Tag Archives: mental-health

My Kink Is Not Your Kink — And That’s Okay

by

0



Human desire is astonishingly diverse. What excites one person may do absolutely nothing for another, and that difference is not a flaw—it’s simply part of being human. We rarely agree on what is “sexy,” and that disagreement is not only inevitable, but healthy.

There are entire worlds of attraction that I personally don’t understand. Some people find excitement through words on a screen, through imagination alone, crafting entire experiences out of text and suggestion. While it doesn’t resonate with me, it clearly resonates deeply with others.

There are also interests that make me uncomfortable, not because they are unfamiliar, but because they collide with my personal boundaries or values. It’s important to say this plainly: desire is only acceptable when it is consensual, ethical, and confined to adults. Outside of that, it stops being a preference and becomes harm. However –between two adults– many people engage in adult baby play, daddy/daughter play, or Little play. While these aren’t things I’m personally comfortable with, I don’t judge what they enjoy.

And, I recognize that I enjoy things others have no interest in whatsoever. I’m drawn to intensity, to structured fantasies, to the idea of imagination becoming real through shared trust and play. I love the creativity of roleplay—the way it allows people to step outside themselves and explore safely.




The truth is simple: you don’t have to like what I like, and I don’t have to like what you like.

Of course, our reactions aren’t always fixed. Sometimes something that initially feels strange—or even off-putting—changes once it’s understood or experienced in a safe, respectful way. I’ve seen how trying something new can surprise a person, especially when it offers relief from anxiety or allows them to inhabit a role that feels easier than simply being themselves.

There are limits. Some ideas simply never become comfortable, no matter how much time passes. Recognizing that boundary is just as important as exploring new ones. When that happens, it may mean accepting that no single relationship can fulfill every desire—and that’s not a failure.

For me, this realization made room for a broader understanding of relationships. Different people can meet different needs, whether emotional, intellectual, or physical, as long as honesty and consent guide those connections. Not everyone is equipped for that kind of emotional openness, and that’s okay too. For those who can handle it, I think polyamory is a good way to deal with people you love not necessarily sharing all of your kinks.

I always tell people to take some time with each idea. Never refuse anything outright. Let it marinade in your imagination for a while, and then tell your partner what you think. Sometimes you cozy up to an idea when you let it hang out in your head. Other times, you don’t. But you should never say no before giving the idea time to percolate. When people do this, it reminds me of a child being offered a new food and saying: “No, I hate it!” (Before even trying it.) Don’t be a child saying no to watermelon.

Most of the time, it won’t hurt you to try something new.

Trying something doesn’t mean it will define you forever. Sometimes a desire dissolves once it’s explored. Other times, it deepens. There’s no way to know which until experience replaces imagination. Wanting something intensely doesn’t guarantee it will last, and discovering you don’t enjoy something can be just as valuable as discovering that you do.

What matters most is refusing resentment—toward yourself or others. People are allowed to like what they like, and they’re allowed not to like what they don’t. Difference doesn’t make us incompatible by default; it makes the world more interesting.

If we were all the same, desire would be dull, relationships would be simple in the worst way, and curiosity would disappear. Variety is not the problem. The lack of understanding is.

Don’t Hunt the Unicorns

by

0




I want to take a moment to talk about some of the most magical people in the polyamorous community. They are called Unicorns.

Unicorns are people (most often women) who enjoy dating couples.

An unfortunate thing I often see in the Polyamorous culture is unhappy couples trying to hunt for a unicorn because they think it will fix their marriage.

Remember: No one wants to date an unhappy couple. Unicorns are attracted to love and joy, and if your marriage isn’t loving and joyful, they won’t want to be part of it.

Even if you have a happy marriage, it’s important to remember that the unicorn may not want to do every single thing together with both of you. Many couples fall into the trap of expecting a unicorn to like each of them equally and only want to do things with both of them together. That’s weird. It’s not natural or normal to expect someone to feel exactly the same about both of you and to always want to be with you together.

Let’s step back for a moment and examine what polyamory actually is.

Polyamory is about a lot of things, but the biggest thing you need to practice is being self-aware and managing jealousy well. You will feel jealous when your partner is with someone else, and moreso if they are with someone else without you. That said, you feeling jealous doesn’t automatically mean you should get everything you want. It also doesn’t mean that what your partner is doing is wrong.



When I was married, my husband would get extremely nosey about anyone I was talking to and everything I said. When I tried to go places with anyone other than him, he would invite himself along. In my experience, men are worse at managing jealousy because they’ve been taught that the only feeling they are allowed to have is anger. Anger is probably the least productive emotion and it only causes conflict, so men who want to practice polyamory need to spend a lot of time working on themselves and learning a few important lessons:

• If anger is your default emotion, then you need to fix that. Anger only causes conflict, and it is the least productive of all the emotions.

• Women are people. They each have their own wants and desires. You can’t make assumptions about what they feel or want based on stereotypes that you learned in elementary school or from other ignorant men. Just let her talk and listen to what she says. It’s not that hard.

• You need to learn to recognize when you are feeling jealous. Then, examine why you feel that way. Are those feelings fair? You want to date other people, so your partner should be able to do the same things as you. Sometimes that means spending time with someone with you. Sometimes that means spending time with someone without you. Either way, it is your responsibility to manage your jealousy, not your partner’s responsibility.

Compresion is the term we use to mean that you are happy that someone else is happy. This is the feeling you want to try to cultivate. If someone wants to spend time with your partner without you, it’s important to focus on being glad that your partner is desired, and happy for them that they are having fun. If you can’t do that, then you are not polyamorous. You shouldn’t be dating unicorns or anyone else.

Here’s something you can think about:

A unicorn is coming into a relationship where he or she doesn’t know any of your inside jokes, and where they don’t have any history with either of you. This can feel lonely. Instead of focusing on yourself or your partner, try to spend time focusing on how the unicorn feels, and try to help them feel comfortable.

Unicorns are special people, and they deserve respect and kindness. So, don’t hunt a unicorn because you’re unhappy and you think it will fix your marriage. It won’t. Adding another person to an unhappy situation will just multiple the unhappiness. Instead, fix your issues on your own, become happy and loving, and then watch the unicorns come to you.




A Diagnosis That Changed My Perspective

by

0

Autism and Masking

My therapist a few years ago said something about me being Autistic, assuming that I had already been diagnosed. I had always thought of Autism as kids who scream and are impossible to control, so I was immediately offended. I told him he was full of shit and hung up on him. Thank you to Covid-19 for ensuring that I didn’t have to angrily drive away since therapy was virtual at that time.

I started reading about Autism and joining groups for Autistic adults. The more research I did, the more I began to understand myself, and to see that my therapist was right. Don’t worry; I called him to apologize. It was still awkward after that so I see someone else now, but at least he got the satisfaction of me admitting he was right.

The point is: Knowing I was Autistic helped me see why the kink community appealed to me. I hate surprises or not knowing what is going to happen next. Being a Domme and negotiating scenes in advance took all the scary things out of sex. It made it much more palatable for me.

I also realized that I’ve always done something called “masking,” though I called it my “chameleon response.”

Basically, I mirror whatever energy someone else puts out. I mirror their speech patterns and even their mannerisms. FYI: Being someone who masks heavily is not great around people who hate themselves or people who are assholes. I have a natural resistance to negativity due to having an overabundance of Serotonin and Dopamine in my brain, but a miserable enough person can wear me down eventually until I mirror them.

People can’t always tell I’m happy because I don’t do facial expressions really well. But, all you have to do is listen to me talk.

I also see the best in people, find the good in shit situations, and generally view the world as a great place to be.

This is not always good. For example, my ex-husband had a serious brain injury while out drinking in Seoul in 2016. He became meaner and more dependent on alcohol, but I didn’t really notice because I only saw the good things in him. Later, he had another serious brain injury while out on exercise with the Navy. He got so mean and violent, but I thought: “Oh, he’ll get better.” He got worse and worse, and I kept trying to help him instead of running away. I thought I could help, because that is the disadvantage of being a cheerful person who looks for the good in everyone.

Being Autistic means I’m pretty awkward (on the inside) and I always feel like I’m cosplaying as an adult. On the other hand, that makes role-play really easy. If you’re already doing cosplay in all of your life, then trying out different characters isn’t so weird. It makes being a Domme easy because it’s just another persona, like my work persona and my friend persona. It’s like being diagnosed allowed me to find the key to a lock I didn’t know I had inside me.




On balance, I think I’ve come to love who I am more now.

I used to be pretty insecure. My biological mom spent my entire childhood calling me a piece of shit, and my biological dad told me I was too stupid to grow up to be anything of value. The kids at school also bullied me, and I didn’t learn to read or write until I was in 5th grade. Thanks to Mrs. Delinsik for speaking kindly to me. No one had ever spoken to me kindly before, and it turns out that’s how I learn. I can’t learn from being screamed at. I can’t even hear people when they are screaming because it makes my brain panic.

I was never stupid. I was just processing external stimuli with my entire brain the way Autistic people do, instead of with only one specific part of my brain the way neurotypicals do. This makes it hard to hear people chew and hear appliances hum and other things like that, but it definitely makes sex better. Experiencing sex with your entire brain is pretty great.

Once I was diagnosed, I noticed that most of my kinky friends are neurodivergent, too. That makes me happy. I didn’t even know who I was, but I still found my people.

I’ve come to realize that Autistic people are often bullied nut neurotypicals, and it’s not because there is anything wrong with us. It’s because there’s something wrong with the people who choose to bully us. The people who didn’t like how I acted make me laugh now. After all, I was only masking and mirroring their own behavior towards me (including tone, inflection, and stance). The thing they didn’t like was actually their own actions reflected back at them. It’s amusing when you think about it.

Thank you to all of you who have been part of my journey and helped me along the way. It means a lot.

As for me, I am trying to unmask. I don’t want to mirror people anymore or be anyone other than myself. It’s about time. But, I wish I’d been diagnosed sooner. I spent 42 years thinking I was a defective horse when I was a zebra all along.


How to Talk About Sex

by

2



When I plan a scene with a person or people whom I do not know well, I use kink negotiation forms. They have boxes to check for things you agree to and do not agree to, blanks to write in ideas, and more. Find an example here. This is good because miscommunication often leads to bad sex, and no one wants to have bad sex.

However, once you get into a long-term relationship, you will probably move away from forms and try to talk to each other about sex without ink and paper being involved.

First, let me start with what my ex-husband did because it’s good to start with what NOT to do.

I would try to bring up a new thing I wanted to try.

Me: “I was thinking that I’d really like to do a role-play scene for my birthday this year.”

Him: “No. I don’t do role play.”

Me: “Well, we can talk about who the characters would be. I’m not saying it has to be anything specific. I just thought we could try being different people.”

Him: “I’m not talking about this. I said no. Respect my boundary.”

End of conversation.

Many of you will point out how he is misusing the language of consent by setting a boundary that subjects cannot be discussed, rather than setting a healthy boundary on something after discussing it. That’s true. But, we won’t spend too much time going into all the issues with his side of the dialog. That’s not the point.

The point is: How could this have gone better?

As I tried to explain to him, it’s not okay to dismiss something out-of-hand before letting your partner explain themselves. There are a lot of reasons for this:

• If you do not let your partner explain what they are asking for in detail first, then they will walk away feeling unheard and disrespected.

• If you create resentment in your partner due to refusing them without hearing them out, they may express that resentment by saying “no” to you in the future, so keep in mind that relationships are about TWO people, not just one.

• If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might find that you are into it after all.

To go back to the ex-husband example:

 Once I asked him if we could try upside-down throat fucking. He immediately said no and refused to discuss it further. I went on a rant about feeling disrespected and unheard, and about how hurtful it was to always be refused when I asked for things. This made him silent, because when he was mad, he would refuse to talk at all and instead would just glare at me. Usually I gave up, but this time I kept talking. I said:

“Look, you probably said no before even thinking it through because from your point of view it seems like something to degrading to do to your wife. All I’m asking is that you consider it from my point of view. I don’t hang out in my own head when I’m having sex because I’m a non-op transsexual. I jump into your head. I have my eyes closed, and I am seeing the scene from your point of view. So, I’m asking you to do something that I want to do to a woman with the dick that I was supposed to have. I think it’s hot because it’s something a woman can’t possibly enjoy. There are no nerves there to give pleasure. There isn’t any clit to stimulate. It’s hot because it’s only for your pleasure and the woman is just being used like an object; a human fleshlight. All I’m saying is, I was born in a female body, but unfortunately, I was also born with the mind of a pretty gross guy. I’m not proud of it, but it’s something that I want. And I just thought you might be able to enjoy the fantasy with me.”

At the time, he sat there in stony silence, quietly hating me for pushing him to discuss things and care what I wanted. However, later I found that he’d been watching a bunch of porn about upside-down throat fucking. It became a fetish of his because I described it in a way that made it sound hot. Now, he continued to pretend that it was gross and refuse to do it with me, but that’s just because my ex-husband is basically the biggest douchebag on Earth.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it’s an example of bullet point three: If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might end up finding it hot after all.

I married my ex because he never said “no” to anything, and he was always up for new adventures. Once he had me trapped in marriage, he began to refuse any new things or anything fun. I have no idea why. I hope he works through that with his therapist or something. But, little-by-little, he became a completely different person after the wedding, and it was not the person I married.

Saying ‘no’ is pretty cruel when someone works up the nerve to ask for a secret sexy desire. And -while I apologize for lacing this post with my own post-marriage trauma- it’s relevant because what he did really hurt me. Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut. I have made a living for much of my life from writing kink erotica, hitting people for money, and throwing fetish proms. Sex is a huge part of who I am. And yet, even I feel shy when asking a new person for a new thing. It’s putting yourself out there and taking a risk, and being slapped down hurts all the way to the depths of your soul.

So don’t say ‘no.’ Say things like this instead:

• I’m curious to know what about that appeals to you. Would you be willing to tell me about it?

• I’d like to know more about how you visualize that working with us. Can you describe your vision?

• Can you tell me why I might enjoy this fetish?

 Even if you end up not being into the idea, you don’t have to say ‘no.’ My husband liked to say things like: ‘Absolutely not,’ or ‘There is no universe where I would be okay with that.’ Outright refusal is for assholes. Instead, try things like:

• I appreciate you sharing this with me. I’m not feeling it tonight, but let me think about it and do more research.

• I can see that this is important to you. Can you send me some links to some videos of it so I can try to get interested, too?

• I’m not sure if that would be safe for me. I would like to talk with my doctor about it and see what she says, and then I’ll get back to you.

• I won’t say ‘no’ because I know it took courage to ask; but is it okay if I say ‘not right now’ and give it some more thought on my own?

I once saw a meme where a guy is sitting at a computer and he clicks on a link to a porn video. He says: “That is sick! Who the fuck would be into that?” Then it has two frames of him just starring at the screen. In the final panel he says” “Oh shit, I guess I’m into that.” All I’m saying is, you might look into it and realize you are willing to give it a try.

I remember when I first thought about fisting. I have tokophobia (probably wrapped up in being trans,) and so I was instantly turned off by the idea because it was too close to the idea of giving birth.

However, I dated a guy who was amazing with his tongue and used to see how many times he could get me to orgasm in a night. It was like a fetish of his or something. He enjoyed getting me off, and he was good at it. Around the third or forth orgasm he would start putting fingers inside. One, then two, then three… until eventually his whole hand was inside me. He never exactly asked if he could, but then again, I was in too much ecstasy to protest. It reminds me of that old joke:

Her: “I’m not interested. I’m completely straight. I like men.”

Me: “Honey, you are spaghetti. You’re straight until you get hot and wet.”

I realize that sounds a little rapey -and I assure you I only ever said it to tease my good friends- but there is truth to it. Lots of things seem gross when you’re not turned on, but seem less gross after a few orgasms. And, if you have someone who is gifted with their tongue, that can make a lot of things seem less disgusting than you originally thought.

My ex husband said ‘no’ to a lot of things in more than a decade of marriage, and I don’t believe that any of them were fair. Most of them cost me a lot to ask for. After all, I have more than the average amount of shame wrapped up in sex and genitals since I have the wrong ones. (I always tell men: If you’re attracted to me then you’re at least little bit gay because I’m a guy.)

He said ‘no’ to trying romantic sex where we looked into each other’s eyes. He said ‘no’ to anal sex. He said ‘no’ to role-playing. He said ‘no’ to switching roles and topping me once in a while. He said ‘no’ to a MMF threesome. Etc… etc… etc…

I carry a lot of pain from how shitty he was. Some of it is wrapped up in refusing to have conversations about things or seek solutions to problems. Some of it is in how controlling he was. Some of it is in how lazy and mean he was. But the two biggest things that hurt me was:

• Saying ‘no’ to everything I wanted to try in bed.

• Harassing me for dressing up at home and bullying me into buying pajamas; which is not a thing I ever owned before I met him.

Some would say that the wrecking my cars drunk and having secret debt was worse. To each their own, I guess. But I know what hurt me the most, and I’m telling you from experience: Don’t just refuse to talk about things your partner wants to do in bed. It’s cruel.

Don’t Make Assumptions; Ask For What You Want

by

0


This post is going to start with a tale of two rape fantasies (called “Consent Non-Consent” or “CNC” scenes). Trigger warning for anyone who might not want to proceed, because this content will get a little upsetting.

Snake Boy:

I dated a guy whose name I won’t use, but we’ll call him “Snake Boy” because he had a ball python (a normal pet in some places, but an odd choice where we were in South Korea).

Snake Boy asked me if we could do a rape scene. No one had ever asked me before, but I don’t shy away from trying new things so I said that I’d be happy to try if it. He didn’t give me any porn to watch to explain what he wanted, nor did he give me examples of the things he thought this would entail. He asked for a rape scene, and I agreed.

I asked Snake Boy to go outside and come back in sneakily, and I would pretend to be asleep. This way I could secretly enjoy one of my kinks (being fucked awake) while he enjoyed one of his.

When he snuck up to my bedroom, grabbed me, and penetrated me, I did exactly what some women reading this will recognize and understand: I held very still and cried quietly.

Some of the men reading this need more explanation, I know.

Basically, it goes like this: One in four women admit to being raped. The other three are probably just too ashamed to admit it. There are a lot of men out there who rape women. Don’t get upset. It’s just a fact. It’s not one guy doing it all. It’s a lot of them. And -while I’m not saying you are one of these men- if your ‘go to’ move is to get offended, then maybe you should look at that.

Women have learned through hard life experience that if you are raped, the best thing to do is to stay quiet and not fight. Women who fight get beaten and killed. I was actually beaten nearly to death and dumped in a dry riverbed to die when I was sixteen years old, and it was because I fought back.

Therefore, if you want to live, you stay very quiet and try not to move until it’s over. Maybe you even say something about how you enjoyed it so that you have a better chance of getting away. Men are much more likely to kill you if they think you will press charges. But if you say: “I’ve always wanted to do this” or something else that makes them feel safe, you’ll get away.

This is complicated by the fact that most men who rape you are ‘nice guys’ who you know, and that means you’ll see them again. The worst is when they assume that because they raped you, that means you are now their girlfriend. If you’re Autistic like me, this may lead to some very complicated situations in which you try to get the guy to go away because you know they are a dangerous rapist, but they keep following you around calling you their girlfriend.

One guy -we’ll call him ‘Roach’ because he reminded me of a cockroach- dragged me from the bathroom where I had been throwing up to his bedroom and raped me even though I said ‘no’ and tried to push him away while nearly passed out on the floor with puke on my clothes and face. The next day he started calling me his girlfriend and bought me a card where he hand-wrote a note about how special I was. And they say women play mind games.

Anyway, Snake Boy was very upset after the scene and told me: “That wasn’t a rape scene. You didn’t even struggle. Why would you think that is what I meant by rape?”

The audacity of these motherfuckers, you know? What a jerk.

But let’s move on to the second rape scene with The Vampire. No, he wasn’t Goth. It’s just that Twilight came out the same year I met him and his name was Edward, so I teased him mercilessly about his name and asked him why he didn’t sparkle in the sunlight. He’s dead now so I could use his real name, but I’m going to stick with The Vampire because it makes me laugh.

The Vampire asked for a rape scene, and then gave me a jump drive with a bunch of porn on it. He also rented a hotel room for the scene, and dressed up in black clothes and a black ski mask. See, he told me exactly what he wanted, gave a convincing back story about being a hotel employee who saw me check in and wanted me, and dressed the part. It was very sexy.

This time, I threw myself into the role as it was explained to me. I acted just like the girls in the movies he’d given me, with a lot of theatrical struggling and yelling.

It was exactly what The Vampire wanted, but he should have given the hotel staff a heads up or rented a bigger suite, I guess. That scene was interrupted by the cops. Huge props to someone for thinking a woman was being attacked, actually calling the cops about it. Huge props to the cops for actually responding to such a call, in spite of the statistics (they rarely respond and almost never press charges for actual rapes).

My point is: You cannot assume that someone knows what you want.

Snake Boy made a few assumptions that he should not have made, including assuming that I had never been raped before in real life, and assuming that I watched porn (which at the time I still did not). We can fake the reality to impersonate porn, but reality -left to its own devices- is almost never like porn. There are silly moments, tender moments, and all sorts of other things that porn leaves out. And obviously, some things are portrayed in a fantasy way because the real thing is not very sexy at all.

There is one thing that makes me happy about these two scenes when I look back. I’m glad that Snake Boy was disappointed by me acting the way most women actually act when they are raped. That means most rapists probably don’t enjoy it very much, and I’m glad if that’s true.