Author Archives: magicallydelicioussuperslut

Going Vanilla

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We've almost all tried it...

We’ve almost all tried it…

Sometimes the scene can get a little uncomfortable where you are, right? Like, this one time when I was dating 3 guys who I assumed all knew that we were not exclusive (since it had never come up and I had never agreed to such a thing).

Meanwhile, they were working on the opposite assumption that not talking about it meant we were committed. So they “find out” about each other, and my stuff gets thrown off of a balcony. And I thought; well I’m not moving, but everyone in this scene is mad at me right now. So… maybe it’s time to date outside until things cool down and I can tell my side of the story.

I am not, by nature, given to monogamy (which eventually everyone agree is okay as long as the people I’m dating don’t ask for monogamy and I sneak around.) In time, my side was heard and everyone came around and decided the guys were assholes for how they planned out the whole throwing my shit into a parking lot thing.

However like I said, at first it was tense and I didn’t want to turn up at a fetish prom for awhile. That’s when I met a nice vanilla boy who took me shooting in the desert with his Mouser and his SKS, and told me that I was pretty. And I thought; eh, what the fuck? I’ll give it a try.

To this day, it was my only monogamous relationship, and my only vanilla relationship as well.

So what of it?

Well, often I see people asking; can kinky people be happy with vanilla people? And that is up to each person to decide for themselves. Me personally, it lasted for 2 years. We dated longer than that, but I only managed to be happy for two years. The rest of the time I just hated him.

It’s not like I didn’t try to open his mind a little. I took him to fetish proms and hung a whip by the bedside. But he was willfully ignorant of anything BDSM related, and when I tried to bring it up he always seemed to be busy or uninterested.

Now of course, there are always different variables at play. Every situations is unique and I can’t tell you what will happen to you. But for those that have asked if I ever had a vanilla relationship; yes I did. And no, it did not work out. I ended up being very unfair to him and picking fights over nothing because I was unsatisfied in bed. And he was good too. The sex was great and he always got me off before we got to the penetration part of the sex. If I were a vanilla girl, it would have been the best sex of my life. But I am me, so I got really bored.

It’s just my experience. And it’s in response to a faithful reader who asked. I’m not trying to tell you how it is, and your relationship may be different.

For me though; yes I tried it. I went vanilla. And no, I will not go back.

Rules and Etiquette

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Just some whips lined up for a party

Just some whips lined up for a party

I am sorry for this. I try to be upbeat, and this post is a little negative. Please forgive me.

Living abroad, I have met a lot of people from various kink communities all over the world. One common theme drives me mad:

Everyone has a different idea of what “the rules” are, and many of them think their way is the only way. I don’t know why- but folks always get really preachy about kink and it’s a little hard for me to take sometimes.

A good example of this is the whole “kink terms” concept.

In all small communities, you can find terms used by the folks in them to describe things. These terms tend to evolve within the small community. I hate when someone from Wisconsin (just as an example) tells someone from Paris that they don’t know shit because they’ve never heard the term “Plug Vibration.”

Look people; if your community used certain words to describe things- that’s cool. If those terms got picked up and used by lots of people- good for you. If you spread your ideas through the internet and lots of people now share them- that’s great.

However, that doesn’t give you the right to act like an elitist when someone else doesn’t know what you’re talking about.

I am a pretty quiet person when it comes to my kink. I don’t talk a lot about what I do, or how I do it. I follow the philosophy that everyone I meet can teach me something I don’t know, and so I prefer to listen.

When I do talk about my kink experiences, I try not to sound like an elitist. I mean hey- the dungeons I have been in were illegal for the most part. The fetish proms I’ve been to were full of more extreme elements than you usually see in kink anywhere. I am not going to talk like I know more than anyone else. I may know different things than they know- but that doesn’t make me better.

I give advice on this blog. To be fair though- I started this blog because I was asked to by some people who know me, and I was just trying to be helpful. I’ve only kept writing because it gets a lot of hits, so I like to delude myself into thinking maybe I am helping people a little sometimes. However, giving some advice doesn’t mean I think I am better than you. You can choose to take it or leave it. You can always do things your way instead of mine, because my way might not work for everyone.

I guess all I am trying to say is that I have a lot of trouble wrapping my head around the way folks in the community act sometimes. I mean, I’m flexible about how I do my scene negotiation, how I play scenes, and how I talk about it all. I don’t tend to use language that might make others feel excluded, and I don’t tend to ever lecture anyone on protocol. Do your thing, people. Whatever it is- I’m not going to judge.

I hate to get down on my community. I feel bad about writing this post. But at the same time- I wanted to call attention to this behaviour because I find it to be a real turn-off when trying to interact with fellow kinksters.

Also, I came from a scene with a lot of blood play and hook suspension. It was very extreme. Therefore I consider myself very conservative about kink, since I don’t often hang from meat hooks or drink blood.

But of course, kink is a lot like political affiliation. I mean, I’m from a red state where everyone is very conservative and they all carry guns. In my home state, I am branded as a radical liberal for my ideas. And compared to the folks around me, I am a radical liberal.

However, when I go up to the pacific northwest and meet the liberals there, I think they’re all way too touchy-feely and I find myself only about to hang with the conservatives.

So a radical liberal in my home state is a conservative in the northwest.

Same with kink.

I might have always thought of myself as very conservative about kink, but now I am finding people who are horrified by some of my ideas, and who think I am radical.

My point here is that it’s really all a matter of perspective. You might look at things one way. I might look at them another. That’s life. But I’m not going to judge you, nor will I treat you badly because we have different ideas. And, I feel like I deserve the same.

Tolerance should really come more easily to this community- so let’s keep that in mind.

Going Away

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It was a great weekend

It was a great weekend

I know I said I would write a post every Monday. And usually, the words flow out of me like water pouring from the sky in a rain storm.

Not today though. Today I am saying goodbye.

For the record, Korea is wonderful and anyone who want to come here totally should. I have had ALL THE FUN in this amazing country!

And yet… it’s time to go.

So this week instead of a post, I just want to say thank you. To all the folks who helped me throw fetish proms, play parties, and set up amazing scenes; You have been incredible! I can not tell you how much I have loved hanging out with you and how grateful I am for my life having a chance to meet and mingle with your life.

I will miss you all.

Take care. Be safe. Keep in touch.

I’ll write my next post from Thailand.

A Kinky Threesome

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Her clothes, topped with pink panties, on my end table in the morning.

Her clothes, topped with pink panties, on my end table in the morning.

She walked in and the three of us sat around my table. I made tea. Pet is going to Top her tonight, and I am going to supervise. I might even jump in. I haven’t decided.

In the past, when pet told me he was a switch, I found him a Malaysian girl to Top. It was cute because she thanked me every time they played. However, I haven’t seen him as a Dominant and I am curious what that looks like. So, now I am sharing my pretty little princess with him. As I watch, he is doing his first formal scene negotiation, paperwork and all. She fills out the forms and he reads them with a smile. I clear the tea and he says to her:

“You should be naked now.”

She looks alarmed.

“You’re not serious!” she says to him. Then she looks at me for help. “He’s not serious, is he?”

I just smile.

She takes her clothes off slowly, and folds and stacks them on my end table. Pet watches like a hawk, and he is grinning from ear to ear. It is the most adorable scene to watch! I stand back while he puts her cuffs on.

He takes up her riding crop. He’s never used one before and he looks both nervous and excited. He tries it out, running it along her skin. He starts to hit her softly, but he’s clearly afraid to hurt her. This makes me smile.

I watch him as he toys with her with the crop, and then later with the flogger. He considers the nipple clamps, but seems to decide against them at the last minute. While he is considering the various toys, I decide I can no longer resist. I walk over to her and start to caress her pretty little frame. I love the way she leans into my touch, like a playful kitten.

When pet sees what I am doing, he joins me. She doesn’t seem to know what to do now, writhing against both of us while we run our hands along her body and kiss and bite her skin. At one point while I am biting her nipple and he is nibbling her neck, our eyes lock. I have felt, these last many months, a growing fondness for my pet. At that moment though, we are united in thought and purpose so perfectly, and we are moving in harmony over her body. It is perfect, and at that moment, I love him. Anyone who can share such an experience without jealousy or awkwardness; who can simply enjoy the series of perfect moments with me… well… what more could anyone ever ask for in another human being?

We devour her in a series of positions. We tie her to the couch. We play with her on the table. At one point, pet picks her up and holds her with her back to me, while I flog her. He tosses her around like she weighs nothing- and I know she DOES weigh nothing to him because I am twice her size and he can toss me around.

Eventually we go upstairs and they have sex while I watch. They are a mass of skinny legs, muscles, and heaving chests. I am enthralled They are more beautiful than the people in porn, and I can’t believe this much sexiness is actually in my bed right now. I reach out and touch her breasts, which are shaking as he fucks her. They are so perfect. Not for the first time, the night feels like a drunken dream, where everything is perfect because in your mind things can be just as you imagine them. It’s rare that my reality is this amazing, and I enjoy every second.

So many fun things happen that night.

At one point, pet wants to switch because she wants to see me beat him. I tie him to my balcony and hit him as hard as I can. When I use the flogger he jumps, and I snap it hard so the sound echoes off the walls. Pet cries out a few times. She winces at the sound, and he jumps in pain again as I switch to the crop. The whole time though, she grins. I hit him over and over, and she is just there in my chair looking on like an excited little kid.

“Why is this so hot?” she asks me.

I just smile.

After I beat my pet, I put him on the floor. He curls into a little ball, and she plays with him and pets his head while I finger him. He’s shy and doesn’t want me to fuck him in front of her, so I don’t. I just finger him and spank him. She seems very amused by this.

We all spend a lot of time cuddling each other on the floor. It’s where we ended up after sex on all the furniture. I watch them move against each other and I am amazed at how perfect their bodies look together, like a god and goddess on loan to me from some unknown heaven. Her skin glows softly in the candle light, a perfect amber color. When pet puts his arms around her his muscles flex and he looks so strong and powerful. They are incredible.

At some point, after we get into bed again.

Before we fall asleep, when she first comes upstairs, she lays with me. I hold her tightly in my arms and she whispers sweet words to thank me for the scenes, and to tell me how much fun she had. I hold her against me and feel her soft, perfect body.

This, right here, is what happy feels like.

Pet joins us and we put him in the middle. It’s winter and it’s very cold. Pet is warm. So while he spoons her, I spoon him. We drift off to sleep easily, and all of us are perfectly happy.

Getting in a Fight

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I want you to hit me as hard as you can...

I want you to hit me as hard as you can…

I got some pretty negative responses at the last play party I went to when I said my pet and I got in a fight (to explain some bruises.)

I did explain that I asked him to spar with me and that I was in the mood to be violent in a non-structured way. Yet, the girl I was talking to kind of went off a little about how violence makes no sense to her and how she doesn’t think it is healthy.

I’m not going to say it is “healthy” because who fucking knows what’s really good for people and what’s not? I’ve got a degree in Psychology and all it taught me was that we really don’t understand the human mind very well.

However, I’d like to defend the idea of getting in a fight- if only for arguments’ sake.

To start, we are evenly matched. I outweigh him by about 40 pounds, but he is in the military and works out a lot. Plus, he has a lot of martial arts training. We’re about the same height, and even have the same size hands and feet. So, it’s not like it was an unfair fight where one person just beats up on the other. It’s fun to spar with someone you’re about evenly matched with because it’s a challenge  and besides, competitions are always more fun when they are close.

Let’s stand back from that though. Let’s look at the larger issue.

I’m not really a “violent person.” What I mean by that is; I don’t hit people in anger. If someone says something that pisses me off, I might walk away, but I will not hit them. I never play when I am angry either. Tying someone up and beating them when you’re mad just seems… troubling to me personally.

So if I’m not a violent person, why do I like to fight?

Well, one of the reason I imagine is testosterone  I have more than most girls and I always have. I saw the movie Fight Club, and I understood right away why someone would want to join. Testing your physical limits in this way is very liberating.

I think there may be a degree of habit mixed in. I have always been in mosh pits at metal shows, and it’s fun to run at people and crash into them. Not to mention I was a bar tender/ bouncer in a pretty ruff bar for awhile. I feel like maybe it’s somewhat unhealthy to walk away from a physical confrontation and think “that was fun,” but I also think it logically makes a lot of sense, particularly if you “won” said fight. And as it happens, I have done that a lot.

With play though, there is a line. I don’t really want to hurt pet. It’s not like I try to poke his eyes out or crush his junk like I would in a real life-or-death street fight. I hold back just enough, because I know I am fighting with someone I care deeply for and am meant to take care of and protect.

Also, pet likes to be punched. Not in the face or anything. I go for the thick patches of muscle on his back mostly. A lot of people kind of like being punched. If you like more thuddy pain than stinging pain, I few punches can feel nice. I tend to avoid kidneys and things like that, but during many scenes pet has begged me to punch him and I have because he’s solid muscle and I know he can take it.

When I fight with him, I’m not trying to hurt him. I’m not trying to get hurt. Of course there will be bruises and stuff, but I mean, there won’t be any lasting damage if we can help it. And I’m not doing it out of anger, or some weird hang-up where I am secretly violent and want to kill people. Just to be clear: I don’t want to kill anyone.

I think that if you don’t get it, there’s a good chance I can’t explain it to you. Still, it’s just a bit of (mostly) harmless fun.

I guess I’d just like to ask that- if you’re talking with someone about stuff they like to do, try not to judge them. As I have been telling people for years: assuming I am a violent socio-path with homicidal tendencies because I like to get in a fight now and again… that’s not really fair. Everyone likes different stuff, you know?

I’d like to leave you with a song I really love, because it seems somehow to fit the theme of this post:

Setting Up a Scene

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Some paperwork and my Domme hat

Some paperwork and my Domme hat

I was asked to walk through setting up a stand-alone scene involving sex. I am going to give that a shot now. (Remember I don’t  have that much experience outside a dungeon, and my ideas are not meant to be taken as anything other than suggestions.) To define what I mean; stand alone scenes would be those that are not part of a relationship. Both parties have agreed they want to play, but they are not dating.

To start, I like to do paperwork. (Pictured above).

Yes, this can feel really silly sometimes. Paperwork is not the first thing most people think of when they think of sex. So let me explain why I do it.

1. Submissives often feel nervous about telling me what they want and what their boundaries are. In addition, many service-oriented subs are most interested in pleasing the person they are allowing to Dominate them, and so that further complicates things because they’re both shy about talking, and not keeping their own desires and limits in mind. It can make it hard to get solid answers to things. Having a checklist with “yes” and “no” is nice and solid.

2. There is a certain amount of nervousness that is always involved in playing with someone. If you don’t know the person well, that can be compounded quite a bit. Paperwork is a nice way to easy into things. You’re talking about sex and that makes things start to get exciting. But, it’s structured and feels safe.

3. If you plan to hit a person hard enough to leave marks, it never hurts to have a checklist where they said they wanted that (just in case). Most people are sane and nice enough. However, the odd crazy person can slip by and having consent forms and a checklist of things your submissive agreed to may not get you out of trouble, but it sure as hell won’t hurt.

I like to make tea during the whole paperwork experience. This is because it helps calm a person if they are sipping tea, since it’s such a normal activity. Also though, it sets a time limit. You have a cup of tea, but then it’s time to begin the scene. To clarify; I don’t mean a set-in-stone kind of thing. I just mean that in your head you can keep in mind that a cup of tea is about the right amount of time for a scene negotiation, and that when you clean up the teas cups you can sort of lead into play from there. It’s a nice way to naturally transition.

Dressing up helps too, in my opinion

Dressing up helps too, in my opinion

Second; clothes!

Sure, in a relationship you might not care about what you wear. I know a couple who like to play in pajamas because they want to be comfy while they play. That’s totally cool and like I always say; do your own thing! However in a stand-alone scene, I find that clothes can add an air of credibility to something that might otherwise feel uncomfortable. It’s hard to explain why, but it’s one of those things that I have noticed from trying it both ways. My guesses as to why it works are:

1. Big Domme boots and a scary hat and tend to help people find subspace. Playing with someone you don’t really know, it can be hard to feel trusting enough to go into subspace with them. However, there is just something about the boots that gets people’s attention and makes them feel more compliant.

2. I usually slip into the Domme role fine and feel 100% at home there. However some people can trigger a moment or two of nervousness or doubt. The right clothes can really give a person confidence though- as any social scientist will tell you. A big part of having the right head-space is often dressing the part.

Of course there is probably more to it, and it may be different for everyone. I can only speak to my own experience. It just seems to me that clothes make a big difference.

Make sure your toys are laid out and in easy reach

Make sure your toys are laid out and in easy reach

This is pretty obvious I guess, but make sure the toys you plan to use are all laid out. This allows your submissive to inspect them first and make sure they feel okay with everything. They may want to test the size of a ball gag or make sure a dildo doesn’t look too big. And of course, it also makes it easier for you later when you’re actually playing the scene.

I don’t have a picture for the last one. It’s common sense of course, but make sure to avoid leaving anything sharp or dangerous out. You may throw your submissive around. They may stumble. It’s best to make extra sure that all sharp edges and dangerous things are out of your play space. Also make sure there is nothing that will be in your way when you swing a whip or flogger or whatever.

In general, I focus on creating the best experiences I can. That means attention to detail, and it also means being mindful of all the little things you can do to set up a scene beforehand. That way, when you start to play, you’ll have nothing to worry about but the way you and your partner or partners feel.

Pretty Little Princess

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The couch I tied her to

The couch I tied her to

She walked into my house nervous. Yet, it wasn’t the bad kind of nervous where you have an edge of fear and dread. It was the excited kind of nervous where you’re like a puppy jumping up and down. She was glad to be here.

This is meant to be a stand-alone scene. It is just a moment in time. We don’t really know one another, and we may never see each other again. But right now, in this moment, she wants me to Dominate her. She wants to be my little slut, and do all the things I say. She wants to please me.

Still, I don’t start right away. I  negotiate. I am always keen to get the ideas for a scene straight beforehand. That way, I can avoid anyone being disappointed later. When we are finished I tell her to strip. She is shy, and only takes off her shirt. I let it be, because I will enjoy undressing her anyway.

She is a work of art.

I imagine she weighs about 100 pounds, and she is slender, with curves in all the right places. Her ass has just enough shape to make it attractive  and her breasts are just big enough for my hands. Amazingly, I can see her stomach muscles. I take a moment to appreciate how much she must work out, and how impressive the results are.

I start by pulled her breasts out of her bra and using it to prop them up. They look nice this way, and I can appreciate her adorable, round nipples. I squeeze them until she flinches a little, so I can get an idea of how hard to be when we play. She said beforehand to be gentle and I will try, but I am not known for gentle.

Slowly I remove her skirt, and her panties. I have her step out of them. As I bend down to  toss them aside, I am distracted by her beauty and I find myself kissing all of her while she stands nearly naked in my living room. I kiss her legs, her ass, her back, and all along her shoulders and neck. I bite her ears softly, and she sighs a little. I want to drink in every inch of her.

I am almost ready to hit her. I take off her bra, and her breasts are free to rest against her body. She is certainly not the first  girl I have played with, but as I look at her in the candle light now, I am sure she is the most stunning! I know I should order her around, hit her, and fuck her. She came here to be abused. Yet, it’s so hard to stop licking her, covering her skin with kisses and nibbles and squeezes. As my hands run along her perfect body, I can not imagine anything more lovely.

I am reminded suddenly that I can be sentimental. I am not typically, because I mostly play with men. (They are much easier to get.) Yet, they do not evoke this sort of passion in me. For this delicate and beautiful creature, I could write poems. I could walk through fire if she asked. Women are so dangerous to me, and yet, so lovely. I am enthralled.

I tear myself away from her body and step back. I examine the toys I have. She brought a riding crop, and so I think I should try that first. I enjoy the way a good crop feels like an extension of myself. It’s like a little hand on a stick. I can use it to caress her breasts, but then I can pull it away and use it to slap them. I do this now, only lightly. I love the way they jump! She squeaks, because she was unprepared for the pain.

“Hold still now,” I whisper.

There’s no important reason to tell a submissive to hold still, I suppose. It’s meant as a command that can not be followed. Who can hold still and take it when they are really being hit? So when the victim jumps or squirms, you tell them they have earned more punishment because they were naughty.

Yet, as I begin to hit her harder, she does not jump. I actually hit her really hard a few times and welts raise on her back. Still, she doesn’t move. She stands up straight with perfect posture; feet together and shoulders back. She has been trained extremely well, and I am very impressed. It seems there is nothing about her that is not pleasing.

I switch to my flogger, because I enjoy the way it sounds when it slaps someone’s back. Her tiny frame makes a smaller target than I am used to, but I am surgical with my flogger. I can hit someone exactly where I mean to and exactly as hard as I mean to. I love when you get to know a toy well enough that you can use it as if it where part of your own body.

When I am done her back is red all over, with some pretty impressive welts on it. She hasn’t moved an inch and has hardly drawn a quick breath. Such a good girl.

I bend her over for a little bare-hand spanking, because I enjoy the way it feels on my hand. Of course though, once she is bent over, I can only think of her pussy, and I begin to rub her.

I command her to move then, and I tie her to my couch. Her arms are tied to the back, and her legs are spread wide apart. She looks wonderful tied there! I inspect her pussy and find it trimmed, and smelling lovely. I start to lick her, and she reacts then. She squirms and begins to moan in the most wonderful way. I slide a finger inside her, and find that she is so tiny and tight! I love the way her pussy grips my finger as it slides in and out. She moans louder and it sounds like she is about to cum, so I stop. I am not ready for that yet.

“No no,” I say. “I want to play so much more first.”

I untie her, and clip her cuffs on her hands together behind her back. I push her down on her knees in front of the couch, and tell her to pleasure me using only her tongue. While she does this, she must also keep her balance, with her hands restrained behind her. I giggle a little when she slumps forward, trying to find where she should be without her hands, and while blindfolded.

When she licks me it is perfect. Her tiny little tongue is so soft, and it feels amazing. I loose myself for a moment and forget where I am and what I am doing. All I can think about is her, and how good she feels. I particularly love the way she leans in and just rubs her face in my pussy. I can not enjoy it when someone goes down on me unless they love doing it. She does. I am in awe.

At some point I throw her on the table and fuck her with my strap on. I love the way she screams!  And, when I get frustrated that I can’t be pressed against her while I am fucking her, I stop, and I pick her up. I hold her there, with her legs wrapped around me like a tiny koala. I love being pressed against her like this. We fall onto the couch and roll together. We end up with me sitting, her on my lap, cuddling and rubbing and kissing each other. It’s the most amazing feeling ever! She plants little kisses on my forehead and I melt inside.

As we wind down, she whispers “That was perfect.” I wish I was a more eloquent person, because I want so much to express my happiness to her. Nothing I can think of in my head sounds good enough, so I cuddle her that much harder and whisper over and over that she is beautiful, as we go upstairs to bed.

I fall asleep with her in my arms, and I think she is perfect. Yes, it was a stand-alone scene. It was just a moment in time, and she will leave in the morning. Right here right now though, for this moment, she is my pretty little princess and I am the happiest Domme on Earth.

Club Desire

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Shhhhh....

Shhhhh….

Finding kink in various places around the world can sometimes be challenging. Sex clubs are usually the best kept secret of a city. I’m going to write a short review of a place called Club Desire in Gangnam (a district of Seoul).

Basically, it’s a “secret” club where you make a reservation (via the web site), go there and have a drink, and then when the club fills up you have sex. I guess it’s not very kinky. They have paddles and whips hanging on one wall, but no one has ever used them when I was there. If you’re kink isn’t Voyeurism or being an Exhibitionist, you may not like it. It’s really just the chance to watch others have sex and let others watch you.

The last time I went, I took a friend who was visiting from the USA. He had been interested in the idea of having sex in front of people. Sadly, he got very nervous once we were actually there and couldn’t really stay hard. It happens sometimes, yeah? So instead he went down on me for ages while the people around us watched me squirm and scream. In fact, a few couples even had the bar tender come up and ask if we would swap. (Swinging happens at this club, but you can’t approach a couple directly. You have to have the bartender serve as an intermediary.)

Anyway, I have always had fun at this club. Most people I have taken have been too nervous to enjoy it because they have not had a lot of public sex. However, there are great moments. I was watching this one couple last time I was there and the girl was beautiful. When she came she screamed “씨발!” in such a sexy way… (That’s kind of like the Korean equivalent of “Fuck.”)

As long as you remember to keep calm and enjoy the scenery, I think you’ll have a good time!

Public Kink

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Hook Suspension

Hook Suspension

Lately I’ve been wondering about how public people make their kink, and what they are really worried about.

First, I should give you background. I have managed to work at a dungeon without feeling the need to tell people about it. My other job during the same time was at a bar, and I kept the two very separate.  Had I told the conservative folks at the dive bar about my other job, they would have lost their shit.

So I think what I am trying to say is; I am good at keeping quiet around people who are vanilla. Sometimes it’s hard. Sometimes I want to scream from the rooftops: “I just went to the BEST fetish party!” Yet I manage to avoid talking about kink to co-workers, friends, and all the other people I interacted with.

Yes, it feels like a lie sometimes. I often wish it were like being gay, where I could say “this is just how I am and you should accept it!” But it’s not like being gay. (I hate when people make that comparison.) Gay people want the right to get married, and to kiss in public without anyone getting angry. Straight couples into BDSM can get married and kiss in the streets. Kink is really only something to be enjoyed in private or semi-public spaces. It doesn’t need to happen outside dungeons and clubs and house parties. There is really no reason to flog a submissive in the streets for the same reason you shouldn’t have sex in the street. It’s a sex act and those should be private. Therefore, you can’t really say others should have to accept it.

Of course there’s also the fact that, if you tell others, it could damage your career or relationships with vanilla people.

So I keep my kink to myself most of the time. Even at play parties I let others take the lead whenever I can, and I sit back and watch. I feel like kinky people can often think their way is the only way, so I generally avoid giving demos or teaching because I don’t want someone to say “Oh I do it this way and it’s much better.” That always annoys me.

An example is flogging. I really enjoy flogging, but I don’t like to do the approved figure-eight motion. You can’t hit as hard when you do that. I mostly play with submissives that like pain, and I like inflicting pain. I want to pull the tails back and snap them as hard as I can! I want to put all my weight into it and really raise welts! But that’s not the “approved notion” about how to flog someone and I have been criticized for it before.

And I do realize I came from a very extreme scene. When I was growing up, the kids I played with thought nothing of sticking meat hooks into their backs and being hung from the ceiling. I know other scenes are much more conservative, and of course, everyone has their rules.

So in general, if I am forced to present at all or give my opinion, I try to remind people that it’s just how I do things, and I am not trying to be bossy or tell others what to do. I am NOT one of those people that will harass you about protocol. I don’t care who hits on who, what paperwork you want to do or choose not to do, or how you want to play. Do your thing, people. Do your thing.

I consider myself softly spoken and I try to tone my personality down as much as I can. I know I am too high-energy for some people and certainly for some dungeons.

Make no mistake though- because I really can’t let you get this wrong: I am not ashamed of being kinky and I will not act ashamed!

So this is where the question of how “out” to be comes in.

I am open about my kink on fetlife.com and I am open about it to other kinky people. I am not secretive and I don’t think people should let paranoia control them.

Korea has spoiled me. They literally don’t give a shit about your personal life here. It’s understood that you might get drunk and throw up and be crazy at night, but that bears no connection at all to how you act at work. An example (which I was horrified about) is when my boss went to my apartment unannounced to look at my broken heater. I had my toys laid out on the dresser because I had cleaned them all before work, and she did not mention them to anyone ever or hold it against me. She had gone to my house and she understood that privacy is important in a personal space- as Koreans do. I love this about Korea. They let your personal life be your own.

Even in the states though- I am out in the scene. I do not hide who I am from other kinksters or make them guess about what I do or don’t do. I am up-front and direct. And I’m fine with curious vanilla people too. They’re pretty harmless and if they’re thinking about it, I’m cool with letting them come walk on the wild side and have a look.

The reason is this: There is never any evidence. We don’t allow photos at play parties without consent. If you took someone’s picture without asking, the entire crowd would flip out because we all know that is not okay. No one would defend you. It is the same at dungeons and fetish proms. You ask before you take a picture, and you do not post anything on the internet without permission.

Therefore, if someone wanted to “out” you, all they would have is words. They would say “So-and-so is into S&M” and you would say “You wish!” and laugh it off. No one takes hearsay seriously.

This is why I am comfortable in the community and do not seem to be concerned about people knowing that I am kinky. When I am at a fetish event, of course I am not concerned! I am with my people. I refuse to act ashamed of myself around my people! I refuse to be uptight and yell at anyone who even has a camera that they’re not using. I am not going to shy away from vanilla folks who turn up to see what it’s all about, nor am I going to yell at others who are making a choice to bring a trusted friend into the fold.

I guess my point is this: Do be careful, because being found out as kinky can still ruin your life. But, don’t be paranoid and harsh on anyone who doesn’t seem ashamed enough of who they are for your taste. I know everyone is “out” to different degrees, but lets not be rude to folks who are new to the community at a munch or a party or a dungeon. Let’s try to help people explore when they are ready, and not push them when they are not. Lets try to be respectful and kind.

Some Thoughts About Collars

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This post may seem really elementary  However, in light of some questions I have been fielding lately, I feel like sometimes it’s okay to start at square one and try to explain even the simple stuff. I guess I should also remind you all of my usual disclaimer: I am not saying my way is the only one or the best. I’m just sharing what I know. You may do things differently and that’s cool too.

Okay, so let’s talk about collars. They are different for different occasions. When I first started playing with one of my pets, he put my Goth Collar on as a Play Collar… and I didn’t have the heart to correct him because he looked so cute!

So first off, what do I mean by Goth Collar? Here’s an example:

This would be a collar to wear out at a Goth Club

This would be a collar to wear out at a Goth Club

This is not a good collar for play. There are several reasons for this:

1. It’s decorative. I got it at Petco when I was 14, before going to my first Goth Club. I think it was meant to make a pit bull look cool or something. It’s got chains on it that are NOT strong or meant to be pulled on. It’s just meant to look cool.

2. It could be dangerous. Those chains could potentially get caught on something during a scene and that could be very bad for your submissive.

3. It’s too thin to slip fingers under for some light chocking. The edges are able to cut into skin, and that is never good.

The point is, this is a Goth Dress Up Collar. When I want to put my fake dreadlocks in and don some cheap PVC dress and dance at a Goth Club, I wear this collar. It means nothing and has no connection at all to BDSM. I just thought it looked cool.

Now, what kind of collar could you use for play? I recommend a thick collar with rounded edges. It should be designed for BDSM and intended to withstand pulling and such. All rings or chains on it should be strong and intended to be used for scenes- not decoration. In essence, you want something functional. Here’s what I had made by my buddy who does Renaissance Festivals.

A Good Play Collar

A Good Play Collar

Now, you can find sites that do custom collars designed for BDSM all over the internet. I had this one made for my pet after we had been playing for a few months. Note it’s single D-ring, well-anchored to the collar and capable of being used to attach a leash or other bondage equipment. Also note the rounded edges that won’t dig into the skin or leave marks. This is what you want in a play collar.

However, what if you are in a 24/7 power exchange? What if you want to show that your pet belongs to you when they are not in the house playing scenes with you? Well, that is when you need something more subtle and elegant. Here’s a good example from Wyred Slave.

A Collar For Daily Wear

A Collar For Daily Wear

This is a simple braided steel collar with a locking mechanism in the back. It uses a small allen key to open it. This collar is not intended for play. It can not be attached to a leash or cuffs. It’s just for wearing in public, to denote ownership. It’s subtle enough that vanilla people will think it’s just a pretty piece of jewelry, and yet heavy and tight enough to remind a submissive who they belong to as they go to work or out and about.

So now comes the questions about what a collar means. I can not tell you that. It means what you make it mean. I have been part of some formal ceremonies where people were joined in some way and a collar was used to signify their joining or belonging. I have known couples who placed a lot of meaning on the gift of a collar. It can mean a lot of things to a lot of people.

For me, if I have played with a pet long enough that I think I will keep them for a significant length of time, I will have a collar made for them. I don’t always explain to them what it means to me. Sometimes I just tell them I needed a collar in their neck size for when we play. Sometimes I tell them it is meant to show that they are mine. But to me, it always means I have taken them seriously enough to collar them, and that means I will always consider them to be a “pet” of mine. If they ever were to need my help, I would give it. If they ever needed to talk, I would listen. If I have a collar made for a pet, it means I like them enough to consider them part of my life, no matter where I travel or how far away I will be at times.

Again, that’s just me. You will find your own meaning. There is no “right” way to feel about BDSM and the toys we use for it. Everyone has their own definitions and opinions, and that’s okay.

Anyway, the point is that collars are a lot of fun, but you should always make sure you choose the right one for the job.

Various types of collars together

Various types of collars together