Real Names

November 16, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Facebook recently decided that everyone should have to use their “real name” on their web site. I can’t tell you how mad this made me.

When I first entered the kink scene nearly two decades ago, I was named “Lady Violet” for my Dominant nature and my purple eye shadow. I have continued using the name Violet in most instances in the kink scene.

This is due to the nature of jobs I have held where being kinky would be considered a scandal, as well as the job my husband holds which has strict rules about conduct in and outside the workplace.

Obviously, there are a great many people who have jobs that would be difficult to do under their real name. Fear of stalkers, being fired from jobs, and other concerns make adopting a “scene name” a no-brainier for a lot of people from a lot of different walks of life.

I have been asked how one chooses a “scene name,” and that is something I have precious little advice on. I legally changed my real name when I was old enough to do so (for a myriad of personal reasons) and I think that naming yourself is the hardest thing a person can do. Perhaps without realizing it, I think we are all influenced by the names that we were given. Choosing a new name is like trying to re-invent yourself. It’s not easy for everyone.

The only guidance I can offer is to pick a name that you are sure you like, because it’s very hard to change your name more than once. You have to learn to respond to something completely new, and to become accustomed to people knowing you by that name.

I know it can seem silly if you have a job that wouldn’t be damaged by knowledge of your bedroom preferences getting out. I know some people are comfortable using their real names and do not feel threatened by anyone knowing their “real identity.” They “come out” as kinky to friends, family, and co-workers. And that is totally okay too! If you prefer to use your real name, then I am proud of you for not being afraid of the consequences.

However I do highly recommend that in particular anyone who performs in the community give consideration to using a name other than the one on their birth certificates.

For me, I was happy to adopt the name Violet, and I am glad that it is passable as a real name so that it can be used on Facebook and other social media sites. I even feel like it helps me switch from “real life” to the kink mentality when I go from one name to the other. I think it helps me to get into character.

So if you are new to the scene and you are still telling people your real name, I guess I hope you’ll consider this food for thought. Obviously it is up to every person to consider what their own comfort level is, but I know that I have been happier using a scene name and writing under a pen name, and I think that there are good reasons to think about doing it when you get involved with kink.

What About Love?

April 16, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I have posted several blog entries about how poly relationships work. But I guess I mostly only talked about managing jealousy and having safe sex. I never talked about love.

A recent article a friend posted on Facebook suggested that you can only love one person at once. This is one of the two vanilla stereotypes that make me crazy. There are two:

1. You can only really love one person at once.

2. There is a ONE perfect person out there for you, and you must search for “the one” where everything just “feels right” with them.

First let’s talk about loving more than one person at once.

I love my husband and he’s currently stuck in school where I can’t be, so I have to spend a lot of time chatting with him online and making skype dates. And it’s more than that; I troll the internet searching for naked pictures of hot Asian women in bondage gear to send him. I save links to articles he would enjoy and send them to him when he wakes up. I think of him every moment of every day and I think of ways to make him happy.

I also maintain several boyfriends who are long-distance. I keep in touch with them because we dated and it was fun, but then we had to move away for work. And now we live apart, but I didn’t stop loving them and they presumably didn’t stop loving me. So we e-mail and text and keep in touch. I call these “to be continued” relationships, because if we lived in the same place, we would presumably pick up where we left off.

In addition, I have two boyfriends here in Oregon. And while neither of them are long-term material for various reasons, I can’t have lots of sex and fun moments and cool adventures with someone without growing to love them. I’m not made of stone.

I even have an ex that I am still ridiculously in love with and talk to all the time. (Yes, my husband knows.) Usually no one achieves “ex” status because I move around a lot and when I have to leave a place, I don’t stop loving the people there. You can’t break up with someone without a fight, in my opinion.

An ex involves a breakup. And Mr. Geek and I had a break up; maybe the worst one I’ve ever had. We even fought, which I don’t do with most people. And that doesn’t change how I feel at all, cuz I still love him to death and he knows it.

That is not all the relationships I am maintaining. There’s more. But, those are just the main ones. And this does not include friends, family, or the 300 Christmas cards I send every year. This doesn’t include lots of people who take up my time. I have never had sex with my drinking buddy here, but we still go out to lunch and spend lots of time together, so it still counts as a relationship that takes time to maintain.

In the article written by the judgmental vanilla guy, the claim is that you can not love more than one person at a time because really loving someone takes all the hours in a day.

Well, I have been in that kind of relationship. The kind where you ignore your family and friends and spend all your time with ONE person. You blow off girls night out and D&D (or whatever you do for fun) and you just spend all your time staring into the eyes of “the love of your life” all day. It is very unhealthy to behave in this manner. We all did it in High School and remember what happened? Remember how inconsolable you were when you broke up with your High School sweetheart?

Love like that has no balance. When one person is the focus of all your energy you become obsessive, jealous, paranoid, and delusional. Your imagination runs away with you every time they smile at another person. You worry about where they are when they are not with you. You insist that you would kill yourself if they died because you could’t live without them. This is not healthy behavior. This is High School behavior, and you’re meant to grow out of it.

Part of growing up is learning to maintain more than one relationship at once. This means you still see your friends even when you start dating someone new. You still call your mom. You still participate in your hobbies (whatever they may be.) You don’t loose yourself in every new relationship, because as you get older you learn that you need to keep your life in balance and never let one aspect of it overtake the whole.

And yes, some people never get as far as balancing more than one intimate relationship. For some, one is all they need and all they can handle. And that is okay. I am not judging that lifestyle.

But for some of us, it’s not like that. Some of us love more than one person at a time. And neither of those lifestyles is more valid or “real” than the other.

And now to say just a few words about “The One.”

This is a concept that is constantly reinforced all over society. You see it in movies and sitcoms and you hear people say it. “She wasn’t ‘The One.'” or “Well if he’s ‘The One’ you should get married.”

Look people; this is a mythical idea created by Disney and its not okay. You do not have ONE person who is the other half of you and that you must search forever to find. And when you find them it’s not going to be all magical and easy because love is hard work if you want to keep it, no matter who you are in love with. Love that lasts requires always courting the other person, and you must never stop bringing flowers and telling them that they are beautiful. You must never stop thinking of them when you are apart and finding little ways to show them you care. Because if you stop maintaining a relationship with anyone, no matter how compatible you are, it will die.

There certainly are degrees of compatibility. I am not terribly compatible with a football fan who is vanilla and doesn’t like to hike or watch geeky movies. Meanwhile, give me a goth kid who is a freak between the sheets, intelligent, and likes to ride roller coasters and I melt into a puddle on the floor. I swear I swoon every time I see Elon Musk speak. A D&D geek who builds spaceships is maybe the sexist thing on Earth!

So, you know, you are going to be more compatible with some people than with others in terms of interests and such.

And then there is chemistry. You’re going to have it with some people and not with others. Scientists speculate that it has to do with a woman’s ability to smell a good genetic match, and that “chemistry” is the feeling of someone you would make healthy babies with. That may well be a big part of chemistry. Who knows? But it’s a thing you won’t have with everyone, even if you may like the same movies and have the same interests.

So there are people you fit better with than others. And if you’re going to get married you should certainly choose the one you get along best with. I married my best friend and we have great chemistry and similar ideas about the world, as well as a few common interests. We have great conversations and we’re able to reason through rough patches without fighting.

But that doesn’t mean that I am going to build it up in my head and say that my husband is ‘The One’ because that is nonsense.

Here’s what you do; you pick someone and you say “I want you.”

That’s all.

There’s no big secret and no one person that is perfect for you. You just pick a person and you decide to make it work with them, and then you do.

Maybe those of us in the BDSM community are farther removed from the Disney ideals. I don’t know. But my friends know this stuff, and it isn’t until I watch a sitcom or talk to some vanilla folks that I even remember this stuff is out there.

So please, can we just admit that love, with anyone, needs to be maintained to last? And if you really love more than one person, you can put in that maintenance. It really is that simple.

Kink Evolution

February 15, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Kinky very well might just be the way a person is. It has always seemed that way to me. But ideas that excite us do not always stay static. We all start somewhere, and usually we sort of change bit by bit over time. Most of us start out with simple things. Basic restraints and maybe a blindfold. Some teasing with a feather or maybe even a little novelty flogger.

Most sex shops sell some kind of BDSM starter kit these days, because of the popularity of books dealing with the subject. And of course, household items like kimono ties and karate belts are good starting items.

Over time though, we often get into more complicated stuff. Because most of us that are into BDSM are just addicted to excitement, and to variety and experiences.

A Dom of mine who I adored as a Dom has evolved into more of a Sadist. This is a natural progression for a lot of people. As someone who is not a Masochist, I am ever so slightly disappointed. But I accept it, because I understand that he was bound to evolve.

I think everyone changes over time.

Where a blindfold was once all you needed, maybe a rope suspension starts to seem like a good idea too. And little by little, we wander father and father down the rabbit hole.

I know lots of people who started out saying, “Oh, I’d never play with hooks in my skin.” And before too long, they ended up part of a “hookers” group like suspension merriment. (Yes, that video is taken in a backyard. There aren’t a lot of venues that let hookers work there, and since Suspension Merriment is based out of Arizona, there is never weather to worry about anyway.)

Things that started out as hard limits become soft limits, and then over time they even become things you enjoy.

Kink is all relative. After all, I know vanilla couples who think that anal sex is kinky. To most of us, anal sex is tame, but anal hooks and butt plugs are sort of exciting.

So how do you deal with it when a partner of yours evolves and you don’t?

Well, this is where you find yourself either learning to like new things, or setting limits for them in play. And this is also why polyamory is a good idea in the kink world, because it’s very hard to find someone that matches up 100% with all your kinks. It’s hard to get everything you could ever want from just one person. (Though I’m not saying it is impossible.)

My toy bag has grown a lot over the years to include new and different things. I think that is pretty normal, according to what I have seen.

The real key is constant communication. Always figure out a way to express your needs. If you can’t do it in person (too shy or something) then try writing e-mails or letters. I prefer in-person myself, but because people can be shy, I also accept written scene ideas. I do prefer paper-and-pen letters to e-mail though, because we all know Google and the NSA are reading our electronic correspondence.

Anyway find a way to talk to your partners or partners and tell them what you need. And if you can try new things and evolve together, that’s always best.

Of Ginger Bread and Holiday Cheer

December 23, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

This is my first ever ginger bread house

In my life, I have planned a lot of kink events. I am currently trying to organize a play party during my upcoming trip to South Korea (as an example.) And from fetish proms to munches, it’s often hard to figure out how to entertain people.

Well Friday I went to a fetlife munch in Portland where we made ginger bread houses. I missed America (it is my home after all!) And I really missed American holidays. I can not tell you how exciting it has been to be here for carving a pumpkin on Halloween, eating turkey on Thanksgiving, and now making a ginger bread house for Christmas.

This is not to say that Chuseok and Lunar New Year weren’t fun. They were. Korean holidays are lovely and there are beautiful cultural experiences to be had all over the world. But in the end, there really is no place like home for the holidays.

Anyway, this was one of the cooler munches I have been to and I thought it was a really awesome idea, so I had to share. Maybe others will see this post and get inspired to throw their own ginger bread house munch someday.

Happy Holidays to all the kinksters out there!

All the pretty houses together

Genders

December 15, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

My friend shared a story about genders which got me thinking.

At the few Portland kink events I have been to there have been a lot of gender neutral people there. The first job I took here I worked with a person whose chosen name was Robin and who was trying to transition into a female.

In some places, this is acceptable behavior. Portland, New York, and a few of the more liberal places on Earth allow people to be more flexible about gender.

That’s good, in my opinion, as two genders isn’t enough to describe everyone.

I am a guy. I mean, my body is female and all. But in my head I am and always have been a guy. There are actually structural differences between male and female brains. I am not being sexist. The genders really are different. And nothing about the inside of my head is female.

However, I would never choose to transition.

At first I thought I might feel that way because I grew up in conservative places like Arizona where it wasn’t socially acceptable. But over time I have realized that even in liberal places where it would be socially okay to transition; I wouldn’t make that choice.

This is nothing against people who do make the choice. I’m not saying they are wrong, and I’m not saying they aren’t brave.

All I am saying is; I’m not one of them any more than I am a normal girl. I am something else. And there aren’t words in English to describe it.

The Navajo have four different genders and maybe growing up near their reservation influenced me. But I think I agree with the article my friend shared. There are more than two genders. It’s nice that the kink community embraces this.

Variety is the Spice of Life

December 7, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I was reading a blog on NPR about race preferences in dating. The claim is that men favor Asian women, and women favor white men.

I had never really given the subject much thought before. If the stats say it’s true, then I suppose it probably is. But I would guess this is less prevalent in the kink community.

I dated a black girl who looked amazing in vinyl and had the softest hair. I dated a blonde, because every now and then you need a blonde. I’ve been with Mexican girls, a Malaysian girl, European girls, and I even had sex with a hooker in Thailand. (This is just to name a few, because as my blog name implies, my sexual history is a very long list.) And the only thing I can promise you is that race never really entered into it. I love a kinky, attractive girl. But I never stopped at Club Desire in Seoul and thought “Boy, I am glad this sex club is all Korean women.”

The reason I think this is true is that for folks in the community, kink is the biggest factor. Is someone kinky? Great! That makes them attractive. Does their kink match ours? Super! Now they’re more attractive! And race is just so far down the list of deciding factors that it never actually enters into the decision.

But I want to know, by private message or comment on this blog; do you think this study applies to you? Do you agree with the idea that attraction is subconsciously and inherently racist?

Because I think those of us in the kink community are less racist than the general population would seem to be.

Portland Kink Event

November 30, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Recently I went to a Portland kink event called R.A.C.K.

I parked on a street nearby and it was a bit of a walk to the bar where the event was being held. Normally in such a circumstance, I would bring a bag and change at the club. One does not walk down the street in most cities in thigh-high vinyl boots, after all.

However, I had been promised that Portland was different. I had been promised that Portland was weird. So, I walked to the event dressed in thigh-high vinyl boots, a vinyl mini-skirt, and a top I had custom made while I was in Thailand. To the credit of all Portlandians, no one gave me a sideways glance. I was impressed.

Keep in mind, the Pacific Northwest is a unique place where freaks and geeks and all the weirdos of the night are welcome. I honestly had trouble telling it was Halloween, since it just looked like any old day in Portland.

To many, this will sound strange. Certainly my time in LA was dominated by preppy kids giving me dirty looks, and in Texas a man refused to sell me gas once based on my clothes. A cop in Scottsdale, Arizona once took my keys and my license plate on trumped up charges (which were dismissed in court) just to teach me a lesson for being “some kind of fucked up freak.” In Seoul, Korea one does not walk around in vinyl, even if it is Halloween. And freaky as Bangkok is supposed to be, they’re just not kinky there. I even went to what was supposed to be a very edgy show in Paris, which was quite tame and vanilla.

My point is, nowhere I have ever been can a person walk down the street dressed as a Dominatrix and not merit some kind of reaction.

Whatever else I have to say about Portland, I love them for being the sort of people that just don’t give a fuck what you think looks cool or what you do for fun.

I went to the event and found it was at a bar that was not closed to the public. Normal patrons mixed with (and seemed totally unaffected by) a large group of people who set up a St. Andrew’s cross, a table, and a violet wand. Spankings, whippings, and electrocutions commenced without an eyelid batted by the non-kink folks in the bar. And also, nudity seems legal here because no one batted at eye at that either.

My companion for the evening was casually unimpressed and informed me that Deccon X (and event on the last Sunday of the month here) is much better. At some point, I will have to find out. In the meantime, I was impressed and amused by the community here, and how little anyone cares that they do things in public.

Honestly, the lack of taboo makes it ever so slightly less erotic than it was before, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t feel good to walk with my head held high and not have anyone harass me just for being me.

24/7 Play

November 4, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

A rather cute couple

I recently got asked about the difference between 24/7 play and “only in the bedroom” play. So, thought I’d write a quick post about it.

First, I should mention that most of the couples I know fall somewhere in the middle. That is to say, you do not have to be exclusively one or the other. I think it happens in most couples that one person tends to lead and one person tends to follow.

I should also note that those roles are not always the same as a person’s BDSM roles. I know of lot of submissives who are very authoritative outside of the bedroom, and I know a lot of Dommes who are very easy-going and agreeable outside of the bedroom. So real-life roles and BDSM roles are not always the same.

But let’s skip the stories about CEOs who end up in a dungeon begging a girl in thigh-high boots to spank them. That is most certainly a thing, but it is not the subject of today’s post.

So BDSM “only in the bedroom” means just that. You walk out of the bedroom and become two individuals on even footing, with no power dynamic at play. That’s easy to understand.

Where it gets complicated is in a 24/7 power exchange. I think when people ask about the difference between BDSM in the bedroom and all the time, what they really want to know is how a 24/7 relationship works.

A 24/7 power exchange means that a couple finds ways to work BDSM into every aspect of their lives. The submissive will have a collar to wear in pubic. Something simple that does not attract unwanted attention. And their Dom or Domme will tell them things they must do each day, such as writing assignments (explore a scene you want to play in an e-mail to me), forced masturbation (you will masturbate until you orgasm in the bathroom at work,) etc…

A subtle collar, like a sub would wear in a public setting

I have no opinion on which is better. I know some people who have gotten far too into a 24/7 exchange and lost their own identity for a time, but it seems to me that they enjoyed it. The biggest drawbacks that I see are when a break-up happens. That is why I think leather families are so important, as well as having protectors and people who look out for you. It seems to me that there is no relationship harder to leave than a 24/7 power exchange.

I am not currently in any. I have been, but I generally choose to keep my kink to the bedroom. In real life, I want someone to tell me where they want to eat and what they want to do. I want them to offer opinions and challange me intellectually. I am not saying those things can’t happen in a 24/7 exchange. I am sure they can! But they never have for me. All the 24/7 exchanges I have been in involved a person who gave their will over to me, to the point of expecting me to pick out their clothes for the day and keep track of what they ate. It as a lot of work, and unlike some Dommes, I did not get off on having that much control.

Each couple must choose for themselves what they think is best. But remember people; safe, sane, and consensual. A good Domme never looses sight of the well-being of their submissives, and always protects their free will, while keeping their best interests at heart. If you’re going to be a Domme, be a good one who cares deeply for your submissive and makes sure they are always okay, and never too lost in you to know what is best for themselves.

A Very Personal Update

September 23, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Passport, and money!

I might be writing this more for myself than for you. My thoughts are less ordered than they usually are, due to a lot of major life-changes that happened all at once. I need to straighten out my head.

First, I live in Portland Oregon now. It is a wonderful city and I really enjoy it. It also gives e a chance to be near someone I have been dating for more than 10 years, and I am really enjoying that. He’ll hate me for this- but I’m going to refer to him as “Mr. Pretty” because of a nickname from when we were much younger people.

He and I didn’t start out kinky. At first, it was just a very passionate relationship between two people who had everything in common, while having none of the same characteristics. We grew up in small towns only a few miles apart. We both moved to the same desert and lived through our teen years there. We always ran in the same circles, and we even got matching tattoos at one point. Of course, we are nothing alike in terms of personality. He’s shy, socially awkward, and more capable with machines than with relationships. I’m out-going, popular, and great at relationships.

We have loved each other our whole adult lives, and adding kink to things only made it more exciting. Having him close to me makes everything better, because moving to a new place and a new part of the country is a huge change. It is smoothed over a lot by having someone here to cuddle up to and love.

From a trip Mr. Pretty and I took for my birthday.

Second, I had to move away from my very favorite Pet. He and I are two of a kind with the same views on monogamy, sex in general, relationships, and everything else. We have a really great bond, in terms of things we have in common and basically the same personality (with a few tweaks here and there.)

I was very excited to spend 6 weeks in South Korea with him this summer, visiting Club Desire and going to Fetish Play Parties with our friends. I wish I could have stayed, but circumstances won’t allow us to even think about living together for another year. And that’s okay. He’s in my chat window every day, and I know that some connections are too deep to be broken by time and space. I look forward to our future adventures.

Love lanterns in Korea

Third, I am living with the family of someone I dated 2 years ago when I was in Korea, and who I wrote about previously as Mr. Bond. Being here, in his old room, I think of him every day when I wake up and every night when I fall asleep. Our relationship wasn’t that long, and it was ages ago, But… some things really haunt you.

Our first date was more than a day long. We met at a bar, in a nice public setting. We talked for hours before moving to a quieter and move private hookah lounge, and then eventually to my house. Most of my first dates don’t end at my place-but the really good ones do!

I’ll never forget that feeling of instant connection and instant emotion. I’ll never forget how happy I was, or how devastated I was when he moved to Georgia right after my birthday two years ago. For letting me borrow his family, and for being such an intense moment in my life, I will forever be grateful to Mr. Bond. I think I’ll always be in love with him.

At the family’s beach house in Seaside. I love living with them.

And then there’s my ex. All of the boys above are people I wouldn’t describe as “exes” because I am still in love with them and we never broke up or fought. But my ex and I are a whole other kettle of fish. We broke up, and I slunk away to Asia with my tail between my legs. It really messed my world up for a little bit.

So he asks if we can go to dinner when I move back to the United States. And dinner turns into hanging out, which turns into a road trip up the entire West Coast. And it turns out he’s changed about as much as a person can. I will respect his privacy, but I must say that the whole “people don’t change” thing is bullshit. Some people change into a COMPLETELY different person, and Mr. Ex did that.

It used to be that I hung out with him because I got to hear about the latest in Science and Engineering from him and the other guys working at his lab. I am a science geek to the extreme and being around so many smart people was blissful. But Mr. Ex was an uptight person with about a million personal hangups. And now he’s a great guy. Some changes were big enough that I know we’ll never date again, but I think I made a friend this summer that I will have for the rest of my life, and I am happy about that.

There is nothing in the whole world like an American Road Trip…

Then of course, there were the girls. I got to see my Pretty Little Princess, to fuck several girls at Club Desire, and to have sex with a very sweet girl we’ll call Darling Nicky. I enjoyed the hell out of all the women who let me play with them this summer, but it did inspire me to write about how women are too self-conscious. I stand by that. Maybe my wording wasn’t perfect or I rambled too much in that post. But the point remains: women needs to learn not to seek validation in being skinny or having the perfect body. Sure, those things are nice, but it’s not all that matters.

Random amusing things I saw this summer…

So now I am settling in to a new life and a new job that will last at least a year. I am back in the Untied States for the time being, and I am enjoying speaking my native language and learning some new stuff.

This summer was too intense to really sum up in a single post. I should give shouts out to my brother in Korea and to all the people who helped me along the way with places to stay, company, and great parties. I added a few new stamps to my passport, tore apart the drive train on a car, and really just did a crazy amount of cool things that I may never get around to writing about. But the things I really want you all to take away from this is: Thank you! To all of you who love me and help make my life the awesome adventure that it is, I am so much more grateful than you will ever know. You guys make my life so wonderful, and I hope you all know how much I care.

Peace and love to you all.

Portland

August 24, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

My summer was full of travel in the form of road trips and overseas flights. I saw cool places, had sex with awesome people, and all-in-all it was a great summer.

However, it’s time to settle down. It’s time to pick a place and stay for awhile. I’m pulling up a patch of the universe and calling it home. And that patch of the Universe is Portland, Oregon in the USA.

I’ve only just arrived. I haven’t had time to go to a munch yet or check out one of the many sex clubs that Portland is meant to have. Hell, I have barely had the chance to hang my clothes up in my new closet!

If you are from Portland or you are living there now, please feel free to suggest cool places and cool things to do. I am all ears.

After some very tropical weather in Korea and a terrible dry heat in the desert, I admit that I this 70 degree weather in Portland is all I can think about right now. It’s so fucking pretty outside that I can hardly stand it!

So my first adventures out of the house where to Oxbow Park and Eagle Creek, and various other forest trips.

But if you just give me a week or two to enjoy the amazing weather, I promise to get serious about meeting the folks in the kink scene here.

I’ll get to the kink scene right after this next hiking trail…

magicallydelicioussuperslut

I want to do things to you that you'll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Tag Archives: kink