Secrets and Lies

September 25, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

After some of the shit I’ve seen lately, I think I need to start by saying I love my husband. Pet; you’re wonderful and I hope you realize how glad I am to have you.

On to the topic of secrets and lies:

I can’t believe some things require saying, but life is full of weird situations and I understand that sometimes it’s hard to avoid things that you’d maybe rather not do.

But look; secrets and lies are bad.

I come from a very sex-positive mindset. I trade STD tests with potential partners and get myself screened every six months. I am in a happy, healthy, poly marriage. I am a straight-forward, no-nonsense kind of person.

With that said; not everyone can be this way. People find themselves in weird situations. For example, in the military it is very against the rules to have sex with someone who is of lower rank, because they could feel coerced and this is comparable to rape in the eyes of our armed forces.

But if you are of a high rank, and there is no one else around that is, what are you supposed to do? Star Trek TNG confronted this a few times. A good example would be the episode where Jean Luc falls for one of his officers and then has to send her into danger on a planet. They discuss the moral issues involved with that, and the emotional ones. And in the end they decide it isn’t worth it.

Now I don’t know if you guys are Star Trek fans, but I think if Jean Luc Picard can fall into a moral quandary over sex, then I’m sure the rest of us can too.

So what to do in these situations?

Well the key BDSM rule is “safe, sane, and consensual.” I think that applies to all things.

But let’s look at an example or two.

There is a couple I am friends with who just broke up. And two weeks after the break up, the guy got married to a completely different and seemingly random girl.

Now, he swears that he never cheated in the 5 years he was with his girlfriend in a monogamous relationship. But I don’t know which is worse. Cheating is pretty bad (cheating as defined by lying to your partner about who you’re having sex with). But marrying someone you don’t really know after two weeks is also bad. So I’m not sure what’s up there, but it’s probably bad ju-ju all around.

So the girl went all Carrie Underwood and wrecked all his stuff.

First: Ladies, let’s be classy. What kind of person does ridiculous shit like wrecking another person’s car or setting their things on fire? Come on. You are better than that. And while I’m at it, don’t hit guys either. Just because they probably won’t hit you back, doesn’t make it okay.

Second: Guys, c’mon. Really. Don’t do shit that is going to get you in trouble. If you have negotiated a monogamous relationship then don’t cheat. If you don’t want to be in a monogamous relationship, then don’t negotiate one.

I know that for a guy, it’s considered crazy to turn down a girl who wants to have sex with you. But look; it’s all about the greater good. Secrets and lies blow up in your face eventually and it never ends well. Having sex with co-workers, cheating, and other devious shit is bound to get you in trouble.

I know there are grey areas and sometimes it seems like you can have ALL THE THINGS and not get caught. And I know sometimes you just give in to impulses you can’t help and think “Oh fuck it, what’s the worst that could happen?”

But don’t be surprised when things get all fucked up because you lied. And yes, lying by omission totally counts.

If you want to be with someone who needs a monogamous relationship, then you should commit to it.

And well, if you’re like me and you just want to be wild and free; have the courage to tell people that. Defend who you are and your lifestyle, and stand up for yourself. Because if you hide who you are you will become ashamed and full of self-doubt. It’s not a good way to be.

Secrets and lies are bad. And I can’t believe I have to say that, but apparently I do.

And one last note while I’m on a role: Ladies please stop planing your life around guys you just met. It’s weird. Seriously. If you’ve known a guy for a few weeks, or even a few months, do not start naming the kids you want to have together or altering your whole life to be with them. People can get tangled up really quickly. Stuff ends up at the other person’s house, things get borrowed, etc… Don’t get tangled up any quicker than you have to. Be your own person. That’s really important.

If it happens too fast, it’s probably not healthy.

Oh, and for the love of all the gods living and dead, leave me out of it if you’re going to lie.

Power Dynamics

May 21, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

A recent conversation with a friend got me thinking about power dynamics in relationships, and some bi-products that can happen.

He had complimented me, and I thanked him. I expressed surprise, because I do not receive a lot of compliments. He said I must be surrounded by assholes, but of course, that is not the case.

I tried to explain that I think it is about power and intimidation. I have a very imposing personality, which I didn’t always have. And when I was more shy, I know that people complimented me more. But working as a Dominatrix really centered my personality and gave me a confident air. This confidence can be very hard for men to deal with. I am forceful, strong-willed, and opinionated. I often compliment men, in fact. This really throws them off. The world has (for some unfair reason) been set it up so that boys chase girls. Men are not used to being chased, complimented, or even spoken to by a woman in a confident and self-assured tone.

Obviously this is not true for all people everywhere. This is a broad generalization of typical behaviors. In the BDSM world, I think it is less common. It’s more of a standard in the vanilla world. But many women in the BDSM community DO choose to be submissive, and so they do mimic the vanilla world in some ways. One of those is having men pursue them, and being somewhat shy.

It is my theory that the person who holds the upper hand in a power dynamic is more often the one who chases their partner; giving compliments and buying presents. I’m not sure if my readers agree, so feel free to comment. And of course please understand that I do know some relationships have an even power dynamic. It’s just that in my experience, that is rare. Generally one person is more dominant and in control.

I just think that submissives can feel of sense of reverence and almost worship for their Dom or Domme, and they do not necessarily ever express this in words. They can be shy, and unsure of what to say. But I think those of us who are Dominant can feel this, and do not need to hear words to understand it.

I could be wrong. Maybe it’s not true for everyone. Maybe there is something specific about me that causes this. But it seems to me that other Dommes have mentioned this to me before. So I am going to go ahead and assume that it is normal.

And to be clear, it doesn’t extend to much else. I have done a lot of scene negotiations and I am good at putting people in a comfortable place to talk about sex. I try to make sure that my subs can feel safe talking to me about anything.

So it’s not like people struggle to talk to me. But I feel there is a correlation between my intimidation level and compliments. And that’s okay.

I just wanted to point out that I do NOT think it is because I am surrounded by assholes.

Feminism in BDSM

May 5, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Feminism in the BDSM community is a confusing issue. Of course, feminism means being able to do whatever you want regardless of your gender. So, being a stay-at-home-mom is fine if you chose it, and being a career woman is fine if you chose it. Because the point is the freedom to have your own opinion and make your own decisions, regardless of gender stereotypes.

That being said, the majority of the couples in the BDSM community here in Portland (and other places I have been) seem to be male Doms and female submissives. And I KNOW those women are choosing to be submissive so it shouldn’t bother me (as long as it’s a choice it’s okay, right?). Yet somehow, it really does bother me sometimes.

I mean, I’m not the only one having these issues. The internet is full of women debating this. So I tried to narrow down what exactly it is that bothers me about all the men and women playing out “traditional gender roles” in the bedroom. (Traditional gender roles as per society throughout history; i.e. women being submissive to men.)

Now, as you know, I worked for several years as a Dominatrix. I spent a lot of time dominating men. So, unlike most women who have written about this issue, I don’t fall on the submissive side of things.

Some have suggested that being mostly a Domme means I’ll just never “get it.” But, I have switched before, and I do sometimes take a more submissive role. I’d like to think I have a well-rounded perspective on the subject. Or at least, enough all-around experience to have a decent idea of the various opinion involved.

So here’s the deal:

Men in lots of countries in the world still buy and sell women. Women are still exploited in many ways. My friend in Pakistan posts awful stories about girls being forced to marry men older than their fathers. The sex trade in places like the Philippines is disturbing. In Iran, women are stoned to death for the crime of being raped.

And even in countries that think they are progressive like the USA, studies show that women still make less money than men, and are still pushed into secretary and teaching positions, while being pushed away from engineering and science.

We have a lot of work to do all over the world to reach equality.

And when you realize that, you have to accept that women were submissive socially to men until very recently; and for most of recorded history in most countries around the world. Men have nearly always been in charge of the government and the courts in societies, and as such, they have almost always controlled the destinies of women.

I know this is why it bothers me to see so many women acting as submissives. I want women to be equal to men socially, in every society on Earth. And because they are not, I sometimes get frustrated that so many women choose to be submissive.

So I’d like to apologize to any female subs I have offended over the years. I am trying very hard to be accepting of your choice. Just remember to make sure it IS always your choice, and let’s keep it safe, sane, and consensual.

Used As a Toy

April 10, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Not too terribly long ago, I went to visit my favorite pet. I’ve written several scenes involving him on this blog, and I hope you won’t mind one more.

I was too lazy to use rope on him. I simply had him strip, and then put leather cuffs on his ankles and wrists. I linked them together with clips.

(*Which you can buy along with almost anything at stockroom.com. I don’t have any affiliation with them, but I do dig their selection and they are very discrete. )

After he was tied up I blindfolded him and spent some time teasing him. I played with his penis, fingered his ass a little, and nibbled on his ears. I felt myself starting to get all dripping wet, the way I do when I tie him up and tease him. So, I rubbed my wet pussy against his leg and whispered “I can’t believe how horny it makes me to tease you like this…” He trembled as he felt the lips of my pussy brush all along his legs. And I said “What should I do next, my pretty pet?”

He answered “Whatever you want.”

I thought about un-cuffing his wrists from his ankles so I could stretch him out and ride him for awhile. But then I thought, “He did say whatever I want, so maybe I’ll just ignore him and spend some time on myself…”

I rolled over on my back and started to rub my wet fingers on my clit. I could feel it swell and become harder as it filled with blood. I moaned.

Poor pet, blindfolded and stuck on his back with his ankles and wrists locked to each other, was completely unable to make a move to join me. He struggled against the cuffs, but they were too strong. He pleaded with me, “Oh mistress, let me help!” but I ignored him.

I reached for my dildo and stuck it in my ass, pinning it against the mattress under me. I started to move against it, but not thrust the way a guy would. Just a gentle grinding that hit all the nice spots inside of me. I kept moaning while listening to pets’ pleas.

It was then that I decided I needed another dildo.

Since I did not have one, I decided to use my pet. I un-clipped his ankles from his feet, while keeping his ankles clipped to one another and his wrists clipped to one another. This gave him just enough freedom of movement to follow my instructions as I told him: “Get on top of me and slide inside of me, but do not thrust. Hold completely still.”

I then began to grind softly against both his cock and the dildo, moving just enough to massage my clit on the inside while I rubbed the outside.

Pet tried to start thrusting but I grabbed the riding crop by the bed and hit his ass with so much force that the whole room echoed and I screamed “Bad pet! You are just my little fuck toy, do you understand? I am not here for you to get off. You are here for ME to get off, and for that to happen I need you to hold still.”

He held still then, but made sad little whimpering noises while I continued to grind softly against him and the dildo, until I finally came up to the edge of orgasm, and spilled wonderfully over into twitchy happiness.

Once I recovered, I whispered softly in Pet’s ear: “Good pet. You’ve done well. And as your reward, you may fuck me now, as hard as you want.”

After such an intense orgasm, his thrusting inside me felt amazing. I let him ride me as hard and fast as he could until he finally asked me “Mistress, may I cum now?”

“Yes pet, I said softly. Yes, you may cum now.”

He shuddered and fell on top of me. I unhooked the clips that bound his wrists and ankles, but left the cuffs on.

He would remember, as long as we laid in that bed, that I owned him and he was my toy.

Variety is the Spice of Life

December 7, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I was reading a blog on NPR about race preferences in dating. The claim is that men favor Asian women, and women favor white men.

I had never really given the subject much thought before. If the stats say it’s true, then I suppose it probably is. But I would guess this is less prevalent in the kink community.

I dated a black girl who looked amazing in vinyl and had the softest hair. I dated a blonde, because every now and then you need a blonde. I’ve been with Mexican girls, a Malaysian girl, European girls, and I even had sex with a hooker in Thailand. (This is just to name a few, because as my blog name implies, my sexual history is a very long list.) And the only thing I can promise you is that race never really entered into it. I love a kinky, attractive girl. But I never stopped at Club Desire in Seoul and thought “Boy, I am glad this sex club is all Korean women.”

The reason I think this is true is that for folks in the community, kink is the biggest factor. Is someone kinky? Great! That makes them attractive. Does their kink match ours? Super! Now they’re more attractive! And race is just so far down the list of deciding factors that it never actually enters into the decision.

But I want to know, by private message or comment on this blog; do you think this study applies to you? Do you agree with the idea that attraction is subconsciously and inherently racist?

Because I think those of us in the kink community are less racist than the general population would seem to be.

Secretly, I’m A Switch

November 23, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

The beautiful Betty Paige

I am a switch. That means that I can be both a Dominant and a Submissive. Now, every switch is different in how it works for them, but I am just going to describe how it is for me.

Mostly, I am the Dominant one. I worked as a Dominatrix for several years and in general, I am just given to being the more aggressive person in a relationship. I have dated a lot of people, and had sex with a lot more. In almost all of those relationships I have been the Dominant party. It is what comes most naturally to me.

However, sometimes I meet someone that I can switch with. It has only happened 3 times in my life, but it does happen. I’ll find someone I trust, and who I am comfortable with. And I can be submissive with them.

There are lots of different types on Subs and Doms out there. My good friend Hexavier is a Sadist. That means that he likes to hurt people. It also means he matches up best with girls who really like pain. Not all submissives do, but the ones that do fit well with him because he likes to hurt them and hear them scream.

This doesn’t match at all with me. As a sub, I am more into the psychological aspect. Restraints and fear and all that can be fun, but I don’t actually like pain. Sure, a flogging is nice. But really painful stuff just isn’t fun for me. I like the kind of Top who has fun making a girl squirm in pleasure; not in pain.

Some look at pain as a necessary aspect of BDSM. And perhaps a little pain here and there is necessary. But it’s not like all Doms take pleasure in causing others pain. For me; I enjoy setting up a scene and playing it out when I know it’s something my submissive will like, and I know they will have a good time. For example, on my favorite Pet’s birthday last year I set up a threesome with myself and an Asian girl. That was something he always wanted, and it was fun to make it happen. However, when a sub of mine genuinely does enjoy pain, then I enjoy inflicting it. A former pet loved to be beaten, and so I would hit her as hard as I could for an hour at a time. You see; when I set up a scene, it’s not about me.

I could throw a lot of terms and labels at you for all of this. But I guess since this blog is more meant to be for amateurs than scene kids, I won’t. The point is that a switch can play either part in a scene, and though I can rarely find a worthy Dom, I am secretly a switch.

24/7 Play

November 4, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

A rather cute couple

I recently got asked about the difference between 24/7 play and “only in the bedroom” play. So, thought I’d write a quick post about it.

First, I should mention that most of the couples I know fall somewhere in the middle. That is to say, you do not have to be exclusively one or the other. I think it happens in most couples that one person tends to lead and one person tends to follow.

I should also note that those roles are not always the same as a person’s BDSM roles. I know of lot of submissives who are very authoritative outside of the bedroom, and I know a lot of Dommes who are very easy-going and agreeable outside of the bedroom. So real-life roles and BDSM roles are not always the same.

But let’s skip the stories about CEOs who end up in a dungeon begging a girl in thigh-high boots to spank them. That is most certainly a thing, but it is not the subject of today’s post.

So BDSM “only in the bedroom” means just that. You walk out of the bedroom and become two individuals on even footing, with no power dynamic at play. That’s easy to understand.

Where it gets complicated is in a 24/7 power exchange. I think when people ask about the difference between BDSM in the bedroom and all the time, what they really want to know is how a 24/7 relationship works.

A 24/7 power exchange means that a couple finds ways to work BDSM into every aspect of their lives. The submissive will have a collar to wear in pubic. Something simple that does not attract unwanted attention. And their Dom or Domme will tell them things they must do each day, such as writing assignments (explore a scene you want to play in an e-mail to me), forced masturbation (you will masturbate until you orgasm in the bathroom at work,) etc…

A subtle collar, like a sub would wear in a public setting

I have no opinion on which is better. I know some people who have gotten far too into a 24/7 exchange and lost their own identity for a time, but it seems to me that they enjoyed it. The biggest drawbacks that I see are when a break-up happens. That is why I think leather families are so important, as well as having protectors and people who look out for you. It seems to me that there is no relationship harder to leave than a 24/7 power exchange.

I am not currently in any. I have been, but I generally choose to keep my kink to the bedroom. In real life, I want someone to tell me where they want to eat and what they want to do. I want them to offer opinions and challange me intellectually. I am not saying those things can’t happen in a 24/7 exchange. I am sure they can! But they never have for me. All the 24/7 exchanges I have been in involved a person who gave their will over to me, to the point of expecting me to pick out their clothes for the day and keep track of what they ate. It as a lot of work, and unlike some Dommes, I did not get off on having that much control.

Each couple must choose for themselves what they think is best. But remember people; safe, sane, and consensual. A good Domme never looses sight of the well-being of their submissives, and always protects their free will, while keeping their best interests at heart. If you’re going to be a Domme, be a good one who cares deeply for your submissive and makes sure they are always okay, and never too lost in you to know what is best for themselves.

Spanking Tips

June 15, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

My paddle

It was brought to my attention during a recent weekend trip that I need to go over some basics.

Today I will go over the basics of spankings.

Now of course, you can do whatever it is that you prefer and my advice is meant only as advice, and nothing more. I just want to give you some tips, and you can take them or leave them.

First, remember that as a good Dom, everything you do must be done with your submissive in mind. You do not want them to have a bad experience. So when you are planing a scene, you should look at it from their point of view.

I have no idea what situation you will have your submissive in when you decide to spank them. Perhaps they will be over your knee, bent over a couch, or bound and gagged. The situation isn’t important.

What is important is not to go nuts right away. Start light, to learn what your submissive can tolerate. Perhaps caress them a little, smack them lightly at first, and see how they react. You don’t want to start with a hard smack, because this will immediately put them into a defensive and uncomfortable mindset.

I tend to start with a few light taps, and slowly build into harder and harder hits. I try to vary where I hit my submissive, so I don’t make one spot too raw too quickly.

As you get to know a submissive better, you can learn more about what they enjoy. After a scene, perhaps your sub will tell you that you hit them too hard and they didn’t like it. Maybe they’ll say they like it harder. Maybe they’ll challenge you to leave them black and blue and unable to sit down. That has happened to me.

Just remember that it’s always polite to start out slow and build up over time. And don’t forget aftercare! If you’re into S&M, you need to learn to talk about sex. That’s just the way it is. You can do it laying together, sitting down over tea, or however is most comfortable for you. Just make sure to get feedback.

Poly Couples

June 3, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I often meet people who are skeptical about poly-amorous relationships. They tell me no relationship is really happy if the people in it sleep with other people. They are deeply rooted in a cultural stereotype that monogamy is the only path to a happy relationship. Videos like the one above (Carrie Underwood- Before He Cheats) sell an idea that sleeping with more than one person is grounds to destroy property and act irrationally. TV shows and movies all sell the same cultural stereotype, and I have yet to see a portrayal of a poly couple that was actually happy.

Now, on this blog I have defended monogamy in the past. I see nothing wrong with it, and I know that it is right for some people. I respect monogamous relationships, and I don’t sleep with people who are in monogamous relationships.

However, I now feel compelled to defend open relationships. This is a post I have been driven to, by a great many people who tell me that I am not really happy. They stand outside my life, and the judge things they cannot possibly understand. And they tell me that I am not really happy with my choices. Because of this, I have finally been forced into a post I never wanted to write, about why I choose not to be monogamous.

First, let me start by saying that I have tried and succeeded at having a monogamous relationship. It lasted for several years. I never cheated once, though I wanted to and often tried to convince him to have threesomes with me and other girls (which he always refused.) So, it’s not like I am just a whore who can’t walk 10 feet without tripping and landing on a penis. I am an evolved human who can control my baser instincts if I must.

Second, I am bisexual. So for me, being monogamous means giving up either girls, or boys. This is hard for me, as I really enjoy both. I am passionate about women in a way I can’t be with men. I fall for them. I am the kind of person who buys flowers and writes poems and tells them that they are beautiful every single day. I love women. But women are complicated. They have several emotions at once, which often keeps them from just wanting to have simple, uncomplicated sex. I like men for their ability to ignore emotions and just have a good time. I also like them for their loyalty. I do not like to have to choose one or the other, when I adore both so much!

And third, I like variety. Yes, you can do many different things with the same person. You can role play and switch around your BDSM roles. You can wear costumes and play parts and you can choose to look them in the eye or not. I do get that. And I am not discounting the ability to make the same person continue to be interesting after a lot of years of sex with them. That is a real thing. However, it’s not just about sex for me. It’s a psychological thing. I like the way different people react to me. I am so in love with the feeling of people falling in love with me. I am seduced by the act of seduction. I love new experiences through the eyes of new people.

So these are my reasons for being unwilling to enter into a monogamous relationship any longer. I used to allow people to make me feel guilty about these things. I used to let them push me into feeling like I was somehow wrong inside, and that my way of thinking wasn’t okay. But I don’t let people push me around anymore.

I am currently in several relationships. Some are just sexual. Three involve real feelings, and are real relationships complete with love and trust. Each relationship I am in is very important to me. I value each of the people who let me share a part of their lives, and I make sure to show them in every way I can that they mean a great deal to me.

The relationship that means the most to me is with my collared Pet. That is because I love to create cool experiences for people, and I love how adventurous Pet is. He will try anything to impress me, and he usually has fun. I really love open-minded people. And Pet is more than open-minded. He’s excited to be put in situations, even if he may not like them, because he wants to try things before deciding he doesn’t like them. And he’s great to share girls with because he doesn’t get jealous or make things complicated.

Now, I have been told that if we can so casually sleep with other people, it means we don’t love each other. I have tried to be understanding of why people say this, but really it’s just getting frustrating at this point. I love Pet passionately. I love the way he thinks, I love the way he acts, I love his sense of humor, and I love his body. There isn’t anything about him that doesn’t make me swoon. And Pet loves me, too. Our other relationships don’t diminish this in any way, and they never have. (We have always been Poly.)

I didn’t want to write this post. I just got tired of being told by people who don’t understand my relationship that it isn’t a valid life choice. My life choices are my own, and I will never judge you. Please afford me the same courtesy.

Going Vanilla

March 10, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

We’ve almost all tried it…

Sometimes the scene can get a little uncomfortable where you are, right? Like, this one time when I was dating 3 guys who I assumed all knew that we were not exclusive (since it had never come up and I had never agreed to such a thing).

Meanwhile, they were working on the opposite assumption that not talking about it meant we were committed. So they “find out” about each other, and my stuff gets thrown off of a balcony. And I thought; well I’m not moving, but everyone in this scene is mad at me right now. So… maybe it’s time to date outside until things cool down and I can tell my side of the story.

I am not, by nature, given to monogamy (which eventually everyone agree is okay as long as the people I’m dating don’t ask for monogamy and I sneak around.) In time, my side was heard and everyone came around and decided the guys were assholes for how they planned out the whole throwing my shit into a parking lot thing.

However like I said, at first it was tense and I didn’t want to turn up at a fetish prom for awhile. That’s when I met a nice vanilla boy who took me shooting in the desert with his Mouser and his SKS, and told me that I was pretty. And I thought; eh, what the fuck? I’ll give it a try.

To this day, it was my only monogamous relationship, and my only vanilla relationship as well.

So what of it?

Well, often I see people asking; can kinky people be happy with vanilla people? And that is up to each person to decide for themselves. Me personally, it lasted for 2 years. We dated longer than that, but I only managed to be happy for two years. The rest of the time I just hated him.

It’s not like I didn’t try to open his mind a little. I took him to fetish proms and hung a whip by the bedside. But he was willfully ignorant of anything BDSM related, and when I tried to bring it up he always seemed to be busy or uninterested.

Now of course, there are always different variables at play. Every situations is unique and I can’t tell you what will happen to you. But for those that have asked if I ever had a vanilla relationship; yes I did. And no, it did not work out. I ended up being very unfair to him and picking fights over nothing because I was unsatisfied in bed. And he was good too. The sex was great and he always got me off before we got to the penetration part of the sex. If I were a vanilla girl, it would have been the best sex of my life. But I am me, so I got really bored.

It’s just my experience. And it’s in response to a faithful reader who asked. I’m not trying to tell you how it is, and your relationship may be different.

For me though; yes I tried it. I went vanilla. And no, I will not go back.

magicallydelicioussuperslut

I want to do things to you that you'll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Tag Archives: BDSM