Fetish Series

May 15, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

The BDSM community is a group of diverse people. We certainly have things in common, such as our agreement to be accepting of others, and to engage in safe, sane, and consensual play.

However, there is a phrase we often use: “Your kink is not my kink.”

This is meant to refer to the fact that we’re all kinky in different ways. You may be a Furry or a Little. I am neither of those things. However, that doesn’t mean that we aren’t part of the same community.

I get asked about different fetishes a lot.

I think that if we are all part of the same community, then we should probably know about each other’s kinks. We wouldn’t want to misrepresent someone else’s fetish to a vanilla person, right?

With that in mind, I am starting a series of posts on various fetishes. Hopefully by the time I am done, you will all feel very informed about different things that are out there.

Vanilla folks often make out various fetishes to be much more disturbing than they are, and they can be very judgmental about us as a whole. However, some folks in the community can be judgmental too; saying things like: “I am into bondage and impact play, but I think piss play is gross.”

It is my personal supposition that once you understand a fetish and why someone is into it, you will be more tolerant. This series will address that idea.

Staying Friends

May 13, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I try to always keep in touch with people who have meant a lot to me. And in particular, anyone who I have had sex with. After all, the many men and women who have had sex with me have seen me with my guard down. They know things and understand things about me that others may not. Plus, I think it is a sign of being a mature adult when you can handle seeing your exes socially.

And yet, not too long ago I told one of them to fuck off.

His name was “Pretty;” a nickname given by my friends because he was stunningly beautiful (and in their mind it was his only positive feature.) He and I had dated for the better part of 15 years. However, I refused to ever make him a primary because he was volatile and unpleasant around others. He mostly didn’t date other people at all for the 15 years he and I were together, and I mostly kept him as my “honored second.” (I did take a break a few times when he got really nuts.)

Over the years, I put up with him refusing to see a psychiatrist in spite of his problems. If I had to guess, I would diagnose him with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Anxiety. But of course, we will never know since he wouldn’t talk to someone. I watched him alienate everyone who tried to befriend him or date him for 15 years, and I patiently caught him when he fell. I even bought him a motorcycle and rented him an apartment when he failed at providing for himself. I paid his bills sometimes when he was short now and then, too.

However, he lied to me and betrayed me.

In my mind, that was that. I grieved for the relationship, and I let it go.

Recently he tried to contact me again. I thought of how I try to renew contact with exes after the mourning period, and how it would be mature of me to try to make nice. I thought of how he had been at so many of my shows and events that I had thrown, and he knew all my best stories. I thought of how he is unable to maintain relationships and so he must be lonely.

And then I told him no.

And you know what?

It was the right thing to do.

Yes, it was hard. But the thing is, he never did anything but throw tantrums in public, ask for money, and make poor decisions. And in the end he betrayed me in spite of all of my kindness. I realized that some exes should not be invited back into your life. Some of them really shouldn’t have been in your life in the first place.

The truth is, you can’t “fix” people, and you can’t help anyone who won’t help themselves.

It’s too bad, but that’s the end of that. Goodbye “Pretty.”

Shameless

May 8, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I am a very proud person. I admit that. And that’s why this isn’t an easy thing for me to talk about. I have put off writing this post, because I really didn’t want to. However, I guess it’s about time that I bite the bullet, so to speak.

Producing content takes time and energy. When I first started writing this blog ages ago, I knew it would take a lot of my time, but some friends of mine kind of pushed me into it.

Now that I am getting several hundred views a day and reaching a lot of people, I realize that maybe my friends were right and this was a good thing for me to do. If I have helped you, I am glad.

However, time is money. And so my husband sort of convinced me to put this little Paypal button on the left, hidden under the page list. It’s been there for about a month now, but again, I haven’t said anything because I am kind of proud and I am pretty embarrassed about it.

Anyway, there it is. I have a Paypal button. And if you read my blog and it helps you, maybe you could consider sparing me a few dollars? I quit my job to write full time (I am working on a trilogy of romance novels about a girl finding her way into the BDSM culture.) While I am working on these novels I have no income at all, and if my readers could chip in a little, that sure would be cool.

Also, when I am done with the series I will be looking into publishers, so if you know any literary agents who might be interested, please let me know. I know you need an agent to sell your books, and I know you need a publisher to reach a large audience. So, any tips or advice is appreciated.

Okay.

That’s enough of me being a shameless promotions whore. Come back next week for your regularly scheduled content. And thanks for reading.

My Kink Workshop for Vanilla Folks

May 2, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I recently gave a workshop on kink to several vanilla people at the New Culture Spring Camp in Yucca Valley. It was the hardest workshop that I have ever given.

Here’s why:

1. Some of the people viewed kink as some kind of weird lifestyle and thought it was wrong or that kinky people were troubled or deviant. Of course, they also thought kink was all about pain and were unaware of the head space and the power exchange.

2. Some of the people wanted to “get into kink” in order to get dates. They said that their dating pool was small, and that they often got rejected by people who weren’t looking for vanilla.

3. Some of the people had dated folks who were kinky in the past and forced themselves to do kinky things that they didn’t enjoy for the sake of their partner.

Keep in mind; I have only ever done workshops for kinky people before. I talk about scene negotiation, specific fetishes, and all sort of other stuff; but I do this with folks who are open and accepting of the material because they are already kinky. I knew going in that this workshop would be a challenge, but I had no idea how much of a challenge it would be until I was actually giving it.

It turns out that I don’t even know where to start when trying to explain what kink is. If someone thinks it is all folks who dress up in animal costumes or whip each other with barbed wire, where do I even begin? Obviously I wanted to try to convey the fact that it’s a power exchange more than anything else. I wanted to say that not everyone even likes pain, and that there are a lot of different kind of kinks. And yet, with a time limit of an hour, I felt overwhelmed by the amount of material I would need to explain.

Don’t worry. I did my best to represent us in a positive light. I tried to focus on how we are an open and tolerant community, and how our motto is “safe, sane, and consensual.” I did my best to explain that we are not scary, nor are we dangerous. I wanted them to see us as normal people who just happen to enjoy different things in bed.

The truth is, it was the people who wanted to “become” kinky to get dates that I felt the most empathy for. How many of us have found a person we really like, only to discover that they are vanilla? It is the subject of blog after blog, and article after article. On the BDSM subreddit there are always posts by kinky people who are trying to decide if they can be satisfied by vanilla sex because their partner is vanilla and won’t try anything kinky.

I hate to say it, but I think the sad truth is that we are born how we are born. I know that I was masturbating to kidnapping fantasies and spanking fantasies when I first figured out how to get off (around 5 years of age for most girls.) At the time, I didn’t even know what sex was. I didn’t know that boys had penises, and I hadn’t even discovered yet that I had a vagina.

(For the confused: women don’t cum from penetration, we cum from clitoral stimulation. I feel like I have to explain that because I know at least one person who reads this will wonder “how could she be masturbating before she found her vagina?”)

At many munches, we have gone around the table and talked about when we knew we were kinky. For all of us, it was when we were very young. Some folks even figured out that we were kinky before we knew we were gay/bi/straight. You don’t have to focus on what gender person is doing things to you in your fantasies if you are blindfolded.

For those who want to “get into kink” to get dates, I guess I have to pause and wonder if you can.

And then of course there were the folks who forced themselves to do kinky things to please their partners. It is not my place to judge what you do for love. Obviously you should do whatever you need to do to be happy. However, it did rub me the wrong way. It sounds so rapey to be pressured into something you don’t want to do, doesn’t it?

In the end, I walked away hoping that I represented myself as a normal human (not a scary monster) and that those vanilla folks at least thought of us in a more positive light. I don’t know if I succeeded or not, but I did my very best to be patient, enthusiastic, and positive.

I respect that some folks are just looking for vanilla sex. I am sure there are lots of exciting things to do within those boundaries. And, as kinksters, I hope we can all do our best out in the world to be respectful of vanilla people and to put our best foot forward, showing them the same tolerance and acceptance that we show each other. Your kink is not my kink, but that’s okay.

Female Dommes

April 28, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I get a lot of questions from women about how to dominate men. I have written a few posts about it before, but since everyone asked for more:

First: It is all about attitude.

I use music to get into the mood. I like Selfless, Element a440, Hardwire, Faderhead, and Children of Bodom. I find them to be very empowering bands. I put on my clothes and set up the scene I want to play while listening to loud music. Setting up a scene is really important because you want to have all your toys out where you can reach them. It breaks the scene up if you have to stop and go looking for something.

Second: It’s all in your head.

Yes, you can whip your sub. You can tie them up, blindfold them, spank them, and force them to pleasure you. There are definitely a lot of dominant actions that you can do to another person.

However, it’s not so much the whips and chains that matter. Most of BDSM is selling the idea that you are in control and helping your sub get into a headspace where they are yours. You can do this with words, actions, or whatever makes you feel comfortable. I like to make sure to push them into positions and manhandle them in such a way that they feel forced into each position, but like I said, you can also use verbal degradation or anything else you want.

Third: The problem with penetration.

There is definitely a perception that being fucked is a submissive act. The problem there is that men have penises; even submissive men. And they want to stick them in things. So how do you deal with that?

Well, one way is to take control of every aspect of it. Lay back and tell them exactly what to do. Instruct them on how fast they can go, make them stop when they are getting into it, and don’t let them cum without permission. Use subtle forms of control to ensure that even when you let a sub male penetrate you, they know that you are the one in control.

And of course, you can always get a strap on, lay down on the couch, and tell them to fuck themself. Make sure to use lube since boys don’t make their own.
Finally: Extras Help.

If you are having trouble finding your inner Domme, that’s okay. It’s not always easy. So start by buying yourself some sexy leather or vinyl so you can feel like you look the part. Get some fuck-me boots and practice walking in them.

Then get some toys. Yes, you can use rope or gear ties for cheap DIY bondage, but that won’t help you feel powerful (unless it does, in which case you rock!) However, most of us feel more empowered by leather cuffs. One, it eliminates the hassle of tying knots that your sub might get out of. Two, it looks cool and feel fun to put on them. And try out all the whips at the store until you hold the one that makes you feel like a Goddess.

I know, gear is expensive. And to some it may not be necessary or worth it. But I know that on the days when I am just not feeling it, putting on my vinyl helps. And so does pulling out and arranging my whips and cuffs and floggers and such.

This is just a few things that I find helpful, but as always, do your thing.

Las Vegas

April 21, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I am off to the fabulous Las Vegas. It’s been one of my favorite places for most of my life, since I grew up in Arizona and it’s not a long drive to Vegas.

If you have never been, imagine visiting a miniature version of the entire world squashed into one small spot, and filled with slot machines and craps tables.

I don’t actually gamble, or even understand why people do. But that is not all there is to do in Vegas. I like the aquariums and the food, myself. But it is also a marvel of engineering and maybe the biggest monument to consumerism every built.

Anyway, I am going to speak at a conference, and I will be back and writing again soon!

Kinky Romance

April 14, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

I just want to remind you that you should do me a favor and check out “Love & the Desert.”

It’s the first in a trilogy of kinky romance novels. Featuring a strong female character, it highlights themes such as marriage not being the center of a woman’s life anymore, kink with vanilla people and how awkward it can get, and other important BDSM community concerns. It’s all set against the backdrop of a young girl’s struggle to live as a Millennial in the US.

The second book is also out:

The second book in the trilogy, “Love & the Rose City,” is a fun exploration of the Portland kink scene and of nontraditional relationships.

The series has an accompanying blog, which offers the writers thoughts on both writing and kink. And of course, don’t worry about being caught up and left hanging, because the third and final book in the trilogy is promised out this summer.

The third book will be called “Hearth & Home,” and should be a nice wrap-up to the series.

Female Empowerment

April 7, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

In the BDSM community we have a lot of empowered females, and we love them. Everyone loves a femdomme!

I like to think that we are not judgmental of women’s choices, no matter what they are. If a girl chooses to submit, then good for her! If she chooses to be dominant, that’s great! Whatever you want, the important part is to respect the female right to make choices.

Recently my friend sent me an article. He’s vanilla, and it sometimes blows my mind how vanilla folks seem a little behind in female empowerment. Have you noticed this?

To summarize, some famous person named Kim posed nude. Several women proceeded to tell her that she shouldn’t do that because it’s marketing and it’s objectifying women and all that tired stuff. There was some kind of twitter fight and everyone was angry.

So I just want to make my position on this nonsense very clear:

Stop judging women. If this was a man, no one would have told him that he shouldn’t pose nude. And then no one would have said those people were prudes. No one would have fucking cared, because men do whatever they want and no one judges them for it.

Women deserve the same respect that men get.

If some women think nudity is empowering, then good for them. And if they want to strip, get into sex work, or model, that’s their choice. Some women are shy about being nude even if they have nice bodies (I am like that.) And that’s okay too. And no choice you make for yourself has any bearing on the choices that other people make. We are all allowed to feel empowered by whatever we want. We are all allowed to be brazen or shy. And no one needs to shame anyone for their choices.

Stop telling women what to do with their bodies.

Political Slut

April 1, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Disclaimer:

I don’t usually get personal or political on here, because this is a blog about kink and our wonderful worldwide community.

However, as some of you know, I was born in the United States. I haven’t always lived there, but I do still hold a US passport.

And, as much as I hesitate to discuss politics in a forum such as this, I want to just say my piece about it, and I will ask you to forgive me because for more than three years I have worked tirelessly to provide you with good content to help you learn about kink. Allow me this one indulgence because in my country, it is an election year.

We increasingly live in a global community. The Internet allows us to communicate with people half a world away in an instant, and it’s become normal to interact quite often with people outside your geographic location.

As we become more connected, we will always have voices that cry out for isolation, fear of differences, and intolerance.

As kinky people, we are different. We are part of a minority that is often shamed and persecuted. And so, I believe it is out responsibility to stand up whenever we can against the voices that call for hate and fear over tolerance and acceptance.

I know some of you are also US citizens. Many of you will be voting in November. So please, keep this simple thought in mind. No matter how frightening differences may seem, or how worrying the news may be to you, you must keep in mind what we are. We are kinky. We are different. And all minorities like us deserve respect.

Let’s make sure that we are all registered to vote, and that we are all voting against voices that seek to fill us with fear and intolerance. Learn about your Senators, you judges, and your other elected officials. We are not just electing a President, but a new Congress as well. And every elected official who has power over us deserves your scrutiny.

And, because we are electing a President as well, let me paraphrase Penn Jillett for a moment:

In a leader, it’s important to have someone better than ourselves. If you kill my friend, I may want you to be put to death for it. But, in general, I would like to oppose the death penalty because it is barbaric. In a leader, we want someone who exemplifies our highest ideals, because as a society it’s important to always strive to be better, even when that can be very hard on a personal level.

Let’s keep that in mind, shall we? I think there are a lot of angry people in the US, and that is understandable given the current level of income inequality, lack of access to quality healthcare, and poor education. Of course we are frustrated.

In spite of our frustration, let’s be sure that we are trying to chose people for all our elected positions who exemplify our highest ideals, rather than appealing to the worst in each of us.

Thank you.

Introduction to Fetishes

March 26, 2016 by magicallydelicioussuperslut

Note: This is the last entry on the lecture series that I was hired to do. I just wanted to share this information with all of you. I will be doing the actual workshops in California in April, but as I was preparing them I wanted to make them available to all of you wonderful people who follow me. Thank you for your support.

Introduction to Kink: Fetishes

When you think of kink, what you are really thinking of are fetishes. So what is a fetish? It is something that a person finds sexually exciting, but which is not considered to be part of the mainstream sources of sexual stimulation. We’re all turned on by different things, and many of us are turned on by things that we may not even understand. That’s okay. This is just a little information about some of the most popular fetishes, and what they are all about.

Anal Sex: Most young people do not even consider this a fetish anymore. Anal sex has become pretty mainstream, though I am sure it would turn our grandparents hair if they knew. I think it is exciting to people because it is considered to be forbidden, and also because for men it stimulates the prostate gland, which is sort of like their G-Spot.

Bondage: Obviously this can be as simple as using whatever is handy to tie a person’s hands together, or as complicated as shibari (Japanese rope bondage.) Some people who love to be bound are fine with a simple restraint like gear ties, and some desperately want to feel the experience of being slowly worked into an elaborate set of knotwork. Either way, the pleasure is from the experience of being bound, and from the restriction of movement that comes with it.

Impact Play: This can be something a simple as a bare-hand spanking, or as complicated as paddles and whips. It is simply the joy you feel when you are hit with something. Impact play is one of the most common fetishes, and I think even most vanilla people like the idea of spanking.

Electrical Play: This is often using something like a Violet Wand of Tens unit. My Pet really loves electricity and electrical play, and many people find the sensations enjoyable. It’s the involuntary stimulation of muscles, the feeling of the electricity in the air, and a whole host of feelings related to the joy of electricity. Please note that it is very important to do this safely with toys made for electrical play. It is not safe or in any way okay to use things not designed for electrical play. I don’t care if you felt sexually aroused when you saw someone hooked up t a car battery in a movie. You cannot do this in real life. You will stop your heart.

Role Play: There are lots of different kinds of role-play. Many people enjoy playing out rape scenes because of the involuntary nature of the concept, which allows them to play with ideas they wouldn’t play with in “real life.” Others enjoy playing scenes involving age discrepancy, such as adult baby play, daddy-daughter play, or teacher-student play. As long as these scenes are negotiated in advance, there is nothing wrong with enjoying whatever fetish turns you on, but please remember that everything needs to be safe, sane, and consensual.

Furries: The media often portrays furries as too strange for words, and it’s unfortunate that these people are denigrated so much in popular culture just because they enjoy dressing up as animals to have sex. It’s about getting in touch with a more primal nature, and realizing that humans are animals, no matter how evolved we think we are. And for people who find their own bodies unattractive, it’s a safe place to hide (inside a suit) and be something other than themselves.

Feminization: Many men enjoy being forced into traditionally feminine roles, such as wearing female clothes or being forced to do housework. I think this is a reflection of how society lets women be “tomboys” while simultaneously forbidding men from showing any hint of femininity. I am sure you’re seeing by now that the main theme is taboo. If something is forbidden, it is bound to be fetishized.

Foot Fetishes: This is perhaps one of the oldest fetishes, and there have been many incarnations of this fetish. Some have argued that foot binding in China was a result of men having a fetish about feet. I personally have a friend who is really into feet, and also socks (particularly those with stripes) and shoes (particularly those with straps.) Foot worship, boot worship, boot blacking, and all related fetishes seem to be related to the idea that feet are an overlooked part of the body. Certainly they have a lot of nerves, so if you find yourself with someone who enjoys feet, you may enjoy it more than you expect.

Hook Suspension: There are groups all over of folks who like to be hung from hooks that are carefully placed under the skin. I saw my first hook suspension when I was seventeen, and I remember being shocked at how much the skin on the subject’s back could stretch. It must have been 12 to 14 inches off of his back, and yet somehow it was still attached. I admire the peace that people seem to find when they engage in hook suspension, and it does look like a very spiritual experience. However, like many folks, I worry too much about skin damage (scars and potential infections) so I prefer to watch.

Note: This is a very short list of just a few fetishes that are common. There are lots of fetishes, and it seems to me that as society accepts more and more things, fetishes get stranger and stranger (to accommodate the need to taboo). I think the key is not to judge “strange” as “bad.” Strange and weird things can be wonderful and enjoyable, and there is no reason to fear something just because you have never done it before.

There are many fetish lists available online, but of course, none of them are comprehensive because there will always be something else that someone else fins sexy. That’s not a bad thing. The difficult part is to find someone who is willing to indulge your fetishes, and to be able to communicate those fetishes effectively to your partner. It’s also important to be able to manage your disappointment, because no matter how much someone loves you, they imply may not be comfortable with you peeing on them. It’s important to respect the fact that just because you like something, doesn’t mean someone has to do it for you.

It’s also important to remember that just because something looked exciting to you in a pornographic move, that doesn’t mean you will enjoy it in real life. You may watch needle play in a video and think the blood is sexy, but in reality perhaps you are worried about germs and infections, and you don’t really want that done to you. It’s okay to find something exciting and still not want to do it. That’s the beauty of fantasy.

Limits

The key to experiencing fetishes is to find where your limits are. You have to really evaluate what you are comfortable with having done to your body. No one can tell you (and no one should try to tell you) what you are okay with. It’s a journey that we all have to take on our own.

It’s also important to note that you may change your mind over time. You can start out with limits in one place, and as you go through life, you might reevaluate where your limits are and push them farther. There is nothing at all wrong with changing your mind about what you are okay with. There is nothing at all wrong with thinking something is disgusting at first, and then coming around to wanting to try it years later. Don’t judge people whose limits are in different places than yours, as your own limits may move over time.

Summary

A fetish is nothing more than a thing that you find sexually arousing. It’s not a frightening thing, or a thing to be judged for. Many fetishes are based in acts that are considered taboo by mainstream people, and this is to be expected. Remember that you are the only person who can decide what you are comfortable with, and that you should never let anyone make you feel bad for the things that you find sexually exciting. We are all on our own journeys, and it’s important to remember that you can’t understand someone else’s journey because you haven’t lived through the things that they have lived through. Tolerance and understanding are key in the kink community, and I hope you will all remember to do your best to be open-minded about new ideas, and to show compassion to those who are different. That, more than anything else, is the spirit of the kink community.

magicallydelicioussuperslut

I want to do things to you that you'll be ashamed to talk about in the morning.

Author Archives: magicallydelicioussuperslut