Category Archives: Just thoughts

A Long Time Ago, in a Galaxy Far Far Away…

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From the movie "The Craft," here's a 90's Goth girl, just like I was.

From the movie “The Craft,” here’s a 90’s Goth girl, just like I was.

I have been kinky for as long as I can remember. I recently got back in touch with a few old play partners, and it got me thinking about the years I spent messing around before I figured out who I was. There was a lot of years of blind experimentation and trial and error. I wish the internet had been around more when I was young! If I could have read the blogs of a Dominatrix or two it would have saved me so much time! Even if I could have just seen some of the porn from kink.com or something…

Anyway, I thought I’d do a timeline of some of the moments in my sexual history that were significant.

1986: I am five years old and I figure out how to masturbate. Best. Discovery. Ever. BUT I don’t know anything about sex  yet, so I do it thinking about pain. I don’t know why. Maybe I was always kinky, or maybe I became kinky because of this. No idea. I just remember touching myself before kindergarten and thinking about being hit. (Later I totally had sexy fantasies about being assimilated by The Borg, but I think I’m the only one.)

1993: I have sex with my first girl, and I love it. She is sweet and blonde and she is the classic good girl. I am already smoking pot and wearing black and I am her dirty little secret. We are too young to have sex toys, but we do some pretty kinky stuff with actual toys. (It’s so much harder to figure out how to do it when you start with same-sex experiments at a young age!)

1997: I am 16 years old and dating a 27-year-old we’ll call Mr. Creepy. He had a thing for tying up underage girls and then using all kinds of weird tools on them. I was homeless and he let me stay with him, but he was terrifying and I still don’t want to talk about the shit he did to me. I made peace with him many years later, writing letters to him in prison. It helped me to deal with what happened. But it’s just not stuff I like to talk about.

1999: I am introduced to Madam Tracy’s House of Pain by a friend at college. I signed an agreement, so I don’t really talk about it. But, it was enlightening.

2000: I am 19 and the boy I am with likes it when I keep my nails filed into points, so I can tear the skin from his back in chunks while we fuck. After we are done, I carefully clean each wound with rubbing alcohol while he writhes in pain, and then I bandage them. I think the aftercare was his favorite part. While I was a little put-off when he first asked me to do this to him, it got to seem sexy after awhile to inflict pain like that.

2001: I am 20 years old and dating Mr. Charming. He is a beautiful Goth boy with Romance Novel hair falling in perfect ringlet curls, who tells me I am pretty and tries to wake me up inside. We use his martial arts belts to tie each other up and we play with the idea of pain. He loves to be cut, and hit, and he likes to hold me down when we have sex, while I struggle. I guess this is my first role play partner outside of a dungeon and I like it.

2002: I am 21 and I just don’t give a fuck. I am dating too many people to keep track of, getting my stuff thrown off of balconies, and trying all the things. I am totally known as the girl who will do ass-to-mouth and who slurps cum like a porn star.

From when I learned to masturbate to when I was 21 years old, I was really just experimenting with everything. Those were the years when I had no idea what I was doing and I was just playing around and trying to figure out who I was and what I liked. It was much harder back then, because computers were really expensive and I was really poor, and the internet didn’t have as much easy-to-access information on kink. Even when I COULD get someone to let me use it for a few minutes, I could never find what I was looking for.

I had no online community to ask questions of, and the actual community was hard to find and full of secretive people who acted like the sex they had was SUCH a big deal. I remember one APEX meeting  when I was really little where I gave up and walked out because everyone seemed too pretentious to my young self and I just couldn’t stand it anymore. If you weren’t IN the community yet and you wanted to get into it, they made it hard and they acted exclusionary.

I think young people today don’t realize how much harder it was 15 years ago to get into the kink community. We were in the shadows then, and none of us could have dreamed of a novel (even a shitty one like 50 Shades of Grey) being popular in the main stream. Now, with books like S&M 101 and communities like the one on reddit to use as resources, it’s so easy to learn all the things that I had to come by the hard way!

As I approach another birthday in my 30’s, I want to take a moment to think about how grateful I am that the world has changed, and how much I hope it keeps moving in the right direction. Tolerance has never been more common, and I hope it will just continue to improve!

You’re Pretty; Deal With It!

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images

I have slept with several women lately, and talked to many more. I know I have said before that I am kind of a guy, but this fact is never more apparent to me then when I spend a lot of time around women.

For a minute, allow me to speak as the guy I am, and also to use a few generalizations.

Ladies; for the most part, guys don’t see your flaws. I know you think we can see that zit under your make-up or the stretch marks on your thighs, but we really kind of tune that stuff out. We’re not looking at you the way YOU look at you, seeing every imperfection. If you’re a little chubby, we appreciate having something to grab on to. If you’re really skinny, we’ll appreciate your ribs. And for the love of all the gods please believe me when I say; your boobs are perfect, because they are boobs and you let us touch them. We don’t care what size your nipples are. We don’t care if you think they are too big or too small or whatever. I slept with a girl with a third nipple and it didn’t freak me out in the slightest.

Before you argue with me, please take into account something my friend always says: “Sex it’s like pizza. Even if it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.”

I think a lot of times you forget to look at it from a guys’ point of view, so let me help you with that. Guys are the ones who are supposed to do ALL the work in society’s mind. This may be changing. This may become more even with time. I’m not saying it SHOULD be the way it is. I’m just saying, lots of girls won’t walk up and talk to a guy. They expect the guy to ask for their number. And lots of girls expect guys to pay for dates. I’m in Korea right now, where it is customary for a man to take his girlfriend shopping and buy her expensive gifts. And the narrative in society tells us that we do these things for sex.

Now wait! Don’t scream about how all guys want is sex and you’re sick of it. I didn’t say that IS all guys want. I said the narrative in society tells a man he must ask for your number, pay for dates, and initiate sex because it is his job. I am not saying this is true or right. I’m just saying it’s what men are programmed by the world to think, and even people who overcome their programming can still hear the echoes of it in the back of their mind.

So if you’ll just accept that men bear the burden of asking for your number and taking you places, then maybe you can start to see how much more stressful dating is for a man. Even if you try to break this programming and split a check once in awhile, there is always going to be the one girl that calls you cheap for it.

I recently took a girl out. I have no job. I am broke as a joke. And she didn’t ASK me to pay for the meal. But I felt like I had to and so I did. It’s just in my head that I am meant to do that, and I don’t care how stupid it is. I’m the Domme. I’m the alpha. It’s my job to take care of the women I date. I can’t get this out of my head, no matter how modern I am.

Now the other thing is that, after all the dating and such, it eventually comes down to sex. Women do not often initiate sex. They’re pretty shy and worried about if the guy really likes them or not and all this stuff, so they tend to wait and follow the lead of the man.

So put yourself in a man’s shoes. Imagine how many times he’s asked for a phone number and been told to fuck off. Imagine how many dates he’s paid for and how many ideas for dates he’s had to come up with. And of course, don’t forget that there is that pressure to always be horny and want sex, while women are always supposed to be shy and act like they don’t want it. Girls do not often admit to being sexual beings, because society has taught them that is they do, they will be shamed as a slut.

So get through all that garbage to the moment that you finally see a girl naked. You WORKED for that. You took chances for that and you struggled to get to this moment. And trust me, it doesn’t matter if her nipples are big or small or fucking inverted for all I care; you’re excited to see them and touch them! It doesn’t matter if her labia are big or small or if her clit is in a weird spot. It doesn’t matter if she’s skinny or chubby or has birth marks.

Ladies; you are beautiful! And according to the social dialogue that everyone is taught; you are a prize to be struggle and fought for. We will kiss every inch of your soft skin and lick you all over and be excited as hell that you let us do stuff to you, and we will not be critical of your body like you are. I promise.

I know I’ll catch shit for this. I know there will be arguments that not all guys are like that or not all girls are like that. And I do know that this isn’t 100% accurate every time.

Just realize that when you see a girl walking down the street and you think “She shouldn’t wear short shorts with an ass like that” or “Why would she wear that shirt with those shoes” that your internal dialogue is very different from that of a man. While you measure yourself up against her and criticize her hair, her makeup, and her clothes, realize that picking apart those things is NOT something men do.

In the same situation, here is what a guy is probably thinking: “I’d hit that.”

And that’s all there is to that.

I’ll say it every day if I have to. You are beautiful. All of you. Your boobs are great. Your pussy is awesome. Your hair smells nice and your clothes are pretty. If you really want to know what a guy is thinking when you think you look fat or greasy or sweaty or gross; he’s probably thinking that you’re hot. Deal with it.

And because it seems to fit here, an old favorite: (Because honestly girls: Doesn’t matter; had sex!)

Poly Couples

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I often meet people who are skeptical about poly-amorous relationships. They tell me no relationship is really happy if the people in it sleep with other people. They are deeply rooted in a cultural stereotype that monogamy is the  only path to a happy relationship.  Videos like the one above (Carrie Underwood- Before He Cheats) sell an idea that sleeping with more than one person is grounds to destroy property and act irrationally. TV shows and movies all sell the same cultural stereotype, and I have yet to see a portrayal of a poly couple that was actually happy.

Now, on this blog I have defended monogamy in the past. I see nothing wrong with it, and I know that it is right for some people. I respect monogamous relationships, and I don’t sleep with people who are in monogamous relationships.

However, I now feel compelled to defend open relationships. This is a post I have been driven to, by a great many people who tell me that I am not really happy. They stand outside my life, and the judge things they cannot possibly understand. And they tell me that I am not really happy with my choices. Because of this, I have finally been forced into a post I never wanted to write, about why I choose not to be monogamous.

First, let me start by saying that I have tried and succeeded at having a monogamous relationship. It lasted for several years. I never cheated once, though I wanted to and often tried to convince him to have threesomes with me and other girls (which he always refused.) So, it’s not like I am just a whore who can’t walk 10 feet without tripping and landing on a penis. I am an evolved human who can control my baser instincts if I must.

Second, I am bisexual. So for me, being monogamous means giving up either girls, or boys. This is hard for me, as I really enjoy both. I am passionate about women in a way I can’t be with men. I fall for them. I am the kind of person who buys flowers and writes poems and tells them that they are beautiful every single day. I love women. But women are complicated. They have several emotions at once, which often keeps them from just wanting to have simple, uncomplicated sex. I like men for their ability to ignore emotions and just have a good time. I also like them for their loyalty. I do not like to have to choose one or the other, when I adore both so much!

And third, I like variety. Yes, you can do many different things with the same person. You can role play and switch around your BDSM roles. You can wear costumes and play parts and you can choose to look them in the eye or not. I do get that. And I am not discounting the ability to make the same person continue to be interesting after a lot of years of sex with them. That is a real thing. However, it’s not just about sex for me. It’s a psychological thing. I like the way different people react to me. I am so in love with the feeling of people falling in love with me. I am seduced by the act of seduction. I love new experiences through the eyes of new people.

So these are my reasons for being unwilling to enter into a monogamous relationship any longer. I used to allow people to make me feel guilty about these things. I used to let them push me into feeling like I was somehow wrong inside, and that my way of thinking wasn’t okay. But I don’t let people push me around anymore.

I am currently in several relationships. Some are just sexual. Three involve real feelings, and are real relationships complete with love and trust. Each relationship I am in is very important to me. I value each of the people who let me share a part of their lives, and I make sure to show them in every way I can that they mean a great deal to me.

The relationship that means the most to me is with my collared Pet. That is because I love to create cool experiences for people, and I love how adventurous Pet is. He will try anything to impress me, and he usually has fun. I really love open-minded people. And Pet is more than open-minded. He’s excited to be put in situations, even if he may not like them, because he wants to try things before deciding he doesn’t like them. And he’s great to share girls with because he doesn’t get jealous or make things complicated.

Now, I have been told that if we can so casually sleep with other people, it means we don’t love each other. I have tried to be understanding of why people say this, but really it’s just getting frustrating at this point. I love Pet passionately. I love the way he thinks, I love the way he acts, I love his sense of humor, and I love his body. There isn’t anything about him that doesn’t make me swoon. And Pet loves me, too. Our other relationships don’t diminish this in any way, and they never have. (We have always been Poly.)

I didn’t want to write this post. I just got tired of being told by people who don’t understand my relationship that it isn’t a valid life choice. My life choices are my own, and I will never judge you. Please afford me the same courtesy.

Going Vanilla

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We've almost all tried it...

We’ve almost all tried it…

Sometimes the scene can get a little uncomfortable where you are, right? Like, this one time when I was dating 3 guys who I assumed all knew that we were not exclusive (since it had never come up and I had never agreed to such a thing).

Meanwhile, they were working on the opposite assumption that not talking about it meant we were committed. So they “find out” about each other, and my stuff gets thrown off of a balcony. And I thought; well I’m not moving, but everyone in this scene is mad at me right now. So… maybe it’s time to date outside until things cool down and I can tell my side of the story.

I am not, by nature, given to monogamy (which eventually everyone agree is okay as long as the people I’m dating don’t ask for monogamy and I sneak around.) In time, my side was heard and everyone came around and decided the guys were assholes for how they planned out the whole throwing my shit into a parking lot thing.

However like I said, at first it was tense and I didn’t want to turn up at a fetish prom for awhile. That’s when I met a nice vanilla boy who took me shooting in the desert with his Mouser and his SKS, and told me that I was pretty. And I thought; eh, what the fuck? I’ll give it a try.

To this day, it was my only monogamous relationship, and my only vanilla relationship as well.

So what of it?

Well, often I see people asking; can kinky people be happy with vanilla people? And that is up to each person to decide for themselves. Me personally, it lasted for 2 years. We dated longer than that, but I only managed to be happy for two years. The rest of the time I just hated him.

It’s not like I didn’t try to open his mind a little. I took him to fetish proms and hung a whip by the bedside. But he was willfully ignorant of anything BDSM related, and when I tried to bring it up he always seemed to be busy or uninterested.

Now of course, there are always different variables at play. Every situations is unique and I can’t tell you what will happen to you. But for those that have asked if I ever had a vanilla relationship; yes I did. And no, it did not work out. I ended up being very unfair to him and picking fights over nothing because I was unsatisfied in bed. And he was good too. The sex was great and he always got me off before we got to the penetration part of the sex. If I were a vanilla girl, it would have been the best sex of my life. But I am me, so I got really bored.

It’s just my experience. And it’s in response to a faithful reader who asked. I’m not trying to tell you how it is, and your relationship may be different.

For me though; yes I tried it. I went vanilla. And no, I will not go back.

Rules and Etiquette

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Just some whips lined up for a party

Just some whips lined up for a party

I am sorry for this. I try to be upbeat, and this post is a little negative. Please forgive me.

Living abroad, I have met a lot of people from various kink communities all over the world. One common theme drives me mad:

Everyone has a different idea of what “the rules” are, and many of them think their way is the only way. I don’t know why- but folks always get really preachy about kink and it’s a little hard for me to take sometimes.

A good example of this is the whole “kink terms” concept.

In all small communities, you can find terms used by the folks in them to describe things. These terms tend to evolve within the small community. I hate when someone from Wisconsin (just as an example) tells someone from Paris that they don’t know shit because they’ve never heard the term “Plug Vibration.”

Look people; if your community used certain words to describe things- that’s cool. If those terms got picked up and used by lots of people- good for you. If you spread your ideas through the internet and lots of people now share them- that’s great.

However, that doesn’t give you the right to act like an elitist when someone else doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

I am a pretty quiet person when it comes to my kink. I don’t talk a lot about what I do, or how I do it. I follow the philosophy that everyone I meet can teach me something I don’t know, and so I prefer to listen.

When I do talk about my kink experiences, I try not to sound like an elitist. I mean hey- the dungeons I have been in were illegal for the most part. The fetish proms I’ve been to were full of more extreme elements than you usually see in kink anywhere. I am not going to talk like I know more than anyone else. I may know different things than they know- but that doesn’t make me better.

I give advice on this blog. To be fair though- I started this blog because I was asked to by some people who know me, and I was just trying to be helpful. I’ve only kept writing because it gets a lot of hits, so I like to delude myself into thinking maybe I am helping people a little sometimes. However, giving some advice doesn’t mean I think I am better than you. You can choose to take it or leave it. You can always do things your way instead of mine, because my way might not work for everyone.

I guess all I am trying to say is that I have a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the way folks in the community act sometimes. I mean, I’m flexible about how I do my scene negotiation, how I play scenes, and how I talk about it all. I don’t tend to use language that might make others feel excluded, and I don’t tend to ever lecture anyone on protocol. Do your thing, people. Whatever it is- I’m not going to judge.

I hate to get down on my community. I feel bad about writing this post. But at the same time- I wanted to call attention to this behaviour because I find it to be a real turn-off when trying to interact with fellow kinksters.

Also, I came from a scene with a lot of blood play and hook suspension. It was very extreme. Therefore I consider myself very conservative about kink, since I don’t often hang from meat hooks or drink blood.

But of course, kink is a lot like political affiliation. I mean, I’m from a red state where everyone is very conservative and they all carry guns. In my home state, I am branded as a radical liberal for my ideas. And compared to the folks around me, I am a radical liberal.

However, when I go up to the pacific northwest and meet the liberals there, I think they’re all way too touchy-feely and I find myself only about to hang with the conservatives.

So a radical liberal in my home state is a conservative in the northwest.

Same with kink.

I might have always thought of myself as very conservative about kink, but now I am finding people who are horrified by some of my ideas, and who think I am radical.

My point here is that it’s really all a matter of perspective. You might look at things one way. I might look at them another. That’s life. But I’m not going to judge you, nor will I treat you badly because we have different ideas. And, I feel like I deserve the same.

Tolerance should really come more easily to this community- so let’s keep that in mind.

Going Away

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It was a great weekend

It was a great weekend

I know I said I would write a post every Monday. And usually, the words flow out of me like water pouring from the sky in a rain storm.

Not today though. Today I am saying goodbye.

For the record, Korea is wonderful and anyone who want to come here totally should. I have had ALL THE FUN in this amazing country!

And yet… it’s time to go.

So this week instead of a post, I just want to say thank you. To all the folks who helped me throw fetish proms, play parties, and set up amazing scenes; You have been incredible! I can not tell you how much I have loved hanging out with you and how grateful I am for my life having a chance to meet and mingle with your life.

I will miss you all.

Take care. Be safe. Keep in touch.

I’ll write my next post from Thailand.

Getting in a Fight

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I want you to hit me as hard as you can...

I want you to hit me as hard as you can…

I got some pretty negative responses at the last play party I went to when I said my pet and I got in a fight (to explain some bruises.)

I did explain that I asked him to spar with me and that I was in the mood to be violent in a non-structured way. Yet, the girl I was talking to kind of went off a little about how violence makes no sense to her and how she doesn’t think it is healthy.

I’m not going to say it is “healthy” because who fucking knows what’s really good for people and what’s not? I’ve got a degree in Psychology and all it taught me was that we really don’t understand the human mind very well.

However, I’d like to defend the idea of getting in a fight- if only for arguments’ sake.

To start, we are evenly matched. I outweigh him by about 40 pounds, but he is in the military and works out a lot. Plus, he has a lot of martial arts training. We’re about the same height, and even have the same size hands and feet. So, it’s not like it was an unfair fight where one person just beats up on the other. It’s fun to spar with someone you’re about evenly matched with because it’s a challenge  and besides, competitions are always more fun when they are close.

Let’s stand back from that though. Let’s look at the larger issue.

I’m not really a “violent person.” What I mean by that is; I don’t hit people in anger. If someone says something that pisses me off, I might walk away, but I will not hit them. I never play when I am angry either. Tying someone up and beating them when you’re mad just seems… troubling to me personally.

So if I’m not a violent person, why do I like to fight?

Well, one of the reason I imagine is testosterone  I have more than most girls and I always have. I saw the movie Fight Club, and I understood right away why someone would want to join. Testing your physical limits in this way is very liberating.

I think there may be a degree of habit mixed in. I have always been in mosh pits at metal shows, and it’s fun to run at people and crash into them. Not to mention I was a bar tender/ bouncer in a pretty ruff bar for awhile. I feel like maybe it’s somewhat unhealthy to walk away from a physical confrontation and think “that was fun,” but I also think it logically makes a lot of sense, particularly if you “won” said fight. And as it happens, I have done that a lot.

With play though, there is a line. I don’t really want to hurt pet. It’s not like I try to poke his eyes out or crush his junk like I would in a real life-or-death street fight. I hold back just enough, because I know I am fighting with someone I care deeply for and am meant to take care of and protect.

Also, pet likes to be punched. Not in the face or anything. I go for the thick patches of muscle on his back mostly. A lot of people kind of like being punched. If you like more thuddy pain than stinging pain, I few punches can feel nice. I tend to avoid kidneys and things like that, but during many scenes pet has begged me to punch him and I have because he’s solid muscle and I know he can take it.

When I fight with him, I’m not trying to hurt him. I’m not trying to get hurt. Of course there will be bruises and stuff, but I mean, there won’t be any lasting damage if we can help it. And I’m not doing it out of anger, or some weird hang-up where I am secretly violent and want to kill people. Just to be clear: I don’t want to kill anyone.

I think that if you don’t get it, there’s a good chance I can’t explain it to you. Still, it’s just a bit of (mostly) harmless fun.

I guess I’d just like to ask that- if you’re talking with someone about stuff they like to do, try not to judge them. As I have been telling people for years: assuming I am a violent socio-path with homicidal tendencies because I like to get in a fight now and again… that’s not really fair. Everyone likes different stuff, you know?

I’d like to leave you with a song I really love, because it seems somehow to fit the theme of this post:

Public Kink

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Hook Suspension

Hook Suspension

Lately I’ve been wondering about how public people make their kink, and what they are really worried about.

First, I should give you background. I have managed to work at a dungeon without feeling the need to tell people about it. My other job during the same time was at a bar, and I kept the two very separate.  Had I told the conservative folks at the dive bar about my other job, they would have lost their shit.

So I think what I am trying to say is; I am good at keeping quiet around people who are vanilla. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes I want to scream from the rooftops: “I just went to the BEST fetish party!” Yet I manage to avoid talking about kink to co-workers, friends, and all the other people I interacted with.

Yes, it feels like a lie sometimes. I often wish it were like being gay, where I could say “this is just how I am and you should accept it!” But it’s not like being gay. (I hate when people make that comparison.) Gay people want the right to get married, and to kiss in public without anyone getting angry. Straight couples into BDSM can get married and kiss in the streets. Kink is really only something to be enjoyed in private or semi-public spaces. It doesn’t need to happen outside dungeons and clubs and house parties. There is really no reason to flog a submissive in the streets for the same reason you shouldn’t have sex in the street. It’s a sex act and those should be private. Therefore, you can’t really say others should have to accept it.

Of course there’s also the fact that, if you tell others, it could damage your career or relationships with vanilla people.

So I keep my kink to myself most of the time. Even at play parties I let others take the lead whenever I can, and I sit back and watch. I feel like kinky people can often think their way is the only way, so I generally avoid giving demos or teaching because I don’t want someone to say “Oh I do it this way and it’s much better.” That always annoys me.

An example is flogging. I really enjoy flogging, but I don’t like to do the approved figure-eight motion. You can’t hit as hard when you do that. I mostly play with submissives that like pain, and I like inflicting pain. I want to pull the tails back and snap them as hard as I can! I want to put all my weight into it and really raise welts! But that’s not the “approved notion” about how to flog someone and I have been criticized for it before.

And I do realize I came from a very extreme scene. When I was growing up, the kids I played with thought nothing of sticking meat hooks into their backs and being hung from the ceiling. I know other scenes are much more conservative, and of course, everyone has their rules.

So in general, if I am forced to present at all or give my opinion, I try to remind people that it’s just how I do things, and I am not trying to be bossy or tell others what to do. I am NOT one of those people that will harass you about protocol. I don’t care who hits on who, what paperwork you want to do or choose not to do, or how you want to play. Do your thing, people. Do your thing.

I consider myself softly spoken and I try to tone my personality down as much as I can. I know I am too high-energy for some people and certainly for some dungeons.

Make no mistake though- because I really can’t let you get this wrong: I am not ashamed of being kinky and I will not act ashamed!

So this is where the question of how “out” to be comes in.

I am open about my kink on fetlife.com and I am open about it to other kinky people. I am not secretive and I don’t think people should let paranoia control them.

Korea has spoiled me. They literally don’t give a shit about your personal life here. It’s understood that you might get drunk and throw up and be crazy at night, but that bears no connection at all to how you act at work. An example (which I was horrified about) is when my boss went to my apartment unannounced to look at my broken heater. I had my toys laid out on the dresser because I had cleaned them all before work, and she did not mention them to anyone ever or hold it against me. She had gone to my house and she understood that privacy is important in a personal space- as Koreans do. I love this about Korea. They let your personal life be your own.

Even in the states though- I am out in the scene. I do not hide who I am from other kinksters or make them guess about what I do or don’t do. I am up-front and direct. And I’m fine with curious vanilla people too. They’re pretty harmless and if they’re thinking about it, I’m cool with letting them come walk on the wild side and have a look.

The reason is this: There is never any evidence. We don’t allow photos at play parties without consent. If you took someone’s picture without asking, the entire crowd would flip out because we all know that is not okay. No one would defend you. It is the same at dungeons and fetish proms. You ask before you take a picture, and you do not post anything on the internet without permission.

Therefore, if someone wanted to “out” you, all they would have is words. They would say “So-and-so is into S&M” and you would say “You wish!” and laugh it off. No one takes hearsay seriously.

This is why I am comfortable in the community and do not seem to be concerned about people knowing that I am kinky. When I am at a fetish event, of course I am not concerned! I am with my people. I refuse to act ashamed of myself around my people! I refuse to be uptight and yell at anyone who even has a camera that they’re not using. I am not going to shy away from vanilla folks who turn up to see what it’s all about, nor am I going to yell at others who are making a choice to bring a trusted friend into the fold.

I guess my point is this: Do be careful, because being found out as kinky can still ruin your life. But, don’t be paranoid and harsh on anyone who doesn’t seem ashamed enough of who they are for your taste. I know everyone is “out” to different degrees, but lets not be rude to folks who are new to the community at a munch or a party or a dungeon. Let’s try to help people explore when they are ready, and not push them when they are not. Lets try to be respectful and kind.

New Year’s Resolution

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I have no idea what this penis is trying to tell me, but it looks serious...

I have no idea what this penis is trying to tell me, but it looks serious…

 

First: Happy New Year’s from the Magically Delicious Super Slut!

I really hate New Year’s Resolutions. With that said, I am going to make one anyway.

I started this blog a few months ago because a few people insisted that I should write about my experiences in the community. At the time, I knew nothing at all about blogs and I felt like I had nothing at all to say.

Over time I have become more comfortable with it- though I am still not sure what this blog is really for or what it is about.

Anyway my resolution is to post one entry a week, and for that entry to be posted on Monday. I feel like all the good bloggers choose a day and stick to it, so I will try to do that.

Also, I will try to figure out what this blog is about. I can’t promise anything about that. I imagine I’ll keep writing sexy entries and memories and tips all jumbled together. One step at a time…

On a personal note for those who follow me: I did finally take the virgin and it was fun. I think this is why I am the only one of my friends my age that doesn’t have wrinkles yet. Feeling old? Take one virgin and call me in the morning…

In defence of monogamy

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holdinghands

I’d like to write a piece in defence of monogamy. Those of you who know me will know it’s hardly on my behalf that I write this. I’ve never really pulled off monogamy for very long, and I don’t like it much. However, I’d like to take a step back and talk about how important it is to some people.

In the community, I think sometimes we fall into a certain mindset: “If you don’t like what I like, you just haven’t done it properly.”

I have heard people say this about all manner of things, from breath play to anal sex. They fall in love with something, and then they just assume everyone who doesn’t also love it is doing it wrong.

In the case of poly relationships, I am guilty of this. I tend to think that if playing with one person is fun, then playing with two will obviously be twice as fun for anyone. And yes, I am also a fan of threesomes and orgies. (Only with good friends!) I tend to have trouble sometimes understanding why people insist on sexual fidelity.

When I step back though, I realize that I really need to be more accepting.

No matter how much I love something, that doesn’t mean anyone else has to even like it. I think sometimes we all get a little forgetful about that, and we probably shouldn’t.

The moral of the story is: Let’s all remember that the things we like are the things we like. Let’s remember to be accepting of the limits that others have, and try not to ever push someone outside of their comfort zone.