Poly vs Open

January 28, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I am not much for terms. As a writer, you would think I would love them. But I am not a precise person. I hate specifics. I think in broad strokes about overall ideas and I hate nitpicking. This makes me a horrible copy editor.

Anyway, I was asked about the difference between being “poly” and being “open,” and I thought it was a good question so I will do my best to answer it.

I lot of couples consider these terms synonymous, which is to say, they think it is the same thing. And that is fine. You can define things however you want in your world. I am not a purist, so I believe that usage defines language. But that’s a whole other blog post…

Anyway, those who hold that the terms have different means have defined them to me this way:

Poly: Having multiple emotional relationships at the same time (this can mean a primary and secondary, more than one primary, etc.)

Open: Having only one emotional relationship, but having sexual or play relationships with people outside the primary relationship.

Again, it is up to you to decide how you feel, but I want to put in my two cents that it’s very hard to sleep with someone and not become fond of them. (That’s just down to hormones and such, so don’t think I am being sappy. Oxcytocin and Dopamine are things, you know? ) So to me it seems like if you want to have an open relationship, and you define that as no outside emotional attachments, then you should probably stick to one-night stands.

New Lifestyle Club

January 21, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I wrote before about Club Sesso in Portland after visiting there with one of my boyfriends. At the time, it was a swinger’s club owned by porn star Ron Jeremy and his business partners.

Since then, there the club became tied up in a scandal . I won’t get into the details because that’s not the relevant part. What matters is, they closed the club. This was a shame for kinky folks and swingers who enjoy such places.

In the wake of it all, two of the partners who owned the original club have filed to open a new club in its place, to be called Club Privata. No word on exactly what it will be. The owners describe it as an “upscale lifestyle club.” But, I think it’s safe to assume that it will be similar to what the old club was. This is good for all of us who live in or spend lots of time in Portland.

Ron Jeremy will not be involved at all in the new club.

Kink and Three or More People

January 7, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I was asked about BDSM play with more than two people involved in the scene, and I wanted to do a quick post on why adding people is complicated.

Obviously if it’s a poly situation it’s very complicated because then everyone is in some kind of relationship with each other, and I have written before about all the issues of poly relationships. Generally after awhile you need flow charts and a white board to express anything.

You think adding one more person to a situation can’t be that confusing. But, you have to consider how many points of view are involved.

In a situation with two people, there are only two perspectives to consider. However, in a situation with three people, there are more than three. Observe:

First: Person One’s view of Person Two

Second: Person One’s view of Person Three

Third: Person Two’s view of Person One

Fourth: Person Two’s view of Person Three

Fifth: Person Three’s View of Person One

Sixth: Person Three’s view of Person Two

Seventh: Overall vibe of the collected group

As you can see, there’s a lot more than three points of view when there are three people.

With three people, you effectively go from two points of view to seven. And obviously that is opening up a Pandora’s box of opportunity for misunderstanding. That’s why it’s more important than ever in a situation like this to make sure you are prepared and have planned out the scene in advance.

I actually have had most of my threesome situations with other switches, so that made it easier to understand each other and to take turns being the one in charge of the scene.

However, my husband and I have also done some co-topping of people, and that has been a good experience for us and for them.

I think the key is to have understanding among the people involved, so if you aren’t married or dating or all switches, then more discussion may be required to make sure that everyone is on the same page. It seems to be that the better people know/understand each other, the better the scene will play out. Everyone is happy when everyone knows what is going on.

So make sure to make some tea, fill out some scene negotiation forms, and try to make sure that no one’s expectations get stepped on.

Parts of a Scene

December 20, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

A friend asked me how long an average kink scene is, and I had to think about it because it seems like it is different for everyone. I thought it would be easier, instead of giving a time, to break down each section.

Scene Set Up

Before your intended arrives, there are things you need to do! First, get a dungeon playlist together. Nothing that is going to make you guys laugh. (Unless you want that in the scene.) I guess what I mean is, nothing that will make you break character when you don’t want to.

My favorite bands for play are element a440, Hardwire, Faderhead, and Selfless. But of course, I throw in Marilyn Manson or NIN from time to time, or whatever I am in the mood for that has a good beat. Sometimes it’s a Children of Bodem kind of day, or a Cradle of Filth Day. Obviously not everyone has my taste in music, but that’s just what I like.

Set out your toys! You don’t want to go rummaging for things, so set out all the toys you want to use and make sure they are all clean. If you will be using condoms, set those out as well. Make sure everything you might need is already out and ready to go.

I usually take about 30 minutes to an hour to select my playlist, layout my toys, and prepare any required paperwork.

Scene Negotiation

I like to make tea, because I think it’s easier to talk about sex with a warm cup of something in your hand. I also enjoy using forms for new subs, because I think it makes it easier for them to tell me what they want and what their limits are. For men who will be using toys that make marks on women, I always suggest one of the forms you consider is a consent form, making it clear exactly what is being consented to. Hitting? Leaving marks? Sex? Get it in writing, just in case.

Scene negotiation is about communication. Establish safe words, talk about limits, suggest roles, and discuss general things you want. Also, discuss STDs and trade tests before agreeing to have sex without a condom. Discuss how you plan to prevent pregnancy (if applicable). Just get all the issues on the table.

With a new person, this often takes me an hour. But with someone I play with regularly, it’s more like a 15 minute ‘what should we try today’ kind of thing.

Play Part

Then comes the actual tying up. Of course I have talked about rope not being my favorite thing. I am more the cuffs and collars type. But whatever you do to restrain your sub, then you get into the various ideas for what to do. Obviously there are lots of toy options from nipple clamps to floggers and whips. There’s knife play and fire play and any number of fun games to play with someone when they are restrained.

Note: Please please please don’t just do what you see in porn. I know we have all watched stuff on kink.com and I am not saying that is a bad thing. But do not just use vibratos and be lazy. Put in some effort. There is nothing worse than a lazy Dom who just ties up their sub, straps a vibrator on them, and goes out for a smoke. (Unless she asked for that, in which case do ahead.)

Sex Part

The sex part and the play part can totally overlap. I am not trying to tell you how you have to run a scene or anything. However, if you’re whipping and spanking and such, there is usually a level of physical distance between you that makes sex impossible, so I am assuming that most of us do the sex part after the play part.

I have written before about how sometimes sex is a long affair if you get one of those wonderful guys who is obsessed with giving women multiple orgasms. (Miss you all the time Dante!)

Anyway, how long this takes is up to you. I am going to say about an hour, because that seems about right.

Aftercare

This is really important so please don’t skip it! Resentment builds up way too quickly in kink relationships when it comes to things that both parties don’t enjoy. It’s harder to talk about than vanilla sex.

So, hold your sub. Pet them. Tell them that they are beautiful and that they are a good girl/boy. And invite them to give you feedback. Be genuine. You want feedback. It’s okay if they are too shy to speak up the first few times. Just keep asking.

I guess this is usually 30 minutes to an hour.

So, how long is a scene? I have no idea. I guess my point is that it all depends on you.

Rope Bondage

December 16, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Lately, I have been asked a lot about how to get better at rope bondage. I must admit, rope bondage isn’t something I do. I have talked before about how I prefer gear ties and cuffs. However, I have nothing but respect for those who practice this noble art.

Because I can’t tell you a lot about how to do it, I wanted to give you some resources:

The Two Knotty Boys are wonderful! I saw them do a show at the CSPC in Seattle, and I can’t tell you how impressed I was. They move with a style and grace that is rivaled by few.

My other recommendation is Twisted Monk. They can give you good ideas. If you visit their page, you’ll find lots of useful instructional videos that you can watch and practice along with. If you want to learn the art of rope bondage, these are some men who can help.

Please remember to keep safety in mind. One of the reasons I don’t do rope bondage is because I worry about missing the signs and causing damage to my rope bunny. Remember to keep something handy to cut ropes fast, just in case a toe starts turning blue!

Minimalist Kink

November 29, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I have said before that I don’t have a dungeon room in my house. I love visiting dungeons, but at home I tend to be a minimalist when it comes to kink. I think bending someone over a couch is every bit as good as a spanking bench, and tying someone to the back side of a couch is perfectly effective as well.

Of course, some people think the kink furniture really adds to the effect. That’s great too!

In addition to using perfectly normal items like a couch for kinky purposes, you can also re-purpose everyday items as toys. Of course it’s wonderful to have a custom collar made for your submissive. And I have written about different collar options before. However, if you’re on a budget, there’s no reason not to pick up a dog collar at the pet store. You don’t need fancy things to be kinky unless it helps your mindset. Meanwhile, if you already have the mindset, anything at all can be kinky.

Paper clips can be used as nipple clamps. I suppose they can actually be more painful than the clamps you buy at stockroom.com. They may not look fancy, but they certainly get the job done.

Finally, many people spend thousands on professional BDSM furniture. That’s okay if you can afford it and if you have room for it. However, if you want to make a simple suspension rig, Home Depot can provide everything you need. My friend made a rig out of pipe, and uses it frequently to suspend people. Best of all, it can be broken down and stored so that it’s out of the way (in case you have kids, vanilla friends, etc…)

So no matter what you’re kink is, remember that being creative is always an option.

A Reminder

November 25, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

The woman above is expressing disgust. Let’s talk about why.

A friend of mine is looking to date, and I am very protective of her, so I want to write a reminder to the men out there who still don’t know how to talk to women, in spite of my repeating writing of helpful posts on the subject.

She is a submissive woman. She gets pleasure from serving men in both sexual and nonsexual ways. (So cooking and cleaning and laundry in addition to blow jobs and holding still for a spanking.)

These type of women are hard to come by, and they are very valuable. If you have the opportunity to talk to one of them, you don’t want to screw it up by being an idiot. So here are some things you should not do:

Do not approach a submissive woman as though you already have a D/S relationship with her. Remember that submission is a choice, and because these woman are rare, they have every right to be very selective. You need to talk to them like they are people, because even though some men don’t realize it, women actually are people.

Do not treat them like they are a slut. First, slut shaming is wrong. But beyond that, you have no idea how often she dates or how many guys she has been with. Kinky does not equal many partners. It can, but it is not a forgone conclusion. She might act like a whore for you, but that is not how you talk to her. It is not what she is. It’s part of a scene she plays.

Do not approach a woman in such a way that shows you are trying to assert your dominance. Only bad Doms have to try too hard by asserting their dominance in conversation. Good Doms carry themselves in such a way that they don’t need to say a word to be recognized for what they are, and if you try to assert your dominance you just seem like a noob and a prick. No one will want you, nor should they.

Do not approach a potential submissive in an overly aggressive way. Remember that men’s biggest fears when going on a date is that the girl will be fat. (Source: every reddit thread and men’s magazine on Earth.) Meanwhile women are afraid of being raped and murdered because that actually happens all the time. So while your biggest fear is 20 extra pounds, women go into dates fearing for their lives, and you need to respect that and treat them respectfully and kindly up front.

So what should you do?

Well, start by asking them questions about what they are looking for, and telling them what you are looking for. This will help you to decide if you are compatible. Remember: You need to talk to them like they are a person. I can not stress this enough. Women are people, okay? So you need to treat them like people. Yes, they are going to have opinions. No, this is not bad. Even submissive women are not meant to be subjugated and denied thoughts and feelings. You earn the submission of a submissive women, you don’t just get it because you think you are a Dom (nor should you.)

Remember to listen to them and what they want. Take their ideas into consideration when planning a scene. Let them choose what toys they are comfortable with and what toys they are not ready for yet or may never want to try. And then, get this, listen to and respect what they say.

I have talked to a lot of men online. I do write a blog as a Dominatrix, and I have been in the kink community for nearly 20 years now. So that is why I need to emphasize these points so much, because I know first hand that there are a lot of men out there who don’t understand this. They are the creepy guys at munches, reeking of desperation and anger because they can’t get a sub and they don’t know why. They are the guys who take to the internet and harass women online because they are frustrated that they can’t get a woman in real life. They are the losers. And not only do women like my friend need to be protected from them, but they need to be told what they are doing wrong because all of us in the community are ashamed of these guys. They make us all look bad. Every scene has those one or two dudes that no one wants at the munch or play party because they suck. And those guys need to learn not to suck, for the sake of the community as a whole.

Don’t be the guy that makes women look disgusted and upset. Don’t be the weirdo.

However, if you can follow these few very simple rules, you will end up with the thing you want most, which is a submissive like my friend who will cook for you and devote herself to pleasing you. You may have to earn it, but it’s absolutely worth it when you do.

Some Equipment Required

November 13, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

There are a few things I don’t write about much because I don’t do them. I am what you would call a minimalist kinkster. I will enjoy BDSM furniture in a dungeon, but I don’t keep a special room for it in my house. I will play with more labor-intensive toys at a tasting or play party, but I don’t keep things like that at home. It’s not out of prejudice or anything like it- just being lazy and trying to keep things simple.

However, here is a post about the complicated kinky stuff.

Above you can see an example of cupping, which was originally a type of medical practice in the East. Many kinky folk enjoy this, but it does require buying and storing equipment, so many of us shy from it for that reason.

Speaking of equipment, Violet Wands and Tens Units are also medical devices that have become popular in kink. I am not fond of electricity, but my husband adores the feeling of being shocked, and many people do. There are lots of kinksters who have one of these in their closet.

Another popular kink is Wax Play. You don’t need to have a warmer (pictured above,) but they certainly help. Of course, lost of people just buy Paraffin Wax candles, light them, and drip them on their partner. Wax play can be used to create beautiful designs, and although it is a bit messy, it can be very pretty.

Many kinks can create lovely designs, but none is as beautiful as rope play like Japanese Shibari. I have said before that I tend to use cuffs or gear ties to bind people because these options are quick and easy. However, if you have the patience, rope bondage is an art form.

If you are interested, I recommend some of the how-to videos that Twisted Monk has to offer. It’s a wonderful skill to learn and it goes over very well at play parties.

And remember, everyone has different kinks. Try not to judge others when they have different interests than you.

Kink Vacations

November 9, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

My husband and I live on Guam right now. It’s a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and it doesn’t have much for a kink community or really any community. I have met some people here who want to “get into kink” but haven’t had the chance to experience anything. So, I want to write a bit about planning your vacations around kink.

Everyone always asks me “Where the fuck is Guam?”

Twice now I have gone to Arizona just for a weekend to attend a Horns and Halos Fetish Prom. Unfortunately, after the 10 year anniversary, they stopped putting on the proms. However, if you’re into suspension or any of those aspects of pain and endurance, Life Suspended is still going strong in Phoenix, and Cupcake happens once a month.

I used to love traveling to Portland for Club Sesso, but it’s currently in limbo while the owners decide if they want to meet current city building codes or not. However, there is still The Velvet Rope, in addition to private dungeons like Meadhall, which you would need to be invited to via the dungeon’s page on fetlife.com.

Up in Seattle there is the very best place you could possible go if you are new to kink; a place called the CSPC. With a kink library, dungeon space, and learning annex, the Center for Sex Positive Culture is a great resource to learn about kink, attend workshops, and try out a real dungeon environment.

Of course there are other sex clubs and dungeons around the world. My husband and I always enjoy a visit to Club Desire in Seoul. But listing every kink spot in the world won’t do you any good. The secret is to pick a city that you want to visit, change your location on fetlife to that city, and join some groups. Start talking to people. And then plan your dates around when they have events going on.

It doesn’t matter what city you choose. What matters is that you plan ahead to get hooked in to the kink community there, and make sure you can mix in kink events with your vanilla sightseeing. Before I went to Paris I looked up Burlesque shows. Before I went to Thailand I looked for a dungeon but settled for an eel show at a brothel (who would have thought there would be virtually no kink scene in Thailand?!?) And every time I want to go to a new place, I always include kink into my planning.

If you are from a desolate island like Guam, make sure that you get the most out of your vacations. Don’t just fly home to see mom in Atlanta. Plan to visit the Atlanta Dungeon while you are there!

We are a community, and as such, you are sure to find one or two people willing to show you around their scene when you are visiting. That’s just how we are.

Even if you’re from a place with a vibrant kink scene, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check out dungeons in other cities when you are visiting.

NOTE: Do be very careful to read the fine print. My husband and I decided to avoid a kink club in Boston while we were there, even though we would have loved to meet some of the locals. This is because the fine print on their website said that they live stream from every room in the dungeon for some porn website. I don’t want to be outed and I am sure that you don’t either. So, always make sure the club checks cell phones at the door and has a strict “no cameras” policy before you enter any kink establishment. Also, fuck Boston for taking a wonderful community of people and trying to sell them as porn.

Flogging in Detail

November 5, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Recently I was asked for more detailed information about flogging than what was in my overview post. So, let’s go into more detail.

First, you must realize that there are several different lengths of floggers available. A good place to buy them is stockroom.com. You don’t want to go too short or too long as a beginner. I would suggest something around 18″ to 24″ tails at the start, because they are easiest to manage.

Also, since a beginner might not be able to help hitting less desirable spots to start, I would recommend suede over leather. Leather can cut skin, whereas suede produces a wonderful sound and feel, but is very unlikely to leave lasting damage. Also note, you do not want braided tails at first, nor do you want tipped tails. Again, these things are more painful for your submissive (which every pain slut will enjoy,) but are also more dangerous in untrained hands. So it’s best to start with a simple soft suede.

(Note: Above is an example of tipped tails.)

Now, the motion is always described as a figure eight. What that means is that you will go up to make the top of the eight, and strike as you cross over to begin the lower part of the eight. This is the strongest part of the swing. The figure eight motion allows for more control, and it also allows you to build up more momentum so that the flogger will make those wonderful sounds.

It is very true that in porn (like on kink.com) they do not use a figure eight motion, but instead swing randomly. To that I would say: lesbian porn is full of made-up straight girls shoving 2 inch nails into another girl’s vagina, and that is not realistic either. If you don’t believe me, please see actual lesbians watching lesbian porn.

So again, use a figure eight motion in the air, because this helps to give you more control on where you strike on your submissive’s body. Remember: you do not want to strike the same spot over and over. No one likes the same spot touched, hit, or pet over and over. You must always vary where you spank, lick, bite, or hit.

Then, remember to hit the more fatty areas. There are lots of diagrams available online.

And finally, do not start by just wailing away on your submissive. People need to be eased into pain a little at a time. It’s a lot like the penetration part of sex, where you should not just shove your dick in and start fucking like a jack rabbit (unless you have a tiny penis- then it’s probably okay.) But to be good at it, you want to build up to the intense part over time, right?

So with flogging, start out slowly, with lazy figure eights that hit lightly. Think of it as a caress, because the suede tails should feel like a lover’s caress when they touch the skin. As you go, build up the intensity and let the flogger move faster and faster. This will help you build up to striking harder and harder.

Remember to be careful not to let the flogger wrap around your submissive and snap the front of them, because the added force from that an cause broken skin even with a suede flogger. If you’re nervous, stick to the middle first. This is particular true as you start to hit harder.

As you get more experienced, there is a huge variety of types of floggers that you can check out. It really all depends on how far your submissive wants to go. After all, metal-tipped tails are not for everyone, but for some folks, they’re a favorite. Don’t forget to communicate!

magicallydelicioussuperslut

I want to do things to you that you'll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Category Archives: Educational Stuff