Author Archives: magicallydelicioussuperslut

Home Safe

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I am sure I will have lots to tell you about my adventures in Australia soon. However, backpacking takes its toll on me, and so I need some time to rest.

I just wanted to check in and let you all know that I made it home to Guam today, safe and sound. It was an extremely long trip and lots of it was awesome. I will definitely be writing about it soon! But right now, it’s time to catch up and sleep and take a few warm baths until I finally feel clean again (because even in nice hostels, you never quite get clean enough.)

Look for posts about my adventures in the next week or two!

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Where You Live Matters

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I live in Guam right now.

It is a tiny island in the middle of nowhere, and you have to zoom in a long way to see it on Google maps.

The island of Guam only has around 170,000 people on it, and many of them are military (so often only available for short amounts of time.)

This makes kink difficult for two reasons:

1. Kinky people are always a percentage of the population, so the lower the population, the lower the number of kinky people.

2. Tiny communities mean that everyone knows everyone, so events are difficult and terrifying for locals because no one wants to run into their aunt or brother at a munch.

This means that living on Guam has been kind of a bummer for us.

My husband and I are the sort of people who feed off the energy of other people. In the absence of our community (for munches and fetish proms and dungeon time), it is hard to feel kinky. Sometimes we start to feel like two normal married people, and it’s like huge parts of ourselves have gone numb.

I don’t want to disparage Guam. It’s beautiful. I have been able to make friends with sea turtles and enjoy empty beaches and quiet time (since we’re not overrun by tourists like most tropical islands are.)

I have no right to complain about living in such a beautiful place. I am able to enjoy coral, fish, and reefs filled with beauty and warm water that stretch on for miles. If you want to go on a vacation, Guam is  great place to do it.

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However, as a kinky person, I do feel very much like I lost myself.

I have loved being in dungeons and at kink events since I was 14. I have loved the clothes, the people, and the play. It was all such a big part of my life for so long and it always felt good.

I remember thinking that it didn’t matter where we got sent after I was in Oregon, because one thing I learned teaching in South Korea is that there are kinky people everywhere. I never thought I would have to be without my community.

And then we came to Guam, and I realized that it’s too small for events and the few munches were spoiled by this one creepy guy, and this girl who was insufferable.

Note: Please don’t think I am being unfair. I don’t judge people lightly. I am a tolerant person and I mostly love everyone, but there are things that go too far. I will go into detail so that you can see what kind of behavior turns people off:

Creepy Guy: Refused to listen when others asked him to stop describing the complications he experienced during anal training right down to the color of his runny poop. Also hit on every single male and female that he encountered regardless of their orientation, relationship status, or interest. And, constantly talked about how desperate he was to be dominated by anyone.

Insufferable Girl: Cut everyone off no matter who was talking or what they were saying so she could talk about herself. Had nothing interesting to say about herself. Insisted constantly that she was beautiful and the best sub ever and needed to be bought cars and minks and shoes because of how wonderful she was. Literally interrupted everyone at the munch to go on and on about how wonderful she was and how we should all buy her things.

There are almost always a few bad apples at a public munch, so that in and of itself shouldn’t mean much, but the problem is that outside of those two, there were only six of us (three couples.) And we three do get together, of course. But it’s not the same as a community with events.

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We found out recently that we are moving to Oahu, and I admit, it’s not ideal. It’s another island and so there will be no road trips to the next state over for some fabulous event.

On the other hand:

1. There are nearly a million people there, so there are bound to be more kinky folks on Oahu than there are on Guam.

2. It’s less remote so it’s much easier to get flights from there to other places.

So, I feel like this is a step closer to having a community again. I can’t tell you how much that matters to me! The last three and a half years on Guam have definitely proven to me that I need my community.

I know that some people (who have access to a community of kinky people) will say “You’re better off without the drama.” And yes, I know there is always going to be nonsense when there is a group of people.

In Korea, I actually had a nemesis that I had no idea about until after I left. I guess I had planned an event in Seoul on the same weekend that she had planned one in Daegu (a city to the south.) Now, I did check the Seoul pages to see if there were any other events before picking a date, since I didn’t want to step on any toes. But it never occurred to me to check every obscure city in the country for events before planning my own.

This girl felt personally slighted because no one came to her event and she blamed me.

The rest of the time I was in Korea, though I had no idea, she was furious every single time I threw a play party, munch, or fetish prom.

In fact, she even came to one of my events once and (instead of confronting me about her feelings) was an enormous bitch to everyone. I think her name was Cat or something. I have no idea. But what I do know is, she hated me for years. And when I left, she threw a party to celebrate it.

So TRUST ME, I get that there is drama. I get that more people = more problems.

The universe has not given me the gift of being ignorant of how difficult a community can sometimes be. (Although in the case of Daegu girl I actually was ignorant since no one told me about it until after I left Korea.)

The point is, I know communities can be a hassle.

And yet, it means the world to me to have access to one.

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The thing is, community is so important. You look out there at society and all you see are normal relationships mirrored in every aspect of culture. They are all monogamous vanilla people just going about their lives being dull and boring.

For people like us, there is no model. I am bisexual. My husband is hetero-flexible. Neither of us are the slightest bit into gender at all. We’re kinky. And, we’re polyamorous.

People like us are not represented in the media, in culture, or in others that we meet. There are no goofy sitcom episodes about how a couple goes through a kink slump after living together for a while because comfort and BDSM do not always mix easily. There is no relationship guru radio show to call in to and talk about making space for kink in your life. There are not movies about poly couples happily chatting about their dates when they get home at night.

We are not reflected in what you see in advertising, media, entertainment, or your office Christmas party.

Without community, we are totally alone.

When we feel lost or need advice, there is no one to go grab tea with. I would give anything to have a fellow Dom to just get beers with from time to time and talk about shit. But this is Guam, and we are one of the most remote islands on Earth.

I have struggled with my isolation every day that I have lived on Guam, and I am so excited for it to be over.

So wish me luck on Oahu. I hope I meet amazing people there. But more than that, I hope you all appreciate your communities wherever you are, because it’s awful to be without one. Friends who are like you matters so much more than I can express.

Enticing Your Dom

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Why doesn’t my Dom play scenes as much?

I get very few questions from submissives, which may be simply due to their nature, or which may be due to my own. Either way, a charming women asked me:

“When we were dating, we used to play scenes all the time. Now that he moved in with me, my Dom almost never sets up scenes for me. Why is that?”

I had to probe a little bit further into the relationship to get a clear picture of why that would be, but here is what it comes down to:

1. Change in Behavior

The submissive used to write these long, heartfelt essays to her Dom about how much she loved this or that element of a scene. She did this is the time that she was sitting alone at her apartment. When her Dom did come to see her, she always made sure to wear cute clothes and act as sexy as possible. In other words: She used to be grateful and she used to aim to impress.

However, once her Dom moved in, she stopped writing to him (since she was never alone at home missing him anymore.) And, she stopped prancing around trying to impress him because he was always around and keeping that up 24/7 is exhausting.

The Problem: 

Submissive folks may not realize this, but getting into a Dominant headspace requires ego. Someone has to be stroking your ego to make you want to set up and play out a scene. It’s a lot of work to get a playlist you like, set up the toys and the space, and then get into the headspace needed to truly dominate someone and be in total control.

It’s harder still to do all of that with someone that you have come to love, because the very comfort that love provides runs counter to feelings of dominance.

If a submissive used to write kinky love letters and act cute and then they stop, then all activity that prompted feelings of Dominance is gone. You are effectively expecting your Dom to do all of the work, but you are not doing any yourself.

Don’t worry. We all get lazy in relationships sometimes. It’s understandable. However, if you get lazy, then you should not be surprised if your Dom gets lazy too.

The Solution: 

Every kinky couple that I know who is still going strong has a sub who has never stopped trying to please their master. He/she is always vocal about wanting to serve, and they have continued the behaviors that made their Dom want to set up scenes for them in the first place.

Maybe you feel like there are things that have come up in the relationship that have caused you to feel resentful. Maybe because of those things, you have stopped trying to be appealing to your Dom. This can happen.

However, if you want them to be inspired to tie you down and play with you until you scream, then you have to give them something first: Respect and some ego stroking. That is the trade-off, and there is no way around it. No one is just going to set up scenes for you and make you feel magical if you aren’t doing anything for them. Relationships involve give and take, not just taking. (Even vanilla relationships involve effort by both partners.)

2. Keep It Fresh

Let’s say that your Dom had a lot of toys when you met. Let’s say that those toys are fun, but that they are getting a little boring for your Dom and so they are less interested in playing with them. I mean, how many times can you get excited by the same old flogger? Not many.

And then there is the matter of you, dear submissive. How have you tried to please your master today? Is it the same old way as always? Did you just ask if they wanted a back rub or offer to go down on them? If it’s tired, then they are tired of it.

Worse, sometimes a sub will turn their master down any time they bring up a new idea, forever insisting that anything new is a “hard no” and “outside their comfort zone.”

The Problem: 

Your Dom is a human being. Human beings are bored by routines. If you don’t offer anything new, or say no to all their ideas for something new, then they are going to stop wanting to play. That is not unusual and if you are surprised by this, you are being naive.

The Solution: 

First, consider buying your master a new toy for a special occasion such as Valentine’s day. Dress cute, set a nice mood, and present them with a new whip or a new set of cuffs, and tell them that you would be honored if they used the new item on you.

Next, try something new. If you are always offering to rub their shoulders, mix it up and ask if you can comb/brush their hair. If you are the sentimental type, bake them a cake or create some sort of memento to honor an anniversary or special occasion. Find some new way of expressing your feelings of submission and adoration.

And finally, stop saying no. So many submissives turn down all new ideas in a relationship because they are comfortable. Don’t do that. Or, if you have to, then come up with a counter offer. Example: He asks to fist your ass. You think you have not worked your way up to that and that even your big butt plug is not that big. Okay. That is fair. But come up with a counter proposal. Example: “Well, I think that might really hurt me, but I would be willing to try a bigger butt plug or wear a tail for you.”

3. Make Space for Kink

A lot of times, a couple who does not live together will look forward to playing a kink scene and have lots of alone time to set it up or get ready to go be part of it. They can text and talk about how excited they are, and what they want to do. They have time to think, plan, and fantasize.

The Problem: 

Once you live together, you are having the mundane moments together as well. Now, don’t get me wrong! I live life in the mundane. I love little moments when I am cooking with my husband, or cuddling while watching TV after dinner. The non-sexual moments that you share are so important, because they help shape so much of who you are as a couple. They matter.

However, those moments fill up your days, and you find that there never seems to be a “right time” to engage in kink. Sex might happen organically when you go to bed, but a whole scene with all the toys, music, etc might not.

Side Note: I think even when kinky people have “vanilla” sex, they are still enjoying power dynamics and having more fun than vanilla people.

Still, you might find that as comfort and love creep in, there seems to be less time and space for kink.

The Solution: 

You need to make space in your relationship for kink. For me, eating a meal with my husband involves watching TV because I am one of the those psychotic people who hates the sound of chewing. The cooking, eating, and watching TV is comfortable and makes it impossible to get into the kink headspace.

To solve this, I told him that some days he should let me know that he would eat on the way home. That way, we can eat separately and meet up just for sex.

Conclusion:

These are just a few suggestions. And of course, each relationship is different. What works for one couple may not work for another. The key is to be honest about what you want, and for your partner to be honest about what they want. Then you just work to have it together.

Getting Someone Into Kink

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Question: How do I get my significant other into kink?

I got a lot of questions over the holiday season from readers that went something like this:

“I got my wife a bunch of kink toys for Christmas. How do I get her to use them with me? She’s not into kink, but I want her to be.”

After sighing deeply and feeling extremely sorry for those women, I wrote back to say the following:

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First, put the sex toys in the closet and go buy your wife something she actually wanted. It is the height of assholery to buy someone else a present that is actually for you. If you think that is okay, then you are a bad person and you should not be allowed to date until you figure out how to be less selfish.

Okay, so now that we have that out of the way, how do you get someone to be interested in kink?

Well, you need to stop talking in terms of your own wants, and start talking in terms of the other person’s wants.

Remember that changing the behavior of another person means that you have to appeal to them. Trying to force someone to do something because you want it only leads to resentment down the road (which is how you ruin your relationship in slow motion.)

So, ask your partner what they want. Then listen. Then build on it.

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Unfortunately this advice has been misunderstood by others. I thought it was pretty straightforward, but it turns out that I was wrong. So let me be very explicit this time:

Take your partner to dinner. Take them home and have considerate and loving sex with them. Make sure they have an orgasm. (Which, as I have said before, does not happen from just penetration so use your tongue or a vibrator on her clit for that to happen.)

After sex when you are laying in the dark basking in the glow of happy feelings that you get after sex, ask them about their fantasies. Probe them gently about what they think about when they are alone. Do they think any toys sound interesting? Are they curious about the stuff from that book that all women read that was a shitty representation of BDSM but which did involve some spanking and whipping?  Have they ever wondered about what other things you two might be able to do?

No matter what they ask for: Say YES!

This is so important. If your significant other asks you to fist them, or have a threesome with a guy, or anything at all, you say yes and you do it. Never ever tell them “no” about their sexual fantasies or they will not share more. Say “yes,” and then do whatever they asked you to do.

The reason for this is that sex is a rabbit hole. Once you start to experiment, it just keeps going. If your partner tries something they dreamed of and it makes them happy, then they will feel like fantasies really can come true. This will lead to other fantasies. In time, the experimentation will lead to more and more “hard core” things, and soon you will be able to take those toys you bought out of the closet and she will be excited to try them.

Now, I wrote back saying this to the men who asked me. You would think they would say: “Thank you for the advice.” However, you would be wrong. To a man, they told me that I was wrong, and that their wife/partner was perfectly happy with the boring sex they always have. One guy actually said to me:

“My wife was a virgin when we met and she is totally satisfied right now with the sex that we are having. She always has been. It’s just me that is bored.”

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All I can say is:

You are lying to yourself, but that doesn’t mean I like it when you lie to me.

Your wife is bored. She is bored out of her goddamn mind. I know this because studies have shown that women get bored with sex far quicker than men do. In one study, men were asked if they still enjoyed having sex with their wives. They mostly said that they never got tired of fucking their wives, and even though they might have fantasized about variety from time to time, it did not mean that they didn’t want to keep fucking their wives.

Actually it comes up again and again. In studies of why men cheat, they always say that it is not because they stopped loving their wife, or that they stopped wanting to have sex with her. They simply wanted variety. However, they still wanted to fuck their wives.

The same is not true for women. Women get bored very easily. This may be down to biology. It has been suggested that all women want to be gang-banged by as many men as possible so that the best sperm can win and create the best offspring. Or, it may simply be down to men being bad at sex (not knowing how to get a woman off and joking about the “myth of the female orgasm.”)

Many women do say that they didn’t know how to tell their husband that they were stick of him pounding away and then going “Did you cum?” After all, of course they didn’t! That is not how women get off. Some of the poor dears don’t even know how they get off, and they think an orgasm is just “feeling nice” so they imagine that they have had one. I have talked to these women and tried to explain that, “No sweety, you are supposed to have a climax just like your husband. It’s not a ‘good feeling’ at all. It’s an orgasm. It’s an amazing feeling.”

Whatever the case, women initiate nearly 70% of all divorces now, and leading psychologists theorize that this is due to a lack of sexual satisfaction which makes them feel like they have “fallen out of love” with their husbands. In many cases, they really haven’t fallen out of love; they are just sick of having bad sex. Many women who initiate divorces say “My vibrator actually gets me off, and it doesn’t expect me to do its laundry.”

I would suggest that men are in denial. They watch porn and have a false idea of how women achieve orgasm, and this is the main reason (in my experience) that women initiate most divorces.

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The point: No, your wife is not “perfectly satisfied.” It takes a lot more to satisfy a woman than it does to satisfy a man (which is why I got lazy and married a man.) Your wife will never be perfectly satisfied, which is why you need to constantly work to keep things interesting if you want to keep her.

I have been extremely interested over the last 30 years or so as I watched the entire discussion around marriage shift. It used to be something that women wanted, and men didn’t. Now there is new research showing that, due to the societal expectations placed on women in marriage, it is no longer desirable to them. They are expected to work full-time jobs, and still do most of the housework and childcare. They are expected to give up their identity by taking their husband’s name, and also give that name to any children they have (even though they literally make those children inside their own bodies.)

Women have started reading about how other cultures do not force women to take their husband’s names, and cultures where children belong to the women without question, since she makes them. They are reading about sperm cells made from their own bone marrow, meaning that men are no longer necessary to have children at all. And, they are realizing that boyfriends bring over flowers and chocolate, while husbands snore and make a mess.

This is probably why women who are married are less healthy, and why they report lower levels of happiness than their single counterparts.

Meanwhile, married man lived longer and reported higher levels of happiness.

I was so shocked by the guy who said that his wife was “perfectly satisfied” and I actually still haven’t written back. I was just so blown away by the level of denial that he was in, and by the absolute lack of understanding of his place in a changing society.

Side Note: When I married my husband he was pretty boring in bed, too. Don’t take it from me, because he will admit it as well. I painstakingly trained him over the course of about a year. And now, when I whore him out to my friends, they don’t have enough nice things to say. It’s wonderful when people appreciate your hard work, isn’t it? So ladies, please train men instead of throwing them away after faking an orgasm. If we all work together, we CAN teach them how to stop sucking in bed.  

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So listen up, men:

Statistically speaking, your wife likely dreams of being fucked by man after man in an endless succession. She probably dreams about each of them going down on her and licking the cum of the previous man away while stimulating her clit until she comes again and again (because we can have multiple orgasms.)

She probably thinks she is falling out of love with you every time she starts to get bored in bed because you are just sticking your cock in, pumping until you get off, and then falling asleep. And, according to statistics, it is more likely that she will end up leaving you than that you will ever leave her.

Your wife probably has more fantasies than you do about a wider variety of things, and she probably read 50 Shades of Grey and wanted someone to spank her, whip her, and eat her out like it was their job even while she was on her period.

Please stop acting like your wife could not possibly be bored.

AND, you are a shitbag if you get her sex toys that you want for Christmas. Buy her some damn jewelry and give her the sex toys only when she brings them up. And stop writing to me and saying stuff that makes me absolutely shocked at how shitty most men are.

Side note: My husband, on the other hand, would prefer that you keep writing to me saying shitty things that prove how clueless most men can be. He knows that as long as you keep making all other men look like complete jackoffs, I will keep being grateful to have him. 

 

Boyfriend

If you Google “Boyfriend” the first thing that comes up is a happy couple where the women looks like she is in love.

 

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If you Google “husband” you get a women trying to talk to a man and him looking annoyed. This is because we all know that many women get unhappy in marriages.

 

A Funeral For 2017

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My husband and I have a tradition we call Haunt the Holidays. Halloween is our favorite holiday, so we add a little bit of creepiness to all of our holidays. I am perfectly happy to celebrate 2018, but right now I am having a funeral for 2017.

I don’t do depressing funerals though, so we’re having an Irish Wake for the year. We’ll talk about the good things and the bad things and tell funny stories. And of course, we’ll drink.

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Anyway, 2017 was pretty good for me. I hope it was for all of you.

To those who celebrate the Western Calendar, Happy New Year tomorrow! And for those who celebrate the Eastern Calendar, Happy New Year in a few months!

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And now I am off to Sydney, Australia to see some friends.

Hopefully I will be able to go to a munch or connect with some kinky people while I am in Sydney. That way I will have some fun things to write about when I get back.

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They’re Tied Up: What now?

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Pre-Scene Ritual

So first, there are pre-scene things you should do. I have written about them before. They are things like discussing scene ideas with your partner, making a welcoming setting with music and toys laid out, and attending to personal grooming such as cutting finger nails and filing off the rough edges. Particularly when bringing in a new person who wasn’t into kink, I recommend a BDSM checklist as part of your pre-scene preparations.

Over time, these pre-scene things often become a ritual which helps you to get into the right head space for kink. Getting into the right head space is really important, so focus on making your pre-scene ritual a time when you gear up for what you want to do.

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Restraints

For most submissives, some sort of restraint is required to get them into their head space. So, you’ll want to consider your options. You can always go quick and dirt and tie someone up with gear ties. They are great on a budget and they are really effective. I use them a lot, because even after 20 years in the scene, I am not trying to be fancy.

That’s just me. You do you. But there is sometimes beauty in simplicity.

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If you want to put more effort into the restraints part, you can buy cuffs and clips and go that route. There are lots of different kinds of restraints if you are willing to spend the money. Spreader bars can be used between cuffs, as well as chains. And you can always clip the cuffs directly to one another if you feel like making your sub into a pretzel for a little while.

You might go all out and make or buy furniture to attach cuffs to. Spanking benches, stocks, and St. Andrew’s Crosses can all be fun. Of course, furniture can also be extremely pricey and take up a lot of space. It’s hard to hide from children, too. Because of this, furniture isn’t for everyone.

If you can’t have furniture at home, remember to look up local dungeons online. You may find that there is somewhere within driving distance where you can try out a sex swing, cross, or spanking bench.

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If you want to be really, really fancy, you can learn shibari and make tying your sub up a prominent part of the scene. This works fine all on its own, or it can be done in conjunction with installing hard points around the house to suspend your sub from or to tie them to.

Remember that shirabi can be dangerous and you can really hurt people if you do it wrong, so learn from competent professionals online or at your local dungeon.

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Scene Ideas: Orgasms

Once your sub is restrained in the method of your choosing, you can move on to other things. If your sub is a girl, I highly recommend that you start with orgasms. People can withstand a lot more pain if they are in a state of arousal. Personally, I am not lucky enough to be one of those girls that can get off from vibration. We’re all different and that is just my cross to bear. And, since fingers are too rough, I require direct clitoral stimulation with a tongue.

Some of my favorite scenes where I was the submissive started with a few orgasms from some very devoted boys who had talented tongues. God bless all the fabulous boys and girls who love to eat pussy. You are the real heroes.

If your girl is lucky enough to get off from vibration, you have options! There are lots of vibrators on the market. However, just skip them all and get the magic wand. I have played with a lot of girls, and I know that it’s a matter of force. The magic wand has the most force behind it, and therefore it does the best job. I know some men get hung up on big vibrators (“It’s bigger than my dick and I don’t like that.”) But just get over it because her orgasms aren’t about you.

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Remember: Unlike men, women only need a minute or two in between orgasms. So you only need to take a brief pause instead of a 20 minute rest.

If your sub is a boy, you don’t want to let him have an orgasm. Men cum, and then they wilt. It’s really boring. That doesn’t mean you can’t tease him. You can! But if you let him have an orgasm, that will probably require a long pause in the scene or be the end of it.

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Scene Ideas: Impact Play

There are lots of different things that you can use for impact play. Be creative if need be! A wooden spoon from the kitchen is a totally valid toy for impact play, as are books in place of paddles. If you are on a budget or if you are traveling, you can use anything.

I have some homemade toys, which were gifts from people (because DIY BDSM can be fun.) For example, I have a ping pong paddle given to us by friends. They covered it with a plastic material with the word “Pet” cut out of it, because that is what I call my husband. They also gave us a homemade whip which is from a material that looks like faux alligator skin.

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I go for simple with restraints. I like gear ties. However, when it comes to impact play, I love my whips and floggers. I think for me, the look of the toys themselves is one of my fetishes. I love the way a flogger looks draped over a chair. I love the way it looks being slowly dragged across someone’s skin. I love the way it looks flying through the air. They are beautiful toys, and from the first time I saw my first flogger, I have been totally hooked.

Remember that with whips and floggers, a steady pace and a figure eight motion is best. Start slow and gradually build intensity over time. With paddles you can also build intensity, or you can go hard and take breaks in between.

The key is really to watch your sub. I had a girl who wanted me to straight-out beat on her for as long as I could with a flogger. The harder, the better. I hit her until my arms were sore and she begged for more. However, some subs are more into the suspense than the actual pain. For them, you want to pause a lot to let them absorb the fact that they are restrained and being hit, and let them enjoy it. It’s often more the idea than the pain, so keep that in mind.

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Scene Ideas: Pushing Your Sub

You also want to do things to push the limits of your submissive. This can mean face-fucking them until they cry. It can mean tightening the nipple clamps until they scream. It can mean working your way from inserting a finger to inserting your entire fist. Get a violet wand and electrocute them in various sensitive areas.

Your goal as a Dominant is to put your submissive into sub space. The restraints are a good start, and so are all the other toys and play. But in the end, you are probably going to need to push their limits in some way in order to really push them into the head space that they want to see.

Remember: You should never push them beyond the boundaries that you have agreed on in your scene negotiations. If they say “no fisting” then you don’t do it. 

However, within the boundaries that your sub has set, it is good to push them as much as you can so that they feel properly abused.

This can mean different things to different people, so you may want to Google and go through lists with your sub and talk about new and different ideas.

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Scene Ideas: Untie Your Sub

Of course the stereotype for BDSM is tying people up and hitting them. It’s what they write about in all the books. However, anything at all can be kinky if you do it in a kinky head space. You may untie your sub and tell them to serve you a glass of lemonade because you need a break. As long as they get the glass, pour the lemonade, and present it to you in the mindset of a sub, it’s still part of the scene. In fact, service-oriented subs often love the chance to make you a sandwich, pour you a drink, serve you your food, and then rub your feet while you eat.

Don’t be bound by the restraints. I know it’s easy to get that way if you learned about kink from popular culture. However, kink is a mindset. Anything at all can be kinky if you make it that way.

Order your sub to kneel for you so you can use them as a foot stool while you watch TV. Order them to rub your feet. Order them to do the helicopter with their penis if they are a boy, or to bounce their boobs for you if they are a girl. Whatever you can think of that would be degrading to them can be fun.

Some people prefer to call this “training,” (as in teaching your sub how to crawl around.) I think this has been built up a lot in books, but it’s not everyone’s fantasy. Personally, I find it to be cumbersome and not as interesting as watching a girl cum over and over or watching a boy squirm while I hit him. However, some subs read a lot of Anne Rice and really want to be “trained.” So, that is another “off leash” activity, if you will pardon the borrowing of a dog-training expression.

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Scene Ideas: Talk

Remember that falling into silence is often the mark of a lazy Dom. Most subs prefer you to talk to them. For example, if you are torturing them by stretching them wide open, maybe narrate as you do.

“Oh look, now I have three fingers in your tight little pussy. I bet you like that, you little slut. And now we’re up to four fingers. Do you like that? Oooo, now I have my whole fist inside of you. I bet you love being stretched open like the whore that you are.”

That kind of thing can help to  make a sub feel like they are being included in the scene. Sometimes a sub can disassociate and disengage (so it’s almost like everything is happening to someone else.) Talking to them keeps them with you in the scene, and forces them to confront the things that are happening to them. That can help push them into sub space more quickly.

Now of course, check with your sub about this. Not all of them like to be talked to. Some prefer to disengage from a scene and just let things happen to them. This is why BDSM is not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing where you can use the same moves on everyone. Each person will have different preferences, and part of the fun of kink is learning the ways that new people want to be tortured.

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After Care

The most important part is After Care. Make sure that you cuddle your sub after each scene. Let them come down from the endorphins.

Once they are calm, it’s always a good idea to talk though the scene and see how they felt about various parts of it. If they felt really excited by the violet wand, but really turned off by the animal-tail butt plug, you want to know that for next time.

A lot of times I run into guys on fetlife.com or on dating websites who want to just play one scene or just have a one-night stand. This is antithetical to everything kink, in my opinion. A good kink relationship involves getting to know someone and learning to know them. A sub has to get to know me to know the right way to get me off. A have to know them to know the right way to hit them. It all takes time, and learning and negotiating is part of the fun.

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Women Get Bored Too

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I was talking to a guy on Fetlife who is married, but whose wife doesn’t know he is on there. Basically he messaged me to ask if he could come to an event, admitted that he has a wife, and said he would lie to her about coming.

He seemed to think that people on Fetlife should have no problem with cheating, (because obviously kinky people have no morals?) I was pretty offended (obviously) by that bit. So I told him:

You should tell your wife. Kinky people are not cool with infidelity.

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However, let’s set the issue of morals aside. There is something else I want to talk about.

This guy said that his wife was perfectly happy in their marriage, and that she was not kinky or curious. He said she was a virgin when they got together, and she is never bored with him. He said he just knows that she adores him. But of course, he said he was bored with her, so he needed to cheat through Fetlife “to get what he needed.” That is about the point when I could feel my blood boiling up inside of me.

Obviously, I don’t know these people personally.

But, I do know the facts.

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Women struggle more with monogamy than men. There is plenty of evidence that many women are more likely to report their relationship as “happy,” but that the sex is lackluster.

Sometimes women mistake a lack of sexual excitement for “falling out of love” and then mistake sexual lust for the next person they meet as “falling in love.”

No matter how you slice it, the truth is that women are just less likely to enjoy monogamy (according to science.) Even in a recent conversation with some of my vanilla girl friends, I found that they were very open to swinging or dating outside the marriage.

To sum up, more women report being bored and not feeling sexual desire than men. That is just a fact that we know, and it means that there is a higher chance that your wife is bored than you.

In fact, if you are bored, science can almost guarantee that your wife is.

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So the point is: Talk to your fucking wife/girlfriend/whatever. Don’t make assumptions about how another person feels. That is never okay.

Also, when I told Cheating SOB (this guy’s screen name) that he should just talk to his wife, he asked me what he should say.

First, recognize the fact that: I don’t know your wife! You know your wife. I bet you know better how to bring things up with her!

Generic Advice:

Do some laundry. Cook. Clean. Take her to dinner. Have sex. And after sex in the dark, ask her if she ever feels like the romance is gone, or like she’s not as attracted to you as she used to be. Let her know that it is okay to be honest.

Then, ask her how she would feel about trying new things in bed that she might be interested in. Ask if she has any fantasies. (Yes, it does have to be about her if you want it to work. Keep your own shit to yourself for awhile until you do some stuff she wants.)

If you are interested in being poly, as her if she would ever consider dating someone else. Make it clear that she would date someone else first before you, so you could both see how you felt about it. Because if it is your idea, then it should be her who tries to go on dates first and her who has sex outside the marriage first.

If and only if you are both okay with that, then you can start to date.

This way it doesn’t feel like a free-for-all or a competition, but rather, a careful and considered growth in the relationship.

So what is the key to getting your spouse to try new things in bed or to open up the relationship? Make the focus on what they want instead of being a selfish ass. I think we can infer from Cheating SOB’s screen name and the fact that he is trying to hook up with people off Fetlife that he is a self-centered narcissist. But if YOU are not a self-centered narcissist, then I think this can easily work for you.

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When Domination is Abuse

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Background:

There is a guy named Justin who I put up with harassing me for quite some time before I decided not to take part. He was a friend of friends, and I felt like I had to put up with him in order to avoid offending people I care about. He does (pretty mediocre) leather work under the alias “Justin Sayne,” and is involved with Star Fucker Promotions of Arizona. Pictures of him are including in this blog, so you can make sure to do the kink community proud by shunning this abusive person.

And now, on to the story:

This person, named Justin, was abusive to me for over a year. I fell into that awful and shameful behavior of ignoring it because he was part of the kink community in Arizona (where I am from) and I hate to make an enemy. I admit now that this was wrong of me. I compromised my principles by allowing this person to talk to me and interact with me at all after I suspected him of being abusive. I regret that. It is wrong of us to humor these people and let them live among us as equals when we know what they are.

Anyway, I finally had enough when he threatened to “really hurt me” because it “is his super power” and started stalking all my online content for the last eight years, trying to find a way to hurt my feelings. (This was prompted, by the way, by me giving my opinion on something a friend said. He does not like it when women have opinions at all.)

The point is, he displayed a variety of extremely abusive, sexist, and violent behavior when he went after me. He thinks it is okay to act in this way to any female he encounters because he “is a Dom” and “a sadist.” (And he is not really either of those things.)

As a Dominatrix who has spent 20 years in the kink scene in several different countries I want to be very clear right now:

Being abusive IS NOT being dominant.

Full stop.

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I know that people can get abuse and dominance confused. Many a sub have fallen prey to an abusive man because he played it off like it was just him being dominant.

Remember: Your submission is a gift, and you should not give it to anyone who does not respect you.

Signs That Your “Dom” is Abusive:

1. Your “Dom” does not listen to you, or becomes upset when you express an opinion.

2. Your “Dom” says things that are emotionally hurtful, such as that you are fat, or that you are stupid, or that you are too emotional to know what you want.

3. Your “Dom” ignores limits that you have set, whether hard limits or soft limits. They tell you that they know what you can handle better than you.

4. Your “Dom” does not demonstrate a fundamental respect for you, including treating you like an honored pet rather than property (outside a scene of course, because within a scene you may want to be treated as property.)

5. Your “Dom” does not demonstrate care. This is not just about listening to you during after care at the end of each scene. It is also about demonstrating care to you at all times, from complimenting your looks to expressing appreciation for your submission. You should feel love and gratitude from anyone who claims to be a dominant person.

6. Your “Dom” is constantly trying to look for your emotional weaknesses in order to exploit them. This is absolutely wrong! A good dominant will build you up, NOT tear you down.

7. Any other behavior which makes you feel hurt or damaged rather than encouraged and appreciated.

So here is the abusive guy I am talking about:

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This is Justin. He is single (obviously,) never went to college, and wants to take out his insecurities about those things on YOU.



A real Dominant may hit you, and they may enjoy hitting you. They may love the look of pain on your face, and get off on seeing you squirm and struggle. However, that is all part of BDSM and in the context of a scene. It is hurting you in physical ways, and only within boundaries that you, as a sub, have given.

If someone is lashing out and trying to hurt you emotionally, or hitting you outside of the context of a scene, that is abuse.

I understand that there are times when these lines become blurred, but there are also plenty of times that it is crystal clear, and you need to realize that and be mindful of how you are treated.

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Another picture of Justin, who probably thinks he is very funny for this, but likely is also deeply insecure about how fat he is, and that is thumb is likely about the same size as his cock. And he wants to take out those insecurities on YOU.

So, you may ask, why do people act abusive? 

People act abusive because they have unresolved emotional issues. For example, since Justin demonstrated a completely unfounded hate for me being educated and a hate for any woman who has an opinion, we can assume a few very obvious things:

1. Justin probably had a mom who was poor, and who used drugs or alcohol. She was probably unstable, and mentally and physically abusive. He has not made peace with this and is obviously still letting his past imprison him, so he is trapped helplessly in a reactionary state of hate for all women.

The irony is that if he stopped trying to hurt women and realized that most of them are good and not abusive, he would then be able to have a genuine emotional connection with a women. I think it’s obviously that making a genuine connection to a woman is the best path to heal his wounds, since he is really just upset that he didn’t feel loved by his mom.

So, by hating all women and constantly assuming that they are stupid and inferior, he is actually preventing himself from having the one thing he truly needs to heal, which is the love of a woman.

2. Justin obviously was not educated. He may have gone to High School, though I doubt it was a very good one. However, he never got into a University, and he never learned much more than the most basic things. This lack of knowledge caused him to need to tear others down so that he can try to seem superior (therefore covering for his insecurity.)

Sadly, he has tried to cover for his lack of education by reading fringe literature which is based on nonsense. This only makes the problem worse, because now instead of simply being ignorant, he is saying idiotic things that embarrass him and make his deficiencies more obvious.

What I did before I was able to get scholarships and work towards more education and travel was to listen. I listened to anything that anyone said! I told myself that everyone knew something that I didn’t know, and I looked at every conversation as a way to learn something. If Justin were to view things this way, he could improve.

Unfortunately, he is too insecure to listen to others. He looks at his life as a fight against everyone where he is constantly needing to prove himself, and it is all to cover up his subconscious understand that he is inferior as a person.

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This is not a good person. This is someone who shames our entire community by treating women as less than human. He is abusive, and he takes out his own issues on everyone around him.

How can you be better? 

Let’s say that you looked at the section above, and you realized that sometimes you also feel like you are trying to prove your worth to others. That is wonderful. The first step on your journey to being better is to recognize that you are insecure and that you do feel like you need to prove something to other people.

If you feel this way, it is because you (like Justin) have unresolved issues. You can deal with this simply by figuring out what those issues are.

Ask yourself some basic questions:

Do you feel like your parents loved you enough?

Do you feel like your grandparents loved you enough?

Do you feel like you got a “fair” hand in life, and a good chance at an education?

Are you fulfilled at your job?

Do you have hobbies that make you happy?

Do you feel like you contribute to conversations in a  meaningful way, and like you are adding something to the world?

Of course you may have other issues. Maybe you were raped. Maybe you were molested by a “funny uncle.” (I hate that term because it is not fucking funny.) Maybe you just didn’t feel like anyone really cared about you growing up, so you have trouble caring about people now.

Whatever your issues are, it’s okay that you have them. It’s okay to be hurt, because life should be more fair and there is way too much human suffering. I was homeless as a child, so I know just how shitty the world can be. I also know that even if you had a “nice life,” you can still suffer from feelings of alienation, and that those feelings are totally valid. (Every person has the worst problem in the world because it is theirs.)

However at some point, you do have to accept that holding on to pain from the past can only hurt your future. It sucks, but it’s true. You have to forgive the people who failed you, and take charge of your own life. Move forward with hope, and with kindness.

I say this because I am happy.

I have more than I ever thought that I would, and I am so fucking lucky. I really can’t tell you how lucky I am, and how grateful I am for the life that I have. And when you are happy with who you are and the life that you live, no one can hurt you. Nothing that anyone says can touch you, because you don’t get your validation from other people. You get it from yourself.

I raised a kid, and he struggles a lot with things. He always asks me where I get my happiness from, since he sees me being happy without drugs or piles of possessions and can’t understand it. The answer is so simple to say and yet so hard to realize, but I will say it anyway and hope you are in a place that you can hear me.

Where does my happiness come from?

I make it myself.

Obviously a few words on a blog are not going to heal the wounds in your soul. It takes time, and real work to do that. However, I think that it’s important to take that time and to work towards healing.

We all need to try to be better people.

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Conclusion: 

So what about Justin? Well, I cut him out of my life, and warned my friends that he was abusive to me, and that I do consider him to be an abusive person in general.

However, that was for my own safety and peace of mind. It doesn’t help him. So what about Justin? Well, I am sad for him. I hope he finds some way to come to terms with his past, and to be at peace. I never want anyone to hurt emotionally, because that is not the sort of person I am.

Until he does find peace, however, I would advice you all to stay away from Justin.

Do not buy his leather work.

Do not talk to him at events.

And because he is associated with Starfucker Productions of Arizona, do not attend their events.

He is a bad guy. I know it’s not his fault to a certain point and that he does just have issues, but he is also abusive and a bad person, and we can’t encourage that sort of behavior in the community. We need to root out the assholes and keep them away from the submissives, because we have a responsibility to each other. It is our job to make sure that no one is abused and that no one is raped, beaten, or otherwise injured.

We all know that every kink community does have those guys who are creepers, or who are using BDSM as a cover for physical and emotional abuse. We often let it slide because we feel like they are well-connected or somehow unable to be cast out.

That is not true. 

We can cast them out, and we need to if we respect ourselves and our communities at all.

Remember: Although Justin was likely abused by a woman, that was only one woman. He is abusive to hundreds of women. If we let that continue, we are passively allowing something that is a serious problem in society and in kink, and that is not okay.

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