whatever that guy wants. Be the person who wants to have sex with the customer service lady, even if that’s some jerk who complains about everything.

I mean, I don’t want to date an asshole who is rude and flirts in obvious ways. But, maybe I want to have sex with that guy.

It’s like upside-down throat fucking. I don’t want someone I love to want to do that to me. But, I want someone I feel safe with to want to do that to me. So, just be someone else for a night so it’s not weird later. If it was just a persona you tried on then it’s not upsetting.

There was a toxic show that reinforced negative stereotypes called “Modern Family.” And -while I did not love how that show portrayed a family or gay people or anything else- I did laugh at the fact that once a year on Valentine’s day, the main characters Phil and Claire would go be different people. They always role-played the same people: Clive and Julia. But, it was so cute and even if the show made it look cheesy, that is a good representation in culture of a major fetish of mine.

Sure, we can be us most of the time. But on my birthday, or for Valentine’s day, or just sometimes; wy can’t we be someone else?

Remembering Who The Fuck I Am

September 18, 2025 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

The last decade I was married to a narcissistic control freak.

At first, it was little things that should have been red flags, but I was too in love to see them.

Example: I said that I wanted to try role-play, and he said no. Not just no, but an outright refusal to discuss why he said no. It was the casual brutality of it that should have alerted me to an problem. He could have said he’d think about it or asked to hear more. He didn’t. He just said no, and became furious when I wanted to discuss it further.

Example: I threw a kink party and he spent the entire night flirting with someone else. He ignored me when I tried to talk to him, and did not check in with me at all. When I tried to discuss it after the fact, he said that I was making him feel bad about himself and I needed to stop trying to shame him for his behavior. No discussion of how to solve the problem in the future, no explanation of why he behaved that way, and no promises to be more mindful.

Example: He would sit for hours on dating apps talking to people while we were supposed to be hanging out. Not while he was in line at the grocery store or on a smoke break at work, but like, while we were watching TV together and were supposed to be snuggling. I said it made me feel bad and that I thought he should find better times to try to meet women. He refused to discuss it and said he had to no other time to meet women so I shouldn’t have an issue with it.

You can see the pattern. He refused to discuss things. He shut down conversations that needed to be had, and he tried to argue me out of my feelings.

The year that we dated he was attentive, thoughtful, and kind. He never said “no” to trying new things in bed, and acted brave even his first time at a sex club.

As soon as we got married, his behavior changed. He began to snoop through my things, try to track my phone, and disrespect me. I thought he was having trouble adjusting because his parents are bad people who are abusive to each other, so I tried to give him space and understanding. I showed compassion and tried to have conversations about his feelings. He just kept shutting them down.

For a few years, I went into “fuck it” mode and just had fun. If he wouldn’t talk then at least we could have sex and drink. I made dinner at night, made cocktails for dessert, and we had a lot of sex. I mean, I wanted to have a healthy relationship where we discussed things, but I also only have so much energy and I thought if I gave him time and set a good example by being a loving and communicative spouse, that he would eventually pick up the hints.

Eventually, I tried again to talk about things. He would always follow the same pattern:

• Try to argue me out of my feelings.
• Yell at me for making him feel bad.
• Bully me once I became overwhelmed and cried.

Eventually he started telling me that he hated me and that I should kill myself, but since he would always apologize the next day, I found myself torn. He was clearly getting worse instead of better. I should leave. But, I loved him and I had become attached to the pets he insisted we get and the garden he pushed me to grow for them. Comfort does count for a lot. I figured when he got out of the military, he would get into therapy and get better. I thought we could get back to the way things were the first year when he said “yes” to everything. I thought we’d be best friends again.

Instead, he became wildly abusive and eventually physically violent. It took having a tooth knocked out for me to finally get the picture and leave.

I am ashamed that I stayed for so long.

Sure, I had my boyfriends and saw a cute girl for a few years. I had my comets that came around every so often for sex. In the poly lifestyle, we always have more people around to lift us up when one partner is dragging us down. But, I should have given up sooner. I regret the years I spent trying to help him when he clearly didn’t want help.

And that’s the point I want to make: People who shut down conversations are bad people. Discussion is essential to any healthy partnership. Communication is key.

I won’t forget again.

Role Play

November 5, 2017 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

role-play-3-638

There is something really sexy about the idea of having sex with someone that you don’t know. The anonymous aspect is just so exciting because it’s irresponsible, dangerous, and stupid.

However, something I learned ages ago with one of my favorite exes is that with a little imagination, you can absolutely have sex with strangers without actually doing it

I used to ask him about the kind of girls that he always wanted to fuck, but would never date. As a geek, he couldn’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who didn’t read and have an avid interest in science. However, that didn’t mean that he wasn’t into the idea of fucking the kind of girl who –How shall I put this?– Um, the kind of girl who watches TV shows about celebrities and follows girls who do makeup tutorials on YouTube.

COhPQjuWEAAc0S7

So I got a blonde wig because stereotypes, and some slutty preppy clothes. I bought some makeup that was in those nude shades real girls wear (rather than my signature purple.) And, I did a glance over some really inane topics of conversation.

Meanwhile, he asked me what kind of guy I wanted to fuck but would never date. That’s actually hard for me because I just go for people who interest me and it doesn’t matter what they are like. I’m one of those annoying people who thinks everyone has redeeming qualities. But, since I got to order up a little variety, I asked for a cowboy. Yes, I insisted on the hat, the boots, and that southern drawl (which I actually think is really sexy under some circumstances because of this court jester from the Renaissance Festival this one time…)

download (2)

Anyway, we agreed to “meet” at a bar. Then we got dressed separately (me at a friend’s house.) When I got there, I pulled up a stool at the bar and ordered a drink. A girl down the bar started a conversation with me, and I had to think my character out more than I thought I would have to all of a sudden. Turns out her name was Candy and she was from a small town in Ohio. She came to Phoenix to go to cosmetology school so she could be a hairdresser.

Just when I was running out of information on Candy, a cowboy sidled up to the bar and ordered a whiskey, straight up. He was perfect. My T-shirt wearing geek had transformed into a guy wearing a clothes that actually let you see his abs! He tipped his hat to me and said “Hey there, little lady. Can I buy you a drink?” Of course I ordered the most absurd drink in the bar, filled with enough sugar to kill a horse. (That is what Candy would do, after all.)

c03163da45f8e9c94b74993435692c37

We had a few drinks, and then “Clive” suggested in a perfectly charming way that we go and get ourselves a room for the night. By the time we got back to the room, we were both tipsy and really getting into our characters. And when we had sex, it was just like fucking someone else.

I tell you this because I have a lot of people write to me and say that the passion has gone out of their relationships. They ask what they can do to bring it back. I have lots of suggestions, and have given quite a few in the past. However, this is one of my favorite ways to have a really good night with the person you love. Ironically, it is by pretending to be with someone else. But hey; if it works, it works; you know?

download

Tips for Keeping a Sexual Relationship Healthy

August 5, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

A recent conversation with a friend prompted this post. I don’t know if it will help him, but perhaps it will be helpful to some of you.

Disclaimer: I am half of a poly couple, which means I cheat and get ideas from sex with other people.

In a monogamous relationship, sometimes things can begin to feel stale in the bedroom. In particular, if you live with someone, it can be hard to switch from “comfortable companion mode” to “sexy mode.”

Hours spent comfortably in another person’s presence can get you used to them being around in a non-sexual way. Not the mention the fact that you see a person you live with at their worst, when they are stuck in the bathroom with diarrhea or lying in the dark with a migraine. It can be harder to see someone as a sexual being after seeing them in sweatpants.

Another problem is the “they’ll be here tomorrow” mentality. When you live with someone, you see them every day (usually). This means that you might put off initiating sex today, because you can always do it tomorrow. (Pun intended.)

Anyway, here are my ideas to help sexualize your relationship:

First, most sex therapists recommend setting aside designated sex time. This is a great idea because it takes the pressure off of the person initiating sex. They know that they don’t have to, because you have prearranged to meet in the bedroom at 9pm on Friday and have sex.

It may not sound very sexy, but it can be. It gives people an excuse to buy candles, lingerie, make a sexy playlist, or whatever they have been thinking about but putting off. It also gives a time and place, so that both parties can mentally prepare. Maybe one of you is showering. Maybe one of you is watching a sexy movie. Whatever. You have a set time, so you can both do thinks you like to get in the mood.

Second, talking is always the best way to deal with sexual tension (or tension about a lack of sex.) If you are nervous, do this in a way that you think you can handle. Love letters, sexy emails, naughty text messages, and other means of indirect communication can be a good start.

Ideally, you want to move to a place where you can talk in person. For that, I recommend laying in bed cuddling in the dark. You don’t want to try to talk about sex at the dining room table, particularly if you aren’t feeling very sexy. But if you can agree to be in the dark, while maintaining physical contact, it will make it easier to talk about the underlying feelings that led to the bedroom issues in the first place.

Often as men age, they have more trouble getting erections. This can lead to them feeling ashamed, and women blaming themselves. But it can also be hard to talk about. So get into bed, turn off the lights, and admit:

“I feel less manly because I have trouble getting an erection.”

“I feel like I am too fat or not sexy enough, and like it is my fault.”

You will find that you’re both hurt by a thing that is actually out of your control (it’s just a physical issue with soft tissue not getting enough blood flow.) From there, you can decide what to do. Perhaps you decide to just both put more effort into foreplay and not focus so much on penetration. Perhaps you decide to see a doctor and get medication. Whatever. Work it out together, and you will both be better for it.

Third, try new stuff. If this means reading blogs like mine to get ideas, okay. If it means watching porn, okay. It doesn’t matter where you get your ideas. At a place called the CSPC is Seattle, they often have workshops on things like Erotic Massage or Impact Play, and classes in new things can be very helpful, so that when you try them you feel confident.

You can try toys. Or, there is always role play. Sexy clothes can be fun, too.

My point is; if you try new things and don’t like them that’s okay. You don’t have to try role play and find out that you want to do it all the time for it to help your relationship. Just the act of trying new things together can be a sharing experience that makes you both feel more connected and in touch with each other.

Fourth, try working out. If you find that you’re not in the mood as often as you used to be, this could very well be a hormone issue. Both men and women produce more testosterone when they work out, and this is a hormone associated with desire to have sex.

Besides, it’s possible that some of the lack of sex you’re having is due to the body issues of one or both parties. That is a completely valid feeling, particularly in a culture that sexualizes twigs passing themselves off as human. It’s common to feel ugly or unattractive, which can lead to not wanting to have sex. So if you burn a few extra calories, maybe it will help?

Related to this is compliments. If you are concerned that your partner is feeling unattractive, or even if you are not, it never hurts to compliment them. Passing observations like “I like your hair today” or “That shirt looks good on you” are awesome. But you can also do more sexy compliments where you come up behind your partner and whisper in their ear. Things like “When you wear that, I want to tear all your clothes off” or “Seeing you standing here looking beautiful makes me so proud to be with you” can be useful tools to help your partner feel sexy.

And remember, when you and your partner both feel sexy, you’ll have better sex more often.

Finally, you can always seek counseling. Most people feel uncomfortable seeking counseling for sex, because it’s such a taboo topic to talk about. However, if you are having trouble maintaining a healthy sexual relationship, then you are going to struggle as a couple. So put your fears aside, and think about seeing someone for help and advice.

No matter what you do, remember that you both have the same goal. You want to have a happy relationship, and a part of that is sex.

I would hope that anyone who reads my blog is smart enough to know the basics: Women don’t cum from penetration, everyone deserves an orgasm in sex, it doesn’t have to be centered around the male orgasm, etc. The shared goal of mutual pleasure is an important component to a relationship, and resentment can build up when you go long periods without having sex. So keep calm, remember you both want the same thing, and then figure out how to get what you want.

Fetish Series: Review

July 1, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

It’s been fun doing a series that explores some fetishes in the kink community. I hope you have enjoyed reading! I know that there are about a million more fetishes that we didn’t talk about, and new ones pop up all the time.

However, I just wanted to touch on some of the most talked about fetishes and explore what a fetish is.

If you have suggestions for future posts about a specific fetish, e-mail them to me and I will consider them.

For now, let’s go back to my regular writing about kink life.

Fetish Series posts:

One: Age play.

(A discussion of different kinds of play related to age as a fetish.)

Two: Swinging & Orgies.

(A discussion of swinging, orgies, and other forms of group play.)

Three: Clothes.

(A discussion of various clothing-related fetishes.)

Four: Impact Play.

(A discussion of whips, paddles, and spankings.)

Five: Bondage.

(A discussion of bondage and various ways to go about it.)

Six: Role Play.

(A discussion of types of role play a couple/group might engage in.)

Seven: Bodily Fluids.

(A discussion of body fluids as a fetish, from blood to scat.)

Eight: Pushing Boundaries.

(A discussion of more extreme things that are fetisized by some.)

Nine: Pictures and video.

(A discussion of pictures and video as a fetish, and why you should be cautios of this.)

Make sure to like and comment on the ones you thought were the most interesting!

Fetish Series: Role Play

June 15, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Role Play is another enormous group of things, and as with everything else in this series, vanilla people do it too.

A vanilla example of role play would be something like this:

A husband and wife are bored of talking about/doing the same old things. They plan to meet at a bar, but both pretend to be different people. Maybe Sally the Housewife turns into Candy the stripper, and Dan the Accountant turns into Bob the Fireman.

They flirt as different people, go home as different people, and have sex as different people. This helps fulfill the desire for variety that can be difficult to satisfy in a monogamous relationship, and it can also just be fun to try on a new persona for the night.

However, some people like very specific things. I once got asked to join a threesome dressed as Black Widow, where the other two participants would be Hawkeye and Captain America (though Captain America was going to be played by a girl with a strap-on.) I was down for the idea, but had already scheduled an event out of town when they visited. I am still disappointed that I missed it.

Still, this is a perfect example of a very fetish-specific form of role play. In this case, the fetish was comic books. However, it could just as easily have been role play of elves, animals, or incestuous family members. There are all kinds of people with all kinds of fetishes.

The most maligned of all role play fetishes that you see in media/culture is furries.

Furries are people who like to dress as animals to meet, date, and have sex. This seems to attract negative attention as a fetish for a few reasons. First, the suits are expensive. A good furry suit can cost more than $1,000. So I think discriminatory people find the cost extreme for what they consider to be a “sex thing” (though like with many fetishes it’s really more of a lifestyle thing.) I also think people find furries an easy target because they think dressing up as an animal has to cross some line in culture where everyone can just agree that it is wrong. They find furries easy to point to and say “but that is weird!”

I would argue that it’s actually a really neat fetish. You don’t have to be self-conscious, because no matter what you look like, you’re hidden in a suit. So if you don’t like your height, weight, nose, or anything else; that’s okay because all anyone sees is a sexy fox or a cute raccoon.

Plus, many furries don’t exchange real names, instead staying in character as their animal. So it’s also anonymous sex, which many people find exciting. You don’t know if the person you are having sex with is young or old, or what they look like. I think glory holes appeal to the same sort of call of the mysterious.

Obviously the most prominent role play in the kink community is the power exchange between a dominant party and a submissive party. This is the underlying role play that we all do in our relationships, and what makes sex more fun for us than when it is just vanilla.

Sure, sometimes we role play the kidnapper and the hostage. Some folks enjoy rape play. Some enjoy race play. And there is an underlying power dynamic that is generally involved in these types of role play.

However, at the end of the day, we all role play master and servant, or dom and sub, or mistress and pet. That is really the very essence of what the kink community is all about.

Fetish Series: Age Play

May 20, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

There’s actually a lot of fetishes covered in the term “Age Play.” So let’s start by breaking them down:

1. Adult Baby Play: This is when someone actually wants to be treated as a baby, including diaper changes and bottle feedings.

2. Daddy/Daughter Play: This is pretty common in the community, but not all “daughters” consider themselves to be “Littles.”

3. Littles: These are people who identify as young children, and have the fetish of being cared for by a loving parent.

4. General Age Play: Any role play where the people are different ages, such as a student and teacher.

Note: Of course there are millions of fetishes, and I can’t talk about every single one. Within the category of “Age Play,” these are some of the bigger subcategories, but this is by no means a comprehensive list.

“Age Play” is an umbrella for a lot of fetishes. To begin, what is Adult Baby Play? A website called The Daily Diaper offers a lot of good insight and stories, as well as a “personals” section for hookups, (if you’re interested.)

To start, let’s understand that to role play being a baby is to get in touch with a very primal part of yourself. These are people who are looking for bottle feedings, spankings, and to be admired and cared for like babies are.

When you think about it, this fetish sounds sort of comforting. Babies do get a lot of love and attention, and we all enjoy those things, right?

Note: Some vanilla psychiatrists see this as a reaction to not being loved enough as a baby. However, I think all of us can realize that there are plenty of people with good lives and happy childhoods who are part of the kink community. The idea that there has to be something wrong with you for you to enjoy kink is really offensive to me.

So, remember not to let vanilla doctors define your ideas of people in the community. Yes, some of us have issues that we are working out. But I know that for me personally, my kink is unrelated to the issues that I am working out as a human in the world. My kink is not a symptom of “being fucked up.” I just want to make that clear.

Daddy/Daughter is often lumped in with Littles, but they are definitely different in the eyes of the people who have those fetishes. As the blog “A Little Understanding” explains, there is plenty of room for distinction.

Those who enjoy Daddy/Daughter play see it as an extension of the Sub/Dom dynamic. The “daughters” identify feelings of submission with feelings of being young or vulnerable. The “daddies” identify feelings of dominance with a sort of male nurturing instinct. And so, this results in the Daddy/Daughter relationship.

For some, there is an element of incest involved. So, there are some “daughters” who play the molested child role and squeal “Daddy, you’re not supposed to touch me there!” The taboo is attractive to these people. However, it should be noted that not all Daddy/Daughter relationships are like this. Many sort of gloss over the incest aspect, rationalizing that they are “adopted” or some other story to disassociate the play with the idea of incest.

Another type of Age Play is the community of people who call themselves “Littles.” These are people who self-identify as children for some or all of the time. The picture above is of a Little in her room. Note the pajamas with feet, the teddy bear, and the pacifier. Littles often ask their mommy or daddy to buy them things, and they often create bedrooms that look like a child lives there. On the website Little Space Online, you can read personal ads and read message boards, if you want more information.

The important thing to remember is that it isn’t about the Sub/Dom dynamic the way that Daddy/Daughter play is. There are all kinds of Littles, but a defining feature is that they spend as much time in the “Little head-space” as they can, and don’t like to spend time in their “Adult head-space” where they are unhappy.

In a similar way to Daddy/Daughter Play, this is not a fetish about incest. Some people may make it about that, but the vast majority of the community glosses over that aspect, because it doesn’t interest them. I would consider incest to be a completely separate fetish that can occur concurrently with Little play, but often does not.

There are a lot of other age-related fetishes besides the main ones above. For example, many people enjoy role-playing a “student/teacher” dynamic. As a former teacher, I have never found this one very amusing, but I get it. Lots of people had a crush on one of their teachers in High School or college.

Most people think the Lolita phenomenon that is popular in Asia is considered a type of age play. However, all the Lolita girls that I have met are not role-playing being children, and simply enjoying dressing like them. There is no accompanying head-space for them.

Sometimes you have an age difference in a relationship that can feel a little like age play at times. A friend was dating someone old enough to be her grandfather, and while she mostly ignored the age difference, sometimes it crept into her perspective. She was the submissive in the relationship, but whenever a situation would remind her of her boyfriend’s age, she felt like the Domme for a second because she felt like she was caring for him and helping him understand a world that had passed him by.

Similarly, I am married to someone much younger than me. My son is actually pretty upset with me over this (but he should get over it because if I was a man no one would care.) I don’t often think of my husband as younger. However, sometimes I realize that he is when he says or does something, and I have a weird moment of feeling more like a mom than a wife. I try and push that feeling away pretty quickly though, because that doesn’t happen to be my kink.

So, there are a lot of things that the term “Age Play” covers, and we all have various levels of interest in various aspects of the fetishes.

Mainly, I would ask that if you meet someone who enjoys any of the fetishes above, please don’t judge. You may not be personally interested in their kink, but you should do your best to be understanding.

Introduction to Fetishes

March 26, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Note: This is the last entry on the lecture series that I was hired to do. I just wanted to share this information with all of you. I will be doing the actual workshops in California in April, but as I was preparing them I wanted to make them available to all of you wonderful people who follow me. Thank you for your support.

Introduction to Kink: Fetishes

When you think of kink, what you are really thinking of are fetishes. So what is a fetish? It is something that a person finds sexually exciting, but which is not considered to be part of the mainstream sources of sexual stimulation. We’re all turned on by different things, and many of us are turned on by things that we may not even understand. That’s okay. This is just a little information about some of the most popular fetishes, and what they are all about.

Anal Sex: Most young people do not even consider this a fetish anymore. Anal sex has become pretty mainstream, though I am sure it would turn our grandparents hair if they knew. I think it is exciting to people because it is considered to be forbidden, and also because for men it stimulates the prostate gland, which is sort of like their G-Spot.

Bondage: Obviously this can be as simple as using whatever is handy to tie a person’s hands together, or as complicated as shibari (Japanese rope bondage.) Some people who love to be bound are fine with a simple restraint like gear ties, and some desperately want to feel the experience of being slowly worked into an elaborate set of knotwork. Either way, the pleasure is from the experience of being bound, and from the restriction of movement that comes with it.

Impact Play: This can be something a simple as a bare-hand spanking, or as complicated as paddles and whips. It is simply the joy you feel when you are hit with something. Impact play is one of the most common fetishes, and I think even most vanilla people like the idea of spanking.

Electrical Play: This is often using something like a Violet Wand of Tens unit. My Pet really loves electricity and electrical play, and many people find the sensations enjoyable. It’s the involuntary stimulation of muscles, the feeling of the electricity in the air, and a whole host of feelings related to the joy of electricity. Please note that it is very important to do this safely with toys made for electrical play. It is not safe or in any way okay to use things not designed for electrical play. I don’t care if you felt sexually aroused when you saw someone hooked up t a car battery in a movie. You cannot do this in real life. You will stop your heart.

Role Play: There are lots of different kinds of role-play. Many people enjoy playing out rape scenes because of the involuntary nature of the concept, which allows them to play with ideas they wouldn’t play with in “real life.” Others enjoy playing scenes involving age discrepancy, such as adult baby play, daddy-daughter play, or teacher-student play. As long as these scenes are negotiated in advance, there is nothing wrong with enjoying whatever fetish turns you on, but please remember that everything needs to be safe, sane, and consensual.

Furries: The media often portrays furries as too strange for words, and it’s unfortunate that these people are denigrated so much in popular culture just because they enjoy dressing up as animals to have sex. It’s about getting in touch with a more primal nature, and realizing that humans are animals, no matter how evolved we think we are. And for people who find their own bodies unattractive, it’s a safe place to hide (inside a suit) and be something other than themselves.

Feminization: Many men enjoy being forced into traditionally feminine roles, such as wearing female clothes or being forced to do housework. I think this is a reflection of how society lets women be “tomboys” while simultaneously forbidding men from showing any hint of femininity. I am sure you’re seeing by now that the main theme is taboo. If something is forbidden, it is bound to be fetishized.

Foot Fetishes: This is perhaps one of the oldest fetishes, and there have been many incarnations of this fetish. Some have argued that foot binding in China was a result of men having a fetish about feet. I personally have a friend who is really into feet, and also socks (particularly those with stripes) and shoes (particularly those with straps.) Foot worship, boot worship, boot blacking, and all related fetishes seem to be related to the idea that feet are an overlooked part of the body. Certainly they have a lot of nerves, so if you find yourself with someone who enjoys feet, you may enjoy it more than you expect.

Hook Suspension: There are groups all over of folks who like to be hung from hooks that are carefully placed under the skin. I saw my first hook suspension when I was seventeen, and I remember being shocked at how much the skin on the subject’s back could stretch. It must have been 12 to 14 inches off of his back, and yet somehow it was still attached. I admire the peace that people seem to find when they engage in hook suspension, and it does look like a very spiritual experience. However, like many folks, I worry too much about skin damage (scars and potential infections) so I prefer to watch.

Note: This is a very short list of just a few fetishes that are common. There are lots of fetishes, and it seems to me that as society accepts more and more things, fetishes get stranger and stranger (to accommodate the need to taboo). I think the key is not to judge “strange” as “bad.” Strange and weird things can be wonderful and enjoyable, and there is no reason to fear something just because you have never done it before.

There are many fetish lists available online, but of course, none of them are comprehensive because there will always be something else that someone else fins sexy. That’s not a bad thing. The difficult part is to find someone who is willing to indulge your fetishes, and to be able to communicate those fetishes effectively to your partner. It’s also important to be able to manage your disappointment, because no matter how much someone loves you, they imply may not be comfortable with you peeing on them. It’s important to respect the fact that just because you like something, doesn’t mean someone has to do it for you.

It’s also important to remember that just because something looked exciting to you in a pornographic move, that doesn’t mean you will enjoy it in real life. You may watch needle play in a video and think the blood is sexy, but in reality perhaps you are worried about germs and infections, and you don’t really want that done to you. It’s okay to find something exciting and still not want to do it. That’s the beauty of fantasy.

Limits

The key to experiencing fetishes is to find where your limits are. You have to really evaluate what you are comfortable with having done to your body. No one can tell you (and no one should try to tell you) what you are okay with. It’s a journey that we all have to take on our own.

It’s also important to note that you may change your mind over time. You can start out with limits in one place, and as you go through life, you might reevaluate where your limits are and push them farther. There is nothing at all wrong with changing your mind about what you are okay with. There is nothing at all wrong with thinking something is disgusting at first, and then coming around to wanting to try it years later. Don’t judge people whose limits are in different places than yours, as your own limits may move over time.

Summary

A fetish is nothing more than a thing that you find sexually arousing. It’s not a frightening thing, or a thing to be judged for. Many fetishes are based in acts that are considered taboo by mainstream people, and this is to be expected. Remember that you are the only person who can decide what you are comfortable with, and that you should never let anyone make you feel bad for the things that you find sexually exciting. We are all on our own journeys, and it’s important to remember that you can’t understand someone else’s journey because you haven’t lived through the things that they have lived through. Tolerance and understanding are key in the kink community, and I hope you will all remember to do your best to be open-minded about new ideas, and to show compassion to those who are different. That, more than anything else, is the spirit of the kink community.

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away…

July 30, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

From the movie “The Craft,” here’s a 90’s Goth girl, just like I was.

I have been kinky for as long as I can remember. I recently got back in touch with a few old play partners, and it got me thinking about the years I spent messing around before I figured out who I was. There was a lot of years of blind experimentation and trial and error. I wish the internet had been around more when I was young! If I could have read the blogs of a Dominatrix or two it would have saved me so much time! Even if I could have just seen some of the porn from kink.com or something…

Anyway, I thought I’d do a timeline of some of the moments in my sexual history that were significant.

1986: I am five years old and I figure out how to masturbate. Best. Discovery. Ever. BUT I don’t know anything about sex yet, so I do it thinking about pain. I don’t know why. Maybe I was always kinky, or maybe I became kinky because of this. No idea. I just remember touching myself before kindergarten and thinking about being hit. (Later I totally had sexy fantasies about being assimilated by The Borg, but I think I’m the only one.)

1993: I have sex with my first girl, and I love it. She is sweet and blonde and she is the classic good girl. I am already smoking pot and wearing black and I am her dirty little secret. We are too young to have sex toys, but we do some pretty kinky stuff with actual toys. (It’s so much harder to figure out how to do it when you start with same-sex experiments at a young age!)

1997: I am 16 years old and dating a 27-year-old we’ll call Mr. Creepy. He had a thing for tying up underage girls and then using all kinds of weird tools on them. I was homeless and he let me stay with him, but he was terrifying and I still don’t want to talk about the shit he did to me. I made peace with him many years later, writing letters to him in prison. It helped me to deal with what happened. But it’s just not stuff I like to talk about.

1999: I am introduced to Madam Tracy’s House of Pain by a friend at college. I signed an agreement, so I don’t really talk about it. But, it was enlightening.

2000: I am 19 and the boy I am with likes it when I keep my nails filed into points, so I can tear the skin from his back in chunks while we fuck. After we are done, I carefully clean each wound with rubbing alcohol while he writhes in pain, and then I bandage them. I think the aftercare was his favorite part. While I was a little put-off when he first asked me to do this to him, it got to seem sexy after awhile to inflict pain like that.

2001: I am 20 years old and dating Mr. Charming. He is a beautiful Goth boy with Romance Novel hair falling in perfect ringlet curls, who tells me I am pretty and tries to wake me up inside. We use his martial arts belts to tie each other up and we play with the idea of pain. He loves to be cut, and hit, and he likes to hold me down when we have sex, while I struggle. I guess this is my first role play partner outside of a dungeon and I like it.

2002: I am 21 and I just don’t give a fuck. I am dating too many people to keep track of, getting my stuff thrown off of balconies, and trying all the things. I am totally known as the girl who will do ass-to-mouth and who slurps cum like a porn star.

From when I learned to masturbate to when I was 21 years old, I was really just experimenting with everything. Those were the years when I had no idea what I was doing and I was just playing around and trying to figure out who I was and what I liked. It was much harder back then, because computers were really expensive and I was really poor, and the internet didn’t have as much easy-to-access information on kink. Even when I COULD get someone to let me use it for a few minutes, I could never find what I was looking for.

I had no online community to ask questions of, and the actual community was hard to find and full of secretive people who acted like the sex they had was SUCH a big deal. I remember one APEX meeting when I was really little where I gave up and walked out because everyone seemed too pretentious to my young self and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. If you weren’t IN the community yet and you wanted to get into it, they made it hard and they acted exclusionary.

I think young people today don’t realize how much harder it was 15 years ago to get into the kink community. We were in the shadows then, and none of us could have dreamed of a novel (even a shitty one like 50 Shades of Grey) being popular in the main stream. Now, with books like S&M 101 and communities like the one on reddit to use as resources, it’s so easy to learn all the things that I had to come by the hard way!

As I approach another birthday in my 30’s, I want to take a moment to think about how grateful I am that the world has changed, and how much I hope it keeps moving in the right direction. Tolerance has never been more common, and I hope it will just continue to improve!

magicallydelicioussuperslut

I want to do things to you that you'll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Tag Archives: role play