Category Archives: Educational Stuff

Some Thoughts About Collars

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This post may seem really elementary  However, in light of some questions I have been fielding lately, I feel like sometimes it’s okay to start at square one and try to explain even the simple stuff. I guess I should also remind you all of my usual disclaimer: I am not saying my way is the only one or the best. I’m just sharing what I know. You may do things differently and that’s cool too.

Okay, so let’s talk about collars. They are different for different occasions. When I first started playing with one of my pets, he put my Goth Collar on as a Play Collar… and I didn’t have the heart to correct him because he looked so cute!

So first off, what do I mean by Goth Collar? Here’s an example:

This would be a collar to wear out at a Goth Club

This would be a collar to wear out at a Goth Club

This is not a good collar for play. There are several reasons for this:

1. It’s decorative. I got it at Petco when I was 14, before going to my first Goth Club. I think it was meant to make a pit bull look cool or something. It’s got chains on it that are NOT strong or meant to be pulled on. It’s just meant to look cool.

2. It could be dangerous. Those chains could potentially get caught on something during a scene and that could be very bad for your submissive.

3. It’s too thin to slip fingers under for some light chocking. The edges are able to cut into skin, and that is never good.

The point is, this is a Goth Dress Up Collar. When I want to put my fake dreadlocks in and don some cheap PVC dress and dance at a Goth Club, I wear this collar. It means nothing and has no connection at all to BDSM. I just thought it looked cool.

Now, what kind of collar could you use for play? I recommend a thick collar with rounded edges. It should be designed for BDSM and intended to withstand pulling and such. All rings or chains on it should be strong and intended to be used for scenes- not decoration. In essence, you want something functional. Here’s what I had made by my buddy who does Renaissance Festivals.

A Good Play Collar

A Good Play Collar

Now, you can find sites that do custom collars designed for BDSM all over the internet. I had this one made for my pet after we had been playing for a few months. Note it’s single D-ring, well-anchored to the collar and capable of being used to attach a leash or other bondage equipment. Also note the rounded edges that won’t dig into the skin or leave marks. This is what you want in a play collar.

However, what if you are in a 24/7 power exchange? What if you want to show that your pet belongs to you when they are not in the house playing scenes with you? Well, that is when you need something more subtle and elegant. Here’s a good example from Wyred Slave.

A Collar For Daily Wear

A Collar For Daily Wear

This is a simple braided steel collar with a locking mechanism in the back. It uses a small allen key to open it. This collar is not intended for play. It can not be attached to a leash or cuffs. It’s just for wearing in public, to denote ownership. It’s subtle enough that vanilla people will think it’s just a pretty piece of jewelry, and yet heavy and tight enough to remind a submissive who they belong to as they go to work or out and about.

So now comes the questions about what a collar means. I can not tell you that. It means what you make it mean. I have been part of some formal ceremonies where people were joined in some way and a collar was used to signify their joining or belonging. I have known couples who placed a lot of meaning on the gift of a collar. It can mean a lot of things to a lot of people.

For me, if I have played with a pet long enough that I think I will keep them for a significant length of time, I will have a collar made for them. I don’t always explain to them what it means to me. Sometimes I just tell them I needed a collar in their neck size for when we play. Sometimes I tell them it is meant to show that they are mine. But to me, it always means I have taken them seriously enough to collar them, and that means I will always consider them to be a “pet” of mine. If they ever were to need my help, I would give it. If they ever needed to talk, I would listen. If I have a collar made for a pet, it means I like them enough to consider them part of my life, no matter where I travel or how far away I will be at times.

Again, that’s just me. You will find your own meaning. There is no “right” way to feel about BDSM and the toys we use for it. Everyone has their own definitions and opinions, and that’s okay.

Anyway, the point is that collars are a lot of fun, but you should always make sure you choose the right one for the job.

Various types of collars together

Various types of collars together

What is a play party?

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It's not really related, but here is a penis lizard from Samcheok because it made me laugh- so maybe you'll laugh too.

It’s not really related, but here is a penis lizard from Samcheok because it made me laugh- so maybe you’ll laugh too.

I’m planing a play party, and a lot of people have asked me what that entails. I feel like I have come at how to explain it from every angle, and it’s actually really hard to describe since they are different with every organizer. I thought I should write a post about how I like to do things, just as an example for people.

So first thing’s first, a play party is typically where people bring their toys and let people try them, do show-and-tell, or in some way trade information and ideas.

I happen to know a guy who does amazing shibari and has a suspension rig, so all the play parties since I have met him have involved everyone that wants to getting a chance to get suspended. It’s really awesome.

Typically, I try to make my friends that do cool stuff teach what they know. So, if they’re good with rope, they’ll teach some knots. If they’re good at planing scenes, they’ll talk about that. I had one friend who was just amazing at fire play, and that was always fun to watch. Etc…

I also tend to work with people who will be presenting to create a hand-out, because it seems to me that people are less nervous when they get a piece of paper. I guess it makes it seem more official and less like a bunch of creepy kids doing sexual things in a sweaty room.

Everyone always assumes I am trying to set up on orgy when I first invite them to a party. I am never trying to do that. I have only ever had one orgy, and it wasn’t all that great. I prefer one or two people max- because otherwise I get distracted. But never mind that.

The point is- how does one learn about BDSM? Maybe they read blogs and go to reddit.com and watch videos online. That’s cool. But what happens when that’s not enough any more?  What happens when a person wants to actually see and try things? Well, that’s what a play party is for. I’m not going to claim that I know everything. No one should. Everyone you meet has something that they can teach you. I guess the idea behind a play party is to meet with others in the community and see what they can teach you.

I do demonstrations sometimes, but honestly, I prefer to let other people take the lead. If there is one characteristic of the community that makes me nuts, it’s the way everyone kind of seems to think their way is best. I don’t think my way is best. I think my way is how I do things, and I am happy to let other people do things the way they like. As such, I am always more interested to hear what others have to say.

When I do teach, I tend to give tips on scene negotiation since that is what I am best at. Having worked in a dungeon, I’ve had to talk to people in a frank and blunt way about what they want out of a scene, and then make it happen with the least amount of weird possible (since it was generally with someone I didn’t really know.) That mostly involves asking what they feel the most drawn to in kink, and then building a scene around it.

For example, I had a guy come to me once who was nervous as hell (as they mostly are) and he said he always wanted to be walked like a dog. So then I had to expand on that. That means follow up questions like: Will we play fetch? Shall I pet you and tell you that you are a good dog? Perhaps you would rather I beat you and tell you that you are a bad dog?

When you ask people these types of questions about a fetish they have repressed for a long time, they react in all sorts of unpredictable ways. Some of them giggle nervously and blush. Some get angry out of nowhere. Some are quickly offended because they are expecting judgement. You can never be sure what someone will say when talking about sex. It seems it is the hardest topic to talk about.

So when I do a workshop, I generally focus on talking with people about the idea that sex is not sinful or bad, and about how it’s okay to be frank about what you want. If you want someone to spank you, you have to ask.

I guess my most-used line would be: Those words inside your head? I can’t hear those!

With all that said; a play party will be different with every different person who sets it up. I have been to some where everyone was encouraged to be naked and they all flirted. I have been to some where people had sex in a semi-public setting. I have been to some where people played board games with their clothes on and talked about BDSM eventually- but not much.

The best way to be sure of what you are getting into is to ask. Some good questions to ask an organizer might be:

1. Should I bring toys?
2. Should I plan to take any items of clothing off/ or do people tend to get naked at these parties?
3. Is it mostly couples or single people?
4. What kind of activities can I expect?
5. What kind of clothes will people wear (BDSM or vanilla)?

Of course you should remember that in all settings, pictures are a big no-no. I have never met a group that was okay with cameras. We all have lives and jobs. We have families and/or kids. We can’t run the risk of pictures getting out of us in vinyl or leather at some fetish event.

One last thing I want to mention about play parties: I have set up more than I can count or remember. However, I obviously have never been able to take pictures at an event. That makes it hard when I move, because I have to start all over again with a new crowd of people and build up trust. This drives home an important point: There is no shortcut to trust. In the community we are all a little paranoid so be patient with people. None of us wants to be exposed as kinky without our permission.

Limits

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This would be fine at a club or maybe even at a park at night, but during the day in a park full of children, can’t we all admit it’s rude?

This post is one that has been welling up in my brain for awhile. I have been doing my best not to say anything, but sometimes I just can’t force myself to be silent on an issue. So here’s the thing- the internet is full of people with very little experience in the world of BDSM, but with really big mouths.

Sure, there are amazing people like Midori, who actually are helping to educate the world and make BDSM more palatable to the masses. I am thankful for people like that, and I never wrote anything before this blog because I always figured there were enough people like her out there, fighting for acceptance and teaching safe and fun ways to play.

However, there is a very dangerous group that is not helping, and they are mostly only online.

I want to stress that at munches and dungeons, I have only met sane people who do not speak of play without emphasizing safety and consent. I have been out and about all over the world, and all the people I have met have been wonderful and kind.

Yet on the internet, it seems people get stupid. The community of reddit has a forum devoted to BDSM, and don’t dare suggest there are logical limits to play in THAT forum! I can’t believe how much I have been chewed out for being the only sane person in a room of crazy.

Here is an example: The picture above shows a Dominatrix and her submissive out in a public park where children can walk around and be exposed to this blatant display of BDSM. I understand that a lot of people get off on throwing who they are in other’s faces. I know a lot of people are into exhibitionism and that is their kink. I respect all different kinds of people and their right to play.

However, when you play in public, you are exposing everyone around to your sexual fantasies. When the photographer who took this picture flipped out on me for saying it made the community look bad, I couldn’t believe how many people were ready to jump on the bandwagon and agree.

No one I have ever met at a dungeon would say such a thing. No one I have ever met at a dungeon would do such a thing. I assure you, as someone who has been in the kink scene for more than half my life, people hate us when we throw our lifestyle in their faces and no one who really cares about the community wants to breed hate for what we do.

I’d like it if we could all agree to keep BDSM in dungeons like the CSPC and in private homes. I’d like it if we could all agree that daytime, in a public park around children, it’s not cool to have your slave polish your boots.

Also, online there are a lot of people that talk about how totally okay and safe breath play and blood play and other such things are.

Now look; I’m not trying to tell you how to be kinky and I’m not trying to step on your toes. If you want to fuck a grandmother while sucking on your boyfriend’s toes and eating cheese- then do your thing (assuming everyone consents and is cool with it.) Seriously people- do your thing.

I remember when I was 16 and I saw my first hook suspension and I cringed. The skin stretched at least 14 inches off the guys’ back when he was lifted up and the blood that dripped down from the holes in his back looked so freaky… I was pretty horrified at first. But over time I started to think it was pretty cool and have seen several suspensions from groups like Life Suspended since then. A lot of kink can grow on you, like suspension did on me.

And some kink has never grown on me. Adult diapers and baby play is one example of stuff that, while I am not opposed to it, I wouldn’t seek out or watch porn of it.

However, I am never going to pretend that all kink is safe and okay. There is lots of stuff that I think should be discouraged. I don’t think we have to tell people that drinking blood from random people is okay. Yes, we’re supposed to be open and accepting. Yes, we’re a group of people on the outside of society and so we shouldn’t act exclusive and we shouldn’t judge people. That’s all very true. AND YET, some people do take things too far and it’s okay to say so. If those people are putting themselves in danger, or if they they are making the community look bad and making life harder for all of us, it’s okay for us to have a problem with that.

We should be kind to each other. We should do our best to remember that we are on the same side. And when someone is acting unreasonably or unsafe, we should be able to say so.

I see a lot of common sense and decency from people in person. Let’s not loose it in online groups, and let’s make sure to call out the trolls encouraging stupid things.

PS- Portfolio of photographer from above here: http://jehy.carbonmade.com/

How to hit on a girl

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It’s great if you want to get whipped. It’s just not a good pick-up line.

 

As requested by a reader, here is something I’ve been mulling over for awhile. This is how to hit on a kinky girl…

On my fetlife profile, I get a lot of people who message me to say things like “I’ve been a very naughty boy and I need to be punished.” Or “I want you to tie me up and fuck me, Mistress.”

This is not from people I know or even from people who are my friends. This is just from random people who happened to see my profile and decide to introduce themselves in this way. Every time, I can not help but wonder if they are serious. Do these guys actually sit at home in front of their computer and think that those are good pick-up lines? Do they actually think I will stop in my tracks and say “My, I certainly am busy, but I’d better drop what I am doing and go spank this stranger.” In what universe does that sound realistic or sane?

I also know from talking to people that many girls who list themselves as submissive have the problem of men sending messages like “What’s up slut? I want to tie you up and shove my balls in your face.”

Both groups of people often send cock pictures along with their graceless pick up lines. I’ll be honest, that last bit is something I happen to appreciate. I really prefer about 7 inches, and it’s pretty disappointing when you spend all this time getting to know a guy, only to find out he has a tiny penis that’s not big enough to reach your G-spot. And yes, I am also disappointed when they are too big. There are guys out there with cocks that are huge, and those are hard on my various internal organs if I choose to put them inside me. The sending of a cock picture helps me to avoid accidentally wasting time on a guy I’ll just be disappointed with later. It’s still not a good way to start a conversation. It’s still rude. It’ll still turn most girls off. I’m just saying that I personally happen to find them a handy tool.

Oh- but I am pretty baffled when a guy sends me a cock picture and it’s tiny and hangs to the right or something. If that’s what you have to open with… well… sorry for you.
My point is, this is not the way to hit on girls.

If you want to get a girl’s attention, you need to do the same thing you would on the street. You need to start a conversation. Not about your balls or how you want to cum on her face. Kinky does not equal porn star or slut. You need to start a normal conversation. Read her profile. Does it say she’s into books? Do you like books too? Okay great! Say “Hey, I noticed you like books. I like books too. What is your favorite book?”

I know his seems like a radical idea, but in order to get a girl to pay attention to you, it’s important that you talk to her like a girl and not a hooker.

A submissive might enjoy being called a whore during sex. She might enjoy objectification and degradation. However, in my experience, the people who enjoy that stuff in the bedroom are twice as likely as a normal girl to demand respect outside the bedroom. As a general rule, you should just treat everyone with respect and pay attention to what they say.

Yes, a point will come when you will need to discuss what a potential partner is into. Perhaps at that time, it would be okay to say you would like to be spanked. However, you should be patient and wait until you know one another.

Oh, and one last thought, I understand if you don’t want to show your face in a profile picture. Maybe you’re a lawyer or in the military or a teacher. Maybe you don’t want to end up in the news. Fair enough. If you don’t want people to see your face, you could still have pictures of you turned away from the camera, or something that gives a general idea of what you look like. Just please don’t do a naked picture as your profile. Lots of guys do the neck-down nude as a profile picture their first time on fetlife. This is a big turn-off for most girls, even if you look really good naked. So please, keep your clothes on in your main profile picture.

Movies you might like

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It’s come to my attention that movies with BDSM themes can be helpful to those getting into the community. I jumped in feet first myself, with no idea what all what I was getting into. But, I agree that starting with some reading and movies is probably much better. So with that in mind, here are some movies you might like:

First, Walk All Over Me is actually pretty funny, though not all that realistic and a bit out of date by now (the whole VHS tape thing made me giggle!) Also I think I just giggle at Canadian movies in general.
Of course The Story of O is good too. I don’t think there is anything like the castle in the movie, but there are dungeons like the CSPC in Seattle where you can go and bond with other subs.

Everyone considers The Secretary a classic. I don’t think it’s the most healthy relationship ever, but then, the problem with movies is that they never seem to show BDSM relationships that are healthy and sane.

If you’re okay with subtitles, Sex and Zen is pretty good. It’s just a lot of reading. Still, it seems like BDSM Asia-style is pretty cool.

That’s just a few ideas to start you off. I should also compile a list of better books than 50 shades of Grey, which I promise to get on top of soon. Right now I’m swamped under the planing of a huge Halloween party and I have very little time to write.