Tag Archives: bisexual

Born This Way

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The human brain is a fascinating thing. When you really think about it, it’s terrifying that your consciousness resides in a lump of salty fat that only weighs about three pounds. The fat is tickled by electricity, and we call it thought. Protein chains form, and we call them memories. Yet, all you really are is a salty little fat ball.

My first degree was in Psychology. That was in the 90’s when we still taught that personal responsibility was the cure for addiction. My professors also felt like Prozac was a magic pill, and that it truly healed people. While I enjoyed the opportunity to navel-gaze and unravel the mysteries of my soul, I’m pretty convinced that the LSD I dropped on the weekends had more power to fix me than anything I learned from the field of Psychology in the 90’s.

I kept up on all the research, even though I veered off the therapist path and into communications for my second degree. Your local library probably has access to Lexus Nexus, meaning that you curious folks can simply get a library card and have access to all the scientific research you want. Or, if you’re more for the pre-digested content, science journals are available for free at the library, too.

The most interesting research related to who and what we are has not come from Psychology. Rather, it has come from the fields of biology and genetics.

As a teen, I tried all the things. However, I didn’t get addicted to anything. I picked up and set down addictions with an ease that made others hate me. To me, they weren’t addictive. Quitting smoking, meth, or anything else required nothing more than my desire to do so. Many people whom I loved dearly resent me to this very day for not being subject to the power of addiction.

Yet, my Psychology classes said addiction was a disease that could be overcome with willpower; the same for all people. I knew in my gut that this was wrong, and that’s why I never bothered to become a therapist. I didn’t believe I could talk people out of addiction. I’d seen the absolute power it held over others, and that no amount of will power could help them.

When we finally sequenced the human genome, I was vindicated. Sure enough, there were a variety of genetic markers that contributed to addition. After having my genome sequenced in South Korea (where your genetic blueprint stays private and cannot be sold) I was unsurprised to find that I have none of the markers for addiction.



However, it’s more complex than that, and this is where biology comes in. Full disclosure: I have actually been trying to get over microbiology since I was a kid. I took my first microbiology class when I was 17 at Paradise Valley Community College. I was avoiding chemistry, which I didn’t develop a taste for until my 20’s. I thought it would be an easy class. It was easy, but it was also the stuff of nightmares. In the words of John Oliver: “The human body is a carnival of horrors -and frankly- I’m ashamed to have one.”

Glands secrete things. Chemicals that go into your bloodstream attach to receptors in your brain and other parts of your anatomy. Hundreds of types of microscopic life lives within you, in symbiotic relationships and adversarial relationships. Herpes crawls into your nerves and lives there until you die. The bacteria from 100 dirty travelers who scratched their sweaty balls resides on the bar on the subway that you’re supposed to hold to keep from toppling into the people near you. When you kiss, bacteria eating your partners teeth hops onto your teeth and begins to feast. Worst of all, microplastics -being so foreign that your body cannot process them- accumulate in your brain, your glands, your veins, and all other parts of you, gumming up the works and making your immune system go haywire.

Your body is gross, (at a microscopic level). What is really neat is, each of us is more different than fingerprints. We react differently to medications, environments, and every other stimulus. Each of us is our very own chemical cocktail. And, while your entire frontal lobe might be overrun with dopamine receptors causing you frustrating lapses in organizational thought, I lack the receptors for opioids and those suckers do literally nothing to me. This is good when fending off heroin addiction, but a real shame when coming out of surgery and having nothing buy Tylenol to dull the pain.

As humans, we are all so different that it’s actually shocking to me that we react similarly to anything at all.

Where I am going with all of this?

Well, science has yet to uncover what makes someone kinky, but I’m convinced that there must be something biological that explains it.




A Few Examples

• I figured out how to masturbate when I was five years old. I didn’t know a thing about sex yet, but I didn’t have to. I knew all about pain, and that is what turned me on. At first, it was only my own pain, but in my 20’s when I worked as a Dominatrix, I began to appreciate helping other people enjoy pain. However, it has to be wired into us pretty deep. I didn’t feel attracted to another person until I hit puberty. I spent 10 years masturbating to pain before I ever even felt the desire to have sex.

• Some people are drawn to kink. When they find it, it’s exciting and new, but underneath the exciting and new there is something else. Familiarity. Comfort. A feeling of finding one’s place in the world that can only come from getting to know your soul. It’s as instinctive as knowing that you’re gay, and as easy to be sure of as your own gender.

• Often kinky people try to have vanilla relationships at some point in their lives. They do this for various reasons, but that’s not what concerns me. The thing I find interesting is that even in vanilla relationships, us kinksters -myself included- tend to overlay kinky scenarios onto our sex lives so that we can still derive some kind of enjoyment from sex.

We Are Bias

I was once in a relationship with a guy who was demisexual, and really couldn’t stomach the idea of kink. I loved him very much, and going into the relationship I thought I’d “talk him into it over time.” Maybe some of you have done the same. It’s called the False Consensus Effect. Basically, you assume that because you are some type of way, others must be that way, too. You see this all the time with sexual orientation. Bisexual people always assume that everyone is at least a little bit bisexual, and hound their straight friends looking for some sign of same-sex attraction. Meanwhile, straight people often try at some point in their lives to nurture a same-sex attraction; like a woman who is “done with men” but still wants to have sex and be close to people. And yet, if you’re straight, you’re straight.

This absolutely goes for gender as well. I’m transgender, so for a long time I refused to believe that anyone was actually cis. I figured everyone had tendencies toward other genders from the one they were assigned, but they just felt unable to express those feelings due to societal pressure. Wrapping my brain around the fact that cis people exist was wild. I’m not healthy enough to transition, but I’ll always be a boy anyway.

We actually don’t have the right to take credit for most of who we are. It’s all pre-loaded. We get a gender, a neurotype, specific genes, and so much more before we’re even born. The more I study neuroscience, chemistry, biology, and genetics, the more I realize that we take a lot of credit we don’t deserve when we are proud of who we are. There is so little that we get to choose, and so much that is assigned to us.

I’m positive that kink is one of those things. I know people openly shame us for our behavior and see us as deviants. I know we’re basically looked down on by every vanilla person on Earth. But then, so are gay people and it’s not a choice for them, either.

I know in my soul that this is who I am, and that nothing in my environment or my upbringing could have changed me.

I was born this way.


Orientation Series: Sexual

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So far in the orientation series, we have talked about kink/vanilla, gender identity, and poly/monogamous people. The last pizza of the puzzle is a person’s sexual orientation.

Here is some of the things considered to be sexual orientations:

Straight: Attracted to the opposite sex.

Gay: Attracted to the same sex.

Bisexual: Attracted to men and women.

Pansexual: Attracted to everything.

Asexual: Not really attracted enough to anything to want to have sex.

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Now, these are narrow boxes created by narrow people. That means they don’t cover all the shades of sexual orientation that there are. For example, my husband is Heteroflexible. This means that he is mostly attracted to women, but he is also kind of just down to fuck. If there was a line of people of various genders, he would go for the female ones. But, if there is not a willing woman about or if the mood strikes, well then, whatever.

The most important thing to remember about orientation is to not let people force you into a box. People are fluid and adaptable, and they do not belong in boxes. If you are a lesbian who is mostly into girls, but you think you might want to have sex with a boy, then don’t let your lesbian girlfriends dissuade you! Try it. Maybe you’ll like it.

My sexual orientation out of gate was straight. This is because before puberty I still considered myself a boy, rather than what I am now (a boy living in a girl’s body.) And before puberty, I only had eyes for women. There was this girl named Samantha that I can remember wanting to kiss so bad that I thought the whole world must be able to hear my thoughts creaming out of me. I wanted to run my fingers through her hair and touch all of her skin and breathe in her smell. She was tall, blonde, and extremely pretty. I wanted her more than I ever wanted anything.

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I never got Samantha to give me the time of day, but I did find my very own pretty blonde when I was twelve. Her name was Summer, and she actually looked a lot like Samantha. We messed around every time she slept over.

Back then, I never looked at boys. I saw them as friends, but not as anything to be interested in. Girls at school talked about this or that famous boy being hot, and I was unable to think of anything to say. My celebrity Crush was Cindy Crawford. Then later, Angelina Jolie.

I went though puberty the summer before High School (which is really late, and I like to think my sheer determination to be a boy is what delayed it a few years). I started to unwillingly take on some female traits, because as I have said, form sometimes dictates behavior. You might be a boy inside, but you become at least partly female once you start getting periods and realize the enormous burden that your body is dictating that you must carry.

Periods. Birth Control. Pregnancy. Menopause. Holey shit.

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In High School I experimented with dating boys. It didn’t really fit. But then, sex with girls hadn’t exactly fit either (since I couldn’t have sex with them the way I instinctively thought that I should.)

However, I can’t remember being attracted to a boy until college. His name is not important. We called him “Pretty.” He was annoying as hell, but he was so delightfully feminine. He didn’t grow hair on his face because he was Native American. He had soft angles and curves. He wore his hair long. And, he was a moody little bitch. I was in love at first sight. Somehow his feminine qualities made it make sense.

After awhile, I started to genuinely appreciate men. I mean, I still don’t check them out in the streets. I never got that far. And I do still turn my head every time for a pretty woman. BUT, there is something about sex with men that is easy and fun. Their bits fit bits fit with my bits, and if I don’t think about it too much, I can just be in my body instead of in my head.

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However, I have found myself attracted to all sorts of people. Sometimes it’s pheromones (like the court jester I ran away with this one time.)  Sometimes it’s an intellectual attraction, like my rocket scientist. And sometimes it’s just convenient and easy and who cares cuz sex is fun?

I mean, sometimes I think people overthink it too much because it’s just sex. I have had sex with most of my friends, and it’s just one of those things were you think “I wonder what it would be like?” And, if it’s bad, of well. We move on because I am a goddamn adult and I can do that. Sometimes it’s good, and it becomes a thing we just do whenever we are in the same place and it’s not a big deal.

However, I respect that some people really just NEED to be in a box. Those people tend to pick a label, ignore all feelings to the contrary, and try to stick with their entire lives. And hey, that’s cool. If you want to be in a box then you should be. However, I notice that these people can sometimes be really judgmental about people like me. So for those of you who really love to cling to your label and only be one thing: I am totally cool with that. But, you know, leave me alone about what I am into. Because, like, it’s just everything.

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Polyamory Series: Poly & Kinky

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This post is part of an ongoing series of posts on Polyamory, for those who have questions about us. You may want to read the Introduction first to get an idea of what this is all about.

Today, I want to focus on how BDSM is related to the poly lifestyle.

First, let’s look at a generic situation, and then we can look more at specifics.

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In this example you have a straight wife who is submissive. Her husband is a straight male who is dominant.

I tend to think of Poly as an orientation so even if these two matched up perfectly and didn’t need anything from anyone else, I would still argue that they may want to date other people because that is just how they are. I firmly believe that people who are straight and only submissive or only dominant can still have fun and rewarding experiences outside of their primary relationships.

In fact, some people argue that kink can be completely different (and sometimes more fun) with people that they don’t feel as strong of an attachment to. So in the couple above, the man might love his wife too much to feel comfortable really objectifying her. However, that might be her biggest kink. So if she wanted it, she would have to look outside the relationship.

It seems like there is a higher instance of poly people in the kink community, and this may be why.

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Above is me.

I am going to use myself as an example now. It is sort of uncomfortable to do that, but it is easier than trying to make up an example so here goes:

When people ask “what I am” at a munch, there is a lot for me to process. I am a lot of things, and I think all of those things are important and make up who I am. So here are my many orientations.

I am:

1. Poly-amorous, and monogamy has not ever gone well for me.

2. A switch in terms of kink, though I lean more towards Dominance.

3. Pansexual, meaning that I am open to all genders/sexes.

4. About 60% female because of my body and the behaviors that my body dictates, but about 40% male because of how I think and feel. 

I am married to a man who is a switch, but our interactions with each other never switch. I am always a Dom for him, though I can switch or be submissive with other people.

My husband is a switch, but is always submissive with me. He can switch with other people, but our dynamic would make it uncomfortable for him to switch with me.

So polyamory is actually necessary for us to fully express who we are as kinky people. Our kink is part of who we are, and our orientation as poly-amorous people allows us to get everything we need, instead of settling for only one part of the larger whole.

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Of course, this can all get extremely complicated. I once dated two other bisexual switches and none of us ever knew what we wanted, or from whom! But then, that is part of the fun. I know it looks hard from the outside, but you get used to it when it is who you are.

Poly Couples

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I often meet people who are skeptical about poly-amorous relationships. They tell me no relationship is really happy if the people in it sleep with other people. They are deeply rooted in a cultural stereotype that monogamy is the  only path to a happy relationship.  Videos like the one above (Carrie Underwood- Before He Cheats) sell an idea that sleeping with more than one person is grounds to destroy property and act irrationally. TV shows and movies all sell the same cultural stereotype, and I have yet to see a portrayal of a poly couple that was actually happy.

Now, on this blog I have defended monogamy in the past. I see nothing wrong with it, and I know that it is right for some people. I respect monogamous relationships, and I don’t sleep with people who are in monogamous relationships.

However, I now feel compelled to defend open relationships. This is a post I have been driven to, by a great many people who tell me that I am not really happy. They stand outside my life, and the judge things they cannot possibly understand. And they tell me that I am not really happy with my choices. Because of this, I have finally been forced into a post I never wanted to write, about why I choose not to be monogamous.

First, let me start by saying that I have tried and succeeded at having a monogamous relationship. It lasted for several years. I never cheated once, though I wanted to and often tried to convince him to have threesomes with me and other girls (which he always refused.) So, it’s not like I am just a whore who can’t walk 10 feet without tripping and landing on a penis. I am an evolved human who can control my baser instincts if I must.

Second, I am bisexual. So for me, being monogamous means giving up either girls, or boys. This is hard for me, as I really enjoy both. I am passionate about women in a way I can’t be with men. I fall for them. I am the kind of person who buys flowers and writes poems and tells them that they are beautiful every single day. I love women. But women are complicated. They have several emotions at once, which often keeps them from just wanting to have simple, uncomplicated sex. I like men for their ability to ignore emotions and just have a good time. I also like them for their loyalty. I do not like to have to choose one or the other, when I adore both so much!

And third, I like variety. Yes, you can do many different things with the same person. You can role play and switch around your BDSM roles. You can wear costumes and play parts and you can choose to look them in the eye or not. I do get that. And I am not discounting the ability to make the same person continue to be interesting after a lot of years of sex with them. That is a real thing. However, it’s not just about sex for me. It’s a psychological thing. I like the way different people react to me. I am so in love with the feeling of people falling in love with me. I am seduced by the act of seduction. I love new experiences through the eyes of new people.

So these are my reasons for being unwilling to enter into a monogamous relationship any longer. I used to allow people to make me feel guilty about these things. I used to let them push me into feeling like I was somehow wrong inside, and that my way of thinking wasn’t okay. But I don’t let people push me around anymore.

I am currently in several relationships. Some are just sexual. Three involve real feelings, and are real relationships complete with love and trust. Each relationship I am in is very important to me. I value each of the people who let me share a part of their lives, and I make sure to show them in every way I can that they mean a great deal to me.

The relationship that means the most to me is with my collared Pet. That is because I love to create cool experiences for people, and I love how adventurous Pet is. He will try anything to impress me, and he usually has fun. I really love open-minded people. And Pet is more than open-minded. He’s excited to be put in situations, even if he may not like them, because he wants to try things before deciding he doesn’t like them. And he’s great to share girls with because he doesn’t get jealous or make things complicated.

Now, I have been told that if we can so casually sleep with other people, it means we don’t love each other. I have tried to be understanding of why people say this, but really it’s just getting frustrating at this point. I love Pet passionately. I love the way he thinks, I love the way he acts, I love his sense of humor, and I love his body. There isn’t anything about him that doesn’t make me swoon. And Pet loves me, too. Our other relationships don’t diminish this in any way, and they never have. (We have always been Poly.)

I didn’t want to write this post. I just got tired of being told by people who don’t understand my relationship that it isn’t a valid life choice. My life choices are my own, and I will never judge you. Please afford me the same courtesy.