Tag Archives: rape

Is it Rape?

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This question has come up recently and I want to talk about it. It seems like some of you didn’t learn from the “me too” movement and that’s a shame. But, this is a serious subject and while I’m loath to serious, here we go:

If a person didn’t consent to what you did to them, then it is rape. If a person is too drunk or stoned to consent, then it is rape.

We need ongoing and enthusiastic consent when we have sex. We need to negotiate beforehand, check in throughout, and do aftercare when it’s over. That’s how we have sex in the kink community, okay?

So let’s take a scenario:

A couple is polyamorous but has rules:

• No sex outside the marriage without using protection.

•  Any sex where a condom could have broken or one of them could have been compromised, and they wait two weeks and get tested before having sex with each other.

•  They agree to be honest about what they do with their sexual partners.

Now the husband goes and has sex with his friend, and he does not use a condom. He comes home to his wife, and asks to have sex with her. He assures her that he was safe when he had sex with his friend, and that there is no chance that he could have caught something. Under this understanding, his wife consents to sex.

About a week later the wife has an itching down there. She trusts her husband and assumes it’s just a yeast infection, but the itching persists and she begins to have delicate flesh in her genital area that tears and bleeds.

She goes to her gynecologist and gets tested, and she tests positive for Chlamydia and HPV-8. The gynecologist is unsure if her flesh tearing is due to her autoimmune diseases being aggravated by the Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), or if she also has HSV-2.

The wife has not had sex with anyone else in years. She has been tested several times during those years when she was only having sex with her husband, and has never tested positive for an STI before.

Later, the friend whom the husband had sex with confesses that she and the husband never used condoms when they had sex.

Now, you tell me: Is this rape?

The wife said yes to sex, didn’t she? She didn’t object during the sex. So how can it be rape?

Well, again:

You have to have informed consent. If you have rules and you break them, then it’s rape. If you say you used a condom and you didn’t, it’s rape. Any time a woman did not consent, or was coerced into consent with lies, it’s rape.

I know this bothers many people.

When I was growing up, men got me drunk and pushed themselves on me. I froze, because I’m Autistic and I didn’t know how to object. Back then, we didn’t call that rape. Men just thought that if you said yes to a drink, then that meant they could have sex with you while you were lying in a pool of vomit rigid and clearly not having fun.

However, we know better now.

We’ve grown as a society. We discussed it. We thought it over, and it turns out that any kind of sex without consent is rape.

A popular show named “Bridgerton” by the delightful Shonda Rhimes features a woman raping a man in the first season. He is trying not to have a child with his wife by using the pullout method. This method is not very effective, but it was the conditions under which he consented to sex. He did not consent to cum inside his wife.

His wife -who wants a child- holds him tightly when he cums so that he cannot pull out.

This is also rape.

They had terms under which they had sex, and she broke them. And folks, that’s also rape. I know back in the 70’s and 80’s men said stuff like: “Men can’t be raped. Sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad it’s still good.”

That’s the patriarchy speaking, and we don’t listen to that bullshit around here.

If your partner or partners did not consent to sex, it’s rape. If their consent was not enthusiastic and ongoing, then it’s rape. If they were too drunk or stones to consent, then it’s rape.

The End.

Don’t Make Assumptions; Ask For What You Want

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This post is going to start with a tale of two rape fantasies (called “Consent Non-Consent” or “CNC” scenes). Trigger warning for anyone who might not want to proceed, because this content will get a little upsetting.

Snake Boy:

I dated a guy whose name I won’t use, but we’ll call him “Snake Boy” because he had a ball python (a normal pet in some places, but an odd choice where we were in South Korea).

Snake Boy asked me if we could do a rape scene. No one had ever asked me before, but I don’t shy away from trying new things so I said that I’d be happy to try if it. He didn’t give me any porn to watch to explain what he wanted, nor did he give me examples of the things he thought this would entail. He asked for a rape scene, and I agreed.

I asked Snake Boy to go outside and come back in sneakily, and I would pretend to be asleep. This way I could secretly enjoy one of my kinks (being fucked awake) while he enjoyed one of his.

When he snuck up to my bedroom, grabbed me, and penetrated me, I did exactly what some women reading this will recognize and understand: I held very still and cried quietly.

Some of the men reading this need more explanation, I know.

Basically, it goes like this: One in four women admit to being raped. The other three are probably just too ashamed to admit it. There are a lot of men out there who rape women. Don’t get upset. It’s just a fact. It’s not one guy doing it all. It’s a lot of them. And -while I’m not saying you are one of these men- if your ‘go to’ move is to get offended, then maybe you should look at that.

Women have learned through hard life experience that if you are raped, the best thing to do is to stay quiet and not fight. Women who fight get beaten and killed. I was actually beaten nearly to death and dumped in a dry riverbed to die when I was sixteen years old, and it was because I fought back.

Therefore, if you want to live, you stay very quiet and try not to move until it’s over. Maybe you even say something about how you enjoyed it so that you have a better chance of getting away. Men are much more likely to kill you if they think you will press charges. But if you say: “I’ve always wanted to do this” or something else that makes them feel safe, you’ll get away.

This is complicated by the fact that most men who rape you are ‘nice guys’ who you know, and that means you’ll see them again. The worst is when they assume that because they raped you, that means you are now their girlfriend. If you’re Autistic like me, this may lead to some very complicated situations in which you try to get the guy to go away because you know they are a dangerous rapist, but they keep following you around calling you their girlfriend.

One guy -we’ll call him ‘Roach’ because he reminded me of a cockroach- dragged me from the bathroom where I had been throwing up to his bedroom and raped me even though I said ‘no’ and tried to push him away while nearly passed out on the floor with puke on my clothes and face. The next day he started calling me his girlfriend and bought me a card where he hand-wrote a note about how special I was. And they say women play mind games.

Anyway, Snake Boy was very upset after the scene and told me: “That wasn’t a rape scene. You didn’t even struggle. Why would you think that is what I meant by rape?”

The audacity of these motherfuckers, you know? What a jerk.

But let’s move on to the second rape scene with The Vampire. No, he wasn’t Goth. It’s just that Twilight came out the same year I met him and his name was Edward, so I teased him mercilessly about his name and asked him why he didn’t sparkle in the sunlight. He’s dead now so I could use his real name, but I’m going to stick with The Vampire because it makes me laugh.

The Vampire asked for a rape scene, and then gave me a jump drive with a bunch of porn on it. He also rented a hotel room for the scene, and dressed up in black clothes and a black ski mask. See, he told me exactly what he wanted, gave a convincing back story about being a hotel employee who saw me check in and wanted me, and dressed the part. It was very sexy.

This time, I threw myself into the role as it was explained to me. I acted just like the girls in the movies he’d given me, with a lot of theatrical struggling and yelling.

It was exactly what The Vampire wanted, but he should have given the hotel staff a heads up or rented a bigger suite, I guess. That scene was interrupted by the cops. Huge props to someone for thinking a woman was being attacked, actually calling the cops about it. Huge props to the cops for actually responding to such a call, in spite of the statistics (they rarely respond and almost never press charges for actual rapes).

My point is: You cannot assume that someone knows what you want.

Snake Boy made a few assumptions that he should not have made, including assuming that I had never been raped before in real life, and assuming that I watched porn (which at the time I still did not). We can fake the reality to impersonate porn, but reality -left to its own devices- is almost never like porn. There are silly moments, tender moments, and all sorts of other things that porn leaves out. And obviously, some things are portrayed in a fantasy way because the real thing is not very sexy at all.

There is one thing that makes me happy about these two scenes when I look back. I’m glad that Snake Boy was disappointed by me acting the way most women actually act when they are raped. That means most rapists probably don’t enjoy it very much, and I’m glad if that’s true.


Fanstasies are Just That

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rape-help-stop-rape-34818631-900-675

I have heard a lot of questions about rape victims and certain types of play. Some people in the BDSM community seem to want a uniform answer to what is okay, and what is not okay. And that isn’t possible.

The answer is always that what you are comfortable with is what is okay. No more, and no less.

I’m not just saying this as someone with experience in the community. I’m saying this as a rape victim. For me; I was able to divorce the feelings I had to my traumatic experience from feelings to do with play. But not everyone can.

Either way, you are not wrong.

If you want to play a rape fantasy and you have been raped, then it might be your way of dealing with it. Or it might have nothing to do with it and be completely separate in your head. If you have been raped and you do NOT want to play rape fantasies, that is okay too. It might be that it reminds you too much of what happened to you. It might just be an upsetting concept to you regardless of what has happened to you. All those feelings are valid.

Women who have not been raped and want to play this kind of fantasy often feel guilty, like it means they actually want to be raped. Obviously it does not. Consenting to a fantasy is very different than a non-consensual attack.

How ever you feel about certain fantasies you have or certain kinds of play, it’s alright.

This is similar to how men sometimes think that if they want to be pegged, it means they are gay. Wanting to be get fucked in the ass makes sense for men, because the prostate is a huge pleasure center and that is where it is located. It doesn’t make you gay any more than wanting to play a rape fantasy means a woman wants to get raped. When we have fantasies about certain types of play, it doesn’t have to have a deeper meaning.

(*And if it does have a deeper meaning, that is okay too. Some people use play to work through issues they have, and that is fine as long as your partner can be understanding and supportive.)

Also, let me explain something important because /r/theredpill and other “men’s rights” groups that advocate force exist : Rape is a horrible crime. It takes away a woman’s power, her self-respect, and her sense of control over her own body. To be helpless and violated against your will is the worst thing you can do to a person. There his nothing okay about it. So remember that we are talking about FANTASIES and not anything real.

It is never okay to drug a woman, pressure her to get drunk, or do anything else so that you can take advantage of her once she is unconscious. It is never okay to force a woman into anything. No means no.

In some states there are laws being talked about to say that instead of “no means no” we should be talking about “yes means yes.” I agree with that. If you ask someone if they want to have sex and they don’t answer with yes, then you should not have sex with them. Woman sometimes freeze up when they have been taught to be passive and not to argue (many religions teach this behavior to women.) They might be terrified to say no, but would never say yes because they don’t want to. Respect that.

In fact, I make people I sleep with sign consent forms. These forms contain information about what methods we agreed on to prevent pregnancy and STDs, as well as what we agree to do. I think if more people used consent forms, the world would be a better place.

Restrictions-apply

Remember that with fantasies, if you are comfortable, then it is okay. And guys who struggle with this; trust your lovers. If they say it is okay, then it is okay. Trust your partner to know their limits.

Sometimes you think you’re okay with something and then it turns out that you are not. That is okay too. It’s okay to test yourself, and it’s okay to find out you can’t handle things that you thought you could. Everyone is different, and everyone has different experiences. There are no rules here. There are no easy answers.

I also want to point out that trauma can present itself in funny ways. For me, the thing I draw the line at is opening my eyes during sex. I just can’t do it. It’s not like I haven’t tried to give it a shot with people I loved. But it’s too upsetting and I can’t handle it because my rapist made me look him in the eyes. For me there is a connection there that I can’t shake.

The people I have played with have often found this odd. One person was kind of mean about it; saying it meant that I didn’t trust him. That was very rude of him, and he shouldn’t have been so disrespectful of a hard limit that I can’t change for anyone.

There is no kind of play that is inherently wrong. As an exmaple, rape fantasies are common and it isn’t sinister to have one.

If you have discussed it, and you’re both okay with it, then try whatever feels right to you. It’s okay if some things are comfortable for you and some are not. The mind is a complicated place, and no one but you can judge your fantasies or your desires. Let yourself experience the things you want, and let those experiences help you on your way to understanding yourself.

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While we’re sort of on the subject, I just want to make one other point. There are a lot of people who make jokes about rape. And I just want you to know that IT’S NOT FUNNY. It’s not okay to joke about it. It’s not okay to make light of anyone else’s trauma.

Do not tell a woman that she should “get over it” Do not try to set a time limit on mental damage, and say “well it’s been more than a decade, so how could it still bother you?”

Time does not heal all wounds. Things I don’t talk about or think about much still effect my behavior today, and that is okay. We can only see the world through the filter of our perspective, and we are all shaped by the things that happen to us. If bad things happen to  you, it does not make you weak if you can’t forget them or change the effects they had on you. We are all shaped by our experiences. And that is okay.

This is NOT funny

This is NOT funny

My rape fantasy

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So far it’s awful having Mr. Knight here. I shouldn’t say that- because it’s always good to have a guy pal to play video games and drink beer and watch TV with. We’re actually having a blast in the sense that it’s all the things I like about having guy friends, but without the hassle of finding an excuse to hang out. That is always the annoying part when one has guy friends, you know? It’s nice to have those lazy Sundays drinking beer and watching TV, but it’s like you have to make a good excuse to have that because no one really feels like they’re allowed to go out of their way to make “guy time” without looking like a jerk or a pussy or some shit. There’s just a stigma there somehow…

Oh, and I guess I should explain that even though I am a girl, I identify as a boy. I always have. I just happen to live in a girl’s body, and it’s complicated. My sexuality is actually a long and boring mess. I could go into it in detail, but I won’t just now. Anyway, I like my guy time and Mr. Knight and I have fun. He’s a good geek pal to hang out with and I’m not going to fault him for needing to crash on my couch.

The real problem is the way Mr. Knight smells. As much of a guy’s guy as I am visually and emotionally and in most every way, my sense of smell is female and I am so turned on by the way Mr. Knight smells. It’s making me crazy.

His clothes are laying around and they smell like him. The bedding he uses is folded in the living room and it smells like him too. And when he hasn’t showered and he crawls up to the loft to talk… the urge to rape him is nearly impossible to control. He’d struggle because he’s still in love with his ex and he doesn’t want to get tangled up in my shit. But even when guys struggle and don’t want it, they still get hard because that’s just a reaction. Hell, the struggling would make it more hot. I’m strong and I could take him. I could tie him to the railing of the loft and suck him until he was hard, and then fuck him while he tried to get away…

Do you see the problem? This is what I have been having waking fantasies about. Who imagines raping their friend? I never thought of it before… but then I’d never noticed his smell before. It’s not like we’ve ever hugged or touched. We may have fist bumped once or twice to say hello or goodbye, but we usually maintain personal bubbles. Had he not moved in, I would never have known that this young, innocent little boy smelled so fucking amazing.

So now I can’t have Mr. Uptight or Mr. Nice Guy over because my one-bedroom split level apartment doesn’t have enough privacy. I also can’t have sex with Mr. Knight because it would be wrong (since he’s in love with someone else). It is now time to work out other options… I usually bring people to me because this is where my toys are. Now it would seem that travel is required.

Next weekend my plans are to go stay with Mr. Nice Guy on Friday night (he lives in an apartment) and then go see Mr. Uptight during the day (he lives on base and I can’t stay the night but I can visit…) We’ll see how play away from home works out for me…