Tag Archives: Domme

Navigating Change and Expectations

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My ex-husband was a very kind man when I met him. Sometimes I think it was an act to trap me in marriage. Sometimes I think he changed over time. I’ll never know for-sure because he lies better than anyone I have ever met.

When we were dating, he flirted with me at parties.

This is important because when a man is clearly into a woman, other women notice. My ex-husband and I attracted many people who wanted to be part of our relationship; even if only for a moment. This was possible because he treated me with kindness and respect, and he worked hard to be charming. We had threesomes, got invited to play parties, and generally had a really good time.

When we got married, he began to disrespect me.

It started with ignoring me in favor of flirting with other women online. Then, I threw a kinky mixer at our house in hopes of getting him to behave like he did when we were dating. Instead of flirting with me, he spent the entire night flirting with some girl he just met.

Obviously, the result was that no one had any sex that night.

The girl didn’t mind being flirted with, but she had no interest in a man who would disrespect his wife. The way to turn a woman all the way off is to disrespect other women in front of her. You’re basically saying: “I’m only flirting because you’re new. If you were mine, I’d treat you like I’m treating my wife right now.”

Then he had the nerve to complain that:

• I no longer felt like topping him (because he was disrespectful to me).
• No women wanted to play with us (because he was disrespectful to me).
• We didn’t get invited to parties (because he was disrespectful to me).


I gently tried to explain the situation. I tried talking to him first, but he acted very haughty and refused to admit to having done anything wrong. I tried writing him a letter, but he refused to discuss it. I tried writing a blog post about it, but he wouldn’t read my blog.

I continued to try to communicate, explaining that when he ignored me to flirt with other women online or when he wouldn’t even acknowledge me at a party, it made me feel bad. As a Domme, I do all the work. I set up the scenes, I create the headspace, and I make the magic happen while he sits there tied up or in a submissive position. I explained that I simply could not get into the headspace to do that much work when he refused to treat me with respect.

For a while, I thought it had to do with the Madonna-Whore Complex. Psychologists often say that men cheat because they don’t want to do “dirty” things with their wives (who they wish to see as pure). The theory is that there are some things a man will only do with a stranger.

When I thought that was the case, I tried to get him into role play. I thought that if we were different people, then we could overcome the problem. I suggested we “meet” at a bar, and that he “sneak me into his house” while “his wife was asleep.”

He refused to discuss it, saying that he would never consider doing any kind of role play. He also said we could not talk about it.


I tried writing love letters with lots of sex in them. I tired sending him porn. I tired all kinds of things to communicate. And let it be said that he did “act nice” sometimes. Though -to be honest- the strain in his voice and movements was so obvious that I couldn’t reconcile it with him saying things like “you look nice.” It was clear he was only doing it because I told him to be kind, not because of any genuine feeling.

In spite of this, I convinced people to spent time with him. I outright asked friends to sleep with him. I got him play dates. I continued to try to act the way I did when we were dating, while he continued to find new ways to be horrible.

For a while he would point out other women to say they were attractive, but never anyone that looked like me. Only Asian women. I am mostly Polynesian and Swedish. I can’t change my genes. It’s not as though I could have tried to look more like the women he pointed out. I’ll never be Asian. So, what it amounted to was really just him finding another way to put me down and make me feel bad, and then still expect me to want to top him in bed.

So, what do you do when a partner changes? When they will no longer do the things they did before?

Well, we were polyamorous, so I tried to just date other people and be his friend. I have some long-standing relationships that I enjoy with people around the world, so I put energy into them. I flew to Las Vegas to give a talk on kink and sell my romance novels. I worked on my blog and things that were important to me.


Yet, I never gave up on him. I kept thinking that he was just going through some things and that we’d be able to sort it out when he had a little more emotional maturity. I waited, and we had kinky sex that wasn’t a power exchange. Just little things. I’d choke him. He’d fist me. Whatever. It wasn’t bad sex, and I liked him as a friend and companion. I thought that was enough, I guess. But all along, I missed when he flirted with me and treated me with such care and attention that unicorns flocked to us and we got invited to every party. We had that energy that everyone wants, and I thought we’d get it back if I kept trying.

There were moments when we did. He bought MDMA from someone on his ship, and took it. I don’t do that shit, but I was happy to have him being flirty and sexy again for once, so we played out a fun scene with me as the Domme. It was a great night.

Once a sex friend came to visit and he flirted with me because she was there, and that made me feel sexy enough that I did a scene with both of them. It was her first time trying out the Domme role because we duel-topped him, and she had a blast. I did, too.

Any time he flirted with me and treated me like he had when we were dating, I was able to get into the headspace to be a Domme. But it wasn’t often enough to make me happy, and I tired to communicate this in every way I could think of. I started out kind and patient, but after ten years I started to get snippy and even angry. I couldn’t understand how he still hadn’t grown up yet, and why he was still behaving like a spoiled child who thought he could treat me like dirt and then expect to be spoiled like a good sub.

Some of my friends think his actual personality changed from a series of brain injuries that he had in 2016, 2017, and 2023. Some of my friends think it’s because he was raised by alcoholic failures who were abusive to each other but stayed married, so he simply had a mindset that wives are supposed to be treated like shit (because it’s what his father did to his mother). Some of my friends think straight men simply can’t handle serious relationships or talking about their feelings.

I don’t really know what is true; only how much it hurt.

I do know that if you find yourself in a situation where your partner changes and stops wanting to do the things you need, leave sooner rather than later. I shouldn’t have wasted all those years on him. He was never worth the effort. I spent a fortune on gifts for him. I spent so much time trying to help him to be better as a human, and to teach him kindness and love. I wasted years of my life on a man who -I can see now- never had any value at all. I truly think he only pretended to care about me when we were dating.



For those who feel unsure in their relationships, there were things that I now understand were warning signs:

• I said it made me feel bad when he flirted with other women while I was there, and he kept doing it after I said it hurt me.

• I explained to him that his poor treatment of me was the reason that unicorns no longer wanted to sleep with us, and that it was the reason I no longer felt into being his Domme. He didn’t make any genuine effort to treat me more respectfully in front of people or in private.

• I would tell him exactly what I wanted and even explain why, and he seemed to always do the exact opposite (it felt like out of spite, though at first I made excuses for him in my head, and then later I thought maybe he was just dumb).

• I always dressed up and wore kimono and makeup around the house because those things give me confidence. He whined that it made him uncomfortable and kept asking me to just buy some pajamas like a normal person and stop “trying so hard.” Then when I did as he asked (after two years of protesting it) he told his friends that I laid around in pajamas and stopped even trying to be attractive.

• He did little things to undermine my confidence and make me feel bad, like only saying women of different races were attractive, but never a woman that looked like me.

• When I tried to talk to him about anything at all, he responded with anger.




People can see this list and say: “Well clearly he’s a loser! Why did you stay? That’s on you!” But the truth is, I just kept thinking he would grow into himself and see that I wasn’t his enemy eventually. Like, we started out as a team, you know? And then after he trapped me in marriage, he began to treat me as the enemy.

I thought: At some point he is going to wake up and see that I am on his side. He’ll want to be a team again.

I had hope. That’s really my main problem. Some people suffer from depression, but I have the opposite problem. I have an excessive amount of Serotonin and Dopamine. I am a cheerful person. In fact, my favorite thing to do in public is try to find one thing to compliment about each person I pass. I’m so happy that it often annoys the crap out of people, and I can’t really tone it down.

People think it must be awesome to be naturally cheerful but it’s not. Always seeing the best in people means being screwed over and disappointed a lot. Having high expectations for the world means being let down. Thinking you can love people hard enough that they will eventually be better never actually works (in spite of what my brain tells me). You can’t make people better by seeing the best in them and trying to build them up. My ex-husband never got any better as a person. In fact, the more I asked him to be better, the worse he treated me. (You might say, the more he failed, the more he failed.)

I’m not saying you should give up right away if someone used to do things you loved and now, they won’t.

Try sending each other porn, writing love letters, talking it out, and other communication first.

Many times, communication can fix things.

However, I’ve learned now that the main sign that you need to walk away is actually very simple: If you try to communicate with them and they respond with anger, you need to leave.

Every time I tried to talk to him to solve any issues, he would gaslight me by saying he was not doing the things that he was doing. Then, he would admit that fine, he was doing those things, but it was actually fine and my feelings weren’t valid. Then he would say fine, maybe I had a right to be mad, but my bringing it up hurt him so we were even. (Men being hurt by you saying they hurt you.) And so on.

It was textbook abuse, but I am hopeful and loving and it makes me a fool. Don’t be like me. Get out the first time they get angry at you for raising an issue and asking to discuss it.

Kink Basics

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There are a lot of aspects to kink, which I think people don’t realize.
From the outside, maybe it’s the clothes that folks notice, or maybe
they heard about a specific fetish and they find it weird. But there
is a lot more to kink than that.

First, let’s talk about the mindset.

A huge part of kink is something we like to call “head space.” This refers to the frame of mind a person gets into when they are going to play a kink scene.

There are terms you should know that are involved in this frame of mind. Here are some quick and dirty definitions.

Sub Space: This is a way to describe the peaceful state that a submissive is trying to obtain during a scene. Ideally, they want to become completely relaxed and go inside of themselves. They want to focus completely on the sensations happening to them.

Catharsis: We use this term to describe the feeling of getting into sub space and having that perfect moment of peace. This can often cause a submissive to cry; but it is not tears from the pain or degradation involved in a scene. It is the feeling of finally getting an experience they dreamed of and feeling the way they hoped to feel.

After Care: After a scene, it is important to talk it out if possible. Bringing up any problems can make for a better scene next time. However, sometimes there is nothing to talk about. Sometimes everything was wonderful, and the only thing to do is to remain in physical contact (For example, stroking a Pet’s hair) until they “come down.”

Sub Drop: This expresses the feeling a submissive feels when a scene is over. Sometimes this is due to a lack of After Care, but it can also happen even with an attentive top. Sometimes there is just a feeling of sadness that follows, and it is important to be supportive of a submissive during this time.

Top Drop: We use this term to describe the feelings of sadness a top might feel after a scene. There is a rush of adrenalin and endorphins during a scene, and sometimes afterwards when those hormones wear off, it can leave you feeling let down.

There are lots more terms, but I don’t want to overload you with information since this is meant to be an introduction to kink. These terms are given mostly to illustrate what it is like from a mental standpoint. There is a lot going on under the surface. To an outsider it may just look like a woman in leather hitting a boy who is tied up, but that isn’t all there is to kink. A huge part of it is the mental play, and embracing the roles of Master and Slave (or Top and Bottom or Dom and Sub- you get the idea.)

How do you get into headspace?

A common question is how to approach getting into the right frame of mind. After all, it doesn’t necessarily come naturally to a person to whip another person (for some it does, but let’s focus on the folks who need help.)

I am almost always the Top, or Domme in a scene.

For me, getting into a headspace is mostly about putting on my clothes (I favor a lot of vinyl) and listening to loud music. The clothes are sort of a ritual. It’s a way for me to leave my normal mindset and focus on the mindset I am trying to transition into. The loud music is usually industrial, and that just gets my blood flowing.

This is not unlike getting yourself into other types of mindsets. For example, think of women who take a long time to shave and dress while listening to music before a date; it’s  about feeling sexy. Or think of a man who practices lines in the shower, trying to focus on what to say on a date. Even in the case of putting on something solemn and black before a funeral, you are mentally preparing yourself for the situation you are about to go into.

Kink is just like this. It also requires getting into a mood.  


Scene Negotiation:

I know that in the porn movies things just happen. But in real life, we need to focus on “safe, sane, and consensual.” That means talking things out first.

There are several useful scene negotiation forms online, but basically you need to decide a few things:

1. What role do you want to play?

2. What are your soft limits (things you are unsure about)?

3. What are you hard limits (things you refuse to do)?

4. What will you be using to prevent STDs or pregnancy?

5. What is your safe word (red for stop, yellow for slow down, green for go)?

Note: I like to use stoplight colors for safe words because I think it’s universal and easy. I know all the jokes are about silly safewords like “banana pancakes” and you can do that if you want. But it’s best in the begging to keep it simple.

Now, a basic scene negotiation form will help you negotiate those main points, but of course there is more you can consider. For example, there are several good fetish lists online, so you can download one and fill it out with your partner if you want to get more in-depth in your discussions (maybe you are eager to have a serious conversation about adult baby play?)

You don’t have to go overboard your first time out, but you do need to make sure that you both have clear expectations. If you think resentment can build up quickly in vanilla sex (why won’t he go down on me?) trust me that it can build up faster when kink is involved.


Setting Up a Scene:

Once you are in the right mindset, it is important to set up the scene. Sometimes kink is spontaneous, but not most of the time. It is more typical for things to be planned in advance. Here are some things to consider: Safety: Make sure that if you are using rope, you have something to cut the rope away quickly if needed. Have water handy for your submissive as physical strain can lead to a need to hydrate. Make sure you have a safeword sorted out, or a nonverbal signal if the submissive will be gagged.

Mood: Make sure that your lighting is right, and you have music in the background. Set everything up in such a way that both you and your partner will be comfortable.

Toys: Any toys you plan to use should be cleaned and laid out beforehand, so that they are easy to get to. This is because stopping a scene to dig for a toy can jar the submissive out of subspace. If possible, it’s best to avoid stopping the scene.

Blankets: Make sure there is a yoga mat or blanket on the floor if you intend to have your submissive kneel for any part of the scene.

These are just general concerns, but obviously there are specifics to consider too. For example, if you are doing anal, you should have lube handy. Always be prepared so that things can go smoothly once the scene begins.

Playing a Scene:

Once it is time to actually play, it’s up to you what you want to do! I can’t tell you what your kink should be. However, I do want to caution you to start slowly, and let sensations build. You don’t want to whip someone full-force right from the start. Perhaps run the whip along their skin first, and then let it fall across them lightly. Just let thinks build up so that you can both have time to make sure that you are okay with what is happening, and so that it isn’t too jarring.

Summary:

This post is really for just one person; a friend who is interested in getting started in kink. I hope it was helpful, Lady Librarian.

Remember: The mindset you go into play with is important. I know that isn’t apparent when watching a scene at a dungeon or in a movie. However, I want to assure you that what is going on underneath the surface is every bit as important as what is going on outside of the participants’ heads. Kink is about indulging in some fetishes that others might not agree with, but it is also about a power exchange taking place below the surface, and without that component it isn’t very exciting or fulfilling for anyone.


Happy Halloween!

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I’ve written before about how much I love Halloween  because it’s the one day a year that, instead of giving me dirty looks, people say “Nice costume!” It’s really wonderful to be able to walk around dressed in Domme gear instead of having to bring it all in a bag and get dressed in the bathroom of a venue (I learned the hard way that you do not want to get pulled over by a cop while wearing vinyl because they do not like that, so change when you get there.) But on Halloween, all things are permitted.

As I have often said, I love this. I don’t slut-shame the sexy nurses, sexy kitty cats, or any other silly costume marketed to women. I don’t care that women use Halloween as an excuse to dress as something that they never normally would. In fact. I think that is great!

However this year, a reader asked me a new question that I have never even thought of before, and it kind of blew my mind. He wrote: “Do you get upset when vanilla women dress up as a Dominatrix on Halloween? Isn’t this cultural appropriation?”

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So first, I want to say that I think it’s pretty shitty when people make a culture into a costume. I have Native American friends, and I am super offended when I see someone wearing a cheap, fake headdress made out of chicken feathers and calling themselves “Chief Wanna-Bang-You” or some other disgraceful shit. Fuck people who do that.

And second, I want to agree that Kink is a culture, and that a vanilla woman dressing up as a Domme for Halloween is definitely appropriation of a culture. HOWEVER, I do not think it is offensive. Look; that might be a personal thing. Maybe I am wrong (and if so please write to me and tell me why!)

It’s just that to me, shaming someone for cultural appropriation requires that the appropriation actually does some damage. And honestly, I think kink fiction written by vanilla people (such as 50 Shades of Grey) does a lot more damage than some vanilla wife playing Domme could ever do. I just mean, I think that standard we should use when we decide if something is appropriation is: Does it cause harm? And I don’t think that a vanilla woman in a fake pleather outfit with a thin, novelty whip is hurting anyone (literally or metaphorically.)

Halloween is my favorite holiday, and I don’t want people to be dicks on Halloween. So don’t appropriate someone’s culture. Be respectful of Native Americans, Black Americans, and everyone the fuck else. But on the other side of it, don’t be a white person who wants to call people out just for fun, because those people turn Halloween into a nightmare by actively trying to get offended.

Also, do not spread all that bullshit about how stoners are going to give your kids drugs. Drugs are very expensive, and no one is going to give them away on Halloween. The Beckys who push this crap are really ruining a perfectly good holiday.

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So You Want To Find A Domme

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This is on my mind because I will l be moving soon. In preparation, I changed my location on Fetlife.com to Oahu. I wanted to start looking at events, and it’s easier to look for events “near you” (which is based on your current location setting.)

Since my orientation on Fetlife says “Domme,” several men have decided to introduce themselves to me (in hopes of being submissive to me.)

I hate to sound mean, but I can hardly stand what a waste of my time it has been. I mean, of course I want to meet people in Oahu before I get there! I want to get an idea of what things there will be like. Doing research ahead of time is always important. However, the submissives who have reached out are so tedious.

Example

Never start a conversation with “What are you doing?” That is ridiculous for two reasons:

1.Who Are You To Ask

It is impertinent to ask a Domme what she is doing, because it implies that you have some right to know.

You do not.

If I want you to know what I am doing, I will fucking tell you. You asking is not okay.

2. It’s so Middle School

Asking “What are you doing?” is the most boring thing on Earth!

What will the answer be 90% of the time?

“I am sleeping.”
“I am eating.”
“I am at work.”
“I am grocery shopping.”

Who wants to talk about boring-ass shit like that? Not me! I have better things to do with my time.

And yet, when I give my phone number to people, they invariably start with asking me what I am doing. If you want to start a conversation with someone, start by assuming that they are busy. You might have a boring life where nothing on Earth is going on for you. Fine. But don’t assume that everyone else is like that. Here is how you should picture me:

I am on an elliptical machine running. In my car right now is a bag of swim gear. After the gym, I will be taking my camera out on the reef where I will swim from end to end taking photos, because I do reef monitoring for NOAA. I am married, and I plan to spend the night chatting with my husband because we are very much in love and we enjoy each other’s company. I also need to put in several hours on the certification classes I am taking, build a website, and proofread about 50 pages of stuff.

My phone is blowing up because I keep in touch with several friends that I have met in various parts of the world. I don’t have time to respond to everyone all the time, but I do my best because I genuinely care about people. Most of the people that I am struggling to find time for are people that I care deeply about and have a real connection with.

Now, you are trying to break through all of that and get my attention.

Is the best line you can really come up with: “What are you doing?”

I mean, sure, it may have worked in Middle School. But if your conversational skills have not advanced since middle school, then what are the odds that I am going to find you interesting? Seriously?

Your job is to get my attention.

 

Why is it that way?

Well first, let’s talk about scarcity. There are not a lot of dominant women, right? But there are a lot of submissive men. This means that each dominant women will get messages from a lot of dominant men at once. Ergo, you are not unique. You are just a face in a crowd.

Keep that in mind.

Next, let’s think about what most dominant women do: They have ads on BackPage and charge $500 per hour. People pay that because in a market with a lot of scarcity, it’s very easy for a dominant women to charge for her time. However, I am not advertising any kind of services that involve charging for my time, am I? So that makes me even more rare than the average Domme.

Remember that.

And finally, I am well-traveled and experienced. That means I am not going to hesitate or flinch. I know what I am doing. We’ve all seen the Pro Domme video that makes fun of the newbie Dommes who have no idea what they are doing, and let’s admit that there are tons of them out there. Not me. I have been in the scene for more than 20 years, and I know exactly what I am doing.

Ergo, I have more propositions in a week than I could fill in a lifetime. And yes, that does matter. It means that you have to come up with something interesting to say if you want me to care about you. Having ten guys a week not be able to come up with anything better than “What are you doing?” is a huge waste of my time, and it makes me really fucking mad.

 

Are You Actually Submissive

There are a few things every potential submissive should think about. You should start with figuring out if you are actually a submissive, or if you are just self-centered.

Ask yourself:

1. Do you expect to do nothing but “look cute” while some poor soul has to “train you”?

2. Do you plan to “be bratty” the whole time by not listening to what your Domme is saying?

3. Do you expect your Domme to lead the conversation and do all the emotional work in a relationship?

4. Do you think it should be an honor to do all the emotional and physical work while you sit back on your lazy ass and “dress pretty”?

If so, you are not submissive. You are just self-centered.

 

Note:

As an interesting aside, let’s talk about why straight vanilla women are actually the ultimate submissives:

I have often said that being submissive comes more naturally to women because they are already used to having to start all the conversations, structure all the discussions, and do all the emotional work. In a vanilla relationship, a women is submissive in the sense that the man is allowed to pretend that he is “not emotional” and “doesn’t care,” which forces the women to take charge of all emotional work for both parties.

Furthermore, in a vanilla relationship, a woman is pushed into doing the cleaning because the guy “doesn’t notice” the mess. She is pushed into making all the plans because he “doesn’t care” if they do something or not. And, she is pushed into starting all the conversations because a man will stew for YEARS when he is angry, claiming that he “doesn’t care” enough to just have an honest conversation about feelings.

In this way, vanilla women are forced to submit to men if they want to be in a relationship. And it is some bullshit that I won’t put up with.

Makes it sound like I should just choose a female submissive who will rub my feet, worship me, and bake me cookies, doesn’t it?

If you want to compete with someone who will do all the planning, emotional labor, and baking; you are going to have to be pretty fucking special. And there are men that special. My husband is the most adorable ball of cute, kind, and devoted.

Ergo, I absolutely know that there are men who are capable of being a good submissive.

If you start out with a stranger bragging that you are a “bratty sub” and you think someone should have to “train you,” then you are not a submissive. You are a self-indulgent, lazy person who had read too many novels.

On Training a Submissive

If a Domme has the particular kink of wanting to make someone march or do push-ups, then fine.

If they have the kink of wanting to be served tea on a silver platter by a sub in a maid’s outfit, then fine.

If a Domme wants you to learn to walk a certain way or rub their feet a certain way, then fine.

Every Domme wants different things, and some of them want nothing more than to be obeyed when they command you to do something.

However, there is a reason that “training schools” that pop up for submissives are always extremely expensive. I have seen prices as high as $5,000 for a week. This is because no one wants to spend a week telling your ass what to do every second of every day and whipping you if you are naughty. If people wanted to do that much work for free, the training schools would be permanent fixtures instead of pop-ups, and they would be free.

The reason that your average Dominatrix will charge $500 an hour, and the reason that “training schools” cost so much money, is because it is work.

Your average Domme wants a submissive that does not need to “be trained.”
Your average Domme wants a submissive that does not want to “be a brat.”
Your average Domme wants a submissive that can be a steward of their own emotions.

What I Want

I am a really together person. I am comfortable with my sexual orientation (bisexual.) I am comfortable with my gender identity (male; in a female body.) I am comfortable with my kink identity (80% Domme 20% Sub.) I am comfortable with the situation in life, my emotional primary, my friends, and my hobbies.

I am not seeking validation from a relationship.

Therefore, I am not looking for someone that needs me to validate them with constant attention.

If you need constant validation and you can’t do your own emotional work, then you are a hot mess and you need to find someone willing to put up with that. That someone is definitely not me.

I want someone who:

1. Can bother to read my Fetlife page and my blog before taking to me.

2. Has something interesting to say.

3. Wants to play scenes where they get tied up, hit with things, and dominated in various ways.

4. Is not boring to lay next to after sex.

5. Will agree to an STD sex before contact and STD testing any time they sleep with someone other than me.

No, I don’t think that those five things are too much to ask.

And no, I don’t want to hang on chat all the time and listen to you whine. I also don’t want to meet your parents, help you raise your kids, or spend my valuable time trying to help you figure out who you are, what you want, how you feel, etc…

Some of you don’t need a Domme; you need to see a trained Psychiatrist. That is not something I want to get involved in. If I am going to listen to anyone whine, it will be my husband, one of my boyfriends, or one of my best friends.

The moral of the story is this:

Do not come at me with “What are you doing?” or some other boring-ass bullshit that wastes my time and shows your lack of personality.

And please, for the love of god, do not come at me with a bunch of feelings about how confused you are.

Example:

“I think I am femme and I want to dress up in panties, is that okay?”

That is up to you, dude.

It doesn’t happen to be my kink, but it is not my responsibility to tell you if it is yours or not, or if it is okay. Only you know that.

Figure out your own shit because I am not your shrink. It’s not my job to do emotional labor for you, and you would have to be pretty interesting for me to want to set up scenes for you.

Also, if you want to be “trained” then pay for it like everyone else. (But not from me because I am way too busy for that shit.)

Sub Drop

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I recently made a comment about Sub Drop, and was met with a blank look. I thought this was a term that everyone in the kink community knew, so I was surprised to find that it is not. Since it seems to be needed, here is a brief explanation.

Submitting to another person is usually a very emotional experience for anyone. This is sometimes part of an overall relationship, or sometimes part of a stand-alone scene. However, going into sub space and allowing oneself to be vulnerable is very intense even if there is not a deep emotional connection (or any connection at all) between partners.

Obviously this is different for every person, and so it is very hard to describe the feeling. However, a friend of mine once said; “It takes a great deal of courage to submit to and trust another person.” I believe that is true.

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Because submission is such an emotional experience, it’s important not to finish a scene and then part ways immediately. Of course, every scene should end with after-care, where you hold the submissive and let them gradually come out of sub space.

Even when the after care is over, the submissive is usually still emotionally vulnerable, and so it is best not to leave them alone if possible. If the submissive must be left alone, they should be encouraged to have a friend come over and be with them, just in case.

In situations where the submissive is left alone, they often experience something called “Sub Drop,” where their already vulnerable emotional state overwhelms them and they become extremely depressed. This is something that a Dom or Domme must do their best to avoid, as this can make the submissive adverse to future scenes, and can be very hard on them.

Remember, if a person is brave enough to submit to you, it is your responsibility to respect that courage and to do your best to be good to your submissive. Without submissives (and switches who chose to submit), none of us would able to enjoy our kink, which is to have someone to dominate.

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A Kinky Threesome

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Her clothes, topped with pink panties, on my end table in the morning.

Her clothes, topped with pink panties, on my end table in the morning.

She walked in and the three of us sat around my table. I made tea. Pet is going to Top her tonight, and I am going to supervise. I might even jump in. I haven’t decided.

In the past, when pet told me he was a switch, I found him a Malaysian girl to Top. It was cute because she thanked me every time they played. However, I haven’t seen him as a Dominant and I am curious what that looks like. So, now I am sharing my pretty little princess with him. As I watch, he is doing his first formal scene negotiation, paperwork and all. She fills out the forms and he reads them with a smile. I clear the tea and he says to her:

“You should be naked now.”

She looks alarmed.

“You’re not serious!” she says to him. Then she looks at me for help. “He’s not serious, is he?”

I just smile.

She takes her clothes off slowly, and folds and stacks them on my end table. Pet watches like a hawk, and he is grinning from ear to ear. It is the most adorable scene to watch! I stand back while he puts her cuffs on.

He takes up her riding crop. He’s never used one before and he looks both nervous and excited. He tries it out, running it along her skin. He starts to hit her softly, but he’s clearly afraid to hurt her. This makes me smile.

I watch him as he toys with her with the crop, and then later with the flogger. He considers the nipple clamps, but seems to decide against them at the last minute. While he is considering the various toys, I decide I can no longer resist. I walk over to her and start to caress her pretty little frame. I love the way she leans into my touch, like a playful kitten.

When pet sees what I am doing, he joins me. She doesn’t seem to know what to do now, writhing against both of us while we run our hands along her body and kiss and bite her skin. At one point while I am biting her nipple and he is nibbling her neck, our eyes lock. I have felt, these last many months, a growing fondness for my pet. At that moment though, we are united in thought and purpose so perfectly, and we are moving in harmony over her body. It is perfect, and at that moment, I love him. Anyone who can share such an experience without jealousy or awkwardness; who can simply enjoy the series of perfect moments with me… well… what more could anyone ever ask for in another human being?

We devour her in a series of positions. We tie her to the couch. We play with her on the table. At one point, pet picks her up and holds her with her back to me, while I flog her. He tosses her around like she weighs nothing- and I know she DOES weigh nothing to him because I am twice her size and he can toss me around.

Eventually we go upstairs and they have sex while I watch. They are a mass of skinny legs, muscles, and heaving chests. I am enthralled They are more beautiful than the people in porn, and I can’t believe this much sexiness is actually in my bed right now. I reach out and touch her breasts, which are shaking as he fucks her. They are so perfect. Not for the first time, the night feels like a drunken dream, where everything is perfect because in your mind things can be just as you imagine them. It’s rare that my reality is this amazing, and I enjoy every second.

So many fun things happen that night.

At one point, pet wants to switch because she wants to see me beat him. I tie him to my balcony and hit him as hard as I can. When I use the flogger he jumps, and I snap it hard so the sound echoes off the walls. Pet cries out a few times. She winces at the sound, and he jumps in pain again as I switch to the crop. The whole time though, she grins. I hit him over and over, and she is just there in my chair looking on like an excited little kid.

“Why is this so hot?” she asks me.

I just smile.

After I beat my pet, I put him on the floor. He curls into a little ball, and she plays with him and pets his head while I finger him. He’s shy and doesn’t want me to fuck him in front of her, so I don’t. I just finger him and spank him. She seems very amused by this.

We all spend a lot of time cuddling each other on the floor. It’s where we ended up after sex on all the furniture. I watch them move against each other and I am amazed at how perfect their bodies look together, like a god and goddess on loan to me from some unknown heaven. Her skin glows softly in the candle light, a perfect amber color. When pet puts his arms around her his muscles flex and he looks so strong and powerful. They are incredible.

At some point, after we get into bed again.

Before we fall asleep, when she first comes upstairs, she lays with me. I hold her tightly in my arms and she whispers sweet words to thank me for the scenes, and to tell me how much fun she had. I hold her against me and feel her soft, perfect body.

This, right here, is what happy feels like.

Pet joins us and we put him in the middle. It’s winter and it’s very cold. Pet is warm. So while he spoons her, I spoon him. We drift off to sleep easily, and all of us are perfectly happy.

Misconceptions

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Ah, the age old power struggle over who belongs in the kitchen…

 

I’ve had a lot of people act really uptight at play parties and stuff lately. I feel like there’s this misconception that because BDSM involves pain, and sometimes discipline,  it somehow has to be serious all the time.  BDSM does not have to be taken too seriously. Lots of people have fun with it!

Perhaps some of this overly-serious behavior comes from the fact that the desire to get involved in the community is something people usually have for many years before they find a way in. I feel like BDSM urges often end up buried pretty deep in someones’ mind. By the time they finally get up the guts to express them, they’ve been feeling shame about having such urges for a long time. Don’t be ashamed! There is nothing wrong with wanting to join our awesome community!

There is also this misconception that has cropped up a lot because of 50 Shades of Grey, in which people think a submissive in bed equals a submissive all the time. On the contrary, I find that it is the most powerful, aggressive people who have the desire to submit sexually. I have had powerful men come to my dungeon, and I feel like it’s the control and leadership they display every day that makes them crave some total and complete submission at night.

Sure, some people are always submissive. However, I wouldn’t ever presume to make assumptions. I meet couples often where one is always telling the other what to do out in public, but then I’ll talk to them more and realize their roles reverse in bed.

Also, I have a of girls ask how they can incorporate sex into a scene where they are being a Domme. The have this idea that being fucked in a submissive act. It’s not; and it’s absolutely possible to be a female Domme and still have sex as part of your play. You just have to know what you want, and order your partner to do it.

I can’t dispel all the myths about the community in one post, but those are just a few things I’ve had on my mind lately that I needed to get out.

/end rant

Subspace

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Picture of cute subs in my hallway.

I have been asked a lot about how to get into subspace. This is a really good question, but it doesn’t exactly have an answer. Or rather, I think it’s different for everyone. I’m better at giving advice to Dommes about how to put a sub into subspace, but I was asked to write something specifically for subs, so here goes:

Acceptance: First, you have to accept it to find it. That means that, no matter how headstrong you are, you can’t ask your Domme to “break you” so you can find subspace. If you want to submit, then you have to let yourself submit. A big part of it is letting yourself be under someone else’s control and learning to let go.

Enthusiasm:  Even if you’re not feeling it, do what your Domme asks you to do with enthusiasm! Don’t repeat phrases like “I’m your slut” in a whisper. When your Domme gives you a phrase to repeat for call-and-response, say it like you mean it. Do everything like you mean it, until you do.

Stance: Having a good posture is very helpful. Feet together! Don’t slouch! Head up and eyes lowered respectfully! Make your body submit and your mind will follow.  A lot of our mindset comes from our posture, so be very mindful of this.

Focus: Shift the focus in your mind off of you. Don’t worry about your goose bumps or your knees being soar. Think of how your goal is to please your Domme and make them happy. Only let yourself think of how important it is to please your Domme.

Disclaimer: This makes me sound like an asshole, but these are helpful things to keep in mind during a scene, so you can find subspace for the first time. Obviously during after care, you will want to voice all concerns with your Domme. Did she hit you too hard? Were you cold? What did you find sexy and what did you find distracting? Let these things flow out of you after the scene is over. Talking is important! Communication is key!

I’m not saying you should forget your happiness because of course, if you have a good Domme, her focus IS your happiness. All I am saying is that during a scene, if you keep these things in mind, I think it will help you find that special place where you are outside of yourself and your problems, and you are in a pure submissive state. That’s the peace you’re chasing, so hopefully these tips can help you find it!