Kink and Three or More People

January 7, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I was asked about BDSM play with more than two people involved in the scene, and I wanted to do a quick post on why adding people is complicated.

Obviously if it’s a poly situation it’s very complicated because then everyone is in some kind of relationship with each other, and I have written before about all the issues of poly relationships. Generally after awhile you need flow charts and a white board to express anything.

You think adding one more person to a situation can’t be that confusing. But, you have to consider how many points of view are involved.

In a situation with two people, there are only two perspectives to consider. However, in a situation with three people, there are more than three. Observe:

First: Person One’s view of Person Two

Second: Person One’s view of Person Three

Third: Person Two’s view of Person One

Fourth: Person Two’s view of Person Three

Fifth: Person Three’s View of Person One

Sixth: Person Three’s view of Person Two

Seventh: Overall vibe of the collected group

As you can see, there’s a lot more than three points of view when there are three people.

With three people, you effectively go from two points of view to seven. And obviously that is opening up a Pandora’s box of opportunity for misunderstanding. That’s why it’s more important than ever in a situation like this to make sure you are prepared and have planned out the scene in advance.

I actually have had most of my threesome situations with other switches, so that made it easier to understand each other and to take turns being the one in charge of the scene.

However, my husband and I have also done some co-topping of people, and that has been a good experience for us and for them.

I think the key is to have understanding among the people involved, so if you aren’t married or dating or all switches, then more discussion may be required to make sure that everyone is on the same page. It seems to be that the better people know/understand each other, the better the scene will play out. Everyone is happy when everyone knows what is going on.

So make sure to make some tea, fill out some scene negotiation forms, and try to make sure that no one’s expectations get stepped on.

Guest Post by J.D. DeLemont

December 31, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Hi, my name is J.D. DeLemont, and I want to ask for your help. With the Magically Delicious Super Slut’s permission, I am writing this post to beg you all to help promote my book Love & the Desert.

This book portrays kinky characters as normal human beings who are freaky in bed, and attempts to highlight important issues in the community (like consent!) It’s more exciting than all that though. It’s really just a fun story about a girl who just happens to be a kinkster. The first book is only a little kinky, and as the series progresses the characters go deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole (to show a normal progression of a person from private desire to integration into the community.)

Why should you help me promote the book?

Good question! I’m glad you asked. You should do this because it is the first book in a series that will be released over the course of 2016 which explores various aspects of kink in a healthy light. We as a community need more books that explore kink as something average people do.

How can you help?

Good question! In these modern times, most authors have to pay for a PR campaign from a professional firm to launch their career. So instead of doing that (because I can’t afford to), I am going to depend on my fellow kinky folks to help me. Here are four simple things you can do:

One:

Write a review on amazon.com! No, you don’t have to read the book to do this. The computer program assigned to determine a book’s popularity does so based on a number of arbitrary things, like how many reviews a book gets- but it can’t read! You could literally write anything and be helpful.

Example Review: “OMG swan attacks!”

(Yes, there really is a swan attack in the book.)

This will help the book to appear higher in search results, and that allows new people to discover it and potentially even buy it and read it. So go to amazon.com, search for “Love & the Desert” by J.D. DeLemont, and then click “write a review!”

Two:

Tell your friends! Word of mouth is really important and it does make a difference. Do you have a friend who likes romance novels? Great! Tell them about the book. Do you have a friend who enjoys geeky things like Star Trek and S.C.A.? Great! The book is full of that, so you should tell them about it. Maybe you know someone from Phoenix, Arizona? Well great! The book is set there, and they will surely be amused to read about actual places they have been and can go to again like the Scottsdale Civic Center and the Nile Theater.

Word of mouth makes a difference and if you tell people and they tell people, it will mean a whole lot more than a $20,000 PR campaign ever could!

Three:

Ask about it at your local bookstore! Everyone has a cute local bookstore like The Poison Pen or Changing Hands. Those wonderful examples of independent bookstores that hold on in our communities and continue to be awesome places to meet authors and attend book signings. But, they won’t stock a book unless there is a demand for it. Most of them have a request list, comment card, or suggestion box. So go in, and ask if they carry “Love & the Desert” by J.D. DeLemont. When they say no, simply recommend that they carry it!

Four:

Buy the book. I know this is a drastic step and the only thing on this list that costs money. But if you buy the book, you will be doing wonderful things like helping to support an artist, and cancel out the negative karma that 50 Shades brought into our little world! It’s not an expensive book. It’s not like it’s a hardcover or something. Think of it! For under $20 you can fund a penniless writer. It’s really a donation to help fight world hunger, because I am hungry. And more than that, it’s a donation to help me write more in the future. Creating culture takes time and caffeine, and you can help me have these things!

Of course you will have my eternal gratitude if you do any of these things. You can write to me at jddelemont@gmail.com and tell me of your valiant efforts, and I will in turn send you good karma straight through the Internet! Or you can visit my site and comment on how crappy my book is and what you want to see in the next one instead, and I will listen to whatever you have to say!

End of Year Thoughts and Wishes.

December 23, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

First, even though I write about my husband and our poly relationship all the time, it seems like I still get people being surprised/upset when they find out that I am married. So just to clear that one up, I am still married, and social conventions are still dicks.

Though I haven’t been able to date much since I got stuck on Guam, I still think slut-shaming is wrong (and that’s one of my best posts in all my years blogging.)

I update my lists of people you should check out and books you should read all the time, so make sure to check those out if you are looking for resources. I even have a whole subcategory of just book reviews.

I have been meeting a lot of folks on Guam, and this has definitely led to some posts about how women are people and you need to talk to them like people, but also a lot of posts about helping people learn about kink.

All in all, it’s been a good year. I can’t believe it’s been so long since I started this blog just to amuse a friend who pestered me to share what I knew. He’s off in South America somewhere now with his wife, and for some reason, I am still writing.

Well, I guess I do it for those of you who read, since wordpress gets all the ad revenue and I don’t get a dime. No matter. Thanks for reading! Cheers to your 2016!

Parts of a Scene

December 20, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

A friend asked me how long an average kink scene is, and I had to think about it because it seems like it is different for everyone. I thought it would be easier, instead of giving a time, to break down each section.

Scene Set Up

Before your intended arrives, there are things you need to do! First, get a dungeon playlist together. Nothing that is going to make you guys laugh. (Unless you want that in the scene.) I guess what I mean is, nothing that will make you break character when you don’t want to.

My favorite bands for play are element a440, Hardwire, Faderhead, and Selfless. But of course, I throw in Marilyn Manson or NIN from time to time, or whatever I am in the mood for that has a good beat. Sometimes it’s a Children of Bodem kind of day, or a Cradle of Filth Day. Obviously not everyone has my taste in music, but that’s just what I like.

Set out your toys! You don’t want to go rummaging for things, so set out all the toys you want to use and make sure they are all clean. If you will be using condoms, set those out as well. Make sure everything you might need is already out and ready to go.

I usually take about 30 minutes to an hour to select my playlist, layout my toys, and prepare any required paperwork.

Scene Negotiation

I like to make tea, because I think it’s easier to talk about sex with a warm cup of something in your hand. I also enjoy using forms for new subs, because I think it makes it easier for them to tell me what they want and what their limits are. For men who will be using toys that make marks on women, I always suggest one of the forms you consider is a consent form, making it clear exactly what is being consented to. Hitting? Leaving marks? Sex? Get it in writing, just in case.

Scene negotiation is about communication. Establish safe words, talk about limits, suggest roles, and discuss general things you want. Also, discuss STDs and trade tests before agreeing to have sex without a condom. Discuss how you plan to prevent pregnancy (if applicable). Just get all the issues on the table.

With a new person, this often takes me an hour. But with someone I play with regularly, it’s more like a 15 minute ‘what should we try today’ kind of thing.

Play Part

Then comes the actual tying up. Of course I have talked about rope not being my favorite thing. I am more the cuffs and collars type. But whatever you do to restrain your sub, then you get into the various ideas for what to do. Obviously there are lots of toy options from nipple clamps to floggers and whips. There’s knife play and fire play and any number of fun games to play with someone when they are restrained.

Note: Please please please don’t just do what you see in porn. I know we have all watched stuff on kink.com and I am not saying that is a bad thing. But do not just use vibratos and be lazy. Put in some effort. There is nothing worse than a lazy Dom who just ties up their sub, straps a vibrator on them, and goes out for a smoke. (Unless she asked for that, in which case do ahead.)

Sex Part

The sex part and the play part can totally overlap. I am not trying to tell you how you have to run a scene or anything. However, if you’re whipping and spanking and such, there is usually a level of physical distance between you that makes sex impossible, so I am assuming that most of us do the sex part after the play part.

I have written before about how sometimes sex is a long affair if you get one of those wonderful guys who is obsessed with giving women multiple orgasms. (Miss you all the time Dante!)

Anyway, how long this takes is up to you. I am going to say about an hour, because that seems about right.

Aftercare

This is really important so please don’t skip it! Resentment builds up way too quickly in kink relationships when it comes to things that both parties don’t enjoy. It’s harder to talk about than vanilla sex.

So, hold your sub. Pet them. Tell them that they are beautiful and that they are a good girl/boy. And invite them to give you feedback. Be genuine. You want feedback. It’s okay if they are too shy to speak up the first few times. Just keep asking.

I guess this is usually 30 minutes to an hour.

So, how long is a scene? I have no idea. I guess my point is that it all depends on you.

Rope Bondage

December 16, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Lately, I have been asked a lot about how to get better at rope bondage. I must admit, rope bondage isn’t something I do. I have talked before about how I prefer gear ties and cuffs. However, I have nothing but respect for those who practice this noble art.

Because I can’t tell you a lot about how to do it, I wanted to give you some resources:

The Two Knotty Boys are wonderful! I saw them do a show at the CSPC in Seattle, and I can’t tell you how impressed I was. They move with a style and grace that is rivaled by few.

My other recommendation is Twisted Monk. They can give you good ideas. If you visit their page, you’ll find lots of useful instructional videos that you can watch and practice along with. If you want to learn the art of rope bondage, these are some men who can help.

Please remember to keep safety in mind. One of the reasons I don’t do rope bondage is because I worry about missing the signs and causing damage to my rope bunny. Remember to keep something handy to cut ropes fast, just in case a toe starts turning blue!

Motivations

December 10, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I recently had a conversation that made me want to point something out that everyone may not realize.

Some folks get into kink because they have a passing interest. Maybe they feel like they are missing out on secret fun that everyone else is having, or maybe they just want to spice up the sex life in their relationship. But the point is, they came into the idea as adults.

At munches, people often talk about how they got into kink. For people who get interested later in life, the answer is often simple: a book they read, a movie they watched, overhearing a conversation, etc…

This is a completely valid way to get into the community.

On the other hand, some people were born kinky. I know that to the first group, that doesn’t seem possible. To them, it’s a pastime to enhance their life. But many of the people that tell their “how I got into kink” stories at munches have to go back to childhood to explain.

I learned how to masturbate at five years old (which is about the age that most little girls figure it out.) I fantasized about getting kidnapped by the Borg from Star Trek, spankings, and other non-sexual but kinky things. It would be another ten years before I even realized that other people thought about sex when they masturbated.

Over the years, I have met a lot of people like me; all with similar stories. We always thought about kinky things from a young age. And for us, vanilla sex is missing something important.

Both groups are equally valid, but certainly it’s amazing to realize how different people are, and how we all came to the same place from different perspectives.

Minimalist Kink

November 29, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I have said before that I don’t have a dungeon room in my house. I love visiting dungeons, but at home I tend to be a minimalist when it comes to kink. I think bending someone over a couch is every bit as good as a spanking bench, and tying someone to the back side of a couch is perfectly effective as well.

Of course, some people think the kink furniture really adds to the effect. That’s great too!

In addition to using perfectly normal items like a couch for kinky purposes, you can also re-purpose everyday items as toys. Of course it’s wonderful to have a custom collar made for your submissive. And I have written about different collar options before. However, if you’re on a budget, there’s no reason not to pick up a dog collar at the pet store. You don’t need fancy things to be kinky unless it helps your mindset. Meanwhile, if you already have the mindset, anything at all can be kinky.

Paper clips can be used as nipple clamps. I suppose they can actually be more painful than the clamps you buy at stockroom.com. They may not look fancy, but they certainly get the job done.

Finally, many people spend thousands on professional BDSM furniture. That’s okay if you can afford it and if you have room for it. However, if you want to make a simple suspension rig, Home Depot can provide everything you need. My friend made a rig out of pipe, and uses it frequently to suspend people. Best of all, it can be broken down and stored so that it’s out of the way (in case you have kids, vanilla friends, etc…)

So no matter what you’re kink is, remember that being creative is always an option.

A Reminder

November 25, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

The woman above is expressing disgust. Let’s talk about why.

A friend of mine is looking to date, and I am very protective of her, so I want to write a reminder to the men out there who still don’t know how to talk to women, in spite of my repeating writing of helpful posts on the subject.

She is a submissive woman. She gets pleasure from serving men in both sexual and nonsexual ways. (So cooking and cleaning and laundry in addition to blow jobs and holding still for a spanking.)

These type of women are hard to come by, and they are very valuable. If you have the opportunity to talk to one of them, you don’t want to screw it up by being an idiot. So here are some things you should not do:

Do not approach a submissive woman as though you already have a D/S relationship with her. Remember that submission is a choice, and because these woman are rare, they have every right to be very selective. You need to talk to them like they are people, because even though some men don’t realize it, women actually are people.

Do not treat them like they are a slut. First, slut shaming is wrong. But beyond that, you have no idea how often she dates or how many guys she has been with. Kinky does not equal many partners. It can, but it is not a forgone conclusion. She might act like a whore for you, but that is not how you talk to her. It is not what she is. It’s part of a scene she plays.

Do not approach a woman in such a way that shows you are trying to assert your dominance. Only bad Doms have to try too hard by asserting their dominance in conversation. Good Doms carry themselves in such a way that they don’t need to say a word to be recognized for what they are, and if you try to assert your dominance you just seem like a noob and a prick. No one will want you, nor should they.

Do not approach a potential submissive in an overly aggressive way. Remember that men’s biggest fears when going on a date is that the girl will be fat. (Source: every reddit thread and men’s magazine on Earth.) Meanwhile women are afraid of being raped and murdered because that actually happens all the time. So while your biggest fear is 20 extra pounds, women go into dates fearing for their lives, and you need to respect that and treat them respectfully and kindly up front.

So what should you do?

Well, start by asking them questions about what they are looking for, and telling them what you are looking for. This will help you to decide if you are compatible. Remember: You need to talk to them like they are a person. I can not stress this enough. Women are people, okay? So you need to treat them like people. Yes, they are going to have opinions. No, this is not bad. Even submissive women are not meant to be subjugated and denied thoughts and feelings. You earn the submission of a submissive women, you don’t just get it because you think you are a Dom (nor should you.)

Remember to listen to them and what they want. Take their ideas into consideration when planning a scene. Let them choose what toys they are comfortable with and what toys they are not ready for yet or may never want to try. And then, get this, listen to and respect what they say.

I have talked to a lot of men online. I do write a blog as a Dominatrix, and I have been in the kink community for nearly 20 years now. So that is why I need to emphasize these points so much, because I know first hand that there are a lot of men out there who don’t understand this. They are the creepy guys at munches, reeking of desperation and anger because they can’t get a sub and they don’t know why. They are the guys who take to the internet and harass women online because they are frustrated that they can’t get a woman in real life. They are the losers. And not only do women like my friend need to be protected from them, but they need to be told what they are doing wrong because all of us in the community are ashamed of these guys. They make us all look bad. Every scene has those one or two dudes that no one wants at the munch or play party because they suck. And those guys need to learn not to suck, for the sake of the community as a whole.

Don’t be the guy that makes women look disgusted and upset. Don’t be the weirdo.

However, if you can follow these few very simple rules, you will end up with the thing you want most, which is a submissive like my friend who will cook for you and devote herself to pleasing you. You may have to earn it, but it’s absolutely worth it when you do.

Some Equipment Required

November 13, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

There are a few things I don’t write about much because I don’t do them. I am what you would call a minimalist kinkster. I will enjoy BDSM furniture in a dungeon, but I don’t keep a special room for it in my house. I will play with more labor-intensive toys at a tasting or play party, but I don’t keep things like that at home. It’s not out of prejudice or anything like it- just being lazy and trying to keep things simple.

However, here is a post about the complicated kinky stuff.

Above you can see an example of cupping, which was originally a type of medical practice in the East. Many kinky folk enjoy this, but it does require buying and storing equipment, so many of us shy from it for that reason.

Speaking of equipment, Violet Wands and Tens Units are also medical devices that have become popular in kink. I am not fond of electricity, but my husband adores the feeling of being shocked, and many people do. There are lots of kinksters who have one of these in their closet.

Another popular kink is Wax Play. You don’t need to have a warmer (pictured above,) but they certainly help. Of course, lost of people just buy Paraffin Wax candles, light them, and drip them on their partner. Wax play can be used to create beautiful designs, and although it is a bit messy, it can be very pretty.

Many kinks can create lovely designs, but none is as beautiful as rope play like Japanese Shibari. I have said before that I tend to use cuffs or gear ties to bind people because these options are quick and easy. However, if you have the patience, rope bondage is an art form.

If you are interested, I recommend some of the how-to videos that Twisted Monk has to offer. It’s a wonderful skill to learn and it goes over very well at play parties.

And remember, everyone has different kinks. Try not to judge others when they have different interests than you.

Kink Vacations

November 9, 2015 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

My husband and I live on Guam right now. It’s a tiny island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, and it doesn’t have much for a kink community or really any community. I have met some people here who want to “get into kink” but haven’t had the chance to experience anything. So, I want to write a bit about planning your vacations around kink.

Everyone always asks me “Where the fuck is Guam?”

Twice now I have gone to Arizona just for a weekend to attend a Horns and Halos Fetish Prom. Unfortunately, after the 10 year anniversary, they stopped putting on the proms. However, if you’re into suspension or any of those aspects of pain and endurance, Life Suspended is still going strong in Phoenix, and Cupcake happens once a month.

I used to love traveling to Portland for Club Sesso, but it’s currently in limbo while the owners decide if they want to meet current city building codes or not. However, there is still The Velvet Rope, in addition to private dungeons like Meadhall, which you would need to be invited to via the dungeon’s page on fetlife.com.

Up in Seattle there is the very best place you could possible go if you are new to kink; a place called the CSPC. With a kink library, dungeon space, and learning annex, the Center for Sex Positive Culture is a great resource to learn about kink, attend workshops, and try out a real dungeon environment.

Of course there are other sex clubs and dungeons around the world. My husband and I always enjoy a visit to Club Desire in Seoul. But listing every kink spot in the world won’t do you any good. The secret is to pick a city that you want to visit, change your location on fetlife to that city, and join some groups. Start talking to people. And then plan your dates around when they have events going on.

It doesn’t matter what city you choose. What matters is that you plan ahead to get hooked in to the kink community there, and make sure you can mix in kink events with your vanilla sightseeing. Before I went to Paris I looked up Burlesque shows. Before I went to Thailand I looked for a dungeon but settled for an eel show at a brothel (who would have thought there would be virtually no kink scene in Thailand?!?) And every time I want to go to a new place, I always include kink into my planning.

If you are from a desolate island like Guam, make sure that you get the most out of your vacations. Don’t just fly home to see mom in Atlanta. Plan to visit the Atlanta Dungeon while you are there!

We are a community, and as such, you are sure to find one or two people willing to show you around their scene when you are visiting. That’s just how we are.

Even if you’re from a place with a vibrant kink scene, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t check out dungeons in other cities when you are visiting.

NOTE: Do be very careful to read the fine print. My husband and I decided to avoid a kink club in Boston while we were there, even though we would have loved to meet some of the locals. This is because the fine print on their website said that they live stream from every room in the dungeon for some porn website. I don’t want to be outed and I am sure that you don’t either. So, always make sure the club checks cell phones at the door and has a strict “no cameras” policy before you enter any kink establishment. Also, fuck Boston for taking a wonderful community of people and trying to sell them as porn.

magicallydelicioussuperslut

I want to do things to you that you'll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

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