Category Archives: Trips and Tricks

Setting Up a Scene

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Some paperwork and my Domme hat

Some paperwork and my Domme hat

I was asked to walk through setting up a stand-alone scene involving sex. I am going to give that a shot now. (Remember I don’t  have that much experience outside a dungeon, and my ideas are not meant to be taken as anything other than suggestions.) To define what I mean; stand alone scenes would be those that are not part of a relationship. Both parties have agreed they want to play, but they are not dating.

To start, I like to do paperwork. (Pictured above).

Yes, this can feel really silly sometimes. Paperwork is not the first thing most people think of when they think of sex. So let me explain why I do it.

1. Submissives often feel nervous about telling me what they want and what their boundaries are. In addition, many service-oriented subs are most interested in pleasing the person they are allowing to Dominate them, and so that further complicates things because they’re both shy about talking, and not keeping their own desires and limits in mind. It can make it hard to get solid answers to things. Having a checklist with “yes” and “no” is nice and solid.

2. There is a certain amount of nervousness that is always involved in playing with someone. If you don’t know the person well, that can be compounded quite a bit. Paperwork is a nice way to easy into things. You’re talking about sex and that makes things start to get exciting. But, it’s structured and feels safe.

3. If you plan to hit a person hard enough to leave marks, it never hurts to have a checklist where they said they wanted that (just in case). Most people are sane and nice enough. However, the odd crazy person can slip by and having consent forms and a checklist of things your submissive agreed to may not get you out of trouble, but it sure as hell won’t hurt.

I like to make tea during the whole paperwork experience. This is because it helps calm a person if they are sipping tea, since it’s such a normal activity. Also though, it sets a time limit. You have a cup of tea, but then it’s time to begin the scene. To clarify; I don’t mean a set-in-stone kind of thing. I just mean that in your head you can keep in mind that a cup of tea is about the right amount of time for a scene negotiation, and that when you clean up the teas cups you can sort of lead into play from there. It’s a nice way to naturally transition.

Dressing up helps too, in my opinion

Dressing up helps too, in my opinion

Second; clothes!

Sure, in a relationship you might not care about what you wear. I know a couple who like to play in pajamas because they want to be comfy while they play. That’s totally cool and like I always say; do your own thing! However in a stand-alone scene, I find that clothes can add an air of credibility to something that might otherwise feel uncomfortable. It’s hard to explain why, but it’s one of those things that I have noticed from trying it both ways. My guesses as to why it works are:

1. Big Domme boots and a scary hat and tend to help people find subspace. Playing with someone you don’t really know, it can be hard to feel trusting enough to go into subspace with them. However, there is just something about the boots that gets people’s attention and makes them feel more compliant.

2. I usually slip into the Domme role fine and feel 100% at home there. However some people can trigger a moment or two of nervousness or doubt. The right clothes can really give a person confidence though- as any social scientist will tell you. A big part of having the right head-space is often dressing the part.

Of course there is probably more to it, and it may be different for everyone. I can only speak to my own experience. It just seems to me that clothes make a big difference.

Make sure your toys are laid out and in easy reach

Make sure your toys are laid out and in easy reach

This is pretty obvious I guess, but make sure the toys you plan to use are all laid out. This allows your submissive to inspect them first and make sure they feel okay with everything. They may want to test the size of a ball gag or make sure a dildo doesn’t look too big. And of course, it also makes it easier for you later when you’re actually playing the scene.

I don’t have a picture for the last one. It’s common sense of course, but make sure to avoid leaving anything sharp or dangerous out. You may throw your submissive around. They may stumble. It’s best to make extra sure that all sharp edges and dangerous things are out of your play space. Also make sure there is nothing that will be in your way when you swing a whip or flogger or whatever.

In general, I focus on creating the best experiences I can. That means attention to detail, and it also means being mindful of all the little things you can do to set up a scene beforehand. That way, when you start to play, you’ll have nothing to worry about but the way you and your partner or partners feel.

Bringing People In

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Yay bondage!

 

Lately, I have had a lot of people who are in vanilla relationships tell me that they want to know how they can introduce their partner to BDSM. I feel like it’s probably a lot of girls who just read 50 Shades of Grey and thought it was hot… and I’m going to skip over the larger issues I have with that and just give some generic advice.

First, communications is key. I have already written a post about scene negotiation. Talking about anything you find awkward in terms of sex follows the same process. Find the method of communication that is best for you, and be as open as possible.

I find that with BDSM, porn is only helpful sometimes. It’s good for little things, like: “See how they’re using nipple clams? I want to buy some of them.” It’s not good for entire scenes, because most porn doesn’t have scenes in it. It’s just people in leather and vinyl fucking. There’s not a lot of things that most submissives consider fun, like verbal degradation and structured play where a Dom gives orders and someone follows. The really degrading stuff (like making someone suck on your toes or lick your boots) doesn’t translate well into porn, because it’s the headspace you’re in at the time that matters, and you can’t capture that in a movie.

The absolute best way to communicate is to write out scenes. I know it’s hard to get up the guts to do this, but it’s the best way to introduce your partner to the idea and help them get excited to try it.

For guys, remember that I recommend contracts. If you’re going to hit a girl, you need to get it in writing that she said she wanted it. Maybe even have her fill in a worksheet or two with her various fetishes. Make sure you’re protected in case she goes to the cops later saying you abuse her. I guess I think this is a good idea for everyone, but it’s more important for men because women are not often brought up on abuse charges.

Remember that the most important thing is to be open yourself. You have to be able to talk about what you want openly and honestly. Practice in front of a mirror, or to your friends, or in whatever way helps. Write things down  first if you want. Just remember that if you’re not able to talk about it, you can not expect your vanilla partner to be okay talking about it.

I am always surprised at how much resentment can build up in a relationship because of sex. People feel like they can’t talk about it, so they just get more and more frustrated. Every time they have sex with their partner they think about what they want. Maybe they are thinking “I really need him to spank me” or “I don’t understand why she won’t suck on my toes.” If you don’t ask for what you want, then you’re not going to get it. However, it seems like people can be too afraid to ask, and then still resent their partner for not doing the things they want.

The moral of the story is this: Those words inside your head? I can’t hear those! You need to tell me what you want, or I can’t give it to you.

With me in particular, my favorite thing to do is make people’s fantasies happen. I love when people tell me about something they have always wanted and I can make it happen for them. It’s the same with the play parties I throw where people have a great time. I love creating experiences that people can enjoy.

HOWEVER, I can not read minds.

One final thought: A sense of humor is essential. If I fuck you in the ass with my strap-on, there’s a chance that we might have a little accident and there might be some poo that comes out. If I’m wearing 6 inch stilletto heels, I might slip and fall on the tile because it’s wet with lube. This stuff could be really awkward, or it can be hilarious. Make it hilarious! Laugh at the mistakes and moments that aren’t as sexy as you want. Have fun with it. Sex is supposed to be fun- even when there are whips and chains involved. You NEED a sense of humor if you want to have a good time while pushing boundaries and experimenting with new things.

A female friend was watching Sex and the City once when I came over. It was an episode in which one of the girls was worried that her boyfriend would never want to have sex with her again because she farted in front of him. I was so disturbed by this that it still makes me mad to think about it now.

With BDSM you learn that your body does stuff sometimes that you can’t control. You might start laughing uncontrollably due to shock the first time you get flogged. You might get air trapped inside you the first time you try fisting. All kinds of things that you don’t expect can happen. So please, keep calm and have a sense of humor about everything you do. A sense of humor has saved many, many relationships!

Subspace

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Picture of cute subs in my hallway.

I have been asked a lot about how to get into subspace. This is a really good question, but it doesn’t exactly have an answer. Or rather, I think it’s different for everyone. I’m better at giving advice to Dommes about how to put a sub into subspace, but I was asked to write something specifically for subs, so here goes:

Acceptance: First, you have to accept it to find it. That means that, no matter how headstrong you are, you can’t ask your Domme to “break you” so you can find subspace. If you want to submit, then you have to let yourself submit. A big part of it is letting yourself be under someone else’s control and learning to let go.

Enthusiasm:  Even if you’re not feeling it, do what your Domme asks you to do with enthusiasm! Don’t repeat phrases like “I’m your slut” in a whisper. When your Domme gives you a phrase to repeat for call-and-response, say it like you mean it. Do everything like you mean it, until you do.

Stance: Having a good posture is very helpful. Feet together! Don’t slouch! Head up and eyes lowered respectfully! Make your body submit and your mind will follow.  A lot of our mindset comes from our posture, so be very mindful of this.

Focus: Shift the focus in your mind off of you. Don’t worry about your goose bumps or your knees being soar. Think of how your goal is to please your Domme and make them happy. Only let yourself think of how important it is to please your Domme.

Disclaimer: This makes me sound like an asshole, but these are helpful things to keep in mind during a scene, so you can find subspace for the first time. Obviously during after care, you will want to voice all concerns with your Domme. Did she hit you too hard? Were you cold? What did you find sexy and what did you find distracting? Let these things flow out of you after the scene is over. Talking is important! Communication is key!

I’m not saying you should forget your happiness because of course, if you have a good Domme, her focus IS your happiness. All I am saying is that during a scene, if you keep these things in mind, I think it will help you find that special place where you are outside of yourself and your problems, and you are in a pure submissive state. That’s the peace you’re chasing, so hopefully these tips can help you find it!

Sensory Deprivation 101

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I love this blindfold and will make my next submissive wear it!

Before I start, I’d like to remind you all that these are just techniques that I use, and they don’t necessarily work for everyone. I’m just here to give you ideas- but no one said I am right.

Quote: “Can you speak up- I don’t have my glasses on.” My friend said this to me, and as silly as it sounds, it made perfect sense to me. She was having trouble hearing me because she couldn’t see, and her body was freaking out and being confused. She felt helpless. That helpless feeling is a step in the right direction to putting someone into subspace.

First, let’s talk about blindfolding your partner. This can be difficult. It’s not always easy to find a blindfold that will fit your partner. However, there are many advantages to having someone unable to see. Sight is something we depend on a great deal. Without it, a submissive can’t always tell where I am, or what toy I am about to use on them. I find many submissives enjoy that feeling of suspense.

So what are some good things to do when a submissive can’t see you? I’ll be honest- I’m somewhat of a sadist. I like to hurt them in ways they didn’t see coming. It’s fun to hear someone gasp when they’ve just been bitten on the nipple completely unexpectedly. It’s fun to see someone squirm in pain when they’ve been spanked unexpectedly. Again, that’s just me.

You might choose to be more sensual with it. Feathers are good to tease people, as well as ice cubes, and knives. (Please use the dull side to avoid accidentally cutting your sub when they jump or get startled!)

In addition to blindfolds, there are lots of other ways to deny your partner the senses they depend on. I enjoy using a gag, because even if someone does not usually speak, there is a big difference between choosing not to speak and not being able to speak (taking away choices can be sexy). I’d like to caution people though: Non-verbal safe words are very important. Make sure you talk to your partner about a way for them to signal that they are unhappy (yellow light) and a way to signal that they want to end the scene (red light).

On that note, I am going to get up on a soap box for one minute because I had a conversation with someone that made me need to express this often and assertively: It is okay to use a safe word. It’s not a failure. It’s not being a bad sub. If you want me to stop, say so! I think all responsible Dominant-types are always perfectly happy to stop whatever they are doing immediately if their partner wishes it- no matter what. There should never be disappointment associated with using a safe word. It’s a learning experience and those are important.

Sorry. I’m climbing down off my soap box now. Back to tips and tricks for gagging your partner. Once you establish a non-verbal safe word such as the stiffening of the spine or the tapping on a foot on the ground, then you’re ready to gag your submissive. Some people really like to get creative with this. They like to use their sub’s underwear as a gag, or some other found object in a house. I personally use a ball gag, because I am lazy. Toys made for the purpose are easier than improvised toys, in my humble opinion. That is just a matter of personal taste.

For me, it’s much easier to play with verbal degradation when my sub is gagged. I feel like, even if they wouldn’t talk back while their mouth was unobstructed, it’s easier for me to tell them what a dirty little fuck-toy they look like while they are unable to respond. I also enjoy flogging more when my sub is gagged, because they can’t really scream properly. The same goes for pegging. It’s much more fun when they make those strangled, helpless noises through their nose because they can’t call out. (Also, the neighbors probably appreciate it.)

Obviously I’ve talked before about rope, and that is another good way to take some of your submissive’s freedom. Not letting them touch you (particularly when they are bound) can be very intense. It lets you be in control of every touch that happens between you. No matter how much they want to reach out for you, they can not.

Of course, you can combine these various things, and have fun with them in various ways. It’s a lot of fun to keep a submissive’s blindfold on the whole time they are at your house, for example. So, when they want to go pee, they will have to feel their way around while you watch and chuckle (but keep an eye on them!). You can even leave them gagged and blindfolded, only letting their hands and feet free. Feeding someone while they are blindfolded is interesting, too.

At any rate, remember that the bottom line is always safety. Never forget to be attentive to your sub and always check often that they are okay. Also remember that respect is key. Have respect for the people who are willing to submit to you, and treat them well.

Scene Negotiation

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Everyone likes different things- in the kink universe and outside of it. Personally, I love vanilla candles. 😉

People have different communications styles and some people just aren’t very good at communicating. Here are some tips for finding out what your partner is into:

–Trade Porn: I like to do this with everyone I date because knowing what they have been watching can give you an idea of what they would be interesting in doing with you. This isn’t always true. Sometimes people have a disconnect between the porn they watch and what they want to do. I find it useful though, as long as you’re both willing to be mature adults and admit that you both watch porn. (Or at least read erotica!)

–E-mail: I personally am a writer, so I find that I order my thoughts better through my fingers than I would through my mouth. I’m not known for being a graceful speaker. Typing out potential scenes gives your partner a chance to think about them before responding as well, so they don’t have to decide right away if they are okay with it.

–In person: When people came to the dungeon they didn’t often know what they wanted, so I had a list of ideas prepared for newbies. If you’re going to negotiate in person, be ready to just start listing things off when your submissive gets tongue-tied and isn’t sure how to express their desires. Start with simple things such as verbal humiliation, being tied up, and flogging. Go from there if they seem calm about it.

–Over the Phone: This is good because the submissive does not have to look you in the eyes. It can be hard to be in the same room with someone while saying something like “I’d like you to spit on me and call me a dirty cunt.” This method allows the physical distance that can make emotional distance easier. Emotional distance is seems to be the most important factor in being comfortable expressing oneself.

-Worksheets: I know it feels silly to be filling out a worksheet about an intimate relationship, but some people are shy and it’s hard to get them talking. Even when they do talk, they are often unsure about what they want. I find worksheets helpful sometimes, if a person is difficult to feel out.

Note About After care: As you all know, this is the most important part of a scene. This can be accomplished by all of the methods above, but this more than anything else is best in person. Tone of voice means a lot, as well as facial expressions. If you can get someone to be expressive in person, you can get the best idea of how they felt about the various parts of the scene. Make sure to talk about each part. Ask questions like “When you were tied up, did you feel like the ropes were too tight?” or “Did you feel okay with how hard I hit you?” You will both have a better experience if you can communicate better. Resentment can build up in any relationship, but it seems to build up in the most dangerous and dramatic ways in a BDSM relationship. Everyone talks about how important after care is because it is.

Getting in the Mood

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Being tied up can help people find their subspace.

When talking about BDSM, the thing that comes up the most (in my hearing) is people who want to be dominant needing help getting into the right mindset. Here are some ideas for small things that can make a big difference.

–Take a walk: I find that something as simple as taking a walk is helpful. Walk by yourself, maybe listening to some music of your choosing. I like Hardcore Industrial, but it’s whatever floats your boat, you know? The point is to clear your head and focus on what you want to do in the scene. This is most useful when you and your partner have been hanging out as equals and it’s time to get into character.

–Limit personal items in view: Choose the spot you will play, and put away clutter. This is useful in case of a struggle so nothing gets broken, for one thing. More important though, it helps to get in the right headspace. Seeing personal items around can pull you out of scene.

–Blindfolds are awesome: If you’re afraid you don’t have the right scary face going on, blindfold your sub! This allows you to feel more confident and not worry about what they are seeing. In addition, it often makes your sub feel more helpless, and so can add to the scene in that way as well.

–Knives: Personally, I have no interest in blood play. However, I have played with a lot of people who wanted to be scared. If you want to make someone genuinely afraid, knives help with that. Just the sound of a knife flicking open is terrifying and instantly recognizable (much like the sound of a gun cocking). To threaten your submissive with a knife with minimal worry about hurting them, have a bowl of ice water handy. Put the blade in the ice water until it is cold, and then drag the blunt side over their skin softly. The cold metal makes it feel like you are using the sharp side of the blade. When it’s cold enough, it feels like it is cutting. This is scary as hell.

–Call-and-Response: This is when you make your submissive say things. I find that this helps get them in the right mindset. Of course you will ask them to answer you with things like “Yes Mistress” or “No Mistress.” (Or master) However, you can take it further and have them repeat anything you want. I like to make people thank me when I hit them and ask for more. Call and response can be something as simple as “What do you want more than anything?” To which your sub should answer “To please you, Mistress.” Teach your submissive to say things about how much they worship you and how much they want to please you. When they say them, it will help them get into their subspace.

My ideas might not work for everyone. These are just some tips.