Tag Archives: polyamory

Happy New Year! It’s 2026 — Let’s Talk Kinky Resolutions

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Happy New Year! It’s 2026, and with a fresh calendar comes a fresh opportunity to reflect, reset, and grow. New Year’s resolutions don’t have to be about productivity or perfection — they can also be about how we show up in our relationships, how we treat others, and how we understand ourselves.

If you’re someone who’s curious, imaginative, or interested in kink and alternative relationship dynamics, here are a few kink-positive New Year’s resolutions worth considering.

1. Resolve to Be More Open and Communicative

Being open-minded doesn’t mean saying yes to everything. It means listening without judgment.

People experience desire, curiosity, and connection in wildly different ways. When we approach those differences with curiosity instead of disgust or fear, we create safer spaces for honesty. Open-mindedness allows conversations to happen before misunderstandings turn into shame or silence.

You don’t have to like everything you hear — but giving ideas room to be expressed matters.

2. Make Consent Non-Negotiable

Consent isn’t just a checkbox. It’s an ongoing conversation.

Resolving to always seek clear, enthusiastic consent means respecting that people can change their minds, feel unsure, or say no without needing to justify themselves. Consent builds trust, and trust is what makes any relationship — kinky or not — feel safe and mutual.

A good rule for 2026: if it’s not a clear yes, it’s a no — and that’s okay.

3. Try New Things (Thoughtfully)

Growth doesn’t happen in our comfort zones.

Trying something new doesn’t mean pushing past your limits; it means being willing to explore curiosity safely and intentionally. Sometimes you discover something you love. Sometimes you learn something isn’t for you. Both outcomes are valuable.

You can’t know what resonates with you until imagination meets reality — and learning what you don’t like is just as important as learning what you do.

4. Respect Your Boundaries — Without Apology

Your boundaries are not obstacles. They’re information.

One of the most important resolutions you can make is to stop forcing yourself to be comfortable with things that genuinely aren’t right for you. Saying “this isn’t for me” doesn’t make you boring, close-minded, or difficult. It makes you honest.

Respecting your own boundaries teaches others how to respect others, too.

5. Let Go of Resentment

People are allowed to want different things.

In kink, as in life, frustration often comes from unmet expectations. Let 2026 be the year you stop resenting others for liking what you don’t — or for not liking what you do. Difference doesn’t mean rejection; it just means diversity.

The goal isn’t sameness. The goal is understanding.

Here’s to 2026

May this year bring better communication, stronger consent, kinder curiosity, and deeper self-knowledge. May you learn what excites you, what grounds you, and what you can happily leave behind.

Happy New Year — and here’s to growing, exploring, and respecting ourselves and each other.

My Kink Is Not Your Kink — And That’s Okay

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Human desire is astonishingly diverse. What excites one person may do absolutely nothing for another, and that difference is not a flaw—it’s simply part of being human. We rarely agree on what is “sexy,” and that disagreement is not only inevitable, but healthy.

There are entire worlds of attraction that I personally don’t understand. Some people find excitement through words on a screen, through imagination alone, crafting entire experiences out of text and suggestion. While it doesn’t resonate with me, it clearly resonates deeply with others.

There are also interests that make me uncomfortable, not because they are unfamiliar, but because they collide with my personal boundaries or values. It’s important to say this plainly: desire is only acceptable when it is consensual, ethical, and confined to adults. Outside of that, it stops being a preference and becomes harm. However –between two adults– many people engage in adult baby play, daddy/daughter play, or Little play. While these aren’t things I’m personally comfortable with, I don’t judge what they enjoy.

And, I recognize that I enjoy things others have no interest in whatsoever. I’m drawn to intensity, to structured fantasies, to the idea of imagination becoming real through shared trust and play. I love the creativity of roleplay—the way it allows people to step outside themselves and explore safely.




The truth is simple: you don’t have to like what I like, and I don’t have to like what you like.

Of course, our reactions aren’t always fixed. Sometimes something that initially feels strange—or even off-putting—changes once it’s understood or experienced in a safe, respectful way. I’ve seen how trying something new can surprise a person, especially when it offers relief from anxiety or allows them to inhabit a role that feels easier than simply being themselves.

There are limits. Some ideas simply never become comfortable, no matter how much time passes. Recognizing that boundary is just as important as exploring new ones. When that happens, it may mean accepting that no single relationship can fulfill every desire—and that’s not a failure.

For me, this realization made room for a broader understanding of relationships. Different people can meet different needs, whether emotional, intellectual, or physical, as long as honesty and consent guide those connections. Not everyone is equipped for that kind of emotional openness, and that’s okay too. For those who can handle it, I think polyamory is a good way to deal with people you love not necessarily sharing all of your kinks.

I always tell people to take some time with each idea. Never refuse anything outright. Let it marinade in your imagination for a while, and then tell your partner what you think. Sometimes you cozy up to an idea when you let it hang out in your head. Other times, you don’t. But you should never say no before giving the idea time to percolate. When people do this, it reminds me of a child being offered a new food and saying: “No, I hate it!” (Before even trying it.) Don’t be a child saying no to watermelon.

Most of the time, it won’t hurt you to try something new.

Trying something doesn’t mean it will define you forever. Sometimes a desire dissolves once it’s explored. Other times, it deepens. There’s no way to know which until experience replaces imagination. Wanting something intensely doesn’t guarantee it will last, and discovering you don’t enjoy something can be just as valuable as discovering that you do.

What matters most is refusing resentment—toward yourself or others. People are allowed to like what they like, and they’re allowed not to like what they don’t. Difference doesn’t make us incompatible by default; it makes the world more interesting.

If we were all the same, desire would be dull, relationships would be simple in the worst way, and curiosity would disappear. Variety is not the problem. The lack of understanding is.

Is it Rape?

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This question has come up recently and I want to talk about it. It seems like some of you didn’t learn from the “me too” movement and that’s a shame. But, this is a serious subject and while I’m loath to serious, here we go:

If a person didn’t consent to what you did to them, then it is rape. If a person is too drunk or stoned to consent, then it is rape.

We need ongoing and enthusiastic consent when we have sex. We need to negotiate beforehand, check in throughout, and do aftercare when it’s over. That’s how we have sex in the kink community, okay?

So let’s take a scenario:

A couple is polyamorous but has rules:

• No sex outside the marriage without using protection.

•  Any sex where a condom could have broken or one of them could have been compromised, and they wait two weeks and get tested before having sex with each other.

•  They agree to be honest about what they do with their sexual partners.

Now the husband goes and has sex with his friend, and he does not use a condom. He comes home to his wife, and asks to have sex with her. He assures her that he was safe when he had sex with his friend, and that there is no chance that he could have caught something. Under this understanding, his wife consents to sex.

About a week later the wife has an itching down there. She trusts her husband and assumes it’s just a yeast infection, but the itching persists and she begins to have delicate flesh in her genital area that tears and bleeds.

She goes to her gynecologist and gets tested, and she tests positive for Chlamydia and HPV-8. The gynecologist is unsure if her flesh tearing is due to her autoimmune diseases being aggravated by the Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), or if she also has HSV-2.

The wife has not had sex with anyone else in years. She has been tested several times during those years when she was only having sex with her husband, and has never tested positive for an STI before.

Later, the friend whom the husband had sex with confesses that she and the husband never used condoms when they had sex.

Now, you tell me: Is this rape?

The wife said yes to sex, didn’t she? She didn’t object during the sex. So how can it be rape?

Well, again:

You have to have informed consent. If you have rules and you break them, then it’s rape. If you say you used a condom and you didn’t, it’s rape. Any time a woman did not consent, or was coerced into consent with lies, it’s rape.

I know this bothers many people.

When I was growing up, men got me drunk and pushed themselves on me. I froze, because I’m Autistic and I didn’t know how to object. Back then, we didn’t call that rape. Men just thought that if you said yes to a drink, then that meant they could have sex with you while you were lying in a pool of vomit rigid and clearly not having fun.

However, we know better now.

We’ve grown as a society. We discussed it. We thought it over, and it turns out that any kind of sex without consent is rape.

A popular show named “Bridgerton” by the delightful Shonda Rhimes features a woman raping a man in the first season. He is trying not to have a child with his wife by using the pullout method. This method is not very effective, but it was the conditions under which he consented to sex. He did not consent to cum inside his wife.

His wife -who wants a child- holds him tightly when he cums so that he cannot pull out.

This is also rape.

They had terms under which they had sex, and she broke them. And folks, that’s also rape. I know back in the 70’s and 80’s men said stuff like: “Men can’t be raped. Sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad it’s still good.”

That’s the patriarchy speaking, and we don’t listen to that bullshit around here.

If your partner or partners did not consent to sex, it’s rape. If their consent was not enthusiastic and ongoing, then it’s rape. If they were too drunk or stones to consent, then it’s rape.

The End.

Don’t Hunt the Unicorns

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I want to take a moment to talk about some of the most magical people in the polyamorous community. They are called Unicorns.

Unicorns are people (most often women) who enjoy dating couples.

An unfortunate thing I often see in the Polyamorous culture is unhappy couples trying to hunt for a unicorn because they think it will fix their marriage.

Remember: No one wants to date an unhappy couple. Unicorns are attracted to love and joy, and if your marriage isn’t loving and joyful, they won’t want to be part of it.

Even if you have a happy marriage, it’s important to remember that the unicorn may not want to do every single thing together with both of you. Many couples fall into the trap of expecting a unicorn to like each of them equally and only want to do things with both of them together. That’s weird. It’s not natural or normal to expect someone to feel exactly the same about both of you and to always want to be with you together.

Let’s step back for a moment and examine what polyamory actually is.

Polyamory is about a lot of things, but the biggest thing you need to practice is being self-aware and managing jealousy well. You will feel jealous when your partner is with someone else, and moreso if they are with someone else without you. That said, you feeling jealous doesn’t automatically mean you should get everything you want. It also doesn’t mean that what your partner is doing is wrong.



When I was married, my husband would get extremely nosey about anyone I was talking to and everything I said. When I tried to go places with anyone other than him, he would invite himself along. In my experience, men are worse at managing jealousy because they’ve been taught that the only feeling they are allowed to have is anger. Anger is probably the least productive emotion and it only causes conflict, so men who want to practice polyamory need to spend a lot of time working on themselves and learning a few important lessons:

• If anger is your default emotion, then you need to fix that. Anger only causes conflict, and it is the least productive of all the emotions.

• Women are people. They each have their own wants and desires. You can’t make assumptions about what they feel or want based on stereotypes that you learned in elementary school or from other ignorant men. Just let her talk and listen to what she says. It’s not that hard.

• You need to learn to recognize when you are feeling jealous. Then, examine why you feel that way. Are those feelings fair? You want to date other people, so your partner should be able to do the same things as you. Sometimes that means spending time with someone with you. Sometimes that means spending time with someone without you. Either way, it is your responsibility to manage your jealousy, not your partner’s responsibility.

Compresion is the term we use to mean that you are happy that someone else is happy. This is the feeling you want to try to cultivate. If someone wants to spend time with your partner without you, it’s important to focus on being glad that your partner is desired, and happy for them that they are having fun. If you can’t do that, then you are not polyamorous. You shouldn’t be dating unicorns or anyone else.

Here’s something you can think about:

A unicorn is coming into a relationship where he or she doesn’t know any of your inside jokes, and where they don’t have any history with either of you. This can feel lonely. Instead of focusing on yourself or your partner, try to spend time focusing on how the unicorn feels, and try to help them feel comfortable.

Unicorns are special people, and they deserve respect and kindness. So, don’t hunt a unicorn because you’re unhappy and you think it will fix your marriage. It won’t. Adding another person to an unhappy situation will just multiple the unhappiness. Instead, fix your issues on your own, become happy and loving, and then watch the unicorns come to you.




My Favorite Fetish: Making Dreams Real

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I’ve always loved to imagine.

I grew up reading Lord of the Rings, the Drizzt Do’Urden series, and lots of other fantasy. Even before that, my parents met at Berkley at a first addition Dungeons and Dragons (D&D) quest. Imagination is in my blood.

As for sex, I remember figuring out how to masturbate when I was five. Sex and orgasms are an important part of my life and who I am.

It makes sense that I’d want to combine my two favorite things:

Fantasy + Sex = Magically Delicious.

They don’t even have to be my fantasies. I like to take other people’s fantasies and make them real, too. For people I love, making their dreams into truth is one of my very favorite things on Earth.


I learned a few years ago that not everyone sees things inside their heads. Some people can’t re-live experiences in perfect clarity or picture new scenarios and then live them in their minds. There’s a graphic that went around the internet with apples that explains it. That’s actually how I found out that my adopted mom has aphantasia.


As for me, I see things in my head better than I see them in real life. Maybe this is why it’s so easy for me to imagine turning fantasies into reality. I feel like all our fetishes have some explanation behind them, be it childhood issues, subconscious needs, or just the shape of our own minds. I think the shape of my mind -being so visual- leads to me trying to imagine things and then bring those fantasies to life.

Whatever the reason, my favorite memories are of taking a fantasy and turning it into a real-life experience. My ex-husband didn’t appreciate this at all and kept his fantasies secret from me after we got married (forcing me to try to guess what they were). But for those who have been open and told me what they wanted, I have made their dreams come true.

The internet has made this much easier. Now, you can just write about a fantasy that you have, and people will volunteer to get involved (if you’re a good writer). In the past, you really had to search for the right people to play out certain scripts. I am so grateful for the internet.

And hey, thank you to all you kinky folks for being out there in the world. I feel less alone knowing you’re there.

How to Talk About Sex

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When I plan a scene with a person or people whom I do not know well, I use kink negotiation forms. They have boxes to check for things you agree to and do not agree to, blanks to write in ideas, and more. Find an example here. This is good because miscommunication often leads to bad sex, and no one wants to have bad sex.

However, once you get into a long-term relationship, you will probably move away from forms and try to talk to each other about sex without ink and paper being involved.

First, let me start with what my ex-husband did because it’s good to start with what NOT to do.

I would try to bring up a new thing I wanted to try.

Me: “I was thinking that I’d really like to do a role-play scene for my birthday this year.”

Him: “No. I don’t do role play.”

Me: “Well, we can talk about who the characters would be. I’m not saying it has to be anything specific. I just thought we could try being different people.”

Him: “I’m not talking about this. I said no. Respect my boundary.”

End of conversation.

Many of you will point out how he is misusing the language of consent by setting a boundary that subjects cannot be discussed, rather than setting a healthy boundary on something after discussing it. That’s true. But, we won’t spend too much time going into all the issues with his side of the dialog. That’s not the point.

The point is: How could this have gone better?

As I tried to explain to him, it’s not okay to dismiss something out-of-hand before letting your partner explain themselves. There are a lot of reasons for this:

• If you do not let your partner explain what they are asking for in detail first, then they will walk away feeling unheard and disrespected.

• If you create resentment in your partner due to refusing them without hearing them out, they may express that resentment by saying “no” to you in the future, so keep in mind that relationships are about TWO people, not just one.

• If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might find that you are into it after all.

To go back to the ex-husband example:

 Once I asked him if we could try upside-down throat fucking. He immediately said no and refused to discuss it further. I went on a rant about feeling disrespected and unheard, and about how hurtful it was to always be refused when I asked for things. This made him silent, because when he was mad, he would refuse to talk at all and instead would just glare at me. Usually I gave up, but this time I kept talking. I said:

“Look, you probably said no before even thinking it through because from your point of view it seems like something to degrading to do to your wife. All I’m asking is that you consider it from my point of view. I don’t hang out in my own head when I’m having sex because I’m a non-op transsexual. I jump into your head. I have my eyes closed, and I am seeing the scene from your point of view. So, I’m asking you to do something that I want to do to a woman with the dick that I was supposed to have. I think it’s hot because it’s something a woman can’t possibly enjoy. There are no nerves there to give pleasure. There isn’t any clit to stimulate. It’s hot because it’s only for your pleasure and the woman is just being used like an object; a human fleshlight. All I’m saying is, I was born in a female body, but unfortunately, I was also born with the mind of a pretty gross guy. I’m not proud of it, but it’s something that I want. And I just thought you might be able to enjoy the fantasy with me.”

At the time, he sat there in stony silence, quietly hating me for pushing him to discuss things and care what I wanted. However, later I found that he’d been watching a bunch of porn about upside-down throat fucking. It became a fetish of his because I described it in a way that made it sound hot. Now, he continued to pretend that it was gross and refuse to do it with me, but that’s just because my ex-husband is basically the biggest douchebag on Earth.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it’s an example of bullet point three: If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might end up finding it hot after all.

I married my ex because he never said “no” to anything, and he was always up for new adventures. Once he had me trapped in marriage, he began to refuse any new things or anything fun. I have no idea why. I hope he works through that with his therapist or something. But, little-by-little, he became a completely different person after the wedding, and it was not the person I married.

Saying ‘no’ is pretty cruel when someone works up the nerve to ask for a secret sexy desire. And -while I apologize for lacing this post with my own post-marriage trauma- it’s relevant because what he did really hurt me. Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut. I have made a living for much of my life from writing kink erotica, hitting people for money, and throwing fetish proms. Sex is a huge part of who I am. And yet, even I feel shy when asking a new person for a new thing. It’s putting yourself out there and taking a risk, and being slapped down hurts all the way to the depths of your soul.

So don’t say ‘no.’ Say things like this instead:

• I’m curious to know what about that appeals to you. Would you be willing to tell me about it?

• I’d like to know more about how you visualize that working with us. Can you describe your vision?

• Can you tell me why I might enjoy this fetish?

 Even if you end up not being into the idea, you don’t have to say ‘no.’ My husband liked to say things like: ‘Absolutely not,’ or ‘There is no universe where I would be okay with that.’ Outright refusal is for assholes. Instead, try things like:

• I appreciate you sharing this with me. I’m not feeling it tonight, but let me think about it and do more research.

• I can see that this is important to you. Can you send me some links to some videos of it so I can try to get interested, too?

• I’m not sure if that would be safe for me. I would like to talk with my doctor about it and see what she says, and then I’ll get back to you.

• I won’t say ‘no’ because I know it took courage to ask; but is it okay if I say ‘not right now’ and give it some more thought on my own?

I once saw a meme where a guy is sitting at a computer and he clicks on a link to a porn video. He says: “That is sick! Who the fuck would be into that?” Then it has two frames of him just starring at the screen. In the final panel he says” “Oh shit, I guess I’m into that.” All I’m saying is, you might look into it and realize you are willing to give it a try.

I remember when I first thought about fisting. I have tokophobia (probably wrapped up in being trans,) and so I was instantly turned off by the idea because it was too close to the idea of giving birth.

However, I dated a guy who was amazing with his tongue and used to see how many times he could get me to orgasm in a night. It was like a fetish of his or something. He enjoyed getting me off, and he was good at it. Around the third or forth orgasm he would start putting fingers inside. One, then two, then three… until eventually his whole hand was inside me. He never exactly asked if he could, but then again, I was in too much ecstasy to protest. It reminds me of that old joke:

Her: “I’m not interested. I’m completely straight. I like men.”

Me: “Honey, you are spaghetti. You’re straight until you get hot and wet.”

I realize that sounds a little rapey -and I assure you I only ever said it to tease my good friends- but there is truth to it. Lots of things seem gross when you’re not turned on, but seem less gross after a few orgasms. And, if you have someone who is gifted with their tongue, that can make a lot of things seem less disgusting than you originally thought.

My ex husband said ‘no’ to a lot of things in more than a decade of marriage, and I don’t believe that any of them were fair. Most of them cost me a lot to ask for. After all, I have more than the average amount of shame wrapped up in sex and genitals since I have the wrong ones. (I always tell men: If you’re attracted to me then you’re at least little bit gay because I’m a guy.)

He said ‘no’ to trying romantic sex where we looked into each other’s eyes. He said ‘no’ to anal sex. He said ‘no’ to role-playing. He said ‘no’ to switching roles and topping me once in a while. He said ‘no’ to a MMF threesome. Etc… etc… etc…

I carry a lot of pain from how shitty he was. Some of it is wrapped up in refusing to have conversations about things or seek solutions to problems. Some of it is in how controlling he was. Some of it is in how lazy and mean he was. But the two biggest things that hurt me was:

• Saying ‘no’ to everything I wanted to try in bed.

• Harassing me for dressing up at home and bullying me into buying pajamas; which is not a thing I ever owned before I met him.

Some would say that the wrecking my cars drunk and having secret debt was worse. To each their own, I guess. But I know what hurt me the most, and I’m telling you from experience: Don’t just refuse to talk about things your partner wants to do in bed. It’s cruel.

Things You’ll Be Ashamed to Talk About in the Morning

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There’s a tagline I have at the bottom of this blog:

“I want to do things you’ll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.”

This can sound fun to some people, or upsetting to others. However, I want to talk a little bit about what I actually mean when I say it.

Sometimes men watch porn or go to a sex club and see a woman doing something they feel is “gross,” and they will say: “How shameful! She clearly doesn’t respect herself.”

Aside from the fact that these guys tend to have a lot of latent homosexual feelings, there is also an inherent assumption that certain sex acts are incompatible with self-worth.

Guys, when I say you’ll be ashamed to talk about it in the morning, it’s supposed to be a joke. I’m not trying to push your boundaries or make you do things you don’t want to do. I’m not trying to make anyone hate themselves, and I don’t agree with those who are judgmental about what other folks are into. I’m just making a joke about how society at large feels that you’re supposed to be ashamed of sex, and anything you desire. I know a girl who felt so much shame about her own body that she didn’t masturbate until she was in her late 20’s and already had four kids.  I think that’s unhealthy, and I think shame is unhealthy. My tagline is meant to openly mock the concept of shame.

That said: I also want to remind folks that you don’t know what is going on inside another person’s head. You don’t know why they are doing what they are doing. That’s why judging them is extra ridiculous. And -if you’re honest- I think you can admit that most judgment is actually rooted in jealousy.

Maybe it’s not that the woman having anal sex at the club doesn’t respect herself. Maybe it’s that you want a guy to do that to you, and you’re afraid you won’t respect yourself if you have sex with a man.

Keep an open mind, and don’t be ashamed of who you are or what you want.

We Are the Weirdos, Mister

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The fetish community is made up of so many different kinds of people. Society at large would probably call us freaks, but I like to think that we are a tolerant bunch (at least within our community).

Something I have always said -which I stole from the iconic Jay Wiseman- is:

“Your kink is not my kink and that’s okay.”

If you are a White guy who likes to sleep with Black women (or men) because of some plantation fantasy, then I will let you do your thing without any commentary from me. If you are a woman who likes to pretend to be a child and have sex with adults, have at it. I admit that -for me personally- things like diapering are a real turn-off. But if it’s what you want to do, then you should do it.

One thing I have noticed over the years is that there are some trends. Many people figure out they are kinky and they want to start with fuzzy handcuffs and stuff. As they get deeper and deeper into the community, they start doing weirder and weirder things to try to get the same rush they felt the first time. Soon they find themselves watching octopus porn on some obscure website on the dark web, because they can’t get off unless they watch a woman have a live octopus shoved up inside her.

This is -perhaps- the one good thing about Artificial Intelligence. In modern porn, you know that no octopi were harmed because computer generated pictures and video are cheaper and easier than finding a woman willing to do it with an octopus.

That’s just a random example dating back to a visit to Bangkok where I was handing a brothel menu with things like “smoking pussy” and “eels in pussy” on it. Stay weird, Thailand. Stay weird.

My point is, people often fall down those holes into the extremely weird. Sometimes it happens over the course of years. Sometimes it happens overnight.

Then, in time, people often come around to realizing that the fun part about kink is actually enjoying your fellow odd ducks getting off on whatever they are into. Maybe it’s just some light dirty talk.

“Oh master, fuck me harder. I’m going to cum!”

Maybe it’s being blindfolded so you don’t know what is coming.

You realize it doesn’t have to be weirder than last time. It just has to be savored. Whatever play you are engaging in, you just have to commit to your role and enjoy the uniqueness of that specific experience.

Anyway, we are the weirdos.

I’m just pointing out a trend I see which makes me feel like we really aren’t that weird. We just like to have interesting experiences, and I’ll never understand why there is a stigma attached to that.

So You’re Monogamous

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In the kink community, there is this pressure to be polyamorous. I think this is because it’s really hard to find someone who can be everything you want when you have a lot of kinks.

For example, I am a switch. I know I mostly write from the perspective of a Domme, but I have switched in the past. I just can’t do it with the same person. If I dominate someone, I’m not going to then turn around and submit to them. It’s just not comfortable in my brain.

Don’t bother telling me that this speaks to some deep-seeded issue. We all have issues, and not all of them can (or even need to be) worked out. If your life works the way it is and you are happy, then don’t change a thing.

Now, in most of my relationships, I’m the Domme. But every now and then, I’ll find someone who clicks with me just right, and I’ll be willing to be a submissive. That submissive relationship won’t satisfy me completely because I’m still 99% Domme, so it can’t be my only relationship.

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Polyamory exists in many varieties, and for many reasons.

In the case of my husband, he’s my Pet. I can’t see him as Dominant because he curls up in my lap and I stoke his hair and he’s my perfect little plaything. I don’t want to taint or compromise it in any way; it’s exactly what I want for us and it makes me so happy.

If you ask me, I think this speaks to why kinky people are so likely to create multiple meaningful attachments. After all, sometimes I do want to be submissive (or even just a different kind of dominant,) and I need an entire other person for that.

There’s also stuff that he’s just not into (like role play) that I really love. So, I need a whole other person for that as well.

Kink is varied and there’s a lot going on, and you probably won’t find one person that can be your everything all the time.

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The problem is this: Some people are actually just monogamous. Being poly or monogamous is another orientation. You’re born that way, though maybe it takes you a long time to figure out. In the end, it’s who you are.

Let’s talk about an example:

I dated a guy many years ago who was fun and kinky and interesting. He looked a little weird (big forehead, odd lips) but he was funny, had an infectious energy, and was generally enjoyable to be around.

However, he was monogamous.

Now, he didn’t accept that about himself. He claimed to be poly and had no issue with me dating. And, since I didn’t know he was monogamous, I had no issue with him looking for another person to date as well. (Note: he was completely single when I met him- which is fairly inconceivable to a poly person. I don’t think I’ve been completely single since middle school.)

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The moment he found another girl he liked, he vanished. Oh, he still sent a message here and there and tried, but he simply wasn’t able to split his attention. He was completely incapable of thinking about more than one person.

It was jarring for me, since I had put a fair amount of emotional investment into the relationship. It sucked to basically be ghosted (though he wasn’t consciously aware he was doing that.)

I did try tell him that his behavior wasn’t okay, and that I still deserved attention even if he began dating someone else. He lashed out in a way that was childish, cruel, and unexpected. He said I was being emotionally manipulative, and made all kinds of completely unfair accusations.

Obviously, I know that it probably did feel that way to him (like I was being unfair.) However, that’s only because he literally lacked the ability to pay attention to more than one sexual partner at once. My asking for attention felt like a manipulation since I said I didn’t mind if he dated someone else. He simply didn’t have the bandwidth to comprehend what he was doing. It was like he expected me to stay on hold while he let the other relationship run its course, and he didn’t understand that polyamory isn’t putting someone on hold so you can go obsess over new people.

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In my opinion, the hardest part of being poly is stepping up. You have to pay the same amount of attention to the person you were already dating, and then make new energy for the new person. I understand that it’s hard for some people to split their attention or to handle more than one thing at once. I’m not criticizing them for this single-mindedness.

However, if you are monogamous, figure it the fuck out.

And remember: there is a difference between sexual monogamy and emotional monogamy. Some people are emotionally monogamous but just have sex with other people. They don’t develop relationships with the extraneous people. They don’t send them Christmas cards or try to keep them in their lives. They only want extra people for sex, but they are unable to expend the emotional effort to care for those people.

If you are emotionally monogamous, then everyone who comes in contact with you needs to know that. There is nothing at all wrong with sex that doesn’t involve emotion. Casual sex is awesome! But, the people who sleep with you need to know that you don’t have the capability to handle more than one emotional attachment at a time.

It all comes down to being conscious of who and what you are. I know monogamy is stigmatized in the kink community. However, if you are a monogamous person, just be open about it. It’s who you are, and you need to demand respect like the rest of us do.

And remember: Polyamory might be the standard in the kink community, but you’re still the one who gets to blend in with the vanillas and have relationships that don’t require a flow chart!

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Finally, let’s circle back to the start and talk about compromise.  Monogamous people are not emotionally capable of maintaining more than one attachment. However, they often can’t get everything that they want from the partner that they have. The compromise they make is all over culture: The poor man who wants some excitement in his life. The poor woman who has a nice guy but dreams of someone handsome (just for a night!) Etc… etc… etc…

The stories about the compromises of monogamy get told. We all know them.

Monogamous people often think that we don’t make any compromises since we can sleep with more than one person. This is absolutely not true!

My husband put up with my crabby boyfriend staying here for a week. That was a huge compromise on his part! He has to accept me writing letters and sending birthday cards to all the people I maintain relationships with. And, he feels sad sometimes when I am paying attention to people who aren’t him.

By the same token, I love to set up play dates for him so that he can experiment with different types of play and have some variety in his life. But, I do feel a little sad sometimes when I think of how there are pieces of him that I don’t get to share. Knowing those pieces exist is my compromise.

You’ll never be in a happy, healthy relationship that doesn’t involve some compromise. So embrace who you are, and make the best decisions based on what you can handle.

But please monogamous folks, know yourself. Don’t date poly people if you can’t be poly.

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First Dates

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Even vanilla people hate first dates. Half the guys are creepers. Half the women are Republican. There’s not much chance for a good match.

When you add kink on top, it gets worse. You probably have specific things that you are hoping to find, such as someone who isn’t afraid of anal play or who won’t judge you for using gear ties instead of ropes. They probably also have specific desires as well, and those desires likely don’t line up with yours.

The more complicated you like your sex, the harder it is to find someone that you are compatible with. That’s why dating in the kink community is so much more difficult than dating in the vanilla world.

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Actually, I don’t even like to call the first meeting offline a “date” because I think that puts too much pressure on it. It’s always annoyed me when people refer to a first meeting as a “date,” as if trying to overlay some societal expectation onto my behavior. I’m just trying to figure out if you’re cool since you wrote to me on the internet. Let’s not call it a date unless we already know each other from somewhere and we already like each other.

“Dates” are for people who have a mutual attraction. One does not get that from text online. One gets that from being around someone in person. There’s no substitute.

Anyway, as an example of first date hell: I recently went out with a girl. She contacted me, and I figured it was worth a few hours of my time to meet her (even though I have been feeling like shit lately) because anytime a semi-normal person talks to you on Fetlife it feels like you ought to at least meet them. She picked the place, which was an IHOP by the airport. However, I endeavored to keep an open mind.

 

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As far as kink goes, we were a match. She’s a submissive of the sort I would want. She’d be willing to play with my Pet as well. She’s fine with swapping STD tests. She even likes D&D (which I feel shows an aptitude for Role Play.) In terms of just the potential for kinky sex, we were a match (which is so rare!)

And yet, somehow someone who seemed completely perfect on paper turned out to be a chore to be around in person. She kept throwing out completely false facts like:

“We only know about 5% of what is in the ocean so there are animals we don’t know about in there that could just come eat you.” (That’s not true- we know about a lot more than 5% of the animals in the ocean, and you will not get eaten by a mysterious and unidentified animal if you snorkel.)

And:

“Less than 1% of abortions are because the baby is deformed or because the mom is at risk.” (Again, not true at all. Most abortions are done because there is a risk to the mother or a problem with the baby. It’s not a choice people make lightly. But of course, Republicans have made sure that you can’t demonstrate this because in the 90’s they made it illegal to collect data. I rely on data from other countries because that’s all you can get anymore.)

 

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You might ask yourself: “Couldn’t you just gag her while you fuck her and not spend any time with her outside of sex?”

Yes, I think some people could make that work. I wish I was one of them. But the thing is, I can’t get horny for someone who grosses me out as a person. She’s anti-choice! How could I get into that? How could anyone? My sex drive went in reverse listening to her talk about her kids (one of which she doesn’t like and all of which have different dads.) Then there was her Fox News talking points about how healthcare in Canada is “basically murder.” Everything she said was gross and untrue, and I kinda felt like I needed to take a shower after talking to her.

After the underwhelming meal, she followed me to my car (though I tried to say goodbye in front of the restaurant.) That’s when it got bad. She made fun of my Jeep.

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It’s a 2004 because I wanted something older. Newer cars are impossible to work on yourself since everything is computerized, and who wants to spend money on mechanics? Plus I don’t feel comfortable driving nice cars because then if a shopping cart rolls into them in the parking lot, I have to get upset about a scratch. Also, I park it at a lot of beaches and hiking trails in sketchy areas, and no one is going to break into an old Jeep because they assume there is nothing to steal (and they’re right- I don’t keep valuables in my car.)

She also made fun of it for being dirty, which is so dumb. Why wash a Jeep? It’s just going to go off road tomorrow and get dirty again. What? Am I supposed to care what people I don’t know might think if my car is dirty? Fuck them. Fuck anyone who wants to have an opinion about the mud on my tires or the dirt on my windows. As long as I have good visibility and it’s safe to drive, the mud stays.

It’s more than the specifics, though. It’s the general issue with people like that. They live their lives trying to impress others. That sounds exhausting, pointless, and like a complete waste of a life. You couldn’t pay me to care what a stranger thinks about me! And to be so shallow that you need to make yourself feel valuable by having nicer things than others? Yuck!

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My value comes from within. I’ve seen and done amazing things. I’ve traveled the world. I’ve meditated with monks in three different countries. I struggled with issues stemming from childhood abuse, battled my demons, and won. I did event planning and threw fetish proms and made amazing memories for myself and for others. I’m proud of who I am, what I have done, and how I see the world.

Could I drive a nice car if I wanted to? Yup. Could I wear brand name clothes if I wanted to? Yup. I could have amazing things and I could polish them daily in hopes that others would validate me by congratulating me on my shinny possessions. I could waste my entire life on vapid, stupid pursuits.

But, I won’t.

I’m going to do the bare minimum required to survive so that I have time for FUN. I want to climb every mountain, snorkel every reef, and have all the sex. I want to spend my time doing things I love, and spend my money on amazing experiences. For example: That girl spent about $400 a month on a car payment. I spent $400 during my entire week of backpacking around Chang Mai. There is no way I would rather have a fancy car for one month than those memories.

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This is why dating in the kink world is harder. It’s also why I hate calling it a “first date” when I meet a new person. There’s just too much going on.

Kink Concerns: Are we compatible in terms of BDSM? Will this person fit into my poly lifestyle in a way that all partners will be comfortable with? Are they attractive enough and interesting enough for me to want to play with them? Are they concerned enough with safety?

Vanilla Concerns: Can I stand to be around this person? Do they say things so heinous that I want to punch them? Are they a racist piece of shit or a Trump supporter? Are they a feminist or are they an idiot?

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I feel like I need to be compatible with people on a kink level and on a vanilla level in order to enjoy playing scenes with them. After all, if someone is shallow and vapid, then they need WAY more aftercare and time spent validating them because they are empty inside. I don’t want to spend all my time on that. And I just can’t get horny for someone who throws out fake statistics to defend draconian beliefs, either.

I’ve been very lucky to have found a lot of compatible people in my life. And when I like someone, I’ll keep them around forever. Example: I have a boy who I like as a human (he’s nice, we have similar values, and he’s into D&D.) The sex wasn’t always great, but there were some really hot moments that I still fantasize about. I’ll probably talk to him as long as he wants to talk to me. I’ll also harbor hopes that we can recreate some of those really good moments. Plus, I’ve grown to consider him a good friend.

I think that’s the best way to be kinky and poly. Find the people you are compatible with, and just keep them around for the rest of your life. It might not work for everyone, but it works for me. Anything to avoid dating, right?

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