Category Archives: Just thoughts

My Favorite Fetish: Making Dreams Real

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I’ve always loved to imagine.

I grew up reading Lord of the Rings, the Drizzt Do’Urden series, and lots of other fantasy. Even before that, my parents met at Berkley at a first addition Dungeons and Dragons (D&D) quest. Imagination is in my blood.

As for sex, I remember figuring out how to masturbate when I was five. Sex and orgasms are an important part of my life and who I am.

It makes sense that I’d want to combine my two favorite things:

Fantasy + Sex = Magically Delicious.

They don’t even have to be my fantasies. I like to take other people’s fantasies and make them real, too. For people I love, making their dreams into truth is one of my very favorite things on Earth.


I learned a few years ago that not everyone sees things inside their heads. Some people can’t re-live experiences in perfect clarity or picture new scenarios and then live them in their minds. There’s a graphic that went around the internet with apples that explains it. That’s actually how I found out that my adopted mom has aphantasia.


As for me, I see things in my head better than I see them in real life. Maybe this is why it’s so easy for me to imagine turning fantasies into reality. I feel like all our fetishes have some explanation behind them, be it childhood issues, subconscious needs, or just the shape of our own minds. I think the shape of my mind -being so visual- leads to me trying to imagine things and then bring those fantasies to life.

Whatever the reason, my favorite memories are of taking a fantasy and turning it into a real-life experience. My ex-husband didn’t appreciate this at all and kept his fantasies secret from me after we got married (forcing me to try to guess what they were). But for those who have been open and told me what they wanted, I have made their dreams come true.

The internet has made this much easier. Now, you can just write about a fantasy that you have, and people will volunteer to get involved (if you’re a good writer). In the past, you really had to search for the right people to play out certain scripts. I am so grateful for the internet.

And hey, thank you to all you kinky folks for being out there in the world. I feel less alone knowing you’re there.

How to Talk About Sex

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When I plan a scene with a person or people whom I do not know well, I use kink negotiation forms. They have boxes to check for things you agree to and do not agree to, blanks to write in ideas, and more. Find an example here. This is good because miscommunication often leads to bad sex, and no one wants to have bad sex.

However, once you get into a long-term relationship, you will probably move away from forms and try to talk to each other about sex without ink and paper being involved.

First, let me start with what my ex-husband did because it’s good to start with what NOT to do.

I would try to bring up a new thing I wanted to try.

Me: “I was thinking that I’d really like to do a role-play scene for my birthday this year.”

Him: “No. I don’t do role play.”

Me: “Well, we can talk about who the characters would be. I’m not saying it has to be anything specific. I just thought we could try being different people.”

Him: “I’m not talking about this. I said no. Respect my boundary.”

End of conversation.

Many of you will point out how he is misusing the language of consent by setting a boundary that subjects cannot be discussed, rather than setting a healthy boundary on something after discussing it. That’s true. But, we won’t spend too much time going into all the issues with his side of the dialog. That’s not the point.

The point is: How could this have gone better?

As I tried to explain to him, it’s not okay to dismiss something out-of-hand before letting your partner explain themselves. There are a lot of reasons for this:

• If you do not let your partner explain what they are asking for in detail first, then they will walk away feeling unheard and disrespected.

• If you create resentment in your partner due to refusing them without hearing them out, they may express that resentment by saying “no” to you in the future, so keep in mind that relationships are about TWO people, not just one.

• If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might find that you are into it after all.

To go back to the ex-husband example:

 Once I asked him if we could try upside-down throat fucking. He immediately said no and refused to discuss it further. I went on a rant about feeling disrespected and unheard, and about how hurtful it was to always be refused when I asked for things. This made him silent, because when he was mad, he would refuse to talk at all and instead would just glare at me. Usually I gave up, but this time I kept talking. I said:

“Look, you probably said no before even thinking it through because from your point of view it seems like something to degrading to do to your wife. All I’m asking is that you consider it from my point of view. I don’t hang out in my own head when I’m having sex because I’m a non-op transsexual. I jump into your head. I have my eyes closed, and I am seeing the scene from your point of view. So, I’m asking you to do something that I want to do to a woman with the dick that I was supposed to have. I think it’s hot because it’s something a woman can’t possibly enjoy. There are no nerves there to give pleasure. There isn’t any clit to stimulate. It’s hot because it’s only for your pleasure and the woman is just being used like an object; a human fleshlight. All I’m saying is, I was born in a female body, but unfortunately, I was also born with the mind of a pretty gross guy. I’m not proud of it, but it’s something that I want. And I just thought you might be able to enjoy the fantasy with me.”

At the time, he sat there in stony silence, quietly hating me for pushing him to discuss things and care what I wanted. However, later I found that he’d been watching a bunch of porn about upside-down throat fucking. It became a fetish of his because I described it in a way that made it sound hot. Now, he continued to pretend that it was gross and refuse to do it with me, but that’s just because my ex-husband is basically the biggest douchebag on Earth.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it’s an example of bullet point three: If you let your partner explain why they want something, you might end up finding it hot after all.

I married my ex because he never said “no” to anything, and he was always up for new adventures. Once he had me trapped in marriage, he began to refuse any new things or anything fun. I have no idea why. I hope he works through that with his therapist or something. But, little-by-little, he became a completely different person after the wedding, and it was not the person I married.

Saying ‘no’ is pretty cruel when someone works up the nerve to ask for a secret sexy desire. And -while I apologize for lacing this post with my own post-marriage trauma- it’s relevant because what he did really hurt me. Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut. I have made a living for much of my life from writing kink erotica, hitting people for money, and throwing fetish proms. Sex is a huge part of who I am. And yet, even I feel shy when asking a new person for a new thing. It’s putting yourself out there and taking a risk, and being slapped down hurts all the way to the depths of your soul.

So don’t say ‘no.’ Say things like this instead:

• I’m curious to know what about that appeals to you. Would you be willing to tell me about it?

• I’d like to know more about how you visualize that working with us. Can you describe your vision?

• Can you tell me why I might enjoy this fetish?

 Even if you end up not being into the idea, you don’t have to say ‘no.’ My husband liked to say things like: ‘Absolutely not,’ or ‘There is no universe where I would be okay with that.’ Outright refusal is for assholes. Instead, try things like:

• I appreciate you sharing this with me. I’m not feeling it tonight, but let me think about it and do more research.

• I can see that this is important to you. Can you send me some links to some videos of it so I can try to get interested, too?

• I’m not sure if that would be safe for me. I would like to talk with my doctor about it and see what she says, and then I’ll get back to you.

• I won’t say ‘no’ because I know it took courage to ask; but is it okay if I say ‘not right now’ and give it some more thought on my own?

I once saw a meme where a guy is sitting at a computer and he clicks on a link to a porn video. He says: “That is sick! Who the fuck would be into that?” Then it has two frames of him just starring at the screen. In the final panel he says” “Oh shit, I guess I’m into that.” All I’m saying is, you might look into it and realize you are willing to give it a try.

I remember when I first thought about fisting. I have tokophobia (probably wrapped up in being trans,) and so I was instantly turned off by the idea because it was too close to the idea of giving birth.

However, I dated a guy who was amazing with his tongue and used to see how many times he could get me to orgasm in a night. It was like a fetish of his or something. He enjoyed getting me off, and he was good at it. Around the third or forth orgasm he would start putting fingers inside. One, then two, then three… until eventually his whole hand was inside me. He never exactly asked if he could, but then again, I was in too much ecstasy to protest. It reminds me of that old joke:

Her: “I’m not interested. I’m completely straight. I like men.”

Me: “Honey, you are spaghetti. You’re straight until you get hot and wet.”

I realize that sounds a little rapey -and I assure you I only ever said it to tease my good friends- but there is truth to it. Lots of things seem gross when you’re not turned on, but seem less gross after a few orgasms. And, if you have someone who is gifted with their tongue, that can make a lot of things seem less disgusting than you originally thought.

My ex husband said ‘no’ to a lot of things in more than a decade of marriage, and I don’t believe that any of them were fair. Most of them cost me a lot to ask for. After all, I have more than the average amount of shame wrapped up in sex and genitals since I have the wrong ones. (I always tell men: If you’re attracted to me then you’re at least little bit gay because I’m a guy.)

He said ‘no’ to trying romantic sex where we looked into each other’s eyes. He said ‘no’ to anal sex. He said ‘no’ to role-playing. He said ‘no’ to switching roles and topping me once in a while. He said ‘no’ to a MMF threesome. Etc… etc… etc…

I carry a lot of pain from how shitty he was. Some of it is wrapped up in refusing to have conversations about things or seek solutions to problems. Some of it is in how controlling he was. Some of it is in how lazy and mean he was. But the two biggest things that hurt me was:

• Saying ‘no’ to everything I wanted to try in bed.

• Harassing me for dressing up at home and bullying me into buying pajamas; which is not a thing I ever owned before I met him.

Some would say that the wrecking my cars drunk and having secret debt was worse. To each their own, I guess. But I know what hurt me the most, and I’m telling you from experience: Don’t just refuse to talk about things your partner wants to do in bed. It’s cruel.

Things You’ll Be Ashamed to Talk About in the Morning

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There’s a tagline I have at the bottom of this blog:

“I want to do things you’ll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.”

This can sound fun to some people, or upsetting to others. However, I want to talk a little bit about what I actually mean when I say it.

Sometimes men watch porn or go to a sex club and see a woman doing something they feel is “gross,” and they will say: “How shameful! She clearly doesn’t respect herself.”

Aside from the fact that these guys tend to have a lot of latent homosexual feelings, there is also an inherent assumption that certain sex acts are incompatible with self-worth.

Guys, when I say you’ll be ashamed to talk about it in the morning, it’s supposed to be a joke. I’m not trying to push your boundaries or make you do things you don’t want to do. I’m not trying to make anyone hate themselves, and I don’t agree with those who are judgmental about what other folks are into. I’m just making a joke about how society at large feels that you’re supposed to be ashamed of sex, and anything you desire. I know a girl who felt so much shame about her own body that she didn’t masturbate until she was in her late 20’s and already had four kids.  I think that’s unhealthy, and I think shame is unhealthy. My tagline is meant to openly mock the concept of shame.

That said: I also want to remind folks that you don’t know what is going on inside another person’s head. You don’t know why they are doing what they are doing. That’s why judging them is extra ridiculous. And -if you’re honest- I think you can admit that most judgment is actually rooted in jealousy.

Maybe it’s not that the woman having anal sex at the club doesn’t respect herself. Maybe it’s that you want a guy to do that to you, and you’re afraid you won’t respect yourself if you have sex with a man.

Keep an open mind, and don’t be ashamed of who you are or what you want.

We Are the Weirdos, Mister

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The fetish community is made up of so many different kinds of people. Society at large would probably call us freaks, but I like to think that we are a tolerant bunch (at least within our community).

Something I have always said -which I stole from the iconic Jay Wiseman- is:

“Your kink is not my kink and that’s okay.”

If you are a White guy who likes to sleep with Black women (or men) because of some plantation fantasy, then I will let you do your thing without any commentary from me. If you are a woman who likes to pretend to be a child and have sex with adults, have at it. I admit that -for me personally- things like diapering are a real turn-off. But if it’s what you want to do, then you should do it.

One thing I have noticed over the years is that there are some trends. Many people figure out they are kinky and they want to start with fuzzy handcuffs and stuff. As they get deeper and deeper into the community, they start doing weirder and weirder things to try to get the same rush they felt the first time. Soon they find themselves watching octopus porn on some obscure website on the dark web, because they can’t get off unless they watch a woman have a live octopus shoved up inside her.

This is -perhaps- the one good thing about Artificial Intelligence. In modern porn, you know that no octopi were harmed because computer generated pictures and video are cheaper and easier than finding a woman willing to do it with an octopus.

That’s just a random example dating back to a visit to Bangkok where I was handing a brothel menu with things like “smoking pussy” and “eels in pussy” on it. Stay weird, Thailand. Stay weird.

My point is, people often fall down those holes into the extremely weird. Sometimes it happens over the course of years. Sometimes it happens overnight.

Then, in time, people often come around to realizing that the fun part about kink is actually enjoying your fellow odd ducks getting off on whatever they are into. Maybe it’s just some light dirty talk.

“Oh master, fuck me harder. I’m going to cum!”

Maybe it’s being blindfolded so you don’t know what is coming.

You realize it doesn’t have to be weirder than last time. It just has to be savored. Whatever play you are engaging in, you just have to commit to your role and enjoy the uniqueness of that specific experience.

Anyway, we are the weirdos.

I’m just pointing out a trend I see which makes me feel like we really aren’t that weird. We just like to have interesting experiences, and I’ll never understand why there is a stigma attached to that.

An Ode to Role Play

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I have a tattoo on my right leg. It is a flesh tear with gruesome, bloody flesh hanging on the sides. Inside the flesh tear is a field of butterflies and sunshine, with a beautiful fairy and colorful flowers. This piece is meant to compliment the black-and-grey leg sleeve on the other side, which is a very Goth collection of skulls and darkness.

This is because I am Goth on the outside, but cheerful and happy on the inside.

Some will cry “You’re a poser,” but it’s actually more about the deep and weird reality of being neurodivergent and having to “mask” to fit into the world and have a job.

The nature of our reality forces us to have personas. For example, who doesn’t know about the customer service voice? Most of us have been forced to work at a call center, wait tables, work retail, or do something else that required us to have a peppy, cheerful voice for customers.

For neurodivergent people, the masking goes deeper. I really am a weird Goth chick with an aesthetic I love. Pale skin, black leather, and lots of strappy things. But I am also a happy person who generally sees the best in people and has a positive outlook on life. I can be both things, and I am. It’s just that I have to hide so much of myself all the time to fit in with neurotypicals, that I end up having imposter syndrome about myself.

This confusion is eased by letting the different part of me out to play in a safe space.

My customer service voice wants to fuck you. I mean, I spent 40 hours a week being her for so many years, but she never got to have sex with anyone because she was all business. Maybe she needs to be let out and allowed to serve you in other ways until you’re a satisfied customer.

And, while Goth is how I like to look, sometimes I also want to act like the Goth girls on TV during sex. I want to be as bananas as Wednesday Addams on the dance floor, but also emotionless and with a blank expression. I mean, why shouldn’t I get to try it out and see how it feels while fucking?

My chipper internal monologue would also like a chance to act out. I want to put a blonde wig over my black hair and dress in something pink. I want to have sex like the preppy girl in my head who is always asking people to go hiking and pointing out the positive moments in our bleak existence.

I’m not saying I know what these personalities will do once I let them out. Maybe my customer service voice likes anal. I have no idea. But I want the chance to explore them in a safe space because they are parts of me, and since sex is such an important part of my life, I want them to explore their sexy sides.

Also, I want my partner to role-play.

Be the guy who thinks the blonde girl is hot, and act however that makes you feel. Be the guy that wants to fuck Wednesday Addams and do whatever that guy wants. Be the person who wants to have sex with the customer service lady, even if that’s some jerk who complains about everything.

I mean, I don’t want to date an asshole who is rude and flirts in obvious ways. But, maybe I want to have sex with that guy.

It’s like upside-down throat fucking. I don’t want someone I love to want to do that to me. But, I want someone I feel safe with to want to do that to me. So, just be someone else for a night so it’s not weird later. If it was just a persona you tried on then it’s not upsetting.

There was a toxic show that reinforced negative stereotypes called “Modern Family.” And -while I did not love how that show portrayed a family or gay people or anything else- I did laugh at the fact that once a year on Valentine’s day, the main characters Phil and Claire would go be different people. They always role-played the same people: Clive and Julia. But, it was so cute and even if the show made it look cheesy, that is a good representation in culture of a major fetish of mine.

Sure, we can be us most of the time. But on my birthday, or for Valentine’s day, or just sometimes; wy can’t we be someone else?


My Reasons for Not Dating

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I live in a female body, and I date mostly men. This used to be pretty easy, because men used to be mostly nice. I didn’t have a lot of trouble finding someone to spend time with.

However, things have become miserable in the dating world, and I want other people who live in female bodies to know that they are not alone in feeling frustrated. Therefore, I have decided to write out my reasons for not really being as into dating as I used to be.

First, Reddit ruined a lot of things because men got together and invented stuff like “stealthing” and “ghosting” on there.

Stealthing: The rape of a woman by getting her to consent to sex with a condom, and then removing the condom without her permission. The stated intention here is to “get the bitch pregnant” because men think it is funny. They get to trap women into bearing their offspring, which they wrote about as “totally hilarious” on the threads where this concept was created.

Ghosting: After (or before if you prefer) you get that woman pregnant without her consent, you will “ghost” her. This means that you will completely vanish. You’ll block her on social media, move if she knew where you lived, and just make sure that she is surprised by your total abandonment. Points if you find a way to get her reaction and upload it, because “it’s fun to laugh at those dumb cunts for having feelings.” The threads of this toxic stuff were unbearable to read.

(Note: I know women adopted the practice of “ghosting” after men invented it. To be fair, it makes more sense for women since men handle rejection poorly and are known to kill women who try to leave them.)

Before you ask, yes, I am aware that 4Chan is where all this anti-woman stuff started. I get that. But you have to understand, 4Chan was only ever a few weirdos. It didn’t have the audience of a movie theater, let alone the millions of people across the globe who spent time on Reddit in its heyday. Every major celebrity did an AMA on Reddit a decade ago, and it was referenced constantly in the media. 4Chan (or 8Chan now) wishes they could get that kind of attention!

You had this huge platform that was used by nearly everyone, and it was filled to the brim with toxic anti-woman rhetoric. I mean, it still is. It just doesn’t matter now because everyone forgot about Reddit and it became deeply irrelevant. However, when it was popular, it spawned a hate movement against women that has endured.

Next, idiots like Jordan Peterson came along to explain why women being inferior is “just science.” This spawned the incel movement.

Basically, a bunch of guys (many of which even look kind of normal on the outside) turned out to have really horrendous personalities. Like, offensively bad. And instead of telling them to grow up and stop being awful, the incel movement told them that it was the women’s fault that they couldn’t have sex. See women (how dare they) prefer men who treat them with respect. The incel movement contends that they do not deserve respect because women are objects, and that women have no right to prefer more attractive men over bald assholes who are unemployed and have no interesting hobbies. The very idea of women being allowed to have a preference in who they sleep with is attacked by incels, and Jordan Peterson went so far as to suggest that women should simply be assigned to the men who “deserve them” (see his vomit on “enforced monogamy.”)

Then, we got the most toxic evolution yet: Men’s Rights Activists (hereafter refereed to as MRAs.)

The name is a misnomer. They absolutely do not help set up shelters for abused men. They absolutely do not reach out to men who have been raped and find them support groups. They don’t help fathers in custody battles or fight against mandatory registration in the selective service. MRAs do nothing at all for men.

The real reason they exist is to try to gaslight women. Their entire goal is to build nonsensical arguments in which they attempt to paint women as the villains of every story. The narrative is that women only care about men’s earning power and are always trying to steal men’s money and their sperm.

(So, basically they’re trying to paint all women as the female characters in Jane Austin’s satirical work “Pride and Prejudice.” Women did used to have to find a husband when it was illegal for them to have jobs, and MRAs like to pretend that women are still motivated by the same things as they were in 1750.)

It is the most toxic garbage that culture has ever produced, and if we had any sense, we’d be locking these people up before they go on shootings sprees.

Obviously we need to take a break and talk reality because we can’t let too many paragraphs of shit pile up in a row:

1. Feminism has worked hard to fight for equal pay. We don’t have it yet, but we’re getting closer. We want to work, and we want to have access to the same pay and opportunities that men do.

2. Feminism has worked hard for equal opportunities. Once upon a time we could only be teachers or nurses, if we could have a job at all. Now, we can do almost any job. Someday we hope all jobs will be open to us!

3. Women are having less children than ever before, and the rate of women under 25 who are finding ways to get sterilized is skyrockting. Many women have rejected both marriage and children as traps that keep them from being able to work and live independently.

4. Women are not trying to take things from men. They are trying to get rights for themselves so that they can live independently with the same quality of life as men. Remember: Rights are not a pie. If we get some, it doesn’t mean men lose some.

The point is: Over time, a very toxic culture has evolved in which women are treated extremely badly and given no rights at all.

Rapists serve little to no jail time, but women who lie about being raped tend to spend decades in prison. Ergo, a man’s reputation in the community is considered to have much more value than a women’s right to not have her body violated.

Men’s healthcare isn’t regulated at all, and insurance covers things like Viagra and prostate exams as if it was nothing. Meanwhile men are trying to stop women from having access to any reproductive healthcare at all, from birth control to Plan B to a pap smear every 2 years (as is recommended to screen for cancer.) Ergo, a man’s right to healthcare is more important than a woman’s, even though women bear more responsibilities health-wise (since we literally make all the humans.)

Women are expected to work full-time, but they are also expected to do the bulk of the housework and childcare. If a child is ill, society expects the women to take the day off work, not the man. Ergo, a man’s career and free time are placed above a woman’s.

The entire world is designed for men, from cabinet height to safety features in vehicles. It’s literally dangerous to just exist in the world as a women, because safety standards for drugs, planes, and everything else are all developed with men in mind. Ergo, men’s safety and health is placed above women’s in all aspects of societal design.

Even when men are at a disadvantage, for example because of suicide or homelessness, it is because of other men.

The patriarchy is what teaches men that they cannot talk about their feelings or ask for help. Men throw the suicide rates in women’s faces and say “We’re the real victims because we kill ourselves!” Yet feminists have been begging men for ages to let go of toxic masculinity and admit to being human for the sake of their own mental health. Ergo, even when men create a problem and perpetuate a problem, they still blame it on women and use it as a way to attack women (though women are obviously not to blame for them killing themselves.)

Even as women face discrimination in all these ways and many more, MRAs will gaslight and lie and do everything they can to pretend that women have the advantage. Why? Because all they really care about is that women have the right to say “no.”

This makes them furious.

The truth is, MRAs are deeply inferior to real, worthwhile men. So, when a woman has a right to say no, they don’t get picked. This is the root of their anger and why they suck so much. Even the ones who have a girlfriend or wife are furious because they think she is inferior to what they deserve. I knew a (fairly ugly) white guy who married a (well-suited) white girl. After a few years, he became an MRA because deep down, he believed that Asian women were better than white women, and he believed that he deserved an Asian woman.

This is not a small movement. One of my ex-boyfriend’s (awkward and bad at dating) has become a Men’s Rights Activist. He’s 100% brainwashed by the rhetoric and believes the ridiculous lie that “women have it better.” As we sob over America becoming Gilead and losing all our rights, this asshole is convinced that we have it better than him!

Why? Because women can say no.

This is where we reach the true heart of the matter.

See, women are more likely to be fine with a bottle of wine, a cat, and a vibrator. From a young age, they’ve been forced to hide their emotions, even as chunks of discarded uterine lining leak out of them while they work or attend school or live their lives. Women are tough as fuck. And if women want to have kids, they can just go to a sperm bank. Plus women are more open about being sexually fluid and more likely to cuddle with or have sex with their friends. At the very least, they’ll talk to their friends about personal stuff. Women don’t actually need men, because they have themselves and each other.

On the other hand, the patriarch tells men that they can’t have friends. If they talk about anything other than sports and grilling, then they’re gay (which the patriarchy says is bad!) A man on his own has no outlet for his emotions, and no one to care about him. Men force this on themselves, but then they blame women for it. They feel that because the patriarchy tells them that they can’t have friends, that means that they are owed a wife to care about them.

This is the worst bit: MRAs are so convinced that every one of them is owed a woman who will make them the center of their universe and do everything for them. (Read: A slave.)

With all this toxic bullshit going on, I’m just tired.

I get at least one obnoxious message per week in my fetlife inbox. Some lowlife is always saying “You should suck my cock.” Um… no. I don’t want your dick pics and I’m not interested in your bullshit. I’m a person, and I deserve to be treated as such. Period.

So when people ask me why I’m not dating, this is a big part of it. Sure, there’s the health problems. And there’s the fact that I’m already maintaining several relationships. I’m busy, and dating takes time. But it’s more than that. It’s that when I do date, it’s a bunch of seriously gross dudes out there acting like assholes. And then I went on a date with a woman, and she was like “Being trans is a mental illness and abortion should be illegal,” and my metaphorical dick crawled up inside me and was like “Nnnnooooooo!!!”

What I need is to meet some people who actually think women deserve rights (which we do) and who know that being transgender is an aspect of biology (which it is.) I need to find a few decent human beings to be friends with who can restore my faith in humanity. If I can do that, then maybe I’ll think about giving dating another try.

Right now though, if my husband died, I would probably just get an iguana to cuddle (I’m allergic to fur) and call it good. I’d get arthritis in my hands from masturbating, but se la vie. It’s better than dealing with incels and MRAs.

One final note: The toxic men who are discussed in this article are the same toxic men who pretend that feminism is evil. They say that feminist “hate men.”

My husband is a feminist. He genuinely believes that women deserve equal rights, and he genuinely feels that they should be treated with dignity and respect. I have several male friends who also identify as feminists, because they know that it’s needed.

Women got the right to vote in 1920, less than 100 years ago. It was feminists who fought for this.

Women got the right to have bank accounts and lines of credit such as mortgages in 1974. Again, it was feminists who fought for this.

Women eventually got the right to have nearly all jobs, from fire fighter to Navy Seal, and this was through the tireless work of feminists.

Feminism has always been about gaining equality, and it still is. We still need to have paid family leave. We need laws that prevent women from being refused promotions due to having children. We need laws that actually punish men for rape. We need privacy in healthcare just like men have. We need to be allowed to carry weapons and use them to self-defense (which -right now- gets women thrown in prison for life.) We need to be taken seriously when we say that we are being stalked and harassed. We need doctors to take us seriously when we are in pain. Plus, you know, about a million other things that we still need to fight for. (I’m tired just thinking about it.)

However, all the goals of feminism are to get women (including minority women) the rights they deserve. Feminists do not “hate” men, nor do they want men to have less. They just want equality, and they have been fighting for it since society began.

And, we will prevail.

Sexual Assault

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*This is not kink-related. It is just something I needed to say, and there is nowhere else for me to say it. 

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I think back to my days working in a dungeon when I was a young girl, and I have to tell you: nearly every single guy that I ever interacted with hit on me to the point that I was uncomfortable. They refused to take “no” for an answer, and usually described their anatomy or showed me their anatomy in an attempt to “woo” me. They were downright disgusting, and I was expected to laugh it off because that is what women are supposed to do when men make them uncomfortable. And I’m ashamed to say that I did laugh it off for years.

There was only one guy in all the time I worked and played in the kink community who didn’t make me feel deeply uncomfortable. His name was Alex, and he was an amazing human being. Alex stands out like a candle in a field at midnight, because he was so unique and singular in his behavior. Alex treated me like a person.

When I was bar tending, it was about 90% of guys who came in that hit on me until I was uncomfortable. Those 10% who just paid for their beers and left without trying to fuck me were fabulous men, and they were a rare breed. I paid my way through my second degree slinging drinks, and a huge part of my job was getting groped by drunk men and having them tell me about how great their penises were. They hugged me just so that they could press their smelly bodies up against me, and they refused to pay me if I said no to their hugs or shrank from their grabbing.

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Now remember: This is not about the times that I was raped (those are separate stories.) We are only talking about times that men hit on me to the point that I was uncomfortable. And you should know that it was all the time. I was thin and attractive. Every man I ever encountered acted like he was entitled to hit on me, and then to slobber all over me and tell me why I should fuck them. Many were really old. Most were fat. I did not invite ANY of it. I did not want ANY of it.

I am writing about this because of the Kevin Spacey thing last year. Apparently, he was at a party 30 years ago, and he hit on a boy who didn’t want to be hit on. It is my understanding that it was at a Hollywood party full of stars, and that everyone was assumed to be over 21 because there was alcohol. From what I have read, Kevin Spacey hit on this boy and made him feel uncomfortable, and the boy finally decided to come forward and say that he was upset because of the way he was hit on.

Within a day of this coming out, House of Cards was pulled. No one doubted the boy’s story, or said that it was his own fault for dressing slutty and getting wasted at a party he shouldn’t have even been at. No one said that this boy was just lying to get money or attention. No one blamed him at all. They all believed him, blamed Kevin Spacey, and got House of Cards cancelled.

It’s been a year since then, and a verdict was quietly reached and ignored by the media. Since Kevin Spacey didn’t hold a press conference, I think we can be pretty sure that he was found guilty. And because he sexually harassed a man, there were professional consequences for him.

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Yet, even when a man is found guilty of raping a woman, they tend to serve very little jail time and face very few consequences. Look at Brock Turner, who was convicted of a brutal rape. It was so bad that the boys who witnessed it cried when describing it on the stand.

I think Brock Turner did three months in prison? I can’t recall. But, he hardly got the kind of time he deserved. It was a truly heinous act that he committed.

And that was a brutal rape. I’m not even talking about that. What we’re talking about in terms of Kevin Spacey is assault. I mean, sexual assault is not good, but I think we can all admit that it’s less bad than rape.

I just want to add my voice to this issue by saying that I have been harassed. Not just once or twice, but thousands of times a year for decades. And, while everyone claims that the #MeToo movement made a difference, I can’t see any evidence of that. I’m still getting harassed, and I still don’t see anyone caring.

What I am saying is: This scandal is the most sexist thing that I have ever seen, and if every guy who sexually harassed me went to jail, they would have to build several new jails to accommodate them all.

This is my story, but it is also every girl’s story because it happens to all of us.

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I was made to feel uncomfortable by men who hit on me from the moment I got my first job at thirteen. I was working at a frozen custard shop inside a Cousin’s Subs. It was called Uncle Bill’s Frozen Custard, and they came up with the idea for “mix ins” in frozen treats.

Anyway, thirteen-year-old me begged my boss, Bill Loker, to stop the other employees from hitting on me. I remember once a guy named Javier cornered me while I was cleaning the bathroom and slammed me into the wall. He shoved his tongue down my throat as I struggled to get away. My boss told me to deal with it on my own because that was just how it was (1995.)

The customers were just as bad. I remember one old man asking me to bring his custard to the table because he didn’t want to stand back up to get it when I was done mixing in his Oreos. I obeyed, and he grabbed my ass when I walked up to the table. I told my boss, but he again told me to suck it up.

A year later I faced the same kind of shit at The Coyote Grill. And after that, I faced the same shit at The Pink Pepper Thai Cuisine. Everywhere I worked in all those years that I was a minor, I was sexually harassed and assaulted by fellow employees and customers. And every time I complained, people told me that this was just how it was.

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If I had ever tried to get any of those men in trouble, the cops would have laughed me out of the police station. I know because I had a co-worker who tried to report an incident. The cops simply called her a whore and blamed her for wearing short skirts, and they didn’t even let her press charges.

First, they tried to persuade her that she had misunderstood what happened. When she insisted that she had not misunderstood, they then told her she was lying. And when she persisted, they called her a whore and said it was her fault and she’d been “asking for it.”

I am not saying that anyone should have to be sexually assaulted. I don’t think anyone should have to deal with that.

However, I am saying that women are called liars and whores for being raped, and Kevin Spacey got his show cancelled simply because he hit on someone who didn’t like it and it made the victim feel uncomfortable.

 

 

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Full Disclosure: I have never seen House of Cards, and I am not really a fan of Kevin Spacey. I guess he was okay in The Usual Suspects, but other than that, I have never really liked him in anything. So this really isn’t about him. It’s about the reaction of the masses to a boy being abused, and how different it is from the reaction of the masses to a girl being abused.

The MRA crowd is always saying that we have equality, but you have to look at the facts. Women get laughed out of police stations when trying to file rape charges, but men who are sexually assaulted are taken seriously often, and are even allowed to press charges.

I know that since last year the Incels and the MRAs have really ramped up their rhetoric. They’re been trying to convince everyone that men are the real victims and that nothing bad ever happens to women.

I just wanted you to know that sexual assault against women is so common that we sometimes feel like it’s pointless to even talk about it. We’re discouraged, and we’re tired.

And another thing: In the last year, men have used the #MeToo Movement as an excuse to refuse to hire women, citing that “I don’t know where the line is anymore.” Remember: When a gay man hits on them, they know exactly what sexual harassment is and where the line is. A guy who is being made uncomfortable by unwanted sexual advances knows exactly what is unacceptable and what is not okay.

The ploy that women are “too sensitive” and men “don’t know where the line is” is intended to shout down the women who come forward. It perpetuates the idea that men are too helpless and socially inept to know when they are being predatory, and it tells women that if they ever dare to complain, there will be consequences.

It’s not okay. None of this is okay. So be a good human, and don’t sexually assault women. No matter what a “pick-up artist” will tell you, we don’t like it.

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So You’re Monogamous

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In the kink community, there is this pressure to be polyamorous. I think this is because it’s really hard to find someone who can be everything you want when you have a lot of kinks.

For example, I am a switch. I know I mostly write from the perspective of a Domme, but I have switched in the past. I just can’t do it with the same person. If I dominate someone, I’m not going to then turn around and submit to them. It’s just not comfortable in my brain.

Don’t bother telling me that this speaks to some deep-seeded issue. We all have issues, and not all of them can (or even need to be) worked out. If your life works the way it is and you are happy, then don’t change a thing.

Now, in most of my relationships, I’m the Domme. But every now and then, I’ll find someone who clicks with me just right, and I’ll be willing to be a submissive. That submissive relationship won’t satisfy me completely because I’m still 99% Domme, so it can’t be my only relationship.

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Polyamory exists in many varieties, and for many reasons.

In the case of my husband, he’s my Pet. I can’t see him as Dominant because he curls up in my lap and I stoke his hair and he’s my perfect little plaything. I don’t want to taint or compromise it in any way; it’s exactly what I want for us and it makes me so happy.

If you ask me, I think this speaks to why kinky people are so likely to create multiple meaningful attachments. After all, sometimes I do want to be submissive (or even just a different kind of dominant,) and I need an entire other person for that.

There’s also stuff that he’s just not into (like role play) that I really love. So, I need a whole other person for that as well.

Kink is varied and there’s a lot going on, and you probably won’t find one person that can be your everything all the time.

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The problem is this: Some people are actually just monogamous. Being poly or monogamous is another orientation. You’re born that way, though maybe it takes you a long time to figure out. In the end, it’s who you are.

Let’s talk about an example:

I dated a guy many years ago who was fun and kinky and interesting. He looked a little weird (big forehead, odd lips) but he was funny, had an infectious energy, and was generally enjoyable to be around.

However, he was monogamous.

Now, he didn’t accept that about himself. He claimed to be poly and had no issue with me dating. And, since I didn’t know he was monogamous, I had no issue with him looking for another person to date as well. (Note: he was completely single when I met him- which is fairly inconceivable to a poly person. I don’t think I’ve been completely single since middle school.)

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The moment he found another girl he liked, he vanished. Oh, he still sent a message here and there and tried, but he simply wasn’t able to split his attention. He was completely incapable of thinking about more than one person.

It was jarring for me, since I had put a fair amount of emotional investment into the relationship. It sucked to basically be ghosted (though he wasn’t consciously aware he was doing that.)

I did try tell him that his behavior wasn’t okay, and that I still deserved attention even if he began dating someone else. He lashed out in a way that was childish, cruel, and unexpected. He said I was being emotionally manipulative, and made all kinds of completely unfair accusations.

Obviously, I know that it probably did feel that way to him (like I was being unfair.) However, that’s only because he literally lacked the ability to pay attention to more than one sexual partner at once. My asking for attention felt like a manipulation since I said I didn’t mind if he dated someone else. He simply didn’t have the bandwidth to comprehend what he was doing. It was like he expected me to stay on hold while he let the other relationship run its course, and he didn’t understand that polyamory isn’t putting someone on hold so you can go obsess over new people.

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In my opinion, the hardest part of being poly is stepping up. You have to pay the same amount of attention to the person you were already dating, and then make new energy for the new person. I understand that it’s hard for some people to split their attention or to handle more than one thing at once. I’m not criticizing them for this single-mindedness.

However, if you are monogamous, figure it the fuck out.

And remember: there is a difference between sexual monogamy and emotional monogamy. Some people are emotionally monogamous but just have sex with other people. They don’t develop relationships with the extraneous people. They don’t send them Christmas cards or try to keep them in their lives. They only want extra people for sex, but they are unable to expend the emotional effort to care for those people.

If you are emotionally monogamous, then everyone who comes in contact with you needs to know that. There is nothing at all wrong with sex that doesn’t involve emotion. Casual sex is awesome! But, the people who sleep with you need to know that you don’t have the capability to handle more than one emotional attachment at a time.

It all comes down to being conscious of who and what you are. I know monogamy is stigmatized in the kink community. However, if you are a monogamous person, just be open about it. It’s who you are, and you need to demand respect like the rest of us do.

And remember: Polyamory might be the standard in the kink community, but you’re still the one who gets to blend in with the vanillas and have relationships that don’t require a flow chart!

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Finally, let’s circle back to the start and talk about compromise.  Monogamous people are not emotionally capable of maintaining more than one attachment. However, they often can’t get everything that they want from the partner that they have. The compromise they make is all over culture: The poor man who wants some excitement in his life. The poor woman who has a nice guy but dreams of someone handsome (just for a night!) Etc… etc… etc…

The stories about the compromises of monogamy get told. We all know them.

Monogamous people often think that we don’t make any compromises since we can sleep with more than one person. This is absolutely not true!

My husband put up with my crabby boyfriend staying here for a week. That was a huge compromise on his part! He has to accept me writing letters and sending birthday cards to all the people I maintain relationships with. And, he feels sad sometimes when I am paying attention to people who aren’t him.

By the same token, I love to set up play dates for him so that he can experiment with different types of play and have some variety in his life. But, I do feel a little sad sometimes when I think of how there are pieces of him that I don’t get to share. Knowing those pieces exist is my compromise.

You’ll never be in a happy, healthy relationship that doesn’t involve some compromise. So embrace who you are, and make the best decisions based on what you can handle.

But please monogamous folks, know yourself. Don’t date poly people if you can’t be poly.

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First Dates

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Even vanilla people hate first dates. Half the guys are creepers. Half the women are Republican. There’s not much chance for a good match.

When you add kink on top, it gets worse. You probably have specific things that you are hoping to find, such as someone who isn’t afraid of anal play or who won’t judge you for using gear ties instead of ropes. They probably also have specific desires as well, and those desires likely don’t line up with yours.

The more complicated you like your sex, the harder it is to find someone that you are compatible with. That’s why dating in the kink community is so much more difficult than dating in the vanilla world.

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Actually, I don’t even like to call the first meeting offline a “date” because I think that puts too much pressure on it. It’s always annoyed me when people refer to a first meeting as a “date,” as if trying to overlay some societal expectation onto my behavior. I’m just trying to figure out if you’re cool since you wrote to me on the internet. Let’s not call it a date unless we already know each other from somewhere and we already like each other.

“Dates” are for people who have a mutual attraction. One does not get that from text online. One gets that from being around someone in person. There’s no substitute.

Anyway, as an example of first date hell: I recently went out with a girl. She contacted me, and I figured it was worth a few hours of my time to meet her (even though I have been feeling like shit lately) because anytime a semi-normal person talks to you on Fetlife it feels like you ought to at least meet them. She picked the place, which was an IHOP by the airport. However, I endeavored to keep an open mind.

 

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As far as kink goes, we were a match. She’s a submissive of the sort I would want. She’d be willing to play with my Pet as well. She’s fine with swapping STD tests. She even likes D&D (which I feel shows an aptitude for Role Play.) In terms of just the potential for kinky sex, we were a match (which is so rare!)

And yet, somehow someone who seemed completely perfect on paper turned out to be a chore to be around in person. She kept throwing out completely false facts like:

“We only know about 5% of what is in the ocean so there are animals we don’t know about in there that could just come eat you.” (That’s not true- we know about a lot more than 5% of the animals in the ocean, and you will not get eaten by a mysterious and unidentified animal if you snorkel.)

And:

“Less than 1% of abortions are because the baby is deformed or because the mom is at risk.” (Again, not true at all. Most abortions are done because there is a risk to the mother or a problem with the baby. It’s not a choice people make lightly. But of course, Republicans have made sure that you can’t demonstrate this because in the 90’s they made it illegal to collect data. I rely on data from other countries because that’s all you can get anymore.)

 

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You might ask yourself: “Couldn’t you just gag her while you fuck her and not spend any time with her outside of sex?”

Yes, I think some people could make that work. I wish I was one of them. But the thing is, I can’t get horny for someone who grosses me out as a person. She’s anti-choice! How could I get into that? How could anyone? My sex drive went in reverse listening to her talk about her kids (one of which she doesn’t like and all of which have different dads.) Then there was her Fox News talking points about how healthcare in Canada is “basically murder.” Everything she said was gross and untrue, and I kinda felt like I needed to take a shower after talking to her.

After the underwhelming meal, she followed me to my car (though I tried to say goodbye in front of the restaurant.) That’s when it got bad. She made fun of my Jeep.

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It’s a 2004 because I wanted something older. Newer cars are impossible to work on yourself since everything is computerized, and who wants to spend money on mechanics? Plus I don’t feel comfortable driving nice cars because then if a shopping cart rolls into them in the parking lot, I have to get upset about a scratch. Also, I park it at a lot of beaches and hiking trails in sketchy areas, and no one is going to break into an old Jeep because they assume there is nothing to steal (and they’re right- I don’t keep valuables in my car.)

She also made fun of it for being dirty, which is so dumb. Why wash a Jeep? It’s just going to go off road tomorrow and get dirty again. What? Am I supposed to care what people I don’t know might think if my car is dirty? Fuck them. Fuck anyone who wants to have an opinion about the mud on my tires or the dirt on my windows. As long as I have good visibility and it’s safe to drive, the mud stays.

It’s more than the specifics, though. It’s the general issue with people like that. They live their lives trying to impress others. That sounds exhausting, pointless, and like a complete waste of a life. You couldn’t pay me to care what a stranger thinks about me! And to be so shallow that you need to make yourself feel valuable by having nicer things than others? Yuck!

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My value comes from within. I’ve seen and done amazing things. I’ve traveled the world. I’ve meditated with monks in three different countries. I struggled with issues stemming from childhood abuse, battled my demons, and won. I did event planning and threw fetish proms and made amazing memories for myself and for others. I’m proud of who I am, what I have done, and how I see the world.

Could I drive a nice car if I wanted to? Yup. Could I wear brand name clothes if I wanted to? Yup. I could have amazing things and I could polish them daily in hopes that others would validate me by congratulating me on my shinny possessions. I could waste my entire life on vapid, stupid pursuits.

But, I won’t.

I’m going to do the bare minimum required to survive so that I have time for FUN. I want to climb every mountain, snorkel every reef, and have all the sex. I want to spend my time doing things I love, and spend my money on amazing experiences. For example: That girl spent about $400 a month on a car payment. I spent $400 during my entire week of backpacking around Chang Mai. There is no way I would rather have a fancy car for one month than those memories.

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This is why dating in the kink world is harder. It’s also why I hate calling it a “first date” when I meet a new person. There’s just too much going on.

Kink Concerns: Are we compatible in terms of BDSM? Will this person fit into my poly lifestyle in a way that all partners will be comfortable with? Are they attractive enough and interesting enough for me to want to play with them? Are they concerned enough with safety?

Vanilla Concerns: Can I stand to be around this person? Do they say things so heinous that I want to punch them? Are they a racist piece of shit or a Trump supporter? Are they a feminist or are they an idiot?

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I feel like I need to be compatible with people on a kink level and on a vanilla level in order to enjoy playing scenes with them. After all, if someone is shallow and vapid, then they need WAY more aftercare and time spent validating them because they are empty inside. I don’t want to spend all my time on that. And I just can’t get horny for someone who throws out fake statistics to defend draconian beliefs, either.

I’ve been very lucky to have found a lot of compatible people in my life. And when I like someone, I’ll keep them around forever. Example: I have a boy who I like as a human (he’s nice, we have similar values, and he’s into D&D.) The sex wasn’t always great, but there were some really hot moments that I still fantasize about. I’ll probably talk to him as long as he wants to talk to me. I’ll also harbor hopes that we can recreate some of those really good moments. Plus, I’ve grown to consider him a good friend.

I think that’s the best way to be kinky and poly. Find the people you are compatible with, and just keep them around for the rest of your life. It might not work for everyone, but it works for me. Anything to avoid dating, right?

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TNG Munches

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There’s been a lot of controversy around TNG munches, which are munches for people who are 18 to 35 and no one else. I hadn’t written about this topic (in spite being asked to) when I was under 35. It felt like I couldn’t really understand both sides of the issue, and all I knew was that it was nice to not have creepy old guys trying to grab my butt.

I’m over 35 now, and have been for a couple years. This means I’ve had some time (being excluded) to think about it. And you know what? I’m still okay with it.

The thing about society at large is that there’s entirely too many old white guys hitting on 18-year-olds because they are too weak to handle a woman their own age (or, a woman old enough to know her own mind.)

I was one of the girls who understood this weakness even when I was 18. I was never naive enough to think “I’m just more interesting than a girl their age.” I always knew it was predatory and creepy when guys in their 50’s and 60’s leaned in close and tried to touch me even though they were older than my dad.

I still think that is creepy now that I am almost 40. If that’s your kink then good for you, but I think it’s super uncomfortable and I have never wanted a man my father’s age or older to hit on me. Ever.

I sometimes feel like Russell Brand, who famously said: “When I was poor they told me that I couldn’t talk about income inequality because I was just jealous. Now that I am rich, they tell me I can’t talk about it because I have money. I’m starting to think that they just don’t want anyone to talk about income inequality.”

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When I was young I didn’t want to write about it because even offering my opinion at a munch, I was told to shut up because I didn’t know what it felt like to be excluded. I would argue that as a woman, I’ve always been excluded from hundreds of opportunities that were available to men, so I have always known what exclusion felt like. But I didn’t specifically know what age discrimination felt like, so people shouted me down.

Now that I’ve been over 35 for a couple years, I have had plenty of time to see TNG munches posted and know that I can’t go. I’ve had plenty of time to think about it. And, I’m still glad that they exist. I’m still glad that the young women of our community have somewhere safe to go where predatory old men can’t grab at them.

To be perfectly clear: Yes, I know that some old men have caught up with the times. There are some who are respectful and who are not pushy and rapey. But, that’s the exception rather than the rule in my experience.  And you really can’t tell me otherwise, because I was a very attractive young girl in the kink community from when I was 16 onward, so I have had decades of experience with creepy old guys hitting on me. I can count the old men on my fingers who have shown me the respect I deserved and given me the space that I wanted.

Now that some of my friend’s daughters have found their way into the kink community, they assure me that nothing has changed, and unwanted attention and touching is the rule, rather than the exception,

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Also to be clear: Yes, I know old men will say it’s generational. They will say that in their time, woman didn’t mind a pat on the bottom or a guy stealing a feel during a hug. However, that’s simply not true. Women always minded those things, but many never felt safe enough to say so until recently. It was actually never okay, and it’s not okay now.

By the way, I don’t think “It was okay in my day” is ever an acceptable excuse. You need to keep up with the times, or stay home and hide in shame. Going out and trying to behave in ways that have long since been changed (with good reason) isn’t cool, and it’s the reason that TNG munches were created in the first place.

I think the people who complain about TNG munches are what I always suspected when I was young: The worst sort of people. Look, just leave the damn kids alone. You dated young people when you were young. Let them enjoy dating young people while they are young.

And if your thing is going for people younger than your kids, at least have the class to find the ones who are into that by reading their profiles, and confine your efforts to those specific women.

One Last Thing: Older men assume that they can just be a “sugar daddy” and young women will date them even though they are grossed out. Once again, you have to look for that on a girl’s profile. I won’t be coerced into dating someone older than my father for any amount of money. I won’t do it for a free house, a car, and a million dollars. I never would have, even when I was 18 and starving to death. We’re allowed to have standards and we’re allowed to say no.

No one has to share your kink just because you want them to.

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