Feminism in BDSM

May 5, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Feminism in the BDSM community is a confusing issue. Of course, feminism means being able to do whatever you want regardless of your gender. So, being a stay-at-home-mom is fine if you chose it, and being a career woman is fine if you chose it. Because the point is the freedom to have your own opinion and make your own decisions, regardless of gender stereotypes.

That being said, the majority of the couples in the BDSM community here in Portland (and other places I have been) seem to be male Doms and female submissives. And I KNOW those women are choosing to be submissive so it shouldn’t bother me (as long as it’s a choice it’s okay, right?). Yet somehow, it really does bother me sometimes.

I mean, I’m not the only one having these issues. The internet is full of women debating this. So I tried to narrow down what exactly it is that bothers me about all the men and women playing out “traditional gender roles” in the bedroom. (Traditional gender roles as per society throughout history; i.e. women being submissive to men.)

Now, as you know, I worked for several years as a Dominatrix. I spent a lot of time dominating men. So, unlike most women who have written about this issue, I don’t fall on the submissive side of things.

Some have suggested that being mostly a Domme means I’ll just never “get it.” But, I have switched before, and I do sometimes take a more submissive role. I’d like to think I have a well-rounded perspective on the subject. Or at least, enough all-around experience to have a decent idea of the various opinion involved.

So here’s the deal:

Men in lots of countries in the world still buy and sell women. Women are still exploited in many ways. My friend in Pakistan posts awful stories about girls being forced to marry men older than their fathers. The sex trade in places like the Philippines is disturbing. In Iran, women are stoned to death for the crime of being raped.

And even in countries that think they are progressive like the USA, studies show that women still make less money than men, and are still pushed into secretary and teaching positions, while being pushed away from engineering and science.

We have a lot of work to do all over the world to reach equality.

And when you realize that, you have to accept that women were submissive socially to men until very recently; and for most of recorded history in most countries around the world. Men have nearly always been in charge of the government and the courts in societies, and as such, they have almost always controlled the destinies of women.

I know this is why it bothers me to see so many women acting as submissives. I want women to be equal to men socially, in every society on Earth. And because they are not, I sometimes get frustrated that so many women choose to be submissive.

So I’d like to apologize to any female subs I have offended over the years. I am trying very hard to be accepting of your choice. Just remember to make sure it IS always your choice, and let’s keep it safe, sane, and consensual.

What About Love?

April 16, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I have posted several blog entries about how poly relationships work. But I guess I mostly only talked about managing jealousy and having safe sex. I never talked about love.

A recent article a friend posted on Facebook suggested that you can only love one person at once. This is one of the two vanilla stereotypes that make me crazy. There are two:

1. You can only really love one person at once.

2. There is a ONE perfect person out there for you, and you must search for “the one” where everything just “feels right” with them.

First let’s talk about loving more than one person at once.

I love my husband and he’s currently stuck in school where I can’t be, so I have to spend a lot of time chatting with him online and making skype dates. And it’s more than that; I troll the internet searching for naked pictures of hot Asian women in bondage gear to send him. I save links to articles he would enjoy and send them to him when he wakes up. I think of him every moment of every day and I think of ways to make him happy.

I also maintain several boyfriends who are long-distance. I keep in touch with them because we dated and it was fun, but then we had to move away for work. And now we live apart, but I didn’t stop loving them and they presumably didn’t stop loving me. So we e-mail and text and keep in touch. I call these “to be continued” relationships, because if we lived in the same place, we would presumably pick up where we left off.

In addition, I have two boyfriends here in Oregon. And while neither of them are long-term material for various reasons, I can’t have lots of sex and fun moments and cool adventures with someone without growing to love them. I’m not made of stone.

I even have an ex that I am still ridiculously in love with and talk to all the time. (Yes, my husband knows.) Usually no one achieves “ex” status because I move around a lot and when I have to leave a place, I don’t stop loving the people there. You can’t break up with someone without a fight, in my opinion.

An ex involves a breakup. And Mr. Geek and I had a break up; maybe the worst one I’ve ever had. We even fought, which I don’t do with most people. And that doesn’t change how I feel at all, cuz I still love him to death and he knows it.

That is not all the relationships I am maintaining. There’s more. But, those are just the main ones. And this does not include friends, family, or the 300 Christmas cards I send every year. This doesn’t include lots of people who take up my time. I have never had sex with my drinking buddy here, but we still go out to lunch and spend lots of time together, so it still counts as a relationship that takes time to maintain.

In the article written by the judgmental vanilla guy, the claim is that you can not love more than one person at a time because really loving someone takes all the hours in a day.

Well, I have been in that kind of relationship. The kind where you ignore your family and friends and spend all your time with ONE person. You blow off girls night out and D&D (or whatever you do for fun) and you just spend all your time staring into the eyes of “the love of your life” all day. It is very unhealthy to behave in this manner. We all did it in High School and remember what happened? Remember how inconsolable you were when you broke up with your High School sweetheart?

Love like that has no balance. When one person is the focus of all your energy you become obsessive, jealous, paranoid, and delusional. Your imagination runs away with you every time they smile at another person. You worry about where they are when they are not with you. You insist that you would kill yourself if they died because you could’t live without them. This is not healthy behavior. This is High School behavior, and you’re meant to grow out of it.

Part of growing up is learning to maintain more than one relationship at once. This means you still see your friends even when you start dating someone new. You still call your mom. You still participate in your hobbies (whatever they may be.) You don’t loose yourself in every new relationship, because as you get older you learn that you need to keep your life in balance and never let one aspect of it overtake the whole.

And yes, some people never get as far as balancing more than one intimate relationship. For some, one is all they need and all they can handle. And that is okay. I am not judging that lifestyle.

But for some of us, it’s not like that. Some of us love more than one person at a time. And neither of those lifestyles is more valid or “real” than the other.

And now to say just a few words about “The One.”

This is a concept that is constantly reinforced all over society. You see it in movies and sitcoms and you hear people say it. “She wasn’t ‘The One.'” or “Well if he’s ‘The One’ you should get married.”

Look people; this is a mythical idea created by Disney and its not okay. You do not have ONE person who is the other half of you and that you must search forever to find. And when you find them it’s not going to be all magical and easy because love is hard work if you want to keep it, no matter who you are in love with. Love that lasts requires always courting the other person, and you must never stop bringing flowers and telling them that they are beautiful. You must never stop thinking of them when you are apart and finding little ways to show them you care. Because if you stop maintaining a relationship with anyone, no matter how compatible you are, it will die.

There certainly are degrees of compatibility. I am not terribly compatible with a football fan who is vanilla and doesn’t like to hike or watch geeky movies. Meanwhile, give me a goth kid who is a freak between the sheets, intelligent, and likes to ride roller coasters and I melt into a puddle on the floor. I swear I swoon every time I see Elon Musk speak. A D&D geek who builds spaceships is maybe the sexist thing on Earth!

So, you know, you are going to be more compatible with some people than with others in terms of interests and such.

And then there is chemistry. You’re going to have it with some people and not with others. Scientists speculate that it has to do with a woman’s ability to smell a good genetic match, and that “chemistry” is the feeling of someone you would make healthy babies with. That may well be a big part of chemistry. Who knows? But it’s a thing you won’t have with everyone, even if you may like the same movies and have the same interests.

So there are people you fit better with than others. And if you’re going to get married you should certainly choose the one you get along best with. I married my best friend and we have great chemistry and similar ideas about the world, as well as a few common interests. We have great conversations and we’re able to reason through rough patches without fighting.

But that doesn’t mean that I am going to build it up in my head and say that my husband is ‘The One’ because that is nonsense.

Here’s what you do; you pick someone and you say “I want you.”

That’s all.

There’s no big secret and no one person that is perfect for you. You just pick a person and you decide to make it work with them, and then you do.

Maybe those of us in the BDSM community are farther removed from the Disney ideals. I don’t know. But my friends know this stuff, and it isn’t until I watch a sitcom or talk to some vanilla folks that I even remember this stuff is out there.

So please, can we just admit that love, with anyone, needs to be maintained to last? And if you really love more than one person, you can put in that maintenance. It really is that simple.

The Art of Burlesque

March 26, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

When I was in Seoul I threw some fetish proms with my very good friend Chris Backe. We had some great performers for our events, and one of my favorites was a troupe called White Lies Burlesque. In my travels to various places and in my career in promotions, I have noticed that most fetish events and parties end up booking a burlesque troupe.

Now I recently went to a burlesque show at The Lovecraft in Portland, and it got me thinking about why burlesque and kink are so often intertwined.

To start, what is burlesque? It can be hard to explain to the vanilla world sometimes. Yes, it is women taking their clothes off. But no, it is not strippers. I guess the main difference is that it is a more sex positive environment. It is a show, with performers who have talents from fan dance to acting, and they usually have a theme to their act. The girls from white lies had several bits that were wonderful and funny, such as the girl who would put blown up balloons all over her naked body, and then let people pop them one by one. Or the girl who did a dance with a cake that involved her eventually getting covered in it. I know, it sounds weird, but it’s a fun environment with lots of cheering and laughter and good-natured cat calls.

Think about a strip club (only North Americans know what I am talking about here but bear with me). There is loud music and a loud DJ who drones on from his booth, sounding like an announcer at a sporting event. There are a bunch of sullen looking guys and a girl on stage in high-heels, who comes out in some skimpy thing and takes it off slowly. No one cheers. The men look like wolves watching a sheep.

Now a strip club is similar to burlesque, in that it is girls getting naked that you can’t have sex with. I know this is an American thing and I know it’s weird to my European and Asian friends who do not understand why you would pay to see a girl naked instead of paying to have sex with a girl. And I can not explain that, though I have tried over many bottles of whiskey in bars all over the world. I don’t know why we like it, but we do. And it isn’t JUST us. The Japanese have Geisha, who do NOT have sex with the men they entertain. And burlesque is originally French, so obviously at some point someone in Europe thought a brothel wasn’t the only option.

Burlesque is about the tease. It’s about the joy of cheering while I girl does some awesome dance routine or kink routine, and laughing with your friends over cocktails. It’s not at all like a strip club, sex club, brothel, or anything else. It’s a unique and more classy experience, and it’s just a fun thing to do with your friends.

So the highlight of my night at The Lovecraft (Burlesque show on the first Tuesday of every month, if you’re in the area) was a performer called Morgue Anne, who stripped out of a straight jacket. I’d never seen anything like it, and I thought it was a wonderful performance. But don’t take MY word for it, because you can watch her.

Burlesque is unique for this reason. Where else are you going to see a girl wiggle out of a leather straight jaket or do a fan dance? It’s just not a common thing. And it should be, because it really is good fun.

As far as how kink relates to burlesque, I can only imagine it is because kinky folks like things a little more interesting than JUST naked girls. And we also appreciate more sex-positive experiences like burlesque.

Forever is About Six Months.

March 13, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

BDSM is a huge and varied thing. There are so many different sub-groups and various fetishes within the kink community that it’s hard to ever sum it up. From furries to foot fetishists to hook suspension groups, the rabbit hole is deep, and it’s a long way down.

I was talking recently with a Dom friend of mine, who was mentioning how surprised he was by things that he ended up doing, which he thought he would never do. He said someone told him when he got into the community that “Forever is about six months.” Meaning, you say you’ll never do something, not ever ever ever, and then you end up trying it down the road.

I have found this to be a regularly occurring phenomenon, so I thought I’d devote a post to the most common things people say that they will never ever do.

Needle Play: The art of needle play involves putting needles under someone’s skin. Of course one must make sure that said needles are sterile and, because bacteria like staff and MRSA can live on the skin, you must also use alcohol to clean the skin before inserting any needles. This can be a simple affair with one or two needles used only for sensation, or it can become an art form when people use many needles to make beautiful and intricate designs.

People say they will never ever do it mostly if they are freaked out by needles, and the feel of one sliding into their skin. But if practiced correctly, needle play is not like getting blood drawn, because the needles do not go in that deep. They are meant to be slid right under the top layer of skin, and pushed sideways, so as not to go into the tissue and cause permanent damage. This actually causes very little pain, and because the needles do not go deep, it lacks the sense of violation that some feel when a needle to pushed deep into a vein for a IV or something.

Yes, I have tried it. It was an experience and I’m glad I did it, but I didn’t enjoy it enough to want to do it often.

Piss Play: I guess there are a thousand ways to describe this one, though I mostly hear “golden showers,” or “watersports.” This is the act of someone peeing on you, or peeing on someone. Most typically done outside or in a shower or bathtub, it is something that plays on a deep-seeded taboo in the human mind that one should not touch waste from their own body or from someone else’s.

Most people say they will never ever do this because it is gross, and I admit that there is an ick factor involved. It’s better if the person doing the peeing drinks lots of water first, because there is less of a smell then.

I have talked to several people who ended up trying it, and mostly there is two sides to it. The first is the side of the person who wants to pee on someone. For them, it is often described as an act of control, or the ultimate submission of their partner to their will. For the person on the receiving end, I have had it described to me as being incredibly hot because it is so wrong to them. To do something so gross just to please their master brings them joy.

I also tried this, and I don’t see the appeal myself in peeing on someone (or being peed on for that matter). But I don’t judge people who like it because I’m into some strange things myself and we should never judge our fellow kinksters.

*Side note: I have never actually met anyone who is into scat play, nor have I ever tried it. I am sure someone, somewhere does it. But I guess I feel it’s so very uncommon that it doesn’t need to be addressed. I promise to change my mind of I ever actually meet someone who likes to play with poo.

Bukkake: This is basically playing with cum in various ways. In some cases, it can just be a man cumming on his partner, perhaps in a more taboo area like the face. Or, for a sub of mine, he would cum on my stomach and then lick it up slowly while making eye contact with me. It can even include food; for example a man cumming on a piece of food and then making his partner eat it.

This is often a never ever for people who find cum disgusting. It does have a odd taste and consistency that can put people off, and of course it is a bodily fluid and some people are just bothered by bodily fluids in general.

For me, I think the sexist example was the sub I had in Arizona who liked to lick his cum off of me, because he just looked so damn hot doing it. I also had a Dom who would cum inside of me, lick it up, and then spit on me. That was actually pretty sexy too. I guess this falls into the category of something I like to do, though only after exchanging STD tests because one should always do that before becoming fluid bonded to another person.

Hook Suspension: This is when a person has hooks carefully placed into various points in their skin, and then is lifted off the ground or pulled by another person controlling the hooks.

The first time I saw a hook suspension was at a concert when I was 17. I remember being amazed at how far the man’s skin stretched from his body. He was swinging across the stage and the skin on his back was stretched about 18 inches from his bones. It almost looked like he had a pair of wings.

This gets a never ever reaction from a lot of people because they expect that it would be very painful to have their skin penetrated by hooks, and then used to support the weight of their body.

This is actually the one things I’m going to tell you about today that I have never done. I have wanted to. My friends in Suspension Merriment are wonderful people (I love that they call themselves “hookers”) and they always look so peaceful when they are hanging.

My reason for not doing it is because I don’t go into shock or get endorphins when my body is injured. I broke my arm a few years ago and instead of getting a rush of adrenalin and endorphins that helped me deal with it, it simply hurt the whole time I was getting to the hospital and waiting there to be helped. I think for me, it would not be a spiritual and amazing experience, but more of a trial that I just don’t feel ready to endure. But again, I love the folks who do it. They are great people. I respect what they do and don’t judge another person’s kink.

Fisting: This is one of those things that sounds really scary if you’re the owner of a vagina. After all, a hand is pretty big usually, and it doesn’t seem like it would fit. People say they would never ever do this for a lot of reasons. Girls worry that it will hurt, or that their vagina will tear. Also there is the concern that if it is stretched out, it won’t go back to being tight again.

First I’ll just say that the vagina is amazingly stretchy and meant to pass a baby through. Yes, it can stretch, and yes it will shrink back to it’s original size (though the time that takes can vary from person to person.) This doesn’t mean it isn’t dangerous, because not using lube or moving too fast can tear the vagina and cause infection, or even require stitches.

I have done this, and I like it. It’s one of those things that I have to be in the mood for. But I like it, and have even gone as far as trying anal fisting, which I also enjoyed, (but again, I had to be really aroused first because I feel like tissue is more pliable and tolerant of abuse when it is full of blood and aroused). I have also done it to several girlfriends, who also enjoyed it once they were into it. Some took awhile to work up to it though, as in, not on the first try. I have yet to fist a guy, but I’m not ruling it out.

I could go on and on. I know some people find furries strange, as well as pet play and rape play. Perhaps I’ll get to those another day. For now, these are just some examples.

I promise you that my 16-year-old self who first entered a dungeon was not okay with any of these things. At one point, they were hard limits for me. And over time, they became soft limits, and then I tried them.

In fact, I have found myself doing all manner of weird things, from dental play to role play, that I thought when I was younger that I wouldn’t do.

Rough sex with a little choking or slapping is a long way from hook suspension. It has certainly been an interesting journey. But the point is that “never ever” is something that we all say about something at some point, and it is truly amazing how fast you can go from that feeling of “hell no” to that feeling of “hell yeah.”

As the saying goes; forever, for many in the community, is about six months.

Final note: It should also be mentioned that a person’s chemistry with another person is a huge factor. It takes a certain type of person and the right kind of chemistry to push and break limits. Even if you’re okay with something with one person, sometimes you’re not with another. And that is okay. One can not understate the importance of personalities matching up and chemistry between people.

Sub Frenzy

March 7, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

There is a term in the community that describes the feeling when a person desperately wants to sub. This person does not have to be strictly a submissive by nature. As some wise old Domme ladies here in Portland told me, “Everyone needs to sub now and then, just for balance.”

Maybe that’s not true for everyone. But it is true for me.

Most of the time I like being in control. Most of the time I want to call the shots, and be in charge. I like to plan the scenes, run the scenes, and make magic happen. It’s one of the moments where I get to shine.

But I am a switch.

Of course I’m picky as hell. I have only ever been subbmissive with three guys in my whole life. I don’t trust easily l and I need a potential Dom or Domme to have that quality where they can read my mind. Sometimes, there just is chemistry. I don’t know why. But mostly there isn’t chemistry and that’s okay too. I can have all kinds of fun with people I’m equal with, or people who let me be in charge.

And yet…

I was talking to a friend the other day and she was telling me about this Dom. She was lamenting that they can’t have a relationship for various reasons, and it’s a shame because they have wonderful chemistry. She said it’s so frustrating to have this person that you love to sub for, and know it’s not going to work out.

I told her I could relate.

I had been feeling a bit of a sub frenzy anyway. But actually admitting it to another person made it so much worse. Now it seems more real. The last time I subbed for anyone was August of 2012, and I miss it!

The worst part is that Mr. Bond just moved back here (as in- to the same house as me). I have mentioned him before. He and I dated my first year in Korea. I adored him, and we had a lot of fun together. And I trusted him to tie me up and put me in subspace. And we had amazing chemistry. It was… well… some of the most fun I’ve ever had.

For whatever reason, he’s not interested in picking back up where we left off a few years ago. And that’s fine, because I’m still glad he’s around in my universe. But seriously, it’s terrible to live just upstairs from someone who can put me in subspace, while I am feeling like this.

So this one’s for the submissives, be they full time or only on rare occasion. That feeling when you desperately want to be at the mercy of a good Top is something we all go through, and it’s dangerous. I’ve seen subs do scenes with completely incompatible people because they were just desperate to be with someone in that way.

So, I will try to keep all this stuff in the back of my mind. But isn’t it amazing how hard it can be to get kink out of your brain sometimes?!?

They’re all tied up. Now what?

February 28, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

*Note, because it’s usually a guy asking this question, I’m writing this as a guide for a guy as the Dom. That doesn’t mean this is always the case, as of course, I am usually the Domme in my relationships with both men and women. But look; I had to choose pronouns because that is how English works.

I’ve noticed that a re-occurring question when it comes to BDSM and beginners is: “Okay, I have her tied up. Now what do I do?”

I’ve also noticed that a very common response in kink forums is “strap a vibrator to her and wait for her to cum.”

I have so many problems with all of that. So let’s take it in two parts.

Part One: Why you do not strap a vibrator to her and “wait for her to cum.”

Okay, I know that vibrators work on a lot of girls. I also know that Kink.com features this scenario often, and so that contributes to guys getting the wrong idea.

However, not all girls like vibrators. They also do NOT work on all of them. In fact, they are very unpleasant for some girls. Remember to discuss with your partner what she likes and what toys she is okay with BEFORE applying them to any part of her body. Scene negotiation before play is SO important!

Even if a vibrator does work as a way to get her off, it’s not the only way and it is far too overused in kink porn and in kink couples.

Main tips: Don’t use a vibrator unless she’s okay with it, and even then don’t be lazy and always use it. Also, if you use your finger be gentle and use lube. Or better yet, use your tongue and be gentle.

Part Two: What to do once she’s tied up…

Some people really freeze up once they have their girl tied and ready to play with. This is understandable when you are new, and thankfully it’s easy to deal with.

Remember that you can still do all the things you would have done if you hadn’t tied her up. Standard vanilla sex stand-by stuff like ear biting and licking, neck kisses and nibbles, playing with nipples, licking her pussy, fucking her, etc…. are still okay things to do when she’s tied up. Those things aren’t off limits once you get some rope on her.

But if you need kinky ideas remember that there are zillions and zillions available on the basic BDSM checklist.

Remember that BDSM is not just about pulling her hair, choking her, or spanking her. It’s about control. It’s about playing roles. If you are being Dominant, then tease her with that fact. Say things like “You’re all tied up now. That means you’re my toy and toy and I can do whatever I want….” (That’s just an example. Please be creative.)

And also remember that you can do nice things for your submissive. You can rub her feet, suck on her toes, kiss all of her skin, rub her back, or wash her hair. You don’t always have to be mean. In fact, a good Dom takes time to appreciate their toys. So keep that in mind, too.

If you are still looking for ideas after going through a BDSM checklist, another good place to look is in erotic fiction. This is because men are more drawn to visual stimulation and so usually watch porn. But in general, women are less visual and more conceptual about sexual stimulation. So, they often read and write erotic fiction.

Now, it’s good to know when you take advice who it’s coming from. So, I am mostly a Domme. Nearly every person that I sleep with subs for me. It’s not even a discussion. It’s just more of an assumption since I have the more dominate personality and I mostly only attract submissives.

However, I do sometimes sub if just the right person comes along. It has to be a very specific sort of person with very specific attitudes about sex. I rarely find this type of person.

Still, I DO have experience on both sides of the whip.

One last closing thought: It pissed me off when I Googled “Master and Sub” and got nothing but pictures of women subbing for men. I hate that the community is so dominated with that. It feels somehow anti-feminist, even though I know that the whole point of feminism is supposed to be having a choice about what role you play in society. I am a switch, but mostly I am a Dominatrix. We are out there. A BDSM couple is NOT just a Dom male and Sub female, and I think it’s important that we all remember that.

Kink Evolution

February 15, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Kinky very well might just be the way a person is. It has always seemed that way to me. But ideas that excite us do not always stay static. We all start somewhere, and usually we sort of change bit by bit over time. Most of us start out with simple things. Basic restraints and maybe a blindfold. Some teasing with a feather or maybe even a little novelty flogger.

Most sex shops sell some kind of BDSM starter kit these days, because of the popularity of books dealing with the subject. And of course, household items like kimono ties and karate belts are good starting items.

Over time though, we often get into more complicated stuff. Because most of us that are into BDSM are just addicted to excitement, and to variety and experiences.

A Dom of mine who I adored as a Dom has evolved into more of a Sadist. This is a natural progression for a lot of people. As someone who is not a Masochist, I am ever so slightly disappointed. But I accept it, because I understand that he was bound to evolve.

I think everyone changes over time.

Where a blindfold was once all you needed, maybe a rope suspension starts to seem like a good idea too. And little by little, we wander father and father down the rabbit hole.

I know lots of people who started out saying, “Oh, I’d never play with hooks in my skin.” And before too long, they ended up part of a “hookers” group like suspension merriment. (Yes, that video is taken in a backyard. There aren’t a lot of venues that let hookers work there, and since Suspension Merriment is based out of Arizona, there is never weather to worry about anyway.)

Things that started out as hard limits become soft limits, and then over time they even become things you enjoy.

Kink is all relative. After all, I know vanilla couples who think that anal sex is kinky. To most of us, anal sex is tame, but anal hooks and butt plugs are sort of exciting.

So how do you deal with it when a partner of yours evolves and you don’t?

Well, this is where you find yourself either learning to like new things, or setting limits for them in play. And this is also why polyamory is a good idea in the kink world, because it’s very hard to find someone that matches up 100% with all your kinks. It’s hard to get everything you could ever want from just one person. (Though I’m not saying it is impossible.)

My toy bag has grown a lot over the years to include new and different things. I think that is pretty normal, according to what I have seen.

The real key is constant communication. Always figure out a way to express your needs. If you can’t do it in person (too shy or something) then try writing e-mails or letters. I prefer in-person myself, but because people can be shy, I also accept written scene ideas. I do prefer paper-and-pen letters to e-mail though, because we all know Google and the NSA are reading our electronic correspondence.

Anyway find a way to talk to your partners or partners and tell them what you need. And if you can try new things and evolve together, that’s always best.

Penis Size

February 9, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Disclaimer: Yes, this blog is mostly about kink, but this post is just a rant so feel free to skip it.

This is one of those things I am so sick of talking about that I can hardly stand it. Every guy has to talk about his penis. The ones with smaller penises always act insecure about it and it’s awkward. The ones with big dicks brag all the time like it’s all that matters. So fuck it. I am going to clear up a few things.

First; Vaginas are not all the same size. Seriously guys, this is a thing. Mine is about 8 inches deep. Sure they are stretchy and stuff, but it does hurt to stretch them. Also, the clitoris is not at the very end of the vagina WAY inside or something. In fact, the tip is outside and above the vagina, while the underneath part is sort of on the sides of the vagina. So for girls to get off, a big penis is irrelevant. Sure, some like it. But not all of us do.

Second: Some positions are better with penises on the smaller side. With a smaller penis, you get to have more grinding, and that is more likely to allow a girl to get off while having sex (not from the penetration, but from the friction against hip bones.)

Third: Oh my god size isn’t everything. It’s just not. Yes, a very tiny penis will make us sad so you better be good at something else. (Oral sex, back rubs, use of toys, etc…) And look; a big penis really does hurt and not all girls like pain.

I could go on and on. But I’m not going to because the internet does and so does every guy on Earth and I just hate this topic.

Oh, and for the girls: There is no way to tell a guy’s penis size unless you actually look at his penis. I don’t care what app you have on your phone or what your friends told you. I have seen a lot of penises in person at sex clubs, and dungeons, and in my bed. Unless you’re a professional porn star I probably have more experience than you so just trust me.

When I first got to Portland I slept with a guy we’ll call Mr. Pretentious. He was tall and had very long fingers and big feet; all the things that are supposed to predict big penis size were present. (Not that I was looking for that; because he found me not the other way around.) Point is; I get his clothes off and his dick is so tiny I can’t even feel it in my ass. It was really small.

And then there are the guys who are short and skinny and dinky looking. My ex who was a drummer in a metal band is a good example. Little guy. Shorter than me. Weighed maybe 100 pounds. His dick was 11 inches long. I measured it against an old wooden ruler and just stared in disbelief. The man should not have had a strong enough heart or enough spare blood (given his size) to keep a penis like that hard. It was fat, too.

So girls, the moral of the story is this; don’t think you can stall and put off sex for a long time. Because then you’ll get attached before you know whether or not his penis is something you can live with (As in; is your vagina too small or too big for it?)

One last thing:

MEN: DO NOT TALK ABOUT THE SIZE OF YOUR PENIS TO US.

Consider this a public service announcement and take it to heart. Because if you say “I wish my dick was bigger” and I do as well, I’m going to have to sit there and bite my tongue. Or worse (and I have done this) I’m going to loose my patience and say “Me too,” then put on my clothes and leave.

Others things not to say include “I’m so glad my dick is big” and “I wish my dick was bigger.”

Yes. We know. All of you think bigger is better and you’re constantly obsessing about your penis and it’s size relative to other men and particularly porn stars. But self-confidence is sexy and even when you are bragging about your cock and it is a respectable size, you still sound desperate for approval and childish when you talk about it. Confident men don’t have to brag, after all.

Women should not ask if dresses make them look fat. It’s a trap. And men should not bring up penis size for the same reason.

(And just so you know, the guy who I walked out on after telling him he had a small penis obsessed over it for years and even started a website devoted to hating me and tried to get my exes and random strangers to join. It destroyed his ego for years. I don’t feel bad about it though. He brought it up every single time we had sex as we were laying in bed after. He’d say it was small and I’d feel obligated to reassure him that it was fine. And I just got sick of lying to him. He shouldn’t have brought it up, and you shouldn’t either. )

*I’d like to apologize to my husband for this post. He has an unnaturally large penis and he does kinda talk about it rather too much. I love him with all my heart and soul in spite of this fact. And, I love his penis. I hope this post doesn’t hurt his feelings (if he even reads my blog, which I kind of doubt.)

Slut Shaming is Wrong

January 27, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I have skirted this issue before without directly talking about it, but I think it’s finally time to write a post about it.

Slut-shaming is the act of looking down on a girl who sleeps with lots of men. It is done by a large percentage of men with no conscious thought (it seems being socialized as male makes you consider a woman’s worth as something tied to her sexual promiscuity.)

In overly religious cultures it is worse, of course. They expect all women to be virgins until they are married. Once they are married they may sleep with their husband, but never anyone else. Even if they are raped, it is considered cheating and, as they have become impure, they will be stoned to death. This has happened in all Middle Eastern countries for centuries.

Now, many countries are more tolerant. If a woman is not a virgin when she gets married, they will accept this. Of course they do still expect her to get married, and she will be shamed if she reaches a certain age and has not yet “found a man.” The implication here is that a woman is helpless and unable to care for herself or be responsible for herself. She needs a man and must find one while she is young and attractive, or none will want her.

But THAT is a topic for another time.

Anyway, this mentality of slut shaming is everywhere. Women are grudgingly allowed to have sex before marriage but they are not allowed to enjoy sex or have lots of it without feeling shame and being shunned.

A girl who does porn is a “whore.” A girl that enjoys sex is a “slut.” All manner of terms that society calls negative will be applied to a girl so that she understand that having sex is a NEGATIVE thing, and she should do it as little as possible. And eventually this message is drilled into the heads of those with a XX chromosome pair, until it is part of who every women is.

If she gets raped, she was asking for it. (Please look into the Slut Walk movement to realize how much bullshit this is.) If she wears a mini skirt, she’s a “dirty girl.” If she has sex with more than a few men she is disgusting.

This puts women in impossible situations and it’s not okay. We really need to stop this nonsense.

Really let this sink in, because these are things that run deep in who we all are. Men believe these things, and so do women. No one means to. No one realizes that they have been taught this. It is just part of who we all are as a society, and it is true of every society on the planet.

Now let’s think about some things that many women do:

1. Women tend to act coy and pretend not to be interested in a guy. They are shy about being up-front and admitting that they find a man attractive. They do not feel comfortable openly telling a man that he is handsome.

2. Women tend to feel like they shouldn’t want sex. They are taught to push guys off, to say no, and to act as though the subject holds no interest for them.

3. Women tend to lie about how many guys they have slept with so as not to appear as sluts. I remember in a movie once a girl talking to a female friend says “Guys want to seem like they know what they are doing, so they always add extra to the number of girls they have slept with. Women want to seem pure and chaste, so they always subtract some from their number.”

All of these things are bad.

Why? Well first, it is unhealthy for a woman to feel that sexuality (a natural part of life) is a sin for her. Some women feel unable to say “no” when a guy pressures them to have sex, but then later they regret it because they really didn’t want to in the first place.

Women shouldn’t feel like they have to say no. And they shouldn’t feel ashamed after. These things are taught to them because they “aren’t allowed” to like sex (according to society.) And that is really bad for everyone.

Let’s think about men for a moment here.

What must it be like to be constantly shot down? You talk to girl after girl, and even the ones you thought you caught checking you out just giggle and say no when you ask for their number. Then, when you finally get a girl to date you, she constantly pushes you away when you try to be physically affectionate. How do you think it feels to always be the one expected to initiate intimate contact, and to be pushed away the vast majority of the time?

So this culture of shame and resentment builds up between men and women. And it’s awful. Women feel pushed into sex and then ashamed after. Men feel forced to be pushy about sex, then deal with constant rejection. This is not good for anyone!

How do we stop it?

That’s the easy part. We stop slut-shaming and the problem solves itself.

It really is that simple, folks. We just tell women that sex is a natural part of life, and they should want and enjoy it just like men do. And it’s okay. They can have as many sexual partners as they want, and that’s okay. In fact, a women that has more sexual partners might even be more desirable because she obviously enjoys sex and possibly has knowledge of exciting new things that you’ve never tried.

So let us review:

Teaching women to feel shame over sex is bad. Placing a higher value on women who have had less sex is bad. Shaming women who have had lots of sex is bad. Please try to remember that “slut” and “whore” should be positive words. They are used to denote women who are in touch with their sexuality and who enjoy sex. You want that kind of women in your society.

I know it’s hard to wrap your brain around. I know it goes against all the things that you never knew society was teaching you. I know you want to resist.

But don’t. Because it’s time we realize that the word “slut” is not a pejorative term. It’s time we stop teaching men to always want sex and always try to get it, while teaching women to never want sex and to always resist. It’s a bad game with unfair rules and we all need to refuse to play so that we can stop having a “battle of the sexes” and start having fun.

And not only am I proud to be a slut, but I should also tell you, I am magically delicious!

Music to have Kinky Sex to

January 11, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I am often asked what is good dungeon music. This is largely a matter of opinion, and I can’t tell you what you should listen to when you have sex.

That said, here are some of my favorites:

Element a440, Kookie Kutter

Faderhead, Aim to misbehave

Hardwire, Sex Slave

Rammstein, Pussy (Sadly censored)

Selfless, Clarity

Note: All I could find was a live video on youtube, but if you can find any of their albums they are absolutely divine to do kinky things to.)

Hedley, Don’t Talk To Strangers

Note: I just like this one because I am a cougar most of the time.

So obviously anything my Nine Inch Nails or Marilyn Mason is good for a dungeon environment. Once at a play party we ended up watching LMFAO videos because the power of laughter can not be underestimated. *Shrugs*

I personally like a lot of heavy metal like Children of Bodeom and Cradle of Filth. I recognize that this is not for everyone. But if I want to hit someone hard, it really helps. Plus it’s good for what I guess you called fucking. Porn-style sex, you know? I like that…

magicallydelicioussuperslut

I want to do things to you that you'll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Category Archives: Just thoughts