Fetish Series: Orgies, Swapping, etc…

May 25, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Note: There are a lot of monogamous people in the kink community. Being kinky doesn’t automatically make you polyamorous. So before I get into the non-monogamous fetishes out there, I want to acknowledge that fact.

Now, when it comes to group-style sex, there are lots of options, and lots of ways it has been done throughout history. I could never talk about them all. Let’s just stick to two so this post doesn’t get too long:

1. Swapping/Swinging: when you are part of a couple and you switch partners, either at a party or through some other means.

2. Orgies: This just covers group sex of various kinds, including even-ratio parties and other scenarios.

So first, let’s talk about swinging. Even vanilla people do this, and it’s actually really common.

One tradition of swapping that comes from the vanilla world involves putting all the husband’s keys into a bowl, and having wives pick out keys at random. This is called a “Key Party.”

Some people are attracted to this idea because they like the concept of sleeping with a completely random person. For them, it’s just about having new and different experiences.

Other times, people prefer to switch with someone they already know and are attracted to. In the kink community, you see a lot of submissives “loaned out.” One Domme might have a submissive that another Domme is interested in, and so they trade for the night/week/forever. There are varying levels of consent involved there, depending on what has been negotiated. For example, I can swap my Pet out for another pet, or even just loan him out because I want to. However, I wouldn’t give him away/swap him for more than a night. That’s just the arrangement we have negotiated.

Some submissives are really into being loaned out/swapped/or even sold at auction.

Although a key party is really different than a Domme loaning out her submissive, all these fetishes kind of fall under the same umbrella of switching/swapping.

Like the section above, orgies are also not exclusive to the kink community. There were plenty of hippy orgies back in the sixties, and vanilla people still get drunk at parties and do this sort of thing. In fact, I have been in a few vanilla orgies, so I know that vanilla folks still have group sex even though the sixties are over.

Many people like the idea because it involves a wide variety of people and experiences in a single setting. Of course, it is also involves a lot more risk of STDs, so you should make sure that you are aware and comfortable with the dangers.

Most orgies are planned, and involve and even split of males/females. However, gang bangs would also fall under the category of an orgy.

Many people who find the idea of group sex disturbing wonder why anyone would chose to do it. Here are some of the reasons:

Exhibitionism: Many people really enjoy being watched. For them, sex is more exciting when people can see. For some kinky folks who like humiliation play, being whipped/fucked in front of people can also play into their fetish, as the natural tendency is to be embarrassed by being seen naked or vulnerable.

Watching: Some people really enjoy watching their partner have sex. They can see facial expressions, body movements, and all the things that are hard to see when they are not at a distance. In addition, some people have a cuckold fetish, so rather than focusing on watching their partner, their interest is in watching their partner having sex with someone else.

Variety: Our instincts as humans tend towards variety. As we see in monkeys, females have an instinct to have many partners in order to have many different sets of DNA (and may the best sperm win) and males have an instinct to spread their DNA as far and wide as possible. So this is basically a way for us humans to indulge some very primal instincts.

There are more reasons that people enjoy orgies, but that should be enough to give you the basic idea of why it might arouse some.

Obviously there are a lot of other ways that people enjoy sex with more than one partner. Every guy has given some thought to a MFF threesome, and in my experience, every girl has given some thought to a MMF threesome.

Actually, in the polyamorous community you often find a lot of triads or groups of people dating each other. This make sense if you may not get everything you want from one partner. For example, I am bisexual, so I enjoy having a boyfriend and a girlfriend. I am also a switch, so I enjoy having a Dom and a sub. That can be as few as two people or as many as four, and some of them may date each other as well. This is one of the many ways people may end up having sex in a group.

So again, remember to be tolerant of those with different fetishes. Your kink is not my kink, and that’s okay.

Fetish Series: Age Play

May 20, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

There’s actually a lot of fetishes covered in the term “Age Play.” So let’s start by breaking them down:

1. Adult Baby Play: This is when someone actually wants to be treated as a baby, including diaper changes and bottle feedings.

2. Daddy/Daughter Play: This is pretty common in the community, but not all “daughters” consider themselves to be “Littles.”

3. Littles: These are people who identify as young children, and have the fetish of being cared for by a loving parent.

4. General Age Play: Any role play where the people are different ages, such as a student and teacher.

Note: Of course there are millions of fetishes, and I can’t talk about every single one. Within the category of “Age Play,” these are some of the bigger subcategories, but this is by no means a comprehensive list.

“Age Play” is an umbrella for a lot of fetishes. To begin, what is Adult Baby Play? A website called The Daily Diaper offers a lot of good insight and stories, as well as a “personals” section for hookups, (if you’re interested.)

To start, let’s understand that to role play being a baby is to get in touch with a very primal part of yourself. These are people who are looking for bottle feedings, spankings, and to be admired and cared for like babies are.

When you think about it, this fetish sounds sort of comforting. Babies do get a lot of love and attention, and we all enjoy those things, right?

Note: Some vanilla psychiatrists see this as a reaction to not being loved enough as a baby. However, I think all of us can realize that there are plenty of people with good lives and happy childhoods who are part of the kink community. The idea that there has to be something wrong with you for you to enjoy kink is really offensive to me.

So, remember not to let vanilla doctors define your ideas of people in the community. Yes, some of us have issues that we are working out. But I know that for me personally, my kink is unrelated to the issues that I am working out as a human in the world. My kink is not a symptom of “being fucked up.” I just want to make that clear.

Daddy/Daughter is often lumped in with Littles, but they are definitely different in the eyes of the people who have those fetishes. As the blog “A Little Understanding” explains, there is plenty of room for distinction.

Those who enjoy Daddy/Daughter play see it as an extension of the Sub/Dom dynamic. The “daughters” identify feelings of submission with feelings of being young or vulnerable. The “daddies” identify feelings of dominance with a sort of male nurturing instinct. And so, this results in the Daddy/Daughter relationship.

For some, there is an element of incest involved. So, there are some “daughters” who play the molested child role and squeal “Daddy, you’re not supposed to touch me there!” The taboo is attractive to these people. However, it should be noted that not all Daddy/Daughter relationships are like this. Many sort of gloss over the incest aspect, rationalizing that they are “adopted” or some other story to disassociate the play with the idea of incest.

Another type of Age Play is the community of people who call themselves “Littles.” These are people who self-identify as children for some or all of the time. The picture above is of a Little in her room. Note the pajamas with feet, the teddy bear, and the pacifier. Littles often ask their mommy or daddy to buy them things, and they often create bedrooms that look like a child lives there. On the website Little Space Online, you can read personal ads and read message boards, if you want more information.

The important thing to remember is that it isn’t about the Sub/Dom dynamic the way that Daddy/Daughter play is. There are all kinds of Littles, but a defining feature is that they spend as much time in the “Little head-space” as they can, and don’t like to spend time in their “Adult head-space” where they are unhappy.

In a similar way to Daddy/Daughter Play, this is not a fetish about incest. Some people may make it about that, but the vast majority of the community glosses over that aspect, because it doesn’t interest them. I would consider incest to be a completely separate fetish that can occur concurrently with Little play, but often does not.

There are a lot of other age-related fetishes besides the main ones above. For example, many people enjoy role-playing a “student/teacher” dynamic. As a former teacher, I have never found this one very amusing, but I get it. Lots of people had a crush on one of their teachers in High School or college.

Most people think the Lolita phenomenon that is popular in Asia is considered a type of age play. However, all the Lolita girls that I have met are not role-playing being children, and simply enjoying dressing like them. There is no accompanying head-space for them.

Sometimes you have an age difference in a relationship that can feel a little like age play at times. A friend was dating someone old enough to be her grandfather, and while she mostly ignored the age difference, sometimes it crept into her perspective. She was the submissive in the relationship, but whenever a situation would remind her of her boyfriend’s age, she felt like the Domme for a second because she felt like she was caring for him and helping him understand a world that had passed him by.

Similarly, I am married to someone much younger than me. My son is actually pretty upset with me over this (but he should get over it because if I was a man no one would care.) I don’t often think of my husband as younger. However, sometimes I realize that he is when he says or does something, and I have a weird moment of feeling more like a mom than a wife. I try and push that feeling away pretty quickly though, because that doesn’t happen to be my kink.

So, there are a lot of things that the term “Age Play” covers, and we all have various levels of interest in various aspects of the fetishes.

Mainly, I would ask that if you meet someone who enjoys any of the fetishes above, please don’t judge. You may not be personally interested in their kink, but you should do your best to be understanding.

Fetish Series

May 15, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

The BDSM community is a group of diverse people. We certainly have things in common, such as our agreement to be accepting of others, and to engage in safe, sane, and consensual play.

However, there is a phrase we often use: “Your kink is not my kink.”

This is meant to refer to the fact that we’re all kinky in different ways. You may be a Furry or a Little. I am neither of those things. However, that doesn’t mean that we aren’t part of the same community.

I get asked about different fetishes a lot.

I think that if we are all part of the same community, then we should probably know about each other’s kinks. We wouldn’t want to misrepresent someone else’s fetish to a vanilla person, right?

With that in mind, I am starting a series of posts on various fetishes. Hopefully by the time I am done, you will all feel very informed about different things that are out there.

Vanilla folks often make out various fetishes to be much more disturbing than they are, and they can be very judgmental about us as a whole. However, some folks in the community can be judgmental too; saying things like: “I am into bondage and impact play, but I think piss play is gross.”

It is my personal supposition that once you understand a fetish and why someone is into it, you will be more tolerant. This series will address that idea.

Female Dommes

April 28, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I get a lot of questions from women about how to dominate men. I have written a few posts about it before, but since everyone asked for more:

First: It is all about attitude.

I use music to get into the mood. I like Selfless, Element a440, Hardwire, Faderhead, and Children of Bodom. I find them to be very empowering bands. I put on my clothes and set up the scene I want to play while listening to loud music. Setting up a scene is really important because you want to have all your toys out where you can reach them. It breaks the scene up if you have to stop and go looking for something.

Second: It’s all in your head.

Yes, you can whip your sub. You can tie them up, blindfold them, spank them, and force them to pleasure you. There are definitely a lot of dominant actions that you can do to another person.

However, it’s not so much the whips and chains that matter. Most of BDSM is selling the idea that you are in control and helping your sub get into a headspace where they are yours. You can do this with words, actions, or whatever makes you feel comfortable. I like to make sure to push them into positions and manhandle them in such a way that they feel forced into each position, but like I said, you can also use verbal degradation or anything else you want.

Third: The problem with penetration.

There is definitely a perception that being fucked is a submissive act. The problem there is that men have penises; even submissive men. And they want to stick them in things. So how do you deal with that?

Well, one way is to take control of every aspect of it. Lay back and tell them exactly what to do. Instruct them on how fast they can go, make them stop when they are getting into it, and don’t let them cum without permission. Use subtle forms of control to ensure that even when you let a sub male penetrate you, they know that you are the one in control.

And of course, you can always get a strap on, lay down on the couch, and tell them to fuck themself. Make sure to use lube since boys don’t make their own.
Finally: Extras Help.

If you are having trouble finding your inner Domme, that’s okay. It’s not always easy. So start by buying yourself some sexy leather or vinyl so you can feel like you look the part. Get some fuck-me boots and practice walking in them.

Then get some toys. Yes, you can use rope or gear ties for cheap DIY bondage, but that won’t help you feel powerful (unless it does, in which case you rock!) However, most of us feel more empowered by leather cuffs. One, it eliminates the hassle of tying knots that your sub might get out of. Two, it looks cool and feel fun to put on them. And try out all the whips at the store until you hold the one that makes you feel like a Goddess.

I know, gear is expensive. And to some it may not be necessary or worth it. But I know that on the days when I am just not feeling it, putting on my vinyl helps. And so does pulling out and arranging my whips and cuffs and floggers and such.

This is just a few things that I find helpful, but as always, do your thing.

Introduction to Fetishes

March 26, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Note: This is the last entry on the lecture series that I was hired to do. I just wanted to share this information with all of you. I will be doing the actual workshops in California in April, but as I was preparing them I wanted to make them available to all of you wonderful people who follow me. Thank you for your support.

Introduction to Kink: Fetishes

When you think of kink, what you are really thinking of are fetishes. So what is a fetish? It is something that a person finds sexually exciting, but which is not considered to be part of the mainstream sources of sexual stimulation. We’re all turned on by different things, and many of us are turned on by things that we may not even understand. That’s okay. This is just a little information about some of the most popular fetishes, and what they are all about.

Anal Sex: Most young people do not even consider this a fetish anymore. Anal sex has become pretty mainstream, though I am sure it would turn our grandparents hair if they knew. I think it is exciting to people because it is considered to be forbidden, and also because for men it stimulates the prostate gland, which is sort of like their G-Spot.

Bondage: Obviously this can be as simple as using whatever is handy to tie a person’s hands together, or as complicated as shibari (Japanese rope bondage.) Some people who love to be bound are fine with a simple restraint like gear ties, and some desperately want to feel the experience of being slowly worked into an elaborate set of knotwork. Either way, the pleasure is from the experience of being bound, and from the restriction of movement that comes with it.

Impact Play: This can be something a simple as a bare-hand spanking, or as complicated as paddles and whips. It is simply the joy you feel when you are hit with something. Impact play is one of the most common fetishes, and I think even most vanilla people like the idea of spanking.

Electrical Play: This is often using something like a Violet Wand of Tens unit. My Pet really loves electricity and electrical play, and many people find the sensations enjoyable. It’s the involuntary stimulation of muscles, the feeling of the electricity in the air, and a whole host of feelings related to the joy of electricity. Please note that it is very important to do this safely with toys made for electrical play. It is not safe or in any way okay to use things not designed for electrical play. I don’t care if you felt sexually aroused when you saw someone hooked up t a car battery in a movie. You cannot do this in real life. You will stop your heart.

Role Play: There are lots of different kinds of role-play. Many people enjoy playing out rape scenes because of the involuntary nature of the concept, which allows them to play with ideas they wouldn’t play with in “real life.” Others enjoy playing scenes involving age discrepancy, such as adult baby play, daddy-daughter play, or teacher-student play. As long as these scenes are negotiated in advance, there is nothing wrong with enjoying whatever fetish turns you on, but please remember that everything needs to be safe, sane, and consensual.

Furries: The media often portrays furries as too strange for words, and it’s unfortunate that these people are denigrated so much in popular culture just because they enjoy dressing up as animals to have sex. It’s about getting in touch with a more primal nature, and realizing that humans are animals, no matter how evolved we think we are. And for people who find their own bodies unattractive, it’s a safe place to hide (inside a suit) and be something other than themselves.

Feminization: Many men enjoy being forced into traditionally feminine roles, such as wearing female clothes or being forced to do housework. I think this is a reflection of how society lets women be “tomboys” while simultaneously forbidding men from showing any hint of femininity. I am sure you’re seeing by now that the main theme is taboo. If something is forbidden, it is bound to be fetishized.

Foot Fetishes: This is perhaps one of the oldest fetishes, and there have been many incarnations of this fetish. Some have argued that foot binding in China was a result of men having a fetish about feet. I personally have a friend who is really into feet, and also socks (particularly those with stripes) and shoes (particularly those with straps.) Foot worship, boot worship, boot blacking, and all related fetishes seem to be related to the idea that feet are an overlooked part of the body. Certainly they have a lot of nerves, so if you find yourself with someone who enjoys feet, you may enjoy it more than you expect.

Hook Suspension: There are groups all over of folks who like to be hung from hooks that are carefully placed under the skin. I saw my first hook suspension when I was seventeen, and I remember being shocked at how much the skin on the subject’s back could stretch. It must have been 12 to 14 inches off of his back, and yet somehow it was still attached. I admire the peace that people seem to find when they engage in hook suspension, and it does look like a very spiritual experience. However, like many folks, I worry too much about skin damage (scars and potential infections) so I prefer to watch.

Note: This is a very short list of just a few fetishes that are common. There are lots of fetishes, and it seems to me that as society accepts more and more things, fetishes get stranger and stranger (to accommodate the need to taboo). I think the key is not to judge “strange” as “bad.” Strange and weird things can be wonderful and enjoyable, and there is no reason to fear something just because you have never done it before.

There are many fetish lists available online, but of course, none of them are comprehensive because there will always be something else that someone else fins sexy. That’s not a bad thing. The difficult part is to find someone who is willing to indulge your fetishes, and to be able to communicate those fetishes effectively to your partner. It’s also important to be able to manage your disappointment, because no matter how much someone loves you, they imply may not be comfortable with you peeing on them. It’s important to respect the fact that just because you like something, doesn’t mean someone has to do it for you.

It’s also important to remember that just because something looked exciting to you in a pornographic move, that doesn’t mean you will enjoy it in real life. You may watch needle play in a video and think the blood is sexy, but in reality perhaps you are worried about germs and infections, and you don’t really want that done to you. It’s okay to find something exciting and still not want to do it. That’s the beauty of fantasy.

Limits

The key to experiencing fetishes is to find where your limits are. You have to really evaluate what you are comfortable with having done to your body. No one can tell you (and no one should try to tell you) what you are okay with. It’s a journey that we all have to take on our own.

It’s also important to note that you may change your mind over time. You can start out with limits in one place, and as you go through life, you might reevaluate where your limits are and push them farther. There is nothing at all wrong with changing your mind about what you are okay with. There is nothing at all wrong with thinking something is disgusting at first, and then coming around to wanting to try it years later. Don’t judge people whose limits are in different places than yours, as your own limits may move over time.

Summary

A fetish is nothing more than a thing that you find sexually arousing. It’s not a frightening thing, or a thing to be judged for. Many fetishes are based in acts that are considered taboo by mainstream people, and this is to be expected. Remember that you are the only person who can decide what you are comfortable with, and that you should never let anyone make you feel bad for the things that you find sexually exciting. We are all on our own journeys, and it’s important to remember that you can’t understand someone else’s journey because you haven’t lived through the things that they have lived through. Tolerance and understanding are key in the kink community, and I hope you will all remember to do your best to be open-minded about new ideas, and to show compassion to those who are different. That, more than anything else, is the spirit of the kink community.

Introduction to Headspace

March 20, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Note: I am preparing a lecture series for a speaking engagement I was booked for, and I am sharing the information here so that anyone and everyone can use them. Today’s topic is Part One of the introduction to kink workshop, where I discuss how head space plays a role in kink.

Introduction to Kink: Headspace

There are a lot of aspects to kink, which I think people don’t realize. From the outside, maybe it’s the clothes that folks notice, or maybe they heard about a specific fetish and they find it weird. But there is a lot more to kink than that.

First, let’s talk about the mindset.

A huge part of kink s something we like to call “head space.” This refers to the frame of mind a person gets into when they are going to play a kink scene.

There are terms you should know that are involved in this frame of mind. Here are some quick and dirty definitions.

Sub Space: This is a way to describe the peaceful state that a submissive is trying to obtain during a scene. Ideally, they want to become completely relaxed and go inside of themselves. They want to focus completely on the sensations happening to them.

Catharsis: We use this term to describe the feeling of getting into sub space and having that perfect moment of peace. This can often cause a submissive to cry; but it is not tears from the pain or degradation involved in a scene. It is the feeling of finally getting an experience they dreamed of and feeling the way they hoped to feel.

After Care: After a scene, it is important to talk it out if possible. Bringing up any problems can make for a better scene next time. However, sometimes there is nothing to talk about. Sometimes everything was wonderful, and the only thing to do is to remain in physical contact (For example, stroking a Pet’s hair) until they “come down.”

Sub Drop: This expresses the feeling a submissive feels when a scene is over. Sometimes this is due to a lack of After Care, but it can also happen even with an attentive top. Sometimes there is just a feeling of sadness that follows, and it is important to be supportive of a submissive during this time.

Top Drop: We use this term to describe the feelings of sadness a top might feel after a scene. There is a rush of adrenalin and endorphins during a scene, and sometimes afterwards when those hormones wear off, it can leave you feeling let down.

There are lots more terms, but I don’t want to overload you with information since this is meant to be an introduction to kink. These terms are given mostly to illustrate what it is like from a mental standpoint. There is a lot going on under the surface. To an outsider it may just look like a woman in leather hitting a boy who is tied up, but that isn’t all there is to kink. A huge part of it is the mental play, and embracing the roles of Master and Slave (or Top and Bottom or Dom and Sub- you get the idea.)

How do you get into headspace?

A common question is how to approach getting into the right frame of mind. After all, it doesn’t necessarily come naturally to a person to whip another person (for some it does, but let’s focus on the folks who need help.)

I am almost always the Top, or Domme in a scene.

For me, getting into a headspace is mostly about putting on my clothes (I favor a lot of vinyl) and listening to loud music. The clothes are sort of a ritual. It’s a way for me to leave my normal mindset and focus on the mindset I am trying to transition into. The loud music is usually industrial, and that just gets my blood flowing.

This is not unlike getting yourself into other types of mindsets. For example, think of women who take a long time to shave and dress while listening to music before a date; it’s about feeling sexy. Or think of a man who practices lines in the shower, trying to focus on what to say on a date. Even in the case of putting on something solemn and black before a funeral, you are mentally preparing yourself for the situation you are about to go into.

Kink is just like this. It also requires getting into a mood.

Scene Negotiation:

I know that in the porn movies things just happen. But in real life, we need to focus on “safe, sane, and consensual.” That means talking things out first.

There are several useful scene negotiation forms online, but basically you need to decide a few things:

1. What role do you want to play?

2. What are your soft limits (things you are unsure about)?

3. What are you hard limits (things you refuse to do)?

4. What will you be using to prevent STDs or pregnancy?

5. What is your safe word (red for stop, yellow for slow down, green for go)?

Note: I like to use stoplight colors for safe words because I think it’s universal and easy. I know all the jokes are about silly safewords like “banana pancakes” and you can do that if you want. But it’s best in the begging to keep it simple.

Now, a basic scene negotiation form will help you negotiate those main points, but of course there is more you can consider. For example, there are several good fetish lists online, so you can download one and fill it out with your partner if you want to get more in-depth in your discussions (maybe you are eager to have a serious conversation about adult baby play?)

You don’t have to go overboard your first time out, but you do need to make sure that you both have clear expectations. If you think resentment can build up quickly in vanilla sex (why won’t she go down on me?) trust me that it can build up faster when kink is involved.

Setting Up a Scene:

Once you are in the right mindset, it is important to set up the scene. Sometimes kink is spontaneous, but not most of the time. It is more typical for things to be planned in advance. Here are some things to consider:

Safety: Make sure that if you are using rope, you have something to cut the rope away quickly if needed. Have water handy for your submissive as physical strain can lead to a need to hydrate. Make sure you have a safeword sorted out, or a nonverbal signal if the submissive will be gagged.

Mood: Make sure that your lighting is right, and you have music in the background. Set everything up in such a way that both you and your partner will be comfortable.

Toys: Any toys you plan to use should be cleaned and laid out beforehand, so that they are easy to get to. This is because stopping a scene to dig for a toy can jar the submissive out of subspace. If possible, it’s best to avoid stopping the scene.

Blankets: Make sure there is a yoga mat or blanket on the floor if you intend to have your submissive kneel for any part of the scene.

These are just general concerns, but obviously there are specifics to consider too. For example, if you are doing anal, you should have lube handy. Always be prepared so that things can go smoothly once the scene begins.

Playing a Scene:

Once it is time to actually play, it’s up to you what you want to do! I can’t tell you what your kink should be. However, I do want to caution you to start slowly, and let sensations build. You don’t want to whip someone full-force right from the start. Perhaps run the whip along their skin first, and then let it fall across them lightly. Just let thinks build up so that you can both have time to make sure that you are okay with what is happening, and so that it isn’t too jarring.

Summary:

In conclusion, the mindset you go into play with is important. I know that isn’t apparent when watching a scene at a dungeon or in a movie. However, I want to assure you that what is going on underneath the surface is every bit as important as what is going on outside of the participant’s heads. Kink is about indulging in fetishes, but it is also about a power exchange taking place below the surface, and without that component it isn’t very exciting or fulfilling for anyone.

Activity for Talking About Sex

March 14, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I already posted Part One and Part Two of the lectures I created on talking about sex (for the speaking workshop I was hired to do.)

However, I thought it would be fun to include the activity as well.

After the lectures, each person gets a copy of the handout below. They are not told what will happen after they complete the handout; only that they should try to be honest.

Once everyone finishes the handout, they are randomly paired with someone else in the workshop. They are meant to communicate their answers to the stranger.

This is good practice, and it’s fun to watch too.

Name:_____________________________

Instructions: Please answer the questions below as honestly as you can.

Should you be monogamous or polyamorous:

1. How would you feel if my partner went out on a date and you were at home alone?

2. How would you feel if my partner developed feelings for another person?

3. How would you feel if my partner decided another relationship was more valuable to him or her, and therefore moved you from the primary position to a secondary position in their life?

How will you ensure good communication:

4. What rules would be have in place to ensure good communication?

5. Have I considered all the possible consequences?

6. Have I decided what risk level is acceptable to me?

7. Have I decided on a plan to make sure that my risk level is met?

Deciding on what you want:

8. What you are hard limits?

9. What are your soft limits?

10. What are things you are unsure about?

11. Are you sure that you are comfortable with this?

12. Are you sure it is fair to ask your partner for this?

13. What are the things that could go wrong, and are you willing to accept responsibility for those things?

Talking About Sex: Part Two

March 7, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Communication

In the kink community, we like to use scene negotiation forms, worksheets, and checklists. I generally make a pot of tea, and then we have tea while discussing the paperwork. This is because there is a lot to consider when you are about to have a kinky threesome with two of the participants gagged and a role play scenario playing out. Vanilla sex is less complicated. Because of this, you may not need paperwork in order to let your partner know what you need.

Things to keep in mind:

1. Use positive language.

Of course this applies to all communication, but it is particularly important when talking about sex, because it is a very sensitive topic for people.

Example of poor communication: “When my ex Mandy used to lick my asshole it was amazing and I want you to do it just like her.”

Why is this an example of poor communication?

Well, for starters, we’re referring to an ex by name, and that can make it more hurtful, as though you are comparing your partner to someone else. It is often less hurtful to say something like: “In the past, I have enjoyed X.”

Now, another way this is hurtful is that the person speaking is throwing the idea in their partner’s face. We shouldn’t do that when raising new ideas or fantasies. Instead we should try to bring up the idea in a more gentle way, such as “Have you ever given any thought to X?”

Finally, let’s remember that we need to give our partner room to say no if something isn’t okay with them. People can be uncomfortable with various things due to past trauma like rape, previous negative experience with the specific thing, and many other factors. If we introduce a new idea, we need to be willing to receive a “no,” and we need to leave room to hear it.

2. Set the right mood.

When there is paperwork, you need light. Hence I try to use my living room as the place to sit, with cozy warm drinks and comfortable furniture.

However, if you are not doing a kink scene negotiation, then you probably don’t need a handout to talk about it. If that is the case, then I recommend having conversations about sex in the dark, in bed. If possible, it helps to be physically touching in some way, although I can understand that when you feel the need to emotionally pull back, you may also feel the need to physically pull back. We can’t always control those involuntary things that are brain makes our body do. However, maintain physical contact if you can, because it helps. Touch is comforting.

I also recommend music, which is something I use. I don’t necessarily use relaxing music, because often I am trying to create a sexy mood and I personally don’t find relaxing music sexy. You may feel differently. It doesn’t matter what you select as long as it’s something that you and your partner both like. It fills in awkward pauses and provides a helpful distraction.

3. Bring all your love and acceptance.

It is wonderful if you can get some or even most of the things that you want from your partner. However, since people are all very different, you will probably never get every single thing you need from one person.

Therefore, you may ask for some things and get a no. Perhaps your partner doesn’t like role-play. Maybe they don’t feel comfortable with spanking. It could be that anal sex just isn’t their thing.

And when you run into a thing that you would like and you ask your partner, it can be easy to feel like you deserve this thing because you got up the courage to ask. This is natural, but it is also wrong. You need to overcome that feeling.

Yes, it takes courage to ask for things.

However, your partner still has a right to say no.

So when you are talking about things you want, remember that you won’t get all of them. Maybe you really want to go to a sex club and switch partners with another couple. But, maybe your partner is not comfortable having sex with strangers and needs to get to know someone first. Well, just because you want to go to a sex club and have sex with a stranger, doesn’t mean that you get to if you want to stay in the relationship. You both have to be okay with it.

When possible, try to find a compromise. In the example above, you wanted to swap partners at a sex club. However, your significant other didn’t feel comfortable with that because they won’t sleep with strangers. So, you can compromise by getting to know a couple first, and then taking then to a sex club and swapping partners. If you’re all into role-play you can even pretend you have never met once you get there.

Summary

The keys to remember are:

1. Get comfortable with the idea of talking about sex.

2. Figure out what you want first.

3. Use positive language, set up a cozy environment, and be prepared to hear “no.”

4. Never stop communicating with your partner, and re-negotiate your sexual interests at least once a year because tastes change over time.

Note: I am sure all of you wonderful people know this already, but I will remind you anyway. Please make sure that you take time to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about them before you talk to them. People can be very sensitive about sex.

Talking About Sex: Part One

February 28, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Note: I am working on a lecture series that I will be giving, but I am also going to put the things I am talking about on the blog, because even though it is for vanilla folks, some of it may help you too!

Figuring Out What You Want

The first step is to figure out what matters to you. This is a big step, because we are all individuals and so we all have different ideas about what is important. In order to effectively communicate with others, you must first look inside yourself and determine where your limits are. That way, you will be able to let other people know. There are several key things that you should determine for yourself when it comes to sex.

1. Do you wish to be monogamous?

This is a question that requires a lot of thought. If you want to be able to have sex with other people, then you also have to be comfortable with your partner having sex with other people. That can be difficult for some people, and so if you think you are curious about polyamory, it’s important to be honest with yourself and your partner and make sure you are not looking for an excuse to “cheat,” but instead have a legitimate interest in both of you perusing loving relationships outside your own.

Good questions to ask yourself:

1. How would I feel if my partner went out on a date and I was at home alone?

2. How would I feel if my partner developed feelings for another person?

3. How would I feel if my partner decided another relationship was more valuable to him or her, and therefore moved me from the primary position to a secondary position in their life?

4. What rules would be have in place to ensure good communication ?

Note: It is okay if you decide to be monogamous. It doesn’t mean that you are not open-minded and interested in sex. Just make sure that you are making a conscious choice to be monogamous or polyamorous. Don’t let yourself be pushed or coerced into anything that you are not comfortable with.

2. What is your comfort level when it comes to STDs?

Some of you may have grown up before this was a big concern, so let me start by telling you that HIV is a big deal, more aggressive strains of Herpes are going around, and there is also an untreatable strain of Chlamydia that has developed. This means the days of just taking a pill if you get something are over, and STDs are a real concern.

Personally, I prefer to exchange STD tests with potential partners prior to having sex with them. This is not a guarantee of safety since some things can take time to show up on a test. However, it is an added layer of safety that helps me to feel more comfortable with new partners.

Now, this is not always possible for me. My partner and I occasionally attend orgies. In those situations, I have to realize that I am taking a risk, and that there may be terrible consequences. We have decided in our relationship that we are okay with occasionally taking this risk if we are attending a sex party together, and we do try to minimize our risk by using condoms. It is still dangerous because many STDs can be spread by skin-to-skin contact. However, we don’t engage in orgies very often, and we feel that an occasional risk is acceptable for the same reason that we are willing to drive cars and fly in airplanes. Sometimes risk is required in order to have fun, and each person must decide for themselves what they consider to be acceptable risks.

Good questions to ask yourself:

1. Have I considered all the possible consequences?

2. Have I decided what risk level is acceptable to me?

3. Have I decided on a plan to make sure that my risk level is met?

Note: Remember that most couples negotiate exceptions so there are not absolute RULES per se. My husband and I trade STD tests with partners before having sexual contact, but we have negotiated an exception for an orgy. This is risky, but it is a risk we have decided that we are okay with on the rare occasion that such a thing comes up.

3. What kind of sex do I want to have?

Some people are very uncomfortable with oral sex. I have found that comfortable levels actually vary widely about a lot of things. In the kink community, we like to talk about “hard limits” and “soft limits.” So for example, you might be completely uncomfortable with the idea of anal sex, but only a little uncomfortable with oral sex. Hard limits are the things that you will communicate to your partner as unbreakable. You refuse to consider doing those things, and you do not want to be asked or have them try to coerce you into them. Soft limits are the things that you may be okay with sometimes, such as a blowjob on Valentine’s Day.

Good questions to ask yourself:

1. What you are hard limits?

2. What are your soft limits?

3. What are things you are unsure about?

* Remember that these things change over time, and it is okay to renegotiate if your feelings on something have changed.

4. What are your fantasies?

Most people have things that they fantasize about, but that they have never done before. Or, perhaps they have tried them before with an ex, but don’t know how to broach the subject with their partner. Fantasies are a healthy part of life, and there is nothing wrong with trying new things that you and your partner may enjoy.

However, please remember that sometimes you have a fantasy, but it might not be a good idea to actually do it. An example might be a gang bang. Maybe the fantasy excites you, but in reality you would be sore and unhappy, and your partner would be hurt. So be honest with yourself about which fantasies you actually want to play out, and which ones are just for fun. You do not have to act on every idea that goes through your head.

Questions to ask yourself:

1. Are you sure that you are comfortable with this?

2. Are you sure it is fair to ask your partner for this?

3. What are the things that could go wrong, and are you willing to accept responsibility for those things?

Example: If your partner has been raped and you ask her to play a rape scene with you, she may agree. However, afterwards she may fall apart in tears. You need to be ready for that possibility and prepared to comfort them.

Summary

So, now that you have asked yourself some really important questions, you have a better idea of what you want and what you are comfortable with. Great! Knowing yourself is important and some people go their whole lives without ever looking inside themselves and exploring their dreams and desires. You are already ahead of the pack!

There are always different things that each person needs to consider, so take some time to reflect/meditate/thought diagram or whatever you do to make sure that you haven’t missed anything. For example, I excluded the complication of children and pregnancy because it isn’t relevant to me. My son is grown, and I am no longer able to have children. In addition, my husband has had a vasectomy, so I don’t have to worry about him getting any of his girlfriend’s pregnant. Therefore, this isn’t a concern in my universe. But your universe may be different. So make sure you haven’t missed anything before you move on to the next step, which is to communicate your desires.

We’ll talk about communicating in Part Two!

Comfort Levels

February 9, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Everyone has really different boundaries.

First, let me use myself as an example:

For sexual contact, I am comfortable with having sex with someone after trading STD tests. I don’t need to go on a bunch of dates or have a complicated set of criteria met. I am happy to have sex with someone I don’t know well if it feels right.

However, for kink I want to know someone better. I want scene negotiations and enough discussions to be sure that we are compatible. Sometimes a person is very easy to talk to, and sometimes I need more time. It varies from person to person.

To be submissive, I need to know and trust someone really well. And, we have to click perfectly on all the things I need. Is that a lot to ask? Yes. But that’s where my comfort zone is.

Where any kind of work or professional relationship is or could be involved, I don’t want to play at all.

Now, that is just me.

Obviously some people will just have sex with a person they met in a bar. These “hookup” types are seemingly comfortable with the risk of STDs, or they don’t care about themselves enough to worry. I respect that they are in a different place than I am, but I could never do that. As someone in a poly relationship, I risk not only my life, but the lives of my husband and his girlfriends. I will never be attracted enough to someone to risk that.

Some people need a lot more time than I do. They want to spend many dates getting to know someone before even going to their home. Particularly for women I understand this, because rape is so common. These women call me “fast” or a “slut,” and I am fine with that.

My point is, comfort zones vary from person to person. I have a friend who thinks psychological play should be easier to consent to than sexual play. Her background makes this perfectly logical, and I respect that she feels that way. For me, I think psychological play is more intimate than sexual play because my mind feels more private to me than my body does. So, on this point we disagree.

However, no one is wrong. We all base our comfort zones on our experience. Since no two people can lead the same life, it isn’t likely you’ll meet anyone with exactly the same boundaries that you have. My advice is always to do your best. Search yourself to determine what is okay for you, and then ask others to respect that.

We’re all kinky in different ways.

magicallydelicioussuperslut

I want to do things to you that you'll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Category Archives: Educational Stuff

Fetish Series: Age Play

Fetish Series

Female Dommes

Introduction to Fetishes

Introduction to Headspace

Activity for Talking About Sex

Talking About Sex: Part Two

Talking About Sex: Part One

Comfort Levels