Fanstasies are Just That

November 3, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I have heard a lot of questions about rape victims and certain types of play. Some people in the BDSM community seem to want a uniform answer to what is okay, and what is not okay. And that isn’t possible.

The answer is always that what you are comfortable with is what is okay. No more, and no less.

I’m not just saying this as someone with experience in the community. I’m saying this as a rape victim. For me; I was able to divorce the feelings I had to my traumatic experience from feelings to do with play. But not everyone can.

Either way, you are not wrong.

If you want to play a rape fantasy and you have been raped, then it might be your way of dealing with it. Or it might have nothing to do with it and be completely separate in your head. If you have been raped and you do NOT want to play rape fantasies, that is okay too. It might be that it reminds you too much of what happened to you. It might just be an upsetting concept to you regardless of what has happened to you. All those feelings are valid.

Women who have not been raped and want to play this kind of fantasy often feel guilty, like it means they actually want to be raped. Obviously it does not. Consenting to a fantasy is very different than a non-consensual attack.

How ever you feel about certain fantasies you have or certain kinds of play, it’s alright.

This is similar to how men sometimes think that if they want to be pegged, it means they are gay. Wanting to be get fucked in the ass makes sense for men, because the prostate is a huge pleasure center and that is where it is located. It doesn’t make you gay any more than wanting to play a rape fantasy means a woman wants to get raped. When we have fantasies about certain types of play, it doesn’t have to have a deeper meaning.

(*And if it does have a deeper meaning, that is okay too. Some people use play to work through issues they have, and that is fine as long as your partner can be understanding and supportive.)

Also, let me explain something important because /r/theredpill and other “men’s rights” groups that advocate force exist : Rape is a horrible crime. It takes away a woman’s power, her self-respect, and her sense of control over her own body. To be helpless and violated against your will is the worst thing you can do to a person. There his nothing okay about it. So remember that we are talking about FANTASIES and not anything real.

It is never okay to drug a woman, pressure her to get drunk, or do anything else so that you can take advantage of her once she is unconscious. It is never okay to force a woman into anything. No means no.

In some states there are laws being talked about to say that instead of “no means no” we should be talking about “yes means yes.” I agree with that. If you ask someone if they want to have sex and they don’t answer with yes, then you should not have sex with them. Woman sometimes freeze up when they have been taught to be passive and not to argue (many religions teach this behavior to women.) They might be terrified to say no, but would never say yes because they don’t want to. Respect that.

In fact, I make people I sleep with sign consent forms. These forms contain information about what methods we agreed on to prevent pregnancy and STDs, as well as what we agree to do. I think if more people used consent forms, the world would be a better place.

Remember that with fantasies, if you are comfortable, then it is okay. And guys who struggle with this; trust your lovers. If they say it is okay, then it is okay. Trust your partner to know their limits.

Sometimes you think you’re okay with something and then it turns out that you are not. That is okay too. It’s okay to test yourself, and it’s okay to find out you can’t handle things that you thought you could. Everyone is different, and everyone has different experiences. There are no rules here. There are no easy answers.

I also want to point out that trauma can present itself in funny ways. For me, the thing I draw the line at is opening my eyes during sex. I just can’t do it. It’s not like I haven’t tried to give it a shot with people I loved. But it’s too upsetting and I can’t handle it because my rapist made me look him in the eyes. For me there is a connection there that I can’t shake.

The people I have played with have often found this odd. One person was kind of mean about it; saying it meant that I didn’t trust him. That was very rude of him, and he shouldn’t have been so disrespectful of a hard limit that I can’t change for anyone.

There is no kind of play that is inherently wrong. As an exmaple, rape fantasies are common and it isn’t sinister to have one.

If you have discussed it, and you’re both okay with it, then try whatever feels right to you. It’s okay if some things are comfortable for you and some are not. The mind is a complicated place, and no one but you can judge your fantasies or your desires. Let yourself experience the things you want, and let those experiences help you on your way to understanding yourself.

While we’re sort of on the subject, I just want to make one other point. There are a lot of people who make jokes about rape. And I just want you to know that IT’S NOT FUNNY. It’s not okay to joke about it. It’s not okay to make light of anyone else’s trauma.

Do not tell a woman that she should “get over it” Do not try to set a time limit on mental damage, and say “well it’s been more than a decade, so how could it still bother you?”

Time does not heal all wounds. Things I don’t talk about or think about much still effect my behavior today, and that is okay. We can only see the world through the filter of our perspective, and we are all shaped by the things that happen to us. If bad things happen to you, it does not make you weak if you can’t forget them or change the effects they had on you. We are all shaped by our experiences. And that is okay.

This is NOT funny

How to Make a Woman Feel Attractive

October 20, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

In a recent discussion with a friend, he said “I know she’s crazy, but the crazy ones are the best in bed.”

And I said that if he felt that way, he wasn’t doing it right.

I couldn’t explain properly at the time (it was after a few drinks). So I’m going to try to explain now.

Let me start by saying that I have done things for some guys that I could never have done for others. Every relationship has it’s own chemistry and it’s own dynamic. But in general, it is much easier to be kinky and fun with someone who makes you feel sexy.

So how do you make a girl feel sexy?

Well, I suppose there is a certain amount of accounting for individual personality that is required. And I understand that. But remember that I am always speaking in general, and I know there are exceptions to everything I say.

With that said, some guys are nervous or shy. They aren’t able to be shamelessly attracted to a girl and to express that in a way that she can see. That is fair. If you’re shy, just do your best. If it means writing sexy e-mails or poetry or whatever it takes, then do what you have to do to make your female partner feel as desired as you can.

Some guys just aren’t that into the girls they are sleeping with. They may think their partner is fine to have sex with in the dark, but would get no delight from seeing them in lingerie because they are overweight or proportioned in a way that seems unattractive. And if THAT is your problem, then maybe you should be with someone else. Or, learn to find the person you’re with attractive. Because if YOU don’t think she’s attractive, then she’s not going to feel attractive.

I use a lot of different things to show and to tell a girl that she is perfect and gorgeous and fun. I make sure that I tell them every single day that I think they are beautiful and sexy. I make a point of stroking their hair, touching them every chance I get, and constantly complimenting them. I find the features I like the most and point them out often. So perhaps she has beautiful eyes the color of a stormy sea. Perhaps she has adorable little freckles. Maybe she has a really great butt. But whatever I can find to love, I passionately love those things and express my love for them often.

(Note: No amount of flattery is too much. You literally can’t go overboard with this.)

I also plant suggestions. Perhaps I love the way they dance, and so I tell them that often, and then playfully slip in the idea of a strip tease someday. Or maybe I think they would look great in something silk and slinky, so I buy something for them and encourage them to wear it. Maybe I buy some sexy shoes, and tell them how great they look and ask that they keep them on when we play. Or perhaps a shade of red lipstick that I buy, so they can wear it on sexy nights out.

Women will act a lot more outgoing and do a lot more with someone who makes them feel wanted and attractive, and because of this, it should always be your goal to make that happen.

I know that for myself, I had some body issues after I had cancer. And some people made me feel worse about them. And with those people, I found it necessary to blindfold them or have the lights off when we played. As a Domme, I need to have confidence. And I can’t have that with someone who makes me feel unattractive.

Then some boys would just embrace me exactly as I was. They would kiss every inch of me, and note every scar with care. I remember the first time someone kissed the scar on my side, and told me that I was all the more beautiful because of the things that I had survived. It made me feel sexy, and also appreciated. And that helped me to be more exciting for them than I am for most people.

I know it’s true for me, and I’ve seen it be true for other girls. The more sexy you feel, the crazier you can be in bed. I did a strip tease for my tattoo artist once because he made me feel beautiful. He said that no one on Earth was more beautiful to him, inside or out. And he constantly made me feel sexy enough that I could do things like strip slowly and wiggle my body like I was still a teenager without scars or stretch marks or any of the imperfections we collect on our way through life.

My point is; you don’t need to date a girl with issues to have fun in bed. That’s a silly thing to think, and it’s a stereotype that has always frustrated me. All you need to do is show a girl that they’re on your mind, and appreciated in your bed.

For a boy who constantly made me feel like a sex goddess, I broke several soft limits and did things I’ve never done with anyone else, including making videos of us having sex, some water sports, and even letting him suck on my toes (I’m usually pretty self-conscious of my enormous feet.) For him I would be happy to be on top, always thrilled to give blowjobs, and in general try anything suggested at least once. And it was FUN. I loved feeling that way. I loved having my scars kissed, and my shape appreciated, and my flaws adored. For him I was the quintessential freak in bed.

I can’t be like that for everyone. Some people just don’t make me feel sexy. And so I blindfold them and I have some fun, but I don’t go out of my comfort zone. I don’t branch out, experiment, or take risks. I don’t dress in cute lingerie for people who don’t make me feel like they want to see me naked.

So yes, it is true that crazy girls have less inhibitions. But perfectly sane girls shed inhibitions easily if given the proper motivation. With that in mind, make sure your partner knows how much you adore them, and then I promise you, you’ll have awesome sex.

Hitting on a Girl

October 2, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

This is something I have discussed before. But since it keeps being a problem, I guess we’re going to keep discussing it.

So here we go again: Tips for talking to a girl for the first time.

More and more relationships are started online. And I personally use fetlife.com and okcupid.com to meet people.

But here’s the problem: A lot of people think a good pick-up line is “Do you want to swallow my cum?”

First: very few girls have that fetish. Most of them find it lumpy and gross. Sure, some girls find it a real turn-on. But it’s less than half so maybe play the odds on this one?

Second: talking to girls isn’t hard. You treat them like people and show them respect. It’s that simple. Sub, Domme, or even a vanilla girl. All women deserve respect. So speak to them like they are human beings.

Let’s talk about pornography. If you sit at home all day and watch it, you might get the impression that all girls are just sitting around waiting to be gang-banged by complete strangers.

But let’s say you talk to a real girl. Not a paid actress. But a real live girl. You don’t want to talk to her like one of the porn stars you jack off to.

Here’s another real actual line I got from a guy: “I just want to show up at a girl’s house and have her be in panties and we just fuck.”

Okay. I have seen that porn.

However, responsible people get STD tests before engaging in sexual escapes with strangers. Why? Well, because condoms are not 100% effective against things like Herpes, and I don’t want to have Herpes.

Now then, another point: Yes, I am a Magically Delicious Super Slut.

However, that does not mean I have sex with everyone I meet. It means I enjoy sex, and I have interesting sex. It’s kinky and it’s exciting and it’s inventive. But it doesn’t mean I just fuck random people who’ve said hi to me online. I do have standards, just like anyone else.

The more you have sex with someone, the better it should get. You get to know one another and what each other likes and that helps. So I like to have relationships rather than one-night stands. That means I tend to choose people worth having a conversation with. If we’re going to lay in bed catching our breaths, it would be nice if we have something to say to one another.

So think it through. Don’t open with crass and obnoxious things like: “I want you to suck my balls.”

What that makes you look like is a woman-hating twerp with no respect for the person you are talking to, as well as someone who is sexually frustrated and poorly endowed. It makes it look like you’re taking your issues out on random people because you fail at relationships.

So what DO you say to a girl?

Well, here’s an obvious one. Read her profile and bring up something from it. For example, “I see you like Firefly. Long live the brown coats!”

If nothing on her profile makes any sense to you, then the chances are you won’t get along. Maybe don’t start a conversation with her, even if she is hot.

Also, it never hurts to start with: “Hi. You seem interesting. Would you like to talk, or maybe get coffee some time?”

I know it sounds crazy, but it works. It shows respect. It shows you recognize that the women you’re talking to is a person, and that you are not objectifying her. And when you treat people with respect and decency, you might actually get a positive response. Imagine that!

Now, I would give tips for meeting people in person, but honestly, I hate doing that. When you bump into a random stranger as a poly Dominatrix, you’re not likely to have anything in common with them. And it can take a very long time to explain that being poly doesn’t mean I’m cheating on my husband, or that I am unhappy in my relationship. And explaining kink to a vanilla person does not always go well.

But if you do meet someone you think you might like in person, maybe keep the same things in mind? Respect. Kindness. Etc…

It’s just basic stuff really, but inevitably I run into people who don’t know it. So hopefully this helped some of those people who may wonder why I didn’t write them back.

STD Testing

August 15, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Pictured is the numbers I got (because they do it by number, not by name) and the information they will give you to get your results.

No real post this week. Just this very important PSA:

A lot of people like to claim the moral high ground. They say things like: “My ex wife cheated but I was always faithful.”

And it’s all well and good to think that someone is a nice, principled individual and that they are probably telling the truth. Maybe they seem honest and trustworthy.

But I don’t care. Get tested anyway. Every time you find a new partner, trade STD tests.

In preparation to see my husband, I went off to the Multnomah Free Clinic for STD tests. It was sort of a pain since they don’t do Herpes and I had to go to a separate clinic down the block for that. It was $20 for the bulk of the tests, and another $39 for the Herpes test. Yes, that is expensive to someone who doesn’t make much and I understand when people make that argument. But as I have said before, condoms aren’t 100% effective (in fact they are far less effective against some diseases) and responsible people get tested.

Please be a responsible person.

If you Google “Free STD testing” you can usually find a clinic in your area. And while it can be kind of a pain, it is well worth it for the piece of mind.

New Sex Toy!

July 25, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

A friend of mine quit his perfectly good job as an experimental particle physicist to make sex toys. When he quit, the university was somewhat surprised. Scientists do not often walk away from a research grant. But he had a dream.

So he adopted the title “Doctor Extreme” (a reference to his real-life PHD, and what he is using it for all rolled in one) and began making sex toys.

The first invention was called the X-1, and it used a different kind of vibration technology than what had been used in the past. I wrote about it when it came out. But now he’s taken it up a notch with the Ambrosia Vibe, a dildo that is sensitive to touch, and connected to a vibrator. It’s best if you see it.

It has all kinds of applications, but as someone who often pegs my pet, I like how the vibrator can fit into the dildo to rest up against a girl’s lady parts while she’s fucking someone with the dildo. I think that could be a neat feeling, and I’d like to try it.

Anyway, the Indigogo campaign is doing well and you should contribute if you can, because it will help a real scientist look into really awesome ways for girls to get pleasure from sex, and that is something that makes me really excited.

As you know from many of my previous posts, women do not usually have vaginal orgasms. That means you can pound away all you want, and we’re not going to have much fun. But with science, new possibilities of enjoyment and fun are on the horizon, and I’m excited to see what Doctor Xtreme does not only with the Ambrosia Vibe, but with all his future inventions as well.

Things You May Not Know

July 2, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

A recent reddit thread upset me to no end, and I want to talk about that.

It was a thread about Herpes, so naturally, most of the people in the thread had HSV-1 or HSV-2.

As such, they all talked about it with this completely cavalier attitude. “It’s no big deal,” one random idiot said to me. “It’s only made to sound like a big deal because drug companies want to make money off of treatments.”

Wrong.

I am going to set the record straight for all the people in that thread right the hell now: If you have ANY kind of STD at all it really, really IS a big deal. And if you knowingly spread it to other people because “It’s just a rash, so who cares?” then you should be locked away for the rest of your goddamn life.

Lots of people in this thread confessed that they did not tell sexual partners about their infection, even though they knew there was a 70% chance of passing the virus to their partner even while using a condom.

I have said before that it only takes one cell for an STD to be passed from carrier to new host. I have said that condoms aren’t enough, and that you need to have clean STD tests going back 6 months. (By which I mean, one from right then, and one from 6 months back.) I have again and again cautioned that STDs are spread by skin to skin contact, and a condom does not prevent some guys balls from touching your ass and giving you a rash you’ll have for the rest of your life.

And I am pleading with all of you; take this seriously.

*NSFW*

(And I’m going to show you some very graphic images so you might take this more seriously.)

Obviously, what I want is for everyone to get tested often.

I do.

And I think every single responsible adult should. Because if you end up with an STD that can not be treated, then you need to stop having sex with people that don’t have that STD. Seriously. And I don’t care how much that sucks for you.

I knew a girl when I was living in South Korea who had HSV-2. (That means she had genital herpes.) And she would often take guys home from the bar and have sex with them. She justified this with excuses like “Well I was drunk” or “We used a condom” or “I’m not having an outbreak right now.”

I want to dispel all those myths right now:

1. I don’t care how drunk you are. If you have an incurable disease there is no fucking excuse for spreading it.

2. Condoms are only 30% effective in preventing the spread of Herpes between partners. Ergo, that still isn’t okay.

3. The virus “sheds” even when you are not having an outbreak and so YES you can absolutely pass it on when you don’t have sores.

4. And, because I hear this one a lot too, NO it does not matter if you are taking medicine to help prevent you from having outbreaks. You are still contagious. You are always contagious. Period. We have no way to prevent the spread of Herpes.

I am not saying you can never ever have sex again. Far from it. You CAN have sex with the millions of other people who are already infected, just like you. There are loads of special dating sites just for people who are HIV positive and HSV positive.

But the sheer amount of infected people on reddit who told me the disease was “no big deal” and that they’re fine with spreading it made me furious.

Look, I want you all to take a moment and consider this amazing fact:

STDs could die out in one generation if we stopped spreading them.

Think about that. I mean really think about it. Sure, 10,000 years ago there was no way to kill off an STD. No one could get tested, and loads of people can just be carriers and never actually have symptoms. So all those people spreading STDs couldn’t really prevent it the way we can now.

See now, you can get tested. And if you find out you have something, you can choose to be a responsible adult and not have sex with people who don’t have it. You can choose to not spread it. And if everyone does this, STDs will not get passed on. The viruses will die out. And we’ll make a way better world for everyone.

Now, I ask for STD tests before sex. I do this to spite the fact that I mostly go for innocent-type folks who haven’t slept around. I do this even if I trust them. And I get a lot of negative reactions. People can be downright mean.

“This means you don’t trust me.”

“Do you have any idea how hard it is for me to get an STD test?”

“Why should I have to prove I don’t have an STD if we use condoms?”

Etc… etc…

And society is on the side of these folks. That’s why I know preppies who actually brag that they have never been tested, because they’re happier not knowing if they have something. No one wants to talk about STDs. Even my fucking doctor last time I went for a test was a dick about it.

“Well,” he said, “why do you want the test? I mean, what have you been doing? Anyway the HSV tests are expensive and you should only get them if you think you have been exposed.”

Fuck you doctor. And fuck you people who don’t get tested. And fuck everyone on reddit who knows they have HSV 1 or 2 and thinks it’s “no big deal.”

If I sound angry, it’s because I am. We’re talking about the wanton spread of disease. We’re talking about people who don’t care that they’re infecting others. And that is NOT okay. I don’t care what rationalizations you use. It’s just not okay.

Fun things I learned from the reddit thread (for those too lazy to read through it.)

1. You can get Herpes anywhere. It’s most commonly on the mouth or genitalia, but you can get it on your forehead if you’re a wrestler who ends up with your sweaty head against some guys sweaty balls (yes, this happened to a guy.)

2. A huge portion of new cases on genitalia are actually HSV-1, and are obtained when a person with a cold sore performs oral sex on someone.

3. Viral researchers think Herpes is 100,000 years old.

So those were neat things to learn.

Now: One last thing. I want to talk about how I would solve this issue. I think the system that porn stars use is great. Mandatory tests every six months. And when you test positive your name is EVERYWHERE so everyone knows.

No one talks about STDs. They get really uncomfortable if you even bring it up (and this includes my doctors.) But there is no reason for this. If we taught kids the truth about STDs, and if we would all be more mature about talking about them, then we could actually eradicate these diseases. And that would be awesome.

For A Vanilla Friend

June 10, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

A friend of mine whom I have always considered vanilla got sushi with me a few weeks ago. She expressed interested in whips and chains and things. And I was surprised. I know some kink folks go around assuming that vanilla people WOULD be kinky if they were a little more gutsy or a little less sheltered. But I have never thought that. I know quite a few people who tried kinky stuff just to see how they felt about it, and decided it wasn’t for them. Ergo, I never presume to know what someone is like inside their own head.

But this friend of mine asked about a few things, and I thought I would do a basic overview of each of them.

First, responsible sex.

I have written about this topic before when discussing poly relationships, but I think a quick summary here would be beneficial. My friend expressed horror about getting STD tests from people. But as I have said before, one little cell can ruin your life and skin to skin contact can transfer cells; condoms or no. If you’re interested in being poly, understand that getting an STD can ruin the lives of a lot of people, and learn to take this seriously and not to be afraid of it.

Yes, vanilla people often avoid openly talking about this kind of thing. Yes, some of them see it as a lack of trust when you simply want to use a condom, never mind trading paperwork. But if you get into the kink community then people expect this, so don’t be shy about asking!

Second, where to go.

I have found that the best way to find kinky folks where you live these days is to go to a fetlife.com munch. I know us kinky folks have our issues with fetlife from time to time. But let’s be honest, before that web site came along, finding freaks in your town involved walking up to scary people and asking them in person. I did that back in the early 90’s when I moved to L.A. and I am sure it wasn’t safe.

So make a profile (dear god don’t use your real name!) and find a munch near you. Choose one in a public place where the dress code is listed as “vanilla.” Then just go and talk to people. Most munches will include folks who can tell you where the dungeons are and the good clubs to hang out at.

Third, what to do.

It’s not like you have to jump in with both feet. If you’re nervous about getting started, just keep dating vanilla people, but ask them if they ever thought about trying kinky things. Practicing with another person who is mostly vanilla can be fun and harmless. Get one of those silly kinky “starter kits” they sell these days as sex shops (due to the popularity of a certain series of shit books) and try things out. You don’t need to be part of the community to be kinky. It can be nice to have the support, but if it’s too overwhelming at first, then don’t do it. You should never do anything that makes you unhappy or uncomfortable.

And remember the BDSM mantra: Safe, sane, and consensual!

Intro to Poly Life

February 22, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I’m in a few relationships right now, and because some of them are fairly new, I’m going to write a post about polyamory. Now please note that I am not saying the rules are the same for everyone. I’m just saying that this is how I do things, and I think these rules work well for me.

First: The most important thing to remember about the poly lifestyle is that STDs are a big deal. To explore this in greater detail, let’s think about how many people are directly effected by one partner getting an STD.

I am currently sleeping with my husband, as well as a man we’ll call Mr. Greyson, and a man we’ll call Mr. Slick. So on the first tier, all of those people are directly effected. (That’s 3 people.)

Now my husband is sleeping with two other girls. So if I get an STD, those other girls will have a problem as well. Mr. Greyson is also sleeping with two other girls. and so they are also effected. And Mr. Slick is dating two girls besides me as well, bringing the grand total of the second tier of people effected to six (adding first tier people this is a total of 9 so far).

AND if the girlfriends of my husband, Mr. Greyson, and Mr. Slick are sleeping with other people (and they likely are) then the effects spread even farther.

It can get confusing enough to need a white board…

Now let’s talk about how STDs spread, for those who are unaware.

An STD (or sexually transmitted disease) is a virus or bacteria that lives in your penis or vagina, and depending on the STD, also in your blood. (This is why for a full panel of STD tests they take both a swab and a few vials of blood.) Keep in mind that these viruses and bacteria are capable of being spread through a single cell. Just one cell getting from a sexual partner onto you can infect you. So even if you wear a condom, the skin to skin contact from more vigorous sex can certainly spread an STD from one person to the other. Not to mention that any oral sex can spread cells from one person to another as well. STDs are very contagious, and thinking “if I wear condoms everything will be okay” is crazy talk.

Now, another important thing to note is that many STDs are completely symptom-free. So if you have HPV or Clymidia (for example) you will not know it. You won’t have a rash, or strange smells, or any discharge. Many STDs present with no symptoms at all, and you can spread them even if you don’t know you have them.

So how do you keep from giving something to your partners, who will pass it on to their partners?

The very best way to handle this is simple: Every single time you add a new partner, you must require an STD test from them (and provide them one in return). Many places offer cheap testing based on your income, and colleges often have partnerships with health organizations to offer free testing a few times a year. You can go see your regular doctor as well, but I understand that some people are too shy to ask their family doctor for STD tests, and I respect shyness to a point (just go get tested somewhere else!!!)

It’s also necessary to have a honest and frank discussion with each partner, explaining that when they add a new partner, they need to require paperwork too. And if they refuse, then however attractive and awesome they may be, you have to go and find someone else who can handle a mature poly relationship. Because when you take risks on untested people who refuse to provide documentation that they are STD-free, you are risking a lot more than just yourself.

Just one tiny cell can ruin your entire life, and the lives of the people you love…

Thankfully, most STDs are treatable. A simple course of antibiotics will fix the problem, and then you’re free to go back to a slutty lifestyle.

Remember that trust is important, and that sometimes you place your trust in people that don’t deserve it. I have a friend who did that, and I am sad for her because she is now living with Herpes. There is no cure, and it has ruined her sex life and her hopes of settling down and having a husband and kids.

*This is because she’d have to find a partner that also had it, and that she liked enough- a very tiny intersection of a large ven diagram.

Every time I think that I’d like to just take a guy or girl home from the bar and have wild sex with them, I remember her and I know it’s not worth the risk.

Anyway, sorry for that. I know talk of STDs is heavy and no one ever wants to talk about it. I make folks uncomfortable all the time by forcing the issue, and I know that sometimes they wish I wouldn’t.

Alice’s chart, from “The L Word”

Second: Jealousy is a thing.

Look; I know a lot of people in poly relationships like to act like they are above jealousy. They pretend that they don’t care at all about who their partners sleep with. But there will always be little stabs of jealousy that crop up from time to time, because that is how humans work.

There is no easy cure for this problem. I can’t give you some quick-fix advice for how to avoid being jealous. But I can share with you the way I like to look at my partners other partners, and maybe that will help just a little.

So when I sleep with someone I bond with them to some extent, because oxytocin (a bonding hormone released during sex) is a powerful thing. And you can assume that bonding with someone means caring at least a little bit about their well-being. So I like to look at things from their point of view.

Let’s take the example of Mr. Greyson, who I have been seeing for a few months now. Prior to dating me, he had been single for 3 years following a somewhat painful divorce. So, when he tells me about a girl he met or someone that he plans to sleep with or has slept with, I am proud of him for being gutsy enough to put himself out there are take risks again. I am happy for him, because each new person he adds to his life helps him build up his confidence and self-worth. When I look at it this way, how could I be jealous? I am happy that he is happy, and that tends to drown out any other emotions.

Every situation is different and every bond is different. No two relationships are ever the same. So obviously the bond I have with Mr. Greyson is different than with other people I am seeing. But in each relationship, I can look at things from the other person’s point of view and find reasons to be happy because they are happy. So, that usually makes the jealousy melt away.

If you do end up feeling jealous, take some time to think about why.

One of my husband’s girlfriends bothered me and I wasn’t sure why at first. But over time I came to realize that it was because she wished he was married to her, and she wanted me out of the picture. Because of this, I found myself uncomfortable with the relationship, and my husband ended things with her.

Talk to your partners about feelings that you have and be open and honest. It is the only way to solve your problems and to make sure everyone is happy.

Yes, you should use whatever term you want to describe it.

Third: Logistics are a bitch, and that is never going to change.

I hate Valentine’s day. I hate it so much that I really have no words to describe my utter loathing for this stupid fucking holiday.

Do I spend Valentine’s day with my husband? Do I spend it with whatever partner is most emotionally needy? If I want to spend it with one partner, but they want to spend it with someone else, am I allowed to feel hurt about that?

I usually solve this problem by spending it at work, or by myself. I just give up.

But there’s a lot more to logistics than who you should spend holidays with. For example: Do I want my partners to meet each other? Would they react well to one another? What happens if they don’t like each other? Or what happens if they REALLY like each other and they both forget about me all the time and hang with each other instead?

Everyone tackles the problem of logistics differently, and they should because everyone feels differently about this issue. I can tell you that for me personally, I find it easiest to keep things as separate as possible. This is mostly because I am seeing people both 10 years younger than me and 10 years older than me, and I think 20-year ago gaps can make things a little weird.

I also am seeing people who are pretty new to the poly lifestyle, and I am afraid they would start trying to compare one another. I don’t need my 21-year-old boy feeling insecure because my 42-year-old lover might know more about sex than him, nor do I want my 42-year-old lover feeling insecure because my 21-year-old boy-toy has a better body. And I don’t want any of them comparing penis size because that would make me break out in hives! YOU guys know how much I hate guys who measure their worth by the size of their cock.

In the past, with a different set of people, I did introduce one to the other. And they all became friends and never fought over my time because they liked each other and wanted to share. Sometimes this can lead to wonderful friendships and amazing leather families forming. Love can multiply so much between two people, and it seems it can multiply an order of magnitude more between three and an order of magnitude more between four.

I guess the moral of the story is to take it one day at a time, and be willing to accept change and evolution of relationships over time.

These are just some of the key points. Obviously I could write a book about the poly lifestyle because, for those who are new to it, there is an overwhelming amount of information to process. It is a whole new way of seeing relationships and of seeing the world. But for now, I feel this blog entry is long enough. So, I’ll leave you with one final thought on the lifestyle:

Poly relationships require a great deal of responsibility. You are responsible for the health and love of many people, and it is important to realize what kind of a commitment that is. The lifestyle is not for everyone, and it’s okay if you try it and realize it’s not for you. Lots of people feel safer and happier in a monogamous relationship, and I will never judge them for that.

Until next time, be safe and happy all you crazy kids!

Poly pride!

The Velvet Rope

January 6, 2014 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Last week, I went to The Velvet Rope, a sex club at 3533 SE Ceaser Chavez Blvd in Portland. First, I will give it props for being easy to find. They have a nice size sign and a decent -size parking lot. (Although it curves around behind a Wells Fargo in kind of a weird way.)

Unlike other sex clubs I have been to, The Velvet Rope promotes themselves. They even have a promo on Youtube. Fancy!

Disclaimer: This video was made by the club and it kind of exaggerates what will probably happen. It may suggest the clientele is slightly younger and a bit more attractive than what I observed.

When you walk in, you pay a membership fee your first time. I paid $20 for a year, and it was free to get in because I am female. I believe couples pay $40 and single guys pay $80 to get in.

The Velvet Rope is a maze of rooms that is easy to get lost in. It’s a fascinating labyrinth of turns and corners. I’ll give you the best walk-through that I can.

This is not a picture of the club. This is just what it felt like on my first time through. Props if you get the reference.

As you enter, the couples area is to your right, and the hot tub to your left. Straight through is a common room where BDSM stuff was set up because it was kink night via a group called “Red Cheeks” here in Portland. Then, up the stairs, there is a common area with pool tables and a bar. Off of that is the smoking area, and then the “education room” where they play porn on the wall.

There are showers and bathrooms upstairs and down, if you feel dirty and you think water will fix that.

The main thing I found surprising was all the private rooms.

Most sex clubs I have been to are a room or rooms with places to sit or have sex, but all those places are in public areas. You go to a sex club to watch people, and to have them watch you. Well, and to switch partners. All of those things are harder when everyone is off in their own rooms.

That’s just my opinion though.

So I met a man I’ll call Mr. Grayson and decided that he was perfect to test out The Velvet Rope with.

To help you imagine (if you do that sort of thing) Mr. Greyson looks like a slightly older, blue-eyed version of Zachary Quinto.

We chose one of the private rooms in the “couples” suite, rather than in the upstairs suite. There was a sheet provided to put down over the vinyl mat that serves as a bed, and curtains to cover the window if we wanted so people couldn’t see in. We choose not to cover the window, but to adopt a position that only showed our feet. He says people were watching anyhow, so perhaps we have interesting feet.

There was a basket of condoms provided, which I was glad for because I forgot my stash at home.

We had sex, which I know I usually always describe in detail on here. But for once… I want to keep the details to myself.

The best I can do is to say it was like this but with more feeling

Picture sensual sex. Slow and intense. Picture bodies moving together like big fish in a small bowl, somehow touching at every point possible as if melting together. And picture a moment; brief but charged with electricity, where he buried his head against me and I could feel him nearly overcome with emotion as I held his head against my heart.

Skip to the end, and we took the sheet off the bed and put it in a clothes hamper at the end of the hall. Then a club employee came by to clean the vinyl mat and provide a new clean sheet for the next couple, as per club policy.

It is a neat place, and I should mention that it’s got loads of cool history that you can read about shortly when the article (not by me) comes out in Erotic Magazine.

This club is a fun place to spend an evening and a fun place to have sex with someone you just met. I highly recommend it.

Note: They do serve alcohol (and have snacks.) If you like to drink, plan to take a cab or have a designated driver. And remember to drink in moderation because no one likes the pushy trashed asshole at a sex club.

Professional vs Personal

December 28, 2013 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

There are a lot of differences between doing something professionally and doing it for fun. I was arguing this with a friend the other day, and now that I have thought about it I think I can explain it better.

First, being a Domme in your personal life is nothing like doing it professionally because it’s for fun. You get to set up scenes you want to play out, and pick who you play with, and all kinds of others awesome things. So of course, it’s fun to be a Domme when it’s not your job. (And maybe you’ve noticed that almost anything seems fun until you do it for a living.)

The Woman.

So for all you Dommes out there who have never worked professionally as a Dominatrix, of course it seems like it’s all fun and games.

The thing is, here’s what being a Professional is like:

I get to work and there is already two clients waiting. When I say clients, I kind of mean creeps. I know I shouldn’t say that, but I got a creeper vibe off half the guys that came to see me. So great, I pick one and we go into my room of the dungeon. I have a small table where we sit down, and I take out the standard consent form, which I have every single person sign before every single session. It says that I am not legally responsible for any physical harm that may occur during the course of the scene, and it asks questions they must answer about what kind of scene they are looking for.

We go over he form together and make sure I understand what type of scene they are looking for. Then I get out the checklist. It is a list of about 100 things that may or may not happen, depending on the client’s desires. On MY checklists, certain things were always crossed off, such as any part of me being penetrated by anything at all. Other Dommes made other choices and also made more money. I respect that, but chose not to do it.

So, then we know what kind of scene and what things will be done or not done. I name a price and collect the money up front, and then I go out and wait while the client prepares. (Usually taking clothes off and getting into position or whatever.)

I come back (leaving the door open so my DM can check in on me).

Now, let’s use an example of a common fetish that I had to deal with. I’ll describe a scene I did for a guy we’ll call Mr. Chocolate. So, he wanted very much to be treated like a puppy. He would do this in his underwear, with a collar and leash on.

He’d jump up and I’d say “No! That’s a bad dog!” And I’d use my riding crop to smack his butt. And then he’d pout and look cute, so I’d say “Aww, I can’t stay mad at you! Come here.” And I’d get down on the floor and let him crawl around and put his head on me and lick my face while I petted him.

He came to see me several times, and we played out scenes where I taught him tricks and punished him when he did them wrong; while rewarding him with treats when he did them right. He also came to me once obviously upset, and spent the whole time making little whimpering noises while I petting his head and told him he was a good puppy.

Mr. Chocolate had this need to be a puppy, and so my job was to play the scenes out with him. Would I have chosen to do those things on my own? No. I’m not really into pet play. (I do call my husband pet, and I do pet him, but he never pretends to be a dog and I don’t want him to.)

That’s just one example. I had guys who just wanted to be flogged for hours. I had guys who waned to be spanked, and made to count each whack. I had guys who wanted to be hurt in any way I could think of until they “felt something.” Sometimes, it is about the pain.

But in my experience, mostly, it’s about the control. Someone wants to give themselves over to you wholly and completely and be free from all responsibility or worry. And because they are playing for it, the experience, it will be on their terms.

How is this different from a personal relationship, you ask?

Well, here are the main things as I see it:

1. Focus. Yes, in private the sub still gives themselves over to you wholly and completely. However, they generally want to please you, rather than having the focus on them being pleased. Even when you do focus on just pleasing them, they still do what they can to make you feel good too, because you are their master and they want to please you.

2. Sex. There is usually sex or penetration of some kind or oral contact or something in a personal BDSM relationship. In general it is frowned upon in a professional context. This is because back in the day when I worked as a Domme*, the dungeons were in private houses and as long as there was no sex, it was legal. If sexual contact happened, it could be considered prostitution and there could be jail and fines and such.

3. Respect. A person who is paying you doesn’t respect you probably, even if they have to act like it to make the scene work. And you don’t respect them all that much either, since you can’t help wondering why they don’t get a girlfriend that will put them on a leash and take them for walks.

*Note: In the 1990’s the internet hadn’t quite created things like fetlife.com and collarme.com yet. There weren’t BDSM meetups just advertised, and going looking for them could be scary. Communities that you could talk about kink with were rare. Kink was less accepted, and more persecuted. Dungeons like I used to work out might not exist anymore (I haven’t been to one like that in years!)

See, nowadays, you can just meet someone to do kinky things with, so there is no need to pay a girl to do things to you.

So now, dungeons like the CSPC are places where people can go alone or as a couple and do kinky things in a professional dungeon setting, without needing to pay for time with a Dominatrix.

It’s a better age, but I feel like it renders people like me somewhat obsolete. I just teach now. After all, I got good at speaking frankly about kink during all those scene negotiations I used to do. So, it’s easy for me to talk practically about things that embarass others. It’s therefore easy to do workshops and things like that.

Anyway the point is, working as a Domme isn’t the same as being a Domme for fun. If I’ve failed to explain why then I am sorry. I tried to do my best. But as someone who has Dominatrix friends who are both pro and personal, (as well as having been both) all I can do is promise you that I know what I am talking about. It’s not the same.

Anyway, I hope that you guys know I write these posts with a smile. If you met me in person you’d see that even though I can snap right the fuck into serious mode when I have to, I really am mostly a goofball.

magicallydelicioussuperslut

I want to do things to you that you'll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

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