Category Archives: Just thoughts

Sexuality and Ambigiousness

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Who does think riding crops belong next to the snacks at a party?

Who doesn’t think riding crops belong next to the snacks at a party?

Popular culture seems to place a lot of limits on sexuality. I never really thought about it much, since I place no limits on my own sexuality. I meet people- male or female- and I play with them if I like them. I sometimes have vanilla sex; though I mostly have various kinds of kinky sex. The point is- I don’t restrict what I want based on cultural norms and I never have. (I was totally the girl in High school that let a guy put it in her butt.)

However, I have been with a lot of guys who are very insistent that they are “straight.” I’m not really sure what the fuck that actually means in practical terms- but in ideals, it seems they are meaning to say that they never find other males attractive.

I’ll skip right over the part about how I’m a guy. I live in a girl’s body so no one ever takes me seriously when I say it. And I’ve not considered sexual reassignment surgery because going from a girl to a boy is… harder than the other way around. But inside, when a guy tells me he’s not attracted to other guys, I laugh because if they’re sleeping with me then they kind of are.

That is not the point though- because this is not about me. This is about the idea that there is such a thing as being “straight.” I find it impossible to really believe that there are any men on Earth who have not had a moment where they thought another guy was attractive. And besides that, I’ve never met a guy who didn’t enjoy a little prostate stimulation when they got over the “ick factor” they felt at first. (It’s only kinky the first time, right?)

Of course, noticing a guy’s abs or enjoying getting pegged doesn’t make you gay. I’m certainly not saying that. I’m just saying that, in the newer generation where gender neutral stuff is more popular and they all grew up watching internet porn- sexuality just seems more fluid.

My friend said “It’s not gay if both guys are straight.” I had to take a second to think about it, but the more I think about it the more sense it makes. If a couple of guys who aren’t really gay have sex (just for the pleasure of it and all) then it isn’t really “gay” sex, is it?

I recently had a threesome with two guys. Both of them have said many times that they are straight. But, given that they ended up both wanting to play with me that night, they found themselves both naked and in the same bed. I saw the curiosity in one of my pet’s eyes as I was sucking the other one’s cock, and then he just went for it. He’d always considered himself straight and not into guys at all, but presented with a penis other than his own, he was curious. So they ended up playing with each other while I watched and I sat back and thought about how interesting it is that people are so easily swayed from their prejudice in the face of new experiences that might be fun.

Of course in the morning one of my pets decided he felt awkward about it and said he didn’t plan to do it again. The other seems to still be pretty comfortable with it. I suppose it’s the same with spinach. Some people try it and never want lettuce in a salad again. Some people try it and think it would be nice some times. And still others decide it’s not for them.

And really, why should sexuality be any different than spinach?

I just mean- why should you have to be SURE if you like it or not? And why should you have to choose to only have one thing and never the other?  You never know if you’ll like something or not until you do it. And even when you decide that you don’t like something, it seems like people usually regret the things that they don’t try- not the things they do try. And if you’re not sure or you think you’d only like it sometimes- that’s okay too.

To clarify, I know I sound like I’m describing “bisexual” people. I’m not. I’m saying that I think everyone is a little bisexual. Or at least- that you don’t have to define your sexuality in absolute terms and feel like those terms can never be changed.

So Your Significant Other Is Into BDSM…

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One of the most common questions that seems to come up in online forums related to BDSM is:

“Well, I’ve never thought about it and I am not into it, but my SO is into BDSM and I love them, so…”

I am not an expert at anything. I’ve just been in the scene for a really long time. It doesn’t make me a relationship guru and only you know what is right for you. But here is what I have noticed:

First, I am pretty sure this whole kink thing is The Way We Are. I have been fantasizing about pain since I was 5 years old, so I am pretty certain it’s just a personality trait, and I don’t think it will go away because someone else is not interested. I’m sorry, but I can’t change my hair color either.

Just understand that kink isn’t something that I think people typically choose. Maybe some people do- if they’re just bored with sex. However, I’ve been to a lot of play parties where we all started talking about how we got to be kinky, and all of us remember fantasizing about kinky things as kids.

So just take that into account.

However, let’s be honest: The kink community can come with a lot on nonsense in terms of dating. You meet people on fetlife.com or collarme.com and they can be nice people- or they can be people with serious issues who act like their kink is the only acceptable kind and everyone else is sick. Sometimes we get tired of dating “in our scene.”

There are all sorts of ways a relationship can go when you meet someone in the community. For example  sometimes you meet someone that you only play scenes with and the dynamic is really good; and you don’t want to make it a relationship because it might alter the dynamic.

Also, as I mentioned before when I talked about how to hit on a girl- just because a guy is kinky- does not mean he has game. Some of the people you meet are awkward enough that it can turn you off to kink completely for awhile. I have met a lot of girls that felt that way.

Worse still- sometimes you’re stuck living somewhere that the scene is mostly dead. Imagine that there are only six other people that ever meet up and they are all in monogamous relationships, and it’s just you all alone with no one kinky to date. And even if one other person showed up, and if they were of your preferred gender, and if they had kinks similar to yours, you still might not like them as a person. Or, to put it another way, just because the only male a of species left on Earth meets the only female of a species left on Earth, does not mean they will fuck.

The point is- dating in the scene can be complicated. Maybe a person doesn’t always feel like they have that option. And so sometimes we date vanilla people- for whatever reason.

So then various forums end up flooded with vanilla people asking one of two questions. They either want to know about kink and maybe get into it, or they want to know if their SO can live without it.

If they want to know more about it, there are great books like S&M 101 by Jay Wisemen. There are people who do workshops like Midori. There are people who do how-to videos like Twisted Monk. And there is loads of places to read up online like the FAQ section of reddit’s BDSM community. Learning about kink is as simple as spending some time reading.

Note that I didn’t recommend watching porn. There is good stuff out there, like the stuff at kink.com. That’s worth paying for- and I don’t often say that about porn. However, the majority of porn that is labeled BDSM is actually just porn, but with vinyl clothes. That’s not really going to help anyone learn about kink.

Anyway there are lots of resources. If you want to learn, it’s easy.

The other question is harder. What most vanilla people dating someone into BDSM really seem to want to know is- can they live without it. I have met too many people who were dating someone who often pushed them to get freaky and they just didn’t want to. They had no interest in whips, chains, spankings, or even a little light bondage. And they wanted me to tell them that their SO didn’t need those things.

Like I said at the start of this post- I am pretty sure I was born this way. I don’t think there was ever an option for me. I think I have always been tweeked a bit- and I don’t think I can change it any more than I can change my hair colour. That’s just me. Maybe your significant other is different. Maybe they can be happy with vanilla sex forever. Talk to them about it. And if they say they are sure they can quit kink cold turkey and never ask you for anything out of the ordinary, then maybe that is the case.

Only you know how your relationship is doing and how your dynamic is. Only you know what you can live with, and what you can live without. I think more than anything else, what’s needed in such situations is soul searching. Because if your SO is into BDSM and you’re sure that you’re not- then sometimes the relationship is probably not going to work out. Sorry to end on a down note; but it had to be said.

I am Thankful

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Today I woke up next to one of my pets. He is 21 years old, has 6-pack abs, and a 10 inch cock.

It happens to be Thanksgiving Day, and so I thought I should give thanks.

I can not say how grateful I am for my wonderful pets. It is a privilege for me (and all Doms) to have awesome people submit to us. I am extremely grateful for the people who choose to submit to me and allow me to create fun experiences for them.

I am also grateful for all the people who encourage me every day. I’ve had kind of a rough life, but I have been very lucky to have many wonderful people who come together in my life to help me and to give me happiness and hope. To all of you in my life, thank you for being you!

Today was a good day, and every day is a good day because of the people in my life that make it awesome.

Misconceptions

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Ah, the age old power struggle over who belongs in the kitchen…

 

I’ve had a lot of people act really uptight at play parties and stuff lately. I feel like there’s this misconception that because BDSM involves pain, and sometimes discipline,  it somehow has to be serious all the time.  BDSM does not have to be taken too seriously. Lots of people have fun with it!

Perhaps some of this overly-serious behavior comes from the fact that the desire to get involved in the community is something people usually have for many years before they find a way in. I feel like BDSM urges often end up buried pretty deep in someones’ mind. By the time they finally get up the guts to express them, they’ve been feeling shame about having such urges for a long time. Don’t be ashamed! There is nothing wrong with wanting to join our awesome community!

There is also this misconception that has cropped up a lot because of 50 Shades of Grey, in which people think a submissive in bed equals a submissive all the time. On the contrary, I find that it is the most powerful, aggressive people who have the desire to submit sexually. I have had powerful men come to my dungeon, and I feel like it’s the control and leadership they display every day that makes them crave some total and complete submission at night.

Sure, some people are always submissive. However, I wouldn’t ever presume to make assumptions. I meet couples often where one is always telling the other what to do out in public, but then I’ll talk to them more and realize their roles reverse in bed.

Also, I have a of girls ask how they can incorporate sex into a scene where they are being a Domme. The have this idea that being fucked in a submissive act. It’s not; and it’s absolutely possible to be a female Domme and still have sex as part of your play. You just have to know what you want, and order your partner to do it.

I can’t dispel all the myths about the community in one post, but those are just a few things I’ve had on my mind lately that I needed to get out.

/end rant

Just a thought

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Halloween is coming. I have always liked Halloween because I can walk out of my house looking like me, and no one will judge me. In fact, they usually say “Nice costume!”

Sometimes though, it does make me sad when I think of it. The only day I get to be myself is the day when everyone pretends to be someone else.

I guess maybe I’m glad. If I could walk around in a Dominatrix outfit, it would mean BDSM was mainstream enough for such things. I might like being a freak…

So Fetlife.com is a thing

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I feel the need to acknowledge that there is a kinky version of Facebook called Fetlife, and that many kink people meet up there. I did not include the web site on my reading list because of the scandalous stuff going on right now in the Fetlife community. I’m not going to speak on the subject, but I do feel the need to mention it, so consider it mentioned.

That left a bad taste in my mouth, so now for a nice picture of some sexy women:

Yay for naked lady statues at Love Land on the island of Jeju.

Jumping on the bandwagon

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I wasn’t even sure about writing a blog (and I’m still not.) Now I’ve been pushed into a Twitter account too. I don’t think I have a whole lot to say, but amid the encouragement of people far more enthusiastic than me, I am putting myself out there a little.

So, now I have to do this:

I just met you and this is crazy, but I’m on Twitter so follow me maybe? (Yes, I reddit too much.)

I think it looks like the Twitter Bird getting head. (Photo I took at Love Castle)