A recent reader question prompted me to do a quick post on key parties.
It should be noted that this is not generally something that is associated with the kink scene. You may consider it to be “kinky,” and that is a matter of opinion. However, in the kink scene we tend to be very picky about our play partners because we have specific scene ideas and play preferences that are best complimented by a certain sort of person. A person who identifies as a “Little” will be best complimented by someone who enjoys playing the role of “Daddy,” for example. This means we are very unlikely to chose partners in any sort of random way.
The idea behind a “key party” is that several couples get together at someone’s house and have dinner and drinks. At the start of the night, all the men put their keys in a bowl. At the end of the night, each women picks a set of keys from the bowl, and goes home with whomever they belong to.
This is typically popular among older married couples who are vanilla, because a marriage can get stale, and vanilla people all have pretty much the same kind of sex, so they can pretty much match up with any other vanilla person.
Of course, I have been to a key party because they are sometimes organized within the BDSM community. But when that is the case, it is usually among couples who know one another. It will be something like all female Dommes and all male Submissives, and everyone will fill out consent forms and BDSM checklists first.
Obviously, as I have said many times before, spontaneous hookups are a bad idea. Remember that condoms do not protect against HSV-1 or HSV-2 and are not 100% for other STDs either. Anytime you “hook up” without first trading current STD tests, you put your life and the lives of your partners at risk. So before you go organizing your own kink key party, make sure to get the paperwork of everyone involved.
So, due to some personal circumstances, I find myself traveling to Portland for awhile. In theory, I leave January 15th, and I return to Guam February 15th. (But we’re flying Space A with the military so who knows? It’s a lot like catching a bus with no schedule, and when it shows up anyone more important than you can bump you off. )
I can’t be sure if I’ll be able to post much while I am away, but I hope to come back with interesting stories. Hopefully that will make up for my brief absence.
In the meantime, wish me luck in my travels. I promise to do my best to check in!
I have said before that slut-shaming is wrong. I will continue to say this because so many men refuse to understand this point, and it gets tiresome.
First, I was recently called a “disgusting sex-worker” and I want to deconstruct all the things wrong with that.
Let’s start with sex workers. This would be someone who sleeps with people for money. A sex worker can be male or female. It is obviously safer to be a sex worker in a place where it is legal, because then regulations can be placed on the industry and STD tests conducted frequently.
I recently had a wonderful sex worker named Nell Gwyn do a guest post on this blog, and it was a brilliant explanation of why someone would choose to work in the sex industry, and how much fun it can be.
Nell acknowledges that some sex workers are coerced. However, legalizing this industry would allow us to shed light on who is doing the work, and make sure that all the people doing it are like Nell (willing and happy with their job.)
These people are doing a job they like, and I think most of the male spite for them comes from the fact that men can not easily get paid to have sex, and so they are very jealous.
But there is certainly another point to make here: It is not disgusting to have sex!
Why do some men hold on to this antiquated notion that sex is disgusting? And if a woman become “dirty” when she has sex with a man, then isn’t it obvious that we should be looking at HIM for making her “dirty” by touching her? Does this not imply that all men are foul creatures who put dirt on a woman by touching her?
That is ridiculous. Seriously, it’s nuts!
Sex is fun. People should have it because it is enjoyable and also good for your health. Many scientific studies have proven that people who have more sex live longer. I guess we already knew that before science studied it, because of Hugh Hefner. But seriously; it’s fun and it’s good for you. Why would anyone be against people having sex? What horrible prudes feel this way?
As I tried to explain to this person who was slut-shaming, he is only hurting himself. Men want to have sex with women. And yet, some men choose to call women awful names and treat them badly for having sex. This is obviously a case of them acting directly against their own interests. If you shame women for having sex and think they shouldn’t have it, then what will you and your fellow men have sex with, I wonder? Does this mean men should stop sleeping with women (since it makes them dirty and disgusting) and fuck goats instead? Is that somehow cleaner and better?
But if you are a man, and you do want to have sex with a women, then you are nothing short of stupid and wrong to shame women for having sex. It hurts your cause more than anything else you could do, and never have I seen a more clear example of someone acting against their own interests.
Then there’s the fact that this vanilla person does not even know what a sex worker actually is. It is someone who performs sex acts for money, as per the definition.
To explain all the ways a Dominatrix is not a sex worker, I have to start by telling you that a dungeon is a safe place for a BDSM couple to go learn more about the kink scene, and to play. Because a dungeon is a space that vanilla people do not understand, let me explain what happens in a dungeon.
A person who works there (which has been me at two different dungeons over 10 years) will show you around. We will explain the rules. In most dungeons it is fine to have sex, and it is fine to be nude. But you may not take out your phone or any device with a camera, touch anyone without permission, or interrupt anyone else’s “scene.”
When we say “safe, sane, and consensual” we really mean it.
After a couple is given the tour, they will be allowed to explore the various things the dungeon has to offer. These will be things like cages, sex swings, and BDSM furniture. It is typical for people to bring their own toys, because the sharing of bodily fluids is never encouraged. You also typically find wet wipes with alcohol around, so you can disinfect any furniture you use, just like wiping down a machine at the gym.
But a Dominatrix does more than just give tours. We also teach workshops on scene negotiation, BDSM for new folks, how to use toys like a violet wand or a flogger, and how to conduct an open relationship. I have done workshops on these and many other topics. During the workshops where I am teaching the use of a toy, I will generally have a submissive who acts as my demo bunny so people can actually see the toy in action. However if no one is available, I can of course demonstrate certain things on myself, like the girl above showing how a violet wand works.
A sex worker is different because they are not teaching someone how to act in a dungeon or how to use a flogger. They are actually engaging in sex acts for money. I do not think this is wrong, and I admire all the sex workers I know and have known (I met my first when I was 16. Her name was Julia and she was amazing!).
However, I do not personally participate in sex acts for money, because it is simply not something that falls within my personal comfort level. And that does not mean it is wrong! It simple means it’s not MY thing, much like blood play or a few other hard limits of mine.
So the person who claimed a Dominatrix is a sex worker and that sex workers are disgusting did so for several reasons. The main reason is, of course, ignorance of BDSM and what happens at a dungeon. But also there is an inherit bias in this thinking, involving the religious idea that sex is somehow wrong or dirty (which of course it is not) and that women are somehow made less by having sex (which of course they are not.) It is actually hard to be more wrong than he was, and I hope someday he realizes his vast mistakes in logic and in character.
Disclaimer: If you are religious, good for you. But in my experience that comes with a lot of baggage about sex. I have had to counsel a lot of people about their feelings of shame when it comes to sex, and personally I think it is horrible that people are taught to be ashamed of natural biological functions. So if you are religious, fine. But for the love of all that is logical and rational, don’t teach your kids to be ashamed of sex! Teach them how to be safe, and how to know when they are ready. But do not instill the same and disgust that these slut-shaming folks have had instilled in them. There is nothing more unnatural and wrong.
None of you know this about me because I try to keep my personal life out of my blog, but I worked for several years as a Journalist.
When I wrote an editorial in support of gay marriage, I received death threats and other “retribution” for expressing my point of view.
Journalism is more dangerous than people might think.
And it shouldn’t be. People like to claim that being offended gives them special rights and privileges. It does not. If you are offended by something, it is an internal problem that you need to deal with on your own. Making everyone else conform to your idea of what the world should be and what people should be allowed to say is wrong. Everyone should get to live their own life in their own way, as long as they are not hurting anyone else.
Due to the murder of the staff of Charlie Hebdo (for speaking out) I just wanted to remind everyone how important freedom of speech and of the press is.
With all of us kinky folks being persecuted and not being able to talk about how we really are in most of our jobs, I think freedom of expression is an important issue for all of us.
So share the above imagine that a newspaper staff died for. Share it on your Facebook or your blog or whatever. This effects everyone.
Recently someone who was fairly new to BDSM was chatting with me on fetlife.com. I mentioned that I was having some friends visit for Christmas-`a lesbian couple my husband and I knew in Korea.
He said it sounded like we’d be having some fun parties at my house at night- (implying that we were planning to have sex parties with our lesbian friends.)
The idea he was operating under was that everyone in the community just has sex with each other because he thinks that’s what kinky people do (in part I blame kink.com for this, with all of it’s orgy videos.)
So let me explain something I think is very important to understand about the kink community: Because I am interested in bondage does NOT mean I will have sex with everyone else who is.
As far as I know, our house guests are monogamous. Lots of kinky couples are. That is not unusual and there is nothing wrong with that. Also, being kinky does not somehow transcend sexual orientation. To imply that my husband will be having fun with lesbians is to not understand what a lesbian is. They like women. My husband is a man. Being kinky doesn’t change the fact that lesbians are attracted to women, and men are not women.
I regret that I have to rant about this. I regret that some people do not understand these concepts.
But for the record, being kinky does not mean you immediately jump on anyone else who is kinky. Monogamous kinky people are still monogamous. Lesbian kinky people still only sleep with women. How we like to have sex does not transcend everything else that we are. That’s not how this works.
Sorry, but I just had to get that out.
Also, and Merry Christmas or Happy Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate, and Happy Western New Year or Lunar New Year or whatever you like.
As I have mentioned before on my blog, I have an OKcupid profile. I have met some interesting people over the years through OKC, but it takes a lot of sifting through assholes to find them.
Recently a guy messaged me saying he was on Guam for work and asked if I wanted to hang out. He said he had read my profile and my blog, and that we had a lot of similar interests.
However, I already had stuff to do on both of the days he was in town, and I didn’t have time to go meet him.
As his messages got more and more desperate, he told me to blow off my husband, my friends, and my job interview. Obviously, I would not do any of those things. He was a jerk for asking.
But here’s the thing that really pissed me off: He admitted that he had a wife and kids and was in a monogamous relationship.
When I said I wasn’t cool with cheating, he said; “But you’re doing it too.”
*Sigh*
I am going to make this point again, because I guess I don’t say it enough on this blog: Being poly-amorous is not cheating. Unlike this asshole’s poor wife, my husband is not in the dark. I share conversations with him often with folks I talk to online, and when I go meet people I tell him about it.
We negotiated this as the way we want our relationship to be set up. Often, some new detail will come up and we will have to revisit some aspect of our relationship in light of new feelings (turns out I wasn’t okay with him sleeping with a former porn star because she was broke and car-less and expected me to drive them on a date and have him pay.)
See; we discuss the situations we find ourselves in and we decide what we’re okay with and what we’re not okay with. It’s okay for those things to change, but it isn’t okay to sneak around and lie.
Cheating is when you lie to your partner.
Every relationship has its own rules, and only the people in that relationship can decide what they should be. We have decided that it’s okay to sleep with other people. That is how our relationship is structured. And again, every single relationship is structured differently.
I once dated a married guy who said his wife was fine with sex outside the marriage, but he couldn’t stay the night. At various key parties or group events, there are sometimes folks with rules like “no kissing” or “no penetration.”
Everyone makes their own rules. I am not cheating on my husband by talking to various guys and girls online, because he knows and we feel that it’s okay. But the guy who wanted to sleep with me while he was in town was cheating, because he and his wife agreed on a monogamous relationship and he was lying and breaking the rules and her trust.
You can perhaps see the important distinction there that he could not?
I seriously considered taking a screen shot of the conversation and of his picture, and posting it on reddit or somewhere else, in hopes that his wife might find out. After all, I do not like to see innocent people lied to. If he tried to cheat with me, then I am sure he has cheated with other women and that is putting her life in danger. He could contract HIV or Syphilis and give it to her.
However, I don’t generally butt into the lives of others. So, I just quietly hoped that his wife would find out in some other way, because it’s unfair to her for him to behave the way he is.
My point is: don’t lie to people if you love them. Respect the boundaries you negotiate for your relationship. And, as I have said before, if you’re going to lie, don’t bring me into it.
Recently, one of my Portland pets asked me how he rated compare to other guys I had slept with. He said: “Tell me I am in the top 5 at least.”
I do not know if other people rank the people they sleep with. But I do not. I find the entire concept ridiculous. After all, variety is the spice of life and everyone fills different needs for me. In general I have trouble switching with the same person. I’m not good at going from the role of domme to the role of sub with a single individual. So for me, if a person is a good submissive then I appreciate them for that. And on rare occasions I find someone who can be a Dom for me, and when I do I enjoy that. And then you meet those amazing people who are really good at going down on girls and who can make you cum over and over. And those are great too, (sometimes even good enough for me to write about).
And of course I love sex with women a little more than sex with men, as I have always leaned in the female direction when it comes to attraction, so there’s that whole thing to consider too.
Anyway, it’s just an unfair question to ask someone how you rank in their little black book. It’s one of the many unfair questions that women get asked, along with questions from guys about if their penises are big enough. (What the hell are we supposed to say to that?!)
I really think it’s not fair to ask how you rate to another person when it comes to sex. And you shouldn’t have to anyway! If you have good chemistry and the sex is great, then you should both just know it without saying anything. If you have to ask, it probably didn’t shake the Earth for me.
So I tried to avoid the question about a million different ways before finally making some shit up. I don’t remember what I said, but it was some platitude about being in the top 20 or so. I think out of around 200 people, anyone should take that as a compliment, but of course he was hurt that he wasn’t THE BEST.
I couldn’t help but think that other people often try to get you to fix their insecurities for them. Little do they realize, no one can fix your insecurities but you.
So take some advice from a magically delicious super slut; never ask where you rank. Just don’t do it.
I recently had someone tell me that I should watch “Big Love” because I am Poly. Obviously I was insulted that my lifestyle was compared to the abusive relationships that some Mormons promote, but I agreed to “keep an open mind” and watch it anyway.
Big Love is about an oppressive system of control imposed by a faction of the Mormon religion. All of the Mormon religion teaches women to shut up and obey, and so I hate it in general. But in specific, those who follow the polygamy path are awful. They kick boys out of their homes when they are 14 or 15 because they don’t want them to get interested in the girls. And the girls they marry to old, misogynistic men who are often decades older than them.
So for the record, I am deeply offended by everything to do with this show, even before it was compared to my lifestyle.
There are so many differences between the kink style of poly love and the Mormon idea of it that I hardly know where to begin. I guess I should note that kids and religion are not necessary parts of the poly lifestyle for kinky folks. For me personally, I can not have children and I am not religious. Those things do not factor at all into my life, even a little. Also, when poly people choose to have children, they think it through, They’re not tying to overrun the earth with children of their religion. They’re not breeding for the sake of breeding. Poly couples do not think of children as tools in a war against Satan. They think of them as tiny people, because that is what they are.
The show is centered around religion, and they live their lifestyle because they believe in a god who wants them to have an unnecessary amount of children. I can’t tell you how horrible I find that. Those poor women!
Also, while the show is centered around the historical Mormon practice of a man having multiple wives, all the wives are expected to be monogamous with their one husband. Some kink couples may choose to have a poly/monogamous relationship. But it is a choice not a requirement, and it is the exception rather than the rule. Poly life usually means freedom for BOTH partners; not just the man.
(I did have one poly/monogamous relationship. He just didn’t seem to be able to find any other girl that would date him. Poor thing. But I wasn’t going to let that stop me from living MY life. It lasted nearly a decade and I think we were both happy, though he sometimes struggled to manage his jealousy.)
Anyway, if you’ve ever read Escape by Carolyn Jessop, you know that Polygamous compounds are full of unspeakable abuse. They make it look cute in the show, but it’s NOT. I am from Arizona and I have seen boys come through the shelter I volunteered at after being run off the compound in Colorado City. Not only were these boys uneducated and afraid, but they missed their families, who tossed them out like trash so they wouldn’t “steal” the young girls in the compound.
Meanwhile women are only dumped in the desert after they have had all the children they can. Often once they reach menopause a husband will decide they are useless and just drive them off the compound and leave them, forbidding them to come back or see their children. And because these folks give birth at home and don’t file birth certificates with the state, the women have no way to prove that they even have children, (nor any money to fight a court case.)
I actually can’t list all the ways that this show glorifies a horrible and abusive lifestyle. I can’t begin to describe my revulsion at the abuse in Colorado City and other Mormon Compounds in Mexico, the USA, and Canada. But I must insist that being a Mormon Polygamist is NOTHING like my lifestyle at all.
In the kink community, we are all equal. We all deserve respect. And I think none of us would support the lifestyle depicted in “Big Love” for the same reason we don’t support the relationship described in “50 Shades of Grey;” because we don’t tolerate abuse. Our object is to be open-minded, not closed-minded. And I think that is a worthy goal for anyone, kinky or not.
Facebook recently decided that everyone should have to use their “real name” on their web site. I can’t tell you how mad this made me.
When I first entered the kink scene nearly two decades ago, I was named “Lady Violet” for my Dominant nature and my purple eye shadow. I have continued using the name Violet in most instances in the kink scene.
This is due to the nature of jobs I have held where being kinky would be considered a scandal, as well as the job my husband holds which has strict rules about conduct in and outside the workplace.
Obviously, there are a great many people who have jobs that would be difficult to do under their real name. Fear of stalkers, being fired from jobs, and other concerns make adopting a “scene name” a no-brainier for a lot of people from a lot of different walks of life.
I have been asked how one chooses a “scene name,” and that is something I have precious little advice on. I legally changed my real name when I was old enough to do so (for a myriad of personal reasons) and I think that naming yourself is the hardest thing a person can do. Perhaps without realizing it, I think we are all influenced by the names that we were given. Choosing a new name is like trying to re-invent yourself. It’s not easy for everyone.
The only guidance I can offer is to pick a name that you are sure you like, because it’s very hard to change your name more than once. You have to learn to respond to something completely new, and to become accustomed to people knowing you by that name.
I know it can seem silly if you have a job that wouldn’t be damaged by knowledge of your bedroom preferences getting out. I know some people are comfortable using their real names and do not feel threatened by anyone knowing their “real identity.” They “come out” as kinky to friends, family, and co-workers. And that is totally okay too! If you prefer to use your real name, then I am proud of you for not being afraid of the consequences.
However I do highly recommend that in particular anyone who performs in the community give consideration to using a name other than the one on their birth certificates.
For me, I was happy to adopt the name Violet, and I am glad that it is passable as a real name so that it can be used on Facebook and other social media sites. I even feel like it helps me switch from “real life” to the kink mentality when I go from one name to the other. I think it helps me to get into character.
So if you are new to the scene and you are still telling people your real name, I guess I hope you’ll consider this food for thought. Obviously it is up to every person to consider what their own comfort level is, but I know that I have been happier using a scene name and writing under a pen name, and I think that there are good reasons to think about doing it when you get involved with kink.
(Note: I should disclose that I am on some antibiotics that are making me feel pretty bad right now. So if I sound meaner than usual, I guess that’s why.)
I’ve mentioned already how I am currently living on the island of Guam, and how there is a distinct lack of kinky folks here. So as a result, I’ve been talking to some vanilla people.
Now, I know that some vanilla folks are curious and might want to try kink stuff, so I don’t dismiss them out-of-hand. You never know what someone might want to try, and people can surprise you.
However, I do state on all my online dating profiles that I AM kinky, and that I am looking for a kinky partner. Ergo, it would seem to me that it’s obvious enough that I am not looking for someone who wants to have the kind of sex that will bore me. (And I know not all kinky folks are bored by vanilla sex, but without some sort of power dynamic, I can’t seem to get aroused.)
So I bring it up with the vanilla folks who flirt with me. I ask if there is anything they are curious about, or if they have any legitimate interest in kinky sex. And thus far, they have seemed not only disinterested, but frightened.
So I suggest looking up fetish lists or kink worksheets online. I suggest reading up on BDSM to see if they might have interests they are as of yet unaware of.
Thus far, my experience has been that vanilla people are judgmental of my lifestyle and afraid of what it might entail.
In addition to being judgmental and frightened, a lot of them just kind of bum me out. Here are a few things I have actually had said to me by more than one person:
“Well, there’s about 10 guys to every woman on island, so it’s impossible to get laid here.”
(Let’s talk about how it is not my responsibility to “get you laid.” Your insecurity over not usually being the one guy out of ten that a girl will pick makes you sound unattractive to say the least.)
“I mean, she gave me a blowjob so I guess it was worth going out with her. But then she wanted me to go down on her and I was like NO.”
(You are literally telling me up front that you are a selfish lover and I will get no pleasure from sleeping with you.)
“I dunno, I mean, I’ll try everything once; but I’m not really into all that weird stuff.”
(You are implying a judgement of my lifestyle while yet again making yourself sound awful in bed.)
I can’t figure out how guys think that saying things like this to me will make me want them. First, if you’re a guy who expects blowjobs but won’t go down on a girl, then you suck. A lot. And no girl will want you. I don’t agree with all the things they say (because every girl is different and I don’t like what they like in bed) but I think Tammy and Nicole make a great point in their piece “How To Eat Pussy;”
“When a woman finds a man who gives good head, she’s found a treasure she’s not going to let go of too quickly. This is one rare customer and she knows it. She won’t even tell her girlfriends about it or that guy will become the most popular man in town.”
So look vanilla guys, bragging about how you don’t give head is just sad. I expect oral sex. And I expect a lot more on top of that.
What I imagine when a vanilla guy tells me that he doesn’t even go down on girls is sex like I had when I was 13. Awkward, devoid of orgasm (again people, as Mary Roach writes about in the non-fiction science book Bonk: MOST WOMEN CAN NOT HAVE VAGINAL ORGASMS,) and boring. I’m expecting that you will probably want to kiss a lot (not one of my favorite things), then maybe play with my nipples or something, and then have penetrative sex until YOU get off, while I lay there bored and unfulfilled.
So why would I want that?
Well the answer is that I don’t. I really, really don’t. I could have more fun staying home and watching Porn.
So please guys, if you are vanilla, don’t bother to write to me thinking that I’m going to save you from your sexless life on Guam and give you a pity fuck. I am a slut, but that doesn’t mean I am the slightest bit interested in bad sex. I call myself a slut because I LOVE sex. I enjoy it, and I seek it out often. I like sex clubs like The Velvet Rope, Club Desire, and Club Sesso. I like new and different ways of playing, like the toys invented by Doctor Xtreme.
If you want to impress me, then why don’t you learn a little about kink before you talk to me, and then list specific things you are interested in? As I have said, there are loads of lists online. I recommend the CEPE printable list because it’s comprehensive. But you can look through anything kink-related you like to get ideas.
The key thing to remember is that there is always a power dynamic in the background, and that is what makes kink so exciting. It’s as much in your head as it is outside of your head with whips and chains. And it’s fair to say that if you’re not into it at all, then you probably never will be.
So in spite of your apparent lack of options, I still recommend you find someone else. I know that sounds harsh and I’m sorry, but I’m not having sex with someone just because they’re desperate. I want to have sex I can enjoy too. And I’m not going to compromise my desires for you.
magicallydelicioussuperslut 
