Tag Archives: Feminism

What Happened to Men?

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I thought it might be fun to date a little (since I’m free).

I’d like to talk about how that’s been going:

Women: You are doing great. Plenty of romance. All the dates have been fun and creative. It has been easy to trust my female dates, and they have been up-front about what they wanted. Thank you ladies for being sweet, kind, and compassionate.

Men: What happened to you in the 15 years I was married?

Straight men keep saying things to me like:

“Dating is impossible now. You have to worry about everything you say or do, because women will claim you raped them.”

Guys, when you say this, it is telling people that you have raped somebody. If you are a man who asks for -and gets- consent, then you will never have any reason to fear being “accused” of rape.

Or I hear:

“Women are just after money.”

I suppose this was true in the 1950’s when most jobs were not open to women, and women couldn’t have bank account or credit cards. At that time, women were horribly oppressed and couldn’t make money of their own.

That’s not true anymore. Every woman I know would rather make their own money than have someone accuse them of being a “gold digger.” They are absolutely not after men for money. They literally just want someone to do stuff with.

This break from reality seems to have been done intentionally via propaganda from men like Andrew Tate. Let’s all be honest: Andrew Tate is gay. I have never seen anyone want to suck a dick as bad as Andrew Tate wants to suck a dick. But, he’s a coward so he plays “A Straight Guy” and talks about how he hates women.

If you hate women, just go fuck dudes. No one will stop you. It’s still legal in the blue states. (That joke may be too old for some of you, but that’s okay.)

I beg you -all men- if you want to be with men then just go do that. Don’t make a career of shit-talking women because you’re too afraid to be out and proud.


Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been all bad. I went out to a Halloween-themed acrobatic show and dance party with a guy who was fairly nice. He wasn’t a good fit for me personally, but he was polite and seemed nice.

And I still have the boyfriends who have been hanging around forever, so I suppose I don’t really need to pick up more men when I already have a few that are nice and kind.The boyfriends prove that there are at least a few men who haven’t bought into the anti-women propaganda.

However, so many are falling for anti-women hate speech and saying ridiculous things like:

“Women said they would choose a bear so they hate men!”

How could anyone intentionally misunderstand something so simple. The “bear thought experiment” was simply a metaphor to explain what it’s like to be a woman. Bears rarely attack women. Men attack women every day. The example of a bear was used because men said they were afraid of bears, so the goal was to point out:

“Yes, you are afraid of bears. However, we want you to know that men are actually more dangerous to women than bears. Think about what that is like for us.”

Because a man’s biggest fear going on a date is that the woman will be fat. And a women’s fear is that she will be raped and murdered. These experiences are very different.

Women were just trying to explain that, and so many of you didn’t listen.


Men, I don’t know what to tell you. Women are making their own money, joining groups and clubs, and spending nights cuddled up watching movies with their friends. They’re making lives centered around themselves, and it’s not to spite men. It’s because of men. It’s because men are so openly hostile that they’d rather hang with their girls.

They’re not bitter. There is no “female loneliness epidemic.” They don’t care if you have money or what you do for work. Most of them don’t even care how tall you are. All your fears are coming from other men, not from women.

All women are asking for is to be treated like people. And to be clear: They deserve that.

Either way, this bisexual girl is sticking to women for now. I like boobs. I like pussy. And most of all, I like being treated like a person rather than an enemy in some boring culture war. I’m an extremely capable person who has survived things that most people don’t survive. However, that doesn’t mean I want to keep surviving crappy stuff. I’d much rather be happy and have fun, and I only want to do that with people who see me as an equal.

Is it Rape?

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This question has come up recently and I want to talk about it. It seems like some of you didn’t learn from the “me too” movement and that’s a shame. But, this is a serious subject and while I’m loath to serious, here we go:

If a person didn’t consent to what you did to them, then it is rape. If a person is too drunk or stoned to consent, then it is rape.

We need ongoing and enthusiastic consent when we have sex. We need to negotiate beforehand, check in throughout, and do aftercare when it’s over. That’s how we have sex in the kink community, okay?

So let’s take a scenario:

A couple is polyamorous but has rules:

• No sex outside the marriage without using protection.

•  Any sex where a condom could have broken or one of them could have been compromised, and they wait two weeks and get tested before having sex with each other.

•  They agree to be honest about what they do with their sexual partners.

Now the husband goes and has sex with his friend, and he does not use a condom. He comes home to his wife, and asks to have sex with her. He assures her that he was safe when he had sex with his friend, and that there is no chance that he could have caught something. Under this understanding, his wife consents to sex.

About a week later the wife has an itching down there. She trusts her husband and assumes it’s just a yeast infection, but the itching persists and she begins to have delicate flesh in her genital area that tears and bleeds.

She goes to her gynecologist and gets tested, and she tests positive for Chlamydia and HPV-8. The gynecologist is unsure if her flesh tearing is due to her autoimmune diseases being aggravated by the Sexually Transmitted Infections (STIs), or if she also has HSV-2.

The wife has not had sex with anyone else in years. She has been tested several times during those years when she was only having sex with her husband, and has never tested positive for an STI before.

Later, the friend whom the husband had sex with confesses that she and the husband never used condoms when they had sex.

Now, you tell me: Is this rape?

The wife said yes to sex, didn’t she? She didn’t object during the sex. So how can it be rape?

Well, again:

You have to have informed consent. If you have rules and you break them, then it’s rape. If you say you used a condom and you didn’t, it’s rape. Any time a woman did not consent, or was coerced into consent with lies, it’s rape.

I know this bothers many people.

When I was growing up, men got me drunk and pushed themselves on me. I froze, because I’m Autistic and I didn’t know how to object. Back then, we didn’t call that rape. Men just thought that if you said yes to a drink, then that meant they could have sex with you while you were lying in a pool of vomit rigid and clearly not having fun.

However, we know better now.

We’ve grown as a society. We discussed it. We thought it over, and it turns out that any kind of sex without consent is rape.

A popular show named “Bridgerton” by the delightful Shonda Rhimes features a woman raping a man in the first season. He is trying not to have a child with his wife by using the pullout method. This method is not very effective, but it was the conditions under which he consented to sex. He did not consent to cum inside his wife.

His wife -who wants a child- holds him tightly when he cums so that he cannot pull out.

This is also rape.

They had terms under which they had sex, and she broke them. And folks, that’s also rape. I know back in the 70’s and 80’s men said stuff like: “Men can’t be raped. Sex is like pizza. Even when it’s bad it’s still good.”

That’s the patriarchy speaking, and we don’t listen to that bullshit around here.

If your partner or partners did not consent to sex, it’s rape. If their consent was not enthusiastic and ongoing, then it’s rape. If they were too drunk or stones to consent, then it’s rape.

The End.

I Don’t Owe You An Explanation

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Being kinky, we’re often part of a group that is looked down on or considered to be “freaks.” I am actually part of a few more protected classes than that. I’m queergender, bisexual, and female.

The hardest one of those is presenting as female, because I have faced a lot of discrimination over it. In particular, people in my higher math classes in college literally ignored me even when I knew they could hear me because they didn’t think a woman had a right to speak.

I may be queergender, but I live in a female body. That means the burden of birth control and the entire reproduction of the species is something I have to carry. Men grope and mock me all the time. I’ve had to fight very hard to be taken seriously in spaces where men just walked in and were treated well because they presented as men. It sucks being in a female body.

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In spite of all the discrimination I have faced in my life and that all women face, there will always be some asshole trying to shout us down and tell us that we have it easy because men like our tits.

I had a friend named (Insert Generic White Male Name Here.) This friend was a decent guy when I knew him in Korea, but unfortunately, he’s gotten mixed up in the MRA movement since then;- really toxic Jordan Peterson kind of stuff.

This manifested in him coming to my pages on social media and attacking me; though I never went to his pages on social media to attack him. It was violent and shitty, but I still tried to have a conversation with him because he used to be a friend. I sent him Christmas cards and shit. We used to be close. But anytime I would try to talk to him about something, he would do two things:

1. Refuse to educate himself and instead demand that I provide a long list of sources that HE approved of, as well as an in-depth explanation of those sources so he didn’t have to read them.

2. Take a bunch of deeply misunderstood principles from Philosophy and tell me that I had to follow them when I explained things to him exactly as he constructed, or nothing I said would matter.

This is abuse.

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I think it’s important to break down why this is abuse, and why it is unacceptable.

Now first off: As a woman, I don’t owe you sources or an explanation when I say things are not equal between the sexes. I’m relating a FACT, and it is up to you to educate yourself if you disagree, because statistics are on my side.

You can post on your own page about how men are the real victims all you want, and you can cry your sad little heart out. However, if you come to MY page and demand that I explain MY oppression, then you are automatically wrong.

You don’t get to make demands that someone teach you about the objective reality of the world in their own space.

Second, oppressed people already have to deal with being oppressed. That’s quite enough torture for us to put up with without you harassing us. And if you actually care, then you can go read the writings of oppressed people who talk about what it is like (women, transgender people, minorities, etc have all written books about it.) There are facts all over the library, and you can go find them. No one owes you an explanation. It is your responsibility to educate yourself.

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Third, no one has to conform to your format.

I said: “We used to be good friends, and it disappoints me that you would attack me like this. It hurts my feelings.”

His response? “Now you’re just trying to use emotional manipulation which is not a valid argument tactic so YOU’RE WRONG!!!!!!”

But, I wasn’t wrong.

In fact, I was totally on-point.

When someone you used to care about turns into a piece of shit, it does hurt. It hurts a lot. And saying that is valid.

The point is: I don’t have to talk to you in the way that you want to be talked to. Don’t be a fucking snowflake. You need to learn to handle your shit like a big boy and hear what people are saying. That’s what grown-ups do. You don’t scream like a little bitch: “You’re not saying things I want you to say, waaaaaa!”

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If you listen, you might learn something. If you cry and plug your ears, you won’t learn anything at all.

Those of us who are queergender, bisexual, and presenting female face all kinds of discrimination on a daily basis. We’re not too weak to hear the facts, because we get shit on every day by straight white cisgender men. You build up a thick skin when all your get all the time is discrimination and attacks. Then some white man comes along with skin so thin that a light breeze could tear it and demands that everyone stop what they are doing and spoon-feed him an explanation in exactly the way he wants.

Are you fucking kidding me? Are you?!?

I have always put in more effort than others. I’m the one who remembers birthdays and who sends Holiday cards. I’m the one who reaches out first, and the one who sends the first e-mail. I’m a nice person and I do my best to make people in my life feel valued.

But I draw the line at these incels who get into MRA bullshit and become the fragilest of fragile and expect to be coddled.

Look: We’re kinky. There’s not a lot of us and they are taking down our websites and trying to stop us from being able to engage with each other. We have a responsibility to each other and to our community to listen to each other and to educate ourselves. We have a responsibility to stick together.

So don’t be a piece of shit like (Insert Generic White Male Name Here.) Don’t turn on your fellow kinksters and become a whiny piece of shit too fragile to handle the fact that some people have more difficult experiences than you, and they don’t owe you an explanation.

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Public Service Announcement

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Hey guys.

This isn’t even a kinky post. All the whips and chains in the world can’t save bad sex. So, I want to talk a little about something that I find comes up far more than it should when talking to men.

Recently a man said to me that he “is really good with a dildo.”

I paused.

No amount of stalling for time helped; there was nothing I could say to that. It was clear from the context that he has a smaller-than-average penis, and he was describing penetrating his girlfriend with a dildo instead of this small penis because he thought she liked it.

*Sigh*

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Now, Look:

I don’t know her, and so I’ll allow that there is the slightest chance that she did like it. However, the much more likely scenario is that she (as the submissive in the relationship) liked that he liked it, but also secretly wished he would stop. According to all the scientific studies out there (and my own experience) more than 90% of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone.

Too many guys are out there fucking a girl or ramming her with a dildo and expecting that action to get her off, and guys, it doesn’t work like that.

I’d like to recommend two really good books about sex that can help you make better choices if you want to please your female partner:

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Bonk by Mary Roach is a hilarious book about the science of sex, and it’s also very informative.

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She Comes First by Ian Kerner is also a super-helpful book that describes the mechanism of the female orgasm in detail, and the anatomy behind it.

Basically, women have something called a clitoris that is outside of the vagina (well, the exposed tip of it is on the outside.)

Most of us cannot achieve orgasm without direct stimulation of this part of our anatomy.

Not only that, but many women experience pain from penetration due to endometriosis, PCOS, menopause, uterine fibriods, and a host of other issues that make penetrative sex very uncomfortable.

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Women (particularly the submissive ones) are sometimes terrified to tell you this. I have seen men rage at the very suggestion that they are not pleasing their partner, even when I knew from the mouth of the woman that this was the case.

In fact, several of my more submissive female friends have asked me to gently talk to their significant other about how women orgasm and about how most women do not like it when you pound away on them with a dildo, your dick, or anything else you may want to thrust repeatedly and thoughtlessly into them.

Women like vibrators, though. The bigger, the better. Think of the Magic Wand. This is something that you –yes you!– can use on your submissive to make her orgasm.

Instead of pounding away on her poor vagina, you can use this to actually make her vagina wet!

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Not all women like vibrators. Some prefer a tongue. Some are okay with fingers being used if they are used carefully and with lube (remember: the tip of the clitoris has more nerve endings that your entire penis so don’t be rough unless she asks you to!)

However, you do need to stimulate a woman’s clitoris in order to make her orgasm in most cases. This is not a complicated fact, and the man in question (who is nearly 50 years old!) really should have known better than to be pounding away on his poor girlfriend for hours on end with a dildo. Yes, a submissive often thinks that pleasing you is hot. But, she still deserves for you to take her anatomy into consideration when you do sex stuff to her.

So please, straight men, get your shit together. Stop thrusting uselessly into dry vaginas. Instead, help your partner achieve orgasm before the penetration part of sex, so she is more likely to find it enjoyable.

Stop watching porn made by men for men and thinking that is a good way to learn about sex. Learn about a women’s anatomy instead, and guarantee that no one has to fake another orgasm with you.

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The Sex Club Problem

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I have been to sex clubs all over the world, from Paris to Portland. I used to work in a dungeon. And, in all my time enjoying kink clubs and swinger’s clubs, there has always been a huge problem: Single men.

Now, some men (you know the type) will immediately challenge this statement by asking what a man even is in these “crazy times” and then babble on about equality and how women don’t really want it because blah blah blah.

I’m going to dismiss those MRA arguments out of hand, because no one on The Red Pill should be going to sex clubs. If you don’t respect women, then you shouldn’t get to have sex with them. I firmly believe that the best way to deal with men who look down on women is to make sure that they never, ever get to touch another vagina as long as they live.

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For the rest of us who are not complete assholes, we know what I mean when I say that single men are a problem at sex clubs.

Picture this: You go to a club with your wife, and you are excited to find a couple to swing with. You talk to a few people, and one couple agrees. You’ve been fantasizing about it for years, and it’s like a dream come true to actually have the chance to play out this scenario.

Unfortunately, it’s very hard to enjoy it in real life because there are three single guys watching you and wacking off, and they keep trying to touch the ladies without permission.

We’ve all been there. If you’ve been to a few sex clubs, then you have had to deal with the creepy single guy. He wasn’t cool enough to get a girl to go with him, but the club let him in anyway, and now he’s just being a creeper. (Not that any guy ever thinks he’s being a creeper, but so many of them are ALL THE TIME.)

This is why single guys ruin sex clubs.

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Now, this is largely a masculinity problem. Guys are not encouraged to be bisexual because it’s not “manly.” This is a crying shame, because it means that men often never try sex with another man. I mean, you might not be attracted to men as romantic partners, but getting fucked in the ass feels good for men. That’s where their g-spot is. So sex with men would definitely have a place in the world if men would stop being so desperately repressed about their sexuality and teaching their sons to be the same way.

Alas!- This is the world we live in. Most men don’t go to sex clubs hoping for a threesome with their wife and another guy. Mostly, they go hoping for a threesome with their wife and another girl. I’m not saying that it’s right; I’m just saying it’s how it is. And if the club lets in single men, they tend to stand around peerving on everyone else because no one wants them to join in.

How can we solve this?

Well, Club Desire is Seoul solves this by not letting any single people in. All people must come in couples or MFF triads. Yes, this does make threesomes harder to have. But there is no reason you can’t get creative with fun configurations in a foursome. Is this the best solution? Maybe not. But it works. There are never any creepy single men hovering around and being grabby at Club Desire.

Meanwhile, sex clubs in the US tend to solve this by charging a small fee for single women, a larger fee for couples, and the highest fee of all for single men. This tends to balance out the numbers a little better, and it helps avoid too many sweaty guys ruining your scenes by getting underfoot and trying to cop a feel.

But how should we solve this?

If you ask me, the best possible way would be to attack the underlying problem, which is the Patriarchy.

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See, the patriarchy ruins sex clubs in two ways:

1. It tells men that gay sex is “sissy stuff” and that it is “not manly” so that men mostly don’t hook up with men. This is too bad. If single men at sex clubs were hooking up with each other, they wouldn’t be harassing all the women there and making a scene. Everyone is a little bi-curious, and it’s not like having gay sex makes you gay. It’s just a fun thing to try; like wormwood or LSD.

2. Women tend to have to be dragged to sex clubs by their significant others. However, I know lots of women who would really like to go to a sex club. Even some of my vanilla friends from college would be really, really down to play if they thought it was “okay.” The problem is that Patriarchy tells them that it is not okay. It slut-shames them and tells them that their worth is tied to their sexual fidelity and purity. In other words: Most women have a gangbang fantasy, but very few feel that they can live it out because men shame them for even thinking it.

And by the way: Why is that?!? Men, you watch gangbang porn and think it’s hot. Why would you shame a woman for doing it when you love to watch women do it?

This is why those of us that enjoy sex clubs should all be feminists.

The idea behind feminism is to dismantle the patriarchy and create true equality. That means letting men feel safe experimenting with same-sex hookups, and it means ending slut-shaming so that women can be the crazy-sexual creatures that we are on the inside.

So that’s my plan. I’ll need your help, but I think we can do it. Let’s dismantle the patriarchy and fight for true equality. We can save sex clubs by dismantling the patriarchy and bring the dreams of feminists into reality.

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Sexist Bullshit

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I was trying to write a post about something to do with my husband and I as a poly couple, so I looked for a picture to illustrate the idea. I Googled “polyamory,” and was really unhappy with what came up.

Nearly every image that appeared on my search was of a guy with two women!

Even the images that were not people somehow implied that polyamory means two woman and one man.

Google is portraying polyamory (loving several people of any gender) as synonymous with the type of polygamy (the term used for the men who marry several women) in Mormon and other cults.

This makes me angry because it is some sexist bullshit.

 

I disagree with Polygamy as it is practiced in cults like the FLDS, because I used to volunteer at a shelter for homeless teens. Over the years we got several young boys who had been run off the Mormon compound in Colorado City. They nearly all killed themselves because of the horror of being rejected by their cult, and because they were taught that they would be nothing in the after life unless they had several wives.

Why were these boys run off? Well obviously, that would be so fat old men could marry the girls their age.

Gross.

Polygamy is always bad for boys from families without power, and bad for women overall. I base this on reading Under the Banner of Heaven and Escape in part. But I also base it on statistics and personal experiences. I have a lot of data that I have collected over the course of my life, and a lot of it relates to how Polygamy is the main cause of abuse and child abandonment everywhere it is practiced.

So to see my relationship orientation of Polyamory portrayed as a man with multiple women and nothing else in Google makes me sick. I actually felt physically ill scrolling through the pictures.

Not only did the search results conflate Polyamory with Polygamy as if they are the same, but I had another issue as well.

As a woman, I felt underrepresented.

Where are the pictures of women like me with our many boyfriends at our feet? Why was there no woman at the center of a bunch of men? Where were the pictures that accurately depicted my life?

Feeling angry, I did a Google search specifically for polyamory MMF (male-male-female) couples. Only then did I see a few images of a woman with two men.

I was disappointed that there were no women with a harem, but at least Google thinks a woman can date two men. (Although the default is a man with two women.)

And yet there was something even worse:

It was literally all pictures of three people. Just three. So apparently that’s all you get! My husband can date or I can date, but we cannot both date different people. And that cuts to the heart of it:

Polyamory is more than two.

I have boyfriends and girlfriends. My husband has boyfriends and girlfriends. Those people also date other people. So it is a lot more than two people involved.

Another important point:

Polyamory is not about orgies. I am sick to death of my husband and I saying we are poly, and guys turning to him and saying “You must get so much ass.” First, he really doesn’t because he is kind of a disaster of a person a lot of the time.

Second, it is not my job to “share” the people I date with him. I do not look for people to convince to join us. I look for people who want to date me by myself. So there are nearly no orgies and there are not even a lot of threesomes.

We date other people. But, the important point is: We do it separately.

See, it’s not about orgies or threesomes. It’s about how we love the feeling of falling in love. We love getting to know people in that way that you can only do in bed. We love variety, and we love learning new things about the world from new people.

For example: I have a thing for scientists and engineers. I love laying in bed and talking about experimental particle physics or aerospace engineering with the guy next to me. I love hearing about the latest in gene research from the girl in my bed. I love getting to hear their innermost thoughts on how our species is progressing.

And the thing I love the most about my husband is that he understands me, and he respects that I like to go off on tangents and explore things.

In fact, he likes that I come back with cool stories and facts. He enjoys my adventures from the perspective of a friend sharing exploits, and as a husband who likes to know that other men and women find his wife desirable.

From my perspective, I like him dating because he gets to be around girly girls who like makeup and hair. I will never be one of those girls, but I know he loves all of that. Plus I know he likes to be dominant in bed sometimes, and that is just not our dynamic. So, I like that he can have that with other people. And like him, I like knowing that the person I am mated to is desirable to others.

In other words: Polyamory is more than two people. That doesn’t mean three. It means more than two. (Sometimes lots more than two.)

And, in spite of the sexist bullshit, it can be just as rewarding for a woman as it can be for a man. I believe very strongly that this is my orientation, and that I have always felt differently about relationships than monogamous people. I don’t feel at a disadvantage as a poly woman. I don’t think the Google search results reflect my experience at all. And, I hope other women won’t be discouraged by the fact that cultural feelings about polyamory are widely sexist.

Views on us might be sexist, but we are not.

Note: And for the record, both my husband and I are feminists.