Scene Negotiation

People have different communications styles and some people just aren’t very good at communicating. When anyone starts out in BDSM, they can have a really hard time figuring out how to talk about what they want from their partner. To start out, I think it’s okay use a variety of communication methods, rather than having anyone be forced to have an in-person conversation before they are ready.  Here are some ideas for how to start:

Trade Porn: I like to do this with everyone I date because knowing what they have been watching can give you an idea of what they would be interesting in doing with you. This isn’t always true. Sometimes people have a disconnect between the porn they watch and what they want to do. I find it useful though, as long as you’re both willing to be mature adults and admit that you both watch porn. (Or at least read erotica!)

E-mail: I personally am a writer, so I find that I order my thoughts better through my fingers than I would through my mouth. I’m not known for being a graceful speaker. Typing out potential scenes gives your partner a chance to think about them before responding as well, so they don’t have to decide right away if they are okay with it.

In person: When people came to the dungeon they didn’t often know what they wanted, so I always had one of the many BDSM checklists that the internet has to offer available for them. In private sessions in my own home, I generally make tea first and go over a checklist and basic contract with someone first. Holding the teacup in their hand helps them feel comfortable and gives them something to focus on. It is hardest for people to communicate their desires in person, so help them to be comfortable however you can.

Over the Phone: This is good because the submissive does not have to look you in the eyes. It can be hard to be in the same room with someone while saying something like “I’d like you to spit on me and call me a dirty cunt.” This method allows the physical distance that can make emotional distance easier. Emotional distance seems to be the most important factor in being comfortable expressing oneself.

Worksheets: I know it feels silly to be filling out a worksheet about an intimate relationship, but some people are shy and it’s hard to get them talking. Even when they do talk, they are often unsure about what they want. I find worksheets helpful sometimes, if a person is difficult to feel out. You might try giving them as homework and let the submissive fill them out in private while Googling all the terms.

Note About After Care: As you all know, this is the most important part of a scene. This can be accomplished by all of the methods above, but this more than anything else is best in person. Tone of voice means a lot, as well as facial expressions. If you can get someone to be expressive in person, you can get the best idea of how they felt about the various parts of the scene. Make sure to talk about each part. Ask questions like “When you were tied up, did you feel like the ropes were too tight?” or “Did you feel okay with how hard I hit you?” You will both have a better experience if you can communicate better. Resentment can build up in any relationship, but it seems to build up in the most dangerous and dramatic ways in a BDSM relationship. Everyone talks about how important after care is because it is really important.

Consent and Space

In a Kink community there are often teaching workshops and play parties. It is very important to remember a few things if you attend these kinds of events.

Notes on Consent:

This is not just about sexual activity. You may have heard the expression “TMI” meaning Too Much Information. Well this becomes more relevant in the kink community because people have different levels of experience and sometimes they aren’t ready for hearing about things you might be doing/into in details. This is what my friend lovingly calls “Ear Rape,” and it usually takes the form of someone cornering someone else and describing their anal training routine (or whatever) in excruciating detail. When they do this, they often scare off the person that they corner and the scene as a whole loses out. So please don’t ear rape people. They need the opportunity to consent! If you really want to tell them about it, ask if they are interested. However, I’ll be honest with you, 90% of the time if you ask: “Do you want to hear all about my new anal training routine that will allow me to take a 13 inch dildo in two weeks?” the answer to your question is probably no. Of course you’re proud of all the new things you have learned, but that doesn’t mean you need to share.

Implied Consent:

When you go to a play party, there is expected to be people bringing toys and playing with toys. You know this beforehand, and so there is a certain amount of implied consent involved. You understand that you may see people naked. You will probably see different toys used. However, play parties tend to be just to test out new toys. A play party is not an orgy. So you have a reasonable expectation that you will not see sex acts at a play party. People should know to take that behavior into other rooms or wait until they get home, because the party was designated as a “play party” and not as an orgy.

Still, in the example above, a certain level of consent was implied. Remember before you agree to go to an event what sort of interactions there are likely to be, and make your decisions from there. If you do decide to attend an orgy, for example, do not complain that you didn’t consent to seeing people have sex. It’s okay to speak up if you are not comfortable, but please remember to consider what you are comfortable with before attending an event.

Consent to Play:

Before you play with someone at a dungeon or play event, you should talk with them about what they are okay with and agree on some basic rules. The most common of these is to use “red” for stop, “yellow” for caution, and “green” for go. People should at least agree on how to communicate discomfort before they begin any kind of play.

Remember:

They consented to play with each other, not with you. Do not get really close and start masturbating or try to join in without consent. Please, don’t be that guy who can’t respect the privacy of a scene and give the correct amount of space (about 4 feet in all directions.)

Also keep in mind that consent can be revoked at any time. If someone says stop, you need to stop. It doesn’t matter how into it you are or how much fun you are having. No means no (unless you negotiated otherwise) and you need to respect people enough to stop when they become uncomfortable with what is happening.

Space:

Sometimes we are in a small venue. When I lived in South Korea, everyone had tiny apartments and so that is where we had to have our events. This makes it hard to give the appropriate amount of space. However, if you were –say- trying out a flogger, you NEED the correct amount of space so as not to hit other people by mistake. So remember, if you don’t have room all the way around you in every direction, wait to start a scene until the previous couple finishes and moves back into the group to talk. In some living rooms there is only enough space for one couple at a time to try a toy. Respect that and wait your turn. Space is very important when you are swinging toys around and you need to always be aware of your surroundings.

Final Note:

Ask if you’re not sure. Ask if someone is okay to play. Ask before telling a graphic story. Get consent for everything you do and don’t be the creepy person who forces yourself on others. No matter how eager you are to play, you need to treat everyone with respect and dignity and get consent before you impose on them in any way.