I thought it might be fun to date a little (since I’m free).
I’d like to talk about how that’s been going:
Women: You are doing great. Plenty of romance. All the dates have been fun and creative. It has been easy to trust my female dates, and they have been up-front about what they wanted. Thank you ladies for being sweet, kind, and compassionate.
Men: What happened to you in the 15 years I was married?
Straight men keep saying things to me like:
“Dating is impossible now. You have to worry about everything you say or do, because women will claim you raped them.”
Guys, when you say this, it is telling people that you have raped somebody. If you are a man who asks for -and gets- consent, then you will never have any reason to fear being “accused” of rape.
Or I hear:
“Women are just after money.”
I suppose this was true in the 1950’s when most jobs were not open to women, and women couldn’t have bank account or credit cards. At that time, women were horribly oppressed and couldn’t make money of their own.
That’s not true anymore. Every woman I know would rather make their own money than have someone accuse them of being a “gold digger.” They are absolutely not after men for money. They literally just want someone to do stuff with.
This break from reality seems to have been done intentionally via propaganda from men like Andrew Tate. Let’s all be honest: Andrew Tate is gay. I have never seen anyone want to suck a dick as bad as Andrew Tate wants to suck a dick. But, he’s a coward so he plays “A Straight Guy” and talks about how he hates women.
If you hate women, just go fuck dudes. No one will stop you. It’s still legal in the blue states. (That joke may be too old for some of you, but that’s okay.)
I beg you -all men- if you want to be with men then just go do that. Don’t make a career of shit-talking women because you’re too afraid to be out and proud.
Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all bad. I went out to a Halloween-themed acrobatic show and dance party with a guy who was fairly nice. He wasn’t a good fit for me personally, but he was polite and seemed nice.
And I still have the boyfriends who have been hanging around forever, so I suppose I don’t really need to pick up more men when I already have a few that are nice and kind.The boyfriends prove that there are at least a few men who haven’t bought into the anti-women propaganda.
However, so many are falling for anti-women hate speech and saying ridiculous things like:
“Women said they would choose a bear so they hate men!”
How could anyone intentionally misunderstand something so simple. The “bear thought experiment” was simply a metaphor to explain what it’s like to be a woman. Bears rarely attack women. Men attack women every day. The example of a bear was used because men said they were afraid of bears, so the goal was to point out:
“Yes, you are afraid of bears. However, we want you to know that men are actually more dangerous to women than bears. Think about what that is like for us.”
Because a man’s biggest fear going on a date is that the woman will be fat. And a women’s fear is that she will be raped and murdered. These experiences are very different.
Women were just trying to explain that, and so many of you didn’t listen.
Men, I don’t know what to tell you. Women are making their own money, joining groups and clubs, and spending nights cuddled up watching movies with their friends. They’re making lives centered around themselves, and it’s not to spite men. It’s because of men. It’s because men are so openly hostile that they’d rather hang with their girls.
They’re not bitter. There is no “female loneliness epidemic.” They don’t care if you have money or what you do for work. Most of them don’t even care how tall you are. All your fears are coming from other men, not from women.
All women are asking for is to be treated like people. And to be clear: They deserve that.
Either way, this bisexual girl is sticking to women for now. I like boobs. I like pussy. And most of all, I like being treated like a person rather than an enemy in some boring culture war. I’m an extremely capable person who has survived things that most people don’t survive. However, that doesn’t mean I want to keep surviving crappy stuff. I’d much rather be happy and have fun, and I only want to do that with people who see me as an equal.
My ex-husband was a very kind man when I met him. Sometimes I think it was an act to trap me in marriage. Sometimes I think he changed over time. I’ll never know for-sure because he lies better than anyone I have ever met.
When we were dating, he flirted with me at parties.
This is important because when a man is clearly into a woman, other women notice. My ex-husband and I attracted many people who wanted to be part of our relationship; even if only for a moment. This was possible because he treated me with kindness and respect, and he worked hard to be charming. We had threesomes, got invited to play parties, and generally had a really good time.
When we got married, he began to disrespect me.
It started with ignoring me in favor of flirting with other women online. Then, I threw a kinky mixer at our house in hopes of getting him to behave like he did when we were dating. Instead of flirting with me, he spent the entire night flirting with some girl he just met.
Obviously, the result was that no one had any sex that night.
The girl didn’t mind being flirted with, but she had no interest in a man who would disrespect his wife. The way to turn a woman all the way off is to disrespect other women in front of her. You’re basically saying: “I’m only flirting because you’re new. If you were mine, I’d treat you like I’m treating my wife right now.”
Then he had the nerve to complain that:
• I no longer felt like topping him (because he was disrespectful to me). • No women wanted to play with us (because he was disrespectful to me). • We didn’t get invited to parties (because he was disrespectful to me).
I gently tried to explain the situation. I tried talking to him first, but he acted very haughty and refused to admit to having done anything wrong. I tried writing him a letter, but he refused to discuss it. I tried writing a blog post about it, but he wouldn’t read my blog.
I continued to try to communicate, explaining that when he ignored me to flirt with other women online or when he wouldn’t even acknowledge me at a party, it made me feel bad. As a Domme, I do all the work. I set up the scenes, I create the headspace, and I make the magic happen while he sits there tied up or in a submissive position. I explained that I simply could not get into the headspace to do that much work when he refused to treat me with respect.
For a while, I thought it had to do with the Madonna-Whore Complex. Psychologists often say that men cheat because they don’t want to do “dirty” things with their wives (who they wish to see as pure). The theory is that there are some things a man will only do with a stranger.
When I thought that was the case, I tried to get him into role play. I thought that if we were different people, then we could overcome the problem. I suggested we “meet” at a bar, and that he “sneak me into his house” while “his wife was asleep.”
He refused to discuss it, saying that he would never consider doing any kind of role play. He also said we could not talk about it.
I tried writing love letters with lots of sex in them. I tired sending him porn. I tired all kinds of things to communicate. And let it be said that he did “act nice” sometimes. Though -to be honest- the strain in his voice and movements was so obvious that I couldn’t reconcile it with him saying things like “you look nice.” It was clear he was only doing it because I told him to be kind, not because of any genuine feeling.
In spite of this, I convinced people to spent time with him. I outright asked friends to sleep with him. I got him play dates. I continued to try to act the way I did when we were dating, while he continued to find new ways to be horrible.
For a while he would point out other women to say they were attractive, but never anyone that looked like me. Only Asian women. I am mostly Polynesian and Swedish. I can’t change my genes. It’s not as though I could have tried to look more like the women he pointed out. I’ll never be Asian. So, what it amounted to was really just him finding another way to put me down and make me feel bad, and then still expect me to want to top him in bed.
So, what do you do when a partner changes? When they will no longer do the things they did before?
Well, we were polyamorous, so I tried to just date other people and be his friend. I have some long-standing relationships that I enjoy with people around the world, so I put energy into them. I flew to Las Vegas to give a talk on kink and sell my romance novels. I worked on my blog and things that were important to me.
Yet, I never gave up on him. I kept thinking that he was just going through some things and that we’d be able to sort it out when he had a little more emotional maturity. I waited, and we had kinky sex that wasn’t a power exchange. Just little things. I’d choke him. He’d fist me. Whatever. It wasn’t bad sex, and I liked him as a friend and companion. I thought that was enough, I guess. But all along, I missed when he flirted with me and treated me with such care and attention that unicorns flocked to us and we got invited to every party. We had that energy that everyone wants, and I thought we’d get it back if I kept trying.
There were moments when we did. He bought MDMA from someone on his ship, and took it. I don’t do that shit, but I was happy to have him being flirty and sexy again for once, so we played out a fun scene with me as the Domme. It was a great night.
Once a sex friend came to visit and he flirted with me because she was there, and that made me feel sexy enough that I did a scene with both of them. It was her first time trying out the Domme role because we duel-topped him, and she had a blast. I did, too.
Any time he flirted with me and treated me like he had when we were dating, I was able to get into the headspace to be a Domme. But it wasn’t often enough to make me happy, and I tired to communicate this in every way I could think of. I started out kind and patient, but after ten years I started to get snippy and even angry. I couldn’t understand how he still hadn’t grown up yet, and why he was still behaving like a spoiled child who thought he could treat me like dirt and then expect to be spoiled like a good sub.
Some of my friends think his actual personality changed from a series of brain injuries that he had in 2016, 2017, and 2023. Some of my friends think it’s because he was raised by alcoholic failures who were abusive to each other but stayed married, so he simply had a mindset that wives are supposed to be treated like shit (because it’s what his father did to his mother). Some of my friends think straight men simply can’t handle serious relationships or talking about their feelings.
I don’t really know what is true; only how much it hurt.
I do know that if you find yourself in a situation where your partner changes and stops wanting to do the things you need, leave sooner rather than later. I shouldn’t have wasted all those years on him. He was never worth the effort. I spent a fortune on gifts for him. I spent so much time trying to help him to be better as a human, and to teach him kindness and love. I wasted years of my life on a man who -I can see now- never had any value at all. I truly think he only pretended to care about me when we were dating.
For those who feel unsure in their relationships, there were things that I now understand were warning signs:
• I said it made me feel bad when he flirted with other women while I was there, and he kept doing it after I said it hurt me.
• I explained to him that his poor treatment of me was the reason that unicorns no longer wanted to sleep with us, and that it was the reason I no longer felt into being his Domme. He didn’t make any genuine effort to treat me more respectfully in front of people or in private.
• I would tell him exactly what I wanted and even explain why, and he seemed to always do the exact opposite (it felt like out of spite, though at first I made excuses for him in my head, and then later I thought maybe he was just dumb).
• I always dressed up and wore kimono and makeup around the house because those things give me confidence. He whined that it made him uncomfortable and kept asking me to just buy some pajamas like a normal person and stop “trying so hard.” Then when I did as he asked (after two years of protesting it) he told his friends that I laid around in pajamas and stopped even trying to be attractive.
• He did little things to undermine my confidence and make me feel bad, like only saying women of different races were attractive, but never a woman that looked like me.
• When I tried to talk to him about anything at all, he responded with anger.
People can see this list and say: “Well clearly he’s a loser! Why did you stay? That’s on you!” But the truth is, I just kept thinking he would grow into himself and see that I wasn’t his enemy eventually. Like, we started out as a team, you know? And then after he trapped me in marriage, he began to treat me as the enemy.
I thought: At some point he is going to wake up and see that I am on his side. He’ll want to be a team again.
I had hope. That’s really my main problem. Some people suffer from depression, but I have the opposite problem. I have an excessive amount of Serotonin and Dopamine. I am a cheerful person. In fact, my favorite thing to do in public is try to find one thing to compliment about each person I pass. I’m so happy that it often annoys the crap out of people, and I can’t really tone it down.
People think it must be awesome to be naturally cheerful but it’s not. Always seeing the best in people means being screwed over and disappointed a lot. Having high expectations for the world means being let down. Thinking you can love people hard enough that they will eventually be better never actually works (in spite of what my brain tells me). You can’t make people better by seeing the best in them and trying to build them up. My ex-husband never got any better as a person. In fact, the more I asked him to be better, the worse he treated me. (You might say, the more he failed, the more he failed.)
I’m not saying you should give up right away if someone used to do things you loved and now, they won’t.
Try sending each other porn, writing love letters, talking it out, and other communication first.
Many times, communication can fix things.
However, I’ve learned now that the main sign that you need to walk away is actually very simple: If you try to communicate with them and they respond with anger, you need to leave.
Every time I tried to talk to him to solve any issues, he would gaslight me by saying he was not doing the things that he was doing. Then, he would admit that fine, he was doing those things, but it was actually fine and my feelings weren’t valid. Then he would say fine, maybe I had a right to be mad, but my bringing it up hurt him so we were even. (Men being hurt by you saying they hurt you.) And so on.
It was textbook abuse, but I am hopeful and loving and it makes me a fool. Don’t be like me. Get out the first time they get angry at you for raising an issue and asking to discuss it.
I was talking to a guy on Fetlife who is married, but whose wife doesn’t know he is on there. Basically he messaged me to ask if he could come to an event, admitted that he has a wife, and said he would lie to her about coming.
He seemed to think that people on Fetlife should have no problem with cheating, (because obviously kinky people have no morals?) I was pretty offended (obviously) by that bit. So I told him:
You should tell your wife. Kinky people are not cool with infidelity.
However, let’s set the issue of morals aside. There is something else I want to talk about.
This guy said that his wife was perfectly happy in their marriage, and that she was not kinky or curious. He said she was a virgin when they got together, and she is never bored with him. He said he just knows that she adores him. But of course, he said he was bored with her, so he needed to cheat through Fetlife “to get what he needed.” That is about the point when I could feel my blood boiling up inside of me.
Obviously, I don’t know these people personally.
But, I do know the facts.
Women struggle more with monogamy than men. There is plenty of evidence that many women are more likely to report their relationship as “happy,” but that the sex is lackluster.
Sometimes women mistake a lack of sexual excitement for “falling out of love” and then mistake sexual lust for the next person they meet as “falling in love.”
No matter how you slice it, the truth is that women are just less likely to enjoy monogamy (according to science.) Even in a recent conversation with some of my vanilla girl friends, I found that they were very open to swinging or dating outside the marriage.
To sum up, more women report being bored and not feeling sexual desire than men. That is just a fact that we know, and it means that there is a higher chance that your wife is bored than you.
In fact, if you are bored, science can almost guarantee that your wife is.
So the point is: Talk to your fucking wife/girlfriend/whatever. Don’t make assumptions about how another person feels. That is never okay.
Also, when I told Cheating SOB (this guy’s screen name) that he should just talk to his wife, he asked me what he should say.
First, recognize the fact that: I don’t know your wife! You know your wife. I bet you know better how to bring things up with her!
Generic Advice:
Do some laundry. Cook. Clean. Take her to dinner. Have sex. And after sex in the dark, ask her if she ever feels like the romance is gone, or like she’s not as attracted to you as she used to be. Let her know that it is okay to be honest.
Then, ask her how she would feel about trying new things in bed that she might be interested in. Ask if she has any fantasies. (Yes, it does have to be about her if you want it to work. Keep your own shit to yourself for awhile until you do some stuff she wants.)
If you are interested in being poly, as her if she would ever consider dating someone else. Make it clear that she would date someone else first before you, so you could both see how you felt about it. Because if it is your idea, then it should be her who tries to go on dates first and her who has sex outside the marriage first.
If and only if you are both okay with that, then you can start to date.
This way it doesn’t feel like a free-for-all or a competition, but rather, a careful and considered growth in the relationship.
So what is the key to getting your spouse to try new things in bed or to open up the relationship? Make the focus on what they want instead of being a selfish ass. I think we can infer from Cheating SOB’s screen name and the fact that he is trying to hook up with people off Fetlife that he is a self-centered narcissist. But if YOU are not a self-centered narcissist, then I think this can easily work for you.
I sometimes use this blog to vent, and this is one of those times. I know first dates are difficult, and kink first dates are more complicated than most. And yet, even in a complicated subculture, I expect better than my recent meeting.
Recently I was talking with a guy off fetlife.com, and he seemed like a pretty decent human. I agreed to meet him because I hate wasting time chatting with someone for weeks on end only to find out that they are gross in person.
(In my opinion, this is an attitude that most people in their 30’s have. It’s a huge waste of time to message back and forth like teenagers while being nervous about meeting up. I just want to look people in the eyes and see if they are cool or not first thing.)
We met in a park by my house (it’s a public place so I know I am safe, but not a place where I am obligated to buy anything because I am cheap), and that was when I realized that this guy was clueless.
I mean straight-up without a damn clue.
He had only ever watched kink porn, and it was obvious that he was conflicted about actually doing a kinky thing. It was also obvious that he didn’t look at people in the scene as people; but rather as nothing more than vehicles to fulfill a fantasy that he is ashamed of.
Not only that, but he confessed after some nervous pacing that he is married, and his wife doesn’t know that he’s even into kink.
Best part: I was supposed to just be chill with all those issues.
Like I said: Clueless.
I didn’t even know where to begin in terms of saying “This really isn’t cool.” I knew it had to wait until he was not in the same place as me because his pacing made me think he could become violent.
So, I waited until we parted ways and then I sent him a message.
It would have been a public service for me to explain to him all the various things that he did wrong. On the other hand, I didn’t feel like getting into a long conversation about why you shouldn’t spend the first date only talking about what you want while pacing like a psycho.
In the message, I just told him that I wasn’t okay with the fact that he lies to his wife. (Which is true. If my husband lied to me I wouldn’t be happy at all.)
BDSM requires trust, and honesty. That definitely means that you shouldn’t lie to your wife.
However, women who are kinky are also people. No really, we are people. So we aren’t really keen to hear all about your fantasies and all your selfish wants, rather than having you ask us what we are interested in.
You know what else: noobs suck. Be a decent human being and read up on the kink community first before you waste someone’s time on a date. Learn. Read. Get a clue. Don’t go out with someone from the community when you have never been to a single kink event, don’t know anything about it, and have a bunch of issues in your head about kink because you haven’t accepted yourself yet.
And finally, don’t act like a psycho. Pacing like crazy and being unable to talk like a normal person is weird. Don’t be weird.
I bought a couch the other day off Craigslist. I went to see it, and I liked it. But I didn’t have a truck with me. So, I talked with the guy a while until I was sure I trusted him enough to leave him a down payment (so he wouldn’t sell it to someone else) while I went and got myself a way to move it.
When we talked, he told me about his wife and daughter of seven, and how his job as a pilot often took him away from them. As a military spouse, I empathized. He seemed to genuinely love his family.
A few hours later I came back to pick up the couch. I had my friend with me. She immediately recognized the guy, and then an awkward silence followed. She told me as soon as we were alone that she used to place Craigslist ads for kinky meetups, and had dated this guy for a while earlier in the year after he answered one of her ads.
So this guy spent 20 minutes earlier in the day talking about how much he missed his wife and daughter and how much he loved his family. But then I found out that he was lying to his wife and cheating on her with my friend.
I know that studies show cheating is rampant in “monogamous” relationships, but I just can’t believe how often it comes up in my life.
My husband is a sailor and most of his shipmates are married. Yet when they get to a port that isn’t their home port, most of them make a beeline for the brothels. And who knows? If I didn’t get tested every 6 months because we are in a poly relationship, maybe my husband would too. He knows he can’t- because the chance of getting an STD are so high from a prostitute, and since I get STD tests from all my partners I would know anything we got would be from him.
But if he was with a woman who was less conscious of sex and sexuality, maybe he would join his “happily married” co-workers at the brothels.
I know a lot of couples who claim to be monogamous, but there are only a few whom I would guess actually are. So many people lie about it, and so I had to think about why.
My guess is this: I think talking about sex is scary for people. I also think society forces the idea of monogamy as an ideal onto us, even though it is not our biological instinct. And I think the combination of those factors make people feel like they have to lie rather than simply admitting that one partner isn’t always enough.
This is probably why I write about polyamory so much. I want people to know that it’s okay. Having sex with people other than your partner is totally possible in a consensual way. But you have to be honest with each other. You can’t lie about it. You have to talk about it and set limits and boundaries and find your comfort zones.
I guess I hope that if I just keep writing about it, more people will be exposed to the idea and eventually it won’t be so taboo. Because right now, people are sneaking around and this is helping STDs spread, and fostering a battle of the sexes and a lot of negativity and divorce. It’s out of hand.
I hope the pilot who sold me the couch tells his wife some day that he is cheating with women off Craigslist and they work it out. I hope all the military husbands stop sleeping with hookers when they are away some day. I hope people figure out how to have sex responsibly without putting their relationships in jeopardy some day.
magicallydelicioussuperslut 