Tag Archives: kink

My Favorite Fetish: Making Dreams Real

by

2



I’ve always loved to imagine.

I grew up reading Lord of the Rings, the Drizzt Do’Urden series, and lots of other fantasy. Even before that, my parents met at Berkley at a first addition Dungeons and Dragons (D&D) quest. Imagination is in my blood.

As for sex, I remember figuring out how to masturbate when I was five. Sex and orgasms are an important part of my life and who I am.

It makes sense that I’d want to combine my two favorite things:

Fantasy + Sex = Magically Delicious.

They don’t even have to be my fantasies. I like to take other people’s fantasies and make them real, too. For people I love, making their dreams into truth is one of my very favorite things on Earth.


I learned a few years ago that not everyone sees things inside their heads. Some people can’t re-live experiences in perfect clarity or picture new scenarios and then live them in their minds. There’s a graphic that went around the internet with apples that explains it. That’s actually how I found out that my adopted mom has aphantasia.


As for me, I see things in my head better than I see them in real life. Maybe this is why it’s so easy for me to imagine turning fantasies into reality. I feel like all our fetishes have some explanation behind them, be it childhood issues, subconscious needs, or just the shape of our own minds. I think the shape of my mind -being so visual- leads to me trying to imagine things and then bring those fantasies to life.

Whatever the reason, my favorite memories are of taking a fantasy and turning it into a real-life experience. My ex-husband didn’t appreciate this at all and kept his fantasies secret from me after we got married (forcing me to try to guess what they were). But for those who have been open and told me what they wanted, I have made their dreams come true.

The internet has made this much easier. Now, you can just write about a fantasy that you have, and people will volunteer to get involved (if you’re a good writer). In the past, you really had to search for the right people to play out certain scripts. I am so grateful for the internet.

And hey, thank you to all you kinky folks for being out there in the world. I feel less alone knowing you’re there.

How to Talk About Sex

by

2



When I plan a scene with a person or people whom I do not know well, I use kink negotiation forms. They have boxes to check for things you agree to and do not agree to, blanks to write in ideas, and more. Find an example here. This is good because miscommunication often leads to bad sex, and no one wants to have bad sex.

However, once you get into a long-term relationship, you will probably move away from forms and try to talk to each other about sex without ink and paper being involved.

First, let me start with what my ex-husband did because it’s good to start with what NOT to do.

I would try to bring up a new thing I wanted to try.

Me: “I was thinking that I’d really like to do a role-play scene for my birthday this year.”

Him: “No. I don’t do role play.”

Me: “Well, we can talk about who the characters would be. I’m not saying it has to be anything specific. I just thought we could try being different people.”

Him: “I’m not talking about this. I said no. Respect my boundary.”

End of conversation.

Many of you will point out how he is misusing the language of consent by setting a boundary that subjects cannot be discussed, rather than setting a healthy boundary on something after discussing it. That’s true. But, we won’t spend too much time going into all the issues with his side of the dialog. That’s not the point.

The point is: How could this have gone better?

As I tried to explain to him, it’s not okay to dismiss something out-of-hand before letting your partner explain themselves. There are a lot of reasons for this:

• If you do not let your partner explain what they are asking for in detail first, then they will walk away feeling unheard and disrespected.

• If you create resentment in your partner due to refusing them without hearing them out, they may express that resentment by saying “no” to you in the future, so keep in mind that relationships are about TWO people, not just one.

• If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might find that you are into it after all.

To go back to the ex-husband example:

 Once I asked him if we could try upside-down throat fucking. He immediately said no and refused to discuss it further. I went on a rant about feeling disrespected and unheard, and about how hurtful it was to always be refused when I asked for things. This made him silent, because when he was mad, he would refuse to talk at all and instead would just glare at me. Usually I gave up, but this time I kept talking. I said:

“Look, you probably said no before even thinking it through because from your point of view it seems like something to degrading to do to your wife. All I’m asking is that you consider it from my point of view. I don’t hang out in my own head when I’m having sex because I’m a non-op transsexual. I jump into your head. I have my eyes closed, and I am seeing the scene from your point of view. So, I’m asking you to do something that I want to do to a woman with the dick that I was supposed to have. I think it’s hot because it’s something a woman can’t possibly enjoy. There are no nerves there to give pleasure. There isn’t any clit to stimulate. It’s hot because it’s only for your pleasure and the woman is just being used like an object; a human fleshlight. All I’m saying is, I was born in a female body, but unfortunately, I was also born with the mind of a pretty gross guy. I’m not proud of it, but it’s something that I want. And I just thought you might be able to enjoy the fantasy with me.”

At the time, he sat there in stony silence, quietly hating me for pushing him to discuss things and care what I wanted. However, later I found that he’d been watching a bunch of porn about upside-down throat fucking. It became a fetish of his because I described it in a way that made it sound hot. Now, he continued to pretend that it was gross and refuse to do it with me, but that’s just because my ex-husband is basically the biggest douchebag on Earth.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it’s an example of bullet point three: If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might end up finding it hot after all.

I married my ex because he never said “no” to anything, and he was always up for new adventures. Once he had me trapped in marriage, he began to refuse any new things or anything fun. I have no idea why. I hope he works through that with his therapist or something. But, little-by-little, he became a completely different person after the wedding, and it was not the person I married.

Saying ‘no’ is pretty cruel when someone works up the nerve to ask for a secret sexy desire. And -while I apologize for lacing this post with my own post-marriage trauma- it’s relevant because what he did really hurt me. Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut. I have made a living for much of my life from writing kink erotica, hitting people for money, and throwing fetish proms. Sex is a huge part of who I am. And yet, even I feel shy when asking a new person for a new thing. It’s putting yourself out there and taking a risk, and being slapped down hurts all the way to the depths of your soul.

So don’t say ‘no.’ Say things like this instead:

• I’m curious to know what about that appeals to you. Would you be willing to tell me about it?

• I’d like to know more about how you visualize that working with us. Can you describe your vision?

• Can you tell me why I might enjoy this fetish?

 Even if you end up not being into the idea, you don’t have to say ‘no.’ My husband liked to say things like: ‘Absolutely not,’ or ‘There is no universe where I would be okay with that.’ Outright refusal is for assholes. Instead, try things like:

• I appreciate you sharing this with me. I’m not feeling it tonight, but let me think about it and do more research.

• I can see that this is important to you. Can you send me some links to some videos of it so I can try to get interested, too?

• I’m not sure if that would be safe for me. I would like to talk with my doctor about it and see what she says, and then I’ll get back to you.

• I won’t say ‘no’ because I know it took courage to ask; but is it okay if I say ‘not right now’ and give it some more thought on my own?

I once saw a meme where a guy is sitting at a computer and he clicks on a link to a porn video. He says: “That is sick! Who the fuck would be into that?” Then it has two frames of him just starring at the screen. In the final panel he says” “Oh shit, I guess I’m into that.” All I’m saying is, you might look into it and realize you are willing to give it a try.

I remember when I first thought about fisting. I have tokophobia (probably wrapped up in being trans,) and so I was instantly turned off by the idea because it was too close to the idea of giving birth.

However, I dated a guy who was amazing with his tongue and used to see how many times he could get me to orgasm in a night. It was like a fetish of his or something. He enjoyed getting me off, and he was good at it. Around the third or forth orgasm he would start putting fingers inside. One, then two, then three… until eventually his whole hand was inside me. He never exactly asked if he could, but then again, I was in too much ecstasy to protest. It reminds me of that old joke:

Her: “I’m not interested. I’m completely straight. I like men.”

Me: “Honey, you are spaghetti. You’re straight until you get hot and wet.”

I realize that sounds a little rapey -and I assure you I only ever said it to tease my good friends- but there is truth to it. Lots of things seem gross when you’re not turned on, but seem less gross after a few orgasms. And, if you have someone who is gifted with their tongue, that can make a lot of things seem less disgusting than you originally thought.

My ex husband said ‘no’ to a lot of things in more than a decade of marriage, and I don’t believe that any of them were fair. Most of them cost me a lot to ask for. After all, I have more than the average amount of shame wrapped up in sex and genitals since I have the wrong ones. (I always tell men: If you’re attracted to me then you’re at least little bit gay because I’m a guy.)

He said ‘no’ to trying romantic sex where we looked into each other’s eyes. He said ‘no’ to anal sex. He said ‘no’ to role-playing. He said ‘no’ to switching roles and topping me once in a while. He said ‘no’ to a MMF threesome. Etc… etc… etc…

I carry a lot of pain from how shitty he was. Some of it is wrapped up in refusing to have conversations about things or seek solutions to problems. Some of it is in how controlling he was. Some of it is in how lazy and mean he was. But the two biggest things that hurt me was:

• Saying ‘no’ to everything I wanted to try in bed.

• Harassing me for dressing up at home and bullying me into buying pajamas; which is not a thing I ever owned before I met him.

Some would say that the wrecking my cars drunk and having secret debt was worse. To each their own, I guess. But I know what hurt me the most, and I’m telling you from experience: Don’t just refuse to talk about things your partner wants to do in bed. It’s cruel.

Don’t Make Assumptions; Ask For What You Want

by

0


This post is going to start with a tale of two rape fantasies (called “Consent Non-Consent” or “CNC” scenes). Trigger warning for anyone who might not want to proceed, because this content will get a little upsetting.

Snake Boy:

I dated a guy whose name I won’t use, but we’ll call him “Snake Boy” because he had a ball python (a normal pet in some places, but an odd choice where we were in South Korea).

Snake Boy asked me if we could do a rape scene. No one had ever asked me before, but I don’t shy away from trying new things so I said that I’d be happy to try if it. He didn’t give me any porn to watch to explain what he wanted, nor did he give me examples of the things he thought this would entail. He asked for a rape scene, and I agreed.

I asked Snake Boy to go outside and come back in sneakily, and I would pretend to be asleep. This way I could secretly enjoy one of my kinks (being fucked awake) while he enjoyed one of his.

When he snuck up to my bedroom, grabbed me, and penetrated me, I did exactly what some women reading this will recognize and understand: I held very still and cried quietly.

Some of the men reading this need more explanation, I know.

Basically, it goes like this: One in four women admit to being raped. The other three are probably just too ashamed to admit it. There are a lot of men out there who rape women. Don’t get upset. It’s just a fact. It’s not one guy doing it all. It’s a lot of them. And -while I’m not saying you are one of these men- if your ‘go to’ move is to get offended, then maybe you should look at that.

Women have learned through hard life experience that if you are raped, the best thing to do is to stay quiet and not fight. Women who fight get beaten and killed. I was actually beaten nearly to death and dumped in a dry riverbed to die when I was sixteen years old, and it was because I fought back.

Therefore, if you want to live, you stay very quiet and try not to move until it’s over. Maybe you even say something about how you enjoyed it so that you have a better chance of getting away. Men are much more likely to kill you if they think you will press charges. But if you say: “I’ve always wanted to do this” or something else that makes them feel safe, you’ll get away.

This is complicated by the fact that most men who rape you are ‘nice guys’ who you know, and that means you’ll see them again. The worst is when they assume that because they raped you, that means you are now their girlfriend. If you’re Autistic like me, this may lead to some very complicated situations in which you try to get the guy to go away because you know they are a dangerous rapist, but they keep following you around calling you their girlfriend.

One guy -we’ll call him ‘Roach’ because he reminded me of a cockroach- dragged me from the bathroom where I had been throwing up to his bedroom and raped me even though I said ‘no’ and tried to push him away while nearly passed out on the floor with puke on my clothes and face. The next day he started calling me his girlfriend and bought me a card where he hand-wrote a note about how special I was. And they say women play mind games.

Anyway, Snake Boy was very upset after the scene and told me: “That wasn’t a rape scene. You didn’t even struggle. Why would you think that is what I meant by rape?”

The audacity of these motherfuckers, you know? What a jerk.

But let’s move on to the second rape scene with The Vampire. No, he wasn’t Goth. It’s just that Twilight came out the same year I met him and his name was Edward, so I teased him mercilessly about his name and asked him why he didn’t sparkle in the sunlight. He’s dead now so I could use his real name, but I’m going to stick with The Vampire because it makes me laugh.

The Vampire asked for a rape scene, and then gave me a jump drive with a bunch of porn on it. He also rented a hotel room for the scene, and dressed up in black clothes and a black ski mask. See, he told me exactly what he wanted, gave a convincing back story about being a hotel employee who saw me check in and wanted me, and dressed the part. It was very sexy.

This time, I threw myself into the role as it was explained to me. I acted just like the girls in the movies he’d given me, with a lot of theatrical struggling and yelling.

It was exactly what The Vampire wanted, but he should have given the hotel staff a heads up or rented a bigger suite, I guess. That scene was interrupted by the cops. Huge props to someone for thinking a woman was being attacked, actually calling the cops about it. Huge props to the cops for actually responding to such a call, in spite of the statistics (they rarely respond and almost never press charges for actual rapes).

My point is: You cannot assume that someone knows what you want.

Snake Boy made a few assumptions that he should not have made, including assuming that I had never been raped before in real life, and assuming that I watched porn (which at the time I still did not). We can fake the reality to impersonate porn, but reality -left to its own devices- is almost never like porn. There are silly moments, tender moments, and all sorts of other things that porn leaves out. And obviously, some things are portrayed in a fantasy way because the real thing is not very sexy at all.

There is one thing that makes me happy about these two scenes when I look back. I’m glad that Snake Boy was disappointed by me acting the way most women actually act when they are raped. That means most rapists probably don’t enjoy it very much, and I’m glad if that’s true.


Things You’ll Be Ashamed to Talk About in the Morning

by

0



There’s a tagline I have at the bottom of this blog:

“I want to do things you’ll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.”

This can sound fun to some people, or upsetting to others. However, I want to talk a little bit about what I actually mean when I say it.

Sometimes men watch porn or go to a sex club and see a woman doing something they feel is “gross,” and they will say: “How shameful! She clearly doesn’t respect herself.”

Aside from the fact that these guys tend to have a lot of latent homosexual feelings, there is also an inherent assumption that certain sex acts are incompatible with self-worth.

Guys, when I say you’ll be ashamed to talk about it in the morning, it’s supposed to be a joke. I’m not trying to push your boundaries or make you do things you don’t want to do. I’m not trying to make anyone hate themselves, and I don’t agree with those who are judgmental about what other folks are into. I’m just making a joke about how society at large feels that you’re supposed to be ashamed of sex, and anything you desire. I know a girl who felt so much shame about her own body that she didn’t masturbate until she was in her late 20’s and already had four kids.  I think that’s unhealthy, and I think shame is unhealthy. My tagline is meant to openly mock the concept of shame.

That said: I also want to remind folks that you don’t know what is going on inside another person’s head. You don’t know why they are doing what they are doing. That’s why judging them is extra ridiculous. And -if you’re honest- I think you can admit that most judgment is actually rooted in jealousy.

Maybe it’s not that the woman having anal sex at the club doesn’t respect herself. Maybe it’s that you want a guy to do that to you, and you’re afraid you won’t respect yourself if you have sex with a man.

Keep an open mind, and don’t be ashamed of who you are or what you want.

We Are the Weirdos, Mister

by

0

The fetish community is made up of so many different kinds of people. Society at large would probably call us freaks, but I like to think that we are a tolerant bunch (at least within our community).

Something I have always said -which I stole from the iconic Jay Wiseman- is:

“Your kink is not my kink and that’s okay.”

If you are a White guy who likes to sleep with Black women (or men) because of some plantation fantasy, then I will let you do your thing without any commentary from me. If you are a woman who likes to pretend to be a child and have sex with adults, have at it. I admit that -for me personally- things like diapering are a real turn-off. But if it’s what you want to do, then you should do it.

One thing I have noticed over the years is that there are some trends. Many people figure out they are kinky and they want to start with fuzzy handcuffs and stuff. As they get deeper and deeper into the community, they start doing weirder and weirder things to try to get the same rush they felt the first time. Soon they find themselves watching octopus porn on some obscure website on the dark web, because they can’t get off unless they watch a woman have a live octopus shoved up inside her.

This is -perhaps- the one good thing about Artificial Intelligence. In modern porn, you know that no octopi were harmed because computer generated pictures and video are cheaper and easier than finding a woman willing to do it with an octopus.

That’s just a random example dating back to a visit to Bangkok where I was handing a brothel menu with things like “smoking pussy” and “eels in pussy” on it. Stay weird, Thailand. Stay weird.

My point is, people often fall down those holes into the extremely weird. Sometimes it happens over the course of years. Sometimes it happens overnight.

Then, in time, people often come around to realizing that the fun part about kink is actually enjoying your fellow odd ducks getting off on whatever they are into. Maybe it’s just some light dirty talk.

“Oh master, fuck me harder. I’m going to cum!”

Maybe it’s being blindfolded so you don’t know what is coming.

You realize it doesn’t have to be weirder than last time. It just has to be savored. Whatever play you are engaging in, you just have to commit to your role and enjoy the uniqueness of that specific experience.

Anyway, we are the weirdos.

I’m just pointing out a trend I see which makes me feel like we really aren’t that weird. We just like to have interesting experiences, and I’ll never understand why there is a stigma attached to that.

Remembering Who The Fuck I Am

by

0

The last decade I was married to a narcissistic control freak.

At first, it was little things that should have been red flags, but I was too in love to see them.

Example: I said that I wanted to try role-play, and he said no. Not just no, but an outright refusal to discuss why he said no. It was the casual brutality of it that should have alerted me to an problem. He could have said he’d think about it or asked to hear more. He didn’t. He just said no, and became furious when I wanted to discuss it further.

Example: I threw a kink party and he spent the entire night flirting with someone else. He ignored me when I tried to talk to him, and did not check in with me at all. When I tried to discuss it after the fact, he said that I was making him feel bad about himself and I needed to stop trying to shame him for his behavior. No discussion of how to solve the problem in the future, no explanation of why he behaved that way, and no promises to be more mindful.

Example: He would sit for hours on dating apps talking to people while we were supposed to be hanging out. Not while he was in line at the grocery store or on a smoke break at work, but like, while we were watching TV together and were supposed to be snuggling. I said it made me feel bad and that I thought he should find better times to try to meet women. He refused to discuss it and said he had to no other time to meet women so I shouldn’t have an issue with it.

You can see the pattern. He refused to discuss things. He shut down conversations that needed to be had, and he tried to argue me out of my feelings.

The year that we dated he was attentive, thoughtful, and kind. He never said “no” to trying new things in bed, and acted brave even his first time at a sex club.

As soon as we got married, his behavior changed. He began to snoop through my things, try to track my phone, and disrespect me. I thought he was having trouble adjusting because his parents are bad people who are abusive to each other, so I tried to give him space and understanding. I showed compassion and tried to have conversations about his feelings. He just kept shutting them down.

For a few years, I went into “fuck it” mode and just had fun. If he wouldn’t talk then at least we could have sex and drink. I made dinner at night, made cocktails for dessert, and we had a lot of sex. I mean, I wanted to have a healthy relationship where we discussed things, but I also only have so much energy and I thought if I gave him time and set a good example by being a loving and communicative spouse, that he would eventually pick up the hints.

Eventually, I tried again to talk about things. He would always follow the same pattern:

• Try to argue me out of my feelings.
• Yell at me for making him feel bad.
• Bully me once I became overwhelmed and cried.

Eventually he started telling me that he hated me and that I should kill myself, but since he would always apologize the next day, I found myself torn. He was clearly getting worse instead of better. I should leave. But, I loved him and I had become attached to the pets he insisted we get and the garden he pushed me to grow for them. Comfort does count for a lot. I figured when he got out of the military, he would get into therapy and get better. I thought we could get back to the way things were the first year when he said “yes” to everything. I thought we’d be best friends again.

Instead, he became wildly abusive and eventually physically violent. It took having a tooth knocked out for me to finally get the picture and leave.

I am ashamed that I stayed for so long.

Sure, I had my boyfriends and saw a cute girl for a few years. I had my comets that came around every so often for sex. In the poly lifestyle, we always have more people around to lift us up when one partner is dragging us down. But, I should have given up sooner. I regret the years I spent trying to help him when he clearly didn’t want help.

And that’s the point I want to make: People who shut down conversations are bad people. Discussion is essential to any healthy partnership. Communication is key.

I won’t forget again.


So You’re Monogamous

by

0

screen_shot_2019-01-19_at_3.08.46_pm

In the kink community, there is this pressure to be polyamorous. I think this is because it’s really hard to find someone who can be everything you want when you have a lot of kinks.

For example, I am a switch. I know I mostly write from the perspective of a Domme, but I have switched in the past. I just can’t do it with the same person. If I dominate someone, I’m not going to then turn around and submit to them. It’s just not comfortable in my brain.

Don’t bother telling me that this speaks to some deep-seeded issue. We all have issues, and not all of them can (or even need to be) worked out. If your life works the way it is and you are happy, then don’t change a thing.

Now, in most of my relationships, I’m the Domme. But every now and then, I’ll find someone who clicks with me just right, and I’ll be willing to be a submissive. That submissive relationship won’t satisfy me completely because I’m still 99% Domme, so it can’t be my only relationship.

japanese-cosplayer-human-cat-pet-house-bibi-lab-201

Polyamory exists in many varieties, and for many reasons.

In the case of my husband, he’s my Pet. I can’t see him as Dominant because he curls up in my lap and I stoke his hair and he’s my perfect little plaything. I don’t want to taint or compromise it in any way; it’s exactly what I want for us and it makes me so happy.

If you ask me, I think this speaks to why kinky people are so likely to create multiple meaningful attachments. After all, sometimes I do want to be submissive (or even just a different kind of dominant,) and I need an entire other person for that.

There’s also stuff that he’s just not into (like role play) that I really love. So, I need a whole other person for that as well.

Kink is varied and there’s a lot going on, and you probably won’t find one person that can be your everything all the time.

1-10

The problem is this: Some people are actually just monogamous. Being poly or monogamous is another orientation. You’re born that way, though maybe it takes you a long time to figure out. In the end, it’s who you are.

Let’s talk about an example:

I dated a guy many years ago who was fun and kinky and interesting. He looked a little weird (big forehead, odd lips) but he was funny, had an infectious energy, and was generally enjoyable to be around.

However, he was monogamous.

Now, he didn’t accept that about himself. He claimed to be poly and had no issue with me dating. And, since I didn’t know he was monogamous, I had no issue with him looking for another person to date as well. (Note: he was completely single when I met him- which is fairly inconceivable to a poly person. I don’t think I’ve been completely single since middle school.)

9ea7746be7acefa8fa9e0658fb7bd64e

The moment he found another girl he liked, he vanished. Oh, he still sent a message here and there and tried, but he simply wasn’t able to split his attention. He was completely incapable of thinking about more than one person.

It was jarring for me, since I had put a fair amount of emotional investment into the relationship. It sucked to basically be ghosted (though he wasn’t consciously aware he was doing that.)

I did try tell him that his behavior wasn’t okay, and that I still deserved attention even if he began dating someone else. He lashed out in a way that was childish, cruel, and unexpected. He said I was being emotionally manipulative, and made all kinds of completely unfair accusations.

Obviously, I know that it probably did feel that way to him (like I was being unfair.) However, that’s only because he literally lacked the ability to pay attention to more than one sexual partner at once. My asking for attention felt like a manipulation since I said I didn’t mind if he dated someone else. He simply didn’t have the bandwidth to comprehend what he was doing. It was like he expected me to stay on hold while he let the other relationship run its course, and he didn’t understand that polyamory isn’t putting someone on hold so you can go obsess over new people.

download

In my opinion, the hardest part of being poly is stepping up. You have to pay the same amount of attention to the person you were already dating, and then make new energy for the new person. I understand that it’s hard for some people to split their attention or to handle more than one thing at once. I’m not criticizing them for this single-mindedness.

However, if you are monogamous, figure it the fuck out.

And remember: there is a difference between sexual monogamy and emotional monogamy. Some people are emotionally monogamous but just have sex with other people. They don’t develop relationships with the extraneous people. They don’t send them Christmas cards or try to keep them in their lives. They only want extra people for sex, but they are unable to expend the emotional effort to care for those people.

If you are emotionally monogamous, then everyone who comes in contact with you needs to know that. There is nothing at all wrong with sex that doesn’t involve emotion. Casual sex is awesome! But, the people who sleep with you need to know that you don’t have the capability to handle more than one emotional attachment at a time.

It all comes down to being conscious of who and what you are. I know monogamy is stigmatized in the kink community. However, if you are a monogamous person, just be open about it. It’s who you are, and you need to demand respect like the rest of us do.

And remember: Polyamory might be the standard in the kink community, but you’re still the one who gets to blend in with the vanillas and have relationships that don’t require a flow chart!

949db00beafe6daef6cbaf33904084ec--polyamorous-relationship-polyamorous-triad

Finally, let’s circle back to the start and talk about compromise.  Monogamous people are not emotionally capable of maintaining more than one attachment. However, they often can’t get everything that they want from the partner that they have. The compromise they make is all over culture: The poor man who wants some excitement in his life. The poor woman who has a nice guy but dreams of someone handsome (just for a night!) Etc… etc… etc…

The stories about the compromises of monogamy get told. We all know them.

Monogamous people often think that we don’t make any compromises since we can sleep with more than one person. This is absolutely not true!

My husband put up with my crabby boyfriend staying here for a week. That was a huge compromise on his part! He has to accept me writing letters and sending birthday cards to all the people I maintain relationships with. And, he feels sad sometimes when I am paying attention to people who aren’t him.

By the same token, I love to set up play dates for him so that he can experiment with different types of play and have some variety in his life. But, I do feel a little sad sometimes when I think of how there are pieces of him that I don’t get to share. Knowing those pieces exist is my compromise.

You’ll never be in a happy, healthy relationship that doesn’t involve some compromise. So embrace who you are, and make the best decisions based on what you can handle.

But please monogamous folks, know yourself. Don’t date poly people if you can’t be poly.

131011152900-polyamory-01-horizontal-large-gallery

First Dates

by

0

shutterstock_2426143333

Even vanilla people hate first dates. Half the guys are creepers. Half the women are Republican. There’s not much chance for a good match.

When you add kink on top, it gets worse. You probably have specific things that you are hoping to find, such as someone who isn’t afraid of anal play or who won’t judge you for using gear ties instead of ropes. They probably also have specific desires as well, and those desires likely don’t line up with yours.

The more complicated you like your sex, the harder it is to find someone that you are compatible with. That’s why dating in the kink community is so much more difficult than dating in the vanilla world.

10.08-transgender

 

Actually, I don’t even like to call the first meeting offline a “date” because I think that puts too much pressure on it. It’s always annoyed me when people refer to a first meeting as a “date,” as if trying to overlay some societal expectation onto my behavior. I’m just trying to figure out if you’re cool since you wrote to me on the internet. Let’s not call it a date unless we already know each other from somewhere and we already like each other.

“Dates” are for people who have a mutual attraction. One does not get that from text online. One gets that from being around someone in person. There’s no substitute.

Anyway, as an example of first date hell: I recently went out with a girl. She contacted me, and I figured it was worth a few hours of my time to meet her (even though I have been feeling like shit lately) because anytime a semi-normal person talks to you on Fetlife it feels like you ought to at least meet them. She picked the place, which was an IHOP by the airport. However, I endeavored to keep an open mind.

 

getty_rf_twofinger

 

As far as kink goes, we were a match. She’s a submissive of the sort I would want. She’d be willing to play with my Pet as well. She’s fine with swapping STD tests. She even likes D&D (which I feel shows an aptitude for Role Play.) In terms of just the potential for kinky sex, we were a match (which is so rare!)

And yet, somehow someone who seemed completely perfect on paper turned out to be a chore to be around in person. She kept throwing out completely false facts like:

“We only know about 5% of what is in the ocean so there are animals we don’t know about in there that could just come eat you.” (That’s not true- we know about a lot more than 5% of the animals in the ocean, and you will not get eaten by a mysterious and unidentified animal if you snorkel.)

And:

“Less than 1% of abortions are because the baby is deformed or because the mom is at risk.” (Again, not true at all. Most abortions are done because there is a risk to the mother or a problem with the baby. It’s not a choice people make lightly. But of course, Republicans have made sure that you can’t demonstrate this because in the 90’s they made it illegal to collect data. I rely on data from other countries because that’s all you can get anymore.)

 

Untitled-design-2-10-796x417

You might ask yourself: “Couldn’t you just gag her while you fuck her and not spend any time with her outside of sex?”

Yes, I think some people could make that work. I wish I was one of them. But the thing is, I can’t get horny for someone who grosses me out as a person. She’s anti-choice! How could I get into that? How could anyone? My sex drive went in reverse listening to her talk about her kids (one of which she doesn’t like and all of which have different dads.) Then there was her Fox News talking points about how healthcare in Canada is “basically murder.” Everything she said was gross and untrue, and I kinda felt like I needed to take a shower after talking to her.

After the underwhelming meal, she followed me to my car (though I tried to say goodbye in front of the restaurant.) That’s when it got bad. She made fun of my Jeep.

sticker-emoji-emoticon-emotion-horrified-screaming-vector-17384092

It’s a 2004 because I wanted something older. Newer cars are impossible to work on yourself since everything is computerized, and who wants to spend money on mechanics? Plus I don’t feel comfortable driving nice cars because then if a shopping cart rolls into them in the parking lot, I have to get upset about a scratch. Also, I park it at a lot of beaches and hiking trails in sketchy areas, and no one is going to break into an old Jeep because they assume there is nothing to steal (and they’re right- I don’t keep valuables in my car.)

She also made fun of it for being dirty, which is so dumb. Why wash a Jeep? It’s just going to go off road tomorrow and get dirty again. What? Am I supposed to care what people I don’t know might think if my car is dirty? Fuck them. Fuck anyone who wants to have an opinion about the mud on my tires or the dirt on my windows. As long as I have good visibility and it’s safe to drive, the mud stays.

It’s more than the specifics, though. It’s the general issue with people like that. They live their lives trying to impress others. That sounds exhausting, pointless, and like a complete waste of a life. You couldn’t pay me to care what a stranger thinks about me! And to be so shallow that you need to make yourself feel valuable by having nicer things than others? Yuck!

images (1)

My value comes from within. I’ve seen and done amazing things. I’ve traveled the world. I’ve meditated with monks in three different countries. I struggled with issues stemming from childhood abuse, battled my demons, and won. I did event planning and threw fetish proms and made amazing memories for myself and for others. I’m proud of who I am, what I have done, and how I see the world.

Could I drive a nice car if I wanted to? Yup. Could I wear brand name clothes if I wanted to? Yup. I could have amazing things and I could polish them daily in hopes that others would validate me by congratulating me on my shinny possessions. I could waste my entire life on vapid, stupid pursuits.

But, I won’t.

I’m going to do the bare minimum required to survive so that I have time for FUN. I want to climb every mountain, snorkel every reef, and have all the sex. I want to spend my time doing things I love, and spend my money on amazing experiences. For example: That girl spent about $400 a month on a car payment. I spent $400 during my entire week of backpacking around Chang Mai. There is no way I would rather have a fancy car for one month than those memories.

images

This is why dating in the kink world is harder. It’s also why I hate calling it a “first date” when I meet a new person. There’s just too much going on.

Kink Concerns: Are we compatible in terms of BDSM? Will this person fit into my poly lifestyle in a way that all partners will be comfortable with? Are they attractive enough and interesting enough for me to want to play with them? Are they concerned enough with safety?

Vanilla Concerns: Can I stand to be around this person? Do they say things so heinous that I want to punch them? Are they a racist piece of shit or a Trump supporter? Are they a feminist or are they an idiot?

10.08-transgender

I feel like I need to be compatible with people on a kink level and on a vanilla level in order to enjoy playing scenes with them. After all, if someone is shallow and vapid, then they need WAY more aftercare and time spent validating them because they are empty inside. I don’t want to spend all my time on that. And I just can’t get horny for someone who throws out fake statistics to defend draconian beliefs, either.

I’ve been very lucky to have found a lot of compatible people in my life. And when I like someone, I’ll keep them around forever. Example: I have a boy who I like as a human (he’s nice, we have similar values, and he’s into D&D.) The sex wasn’t always great, but there were some really hot moments that I still fantasize about. I’ll probably talk to him as long as he wants to talk to me. I’ll also harbor hopes that we can recreate some of those really good moments. Plus, I’ve grown to consider him a good friend.

I think that’s the best way to be kinky and poly. Find the people you are compatible with, and just keep them around for the rest of your life. It might not work for everyone, but it works for me. Anything to avoid dating, right?

1_MVRyN7KPG3b4KFTouPsHPQ

Being in a Slump

by

0

77b7324472ad84dac6023d3fd0ffc169

So I have actually talked a lot about this subject before.

For example, I’ve written before about setting up a scene. And, I’ve written about enticing your Domme.  I think both of these posts kind of address what to do when you’re in a slump:

Set up a scene the way you want it, and entice your partner to join you.

Relationships (of all types) do take work. People get comfortable, they get bored, and they get exhausted with life sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way, and it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you.

That said, I was asked to address the specific aspect of kink as it relates to health (or lack thereof.)

This is actually really important because more than half of the Millennial generation suffers from some kind of chronic illness. There’s a lot of autoimmune diseases out there. It didn’t used to be so prevalent, but it is now thanks to our irresponsible policies concerning radiation (I won’t go into that because it’s not what this blog is about, but I put a link to a government study admitting that they poisoned us.)

LadyPimPuppyPlay

First, I want to point out two things that I think are really important:

1. Kink isn’t only about sex.

2. Relationships aren’t only about sex.

If you are too sick to set up a scene and entice your Domme, that’s fine. There’s is plenty of value in cuddling on the couch with your head in their lap while they pet you. There is value in bringing your Domme her heating pad when her back hurts. The act of serving your Domme and of being cared for by her is part of a healthy kink relationship, and it’s every bit as important as sex.

A lot of us feel pressured to live up to some ideal of what someone else is doing or what someone else has. But when a friend asked me to write about kink and chronic illness I was like “It’s not just you- that’s me too. We’re all sick.”

My point is, you don’t need to impress some mythical person who has sex twice a day. You don’t even need to impress your healthy friend who has sex once a week (which honestly- do they really?)

Stay confident. Stay content. Your life is good enough even if all you can manage is once a month. You’re still kinky and your relationship is still valid. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You just have to find out what you can handle, and do that.

You are good enough.

BDSM_collar_back-300x200

I Don’t Feel Like Prancing

by

0

Peacock

I have moved to a new place, and I should be out getting to know people. However, I’ve been battling some pretty serious health issues lately, and I just haven’t had the energy. (I’m really old.)

Being laid up gives you time to scroll. I do spend time reading and doing things that are better for me, but I spend more time than I should scrolling. It makes me think about how saddened I am by the BDSM community (and the world at large) these days. There’s just so much attention-seeking, and everyone is fighting for “likes” and “shares” and validation.

We didn’t used to be like that.

PeacockSymbolism

I hate to be that shitty old person who is like “Things were better in my day…” But a meetup back when I was younger was more about talking to like-minded people and sharing a connection over our mutual freakishness. I loved that.

Now, you go to a meetup and there’s a bunch of people just assessing you as “fuckable” or “not fuckable” and there’s so much less productive conversation. I don’t even think it’s generational. It’s older kinksters at these meetups too. I think it’s just what we’ve become.

It’s like everyone is out to commodity every relationship in some way and see what value the other person can have or what validation they can give.

peacockNObuttom

I’m not touchy-feely as a rule (probably due to being raped- which really did put me off strangers.) But when I spoke at this convention a couple years ago, everyone there was really upset by my standoffishness. They’ve reduced the concept of “connection” to touching, which is not at all the same thing.

I’m tired of feeling like the only thing going on in the kink space is a meat market full of peacocks.

I don’t know… I guess I’m just not looking forward to doing it all again. I’m too exhausted to smile and validate people and act like I care what they think of me. Why don’t we have munches for those of us who are deeply cynical, don’t care about attention or validation, and who just want to bullshit with other freaks? I don’t feel like putting on my slut-costume and prancing right now, so can we just hang out and chat?

tumblr_inline_o3o9b94IAz1sc7tnx_1280