Tag Archives: BDSM

How to Talk About Sex

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When I plan a scene with a person or people whom I do not know well, I use kink negotiation forms. They have boxes to check for things you agree to and do not agree to, blanks to write in ideas, and more. Find an example here. This is good because miscommunication often leads to bad sex, and no one wants to have bad sex.

However, once you get into a long-term relationship, you will probably move away from forms and try to talk to each other about sex without ink and paper being involved.

First, let me start with what my ex-husband did because it’s good to start with what NOT to do.

I would try to bring up a new thing I wanted to try.

Me: “I was thinking that I’d really like to do a role-play scene for my birthday this year.”

Him: “No. I don’t do role play.”

Me: “Well, we can talk about who the characters would be. I’m not saying it has to be anything specific. I just thought we could try being different people.”

Him: “I’m not talking about this. I said no. Respect my boundary.”

End of conversation.

Many of you will point out how he is misusing the language of consent by setting a boundary that subjects cannot be discussed, rather than setting a healthy boundary on something after discussing it. That’s true. But, we won’t spend too much time going into all the issues with his side of the dialog. That’s not the point.

The point is: How could this have gone better?

As I tried to explain to him, it’s not okay to dismiss something out-of-hand before letting your partner explain themselves. There are a lot of reasons for this:

• If you do not let your partner explain what they are asking for in detail first, then they will walk away feeling unheard and disrespected.

• If you create resentment in your partner due to refusing them without hearing them out, they may express that resentment by saying “no” to you in the future, so keep in mind that relationships are about TWO people, not just one.

• If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might find that you are into it after all.

To go back to the ex-husband example:

 Once I asked him if we could try upside-down throat fucking. He immediately said no and refused to discuss it further. I went on a rant about feeling disrespected and unheard, and about how hurtful it was to always be refused when I asked for things. This made him silent, because when he was mad, he would refuse to talk at all and instead would just glare at me. Usually I gave up, but this time I kept talking. I said:

“Look, you probably said no before even thinking it through because from your point of view it seems like something to degrading to do to your wife. All I’m asking is that you consider it from my point of view. I don’t hang out in my own head when I’m having sex because I’m a non-op transsexual. I jump into your head. I have my eyes closed, and I am seeing the scene from your point of view. So, I’m asking you to do something that I want to do to a woman with the dick that I was supposed to have. I think it’s hot because it’s something a woman can’t possibly enjoy. There are no nerves there to give pleasure. There isn’t any clit to stimulate. It’s hot because it’s only for your pleasure and the woman is just being used like an object; a human fleshlight. All I’m saying is, I was born in a female body, but unfortunately, I was also born with the mind of a pretty gross guy. I’m not proud of it, but it’s something that I want. And I just thought you might be able to enjoy the fantasy with me.”

At the time, he sat there in stony silence, quietly hating me for pushing him to discuss things and care what I wanted. However, later I found that he’d been watching a bunch of porn about upside-down throat fucking. It became a fetish of his because I described it in a way that made it sound hot. Now, he continued to pretend that it was gross and refuse to do it with me, but that’s just because my ex-husband is basically the biggest douchebag on Earth.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it’s an example of bullet point three: If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might end up finding it hot after all.

I married my ex because he never said “no” to anything, and he was always up for new adventures. Once he had me trapped in marriage, he began to refuse any new things or anything fun. I have no idea why. I hope he works through that with his therapist or something. But, little-by-little, he became a completely different person after the wedding, and it was not the person I married.

Saying ‘no’ is pretty cruel when someone works up the nerve to ask for a secret sexy desire. And -while I apologize for lacing this post with my own post-marriage trauma- it’s relevant because what he did really hurt me. Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut. I have made a living for much of my life from writing kink erotica, hitting people for money, and throwing fetish proms. Sex is a huge part of who I am. And yet, even I feel shy when asking a new person for a new thing. It’s putting yourself out there and taking a risk, and being slapped down hurts all the way to the depths of your soul.

So don’t say ‘no.’ Say things like this instead:

• I’m curious to know what about that appeals to you. Would you be willing to tell me about it?

• I’d like to know more about how you visualize that working with us. Can you describe your vision?

• Can you tell me why I might enjoy this fetish?

 Even if you end up not being into the idea, you don’t have to say ‘no.’ My husband liked to say things like: ‘Absolutely not,’ or ‘There is no universe where I would be okay with that.’ Outright refusal is for assholes. Instead, try things like:

• I appreciate you sharing this with me. I’m not feeling it tonight, but let me think about it and do more research.

• I can see that this is important to you. Can you send me some links to some videos of it so I can try to get interested, too?

• I’m not sure if that would be safe for me. I would like to talk with my doctor about it and see what she says, and then I’ll get back to you.

• I won’t say ‘no’ because I know it took courage to ask; but is it okay if I say ‘not right now’ and give it some more thought on my own?

I once saw a meme where a guy is sitting at a computer and he clicks on a link to a porn video. He says: “That is sick! Who the fuck would be into that?” Then it has two frames of him just starring at the screen. In the final panel he says” “Oh shit, I guess I’m into that.” All I’m saying is, you might look into it and realize you are willing to give it a try.

I remember when I first thought about fisting. I have tokophobia (probably wrapped up in being trans,) and so I was instantly turned off by the idea because it was too close to the idea of giving birth.

However, I dated a guy who was amazing with his tongue and used to see how many times he could get me to orgasm in a night. It was like a fetish of his or something. He enjoyed getting me off, and he was good at it. Around the third or forth orgasm he would start putting fingers inside. One, then two, then three… until eventually his whole hand was inside me. He never exactly asked if he could, but then again, I was in too much ecstasy to protest. It reminds me of that old joke:

Her: “I’m not interested. I’m completely straight. I like men.”

Me: “Honey, you are spaghetti. You’re straight until you get hot and wet.”

I realize that sounds a little rapey -and I assure you I only ever said it to tease my good friends- but there is truth to it. Lots of things seem gross when you’re not turned on, but seem less gross after a few orgasms. And, if you have someone who is gifted with their tongue, that can make a lot of things seem less disgusting than you originally thought.

My ex husband said ‘no’ to a lot of things in more than a decade of marriage, and I don’t believe that any of them were fair. Most of them cost me a lot to ask for. After all, I have more than the average amount of shame wrapped up in sex and genitals since I have the wrong ones. (I always tell men: If you’re attracted to me then you’re at least little bit gay because I’m a guy.)

He said ‘no’ to trying romantic sex where we looked into each other’s eyes. He said ‘no’ to anal sex. He said ‘no’ to role-playing. He said ‘no’ to switching roles and topping me once in a while. He said ‘no’ to a MMF threesome. Etc… etc… etc…

I carry a lot of pain from how shitty he was. Some of it is wrapped up in refusing to have conversations about things or seek solutions to problems. Some of it is in how controlling he was. Some of it is in how lazy and mean he was. But the two biggest things that hurt me was:

• Saying ‘no’ to everything I wanted to try in bed.

• Harassing me for dressing up at home and bullying me into buying pajamas; which is not a thing I ever owned before I met him.

Some would say that the wrecking my cars drunk and having secret debt was worse. To each their own, I guess. But I know what hurt me the most, and I’m telling you from experience: Don’t just refuse to talk about things your partner wants to do in bed. It’s cruel.

Don’t Make Assumptions; Ask For What You Want

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This post is going to start with a tale of two rape fantasies (called “Consent Non-Consent” or “CNC” scenes). Trigger warning for anyone who might not want to proceed, because this content will get a little upsetting.

Snake Boy:

I dated a guy whose name I won’t use, but we’ll call him “Snake Boy” because he had a ball python (a normal pet in some places, but an odd choice where we were in South Korea).

Snake Boy asked me if we could do a rape scene. No one had ever asked me before, but I don’t shy away from trying new things so I said that I’d be happy to try if it. He didn’t give me any porn to watch to explain what he wanted, nor did he give me examples of the things he thought this would entail. He asked for a rape scene, and I agreed.

I asked Snake Boy to go outside and come back in sneakily, and I would pretend to be asleep. This way I could secretly enjoy one of my kinks (being fucked awake) while he enjoyed one of his.

When he snuck up to my bedroom, grabbed me, and penetrated me, I did exactly what some women reading this will recognize and understand: I held very still and cried quietly.

Some of the men reading this need more explanation, I know.

Basically, it goes like this: One in four women admit to being raped. The other three are probably just too ashamed to admit it. There are a lot of men out there who rape women. Don’t get upset. It’s just a fact. It’s not one guy doing it all. It’s a lot of them. And -while I’m not saying you are one of these men- if your ‘go to’ move is to get offended, then maybe you should look at that.

Women have learned through hard life experience that if you are raped, the best thing to do is to stay quiet and not fight. Women who fight get beaten and killed. I was actually beaten nearly to death and dumped in a dry riverbed to die when I was sixteen years old, and it was because I fought back.

Therefore, if you want to live, you stay very quiet and try not to move until it’s over. Maybe you even say something about how you enjoyed it so that you have a better chance of getting away. Men are much more likely to kill you if they think you will press charges. But if you say: “I’ve always wanted to do this” or something else that makes them feel safe, you’ll get away.

This is complicated by the fact that most men who rape you are ‘nice guys’ who you know, and that means you’ll see them again. The worst is when they assume that because they raped you, that means you are now their girlfriend. If you’re Autistic like me, this may lead to some very complicated situations in which you try to get the guy to go away because you know they are a dangerous rapist, but they keep following you around calling you their girlfriend.

One guy -we’ll call him ‘Roach’ because he reminded me of a cockroach- dragged me from the bathroom where I had been throwing up to his bedroom and raped me even though I said ‘no’ and tried to push him away while nearly passed out on the floor with puke on my clothes and face. The next day he started calling me his girlfriend and bought me a card where he hand-wrote a note about how special I was. And they say women play mind games.

Anyway, Snake Boy was very upset after the scene and told me: “That wasn’t a rape scene. You didn’t even struggle. Why would you think that is what I meant by rape?”

The audacity of these motherfuckers, you know? What a jerk.

But let’s move on to the second rape scene with The Vampire. No, he wasn’t Goth. It’s just that Twilight came out the same year I met him and his name was Edward, so I teased him mercilessly about his name and asked him why he didn’t sparkle in the sunlight. He’s dead now so I could use his real name, but I’m going to stick with The Vampire because it makes me laugh.

The Vampire asked for a rape scene, and then gave me a jump drive with a bunch of porn on it. He also rented a hotel room for the scene, and dressed up in black clothes and a black ski mask. See, he told me exactly what he wanted, gave a convincing back story about being a hotel employee who saw me check in and wanted me, and dressed the part. It was very sexy.

This time, I threw myself into the role as it was explained to me. I acted just like the girls in the movies he’d given me, with a lot of theatrical struggling and yelling.

It was exactly what The Vampire wanted, but he should have given the hotel staff a heads up or rented a bigger suite, I guess. That scene was interrupted by the cops. Huge props to someone for thinking a woman was being attacked, actually calling the cops about it. Huge props to the cops for actually responding to such a call, in spite of the statistics (they rarely respond and almost never press charges for actual rapes).

My point is: You cannot assume that someone knows what you want.

Snake Boy made a few assumptions that he should not have made, including assuming that I had never been raped before in real life, and assuming that I watched porn (which at the time I still did not). We can fake the reality to impersonate porn, but reality -left to its own devices- is almost never like porn. There are silly moments, tender moments, and all sorts of other things that porn leaves out. And obviously, some things are portrayed in a fantasy way because the real thing is not very sexy at all.

There is one thing that makes me happy about these two scenes when I look back. I’m glad that Snake Boy was disappointed by me acting the way most women actually act when they are raped. That means most rapists probably don’t enjoy it very much, and I’m glad if that’s true.


Things You’ll Be Ashamed to Talk About in the Morning

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There’s a tagline I have at the bottom of this blog:

“I want to do things you’ll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.”

This can sound fun to some people, or upsetting to others. However, I want to talk a little bit about what I actually mean when I say it.

Sometimes men watch porn or go to a sex club and see a woman doing something they feel is “gross,” and they will say: “How shameful! She clearly doesn’t respect herself.”

Aside from the fact that these guys tend to have a lot of latent homosexual feelings, there is also an inherent assumption that certain sex acts are incompatible with self-worth.

Guys, when I say you’ll be ashamed to talk about it in the morning, it’s supposed to be a joke. I’m not trying to push your boundaries or make you do things you don’t want to do. I’m not trying to make anyone hate themselves, and I don’t agree with those who are judgmental about what other folks are into. I’m just making a joke about how society at large feels that you’re supposed to be ashamed of sex, and anything you desire. I know a girl who felt so much shame about her own body that she didn’t masturbate until she was in her late 20’s and already had four kids.  I think that’s unhealthy, and I think shame is unhealthy. My tagline is meant to openly mock the concept of shame.

That said: I also want to remind folks that you don’t know what is going on inside another person’s head. You don’t know why they are doing what they are doing. That’s why judging them is extra ridiculous. And -if you’re honest- I think you can admit that most judgment is actually rooted in jealousy.

Maybe it’s not that the woman having anal sex at the club doesn’t respect herself. Maybe it’s that you want a guy to do that to you, and you’re afraid you won’t respect yourself if you have sex with a man.

Keep an open mind, and don’t be ashamed of who you are or what you want.

We Are the Weirdos, Mister

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The fetish community is made up of so many different kinds of people. Society at large would probably call us freaks, but I like to think that we are a tolerant bunch (at least within our community).

Something I have always said -which I stole from the iconic Jay Wiseman- is:

“Your kink is not my kink and that’s okay.”

If you are a White guy who likes to sleep with Black women (or men) because of some plantation fantasy, then I will let you do your thing without any commentary from me. If you are a woman who likes to pretend to be a child and have sex with adults, have at it. I admit that -for me personally- things like diapering are a real turn-off. But if it’s what you want to do, then you should do it.

One thing I have noticed over the years is that there are some trends. Many people figure out they are kinky and they want to start with fuzzy handcuffs and stuff. As they get deeper and deeper into the community, they start doing weirder and weirder things to try to get the same rush they felt the first time. Soon they find themselves watching octopus porn on some obscure website on the dark web, because they can’t get off unless they watch a woman have a live octopus shoved up inside her.

This is -perhaps- the one good thing about Artificial Intelligence. In modern porn, you know that no octopi were harmed because computer generated pictures and video are cheaper and easier than finding a woman willing to do it with an octopus.

That’s just a random example dating back to a visit to Bangkok where I was handing a brothel menu with things like “smoking pussy” and “eels in pussy” on it. Stay weird, Thailand. Stay weird.

My point is, people often fall down those holes into the extremely weird. Sometimes it happens over the course of years. Sometimes it happens overnight.

Then, in time, people often come around to realizing that the fun part about kink is actually enjoying your fellow odd ducks getting off on whatever they are into. Maybe it’s just some light dirty talk.

“Oh master, fuck me harder. I’m going to cum!”

Maybe it’s being blindfolded so you don’t know what is coming.

You realize it doesn’t have to be weirder than last time. It just has to be savored. Whatever play you are engaging in, you just have to commit to your role and enjoy the uniqueness of that specific experience.

Anyway, we are the weirdos.

I’m just pointing out a trend I see which makes me feel like we really aren’t that weird. We just like to have interesting experiences, and I’ll never understand why there is a stigma attached to that.

Stop Being Shitty Doms

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I was speaking recently with someone who considers himself to be a “Dom.” I note that he considers himself a Dom, but I will also point out that I do not. I consider him to be abusive. I consider anyone who wants to get all the benefits and give nothing back to be abusive, and you should too.

The person in question does not care for his sub at all. He doesn’t tell her that she’s pretty, buy her gifts, or even ask her about her day. He just expects her to do things for him, and he doesn’t think he owes her anything in return.

That is not BDSM. That is abuse. If you are in a relationship like this you part of an abusive relationship.

Ladies (and men) who are submissive, I hope you will hear me on this one:

Your Dom owes you care and attention in return for your submission. You are owed respect for offering yourself to serve, you are owed aftercare when a scene in done, and you are owed orgasms. There are plenty of Doms out there, and it’s not hard to find one who will take good care of you. You don’t need to put up with someone who doesn’t treat you well.

And yes, I practice what I preach. I care for my Pet and always make sure that his needs are met. His happiness is -in part- my responsibility (since he has agreed to serve me.) So, of course I tell him that he is beautiful at least twice a day and cuddle him all the time. Of course I buy him presents and tell him how special he is and hold him after a scene. Of course I rub his back when he doesn’t feel good and make him food.

Anyone worth a shit will do this.

Please, let’s not perpetuate this culture of abuse. If you see someone being abusive, say something. I’ve heard enough guys brag about how they never do anything for their submissives and they don’t care about them at all. I’m sick of it. That’s why I told this wanna-be “Dom” that he can’t expect everything from his sub and give nothing in return. Sure, he got mad. So what? Fuck anyone who thinks it’s okay to be abusive and to hide their behavior under the guise of kink.

If you can’t care for a pet, then don’t adopt.

Being in a Slump

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So I have actually talked a lot about this subject before.

For example, I’ve written before about setting up a scene. And, I’ve written about enticing your Domme.  I think both of these posts kind of address what to do when you’re in a slump:

Set up a scene the way you want it, and entice your partner to join you.

Relationships (of all types) do take work. People get comfortable, they get bored, and they get exhausted with life sometimes. It’s normal to feel that way, and it doesn’t mean that anything is wrong with you.

That said, I was asked to address the specific aspect of kink as it relates to health (or lack thereof.)

This is actually really important because more than half of the Millennial generation suffers from some kind of chronic illness. There’s a lot of autoimmune diseases out there. It didn’t used to be so prevalent, but it is now thanks to our irresponsible policies concerning radiation (I won’t go into that because it’s not what this blog is about, but I put a link to a government study admitting that they poisoned us.)

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First, I want to point out two things that I think are really important:

1. Kink isn’t only about sex.

2. Relationships aren’t only about sex.

If you are too sick to set up a scene and entice your Domme, that’s fine. There’s is plenty of value in cuddling on the couch with your head in their lap while they pet you. There is value in bringing your Domme her heating pad when her back hurts. The act of serving your Domme and of being cared for by her is part of a healthy kink relationship, and it’s every bit as important as sex.

A lot of us feel pressured to live up to some ideal of what someone else is doing or what someone else has. But when a friend asked me to write about kink and chronic illness I was like “It’s not just you- that’s me too. We’re all sick.”

My point is, you don’t need to impress some mythical person who has sex twice a day. You don’t even need to impress your healthy friend who has sex once a week (which honestly- do they really?)

Stay confident. Stay content. Your life is good enough even if all you can manage is once a month. You’re still kinky and your relationship is still valid. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You just have to find out what you can handle, and do that.

You are good enough.

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I Don’t Feel Like Prancing

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I have moved to a new place, and I should be out getting to know people. However, I’ve been battling some pretty serious health issues lately, and I just haven’t had the energy. (I’m really old.)

Being laid up gives you time to scroll. I do spend time reading and doing things that are better for me, but I spend more time than I should scrolling. It makes me think about how saddened I am by the BDSM community (and the world at large) these days. There’s just so much attention-seeking, and everyone is fighting for “likes” and “shares” and validation.

We didn’t used to be like that.

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I hate to be that shitty old person who is like “Things were better in my day…” But a meetup back when I was younger was more about talking to like-minded people and sharing a connection over our mutual freakishness. I loved that.

Now, you go to a meetup and there’s a bunch of people just assessing you as “fuckable” or “not fuckable” and there’s so much less productive conversation. I don’t even think it’s generational. It’s older kinksters at these meetups too. I think it’s just what we’ve become.

It’s like everyone is out to commodity every relationship in some way and see what value the other person can have or what validation they can give.

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I’m not touchy-feely as a rule (probably due to being raped- which really did put me off strangers.) But when I spoke at this convention a couple years ago, everyone there was really upset by my standoffishness. They’ve reduced the concept of “connection” to touching, which is not at all the same thing.

I’m tired of feeling like the only thing going on in the kink space is a meat market full of peacocks.

I don’t know… I guess I’m just not looking forward to doing it all again. I’m too exhausted to smile and validate people and act like I care what they think of me. Why don’t we have munches for those of us who are deeply cynical, don’t care about attention or validation, and who just want to bullshit with other freaks? I don’t feel like putting on my slut-costume and prancing right now, so can we just hang out and chat?

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BDSM Resources

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LadyPimPuppyPlay


It’s been a while since I’ve done a post about helpful resources for new kinksters, so I guess I’ll do one.

First, it’s awesome to learn from the people who are out there putting in the time to teach. I highly recommend Jay Wiseman, Midori, The Knotty Boys, and Janet Hardy. I’m not much of a teacher myself, even though I do my best to mentor the kinklings. But the real pros have more information and it’s better organized. Look to them.


Here’s Hardwire


Second, it’s all about head space. Where you exist in your mind is where it’s at. You can have a kink relationship with a vanilla person without them even knowing it by choosing to submit or to dominate in your own way and viewing the relationship in those terms in your own head. Seriously, kink happens in the mind.

Since kink is in your head, confidence is your biggest asset when you want to play a scene. For that, I recommend some great music. I like Faderhead, Element a440, Marilyn Manson, and Hardwire. However, you should find what works for you and makes you feel sexy and in the space that you want to be.


Here’s element a440.


Third, don’t buy cheap toy sets from a sex shop. Get some good quality leather that will last longer and be more fun to play with. You can find awesome vendors for cuffs, custom collars, floggers, and paddles. Just do some digging. If you won’t search for independent vendors, at least go through somewhere like Stockroom.com instead of Castle Boutique. (No offense to Castle- but they do carry lower-quality kink gear.)

There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to be you, but the main thing that defines the kink community is our focus on consent. In the vanilla world men touch women without consent and pressure them into things. We’re not like that. You should probably fill out a negotiation form or a BDSM Checklist before you play, and you should make sure never to get pushy and rapey with someone (unless they specifically tell you that their kink is for you to be pushy.) Communication is the best way to avoid confusion so TALK TO EACH OTHER.

Honestly, we make a lot of this stuff up as we go because BDSM is like Polyamory: It’s not represented in culture and there are not examples in your day-to-day life to model. But if you need a mentor, join Fetlife.com and go to a munch to meet people. We’ll help you.


Here’s Faderhead

Teaching

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I haven’t written  in ages because I’ve been really sick (not with a virus; like- the serious kind of sick.)

However, I was inspired to by a girl we’ll call Cupcake. She put out a call on a vanilla social media platform asking for advice on being a Domme. I hooked her up with a link to Midori, (a master) and didn’t think much else about it.

Then she wrote to me again. She had some interactions in the kink space that she wanted to discuss. Of course my initial response was to put her off. I’d never win any prizes in a narcissism contest because I’m firmly convinced that there are a million better teachers out there. But then I thought, well, I’m the most available to her and so I should help.

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As Cupcake and I talked, I felt inspired. I often get sort of bored with life (and kink) for periods of time. I guess it’s partially due to my health problems and partially due to the general existential crisis all conscious beings go through from time to time. Yet, I found myself pulled out of it by seeing kink through fresh eyes, as a new and exciting adventure.

This- when you get right down to it- is why those of us with decades of experience should be teaching and giving back to the newbies. We often feel put-upon when grilled about things we have explained hundreds of times, but we forget that it keeps the love of kink alive inside of us, too. Seeing anything in life through fresh eyes makes it beautiful again.

So, dear followers, find yourself a Cupcake of your own and be a mentor. It’s important so that the newbies learn to treat each other with respect and to value consent above all else. But it’s also important to keep us engaged so we still show up at munches and participate in the conversations.

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How Do We Cope?

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I’ve been thinking a lot about my country, and about how hard it is to see it falling apart. I look around the world, and I see that other places have the same problems with rising income inequality and increased xenophobia. I don’t want to debate which is worse: US immigration camps or Australia’s immigrant prison island. Let’s just admit that we’re all doing it wrong.

For those of us who are kinky, this is particularly hard. They are taking down websites on the thin justification that “you could meet a prostitute” on them. We all wonder if our favorite kink sites will be next.

In addition, we see more puritanical laws going into effect. The government is seemingly bent on attacking anyone they don’t deem as “normal.” As a pansexual queergender polyamorous human, that is making me very nervous for obvious reasons. I know many of your feel the same. I have been watching a TV show called The Good Fight in which they tackle some of the issues we face in this new conservative era, but there is nothing out there that is truly representative of our struggle.

So how can we cope with this? How can we live each day in fear? How can we get past our social anxiety and our legitimate concern about being marginalized and get out of bed in the mornings?

For me, the answer is to fight back. I can’t be on the defensive. I can’t be the one always backing down. I have to be the one who sees he bad thing coming and rushes headlong at it like an idiot. That’s how I am going to cope with this.

I have always voted, but now I am pushing my friends about it. I also “came out” to my friends and family on Facebook so they would know that they know someone who is effected by this climate of hate. And, I am writing a series of romance novels to normalize kink.

Now, before you say that there are already some good books out there that portray kinky characters as normal humans, relax. I know that. But there are not enough of them. There are too many people reading “50 Shades of Grey” and thinking that is who we are. There are too many people who read the Beauty Series and think that kink without consent is sexy.

I want to lend my voice to the people who are writing about BDSM in consensual relationships. I want to write about how we slowly come into our own in the kink community after some soul-searching and some effort. So with that in mind, I’d like to tell you about The Jamie Johnson series.

It starts with a main character in a mostly vanilla relationship with only a little kink. She feels unfulfilled but unsure if she can find better (because I think we all started out that way.) In the second book she leaves her mostly vanilla relationship and experiments with a few sex clubs and stuff. And finally, in the third book, she figures out what she really wants and she finds it. As the character evolves and more kink is introduced, you can watch her grow as a person and become more confident and comfortable with who she is. It’s a process that I think any fully realized kinkster had to go through, and it humanizes us for the “normal” folks.

Obviously, I have made sure to include consent as a huge theme. I hope to show people that kink can absolutely be sexy even after a lengthy scene negotiation. I genuinely think that we are easily vilified and portrayed as “other” because people don’t understand us. This is my best attempt at combating that. And they are modeled after vanilla romance novels (of which I read 26 before starting this project to try to understand them.) This will hopefully make them palatable to vanilla people who will then come to see us as normal.

Book One: Love & The Desert
Book Two: Love & The Rose City
Book Three: Hearth & Home

The first two are on sale now on Amazon, and the third will be available in time for the holidays, so please feel free to give a friend the gift of ethical kink this year!